How to choose a couples counsellor?

July 17, 2013 9:53 AM

We're seeking couples counseling. We're in London, so there seem thousands of options; how do we pick out the right person for us? I don't think there's anything super-remarkable about our situation, so we don't need a expert in something super-specialised, but it seems like lots of listings are for general-therapists rather than specialists on couples - is this a problem? If so, how do I find the latter kind? If anyone knew someone in London who they'd had good experiences with, that would be super helpful too!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (6 answers total)

If either of you have a therapist that you have seen, or are seeing, and trust, you could ask that person for a referral. Also, at least in the US, most therapists who do conjoint or group counseling will specify that in their c.v. You don't need someone who *only* does conjoint counseling, so what you're looking for isn't necessarily a "specialist" in it, just someone who works in that arena in addition to others.
posted by janey47 at 10:17 AM on July 17, 2013

Having spoken to several therapists about this, it's really important to get someone who is experienced with couples' therapy in particular. It's apparently exponentially more difficult for a therapist to mediate between two clients at once. You really want someone who knows what they're doing.

Also, being aware that not every session is going to be awesome, if there's seems to be a pattern developing where the therapist is taking one or the other party's concerns more seriously, or if there's an imbalance in the level of engagement, then it should be agreed upon ahead of time that it's kosher to bail and find a new therapist. Depending on the rapport you develop with your therapist, it might be possible to address that kind of imbalance openly when it crops up. But, in my experience anyway, not every therapist is equipped to negotiate that kind of criticism from clients effectively.

Once you get some referrals, you might also look around to see if the therapist has written any books, blog posts, or editorials. You can learn a lot about their approach from reading up on them ahead of time. And it'll make your initial conversation much more effective.

Good luck. My wife and I sought a couples' therapist in the aftermath of our child's birth. It sucked, frankly. It was super expensive and really uncomfortable. But it worked. I hope you have a similar experience.
posted by R. Schlock at 10:18 AM on July 17, 2013

Can you get a mod to clarify where in London you're looking?
posted by catch as catch can at 10:19 AM on July 17, 2013

Relate (Relate.org.uk) is a charity that provides couples counseling. They have been a great help to several of my friends and to me. They have a couple of offices in London, are affordable, and have a high standard.
posted by parmanparman at 2:04 PM on July 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm a couples counsellor working in London. I would recommend Relate highly. They are a charity so can sometimes offer a sliding scale and have good vetting policies on their therapists. You absolutely should be seeing someone with a specific qualification to work with couples. It's a different skill to individual therapy. Some offices do have waiting lists though so I recommend getting in touch with them asap. Happy to memail if you have any questions on the specifics.
posted by Dorothia at 2:56 PM on July 17, 2013

nthing Relate. You'll get to have an initial appointment with them where they assess what your needs are and then they'll put you on a waiting list. If you find that a particular counsellor isn't the one for you, that's fine; they'll try to fit you in with someone else (though of course that depends on availability).

Prices are on a sliding scale, but assuming no restriction on your means it's a £50-in-advance charge (so you pay a week ahead of your appointments; you don't pay at your last appointment). Typically they'll see you for 6 weeks, but that can be extended or reduced as necessary.

Hope you find the help you need.
posted by six sided sock at 7:59 AM on July 18, 2013