My weird thoughts: are they realistic or naive?
July 12, 2013 11:20 PM Subscribe
I have some weird thoughts re: relationships that are not good, but there are reasons for them. Should/ How do I change how I think? (Therapy is being arranged, and I want more POVs.)
So... in my history of AskMe questions, there is a pattern of viewing relationships weirdly/ unfairly. The question made me ask what I've been suspecting: the problem is myself. I feel unable to be in a relationship even though it is something I eventually would want. Since I'm thinking about "relationships" mostly hypothetically, this is a bit.. silly. But I don't want to date or be with someone I don't care about just to learn about relationships either.
Problems/ weird thoughts I've identified:
1) I'm very comfortable being by myself and not turning to others (esp. a guy) for comfort. I'm becoming an adult now and I don't have the expectation of someone taking care of me in the future.. in fact, I believe this so strongly that sometimes I fantasize about raising a kid by myself. But I know this is compensating for the fact that my parents make me feel like a burden, and they always implied that I am incapable/weak/naive about life.
2) Related to this previous question. I know I can handle a lot of things... and I feel privileged in a lot of ways, even if those privileges may also hurt me. Yet, I feel a good guy (reliable, strong, kind, respectful and respectable) should be with someone who "needs" them more? Like I do not need them.. and it would be somehow be a waste of his resources if he was with me. This is SO counter-intuitive but somehow I really believe that!!!!! Or sometimes I think there are so many great women out there that are more suitable for someone I like. Someone more normal/healthy and less of a burden the way I am.
3) I have little faith in commitment and healthy marriages. I know everyone's life is different, but a lot of the adults I know are dissatisfied with their relationships/life. What I'm scared of more than even separation is being in an unhappy marriage where there is no respect or two people flat out hate each other. I also fear separation/loss but somehow I know I'll be able to handle that. I also really believe in freedom and don't want to make someone I like feel tied to me, if he doesn't want to be. Basically, if I actually like someone, I would not want them to experience the relationships/marriages I know with me.
In some ways.. I think my views are quite realistic. But they don't really serve me well, at least not always. Sometimes I think I have a good life and want to share it with someone. In fact I do like sharing.. but I am not used to taking a lot from others and being in a needy position.
I guess I would make a great boyfriend, ha ha. So could you help me evaluate these thoughts and tell me whether they are realistic, naive, and how I should change thinking like that?
So... in my history of AskMe questions, there is a pattern of viewing relationships weirdly/ unfairly. The question made me ask what I've been suspecting: the problem is myself. I feel unable to be in a relationship even though it is something I eventually would want. Since I'm thinking about "relationships" mostly hypothetically, this is a bit.. silly. But I don't want to date or be with someone I don't care about just to learn about relationships either.
Problems/ weird thoughts I've identified:
1) I'm very comfortable being by myself and not turning to others (esp. a guy) for comfort. I'm becoming an adult now and I don't have the expectation of someone taking care of me in the future.. in fact, I believe this so strongly that sometimes I fantasize about raising a kid by myself. But I know this is compensating for the fact that my parents make me feel like a burden, and they always implied that I am incapable/weak/naive about life.
2) Related to this previous question. I know I can handle a lot of things... and I feel privileged in a lot of ways, even if those privileges may also hurt me. Yet, I feel a good guy (reliable, strong, kind, respectful and respectable) should be with someone who "needs" them more? Like I do not need them.. and it would be somehow be a waste of his resources if he was with me. This is SO counter-intuitive but somehow I really believe that!!!!! Or sometimes I think there are so many great women out there that are more suitable for someone I like. Someone more normal/healthy and less of a burden the way I am.
3) I have little faith in commitment and healthy marriages. I know everyone's life is different, but a lot of the adults I know are dissatisfied with their relationships/life. What I'm scared of more than even separation is being in an unhappy marriage where there is no respect or two people flat out hate each other. I also fear separation/loss but somehow I know I'll be able to handle that. I also really believe in freedom and don't want to make someone I like feel tied to me, if he doesn't want to be. Basically, if I actually like someone, I would not want them to experience the relationships/marriages I know with me.
In some ways.. I think my views are quite realistic. But they don't really serve me well, at least not always. Sometimes I think I have a good life and want to share it with someone. In fact I do like sharing.. but I am not used to taking a lot from others and being in a needy position.
I guess I would make a great boyfriend, ha ha. So could you help me evaluate these thoughts and tell me whether they are realistic, naive, and how I should change thinking like that?
#1: FWIW I felt this way through my 20s. In hindsight I think I was afraid of feeling like I needed anyone at all. As if it would take away some of my power as an individual. I also imagined it would be that way if I had a kid (this passed; I really didn't want kids at all). I also was convinced I'd die young (I didn't).
To feel grounded and completely at peace when flying solo is a good place to be. That is the place we should all strive for before we pair up. So if you are there, congratulations. Enjoy being single.
#2: So you think you have nothing to offer? Came here to make this particular point: the best relationships are complementary; each individual naturally steps up where the other falls short. Can be related to really big and significant things, or really small and sometimes silly things. When one person melts down, the other steps in and handles things, and vice versa. Maybe it's a mate who keeps you sane by "managing" your extended family, or maybe it's something as simple as smushing all the spiders because your partner hyperventilates at the sight of them. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Balance is something to strive for. It's the whole cheesy "you complete me" concept, the feeling that another person could influence you in such a way that you feel like an even better person for it. It requires maturity, trust and a measure of surrender, and it can feel scary.
#3: Not unusual. I see more unhappy and/or unhealthy relationships around me than happy and healthy. You'll find that you develop mentors in relationshipland, those couples who represent what you imagine to be the perfect relationship. At times, even those end. And it really sucks and threatens whatever faith you have that things can work. It's part of life and learning.
(Had to laugh at your boyfriend comment. Again FWIW I've often felt like the guy in the relationship, probably because my "type" seems to be the sensitive new-age Renaissance guy!)
I say don't sweat it. You are young? Enjoy your life, get what you need from therapy, focus on building your self worth, identifying and valuing your gifts. With these things will come answers. All the best.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 2:19 AM on July 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
To feel grounded and completely at peace when flying solo is a good place to be. That is the place we should all strive for before we pair up. So if you are there, congratulations. Enjoy being single.
#2: So you think you have nothing to offer? Came here to make this particular point: the best relationships are complementary; each individual naturally steps up where the other falls short. Can be related to really big and significant things, or really small and sometimes silly things. When one person melts down, the other steps in and handles things, and vice versa. Maybe it's a mate who keeps you sane by "managing" your extended family, or maybe it's something as simple as smushing all the spiders because your partner hyperventilates at the sight of them. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Balance is something to strive for. It's the whole cheesy "you complete me" concept, the feeling that another person could influence you in such a way that you feel like an even better person for it. It requires maturity, trust and a measure of surrender, and it can feel scary.
#3: Not unusual. I see more unhappy and/or unhealthy relationships around me than happy and healthy. You'll find that you develop mentors in relationshipland, those couples who represent what you imagine to be the perfect relationship. At times, even those end. And it really sucks and threatens whatever faith you have that things can work. It's part of life and learning.
(Had to laugh at your boyfriend comment. Again FWIW I've often felt like the guy in the relationship, probably because my "type" seems to be the sensitive new-age Renaissance guy!)
I say don't sweat it. You are young? Enjoy your life, get what you need from therapy, focus on building your self worth, identifying and valuing your gifts. With these things will come answers. All the best.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 2:19 AM on July 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
Hm. I'm not sure I'd call them "naive," really, but some of your ideas certainly seem sort of unnaturally fixed on an unrealistic idea of parity, wherein a person and their love and affection is a quantity that could be somehow fairly distributed to the most deserving or the most needy... but people aren't K-Rations and love can't be meted out in measuring cups.
If you decide that you won't pursue a relationship with a (for now, hypothetical) reliable, strong, kind, respectful and respectable person who has feelings for you, it doesn't mean that they will then develop an attachment with someone more needy or somehow "more deserving". It's far more likely that they will go on to have a relationship with someone very similar to you, with a similar sense of self-sufficiency, and similar personality traits. A person is not a sandwich, and you can't give them away to a hungrier person.
If you decide to date guys you aren't attracted to as some odd form of charity (as per your earlier post), it just means that you are spending time with people you don't enjoy spending time with. It's not going to "even up" their resources with the more mature, interesting people you are actually attracted to. You can't give them that; they will earn it their own way by growing in experience and intellect... or not. You can't be the Lady Bountiful of romantic love, because it's not something that can be transferred or assigned... and, just in case the idea is lurking in the back of your head, no one can earn karma points by sacrificing themselves so that they might later be rewarded for that with a secure, healthy, mutually loving relationship.
You learn what and who you need to be happy and how to handle the ups and downs that come with that by engaging with those who delight you. Sometimes those feelings won't won't be returned, sometimes they will; sometimes the feelings won't last, and sometimes they will... and you just keep loving and learning, and that's how it works for us all – no way to parcel these things out so that you can be sure to finally get a fair share once everyone else has been seen to.
This would all be great stuff to discuss with your therapist, because I do get the feeling that some of these persistent ideas about equity might be rather intrusive, and I believe that this sort of problem is not so very uncommon, and is something that can definitely be addressed and treated. I wish you good luck, and good love! :)
posted by taz at 5:33 AM on July 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
If you decide that you won't pursue a relationship with a (for now, hypothetical) reliable, strong, kind, respectful and respectable person who has feelings for you, it doesn't mean that they will then develop an attachment with someone more needy or somehow "more deserving". It's far more likely that they will go on to have a relationship with someone very similar to you, with a similar sense of self-sufficiency, and similar personality traits. A person is not a sandwich, and you can't give them away to a hungrier person.
If you decide to date guys you aren't attracted to as some odd form of charity (as per your earlier post), it just means that you are spending time with people you don't enjoy spending time with. It's not going to "even up" their resources with the more mature, interesting people you are actually attracted to. You can't give them that; they will earn it their own way by growing in experience and intellect... or not. You can't be the Lady Bountiful of romantic love, because it's not something that can be transferred or assigned... and, just in case the idea is lurking in the back of your head, no one can earn karma points by sacrificing themselves so that they might later be rewarded for that with a secure, healthy, mutually loving relationship.
You learn what and who you need to be happy and how to handle the ups and downs that come with that by engaging with those who delight you. Sometimes those feelings won't won't be returned, sometimes they will; sometimes the feelings won't last, and sometimes they will... and you just keep loving and learning, and that's how it works for us all – no way to parcel these things out so that you can be sure to finally get a fair share once everyone else has been seen to.
This would all be great stuff to discuss with your therapist, because I do get the feeling that some of these persistent ideas about equity might be rather intrusive, and I believe that this sort of problem is not so very uncommon, and is something that can definitely be addressed and treated. I wish you good luck, and good love! :)
posted by taz at 5:33 AM on July 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
It's ok to be a burden some of the time. It's ok to be needy some of the time. It's ok to have your lover need you some of the time. Relationships are about balance. Sounds like you didn't get taught that.
You say you are afraid of being in an unhappy marriage and you say you can handle leaving one too. You worry your lover will stay with you even if they are unhappy. Maybe you will say to them "you seem unhappy, let's work together on that." Maybe reading more about what makes marriages work will help you.
Mostly I'm struck by your insistence that you are capable and strong and this competing sense that if a relationship is going badly there is nothing you can do, and no alternatives except to be solitary.
I think you will really like therapy, you sound very introspective.
posted by SyraCarol at 5:42 AM on July 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
You say you are afraid of being in an unhappy marriage and you say you can handle leaving one too. You worry your lover will stay with you even if they are unhappy. Maybe you will say to them "you seem unhappy, let's work together on that." Maybe reading more about what makes marriages work will help you.
Mostly I'm struck by your insistence that you are capable and strong and this competing sense that if a relationship is going badly there is nothing you can do, and no alternatives except to be solitary.
I think you will really like therapy, you sound very introspective.
posted by SyraCarol at 5:42 AM on July 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
The thing is, being in a relationship isn't about what you each need, not primarily, it's about the fact that you really enjoy being with each other and you are better together than you would be each separately. (The whole being more than the sum of its parts.)
I am very independent and strong, but I love being married to Husbunny because he adds to MY life. (He says I add to his life too.) I'm happy from a purely selfish viewpoint. So's he.
There's no reason in the world why you can't love and be loved purely for the fun in it. If you approach it that way, then the rest is baggage, and you can always stow that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:56 AM on July 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
I am very independent and strong, but I love being married to Husbunny because he adds to MY life. (He says I add to his life too.) I'm happy from a purely selfish viewpoint. So's he.
There's no reason in the world why you can't love and be loved purely for the fun in it. If you approach it that way, then the rest is baggage, and you can always stow that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:56 AM on July 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
1) it is not your place to decide whether or not you are suitable for a relationship with someone else. That is their decision to make, not yours. Assuming your potential relationship partners are competent adults, it's demeaning of you to presume that you have the ability to decide whether or not you meet someone else's criteria; and they are not obligated to have the same criteria as you, and it is not your place to decide how they should use their resources.
2) seeking out a relationship because you need it and you need the resources that the other person has available is ass-backwards, unhealthy, and the reason that so many of those unhappy relationships are unhappy. People spend years trying to unlearn the expectation that they should seek out a partner who will then be responsible for taking care of them and making them happy. you are ahead of the game here; you sound, in this regard, more emotionally mature than many people.
3) yes, people in healthy relationships do need each other, to varying degrees, but this develops naturally after the relationship has existed for long enough that each party has become a significant part of each others' lives, and for many people, the relationship is enjoyable because the other person doesn't have so many needs that it would use a lot of resouces. A relationship that's pleasant is a respite from all that, a lot of the time. Sure, you need things from each other- as in any type of relationship, romantic or otherwise. But the goal ismt to optimize the use of resources among you. The goal is to enjoy the relationship.
4) you don't see many happy relationships because a) unhappy relationships are louder and b) people go into relationships expecting the other person to be exactly what they want, when they want it, like some weird robot that also reads minds and dispenses affection and gifts at the appropriate times. Friendships aren't like that, nor should romance be.
5) if a man doesn't want you because you are too independant, you don't want him because he is too much of a jackass.
6) sounds like you have low self-esteem to me. I think that's what you ought to be working on, not the relationship stuff.
posted by windykites at 8:00 AM on July 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
2) seeking out a relationship because you need it and you need the resources that the other person has available is ass-backwards, unhealthy, and the reason that so many of those unhappy relationships are unhappy. People spend years trying to unlearn the expectation that they should seek out a partner who will then be responsible for taking care of them and making them happy. you are ahead of the game here; you sound, in this regard, more emotionally mature than many people.
3) yes, people in healthy relationships do need each other, to varying degrees, but this develops naturally after the relationship has existed for long enough that each party has become a significant part of each others' lives, and for many people, the relationship is enjoyable because the other person doesn't have so many needs that it would use a lot of resouces. A relationship that's pleasant is a respite from all that, a lot of the time. Sure, you need things from each other- as in any type of relationship, romantic or otherwise. But the goal ismt to optimize the use of resources among you. The goal is to enjoy the relationship.
4) you don't see many happy relationships because a) unhappy relationships are louder and b) people go into relationships expecting the other person to be exactly what they want, when they want it, like some weird robot that also reads minds and dispenses affection and gifts at the appropriate times. Friendships aren't like that, nor should romance be.
5) if a man doesn't want you because you are too independant, you don't want him because he is too much of a jackass.
6) sounds like you have low self-esteem to me. I think that's what you ought to be working on, not the relationship stuff.
posted by windykites at 8:00 AM on July 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
Also, in the same sentence you talk about how a good guy should be with someone who needs them more than you do, and how they should be with someone who would be less of a burden than you would be. I think your fear and your low self esteem have more to do with this than any logic your brain tries to make up.
Listen, you are good enough to be in a relationship. Lots of people are far worse than you and are in relationships. Known murderers have relationships (don't date murderers plz)! So just something to bear in mind. You are good enough. You are. You are.
posted by windykites at 8:16 AM on July 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Listen, you are good enough to be in a relationship. Lots of people are far worse than you and are in relationships. Known murderers have relationships (don't date murderers plz)! So just something to bear in mind. You are good enough. You are. You are.
posted by windykites at 8:16 AM on July 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
My two cents:
It's not that your thinking is 'weird'; it's that you are overthinking it. You're relatively content on your own; but you would like, at some point, to be in a relationship. Actually entering into a relationship entails taking a risk. So you are playing out all the scenarios in your mind in a sort of risk-analysis (potential break-ups, being trapped in a bad relationship), and coming up with rationales for why it may be best not to enter a relationship after all anyway in a sort of risk-aversion (the guy should have someone who needs him more; or have someone 'better').
I think you're just afraid of taking the risk. Which is normal! But you will not get any answers if you do not just take the plunge at some point.
(And please jettison the notion of leaving the 'good' guys for someone else who 'needs' them or 'deserves' them more -- that is your fear trying to work out a way to avoid the whole issue, and dressing it up as a sort of altruism so that you might get on board with it.)
posted by fikri at 8:30 AM on July 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
It's not that your thinking is 'weird'; it's that you are overthinking it. You're relatively content on your own; but you would like, at some point, to be in a relationship. Actually entering into a relationship entails taking a risk. So you are playing out all the scenarios in your mind in a sort of risk-analysis (potential break-ups, being trapped in a bad relationship), and coming up with rationales for why it may be best not to enter a relationship after all anyway in a sort of risk-aversion (the guy should have someone who needs him more; or have someone 'better').
I think you're just afraid of taking the risk. Which is normal! But you will not get any answers if you do not just take the plunge at some point.
(And please jettison the notion of leaving the 'good' guys for someone else who 'needs' them or 'deserves' them more -- that is your fear trying to work out a way to avoid the whole issue, and dressing it up as a sort of altruism so that you might get on board with it.)
posted by fikri at 8:30 AM on July 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
I don't know what you mean when you say you would make a great boyfriend, and I think it might be helpful for you to think about your thoughts on gender, and gendered expectations in relationships. Getting over being "the girl" in a relationship (or learning that there're many ways to be the woman/girl/lady/female partner in a relationship) might be a good place to start.
posted by spunweb at 10:23 AM on July 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by spunweb at 10:23 AM on July 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
What stands out to me is that at least point #1 and probably the others too point to an avoidance of vulnerability. Which is fine and normal and human, but you may want to look at it to see how much it serves you.
Brene Brown did an awesome TEDTalk on the topic, which is well worth watching at least once (i go back to it every few months or so, as a reminder).
posted by softlord at 11:39 AM on July 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Brene Brown did an awesome TEDTalk on the topic, which is well worth watching at least once (i go back to it every few months or so, as a reminder).
posted by softlord at 11:39 AM on July 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Well, all those points are clearly actually the same point: you were convinced, from the earliest age, by the people who are supposed to love you, that you were not worth "taking care of" or loving, and now you know this to be true in the very core of your being, no matter what anything or anyone outside of you says.
You are also conflating someone caring for you in an equal adult relationship with "taking care of" you, a concept you find shameful and repulsive. (If you are thinking this way you shouldn't follow through on your dream of "taking care of" a child on your own, since the very concept of care taking of any kind is repulsive to you and will be until you can get out of this mindset.)
I don't usually suggest therapy but I do actually think this one is a job for a therapist. I think your parents poisoned your mind against yourself and against the very concept of love and I don't really think that self-help resources are gonna be enough for you.
All I can say is that it's my belief that you are wonderfully and fearfully made and that you are loved beyond measure by the One who made us all, and I'm sorry your parents weren't up to it. You deserve better, and what you crave is absolutely attainable.
posted by tel3path at 4:37 PM on July 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
You are also conflating someone caring for you in an equal adult relationship with "taking care of" you, a concept you find shameful and repulsive. (If you are thinking this way you shouldn't follow through on your dream of "taking care of" a child on your own, since the very concept of care taking of any kind is repulsive to you and will be until you can get out of this mindset.)
I don't usually suggest therapy but I do actually think this one is a job for a therapist. I think your parents poisoned your mind against yourself and against the very concept of love and I don't really think that self-help resources are gonna be enough for you.
All I can say is that it's my belief that you are wonderfully and fearfully made and that you are loved beyond measure by the One who made us all, and I'm sorry your parents weren't up to it. You deserve better, and what you crave is absolutely attainable.
posted by tel3path at 4:37 PM on July 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
it is not your place to decide whether or not you are suitable for a relationship with someone else. That is their decision to make, not yours. Assuming your potential relationship partners are competent adults, it's demeaning of you to presume that you have the ability to decide whether or not you meet someone else's criteria; and they are not obligated to have the same criteria as you, and it is not your place to decide how they should use their resources.
This is brilliant. Thank you, windykites. I would favorite this a thousand times if I could.
I am not a therapist, but I get the impression that you have managed to convince yourself that "needing" someone in your life is pathological and something to be avoided at all costs. And what is suspect may be underneath all that is the fear that if you "need" someone then they may have the power to hurt you. And who in the hell wants to be hurt?
I could be completely off. I've just seen this with myself and with people I know. Best to you.
posted by strelitzia at 8:49 AM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is brilliant. Thank you, windykites. I would favorite this a thousand times if I could.
I am not a therapist, but I get the impression that you have managed to convince yourself that "needing" someone in your life is pathological and something to be avoided at all costs. And what is suspect may be underneath all that is the fear that if you "need" someone then they may have the power to hurt you. And who in the hell wants to be hurt?
I could be completely off. I've just seen this with myself and with people I know. Best to you.
posted by strelitzia at 8:49 AM on July 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
I know I can handle a lot of things... and I feel privileged in a lot of ways, even if those privileges may also hurt me. Yet, I feel a good guy (reliable, strong, kind, respectful and respectable) should be with someone who "needs" them more? Like I do not need them..
You know what this kind of thinking very easily leads to? A relationship with a man who is not reliable, not strong, not kind, and not respectful/respectable. There are men who pick up on this "I'm a self-sufficient, independent woman and don't need a relationship" mentality and prey upon it in the worst possible way, charming the woman and then, after she falls in love with him, forcing her to always be the strong one in the relationship while he flounders. Counter-intuitive as this might sound, it's a path to co-dependence if you let your guard down while still in this mindset. You are so self-sufficient and so not needy that you won't even really mind that the relationship is mostly terrible until you break down.
It's beneficial to be needy in some ways. You aren't great at everything and you don't know everything. Rather than seeing this as neediness, see it as being realistic and practical. A good, well-matched relationship doesn't weigh you down or get in the way of living your life the way you want to; it opens up new possibilities for you, opens doors to things you couldn't have attained on your own.
On the other hand, some people just don't want to be in relationships or aren't ready for them due to other priorities, and that's fine too. But if you feel like maybe you do or should want to be in a relationship, keep this in mind.
posted by wondermouse at 9:14 AM on July 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
You know what this kind of thinking very easily leads to? A relationship with a man who is not reliable, not strong, not kind, and not respectful/respectable. There are men who pick up on this "I'm a self-sufficient, independent woman and don't need a relationship" mentality and prey upon it in the worst possible way, charming the woman and then, after she falls in love with him, forcing her to always be the strong one in the relationship while he flounders. Counter-intuitive as this might sound, it's a path to co-dependence if you let your guard down while still in this mindset. You are so self-sufficient and so not needy that you won't even really mind that the relationship is mostly terrible until you break down.
It's beneficial to be needy in some ways. You aren't great at everything and you don't know everything. Rather than seeing this as neediness, see it as being realistic and practical. A good, well-matched relationship doesn't weigh you down or get in the way of living your life the way you want to; it opens up new possibilities for you, opens doors to things you couldn't have attained on your own.
On the other hand, some people just don't want to be in relationships or aren't ready for them due to other priorities, and that's fine too. But if you feel like maybe you do or should want to be in a relationship, keep this in mind.
posted by wondermouse at 9:14 AM on July 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
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Many of my friends are in long-term relationships. They are all extremely happy but for many of them, I'd murder their boyfriends if I had to date them. But that doesn't mean that the boyfriends are bad guys, or that their relationships aren't solid.
Trust me, it's good that you don't feel you NEED to be with someone. That frees you from the trap of settling, and allows you to seek what you actually need. But step two is... admit to yourself that you deserve to be with someone who can make you happy! It's not selfish or demanding to desire that.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:15 AM on July 13, 2013 [8 favorites]