How can I deal with a hostile coworker in a professional setting?

June 28, 2013 11:38 PM

I'm currently working at a small (less than 40 people) engineering office with a former classmate. Both of us have been there for about half a year, so we're relatively new to the company/industry. This former classmate is angry at me to the extent that at a happy hour with about ten of our coworkers, she reamed me out while talking to another coworker (speaking loudly enough that she knew I could hear, and dropping enough hints that this coworker would know who she was talking about without out and out saying it). I would like to be able to leave this outside the office as the "issue" is not related to our work, and I am more than capable of still interacting with her professionally (I don't know if she is though). How should I go about dealing with this situation? Should I just ignore it/her or should I confront her quietly either via email or person to person? (see special snowflake details below)

I was having a personal crisis about 3 weeks ago that had me very depressed and withdrawn. I was functioning on autopilot to get my work done, eat and sleep. While things have improved since then, this situation is not helping my malaise.

This former classmate had been a close friend during school, but we have drifted apart a bit since starting work, as I have different interests than she does outside of work. She knew of the exact nature of my personal crisis and was somewhat supportive, but not particularly sympathetic. On one day during the weekend, I didn't respond to all her texts/calls, and she immediately turned to how much I must hate her, since I was ignoring her. Since then at work she's been giving me the silent treatment. I would say "Hi" to her when I saw her, but she wouldn't respond, so I figured she was just angry about me ignoring her texts and she would cool off eventually (I know that she has a hot temper). I did text her at one point to see what she was doing, and she didn't respond.

Cue to this happy hour. She still won't look at me or talk to me, so when we were sitting about five feet away from each other, she starts complaining LOUDLY to another female coworker (who has only been here 3 weeks) about how I have a "giant stick up [my] ass" and that she is not going to talk to me until I apologize to her. She also revealed some details of my personal life (related to my crisis) to this person. She was speaking loudly enough that any of our other coworkers could hear, and she also mentioned that the person that she was so mad at worked in the office. At this point, I paid my tab and left as soon as I could.

I realize this is about as middle school as it can get.

I DO NOT want this to be an issue at work. It's hard enough being a female engineer without having this kind of catty crap. I feel that if this gets back to any of the upper management (or escalates further), I will lose a lot of respect in their eyes, even if it isn't my fault. I do not want a mediation, I want to handle this quietly and outside of work. I do not want to be friends with this girl anymore. I believe I have two options. 1) I can continue to ignore the situation, so if it does escalate, it would be completely on her. 2) I can send her an "apology" to the extent to smooth this over. I feel this could still be tricky because she might take that as a "we're still friendly". Please help me figure out what to say.

posted by pianohands to Work & Money (10 answers total)

Best answer: I know you are grinding away about this, but PLEASE ignore this in the short term, remain professional and kind at work, and give Crazy Person some time to calm down. It will blow over.

From now on, don't ever ever ever talk about personal shit at work. EVER.

If you do this (I mean stop talking about personal issues at work) coworker's rant might never be connected with you. Plus, it is just Good Practice, overall.

Your coworkers are not your friends. Make this your mantra. Even at happy hour, work politics apply.

Very gently, I'm advising you to be even more professional and stop being naive about work relationships.

You will be very successful if you learn to play politics well at work.
posted by jbenben at 11:49 PM on June 28, 2013 [13 favorites]

Her problems are hers. Do not make them yours unless you must. If she can't be an adult and come talk to you directly rather than dropping passive-agressive hints, do not approach her with an apology.

That said, document document document. Keep notes, and keep any weird/hostile emails and voicemails. In public (including emails and voicemails) always take the high and professional road. Practice your "oh my goodness, why would you say that?" expression.
posted by rtha at 11:50 PM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]

If she launches into you again or you hear her launching into you within earshot...just stare her the fuck down. Stare. If you feel the need to communicate further, a wrinkled brow, a WTF face, or a maybe a quizzical patient head-tilt is acceptable. While staring.

Otherwise, ignore her silly behavior completely, and don't think for a minute that any of your supervisors care about it. They will care if you make it a thing. It is not a thing. It is unprofessional bullshit on her part and not worth acknowledging.
posted by desuetude at 12:11 AM on June 29, 2013

This is why I hate how some people believe that, if they send you an email or text or whatever, you are REQUIRED to drop everything and answer them immediately! Sheesh.

Remain totally professional at all times, including happy hours. Go ahead and keep saying hello; believe me, people will notice that YOU are being adult and polite, while SHE is acting like a brat. Make sure your work is your best, and again, keep your work interactions with her on a professional level --- if any of your work interacts with hers, make sure you document what you did or didn't do.

And jbenben has it: coworkers aren't friends. If you go out drinking with coworkers, never EVER get the least little bit drunk: even if the bosses aren't there in person, yes everyone's behavior WILL get back to them, and they will judge accordingly.
posted by easily confused at 12:58 AM on June 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

i would call her up outside of work, preferably over a weekend, and talk to her calmly. do not email as it is so, so easy with someone like this to misinterpret tone in email and make things even worse. i think if you don't she may escalate in saying stuff in front of others. i had something like this happen years ago, and i wish i'd just talked to the woman right away rather than letting her sabotage me in front of others. once i talked to my former friend she calmed the &%#$ down. she is hurt and wants to hurt you in return. people like that are unpredictable and can mess with your life and/or head. i'd nip it in the bud. my guess is ignoring her won't work as she's made it clear she won't be ignored. i'm not saying to apologize as you obviously have nothing to apologize for but just talk to her. defuse the situation before it escalates. once things are resolved be polite, friendly even but keep your distance.
posted by wildflower at 1:25 AM on June 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

I would avoid situations where SHE is drinking. I would also, if at all possible, avoid any non-work situation at which she might be in attendance.

If she does this at work she's really creating a hostile work environment and you should have a discussion with her AND an HR person or CEO and ask her to stop.

You don't need to cultivate this person as a friend, and you don't need to be friends (or even friendly as long as you're not rude) with everyone you work with.
posted by HuronBob at 3:13 AM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

You need to diffuse the situation and set her expectations that you do not respond immediately to calls or texts from anyone. Then you can do a slow fade from the friendship without her going off again. If you continue this friendship outside of work, there will always be drama (whether you work together ir not).

Talk to her and apologize for making her feel unwanted. Tell her that it was not your intention to upset her. Tell her that if you don't respond right away, it doesn't mean you are mad at her, it just means you are ill or in a situation where texting back is not possible. Do not bring up how she hurt you by revealing your personal details yet.

And then stop responding to her immediately (remember that is not possible). If she texts you at work, try to respond in person (but again, not right away). Never reveal personal reasons for the delay, simply say that responding immediately was not possible. You are retraining her expectations.

If after your apology she continues to passively aggressively attack you, adopt the phrases "why would you do that/say that/think that?", and a wordless confused expression. Do not drag coworkers into the drama, simply say "i don't unerstand why she said that" or look confused, and leave it alone. If she brings up non-work stuff at work, respond "i prefer if we only discuss that outside of work situations." Be a broken record with nuetral phrases, and don't let her suck you in to the drama of details.

Be completely professional. As someone above said, keep a record (keep a copy at home). Do not give her any more personal details. Tell her only what you would tell another coworker in polite conversation. Continue to smile at her and say "hello". Be confused if she responds negatively, but stay neutral. She will not be your coworker forever.

Good luck!
posted by rakaidan at 6:13 AM on June 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I would not apologize. That would likely be taken as "admission of guilt" and evidence that you deserve more abuse and will try to mollify her in the face of it. I would try to clear up the misunderstanding and let her know that your failure to reply was about your personal crisis, not about her at all. I would try to smooth things over from that angle. But I would not count on that working. She sounds like an asshole.
posted by Michele in California at 6:21 AM on June 29, 2013

Best answer: If you want to clear the air with her, either to correct misperceptions or draw battle lines, do it in a conversation out of the work environment. A phone call suggesting a meeting in a neutral place, probably not a coffee shop, would be good. She can have the opportunity to explain precisely why she's upset with you. At that point you may decide to apologize for the unintended slight, but you aren't required to validate her rude behavior. If she refuses, then make an appropriate, and courteous, exit from the phone conversation. (I'm sorry we couldn't get together to work this out.)

I caution you to avoid trying to instruct her how to act. That's not within your authority anyhow, and more than likely it would lead to tangential unpleasantness, so you might as well examine the other aspects of the situation, namely, to first identify her issues. You may then respond to them with any appropriate explanations. Her huff may be based on some incident that carries a different emotional weight with her than it does with you. Clearing the air in that way doesn't mean that you need to apologize for what you did. Indeed, it may just lead you to suggest something along the lines of "...I'm sorry this has caused a rift between us. Maybe it's best we stop pretending we are friends, and concentrate on being compatible co-workers..."

Do not do this in emails. Don't email her at all, except for what's necessary in your business day. It seems slightly possible that she misread or misinterpreted something you did. Even so, it seems more likely that she is expressing her juvenile underpinnings. It seems to me (from your narration) that her conduct is inappropriate, no matter what her problem with you stems from.

If she is as you depicted her, I don't see any hope in getting her to act with courtesy. You should, if possible, avoid matching her overboard behavior with your own. You are not required to match her emotional intensity in your responses. Indeed, you aren't required to respond to her at all. One of the things you want to avoid doing is flogging her for her behavior. Although it may seem appropriate, this sort of booger-flicking just puts more ammo in her pouch, which she will send back to you via your business associates. If all you give her is daisies, it won't be long before they will appraise her accordingly.

Should any of her venom bleed over into your work environment, you can seek redress with a supervisor, but this can happen only down the road, after you have been abused enough that your supervisor can get a reading on the situation from your coworkers. In this vein, don't initiate a counteroffensive by bad-mouthing her to your fellow workers. If one of them happens to mention it to you, tell them the truth: that you don't know why she's acting this way, because she's never done you the courtesy to talk to you about it.

Your friendship with her has died on the vine. There is no longer any fruit to be harvested here. The circumstances may be infuriating on the surface, but the loss of a friendship, in the long run, is the loss of a friend. Please don't inflict any unnecessary scars on yourself by indulging in rancor, when you are still able to walk away from it with only a bit of sadness.

Good luck.
posted by mule98J at 12:31 PM on June 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Her behavior is incredibly unprofessional and unfriendly. Stop by her desk, ideally with few people in listening range. Jane, I'm aware that you're upset with me. It seems to be because I didn't return text messages immediately. I'd be happy to discuss that with you at your convenience. Meanwhile, sharing information that I told you in confidence, and badmouthing me is really not okay. Don't do that.

Be incredibly calm, professional and neutral towards her at work. Don't ever share another confidence, but as long as you work together, behave as if you consider her a friend. Spilling confidences is a friendship-killer, and she's a drama queen, to boot. other people can generally figure this out on their own.
posted by theora55 at 3:47 PM on June 29, 2013