Crush Limbo
July 23, 2013 7:04 AM   Subscribe

Last week I hooked up and fell for a woman on a trip. She's moving to a nearby city in December (she lives very far away now). I've been thinking of moving there for unrelated reasons. I recognize, in the abstract, that I don't know her well enough to know if we're particularly compatible. How do I not drive myself nuts ruminating about her, as I am now?

Last week I (24/m) went on a trip with members of a large activist group with groups in many cities. It was heady stuff, being surrounded by so many like-minded people, talking about our worldview and activities. Despite all the proceedings I fell pretty hard for one woman (22/f), with whom I share some mutual friends through our common activism. Had we not met here we would have interacted eventually, as she's joining a project I'm working on.

We ended up sleeping together, spending what little free time we had making out, drinking, and chatting. It was fucking great.

I've been happily single for a few years after a particularly disastrous relationship that was, for a period long distance. I'm not at all interested in that.

I don't develop crushes easily. Things worked very easily between us, and I admire what I know of her activism and role in the community. I felt at home with her almost immediately.

We've been texting back and forth sporadically since. I mentioned I'd been considering moving to the same city she'll be moving to in December (this is true, but I hadn't felt any urgency), and she's been nudged me in that direction a bit since, with flimsy or movement-related justifications.

So how, knowing so little and hovering between hope and cynicism, do I stay sane about the possibilities here? I'm unsure about how much contact I want to have with her in this interim period. In my (long, painful) experience textual communication is almost worse than nothing. If I don't reciprocate contact, I'll be in the dark - possibly event more frustrating and rumination-inducing - for the next few months.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total)
You know what? Enjoy it. A good crush is something that doesn't come along every day, and as long as you're not obsessing to the point of it getting in the way of everything else, it's something that you can distract yourself with in a pleasant way.

Crushes are fun. Focus on the fun of it.
posted by xingcat at 7:09 AM on July 23, 2013 [8 favorites]

Sounds awesome! Can a weekend together be planned to see how things go outside if the activism? I say enjoy while you can.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 7:32 AM on July 23, 2013

When I'm crushing, I have a ton of energy and I feel practically invincible. It's a great time to power through anything I've been procrastinating on or lacking motivation for. You also have the benefit of not having your crush nearby to distract you with her presence so just think how much you can accomplish as you ride the crest of this wave!

You sound like you've got your head screwed on straight. I think that you already have the ability to fully experience your emotions without believing that they are predictors of the future so I say let 'er rip! Enjoy the sensations of the crush, reap the benefits, and let the chips fall as they may.
posted by janey47 at 7:47 AM on July 23, 2013

textual communication is almost worse than nothing

Dude, have you broken your romance bone? You have all this time to get to know each other before meeting again, with the bonus of those great memories of your first time times together. Write letters! Share music recommendations! Send photos of cool stuff you did! Hell, send her chocolates if it feels right.

It doesn't matter if you guys don't end up being a long-term thing. As others have said above, crushes are a lot of fun, and this kind, where physical liaisons are limited and you already know you have a fair bit in common, looks like a safe bet for a really nice time. It's an opportunity not a challenge... make the most of it :)
posted by greenish at 8:05 AM on July 23, 2013 [8 favorites]

From now until December doesn't sound like too long to have a casual long-distance relationship. I'd caution about getting too caught up in being exclusive or making plans to move in together or anything until she's in the nearby city and you can spend more time together.

But yeah, enjoy it now and see if you can squeeze in a few visits between now and December!
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:07 AM on July 23, 2013

If I don't reciprocate contact, I'll be in the dark - possibly event more frustrating and rumination-inducing

You have answered your own question. When there's no actual communication, that's when the mind and the imagination take over with the crazy-making. The only thing I would suggest is: keep it on a still-getting-to-know-you level as much as you can; if you guys immediately launch into a long-distance-romance style of communication, before you really know each other better, that may do you a disservice. In other words, just try to go slow! The distance should help with that, and could turn out to be a good thing when all is said and done.
posted by fikri at 8:26 AM on July 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

Talk and email each other, really get to know her. If you decide now is as good as later for the move, move. You never know.

Husbunny and I were Long Distance for about 8 months before he moved to be with me. It worked out great!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:55 AM on July 23, 2013

I recognize, in the abstract, that I don't know her well enough to know if we're particularly compatible.

Keep this firmly in mind. You aren't in a long-distance relationship with this woman, you're crushing over her from a distance post-hook-up. The only way you'll figure out if you'd like to date her eventually is to keep talking to her, and even if you decide that you don't, you can still be friendly. You can also escalate this past text while still keeping it on a casual, "getting to know you" level.
posted by sm1tten at 12:44 PM on July 23, 2013

Been with my hooked-up-on-an-activist-meetup-trip-who-lived-far-away for eighteen years now. Write her a letter, tell her you enjoyed her company.
posted by Iteki at 12:57 PM on July 23, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm only on three years, but that's how I met my guy (sports, not activism). We kept in touch via email and IM. He somewhat jokingly suggested I come visit and I said, "Actually, I kind of want to." Then I moved to Europe, we started skyping, he came to visit, I didn't have a plan for after my job ended, so he said I should move to his town. That was two years ago and yay happiness! So just keep in touch and if she suggests a visit, go for it.
posted by carolr at 4:18 PM on July 23, 2013

Met on vacation, moved to his hometown 6 months later when the moving opportunity *naturally* happened. Been together for 12 years. I say go with the flow and see how things develop. It could be great. It could fall apart. That's what life's about, right?
posted by Ardea alba at 1:03 PM on July 25, 2013

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