Online Dating Profile 101: Building a Better "About Me" Section
July 28, 2013 12:49 PM Subscribe
After taking a break from the dating scene I'm ready to make some serious attempts to find the right match. I need some help refining my "about" description so that it accurately conveys my personality but also makes it clear that I am looking for a serious relationship and not something casual. Any input you have to offer would be very much appreciated. :)
My online dating profile attracts a lot of attention but most of it is coming from men who are either too much like my last few boyfriends (want a pretty accessory, not a life partner) or way, way too old for me (some of *these* men lead with, "You remind me of my daughter!" which... I mean... Ick.). I don't know how to accurately represent my personality and be up front about what I do and do not want without being really wordy. Given this rough, "kitchen-sink" draft...
My online dating profile attracts a lot of attention but most of it is coming from men who are either too much like my last few boyfriends (want a pretty accessory, not a life partner) or way, way too old for me (some of *these* men lead with, "You remind me of my daughter!" which... I mean... Ick.). I don't know how to accurately represent my personality and be up front about what I do and do not want without being really wordy. Given this rough, "kitchen-sink" draft...
Hi! I'm a cheerful, loving, creative, and silly geek who loves to laugh and eat good food. I’ve spent most of my life moving up and down the Southern California coast, but having grown up in Van Nuys I am pretty sure I qualify as a bona-fide Valley girl so please excuse the not-so-occasional “like”, “omigod”, and “as if” that will likely pepper my speech and/or writing....what would you recommend I do to make this the best representation of me possible?
As my username suggests I’m a big fan of Star Wars, but I’m also pretty partial to Star Trek, Harry Potter, and Disney (though not necessarily in that order!). I figure it’s something of an occupational hazard to fall in love with so many wonderful films, TV shows, and books because my career revolves around working with industries that pride themselves on high quality visual storytelling. (And I wouldn’t have it any other way.)
When I’m not busy with work, I love spending time watching reruns of NCIS and Adventure Time, making trips to Disneyland and local bookstores, and enjoying the beautiful coastline that San Diego has to offer. I am definitely more of an introvert than an extrovert, so while I love going out and exploring the city here and there, I much prefer to hang around home playing board games or having movie nights with good friends. If that sounds like your kind of scene, we’re probably off to a pretty good start.
The best match for me is therefore a long-term, serious relationship with a smart, confident, and kind guy with whom I have a lot of intellectual, emotional, and physical chemistry. Being able to laugh and connect with someone over a good conversation is essential to me; I’m definitely looking for somebody I can talk to and be my feisty, silly self with. It would also be cool if you happen to work in the same industry as I do, mostly because we will by default have a lot in common, and bonus points will be awarded to fellow vegetarians. :)
(Please know that I'm not a drinker, smoker, or recreational drug user, and also I'm not particularly outdoorsy or into becoming somebody's workout partner, so if those are things that are really important to you, rock on, but we aren't going to be a match romantically.)
Best answer: Dump the word "silly" in the first paragraph and replace it with something more substantial, or just remove it. Change "The best match for me is therefore a..." to "I am on a quest to find a...."
I don't know what you've stated in the rest of your profile but you might want to put in something a little more solid and a little less "YAY STARWARS!" about your job/education/career/wherever-you-are-in-life if you're looking to get interest from people looking for more than arm candy.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:08 PM on July 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't know what you've stated in the rest of your profile but you might want to put in something a little more solid and a little less "YAY STARWARS!" about your job/education/career/wherever-you-are-in-life if you're looking to get interest from people looking for more than arm candy.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:08 PM on July 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
I need some help refining my "about" description so that it accurately conveys my personality
So you are asking a bunch of strangers on the internet how you can accurately describe your personality, but the only description you give of your personality is the thing you've written that you say doesn't accurately describe your personality.
If your personality doesn't come across in what you've written, while the green may have suggestions to make your personality sound different, they are unlikely to be accurate. I think you will have to ask someone who is familiar with your personality to help you describe your personality.
If you get a lot of attention but most of it is from people you aren't interested in, just ignore it and move on. Only engage with the messages from people you are interested in.
posted by yohko at 1:24 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
So you are asking a bunch of strangers on the internet how you can accurately describe your personality, but the only description you give of your personality is the thing you've written that you say doesn't accurately describe your personality.
If your personality doesn't come across in what you've written, while the green may have suggestions to make your personality sound different, they are unlikely to be accurate. I think you will have to ask someone who is familiar with your personality to help you describe your personality.
If you get a lot of attention but most of it is from people you aren't interested in, just ignore it and move on. Only engage with the messages from people you are interested in.
posted by yohko at 1:24 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There's too much emphasis on the kinds of media you like, in the first few paragraphs. Coupled with the Valley girl stuff, it just comes off as somewhat frivolous. I think you should focus, in your profile, more on you and less on entertainment you like.
posted by Unified Theory at 1:28 PM on July 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by Unified Theory at 1:28 PM on July 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
So...basically every single person dating online wants someone smart, confident and kind with whom they have emotional, intellectual and physical chemistry, so that they can be themselves around that person and laugh whilst having great conversations.
What I'm saying is, your profile is way too general whilst also being weirdly specific. If you met someone with all the qualities above, would you even care if they worked in your industry or were vegetarian?
I would also drop, or at least rephrase, the part about Valleygirl-speak that will 'likely pepper [your] speech/writing'. It either does or it doesn't; and either way, playing it up comes across kind of...cutesy? As does the use of the adjective 'silly'.
I hope that's helpful and not too harsh. You sound great, but I'm not sure that's coming across as clearly as it could.
posted by Salamander at 1:29 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
What I'm saying is, your profile is way too general whilst also being weirdly specific. If you met someone with all the qualities above, would you even care if they worked in your industry or were vegetarian?
I would also drop, or at least rephrase, the part about Valleygirl-speak that will 'likely pepper [your] speech/writing'. It either does or it doesn't; and either way, playing it up comes across kind of...cutesy? As does the use of the adjective 'silly'.
I hope that's helpful and not too harsh. You sound great, but I'm not sure that's coming across as clearly as it could.
posted by Salamander at 1:29 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Re: your arm candy concern... You're downplaying your intelligence by characterizing yourself as a silly Valley Girl. In the same vein, emphasizing your devotion to Star Trek, Harry Potter, and Disneyland doesn't lend you any gravitas, not that there's anything wrong with those interests per se. Lastly, your prose is very friendly but the long, convoluted sentences may strike some readers as evidence of a certain ditsyness.
posted by carmicha at 1:29 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by carmicha at 1:29 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hi! I'm a cheerful, loving, creative, and silly geek who loves to laugh
Remove "who loves to laugh." Everyone loves to laugh. Whenever possible, you will want to avoid presenting a universal experience as though it is one of your unique qualities - it makes you seem like a boring person. Are you a boring person? No, you are not. You could rephrase it as saying you love to joke around or that you love to make people laugh. And who doesn't like to eat good food?
Also, Remove the word "silly."
I’ve spent most of my life moving up and down the Southern California coast, but having grown up in Van Nuys I am pretty sure I qualify as a bona-fide Valley girl so please excuse the not-so-occasional “like”, “omigod”, and “as if” that will likely pepper my speech and/or writing.
Cut this. The whole thing.
As my username suggests I’m a big fan of Star Wars, but I’m also pretty partial to Star Trek, Harry Potter, and Disney (though not necessarily in that order!).
Cut the "not necessarily in that order!" There is no one in the world (at least no one you want to date) who will read that and think, "Wait, she likes Star Trek more than Harry Potter? And Harry Potter more than Disney? NEXT!"
Furthermore,
I figure it’s something of an occupational hazard to fall in love with so many wonderful films, TV shows, and books because my career revolves around working with industries that pride themselves on high quality visual storytelling. (And I wouldn’t have it any other way.)
Cut this. Work your job into it some other way. Or include a broader range of movies and such that you like. Right now, you're saying that there are a lot of wonderful things you get exposed to, and then listing a couple really well-known blockbusters and franchises. Diversify. What's something off the beaten path that you've loved?
In the next paragraph, you talk about the stuff you like to do but don't mention any creative pursuits. If you're going to introduce yourself as creative, why not fill in the reader with a little info on what you like to create? It's a conversation piece if nothing else.
When I’m not busy with work, I love spending time watching reruns of NCIS and Adventure Time, making trips to Disneyland and local bookstores, and enjoying the beautiful coastline that San Diego has to offer.
Again, diversify. You want the reader to know what's interesting about you, what's fun about you, what sort of fun they might have if they hang out with you. If you're on OKCupid there's a section where you can list the TV shows you like. If you put it in the "about me" part of it, what you're saying is that you were asked what you do for fun and the first thing you thought of was watching NCIS. I'm just saying.
I am definitely more of an introvert than an extrovert, so while I love going out and exploring the city here and there, I much prefer to hang around home playing board games or having movie nights with good friends. If that sounds like your kind of scene, we’re probably off to a pretty good start.
This is fine. Leave it as is.
The best match for me is therefore a long-term, serious relationship with a smart, confident, and kind guy with whom I have a lot of intellectual, emotional, and physical chemistry. Being able to laugh and connect with someone over a good conversation is essential to me; I’m definitely looking for somebody I can talk to and be my feisty, silly self with. It would also be cool if you happen to work in the same industry as I do, mostly because we will by default have a lot in common, and bonus points will be awarded to fellow vegetarians. :)
Cut the boldfaced sentence. Of course you're looking for a relationship with a smart person with whom you have chemistry. You can certainly indicate that you're looking for something long-term and serious, but there are better ways to say it ("Ultimately I'm looking for something long-term but of course I'm not in a hurry to jump into anything," or what have you).
Cut the final sentence. If you're a vegetarian, then other vegetarians will know you have that in common. But someone who eats meat might see it and then not message you because they're thinking your preference is to date vegetarians.
(Please know that I'm not a drinker, smoker, or recreational drug user, and also I'm not particularly outdoorsy or into becoming somebody's workout partner, so if those are things that are really important to you, rock on, but we aren't going to be a match romantically.)
Cut all of this. One of the things you're going to want to avoid doing is the attempt to preclude questions that the reader has not asked you yet. If someone messages you and you find out they drink, handle it then. Including it in your profile makes you sound defensive, which is going to turn some folks off.
You've already said you're really into watching TV and staying in and playing board games. If you take the extra step of pointing out that you don't much care for going outside or working out or getting much exercise, it's going to make you sound like a couch potato. Even people who actually are couch potatoes are probably going to be a little turned off by that if it's in your profile.
Also, this paragraph leaves it very unclear whether or not someone should bother contacting you at all if they drink or use recreational drugs ever. If you don't drink but you don't mind someone who drinks sometimes as long as they're not getting sloppy drunk every night, then just don't say anything at all. On the other hand, If you don't want to date someone who ever drinks, then yeah you should include that but make it clearer.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:33 PM on July 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
Remove "who loves to laugh." Everyone loves to laugh. Whenever possible, you will want to avoid presenting a universal experience as though it is one of your unique qualities - it makes you seem like a boring person. Are you a boring person? No, you are not. You could rephrase it as saying you love to joke around or that you love to make people laugh. And who doesn't like to eat good food?
Also, Remove the word "silly."
I’ve spent most of my life moving up and down the Southern California coast, but having grown up in Van Nuys I am pretty sure I qualify as a bona-fide Valley girl so please excuse the not-so-occasional “like”, “omigod”, and “as if” that will likely pepper my speech and/or writing.
Cut this. The whole thing.
As my username suggests I’m a big fan of Star Wars, but I’m also pretty partial to Star Trek, Harry Potter, and Disney (though not necessarily in that order!).
Cut the "not necessarily in that order!" There is no one in the world (at least no one you want to date) who will read that and think, "Wait, she likes Star Trek more than Harry Potter? And Harry Potter more than Disney? NEXT!"
Furthermore,
I figure it’s something of an occupational hazard to fall in love with so many wonderful films, TV shows, and books because my career revolves around working with industries that pride themselves on high quality visual storytelling. (And I wouldn’t have it any other way.)
Cut this. Work your job into it some other way. Or include a broader range of movies and such that you like. Right now, you're saying that there are a lot of wonderful things you get exposed to, and then listing a couple really well-known blockbusters and franchises. Diversify. What's something off the beaten path that you've loved?
In the next paragraph, you talk about the stuff you like to do but don't mention any creative pursuits. If you're going to introduce yourself as creative, why not fill in the reader with a little info on what you like to create? It's a conversation piece if nothing else.
When I’m not busy with work, I love spending time watching reruns of NCIS and Adventure Time, making trips to Disneyland and local bookstores, and enjoying the beautiful coastline that San Diego has to offer.
Again, diversify. You want the reader to know what's interesting about you, what's fun about you, what sort of fun they might have if they hang out with you. If you're on OKCupid there's a section where you can list the TV shows you like. If you put it in the "about me" part of it, what you're saying is that you were asked what you do for fun and the first thing you thought of was watching NCIS. I'm just saying.
I am definitely more of an introvert than an extrovert, so while I love going out and exploring the city here and there, I much prefer to hang around home playing board games or having movie nights with good friends. If that sounds like your kind of scene, we’re probably off to a pretty good start.
This is fine. Leave it as is.
The best match for me is therefore a long-term, serious relationship with a smart, confident, and kind guy with whom I have a lot of intellectual, emotional, and physical chemistry. Being able to laugh and connect with someone over a good conversation is essential to me; I’m definitely looking for somebody I can talk to and be my feisty, silly self with. It would also be cool if you happen to work in the same industry as I do, mostly because we will by default have a lot in common, and bonus points will be awarded to fellow vegetarians. :)
Cut the boldfaced sentence. Of course you're looking for a relationship with a smart person with whom you have chemistry. You can certainly indicate that you're looking for something long-term and serious, but there are better ways to say it ("Ultimately I'm looking for something long-term but of course I'm not in a hurry to jump into anything," or what have you).
Cut the final sentence. If you're a vegetarian, then other vegetarians will know you have that in common. But someone who eats meat might see it and then not message you because they're thinking your preference is to date vegetarians.
(Please know that I'm not a drinker, smoker, or recreational drug user, and also I'm not particularly outdoorsy or into becoming somebody's workout partner, so if those are things that are really important to you, rock on, but we aren't going to be a match romantically.)
Cut all of this. One of the things you're going to want to avoid doing is the attempt to preclude questions that the reader has not asked you yet. If someone messages you and you find out they drink, handle it then. Including it in your profile makes you sound defensive, which is going to turn some folks off.
You've already said you're really into watching TV and staying in and playing board games. If you take the extra step of pointing out that you don't much care for going outside or working out or getting much exercise, it's going to make you sound like a couch potato. Even people who actually are couch potatoes are probably going to be a little turned off by that if it's in your profile.
Also, this paragraph leaves it very unclear whether or not someone should bother contacting you at all if they drink or use recreational drugs ever. If you don't drink but you don't mind someone who drinks sometimes as long as they're not getting sloppy drunk every night, then just don't say anything at all. On the other hand, If you don't want to date someone who ever drinks, then yeah you should include that but make it clearer.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:33 PM on July 28, 2013 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Lead with your strengths! What you love to do, what is awesome about you. Not about what you explicitly or implicitly don't like, or the fandom that you associate yourself with.
As is -- while I am sure this is not a true reflection of your personality -- I find this profile to be extremely self-deprecating and negative, to the extent that knowing nothing more about you I would guess you are not someone who takes herself lightly but in fact has pretty low self-esteem or maybe even objectively doesn't have a lot to offer, which stands in noted contrast to your asking for someone to offer you a lot (a serious relationship).
You are explicitly negative about where you're from, about physical activity of any sort, about going out, and about common pleasures like drinking wine or eating meat. You hint that you have a cool job, but only to the extent that is consistent with fandom -- the only thing you seem to be truly positive about.
Every one of these things can be omitted or rephrased positively and energetically. Leave your non-drinking non-smoking to check boxes in the profile generator.
Also, and maybe I'm empirically wrong here, but I think calling for a prospective partner to be in the same industry you are in is probably narrowing thing down way too much. I might think you had low self-esteem and were very picky; that's not a great combination.
posted by MattD at 1:38 PM on July 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
As is -- while I am sure this is not a true reflection of your personality -- I find this profile to be extremely self-deprecating and negative, to the extent that knowing nothing more about you I would guess you are not someone who takes herself lightly but in fact has pretty low self-esteem or maybe even objectively doesn't have a lot to offer, which stands in noted contrast to your asking for someone to offer you a lot (a serious relationship).
You are explicitly negative about where you're from, about physical activity of any sort, about going out, and about common pleasures like drinking wine or eating meat. You hint that you have a cool job, but only to the extent that is consistent with fandom -- the only thing you seem to be truly positive about.
Every one of these things can be omitted or rephrased positively and energetically. Leave your non-drinking non-smoking to check boxes in the profile generator.
Also, and maybe I'm empirically wrong here, but I think calling for a prospective partner to be in the same industry you are in is probably narrowing thing down way too much. I might think you had low self-esteem and were very picky; that's not a great combination.
posted by MattD at 1:38 PM on July 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
You're looking for a non-drinking vegetarian. Non-drinking vegetarians are relatively hard to find in the male population, but the ones I know happen to be super outdoorsy types/health nuts.
Which is to say you are seeking a very hard to find group of men to begin with. I'm not saying give up or change your standards, just accept with those kind of criteria you aren't going to be going on half a dozen dates a week. You might get one or two a month of you're lucky.
Also why you describe is really just the noise of online dating. The type of highly incompatible men who are messaging you are also the type that aren't going to weed themselves out no matter what. So just ignore and move on. They are messaging you because you are attractive and then (best case scenario most don't even bother with this) tailoring their messages the best they can to try and give the appearance you two have anything in common. They aren't going to be deterred trust me. It's one of the worst parts of online dating because it disproportionately exposes you to the worst the male population has to offer and can make dating seem rather hopeless when 90% of the guys messaging you are creeps, but online dating is basically the real world equivalent of sitting at an airport bar alone. For every nice guy who tries to start a conversation with you there will also be 5 married business men trying to get you drunk and take you back to the airport Hilton. Luckily with online dating its far easier to ditch the jerks.
posted by whoaali at 1:41 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Which is to say you are seeking a very hard to find group of men to begin with. I'm not saying give up or change your standards, just accept with those kind of criteria you aren't going to be going on half a dozen dates a week. You might get one or two a month of you're lucky.
Also why you describe is really just the noise of online dating. The type of highly incompatible men who are messaging you are also the type that aren't going to weed themselves out no matter what. So just ignore and move on. They are messaging you because you are attractive and then (best case scenario most don't even bother with this) tailoring their messages the best they can to try and give the appearance you two have anything in common. They aren't going to be deterred trust me. It's one of the worst parts of online dating because it disproportionately exposes you to the worst the male population has to offer and can make dating seem rather hopeless when 90% of the guys messaging you are creeps, but online dating is basically the real world equivalent of sitting at an airport bar alone. For every nice guy who tries to start a conversation with you there will also be 5 married business men trying to get you drunk and take you back to the airport Hilton. Luckily with online dating its far easier to ditch the jerks.
posted by whoaali at 1:41 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Here's what I'd do:
_________
About Me:
I'm a cheerful, loving, creative geek. Like my username hints, I'm a big fan of Star Wars, Star Trek and Harry Potter with a weak spot for Disney. [Disney isn't particularly geeky, IMO.] My career as a [career title] lets me fall in love with so many wonderful films, TV shows, and books -- a wonderful occupational hazard from working with industries that pride themselves on high quality visual storytelling. (And I wouldn’t have it any other way.)
When I'm not busy with work, I like putting together friends for games nights [with games like blah blah blah] or watching movies [like blah blah blah]. I'm also a bit of an introvert, so I'm perfectly happy spending time watching reruns of NCIS and Adventure Time.
I'm not especially outdoorsy, but when I get out, it's to enjoy the beautiful coastline San Diego has to offer -- I spent most of my life moving up and down the Southern California coast [and it's awesome / sublime / peaceful / whatever]. I'm just as happy with a trip to Disneyland as to a local bookstore [to find a copy of something that sounds interesting].
After a break from the dating scene, I'm back and looking for a real match with long-term potential. If that's not what you're looking for, please pass me by because I'm looking for the real thing this time. The man I'm looking for is a smart, confident, and kind guy -- we'll have to have great physical, emotional and intellectual chemistry. Being able to laugh and connect with someone over a good conversation is essential to me; I’m definitely looking for somebody I can talk to and be my feisty, silly self with. It would also be cool if you happen to work in the same industry as I do, mostly because we will by default have a lot in common, and bonus points will be awarded to fellow vegetarians. :)
Message me if:
* You're looking for a real connection with long-term potential
* [List of other positive things]
* You would never say I remind you of your daughter [this will probably spur some message from potential suitors expressing horror that a fellow man could be so weird]
* You aren't just looking for arm candy, a drinking buddy or a workout partner -- like I said, I'm looking for the real deal this time!
____
Post some great pictures, ignore the creepos (that's like a full time job, I know) and off you go! Good luck.
posted by mibo at 1:49 PM on July 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
_________
About Me:
I'm a cheerful, loving, creative geek. Like my username hints, I'm a big fan of Star Wars, Star Trek and Harry Potter with a weak spot for Disney. [Disney isn't particularly geeky, IMO.] My career as a [career title] lets me fall in love with so many wonderful films, TV shows, and books -- a wonderful occupational hazard from working with industries that pride themselves on high quality visual storytelling. (And I wouldn’t have it any other way.)
When I'm not busy with work, I like putting together friends for games nights [with games like blah blah blah] or watching movies [like blah blah blah]. I'm also a bit of an introvert, so I'm perfectly happy spending time watching reruns of NCIS and Adventure Time.
I'm not especially outdoorsy, but when I get out, it's to enjoy the beautiful coastline San Diego has to offer -- I spent most of my life moving up and down the Southern California coast [and it's awesome / sublime / peaceful / whatever]. I'm just as happy with a trip to Disneyland as to a local bookstore [to find a copy of something that sounds interesting].
After a break from the dating scene, I'm back and looking for a real match with long-term potential. If that's not what you're looking for, please pass me by because I'm looking for the real thing this time. The man I'm looking for is a smart, confident, and kind guy -- we'll have to have great physical, emotional and intellectual chemistry. Being able to laugh and connect with someone over a good conversation is essential to me; I’m definitely looking for somebody I can talk to and be my feisty, silly self with. It would also be cool if you happen to work in the same industry as I do, mostly because we will by default have a lot in common, and bonus points will be awarded to fellow vegetarians. :)
Message me if:
* You're looking for a real connection with long-term potential
* [List of other positive things]
* You would never say I remind you of your daughter [this will probably spur some message from potential suitors expressing horror that a fellow man could be so weird]
* You aren't just looking for arm candy, a drinking buddy or a workout partner -- like I said, I'm looking for the real deal this time!
____
Post some great pictures, ignore the creepos (that's like a full time job, I know) and off you go! Good luck.
posted by mibo at 1:49 PM on July 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Oof, what a reality check. MattD, thanks for weighing in. Your comment really sort of cut through me (but in a good way) because up until now I always thought that being self-deprecating was the way to make myself more relatable. I don't want to portray myself as a light-weight or as someone who doesn't think they have a lot to offer, and maybe this is why I've been dating the guys that I have, because I'm not communicating how much I value myself. I've been putting myself down because I'm worried that if I am my real self I'll be seen as unapproachable. Gotta find the right balance so I'm vibrant but not as vapid as I've seemed in the past.
How does this sound? (Thanks, Mibo, for verbiage ideas.)
How does this sound? (Thanks, Mibo, for verbiage ideas.)
I’m a graphic designer and art director who specializes in children’s media and app development. Figuring out how apps should work and coming up with ways to make them better and more beautiful is seriously satisfying, and focusing on kid’s content gives me the chance to tap into my inner child on a daily basis.posted by Hello Darling at 2:30 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
As an introvert, game nights and movie marathons are more my scene than completing a club crawl every weekend, but I enjoy the occasional night on the town and will sing along loudly to any and all Beyonce songs that make it into a DJ’s rotation... if in the right company. ;)
I’m not especially outdoorsy, but when I get out, it’s to enjoy the beautiful Southern California coastline, take a trip to local bookstores to find a good murder mystery to read, or have an all-day adventure at Disneyland with friends. I’m also pretty fond of the new food-truck trend that’s taking my neighborhood by storm, especially now that so many excellent vegetarian options are popping up.
The man I’m looking for is a smart, confident, and kind guy who’s ready for a long-term relationship that thrives on good conversations and mutual physical, emotional, and intellectual chemistry. I’m passionate, feisty, a planner and a problem solver, and I’d love to be with someone who’s looking for a best friend and a partner in all parts of life.
I’m a graphic designer and art director who specializes in children’s media and app development. Figuring out how apps should work and coming up with ways to make them better and more beautiful is seriously satisfying, and focusing on kid’s content gives me the chance to tap into my inner child on a daily basis.
Cut this down to:
Here's the thing. This is something that comes up a lot in people's profiles. Someone will mention a personal quirk that is kind of charming in an individual way but they will mention it to a total stranger. If I knew you and found you interesting otherwise, I might find it really cute that you're singing "All The Single Ladies" at the top of your lungs, but the statement plus the qualifying statement plus the wink make it sound like, if I play my cards right, I might get to hear you sing along to the radio. I would therefore change this to
Cut the phrase "I'm not especially outdoorsy." You already said you prefer to stay in.
Expand on what you mean by "enjoying the coastline." What do you do? Do you take trips along the coastline? Are there places you like to go there? Things you like to do? Is there a place that sells fudge that you always have to stop and get some fudge from? Add some texture.
Everything else is pretty good.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:58 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Cut this down to:
I’m a graphic designer and art director who specializes in children’s media and app development. My job is seriously satisfying, and focusing on kid’s content gives me the chance to tap into my inner child on a daily basis.As an introvert, game nights and movie marathons are more my scene than completing a club crawl every weekend, but I enjoy the occasional night on the town and will sing along loudly to any and all Beyonce songs that make it into a DJ’s rotation... if in the right company. ;)
Here's the thing. This is something that comes up a lot in people's profiles. Someone will mention a personal quirk that is kind of charming in an individual way but they will mention it to a total stranger. If I knew you and found you interesting otherwise, I might find it really cute that you're singing "All The Single Ladies" at the top of your lungs, but the statement plus the qualifying statement plus the wink make it sound like, if I play my cards right, I might get to hear you sing along to the radio. I would therefore change this to
As an introvert, game nights and movie marathons are more my scene than completing a pub crawl every weekend, but I enjoy the occasional night on the town andI’m not especially outdoorsy, but when I get out, it’s to enjoy the beautiful Southern California coastline, take a trip to local bookstores to find a good murder mystery to read, or have an all-day adventure at Disneyland with friends. I’m also pretty fond of the new food-truck trend that’s taking my neighborhood by storm, especially now that so many excellent vegetarian options are popping up.
I pretty much always sing along really loudly to any Beyonce song that comes on the radio.
Cut the phrase "I'm not especially outdoorsy." You already said you prefer to stay in.
Expand on what you mean by "enjoying the coastline." What do you do? Do you take trips along the coastline? Are there places you like to go there? Things you like to do? Is there a place that sells fudge that you always have to stop and get some fudge from? Add some texture.
Everything else is pretty good.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:58 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm in my late 20s and I know very few people who don't drink. Now, I'm not saying I only know alcoholics, but other than a handful of people with incompatible medicines or who really hate the taste, most people I know, especially single people, go to bars regularly because that's how they meet people to date, or because socializing in bars is what their friends do, or because of trivia night, or they have introvert-ish socializing over board game nights with beer because the host offered it to them, or they go to open bar weddings, or...
Now, if that's really and truly a dealbreaker for you, rock on, but you're probably going to turn off a lot of social, casual drinkers, especially depending on your age and location. You might want to delete that and address with potential dates the reasons you hate alcohol, and determine what role it plays in their lives, before giving up someone with great potential who happens to use alcohol as social lubricant.
Caveat: I'm from an area that's big into bar culture and socialization. I could see other locations depending on that less, but again, a man looking for a date is often going to find himself in bars.
posted by jenlovesponies at 3:08 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Now, if that's really and truly a dealbreaker for you, rock on, but you're probably going to turn off a lot of social, casual drinkers, especially depending on your age and location. You might want to delete that and address with potential dates the reasons you hate alcohol, and determine what role it plays in their lives, before giving up someone with great potential who happens to use alcohol as social lubricant.
Caveat: I'm from an area that's big into bar culture and socialization. I could see other locations depending on that less, but again, a man looking for a date is often going to find himself in bars.
posted by jenlovesponies at 3:08 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Cut the phrase "I'm not especially outdoorsy." You already said you prefer to stay in.
Maybe it's San Diego, but I was usually way more "outdoorsy" than the guys messaging me on OkCupid in LA. And a lot of people who put on their profile how much they love to go hiking go hiking, like, once a year. Don't put yourself down. You're not the lone ranger in a sea of REI-outfitted rock climbing enthusiasts.
I would also get rid of the wink. But I'm not a dude, and not your target audience.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:31 PM on July 28, 2013
Maybe it's San Diego, but I was usually way more "outdoorsy" than the guys messaging me on OkCupid in LA. And a lot of people who put on their profile how much they love to go hiking go hiking, like, once a year. Don't put yourself down. You're not the lone ranger in a sea of REI-outfitted rock climbing enthusiasts.
I would also get rid of the wink. But I'm not a dude, and not your target audience.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:31 PM on July 28, 2013
Response by poster: You're not the lone ranger in a sea of REI-outfitted rock climbing enthusiasts.
Actually, I totally am. I am literally the only person in my wide circle of friends and acquaintances who is not a "I rock climb every weekend, take long visits to Joshua Tree each month, go biking/hiking/whatever whenever I can" kind of person. Everyone I work with, everyone I went to school with, and pretty much every guy I've ever dated has been that kind of person. I am not that person and I am tired of guys not believing that up front and trying to change me into that person when that is just not who I am! My idea of being outdoorsy is occasionally going to the beach, exploring tide pools, and then maybe taking a walk through the surrounding areas. I don't camp. I don't enjoy strenuous hikes. I don't surf, bike, or enjoy scuba diving. I am not the right girlfriend for someone who needs to be in nature whenever they have free time and wants me to be there with them.
I guess what it boils down to is that I'm trying to be authentic and don't know how to get that to come across in my profile. For example, I spent the last few relationships gritting my teeth and compromising completely about the fact that I am not not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who has more than 1-2 drinks a month (I only have alcohol 1-2 times a year) and I am tired of subverting who I am just because it'll get me more dates. I would like to date somebody who is capable of socializing and relaxing without alcohol, and I'm not going to lie about that anymore.
It does seem like the target audience I'm going for is by default a beer loving, outdoorsy, super-active group, so maybe I need to figure out how to get outside that realm so I can find somebody that has interests and a lifestyle more in line with mine? Or maybe I just need to forget about online dating and hope that someday I stumble upon the guy that's right for me since some of the things that are important to me are so out of the norm for people my age (mid twenties).
posted by Hello Darling at 5:27 PM on July 28, 2013
Actually, I totally am. I am literally the only person in my wide circle of friends and acquaintances who is not a "I rock climb every weekend, take long visits to Joshua Tree each month, go biking/hiking/whatever whenever I can" kind of person. Everyone I work with, everyone I went to school with, and pretty much every guy I've ever dated has been that kind of person. I am not that person and I am tired of guys not believing that up front and trying to change me into that person when that is just not who I am! My idea of being outdoorsy is occasionally going to the beach, exploring tide pools, and then maybe taking a walk through the surrounding areas. I don't camp. I don't enjoy strenuous hikes. I don't surf, bike, or enjoy scuba diving. I am not the right girlfriend for someone who needs to be in nature whenever they have free time and wants me to be there with them.
I guess what it boils down to is that I'm trying to be authentic and don't know how to get that to come across in my profile. For example, I spent the last few relationships gritting my teeth and compromising completely about the fact that I am not not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who has more than 1-2 drinks a month (I only have alcohol 1-2 times a year) and I am tired of subverting who I am just because it'll get me more dates. I would like to date somebody who is capable of socializing and relaxing without alcohol, and I'm not going to lie about that anymore.
It does seem like the target audience I'm going for is by default a beer loving, outdoorsy, super-active group, so maybe I need to figure out how to get outside that realm so I can find somebody that has interests and a lifestyle more in line with mine? Or maybe I just need to forget about online dating and hope that someday I stumble upon the guy that's right for me since some of the things that are important to me are so out of the norm for people my age (mid twenties).
posted by Hello Darling at 5:27 PM on July 28, 2013
Best answer: Hello Darling I think your choices are valid and it's not unreasonable to seek that in a partner, but it doesn't change the fact you are dealing with a very small subset of men who are going to be hard to find. So you probably are doing all the right things and you are just going to have to adjust your expectations as to how many men you are going to meet who fit your criteria.
Are you religious? I could see a liberal Christian guy possibly fulfilling your criteria. I'm an atheist, but I know plenty of people who have met at church of that's your thing. Also you might want to look into straight edge culture. I don't know a lot about it but the one guy I know that would largely fit your criteria was "straight edge" and very involved in volunteering and progressive causes.
posted by whoaali at 6:43 PM on July 28, 2013
Are you religious? I could see a liberal Christian guy possibly fulfilling your criteria. I'm an atheist, but I know plenty of people who have met at church of that's your thing. Also you might want to look into straight edge culture. I don't know a lot about it but the one guy I know that would largely fit your criteria was "straight edge" and very involved in volunteering and progressive causes.
posted by whoaali at 6:43 PM on July 28, 2013
Response by poster: I'm not religious, but yes, I guess straight-edge describes me really well. Maybe I would have better luck with a liberal Christian guy, but I'd need to think about that because I don't really identify with Christianity and am looking for someone more spiritual than religious.
Based on everyone's feedback, I'm going to leave out the "no thank you" section and will work on asking good questions during initial conversations with guys I contact and vice versa. Here's what I've settled on description wise. Thank you all for your input!
Based on everyone's feedback, I'm going to leave out the "no thank you" section and will work on asking good questions during initial conversations with guys I contact and vice versa. Here's what I've settled on description wise. Thank you all for your input!
Hi! I’m a graphic designer and art director who specializes in children’s media and app development. It’s seriously satisfying work, and focusing on kid’s content gives me the chance to tap into my inner child on a daily basis.posted by Hello Darling at 7:07 PM on July 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I’m what you’d call a really cheerful introvert: I love a good laugh and definitely enjoy a night on the town here and there, but when it comes down to it I’m a much bigger fan of game nights, movie marathons, and trips to local bookstores than I am of weekend pub crawls and repeated evenings at clubs downtown. I unwind best when I have the chance to do some thinking; I love spending time at museums and relish the chance to sit down somewhere quiet and beautiful, have a pastry, and catch up on reading or a few of my favorite TV shows.
The man I’m looking for is a smart, confident, and kind guy who thrives on good conversation, mutual physical, emotional, and intellectual chemistry, and who's ready for a long-term relationship. I’m passionate, feisty, a planner, and a progressive problem solver. I’d love to be with someone who’s looking for those things in a best friend and partner in crime, too. :)
You remind me of me in your profile a little, although I don't get as much attention as you, I don't think.
The older guys thing will probably always happen.
I think your updated profile you posted is fine and I haven't got many suggestions to improve. Yes you will narrow your options a little by specifying you're not into drinking or outdoorsy activities. But that's fine, because these things seem integral to who you are and what you want, so I think you should include them.
Have you tried something like geek2geek.com? Or another 'nerdy' dating site? (Maybe someone can recommend one) I personally can't vouch for them, having never used them, but the idea sounds promising and I wanted to try it, except there's no Aus equivalent it seems. I mention it because it might be easier to connect with more people who already share some of your interests there and who are maybe more introvert and not totally into the bar scene and outdoor scene as such. Just an idea.
posted by Dimes at 8:40 PM on July 28, 2013
The older guys thing will probably always happen.
I think your updated profile you posted is fine and I haven't got many suggestions to improve. Yes you will narrow your options a little by specifying you're not into drinking or outdoorsy activities. But that's fine, because these things seem integral to who you are and what you want, so I think you should include them.
Have you tried something like geek2geek.com? Or another 'nerdy' dating site? (Maybe someone can recommend one) I personally can't vouch for them, having never used them, but the idea sounds promising and I wanted to try it, except there's no Aus equivalent it seems. I mention it because it might be easier to connect with more people who already share some of your interests there and who are maybe more introvert and not totally into the bar scene and outdoor scene as such. Just an idea.
posted by Dimes at 8:40 PM on July 28, 2013
Re that "no thank you" section, I think handled delicately some of it is fine and maybe even useful.
Work in the same industry? Bonus points awarded to fellow vegetarians? Wow, hugely limiting. But your edit where you mention your appreciation of veggie food trucks? A good hint to your reader at your interests.
I once had a line that worked well for me, "if you're in to NASCAR, WWF and country music, and spend most of your down time on the couch in front of your video games/television, I'm probably not your match." In my case, that weeded out the few things that truly would indicate a bad match.
You could do something similar with, "if you prefer to spend your weekends camping, like to drink to excess and think I remind you of your daughter, I'm probably not the droid you're looking for."
Definitely keep any such language light and limited though. Have fun!
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 8:57 PM on July 28, 2013
Work in the same industry? Bonus points awarded to fellow vegetarians? Wow, hugely limiting. But your edit where you mention your appreciation of veggie food trucks? A good hint to your reader at your interests.
I once had a line that worked well for me, "if you're in to NASCAR, WWF and country music, and spend most of your down time on the couch in front of your video games/television, I'm probably not your match." In my case, that weeded out the few things that truly would indicate a bad match.
You could do something similar with, "if you prefer to spend your weekends camping, like to drink to excess and think I remind you of your daughter, I'm probably not the droid you're looking for."
Definitely keep any such language light and limited though. Have fun!
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 8:57 PM on July 28, 2013
I think on OKCupid there's a section for whether/how often you drink, smoke, or use drugs, and you can just click "no" there -- it'll show up on the sidebar. So people should get the message without your having to be explicit about it (at least, people who read profiles, which I'm guessing is your target demographic).
posted by en forme de poire at 6:19 AM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by en forme de poire at 6:19 AM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, there's quite a bit of research showing that the feminine mind is lousy at understanding which profiles will appeal to the masculine mind. You might want to give extra weight to feedback from the M gender.
Good luck. Especially with the no alcohol aspect.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:25 AM on July 29, 2013
Good luck. Especially with the no alcohol aspect.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:25 AM on July 29, 2013
I know a nerdy, non-outdoorsy, professional animator who doesn't party. He's Catholic but I'm not sure how serious he is about it. He is 30 and looking for a serious relationship. MeMail me if you want the hook-up!
posted by hellameangirl at 11:00 AM on July 29, 2013
posted by hellameangirl at 11:00 AM on July 29, 2013
« Older Best motivational and enthusiastic cheers for race... | Blogs with a sense of place? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by tooloudinhere at 1:06 PM on July 28, 2013