First and second date within 48 hours-Money don't matter tonight?
July 12, 2013 4:29 PM   Subscribe

I finally got to ask a coworker out for coffee. The meeting, I think, went down pretty well. 1 and 1/2 hour of good conversation with no awkward silences as far as I know. We had previously talked briefly several times at the workplace, and I knew we shared several interests, which I confirmed after today's mostly pleasant encounter. HOWEVER...

1) I am travelling to visit my family in a few days, and won´t be in town for ten days. I was thinking in telling my coworker about an indie movie which has received plenty of positive critical reviews and is playing in one local theater for two more days. I have the feeling that both of us would be interested in watching this film, but I am not sure if suggesting another-perhaps more intimate-meeting the day after our first "date"is appropriate. If this happens, our first and second "dates" would be only 48 hours apart. Is that too soon?

2) (And hopefully less important) For some reason, at one point the conversation turned (mostly due to her initiative) to money matters, more exactly to how difficult it is to afford the high cost of living in this town with our salaries. Which led to our disclosing what our salaries actually were. It turned out that she makes around 50% more than me. This fact seemed to really surprise her.

Could that be much of a factor in turning someone (me) down?

Overall, I found her a warm, attractive and interesting person, and we seem to share many concerns (e.g.: popular education, social justice, ecology, etc.) , values and world views. Do you think an invitation to the movies before my trip the day after tomorrow (one day in advance) in this context makes sense? Supposing she is the considerate, kind, certainly-not-overly-materialistic sort of person I believe she is, can our difference in income mean a big deal at this stage?

Sensible outside views can be of great help here.
posted by Basque13 to Human Relations (17 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
1) If you like her, ask her out again. Worst case is that she says no. Let her know that you'll be out of town for a while.

2) If her salary being more than yours is a dealbreaker, that's a great thing to find out early. Don't sweat it; she'll let you know if it's an issue soon enough.
posted by bfranklin at 4:31 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

You are totally overthinking this. If you want to see her again, ask her out again. If she wants to come up with a reason to turn you down, let her do that all by herself. Income may or may not matter to her, who knows? Just do what you want to do.
posted by brainmouse at 4:31 PM on July 12, 2013 [11 favorites]

Don't bring up the salary thing again until you are engaged/cohabitating. It's too early. If she's concerned she will bring it up. If you are concerned you shouldn't be.
posted by brownrd at 4:34 PM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]

Just to make sure, she knows that you're considering the coffee hang out to be a date, right? Because I think that when you're trying to date a coworker, the general rule that you have to be really explicit about it being a date applies even more strongly. The fact that she wanted to talk about work stuff (e.g., salaries) makes me wonder whether she knows that you considered it to be a date.

When you ask her about the movie (and I think there's no real reason not to), you should say specifically, "Would you like to go out on a date with me tomorrow night to see [movie]?" Her response will then tell you whether she wants to date you, or whether for some reason (maybe money, maybe not), she would prefer not to.
posted by decathecting at 4:37 PM on July 12, 2013 [19 favorites]

I'm totally the kind of person who would explain why I was suggesting the date so soon and for such a specific time, but I would do that whether or not I was going out of town. I just can't stop talking. But it has never been problematic for me to say something along the lines of, "Hey, this movie is playing just tonight & tomorrow, and then I'm leaving town. I'm going to see it before I leave -- Wanna join me? I think you'd like it!"

For the second question, it doesn't matter. Or if it does matter, let her be the one to decide that. Don't let it matter to you, though. I mean, don't assume she'll pay more often or pay more than half unless she insists on it, but don't let it freak you out. I've been in several LTRs in which I earned a great deal more than my SO and the only time it was an issue for me was when my SO made it an issue for one reason or another.
posted by janey47 at 4:43 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

Meh, just ask her. You have a ready-made, pretty good reason - you think you'd both enjoy it, and it's closing soon. The fact that you are going out of town for 10 days isn't really a factor, because it isn't actually clear (to me) that your first date was actually a "date" to her -- or that there is anything more than platonic good vibes from her end. Make sure it's clear that it's a date you're asking her on.

As far as the income gap goes, who knows if it would be a factor. There could be any number of reasons she might decline. In the future though, I'd keep that info close to my chest.
posted by sm1tten at 4:43 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

I didn't hear any reason in what you wrote for you to not ask her out again. Do it!
posted by number9dream at 5:20 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

1) I'd probably wait till after you get back from your trip, since two dates in as many days sends the message that you're REALLY into her. You mention that you're coworkers, and the first date doesn't sound like it was really that hot & heavy, so to me it would feel kind of weird that you want to see her again the very next day. If I were in her shoes and went from "coffee and an hour or so of chat wherein we discovered that we have things in common" to dinner and a movie the very next day, I would be concerned that you were a potential creep. It's coming on really strong. Especially what with the work connection.

2) We can't know how she feels about the income gap. For some women, this would be a really big deal. I personally don't care how much any dude makes, so it definitely could be that she doesn't. I'd say that just because she was surprised about it doesn't mean it's a bad thing necessarily.
posted by Sara C. at 6:20 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ask her out again! Worst case scenario, she says no, and you are saved the agony of indecision and uncertainty at least. But I doubt she'll say no. ;)

Call her and let her know that this movie is playing the next couple days and you thought she would enjoy it. Casually mention at some point that you will be going out of town. At the end of the date, if all goes well, then suggest the two of you get together again once you come back. Simple.

I think that's best because if you lay that all on her over the phone--I want to see you but I know we just went out but I only have two days before I will be gone but there's this movie we could see but we have to go now but then it will be ten whole days I'll be gone but I want to see you again after that!--it might be a bit overwhelming, you know?

If it were me, I would appreciate knowing you wouldn't be around (so I'd know you hadn't lost interest entirely), but I'd be a bit taken aback if it seemed like you were putting all this thought into "us" so soon. We don't need to coordinate our iDate calendar apps (with color-coded iMovie schedules! Blue for action films! Pink for chick flicks!)* like we're an old married couple. We've only had the one date so far!

The salary issue shouldn't be an issue, really, if she is a decent person (or even just your regular average person). If you ask her to the movie and she offers to pay her share, though, (which would be a nice gesture at least on her part), be gracious about the offer. You don't have to accept, but don't be insulted or defensive either way, because given the salary differential, that would be an entirely reasonable thing for a 'considerate, kind, certainly-not-overly-materialistic sort of person' to do!

Good luck! I hope you guys see that movie.

*I am so copywriting this idea right now. Call me, Apple. You know it's a winner.**
**Or Google. I can change the name! Google Playdate has a nice ring to it. Think about it.

posted by misha at 6:31 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

Absent an obvious, strong attraction on her part, which you did not mention, I would wait and ask her out again after you get back. Asking for a second date in only two days seems a little needy to me.

Drop her an email and let her know you're leaving town for a while and you'll see her after you get back. I wouldn't even hint at another date, but you're letting her know you're still thinking about her.

Forget about the income thing for now. Might bug her a lot, might not bug her at all, but dwelling on it (or worse, focusing on it with her) won't help you a bit. Just drive on.
posted by mattu at 6:49 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

I would not assume that getting coffee with a coworker was a date. Even if the guy paid, I would not assume that it was a date. Did you say that it was a date?
posted by ablazingsaddle at 7:28 PM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]

1) It's not really a good idea to discuss salaries with coworkers. It's rarely a situation where both people leave happy.

2) ask her out again to see the movie! Make it super explicit that it's a date - if she turns you down, she turns you down, and you get to find someone who likes you better! Better to do it now than worry about it for 10 days, right?
posted by OrangeDrink at 7:30 PM on July 12, 2013 [4 favorites]

I'm in the wait-and-don't-seem-overeager camp. But one option is to mention you're going away, and that there's this movie you'd like to catch either before you go or once you get back, and would she be into checking it out. Maybe email her a link to a review. This can be a really short email.

And see what she says.

If she seems equally cool with going before or after the trip, vote for "before", because you can't be sure it'll still be in theaters when you return. That puts reasonable time urgency on the scheduling, deflecting the appearance of over-eagerness.
posted by Quisp Lover at 8:00 PM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

1. I've had several first dates where a second got squeezed in before a guy went traveling, and it was really flattering that they wanted to see me again before they left! So here's what you say: "Hey! I had a great time with you the other day. I'd like to do it again soon! I'm leaving town for ten days, but there's this really great indie movie I was going to see before I left. Want to come see it with me? On a datey-datey date date?" OK, maybe not the last part, but make it clear that it's a date or whatever.

1a. If she can't make it because she's busy (reasonable with 48 hours notice) but says she had a great time too, blah blah blah, set something up for a day or two after you get back to town. Don't wait to do this! Set it up now so she knows you're interested.

2. She doesn't care. If she does care, she's weird, so move along.
posted by mibo at 8:30 PM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

Overthinking this. What Janey said. All of it, down to the verbiage of your request.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 2:45 AM on July 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think that it is more likely than not that your coworker did not consider your coffee meeting a date.

Either way, two days is not enough time to schedule a date and ten days is not a long time to be away, in the long run. Make a date with her when you get back and be explicit about it, using the word 'date' prominently, when you ask.
posted by Kwine at 9:02 AM on July 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

As a female at the other end of a similar situation, just wait. It's not like you're seeing your family to avoid her. She'll keep. Relax.
posted by maryr at 9:16 AM on July 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

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