Figure Out a Way To Deal With My Crappy Boss
July 4, 2013 7:22 PM Subscribe
I have a totally unsupportive shitty boss who is terrible at management and constantly undermines me. How to deal?
I work in a creative industry where I have a full time job and I also freelance. I have a manager who only knows how to motivate us by treating us like shit, essentially. She's petty, jealous, lazy, and just incredibly difficult to work with.
I just finished up a freelance assignment that everyone seems really happy with and that I'm very proud of. This morning, my boss wrote me a text that said, essentially "Great job on that thing. Why can't you do work that good for your full-time job?"
Well, it's shit like that text that keeps me from doing work that good for my full-time job. I am totally infuriated, but I'm not even sure she realizes that it was an insult. I've spoken to her before about this kind of thing, and she dismisses me by saying "Christ, you're so sensitive." That's a direct quote. My co-workers tend to let her walk all over them. She never listens to anyone's criticisms of her constant insensitivity and in the three years I've worked there, she's never admitted she's wrong.
I'm working on finding another place to work, but in the meantime, how can I let this stuff roll off my back a little more easily? I've tried to get her to see that the way she communicates is insensitive and has an adverse effect as far as motivating us, but she is totally unbending in her behavior, so until I find something new, I Just have to adjust. How can I minimize my outrage at predictable behavior like this?
I work in a creative industry where I have a full time job and I also freelance. I have a manager who only knows how to motivate us by treating us like shit, essentially. She's petty, jealous, lazy, and just incredibly difficult to work with.
I just finished up a freelance assignment that everyone seems really happy with and that I'm very proud of. This morning, my boss wrote me a text that said, essentially "Great job on that thing. Why can't you do work that good for your full-time job?"
Well, it's shit like that text that keeps me from doing work that good for my full-time job. I am totally infuriated, but I'm not even sure she realizes that it was an insult. I've spoken to her before about this kind of thing, and she dismisses me by saying "Christ, you're so sensitive." That's a direct quote. My co-workers tend to let her walk all over them. She never listens to anyone's criticisms of her constant insensitivity and in the three years I've worked there, she's never admitted she's wrong.
I'm working on finding another place to work, but in the meantime, how can I let this stuff roll off my back a little more easily? I've tried to get her to see that the way she communicates is insensitive and has an adverse effect as far as motivating us, but she is totally unbending in her behavior, so until I find something new, I Just have to adjust. How can I minimize my outrage at predictable behavior like this?
Make the tags in this post into T-shirts that you wear under another shirt or sweater while at work.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 7:43 PM on July 4, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 7:43 PM on July 4, 2013 [5 favorites]
I've dealt with crappy colleagues/higher-ups by reminding myself of the fact that people tend to treat others the way they treat themselves. Micromanagers micromanage themselves, drama addicts are dramatic with themselves, and cool, confident people are cool and confident with themselves.
Your boss is almost certainly as shitty to herself as she is to you. She doesn't see it as treating you in a certain way, she sees it as the normal way to treat people because that's how she feels treated--mostly by herself.
So, remembering that should let you view her shitty behaviour as self-inflicted misery rather than a judgement on you. That may not be true, but feeling/acting like it is can actually be a really good strategy for not taking her shitty behaviour to heart, which is really what you want. So, pity her a bit for being as unhappy on the inside as she makes you feel, but mostly, just remember that she's being shitty for her sake, not yours. Her behaviour speaks volumes about her and almost nothing about you.
Also, respond to her text by saying "Because my boss is a demotivating asshole."
posted by fatbird at 8:00 PM on July 4, 2013 [35 favorites]
Your boss is almost certainly as shitty to herself as she is to you. She doesn't see it as treating you in a certain way, she sees it as the normal way to treat people because that's how she feels treated--mostly by herself.
So, remembering that should let you view her shitty behaviour as self-inflicted misery rather than a judgement on you. That may not be true, but feeling/acting like it is can actually be a really good strategy for not taking her shitty behaviour to heart, which is really what you want. So, pity her a bit for being as unhappy on the inside as she makes you feel, but mostly, just remember that she's being shitty for her sake, not yours. Her behaviour speaks volumes about her and almost nothing about you.
Also, respond to her text by saying "Because my boss is a demotivating asshole."
posted by fatbird at 8:00 PM on July 4, 2013 [35 favorites]
"Why can't you do work that good for your full-time job?" ... Well, it's shit like that text that keeps me from doing work that good for my full-time job.
New job, pronto. And in my workplace, free-lancing is only acceptable when you're already performing at 110% in your current job. As toxic as your boss is, you might want to think about how your performance in your full time position might be impacting your current and future job prospects.
However - new job, pronto. And I would start documenting things like this. Put them in a file folder just in case - and having that as a thing to do may help with the coping process. Also, recognize that this is 100% not about you.
posted by arnicae at 8:29 PM on July 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
New job, pronto. And in my workplace, free-lancing is only acceptable when you're already performing at 110% in your current job. As toxic as your boss is, you might want to think about how your performance in your full time position might be impacting your current and future job prospects.
However - new job, pronto. And I would start documenting things like this. Put them in a file folder just in case - and having that as a thing to do may help with the coping process. Also, recognize that this is 100% not about you.
posted by arnicae at 8:29 PM on July 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
Turn it into a source of humour and amusement -- make a bullshit bingo card of things she might say and tick them off when she says them; whenever you have to tell her something or show her something, make a mental prediction of what she'll say back, tally your points for being correct; keep a daily tally of really stupid, insane things she says or an "X DaysHours Since Last Insane Comment" chart.
Obviously these are things you do in private, rather than publicly, but if you can get your mental reaction to her stupid-ass comments to be 'I knew she'd say that' or 'Man, I was really hoping for a curseword in this feedback' instead of 'Man, I feel bad about this', you win.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:39 PM on July 4, 2013 [5 favorites]
Obviously these are things you do in private, rather than publicly, but if you can get your mental reaction to her stupid-ass comments to be 'I knew she'd say that' or 'Man, I was really hoping for a curseword in this feedback' instead of 'Man, I feel bad about this', you win.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:39 PM on July 4, 2013 [5 favorites]
If you always give 100% while doing your best work, then whatever your boss says is irrelevant unless it is truly constructive criticism.
What I don't understand is why her text would cause you to not do your best. Are you sabotaging your own work because your boss is a moron? Don't, it is unprofessional.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:47 PM on July 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
What I don't understand is why her text would cause you to not do your best. Are you sabotaging your own work because your boss is a moron? Don't, it is unprofessional.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:47 PM on July 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
If you're in a mental place where you can inject humor, give her a secret, elaborate backstory. I had a boss from hell (and stupidly worked for her twice! because I was stupid!) and it helped me to craft this tragic Series of Unfortunate Childhood Events that caused her to be so awful, and in turn became something I could attempt to sympathize with: She had a demanding mother and a stern, distant father. An evil neighbor forced her to catch and cook neighborhood pets using elaborate recipes. She never had a jumprope partner at school. She had a 13-year case of cooties and used to chew her own sweater sleeves out of anxiety and embarrassment. It also helped to craft future Unfortunate Events, usually involving pianos and random anvils dropping on her from high windows.
If you are not in a mental place where you can inject humor, maybe it's time to call a spade a spade: Your working relationship, like mine, has some of the aspects of an abusive relationship. Eventually, my attempts at empathizing didn't help. It was past time to get out. The sooner you leave, the better.
Also, to minimize future impact, brace yourself for how her behavior impacts you in the future, both in your work and within your social circles. After five years of working for her, it took me about 18 months to feel human, to stop holding my breath and assuming/expecting people -- good, kind, smart people -- to start acting crappy.
posted by mochapickle at 8:59 PM on July 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you are not in a mental place where you can inject humor, maybe it's time to call a spade a spade: Your working relationship, like mine, has some of the aspects of an abusive relationship. Eventually, my attempts at empathizing didn't help. It was past time to get out. The sooner you leave, the better.
Also, to minimize future impact, brace yourself for how her behavior impacts you in the future, both in your work and within your social circles. After five years of working for her, it took me about 18 months to feel human, to stop holding my breath and assuming/expecting people -- good, kind, smart people -- to start acting crappy.
posted by mochapickle at 8:59 PM on July 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
"Why can't you do work that good for your full-time job?"
"Because I've got a shitty boss holding me back."
posted by notsnot at 9:18 PM on July 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Because I've got a shitty boss holding me back."
posted by notsnot at 9:18 PM on July 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
I had some great advice decades ago about criticism and offence - 'the wise can never be offended, for the truth is always worth hearing and lies are beneath notice'. Often rude shitty people can make good points, even if they make them in an unbelievably aggravating way - try and pluck out the corn from the crap. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that you'll ultimately be a better person for it, while she'll stay shitty forever.
Oh, and get a new job, obv.
posted by Sebmojo at 9:21 PM on July 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
Oh, and get a new job, obv.
posted by Sebmojo at 9:21 PM on July 4, 2013 [7 favorites]
One thing I have learned in the corporate workplace is that people don't change their habits... unless money is involved.
Unless you manage to complain to her superiors and get their ear, and they threaten her livelihood, you can't change your boss's habits. It doesn't matter what you say or do. Unless her treatment is severe enough that her superiors would be interested, you're just going to have to let it go and move elsewhere, which I can see you're already trying to do.
Whenever something infuriating happens for me at work, my #1 solution is to go for a walk. I'll get out and walk around the block for ten minutes, and I always feel a bit better. Maybe not all better, but the fresh air helps me have a moment where I can get out of the office and see the world around me. It sounds stupid but it's rooted in science- just like exercise can help soothe depression or anxiety, it can definitely help you cope with annoyances.
posted by Old Man McKay at 10:26 PM on July 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
Unless you manage to complain to her superiors and get their ear, and they threaten her livelihood, you can't change your boss's habits. It doesn't matter what you say or do. Unless her treatment is severe enough that her superiors would be interested, you're just going to have to let it go and move elsewhere, which I can see you're already trying to do.
Whenever something infuriating happens for me at work, my #1 solution is to go for a walk. I'll get out and walk around the block for ten minutes, and I always feel a bit better. Maybe not all better, but the fresh air helps me have a moment where I can get out of the office and see the world around me. It sounds stupid but it's rooted in science- just like exercise can help soothe depression or anxiety, it can definitely help you cope with annoyances.
posted by Old Man McKay at 10:26 PM on July 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
How does your boss know so much about your freelance work? You realize the implication of that note was to suggest you're putting more effort into your freelance than your regular job. That may not be ethically wrong but it isn't unreasonable for her to feel annoyed about it. I'm not saying this excuses any other bad behaviour, but you have to try to see it from her perspective.
In your shoes I'd keep those two worlds entirely separate. It's no business of hers what you're doing outside your day job. Don't allow her that much access to your non-work life, for starters.
posted by zadcat at 10:46 PM on July 4, 2013 [15 favorites]
In your shoes I'd keep those two worlds entirely separate. It's no business of hers what you're doing outside your day job. Don't allow her that much access to your non-work life, for starters.
posted by zadcat at 10:46 PM on July 4, 2013 [15 favorites]
"how can I let this stuff roll off my back a little more easily?"
The only thing you can change is yourself. Nothing you do can affect her behavior, so you're best served by letting this be her problem, not yours.
You wouldn't let stupid bullshit from a three-year-old eat at you. You'd say "god, that's an annoying three-year-old" and be done with it.
And find another job.
posted by colin_l at 11:12 PM on July 4, 2013
The only thing you can change is yourself. Nothing you do can affect her behavior, so you're best served by letting this be her problem, not yours.
You wouldn't let stupid bullshit from a three-year-old eat at you. You'd say "god, that's an annoying three-year-old" and be done with it.
And find another job.
posted by colin_l at 11:12 PM on July 4, 2013
A wise colleague with a very level head once explained how she kept calm in difficult work situations. She said "this is my work, not my art"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:17 AM on July 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:17 AM on July 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
How do you minimize your outrage?
It's simple but hard to do. Your boss is pretty damaged, and highly insecure. Being petty and acerbic is a substitute, for her, instead of delegating, developing, fostering, mentoring and leading.
She likely knows this, and knows that she lacks the tools to manage better. Her response is to cement her 'natural' standing at the top of the pile by abusing her privilege.
A good way to deal with the petty aspect is to ask for detailed feedback on how she would have done it better. Look her clear in the eye, say you want to develop your skills and would appreciate detailed feedback. If you don't want to put up with the crap, then lay the challenge down calmly and clearly and without emotion.
I don't see an issue with calling her on this crap. Tell her, politely, this isn't structured or constructive feedback. You're already looking for another job. Until her boss deals with the issue - assuming it isn't an option for you to go direct to her boss - then your options are to address it, suck it up, or leave.
If she's the owner or sufficiently embedded that she has cover from above, then I doubt she'll change because she has no incentive, nor a mentor for proper management. Suck it up, remind yourself that the issue is her and not you, and find another job.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:49 AM on July 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's simple but hard to do. Your boss is pretty damaged, and highly insecure. Being petty and acerbic is a substitute, for her, instead of delegating, developing, fostering, mentoring and leading.
She likely knows this, and knows that she lacks the tools to manage better. Her response is to cement her 'natural' standing at the top of the pile by abusing her privilege.
A good way to deal with the petty aspect is to ask for detailed feedback on how she would have done it better. Look her clear in the eye, say you want to develop your skills and would appreciate detailed feedback. If you don't want to put up with the crap, then lay the challenge down calmly and clearly and without emotion.
I don't see an issue with calling her on this crap. Tell her, politely, this isn't structured or constructive feedback. You're already looking for another job. Until her boss deals with the issue - assuming it isn't an option for you to go direct to her boss - then your options are to address it, suck it up, or leave.
If she's the owner or sufficiently embedded that she has cover from above, then I doubt she'll change because she has no incentive, nor a mentor for proper management. Suck it up, remind yourself that the issue is her and not you, and find another job.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:49 AM on July 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I'm not sure I'm not on her side here. I'm a nice boss in a creative field (it's in my review, people routinely wish they were in my department, etc.) and I'd be pissed if someone were working harder at their freelance than their job. There are some cases where maybe the answer is "well, they were much more flexible than client Y usually is," but other than that, this really shouldn't be the case and you are not without blame. If the answer is "well I felt a lot more supported by them than I do here ... guess I should trust myself more!" then *say that*. Even terrible bosses don't actively want the people who work for them to be unhappy. And if there's a way she can help you do better work, it's probably worth giving her the option to try.
That said, you obviously shouldn't work there any more because you clearly can't tell the difference between legitimate and illegitimate criticism from this lady.
posted by dame at 7:02 AM on July 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
That said, you obviously shouldn't work there any more because you clearly can't tell the difference between legitimate and illegitimate criticism from this lady.
posted by dame at 7:02 AM on July 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do not send a snotty reply. Are you sure your work at work is as good as your freelance work?
Start meeting at least monthly with your boss. Take notes, and email them to her after the meeting, so you both have clarity on her expectations. When she gives you any positive feedback, tell her how much it encourages and motivates you. Tell her morale in the office is poor, and that staff need encouragement and praise for good work.
Read the Shamu article - it works with co-workers, too. Read up on managing your boss. Some bosses are beyond awful. Some bosses will just not click with you. But you'll generally have a boss who has power over your work life. Developing the skills to smooth that relationship will make your career much happier.
posted by theora55 at 8:37 AM on July 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
Start meeting at least monthly with your boss. Take notes, and email them to her after the meeting, so you both have clarity on her expectations. When she gives you any positive feedback, tell her how much it encourages and motivates you. Tell her morale in the office is poor, and that staff need encouragement and praise for good work.
Read the Shamu article - it works with co-workers, too. Read up on managing your boss. Some bosses are beyond awful. Some bosses will just not click with you. But you'll generally have a boss who has power over your work life. Developing the skills to smooth that relationship will make your career much happier.
posted by theora55 at 8:37 AM on July 5, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have a totally unsupportive shitty boss who is terrible at management...
What does she actually manage poorly?
If all she does is say kind of dumb stuff, she may be a fairly average boss with a weird personality/poor sense of humor, whatever. I have two bosses right now who would do pretty much what she did in that situation and think they'd handled it well. It would become a problem if they started hurting me in some practical way. For now, it's a story to tell my partner when I get home, or laugh about with a few close co-workers.
I also agree, why is this person familiar with your outside work?
posted by BibiRose at 8:52 AM on July 5, 2013
What does she actually manage poorly?
If all she does is say kind of dumb stuff, she may be a fairly average boss with a weird personality/poor sense of humor, whatever. I have two bosses right now who would do pretty much what she did in that situation and think they'd handled it well. It would become a problem if they started hurting me in some practical way. For now, it's a story to tell my partner when I get home, or laugh about with a few close co-workers.
I also agree, why is this person familiar with your outside work?
posted by BibiRose at 8:52 AM on July 5, 2013
Your goal is to leave on a high note. Your coworkers and your boss's boss have recency bias, so they are going to remember you by your last couple of months. Think of this as the final stretch to do justice to your three years at this job. If you act negatively toward your boss, the others will remember you as a drama llama, and whisper about whether you really quit or whether your boss ousted you. Down the line, when they've also moved onto other companies and have an amazing job opening, they'll think of you as high-risk and offer it to someone else instead.
If you behave with impeccable professionalism, you're paving the way for your own awesome career down the line. Everyone will remember how mature you are, and how you're able to handle difficult situations with aplomb. You'll reap the rewards in getting freelance clients, job offers, and a stellar reputation.
Basically this is a situation of mutually assured destruction. You can lash out at her, but your career will be damaged too. Is this lazy manager worth damaging your career over? No!
posted by cheesecake at 7:03 PM on July 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you behave with impeccable professionalism, you're paving the way for your own awesome career down the line. Everyone will remember how mature you are, and how you're able to handle difficult situations with aplomb. You'll reap the rewards in getting freelance clients, job offers, and a stellar reputation.
Basically this is a situation of mutually assured destruction. You can lash out at her, but your career will be damaged too. Is this lazy manager worth damaging your career over? No!
posted by cheesecake at 7:03 PM on July 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
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Also, throw yourself entirely into finding another job. Toxic bosses like that never learn, never change, and can really make your life horrible if you let them get to you.
posted by xingcat at 7:31 PM on July 4, 2013 [6 favorites]