How can I twist the truth on my dating profile to attract my ideal date?
July 27, 2013 7:49 AM Subscribe
After coming out of a long term relationship 3 years ago, I've had a few short term relationships from online dating, but generally my dates compare unfavourably to previous long term offline partners. The more attractive profiles don't respond very often to me, or I mess it up early on when they do. I am starting to wonder if I should accept my situation and settle, or alternatively if I am doing things wrong.
I'm 34, living in the UK. I asked some close female friends what their online search filter criteria were. The answers were generally, height, job title, proximity, in that order.
Firstly, height was number one. Comes as little surprise really, but the minimum was 5'11. They might consider lower in exceptional circumstances, but generally if they were doing an active search, the filter was set to 5'11 minimum. Now, I am 5'9 and one fifth, bare foot. I hear rumblings that it acceptable to add a couple of inches on a dating profile? Seems like a significant lie to me. On the other hand, if girls are adjusting heights of profiles, should I go along with the lie? Also what about wearing thick heeled soles? Isn't this a kind of deception?
Secondly, a steady and interesting job. I am a solo internet business founder. I make 5 figure profit most months, but on the surface I have a very weird job. On a dating site 'entrepreneur' is basically synonymous with 'unemployed' it seems. Also, it is a very dull business, and I only work one day a week tops on it. The business has a manager, and so the income is basically passive most of the time. I'm currently spending a lot of my spare time on personal creative projects, which generally gives the impression to people who don't know me that I'm basically unemployed and lazy. So it comes across as neither steady nor interesting. And when people ask me what kind of business I am in, it's the kind of industry that is an instant conversation killer. Could I just make something up? Is this dishonest?
Thirdly proximity, The kind of person I want to meet probably lives in a major global city. Which is kind of annoying as I have no professional need to be in a global city. But I can afford it. My flat lease expires in 3 weeks, so I could easily move to Paris, London or Rome. This does seems like a very expensive way to meet somebody. I hate commuting so living in the suburbs would not be an option.
On the other hand, I have cash available to buy a house, which I feel might help my case. I live an otherwise very minimalist life style so can't boast of cars and boats. Property is not an appealing asset class to me, but I've been considering buying a house in cash just as a way of displaying solvency . However I don't like debt, so would have to pay cash, which is fine, but I couldn't afford to buy in a global city, it would have to be provincial.....
Please help!
I'm 34, living in the UK. I asked some close female friends what their online search filter criteria were. The answers were generally, height, job title, proximity, in that order.
Firstly, height was number one. Comes as little surprise really, but the minimum was 5'11. They might consider lower in exceptional circumstances, but generally if they were doing an active search, the filter was set to 5'11 minimum. Now, I am 5'9 and one fifth, bare foot. I hear rumblings that it acceptable to add a couple of inches on a dating profile? Seems like a significant lie to me. On the other hand, if girls are adjusting heights of profiles, should I go along with the lie? Also what about wearing thick heeled soles? Isn't this a kind of deception?
Secondly, a steady and interesting job. I am a solo internet business founder. I make 5 figure profit most months, but on the surface I have a very weird job. On a dating site 'entrepreneur' is basically synonymous with 'unemployed' it seems. Also, it is a very dull business, and I only work one day a week tops on it. The business has a manager, and so the income is basically passive most of the time. I'm currently spending a lot of my spare time on personal creative projects, which generally gives the impression to people who don't know me that I'm basically unemployed and lazy. So it comes across as neither steady nor interesting. And when people ask me what kind of business I am in, it's the kind of industry that is an instant conversation killer. Could I just make something up? Is this dishonest?
Thirdly proximity, The kind of person I want to meet probably lives in a major global city. Which is kind of annoying as I have no professional need to be in a global city. But I can afford it. My flat lease expires in 3 weeks, so I could easily move to Paris, London or Rome. This does seems like a very expensive way to meet somebody. I hate commuting so living in the suburbs would not be an option.
On the other hand, I have cash available to buy a house, which I feel might help my case. I live an otherwise very minimalist life style so can't boast of cars and boats. Property is not an appealing asset class to me, but I've been considering buying a house in cash just as a way of displaying solvency . However I don't like debt, so would have to pay cash, which is fine, but I couldn't afford to buy in a global city, it would have to be provincial.....
Please help!
First: no. Women might think they're justified in adding a couple of inches if they often
Second: no. Entrepreneur might be considered synonymous with unemployed because of lying unemployed people trying to seem employed. Don't make something up. Don't lie. Don't assume that your industry is a conversation killer.
Third: not for that reason, no. You should move if you feel like your overall life would be improved. If property isn't appealing to you, why would it be appealing to someone you're compatible with?
Lying won't help get repeat dates, especially easily-found-out lies.
posted by RainyJay at 8:05 AM on July 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Second: no. Entrepreneur might be considered synonymous with unemployed because of lying unemployed people trying to seem employed. Don't make something up. Don't lie. Don't assume that your industry is a conversation killer.
Third: not for that reason, no. You should move if you feel like your overall life would be improved. If property isn't appealing to you, why would it be appealing to someone you're compatible with?
Lying won't help get repeat dates, especially easily-found-out lies.
posted by RainyJay at 8:05 AM on July 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
The more attractive profiles don't respond very often to me, or I mess it up early on when they do.
Work on not messing it up with the ones who contact you. That's much better than lying.
Also your previous questions make it sound like you are somewhat unsettled about how you live and what you are doing. I bet if you were happier with your current situation you would come across better. So maybe some of the stuff you are tempted to fudge is stuff you might want to change anyway.
posted by BibiRose at 8:07 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
Work on not messing it up with the ones who contact you. That's much better than lying.
Also your previous questions make it sound like you are somewhat unsettled about how you live and what you are doing. I bet if you were happier with your current situation you would come across better. So maybe some of the stuff you are tempted to fudge is stuff you might want to change anyway.
posted by BibiRose at 8:07 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
Are you sure these are the things that are causing the issue? I mean I know you polled your female friends on what they are looking for, but the things they mentioned not be the issue for *you* nor for the women you are writing to.
Did you know that dishonesty is a HUUUUUUUUGE turnoff? Dishonesty is possibly my biggest turnoff of all and immediately makes me stop thinking of someone as a potential romantic partner. Especially what I think of as "weaselly" dishonesty, where someone makes a big reach and goes through some weird mental gymnastics to convince themselves that it is okay ("Also what about wearing thick heeled soles? Isn't this a kind of deception?"). Dishonesty based in insecurity is also extremely unattractive.
If you need to ASK whether something like this is dishonest: "And when people ask me what kind of business I am in, it's the kind of industry that is an instant conversation killer. Could I just make something up? Is this dishonest?"
It would make me RUN. Seriously? Is making up a job dishonest? You really don't know?
And... insecurity. Insecurity can be really charming to me at times depending on what it is about, but when it's about things like "not being able to boast of property or cars" it's just another really huge turnoff.
The more attractive profiles don't respond very often to me, or I mess it up early on when they do.
Exactly what were you doing to mess it up?
And, what kind of a woman are you looking for anyway? What are the traits of this person?
If your profession is something you are so ashamed of that it becomes a "conversation killer" when people ask you about it (is it a porn site?) then maybe the solution is to do something you can be less ashamed of, rather than just making up a fake job and lying about it.
posted by cairdeas at 8:11 AM on July 27, 2013 [17 favorites]
Did you know that dishonesty is a HUUUUUUUUGE turnoff? Dishonesty is possibly my biggest turnoff of all and immediately makes me stop thinking of someone as a potential romantic partner. Especially what I think of as "weaselly" dishonesty, where someone makes a big reach and goes through some weird mental gymnastics to convince themselves that it is okay ("Also what about wearing thick heeled soles? Isn't this a kind of deception?"). Dishonesty based in insecurity is also extremely unattractive.
If you need to ASK whether something like this is dishonest: "And when people ask me what kind of business I am in, it's the kind of industry that is an instant conversation killer. Could I just make something up? Is this dishonest?"
It would make me RUN. Seriously? Is making up a job dishonest? You really don't know?
And... insecurity. Insecurity can be really charming to me at times depending on what it is about, but when it's about things like "not being able to boast of property or cars" it's just another really huge turnoff.
The more attractive profiles don't respond very often to me, or I mess it up early on when they do.
Exactly what were you doing to mess it up?
And, what kind of a woman are you looking for anyway? What are the traits of this person?
If your profession is something you are so ashamed of that it becomes a "conversation killer" when people ask you about it (is it a porn site?) then maybe the solution is to do something you can be less ashamed of, rather than just making up a fake job and lying about it.
posted by cairdeas at 8:11 AM on July 27, 2013 [17 favorites]
Don't lie. But you also don't have to focus your profile or your conversations on stuff that isn't important to you or that might sound weird to other people.
I think you can say you're 5'10". I'm 5'9 1/2", and my profile says I'm 5'10" (I'm a woman, if that matters). I don't consider that a lie.
As for your job, I'd select the "category" for your career field in the dropdown menu, and then just don't say anything else about your job at all. If it's not what you actually spend your time doing, and it's not a reflection of who you actually are, then talk about stuff that actually is interesting to you. You're not required to give an accounting of your time in your online dating profile. So, just like everyone else, you have a career in [industry], and then you have awesome hobbies. The fact that your career is self-employment, or that you spend more time on your hobbies than most people, doesn't much matter. At least not for purposes of your dating profile.
I have no idea what your third point is about. I mean, I literally don't understand what the question is. Your words are unclear. You should date people you're interested in who live near where you live. If you want to live in Paris, move to Paris. I don't at all understand what buying a house in the suburbs has to do with your online dating profile. Don't talk about your frugality or your real estate holdings. Live where you like to live, and date people who live near you.
posted by decathecting at 8:14 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you can say you're 5'10". I'm 5'9 1/2", and my profile says I'm 5'10" (I'm a woman, if that matters). I don't consider that a lie.
As for your job, I'd select the "category" for your career field in the dropdown menu, and then just don't say anything else about your job at all. If it's not what you actually spend your time doing, and it's not a reflection of who you actually are, then talk about stuff that actually is interesting to you. You're not required to give an accounting of your time in your online dating profile. So, just like everyone else, you have a career in [industry], and then you have awesome hobbies. The fact that your career is self-employment, or that you spend more time on your hobbies than most people, doesn't much matter. At least not for purposes of your dating profile.
I have no idea what your third point is about. I mean, I literally don't understand what the question is. Your words are unclear. You should date people you're interested in who live near where you live. If you want to live in Paris, move to Paris. I don't at all understand what buying a house in the suburbs has to do with your online dating profile. Don't talk about your frugality or your real estate holdings. Live where you like to live, and date people who live near you.
posted by decathecting at 8:14 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
By the way, if a woman really wants someone who is 6'1" or taller, so badly that she's actually excluding other men from her search, and you show up a full four inches shorter, she'll most likely feel disappointed and tricked. Not the best first impression to make IMO.
I mean, let's look at this logically. Is starting of with shameless, shallow lies a good way to develop a close relationship of trust with another human??
posted by cairdeas at 8:15 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I mean, let's look at this logically. Is starting of with shameless, shallow lies a good way to develop a close relationship of trust with another human??
posted by cairdeas at 8:15 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Wait, hang on. Internet business... Entrepreneur... Passive income... Conversation killer...
Do you run a porn site? Is that the problem?
posted by decathecting at 8:16 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
Do you run a porn site? Is that the problem?
posted by decathecting at 8:16 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
I obviously can't pull the stats, but unless your female friends are all well above average catches, they're dipping further into the five foot range than they think they are, even if it's only when they come home alone and sad some nights. After all, there are more women who want tall men than there are tall men. Also, make sure your photos are good ones -- they matter more than your listed height once you appear in search results.
Just describe yourself as a person in e-commerce and/or consulting but then go on to say what your real passions and interests are. Hide the fact you have tons of free time and use it as a secret weapon. Make readers marvel at how you have time for everything.
I think you should move to an urban center because your interests/lifestyle will go over better there and it sounds like you would enjoy it. Just rent an apartment that isn't something a bum would choose and keep it clean. You don't need a house to prove anything.
posted by michaelh at 8:18 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just describe yourself as a person in e-commerce and/or consulting but then go on to say what your real passions and interests are. Hide the fact you have tons of free time and use it as a secret weapon. Make readers marvel at how you have time for everything.
I think you should move to an urban center because your interests/lifestyle will go over better there and it sounds like you would enjoy it. Just rent an apartment that isn't something a bum would choose and keep it clean. You don't need a house to prove anything.
posted by michaelh at 8:18 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Ha! no it's not a porn site, nothing seedy at all, just not 'interesting'. but i can see why it might look that way. All the more reason to be honest I guess
posted by molloy at 8:19 AM on July 27, 2013
posted by molloy at 8:19 AM on July 27, 2013
Also, people are entitled to make judgments about your choices in life when deciding if they want to date you or enter into a relationship with you. If a woman doesn't want to enter into a relationship with a man who runs whatever business you run, that's a legitimate choice for her to make. Trying to take away that choice is extremely controlling and disrespectful in my eyes. If many women are turning you down for doing whatever it is, maybe it's better to either understand why, or find a woman who isn't bothered by it, rather than trying to trick people. (Would you reveal it to her after marriage?? When??)
posted by cairdeas at 8:19 AM on July 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 8:19 AM on July 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
I've dated plenty of people who don't have "interesting" jobs. On our early dates, we talked about other things. It was fine. Frankly, the times I've chosen to go on a date with someone because they had an interesting-sounding job, the date didn't really go anywhere because I spent the whole time grilling them about work. Which doesn't lend itself to romance. Nowadays I try to only go out with people who have cool jobs if I also am excited about them as a person.
posted by Sara C. at 8:22 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Sara C. at 8:22 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm a person who has dated using the internet and perused profiles.
I have on a quite a few occasions ended up dating a man who has lied about his age, sometimes by a couple years or sometimes by 10 or so years.I can usually figure it out based on a comment or some factor.
When I find out (it is usually predate/or date 1 or 2), I drop the person like a stone. Why? Seriously these factors are minor, but if the person can't tell the truth on something that minor, how do I know that he is not married? Has children? Etc. My faith in the person is thrown it is easier to just date another person. So why not just be honest about your height, job, etc.?
On the other hand, I have cash available to buy a house, which I feel might help my case. I live an otherwise very minimalist life style so can't boast of cars and boats. Property is not an appealing asset class to me, but I've been considering buying a house in cash just as a way of displaying solvency .
What are *YOUR* values? So if you attract someone by displaying things that are not that important to you, is your plan to continue displaying this for years? Why not look for people who have similar values?
posted by Wolfster at 8:24 AM on July 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
I have on a quite a few occasions ended up dating a man who has lied about his age, sometimes by a couple years or sometimes by 10 or so years.I can usually figure it out based on a comment or some factor.
When I find out (it is usually predate/or date 1 or 2), I drop the person like a stone. Why? Seriously these factors are minor, but if the person can't tell the truth on something that minor, how do I know that he is not married? Has children? Etc. My faith in the person is thrown it is easier to just date another person. So why not just be honest about your height, job, etc.?
On the other hand, I have cash available to buy a house, which I feel might help my case. I live an otherwise very minimalist life style so can't boast of cars and boats. Property is not an appealing asset class to me, but I've been considering buying a house in cash just as a way of displaying solvency .
What are *YOUR* values? So if you attract someone by displaying things that are not that important to you, is your plan to continue displaying this for years? Why not look for people who have similar values?
posted by Wolfster at 8:24 AM on July 27, 2013 [12 favorites]
I suspect that the people who are searching for men by job title aren't searching for "interesting" jobs, they're searching for lawyers and bankers as an approximation for richness and a certain type of ambitious personality. Unless you're a lawyer or a banker, you're not going to get picked by people who are searching for those terms. So, pick something that won't get you eliminated by women who are browsing rather than searching and see it, and then make sure you fill out the income field to reflect your apparently decent income.
Instead of entrepreneur, consider something like 'small business owner' or 'company president' or the type of business that you own.
But something to keep in mind, is that attractive women on dating sites get tons of contact and don't respond to any of it very often. If you're getting some responses, you're probably doing fine. If you're then screwing those contacts up, that's probably where you need to focus your energies on improving -- what are you screwing up? are you sure it's you and not just a lack of chemistry? can you work on the skills (writing better email or learning how to progress things to a first date reasonably but not creepily efficiently) that would make you not screw it up?
Finally, yes, if you want to meet women in London, you should live in London. That doesn't mean you need to buy a house in London -- if you're renting a nice flat rather than a grotty one, it's not that likely to matter early on whether you own it or not -- but very few people who live in London are going to want to start a relationship with someone who lives in Leeds or Coventry or whereever it is that you live that isn't London. People who live in large cities tend to think that the other side of town is too far to date.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:35 AM on July 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Instead of entrepreneur, consider something like 'small business owner' or 'company president' or the type of business that you own.
But something to keep in mind, is that attractive women on dating sites get tons of contact and don't respond to any of it very often. If you're getting some responses, you're probably doing fine. If you're then screwing those contacts up, that's probably where you need to focus your energies on improving -- what are you screwing up? are you sure it's you and not just a lack of chemistry? can you work on the skills (writing better email or learning how to progress things to a first date reasonably but not creepily efficiently) that would make you not screw it up?
Finally, yes, if you want to meet women in London, you should live in London. That doesn't mean you need to buy a house in London -- if you're renting a nice flat rather than a grotty one, it's not that likely to matter early on whether you own it or not -- but very few people who live in London are going to want to start a relationship with someone who lives in Leeds or Coventry or whereever it is that you live that isn't London. People who live in large cities tend to think that the other side of town is too far to date.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:35 AM on July 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Good grief. No. No, no, no. It is not even a little bit okay to lie about this stuff.
Firstly, and most importantly, it is not fair to the women perusing your profile. It's basically false advertising, about something really important.
Secondly, once you meet a woman in person, she's going to figure it out pretty quickly. Especially the height thing.
Thirdly, what's the point? I mean, seriously, why do you want to date women who are attracted to someone who you are not? That seems...unsustainable, at best.
Fourthly...everything else cairdeas said.
(Oh, and btw: I'm a nearly-6-foot-tall, average-looking straight female. I've dated plenty of guys who are shorter than me; some of them significantly so. On the other hand, i would walk immediately if i found out someone had lied in his profile. So I seriously question the notion that height is 'most women's' first priority.)
posted by Salamander at 8:46 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Firstly, and most importantly, it is not fair to the women perusing your profile. It's basically false advertising, about something really important.
Secondly, once you meet a woman in person, she's going to figure it out pretty quickly. Especially the height thing.
Thirdly, what's the point? I mean, seriously, why do you want to date women who are attracted to someone who you are not? That seems...unsustainable, at best.
Fourthly...everything else cairdeas said.
(Oh, and btw: I'm a nearly-6-foot-tall, average-looking straight female. I've dated plenty of guys who are shorter than me; some of them significantly so. On the other hand, i would walk immediately if i found out someone had lied in his profile. So I seriously question the notion that height is 'most women's' first priority.)
posted by Salamander at 8:46 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
DO NOT LIE ABOUT YOUR HEIGHT. No, it's an awful idea. I'm a 5'9'' woman, I do *alot* of online dating. Honest to god, nothing pisses me off faster than showing up for a date with a guy who's "5'11''" just to find out that he's actually shorter than me. I try not to be too shallow about height (everyone has their arbitrary physical attraction thing) but it's the dishonesty that immediately terminates the prospect of a second date. To say nothing of the irritation I feel when they turn the tables and say, "Well, gee, I'm 5'11'', you must be 6'1''" when I know damn well how tall I am. There are plenty of women shorter than you (or taller than you) who will think they fit just perfectly well in your arms.
And I'm sorry, but your close female friends sound a little . . . shallow. Job title, that's it? They don't care more about whether he's satisfied with work, or what it contributes to their community? How do you describe the job in your profile? Do you pigeonhole yourself with the "entrepreneur" selection or do you say "I am a solo internet business founder, on the surface I have a very weird [fun, interesting, satisfying] job. The income is basically passive most of the time, so I'm currently spending a lot of my spare time on personal creative projects [like all of these awesome things that I do]." This job description would intrigue me -- you're financially secure enough to spend your time being creative, lucky pants! It obviously takes planning and talent to be this financially secure at 34. How'd you do it? (Hint: That's the gist of the first message I'd have sent you if I thought we'd click.)
As for moving -- I mean, if you're serious about finding a forever partner I suppose it might be a good idea. But for me, personally, Property is not an appealing asset class to me is a pretty sexy attitude to have. (You say this in your profile, right?) Just how financially sound are you? Can you afford to rent in a city for a while, to see what kind of people you meet? Or just do long-termish traveling? Can you search profiles in bigger cities and start conversations, or does the site you use restrict this? I've had messages from people all over the US on OKC; if someone totally blew me away and stopped in my city for a visit, I'd totally get a drink with him.
To end this rant-ish answer, let me explain my visceral reaction: I've had more than one relationship explode after I found out the other person lied about very basic information just to get into a relationship with me (or my pants). It's humiliating, frustrating and, in my opinion, shows a total disregard and disrespect for who I am as a person. Please, please don't do this. Think hard about the kind of person you'd like to be and the relationship you'd like to have -- now imagine fucking it all up because you told her you were an investment banker and 10 months later she finds out you're an internet entrepreneur. She dumps your lying ass and everyone feels awful and like their time was completely wasted.
TL;DR. You really sound like an interesting person who's just very hard on himself. Play up your strengths. Remind yourself it's a numbers game.
posted by mibo at 8:48 AM on July 27, 2013 [20 favorites]
And I'm sorry, but your close female friends sound a little . . . shallow. Job title, that's it? They don't care more about whether he's satisfied with work, or what it contributes to their community? How do you describe the job in your profile? Do you pigeonhole yourself with the "entrepreneur" selection or do you say "I am a solo internet business founder, on the surface I have a very weird [fun, interesting, satisfying] job. The income is basically passive most of the time, so I'm currently spending a lot of my spare time on personal creative projects [like all of these awesome things that I do]." This job description would intrigue me -- you're financially secure enough to spend your time being creative, lucky pants! It obviously takes planning and talent to be this financially secure at 34. How'd you do it? (Hint: That's the gist of the first message I'd have sent you if I thought we'd click.)
As for moving -- I mean, if you're serious about finding a forever partner I suppose it might be a good idea. But for me, personally, Property is not an appealing asset class to me is a pretty sexy attitude to have. (You say this in your profile, right?) Just how financially sound are you? Can you afford to rent in a city for a while, to see what kind of people you meet? Or just do long-termish traveling? Can you search profiles in bigger cities and start conversations, or does the site you use restrict this? I've had messages from people all over the US on OKC; if someone totally blew me away and stopped in my city for a visit, I'd totally get a drink with him.
To end this rant-ish answer, let me explain my visceral reaction: I've had more than one relationship explode after I found out the other person lied about very basic information just to get into a relationship with me (or my pants). It's humiliating, frustrating and, in my opinion, shows a total disregard and disrespect for who I am as a person. Please, please don't do this. Think hard about the kind of person you'd like to be and the relationship you'd like to have -- now imagine fucking it all up because you told her you were an investment banker and 10 months later she finds out you're an internet entrepreneur. She dumps your lying ass and everyone feels awful and like their time was completely wasted.
TL;DR. You really sound like an interesting person who's just very hard on himself. Play up your strengths. Remind yourself it's a numbers game.
posted by mibo at 8:48 AM on July 27, 2013 [20 favorites]
So, I prefer to date men close to my height, within the 5'6" to 5'8" range is ideal. If you lied about your height to make yourself taller you would actually be discouraging me, someone who is interested in you for being what you actually are.
Think about that for a moment. You are lying to attract women who don't want to date you, and in doing so you are putting off women who are looking for the qualities you are hiding.
Like other commenters, I'm far more interested in what you mean when you say you mess up early when women do reply. What does that mean??
posted by Dynex at 8:48 AM on July 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
Think about that for a moment. You are lying to attract women who don't want to date you, and in doing so you are putting off women who are looking for the qualities you are hiding.
Like other commenters, I'm far more interested in what you mean when you say you mess up early when women do reply. What does that mean??
posted by Dynex at 8:48 AM on July 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
Oh, and another thing. It looks like you've been toying with the idea of moving to London for a while for purposes of stimulating yourself and being happy. So just go ahead and do that already, bonus points if you meet the love of your life when you get there.
posted by mibo at 8:54 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by mibo at 8:54 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's humiliating, frustrating and, in my opinion, shows a total disregard and disrespect for who I am as a person. Please, please don't do this.
Also, this. So very much. I get to decide whether you (the real you) is who I want to date; by misrepresenting yourself, you're taking away my full freedom of choice.
It's a very selfish act.
posted by Salamander at 9:05 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Also, this. So very much. I get to decide whether you (the real you) is who I want to date; by misrepresenting yourself, you're taking away my full freedom of choice.
It's a very selfish act.
posted by Salamander at 9:05 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
The business has a manager, and so the income is basically passive most of the time. I'm currently spending a lot of my spare time on personal creative projects, which generally gives the impression to people who don't know me that I'm basically unemployed and lazy.
I would also reassess how you are thinking about this and if you are projecting how you think others are supposed to pereceive this.
Most people that I know need to work (i.e. rent, food, etc.), and at the end of the day, describing the details of a person's job is not that interesting to other people.
However, what can make people unique are their creative projects and that they even do creative projects.
Again, as a person who goes on internet dates and peruses profiles- seeing a creative projects (and play it up -let it show), like music or photos or art work .... this can make a person interesting/attractive. No one needs to know if you spend one hour it or 1000 hours on it or a month or a year. Let these interests shine through.
posted by Wolfster at 9:08 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would also reassess how you are thinking about this and if you are projecting how you think others are supposed to pereceive this.
Most people that I know need to work (i.e. rent, food, etc.), and at the end of the day, describing the details of a person's job is not that interesting to other people.
However, what can make people unique are their creative projects and that they even do creative projects.
Again, as a person who goes on internet dates and peruses profiles- seeing a creative projects (and play it up -let it show), like music or photos or art work .... this can make a person interesting/attractive. No one needs to know if you spend one hour it or 1000 hours on it or a month or a year. Let these interests shine through.
posted by Wolfster at 9:08 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
For your job: "I've worked very hard to build up a successful small business. I now have time to spent pursuing creative ventures such as X, Y, and Z."
Don't lie. It's very unattractive.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:12 AM on July 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Don't lie. It's very unattractive.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:12 AM on July 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
if I should accept my situation and settle, or alternatively if I am doing things wrong
It's probably okay to round up to 5'10" but don't go further than that. You're just slightly taller than average, so your height should be just fine for reasonable women. Looking back at previous posts, your job, and however you found the niche industry and created a very profitable business, is probably interesting. You spend time on personal creative projects, which is interesting. A number of your previous posts mention boredom, a lack of feeling engaged in things. Bored people aren't so interesting.
Who is The kind of person I want to meet? Think about what kind of life you really want, what kind of relationship you really want. Start making your life the life you want. Move to London, rent a great flat on a short lease, say 6 months or so. See how you like it. Think about the things that might get you fired up; I am always attracted to people who are passionate about something in their lives.
Specifics: You are a business owner. If you need more detail, owner of a successful web-based business. You signify wealth by wearing expensive shoes - they don't have to be the sort of shoes you'd wear with a suit, just high quality, and maybe a bit trendy. Wear high quality clothing. Carry a nice mobile phone. Your nice flat with a nice address will also signify income.
A woman can't make your life interesting for you, or fix what sounds like a kind of existential ennui. A superficial woman will like your wealth, but that's not a relationship that will last or be generally satisfying. Get interested. Go to meetups, take classes, travel, get serious about your artistic pursuits, and your energy will be attractive.
You may want to post your profile here for specific responses & recommendations.
posted by theora55 at 9:31 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's probably okay to round up to 5'10" but don't go further than that. You're just slightly taller than average, so your height should be just fine for reasonable women. Looking back at previous posts, your job, and however you found the niche industry and created a very profitable business, is probably interesting. You spend time on personal creative projects, which is interesting. A number of your previous posts mention boredom, a lack of feeling engaged in things. Bored people aren't so interesting.
Who is The kind of person I want to meet? Think about what kind of life you really want, what kind of relationship you really want. Start making your life the life you want. Move to London, rent a great flat on a short lease, say 6 months or so. See how you like it. Think about the things that might get you fired up; I am always attracted to people who are passionate about something in their lives.
Specifics: You are a business owner. If you need more detail, owner of a successful web-based business. You signify wealth by wearing expensive shoes - they don't have to be the sort of shoes you'd wear with a suit, just high quality, and maybe a bit trendy. Wear high quality clothing. Carry a nice mobile phone. Your nice flat with a nice address will also signify income.
A woman can't make your life interesting for you, or fix what sounds like a kind of existential ennui. A superficial woman will like your wealth, but that's not a relationship that will last or be generally satisfying. Get interested. Go to meetups, take classes, travel, get serious about your artistic pursuits, and your energy will be attractive.
You may want to post your profile here for specific responses & recommendations.
posted by theora55 at 9:31 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't do this with a capital Don't Do This.
Focus on the things you're most proud of and downplay others, but don't outright lie. It does neither of you good if a woman who is looking for someone taller than her shows up to her date to find the significantly shorter you. And she'll know you'll have lied to her already, before even your first date. What good does that do?
You can call yourself a "business owner". That's accurate and doesn't have the connotation you describe "entrepreneur" having.
As for height, you are as tall as you are. 5'9''. People are slightly taller in the morning, so measure yourself then. That's as much leeway as you really should have. That's why I say I'm 6' tall instead of 5'11.5'' like I usually am most of the day, because that's the tallest I get. Other than that, no fudging.
So, bottom line, tell the truth and don't waste anyone's time.
posted by inturnaround at 9:42 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Focus on the things you're most proud of and downplay others, but don't outright lie. It does neither of you good if a woman who is looking for someone taller than her shows up to her date to find the significantly shorter you. And she'll know you'll have lied to her already, before even your first date. What good does that do?
You can call yourself a "business owner". That's accurate and doesn't have the connotation you describe "entrepreneur" having.
As for height, you are as tall as you are. 5'9''. People are slightly taller in the morning, so measure yourself then. That's as much leeway as you really should have. That's why I say I'm 6' tall instead of 5'11.5'' like I usually am most of the day, because that's the tallest I get. Other than that, no fudging.
So, bottom line, tell the truth and don't waste anyone's time.
posted by inturnaround at 9:42 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I kinda identify with your frustration about dating -- I look young and get hit on by guys 5-6 years younger than me in person. I'm opening to dating guys a little younger. When I mention my age, I'd say most men are okay with it or don't care. On dating sites, I list my age, and I get hit on by men easily 20 years older than me, (which is fine) but the younger guys don't want anything to do with an older woman anymore. I'm lucky to get interest from men one year younger.
I think the remedy to this kind of profile discrimination and the best way to open up your options more is to... not online date as much. Meet more people in social settings. Approach more, even if you think someone might not go for you. Be a little more fearless, take up more hobbies. Let you do the talking, not the list of criteria and photos be the thing people judge.
Unfortunately, people are just really judgmental online. It's easy to sit there and scrutinize a profile and a bunch of photos. And we all do it. And it's easy to input a bunch of criteria and immediately discard profiles that don't meet them, without thinking twice about it. It's just the nature of online dating, I'm afraid.
Anyway whatever you do, don't lie on your profile.
My ex was shorter than me (and we're both shorter than you!) and I thought he was lovely. I never understood the height thing, personally. I understand your frustrations with it. Yes your height narrows your options, but, do you really wanna meet someone who doesn't love you, for you, anyway? Do you want to meet someone that would exclude someone based on height? It doesn't bode well. When I was bigger I got rejected a LOT more, but tell you what, it was a great litmus test for losers. Now I'm thinner, I'm kinda finding it harder in a way, because people don't wear their ugly on their sleeve until it's too late. So you know, don't look at it as a hindrance.
As for the business thing, just call yourself an 'small business developer' or some such. Your job doesn't have to be interesting. Doesn't matter if it gives you a lot of free time.
Get really really interesting hobbies and interests. Just be interesting. I'm actually really lazy. I'm not going to lie; I kinda work to live, not live to work. I'm also not that ambitious. I don't care about status either. But I'm interesting because I love learning, and I'm a total nerd with geeky pursuits, and I get a lot of interest thanks to things like that. So cultivate your character.
Lastly, it's cliche but try being the person you yourself would want to date, and as you achieve it, put it on your profile. It should help you get more hits than misses, hopefully.
posted by Dimes at 10:28 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
I think the remedy to this kind of profile discrimination and the best way to open up your options more is to... not online date as much. Meet more people in social settings. Approach more, even if you think someone might not go for you. Be a little more fearless, take up more hobbies. Let you do the talking, not the list of criteria and photos be the thing people judge.
Unfortunately, people are just really judgmental online. It's easy to sit there and scrutinize a profile and a bunch of photos. And we all do it. And it's easy to input a bunch of criteria and immediately discard profiles that don't meet them, without thinking twice about it. It's just the nature of online dating, I'm afraid.
Anyway whatever you do, don't lie on your profile.
My ex was shorter than me (and we're both shorter than you!) and I thought he was lovely. I never understood the height thing, personally. I understand your frustrations with it. Yes your height narrows your options, but, do you really wanna meet someone who doesn't love you, for you, anyway? Do you want to meet someone that would exclude someone based on height? It doesn't bode well. When I was bigger I got rejected a LOT more, but tell you what, it was a great litmus test for losers. Now I'm thinner, I'm kinda finding it harder in a way, because people don't wear their ugly on their sleeve until it's too late. So you know, don't look at it as a hindrance.
As for the business thing, just call yourself an 'small business developer' or some such. Your job doesn't have to be interesting. Doesn't matter if it gives you a lot of free time.
Get really really interesting hobbies and interests. Just be interesting. I'm actually really lazy. I'm not going to lie; I kinda work to live, not live to work. I'm also not that ambitious. I don't care about status either. But I'm interesting because I love learning, and I'm a total nerd with geeky pursuits, and I get a lot of interest thanks to things like that. So cultivate your character.
Lastly, it's cliche but try being the person you yourself would want to date, and as you achieve it, put it on your profile. It should help you get more hits than misses, hopefully.
posted by Dimes at 10:28 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
Where are you looking on these online dating sites? Rome/Paris/London? Places where you don't live? If you're having low success it might be because the further you are away geographically from someone the more trouble it is to deal with them in a dating scenario (especially because there are a lot of people to date in your immediate surroundings in megacities like that). As for your friends, the height/title thing is a bit shallow, but they're dead-on right about proximity.
When you say more "attractive" profiles do you mean physically/conventionally attractive or attractive to you personally? Going by conventional looks on online dating sites leads to a lot of bad dates with people you have nothing in common with, I'd recommend trying to figure out what exactly you're looking for and searching for that as opposed to "is she hot", especially since nine times out of ten people don't really look like their online dating profile IRL.
posted by Ndwright at 10:30 AM on July 27, 2013
When you say more "attractive" profiles do you mean physically/conventionally attractive or attractive to you personally? Going by conventional looks on online dating sites leads to a lot of bad dates with people you have nothing in common with, I'd recommend trying to figure out what exactly you're looking for and searching for that as opposed to "is she hot", especially since nine times out of ten people don't really look like their online dating profile IRL.
posted by Ndwright at 10:30 AM on July 27, 2013
I seriously doubt your height is the reason you're not having more luck, especially given that you're 5'9"/5'10" rather than 5'0". From my own experience (as a 30s UK female who's used online dating sites, and with a lot of female friends who also have) your friends filtering for 5'11" or taller as their main criteria is kind of unusual; the women I know were either not that bothered about height, or had a 'must be at least as tall as me' rule. So yeah, it's a preference some women have, but it's definitely not universal.
I agree with all the people above who've said that dishonesty is really off-putting and unfair to the people you'd be lying to. Also, though, consider that coming off like you're insecure about something - height, occupation, renting rather than owning, whatever - is going to be off-putting both to people who do care about it and to people who don't. 5'9" isn't attractive to some women; 5'9" and wearing thick-soled shoes to hide it is unattractive to a whole lot more! Just like lying about what you do for a living makes it sound like you're ashamed of what you do. If you really feel like it's as dull as ditchwater and there's no way at all to have a conversation about it, then just state it as it is and move the conversation elsewhere - "I own a small internet business that does XYZ. How about you?" (I do think you're right that 'entrepreneur' can come across poorly as a field for your occupation, though - stick to 'small business owner' or something.)
Other things to consider: dating sites are more active in the big cities, and people in the big cities usually won't be looking too far outside their location, so if you're messaging women who live in London and you don't live in London you're unlikely to do well with replies. And different sites have different demographics, some of which might work better for the kind of person you're looking for. When I was last active a couple of years ago, OKCupid skewed younger and less serious; Plentyoffish and Match were equally huge and a bit more serious, but if you weren't very detailed with your profile you risked getting scrolled past because there were so many people on there; smaller more tailored sites like Guardian Soulmates were great for finding like-minded people, but tended to be a lot less popular outside the big cities.
posted by Catseye at 10:44 AM on July 27, 2013
I agree with all the people above who've said that dishonesty is really off-putting and unfair to the people you'd be lying to. Also, though, consider that coming off like you're insecure about something - height, occupation, renting rather than owning, whatever - is going to be off-putting both to people who do care about it and to people who don't. 5'9" isn't attractive to some women; 5'9" and wearing thick-soled shoes to hide it is unattractive to a whole lot more! Just like lying about what you do for a living makes it sound like you're ashamed of what you do. If you really feel like it's as dull as ditchwater and there's no way at all to have a conversation about it, then just state it as it is and move the conversation elsewhere - "I own a small internet business that does XYZ. How about you?" (I do think you're right that 'entrepreneur' can come across poorly as a field for your occupation, though - stick to 'small business owner' or something.)
Other things to consider: dating sites are more active in the big cities, and people in the big cities usually won't be looking too far outside their location, so if you're messaging women who live in London and you don't live in London you're unlikely to do well with replies. And different sites have different demographics, some of which might work better for the kind of person you're looking for. When I was last active a couple of years ago, OKCupid skewed younger and less serious; Plentyoffish and Match were equally huge and a bit more serious, but if you weren't very detailed with your profile you risked getting scrolled past because there were so many people on there; smaller more tailored sites like Guardian Soulmates were great for finding like-minded people, but tended to be a lot less popular outside the big cities.
posted by Catseye at 10:44 AM on July 27, 2013
For what it's worth, I don't think your friends sound like typical online daters. I date via OKCupid, and my search parameters focus on age, proximity, and match %. I don't care in the slightest about job titles, and while I like tall guys, I don't think being short is a dealbreaker.
What I do care about - i.e. what will convince me to meet up with a guy - is that he has an interesting, witty profile, and that he can write a great message. Looks are important, but a cute guy who messages me with 'hey, what's up?' or something equally generic (or whose match % demonstrates clear incompatibility) won't even score a response. If you focus on this stuff, rather than lying about things you can't realistically change, you'll stand to do MUCH better.
posted by littlegreen at 10:47 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
What I do care about - i.e. what will convince me to meet up with a guy - is that he has an interesting, witty profile, and that he can write a great message. Looks are important, but a cute guy who messages me with 'hey, what's up?' or something equally generic (or whose match % demonstrates clear incompatibility) won't even score a response. If you focus on this stuff, rather than lying about things you can't realistically change, you'll stand to do MUCH better.
posted by littlegreen at 10:47 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do. Not. Lie. Especially about something that will be evident before you even say hello to someone! That just makes you a liar and a dummy! No. No. No. For ALL THE REASONS.
Firstly, height was number one. Comes as little surprise really, but the minimum was 5'11.
If all the women you asked said 5'11" was their number one requirement then I'd respectfully suggest you increase your sample size.
I know people have individual preferences (and I can understand "must should be taller than x", where x = taller than me) but I'm 5'7" and I consider 5'11" pre-tty tall. Actually, if I eliminated all the men I've dated that are under 5'11" that would leave just two men -- and I'm almost 50, so that's a pretty long time in the pool.
In conclusion, A) Never, never lie on your dating profile and B) these lady friends may not be the best people to go to for dating advice.
Oh, and if I was a guy and knew this:
posted by Room 641-A at 11:01 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Firstly, height was number one. Comes as little surprise really, but the minimum was 5'11.
If all the women you asked said 5'11" was their number one requirement then I'd respectfully suggest you increase your sample size.
I know people have individual preferences (and I can understand "
In conclusion, A) Never, never lie on your dating profile and B) these lady friends may not be the best people to go to for dating advice.
Oh, and if I was a guy and knew this:
They might consider lower in exceptional circumstancesmy response would be, "Don't do me any favors."
posted by Room 641-A at 11:01 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
First and foremost, don't lie on your dating profile. Aside from it being disrespectful to your potential dates, you want a relationship with someone who likes you. If you weed out the people who will reject you for lame reasons like your height before they contact you, it saves everyone time and you'll have less dead-end dates.
And no disrespect to your female friends, but they have some odd preferences. Okay, proximity I agree with, because long-distance relationships are difficult. Job title, sort of; I'd bet most people are just looking for someone who's steadily employed and likely to remain that way, with preference for someone on a distinct career path, since that implies responsibility, planning, focus, and all sorts of other grown-up traits. But height? There are about a dozen other things most people consider before height, especially when online dating. Things like: Are they literate? Are they interesting? Do we share enough interests? Do they seem well-adjusted? Is there anything about their profile that seems creepy or "off"?
As for your job... honestly, someone with a business that brings in a good, steady amount of money and doesn't have to work all the time sounds like a real catch - if they seemed to be managing their money well, and they were doing enough in their free time to keep them interesting and fulfilled, and if their business seemed legit.* There's something odd about the way you describe your work; you're simultaneously boastful yet down on yourself, neither of which are attractive. Here's how you spin that: "I own my own business, and it provides me enough income to live comfortably and enough time to pursue creative projects. Right now I'm working on blahblah and it's really exciting!" If you feel boring or unambitious, well, you have a fucking enormous amount of free time to go be interesting. Go volunteer or train for a marathon or cultivate your garden or something. If the problem is that you just don't like your work or feel weird about it, it's okay to close up shop and find a full-time job.
*If your line of work is illegal or unethical - say, your profit comes from selling confused old ladies services that they don't need - that's not just a conversation killer, it's a dealbreaker. Especially since it's your business and you're obviously the one deciding to do this. And, as implied upthread, being cagey about the nature of your business will lead people to suspect that it's shady even if it isn't. You don't have to completely explain it in your profile, but don't dance around it when you're asked.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:21 AM on July 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
And no disrespect to your female friends, but they have some odd preferences. Okay, proximity I agree with, because long-distance relationships are difficult. Job title, sort of; I'd bet most people are just looking for someone who's steadily employed and likely to remain that way, with preference for someone on a distinct career path, since that implies responsibility, planning, focus, and all sorts of other grown-up traits. But height? There are about a dozen other things most people consider before height, especially when online dating. Things like: Are they literate? Are they interesting? Do we share enough interests? Do they seem well-adjusted? Is there anything about their profile that seems creepy or "off"?
As for your job... honestly, someone with a business that brings in a good, steady amount of money and doesn't have to work all the time sounds like a real catch - if they seemed to be managing their money well, and they were doing enough in their free time to keep them interesting and fulfilled, and if their business seemed legit.* There's something odd about the way you describe your work; you're simultaneously boastful yet down on yourself, neither of which are attractive. Here's how you spin that: "I own my own business, and it provides me enough income to live comfortably and enough time to pursue creative projects. Right now I'm working on blahblah and it's really exciting!" If you feel boring or unambitious, well, you have a fucking enormous amount of free time to go be interesting. Go volunteer or train for a marathon or cultivate your garden or something. If the problem is that you just don't like your work or feel weird about it, it's okay to close up shop and find a full-time job.
*If your line of work is illegal or unethical - say, your profit comes from selling confused old ladies services that they don't need - that's not just a conversation killer, it's a dealbreaker. Especially since it's your business and you're obviously the one deciding to do this. And, as implied upthread, being cagey about the nature of your business will lead people to suspect that it's shady even if it isn't. You don't have to completely explain it in your profile, but don't dance around it when you're asked.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:21 AM on July 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
I agree that you shouldn't lie about anything on your profile. (Do you really want a woman whose main criteria are being tall and financially secure? They sound like men's-mag stereotypes!)
So set up an honest profile, but make online dating less of a priority than trying to meet people in person. Like Dimes, I have the same thing going on with age, so I can understand your frustration. It's tempting to lie--but not a good idea. Your partner should be able to accept you for all you are.
posted by xenophile at 11:53 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
So set up an honest profile, but make online dating less of a priority than trying to meet people in person. Like Dimes, I have the same thing going on with age, so I can understand your frustration. It's tempting to lie--but not a good idea. Your partner should be able to accept you for all you are.
posted by xenophile at 11:53 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Nthing everything about not lying, finding a better (though still accurate) way of describing what you do and living where you want to live for your own interests and happiness. Also about your women friends perhaps not providing a very representative sample.
I'm going to step a little off topic here and make a couple of observations. You do know, don't you, that many many women are sadly focused first on wealth? Many men enjoy this, and if you are one, by all means highlight your wealth. If this is not the kind of woman you want to attract, play it humble in your profile and highlight the traits that would count in the kind of relationship you seek.
If you have so much time on your hands, you might consider meeting people the old-fashioned way. Start volunteering regularly, join a mentoring organization, an outdoor club, take a swing dance class, an art class, drop in to a whole mess of Meetups that interest you. Whatever. Get out and meet people, expand your interests and social circles and you will naturally meet a wider variety of the opposite sex.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 12:33 PM on July 27, 2013
I'm going to step a little off topic here and make a couple of observations. You do know, don't you, that many many women are sadly focused first on wealth? Many men enjoy this, and if you are one, by all means highlight your wealth. If this is not the kind of woman you want to attract, play it humble in your profile and highlight the traits that would count in the kind of relationship you seek.
If you have so much time on your hands, you might consider meeting people the old-fashioned way. Start volunteering regularly, join a mentoring organization, an outdoor club, take a swing dance class, an art class, drop in to a whole mess of Meetups that interest you. Whatever. Get out and meet people, expand your interests and social circles and you will naturally meet a wider variety of the opposite sex.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 12:33 PM on July 27, 2013
I'd totally date someone who was 5'9, that's plenty tall. I don't think I am the only woman in the world who feels this way.
Don't lie, it's not worth it. Give women who search for you a chance to find you.
If you worry about your job not being conventionally "interesting", it makes me wonder whether YOU find it interesting. If you do, and you can talk about it with enthusiasm, that is interesting in itself because people like people who are passionate about what they do. Or at least, I do. Even if it is something I would never dream of doing myself.
I think you really need to think hard about your values and the way you want to live, for yourself. It sounds like you do know who you are (and do like yourself), but think you need to project something different to attract this generic version of "all women" who all want the same in men. But you are not generic "all men", you are likely to be a very interesting, loveable individual - who might not be the average "guy every woman would like to date" (who wants average?) but certainly doesn't need to lie about who he is. Be honest about it and you're more likely to meet a good match for you.
posted by ipsative at 1:22 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't lie, it's not worth it. Give women who search for you a chance to find you.
If you worry about your job not being conventionally "interesting", it makes me wonder whether YOU find it interesting. If you do, and you can talk about it with enthusiasm, that is interesting in itself because people like people who are passionate about what they do. Or at least, I do. Even if it is something I would never dream of doing myself.
I think you really need to think hard about your values and the way you want to live, for yourself. It sounds like you do know who you are (and do like yourself), but think you need to project something different to attract this generic version of "all women" who all want the same in men. But you are not generic "all men", you are likely to be a very interesting, loveable individual - who might not be the average "guy every woman would like to date" (who wants average?) but certainly doesn't need to lie about who he is. Be honest about it and you're more likely to meet a good match for you.
posted by ipsative at 1:22 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
About the height thing, when more women realise the awesome fun of having more than one point of contact during some activities - damn. It's an advantage, your height. I don't know how you need to express this, but seriously, yep. (I'm a woman, by the way, and I have recently dated men who are my height and it was eye opening.)
posted by b33j at 2:19 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by b33j at 2:19 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, I'm not in your target market but I wish I was. Not because you're wealthy, but because you're interesting, and creative, and minimalist. I don't care about steady jobs, I care about people who are doing what they are passionate about it.
posted by b33j at 2:23 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by b33j at 2:23 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I kind of skimmed a few answers, determined that you only update to say "not porn." So I am assuming no one has asked "What are you looking for in a woman? And what are you looking for in a relationship?" You gave us a good bit info about you but not about what you are looking for.
A) I am not a fan of online dating (or any dating). I think it goes especially poorly for people far outside the normal dating pool. That includes you. I would encourage you to instead try to increase your luck surface area. You have plenty of time to engage in hobbies, do volunteer work, etc. You could do use that as a means to try to meet more women socially. You could also put out the word you are looking. You could let people know generally what you are looking for. You might find intros follow.
B) You kind of sound like you think your income is your biggest asset in terms of why someone might date you. Traditional dating strongly skews towards the man paying anyway ..etc. It is one of the reasons I am not a fan. But if it doesn't bother you to throw money at the problem, maybe you should try a site that specifically tries to match up well off men with women who want to marry up as their primary criteria.
C) I would not move to a city just to get a date. If you do get a date from that, is it really the kind of lady you want? I kind of doubt it. I have no idea why you think a large city is the place that a lady of interest would be, but I think you need to seriously rethink that theory. If you move, move to be someplace you desire to live.
D) I knew a guy similar to your height who bitched endlesly that he couldn't get a date because of his height. I am 5'8". I was initially very attracted to him. But he droned on and on and on (to me at times) about The Imporance Of Petiteness in a Lady, made me feel like I might as well have my vagina removed for being insufficiently petite, etc. I eventually concluded that he was an asshole who deserved to be alone and also that men like him is part of why women want tall men only. I don't need some jerk making me feel unfeminine and unattractive for being "too tall for a girl." My ex is shorter than me. He never once did that. So since this is a sore point for you, you might take a look in the mirror and check if maybe your height isn't the real problem.
posted by Michele in California at 3:07 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
A) I am not a fan of online dating (or any dating). I think it goes especially poorly for people far outside the normal dating pool. That includes you. I would encourage you to instead try to increase your luck surface area. You have plenty of time to engage in hobbies, do volunteer work, etc. You could do use that as a means to try to meet more women socially. You could also put out the word you are looking. You could let people know generally what you are looking for. You might find intros follow.
B) You kind of sound like you think your income is your biggest asset in terms of why someone might date you. Traditional dating strongly skews towards the man paying anyway ..etc. It is one of the reasons I am not a fan. But if it doesn't bother you to throw money at the problem, maybe you should try a site that specifically tries to match up well off men with women who want to marry up as their primary criteria.
C) I would not move to a city just to get a date. If you do get a date from that, is it really the kind of lady you want? I kind of doubt it. I have no idea why you think a large city is the place that a lady of interest would be, but I think you need to seriously rethink that theory. If you move, move to be someplace you desire to live.
D) I knew a guy similar to your height who bitched endlesly that he couldn't get a date because of his height. I am 5'8". I was initially very attracted to him. But he droned on and on and on (to me at times) about The Imporance Of Petiteness in a Lady, made me feel like I might as well have my vagina removed for being insufficiently petite, etc. I eventually concluded that he was an asshole who deserved to be alone and also that men like him is part of why women want tall men only. I don't need some jerk making me feel unfeminine and unattractive for being "too tall for a girl." My ex is shorter than me. He never once did that. So since this is a sore point for you, you might take a look in the mirror and check if maybe your height isn't the real problem.
posted by Michele in California at 3:07 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't lie about anything, it's pointless, you'll meet soon enough and you'll have broken trust over something basic and unchangeable.
Don't focus on your job, it's unimportant really. You're "Financially Secure" if you want to brag, but you don't even need to say that.
Post lots of pictures of yourself so ladies can get an idea of what you look like. Chances are you fall in that category of "Perfectly nice looking." That's enough.
Instead of telling people about yourself, just talk about what you think is interesting. What do you like to do in your leisure time? What are your political leanings? What's important to you? Don't talk about sunsets, beach walks or gentle rain. Talk about your love of bridge, living outside a large, world city, your collection of silver cow creamers, whatever lights your fire in your life.
Describe how you see yourself as a mate/boyfriend/partner. What will you do day to day? How do you want to live? What is missing in your life because you're not in a relationship.
Ask for exactly what you want in a partner. Do you have a body type you particularly like? Voluptuous, thin, athletic, etc. Say something like, "Looking for a BUILD woman, who enjoys canoeing and needlepoint." If you just like women and body type isn't really a thing with you, (as Husbunny does) simply say, "Looking for a woman who enjoys canoeing and needlepoint."
Sit down and really thing about it. What kind of person will make a good partner for you?
Now, you are so lucky! You can tell the world, "I'm flexible to travel, so your location is not important, what's important is that you are the right person for me."
I really recommend this great book with a cheesy title: How To Marry The Man of Your Choice. Not because you need to know how men think (being a dude, I think you've got that one down) but for the idea of how to really get to know someone at a deep level. What's the big important stuff, what's an absolute deal breaker.
Hang in there, there's someone out there for you. Concentrate on the important stuff, NOT the bullshit of looks and jobs.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:09 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't focus on your job, it's unimportant really. You're "Financially Secure" if you want to brag, but you don't even need to say that.
Post lots of pictures of yourself so ladies can get an idea of what you look like. Chances are you fall in that category of "Perfectly nice looking." That's enough.
Instead of telling people about yourself, just talk about what you think is interesting. What do you like to do in your leisure time? What are your political leanings? What's important to you? Don't talk about sunsets, beach walks or gentle rain. Talk about your love of bridge, living outside a large, world city, your collection of silver cow creamers, whatever lights your fire in your life.
Describe how you see yourself as a mate/boyfriend/partner. What will you do day to day? How do you want to live? What is missing in your life because you're not in a relationship.
Ask for exactly what you want in a partner. Do you have a body type you particularly like? Voluptuous, thin, athletic, etc. Say something like, "Looking for a BUILD woman, who enjoys canoeing and needlepoint." If you just like women and body type isn't really a thing with you, (as Husbunny does) simply say, "Looking for a woman who enjoys canoeing and needlepoint."
Sit down and really thing about it. What kind of person will make a good partner for you?
Now, you are so lucky! You can tell the world, "I'm flexible to travel, so your location is not important, what's important is that you are the right person for me."
I really recommend this great book with a cheesy title: How To Marry The Man of Your Choice. Not because you need to know how men think (being a dude, I think you've got that one down) but for the idea of how to really get to know someone at a deep level. What's the big important stuff, what's an absolute deal breaker.
Hang in there, there's someone out there for you. Concentrate on the important stuff, NOT the bullshit of looks and jobs.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:09 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you lie about your height, A) you're obviously going to get caught in the lie and B) what about the tall menz/womenz that want someone they can kiss without lugging around stepstools on dates? Or what about the shorties who are tired of slugging around ladders?
Also "could I make something up? Is that lying?" Let's be real.
Finally, you don't need a house or a boat to go on a date.
posted by oceanjesse at 3:11 PM on July 27, 2013
Also "could I make something up? Is that lying?" Let's be real.
Finally, you don't need a house or a boat to go on a date.
posted by oceanjesse at 3:11 PM on July 27, 2013
Also, this isn't even important really, but I should point out that 5'9" is like the most average height ever. So hey, that should meet the criteria for 50% of the universe, right?
posted by oceanjesse at 3:14 PM on July 27, 2013
posted by oceanjesse at 3:14 PM on July 27, 2013
One more thought about the height issue: One of the coolest, smartest, funniest guys I've ever known is 5'7". If you asked him how tall he you would get some snarling variation of "I'm Iggy's height." Think about that. Your female friends would miss out on IGGY POP.
On preview: That's two in a row for 5'9" being plenty tall for many, many women.
posted by Room 641-A at 3:24 PM on July 27, 2013
On preview: That's two in a row for 5'9" being plenty tall for many, many women.
posted by Room 641-A at 3:24 PM on July 27, 2013
I'm a tall woman (5' 9-1/2") and over the years my SO's have ranged in height from 5' 7" to 6' 4", though most of them have been within an inch of my height in either direction. My partner (we've been together 8 years) is about an inch shorter than me.
The point is, there are plenty of women for whom 5' 9" is plenty tall -- even those of us who are taller than 5' 9" ourselves.
posted by scody at 4:33 PM on July 27, 2013
The point is, there are plenty of women for whom 5' 9" is plenty tall -- even those of us who are taller than 5' 9" ourselves.
posted by scody at 4:33 PM on July 27, 2013
Consider what you are looking for. You don't give a lot of information on what you regard attractive in a profile.
There is a correlation among the people I know regarding amount of time spent on their appearance, and the amount they care about someone's height and job title.
A large portion of the people I know do not care about someone's height at all, but would be majorly annoyed at a lie. Of the people I know who do care about height, a lie doesn't make them care less.
And in online dating for a guy, a lot of non-responsive profiles is normal. Like, I've heard 1/10 is a decent response rate - there's a blog post on oktrends about how it varies with physical attractiveness.
posted by Ashlyth at 2:22 AM on July 28, 2013
There is a correlation among the people I know regarding amount of time spent on their appearance, and the amount they care about someone's height and job title.
A large portion of the people I know do not care about someone's height at all, but would be majorly annoyed at a lie. Of the people I know who do care about height, a lie doesn't make them care less.
And in online dating for a guy, a lot of non-responsive profiles is normal. Like, I've heard 1/10 is a decent response rate - there's a blog post on oktrends about how it varies with physical attractiveness.
posted by Ashlyth at 2:22 AM on July 28, 2013
Other things to consider: dating sites are more active in the big cities, and people in the big cities usually won't be looking too far outside their location, so if you're messaging women who live in London and you don't live in London you're unlikely to do well with replies.
Most people want to date people who they can actually go on dates with without it being a huge hassle. Proximity is definitely an issue and when men across the country or world message me I generally don't reply. The only times I have is when they're really interesting or seem to have a common interest/hobby they want to talk about. When it comes to dating I limit my responses to people in a 7-10 mile radius in my big city because many of us city dwellers don't have cars.
If you like living in a rural area I don't see the point of looking for a woman living in a city because you ultimately won't be compatible. Live and date where your lifestyle is. My advice is to message women who are interested in wherever they are, but if you're not at least in a suburb of their big city don't get your hopes up. If you're truly traveling around you can write about that in your profile which may increase responses. Finally, if your profile shows that you're an interesting person doing interesting things women may be more open to going a distance for a date.
posted by Bunglegirl at 9:06 AM on July 28, 2013
Most people want to date people who they can actually go on dates with without it being a huge hassle. Proximity is definitely an issue and when men across the country or world message me I generally don't reply. The only times I have is when they're really interesting or seem to have a common interest/hobby they want to talk about. When it comes to dating I limit my responses to people in a 7-10 mile radius in my big city because many of us city dwellers don't have cars.
If you like living in a rural area I don't see the point of looking for a woman living in a city because you ultimately won't be compatible. Live and date where your lifestyle is. My advice is to message women who are interested in wherever they are, but if you're not at least in a suburb of their big city don't get your hopes up. If you're truly traveling around you can write about that in your profile which may increase responses. Finally, if your profile shows that you're an interesting person doing interesting things women may be more open to going a distance for a date.
posted by Bunglegirl at 9:06 AM on July 28, 2013
Ugh, I argue about the height expectation with my girlfriends all the time. Yes, the majority of women I know want a guy over 6 feet. If you lied about your height you might get a date with one of my friends, but they would be pissed off when they meet you.
Me, I'm 5' 5" and all my boyfriends have been around 5' 9". They aren't short to me.
I seriously don't filter by height when I'm online. I look for kind eyes, understated fashion sense, and a witty profile.
Your job sounds boring? Make a joke about it! Just make sure its a good one.
posted by hellameangirl at 10:35 AM on July 29, 2013
Me, I'm 5' 5" and all my boyfriends have been around 5' 9". They aren't short to me.
I seriously don't filter by height when I'm online. I look for kind eyes, understated fashion sense, and a witty profile.
Your job sounds boring? Make a joke about it! Just make sure its a good one.
posted by hellameangirl at 10:35 AM on July 29, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Re job title. Can you come up with something that describes what you do better than "entrepreneur"? I think the reason people don't like it is that it sounds generic and doesn't really mean anything. Also, one problem could be that people see you as "bumming around" and not being serious about any one thing. Could you work to be more passionate about something that you do, even if it's not the thing that pays your bills? Or if you already are, could you work on "talking the talk", so to speak? When someone asks what you do, you're a novelist, or an actor, or a guitarist, or whatever it is that you really spend your time doing.
Re location. Where do you live now? If you live in a small town where the dating pool is small, and you're otherwise not that excited about it as a place, sure, move to somewhere you'd be happier and more likely to meet people. If you'd only be moving because "the type of woman you'd like to attract" theoretically is Parisian or something, that's silly. Work on meeting women where you are.
Another question. With online dating, where does your problem lie? Is it getting responses to messages? Then I would concentrate on making a better profile and being better at the initial contact phase. Is it getting second dates? Then I would think either about the types of women you're approaching or how you're coming off on dates.
Stuff like height/job title/proximity is only really a factor in that initial contact period where it's two people looking at each other's profiles. While tweaking your profile can help, all the pretty words in the world aren't going to change things if what you're really having trouble with are dates.
posted by Sara C. at 8:04 AM on July 27, 2013 [6 favorites]