Anyone else have a sexist mom?
June 27, 2013 10:15 AM Subscribe
Looking for recommended feminist reading as well as personal anecdotes towards helpful dialogue with Mom, and to examine and deal with the crazy, effed up, sexist ideas with which I was raised and may have accepted as normal and true.
What are the Feminism 101 Required Readings? I'm a woman, btw, and I was very young when I moved out of my parents' house. Like, 15. And, I'd hated living there. I thought my parents were quite backwards and ill-informed about a good deal of issues. However, they have super sweet hearts, and now, many years later, I've been back in the area they live, and have cultivated a good relationship with both Mom and Dad.
My mother is not a hateful person. She's quite the opposite. She puts the needs of others before her own. Of course, the situation is too complex to describe... But, let's work under the assumption that she's a really sweet woman. A saint. She is so afraid of hurting anyone's feelings or being in any way intrusive -- really, to a fault. But, still. She's very, very dear.
But, man, it does hurt sometimes and I think she has no idea, or thinks it's just part of life: that men are the important people of Planet Earth. That we simple, feeble women are here to serve. We're here to carry babies and rub men's backs and mow the lawn and bake cookies.
I feel sorry that she so deeply considers herself a 2nd class citizen. I have fleeting feelings of frustration, exasperation, or awe when she advises that I (for example) don't get a second job bartending because what if that makes my boyfriend/partner/whatever-you-call-it guy jealous or insecure or just plain missing me and wishing I were home? Or, the preferential treatment she gives my brother over me. We're adults, and I don't need anything from my parents, but it's crummy to feel overlooked and slighted as a constant thing. Or, even the aforementioned boyfriend. Boyfriend gets presents and emails and thoughtful gestures because Mom wants to keep the guy happy -- My birthday (another real life example) gets completely forgotten.
I am now, very reluctantly, admitting that, YES my feefees get hurt.
The way my mom acts towards me is wonderful -- I am so grateful -- as long as it's outside the context of gender and gender roles and other men in our life. The one-to-one relationship with my mother is awesome. When the ratio tips to include anyone with a penis, I am suddenly of lesser value.
So, I'm feeling sad for her and for me (sometimes). I need to feed my brain, I need education to give me the strength to cope and maintain perspective! I've gotten a lot of mileage reminding myself that in Mom's childhood, male preference was instilled to her in very damaging ways. Where to go from there?
Also, I imagine that a bunch of us with parents or grandparents from that generation can relate. How do you cope?
What are the Feminism 101 Required Readings? I'm a woman, btw, and I was very young when I moved out of my parents' house. Like, 15. And, I'd hated living there. I thought my parents were quite backwards and ill-informed about a good deal of issues. However, they have super sweet hearts, and now, many years later, I've been back in the area they live, and have cultivated a good relationship with both Mom and Dad.
My mother is not a hateful person. She's quite the opposite. She puts the needs of others before her own. Of course, the situation is too complex to describe... But, let's work under the assumption that she's a really sweet woman. A saint. She is so afraid of hurting anyone's feelings or being in any way intrusive -- really, to a fault. But, still. She's very, very dear.
But, man, it does hurt sometimes and I think she has no idea, or thinks it's just part of life: that men are the important people of Planet Earth. That we simple, feeble women are here to serve. We're here to carry babies and rub men's backs and mow the lawn and bake cookies.
I feel sorry that she so deeply considers herself a 2nd class citizen. I have fleeting feelings of frustration, exasperation, or awe when she advises that I (for example) don't get a second job bartending because what if that makes my boyfriend/partner/whatever-you-call-it guy jealous or insecure or just plain missing me and wishing I were home? Or, the preferential treatment she gives my brother over me. We're adults, and I don't need anything from my parents, but it's crummy to feel overlooked and slighted as a constant thing. Or, even the aforementioned boyfriend. Boyfriend gets presents and emails and thoughtful gestures because Mom wants to keep the guy happy -- My birthday (another real life example) gets completely forgotten.
I am now, very reluctantly, admitting that, YES my feefees get hurt.
The way my mom acts towards me is wonderful -- I am so grateful -- as long as it's outside the context of gender and gender roles and other men in our life. The one-to-one relationship with my mother is awesome. When the ratio tips to include anyone with a penis, I am suddenly of lesser value.
So, I'm feeling sad for her and for me (sometimes). I need to feed my brain, I need education to give me the strength to cope and maintain perspective! I've gotten a lot of mileage reminding myself that in Mom's childhood, male preference was instilled to her in very damaging ways. Where to go from there?
Also, I imagine that a bunch of us with parents or grandparents from that generation can relate. How do you cope?
I think one of the best coping mechanisms for my mom was to live by example. She didn't stay home to raise me and instead went back to work because she found it fulfilling and meaningful.This wwasin the 1970s with her mother being June Cleaver.
posted by Leezie at 10:26 AM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Leezie at 10:26 AM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh wow I just today read something you might like, via clicking on some facebook thing, which was on the page of someone I don't even think of as particularly feminist.
It's more about body image and the way girls internalize what they are "good for" by watching their mothers, and the desire not to pass that on to the next generation while also not blaming our mothers.
Some other articles on the site also look interesting, though again I don't know that this is a "feminist" source specifically. I got this from the facebook page of a devoutly religious stay at home mom.
More feministically, the Second Wave Feminists of the 60s and 70s dealt a lot more with housework stuff and the idea that women are for serving and caring for others. I don't know how old your mom is or what her tolerance for that sort of "Free To Be You And Me" Ms. Magazine style of writing, but in college I especially enjoyed reading Sisterhood Is Powerful, if you can get your hands on a copy. There was also an updated edition put out about ten years ago, though I don't think it addresses domestic issues quite as accessibly as the original did. There's just something so sensible about the early Women's Lib "the personal is political" type of tone, that can help some of this stuff click into place.
posted by Sara C. at 10:38 AM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's more about body image and the way girls internalize what they are "good for" by watching their mothers, and the desire not to pass that on to the next generation while also not blaming our mothers.
Some other articles on the site also look interesting, though again I don't know that this is a "feminist" source specifically. I got this from the facebook page of a devoutly religious stay at home mom.
More feministically, the Second Wave Feminists of the 60s and 70s dealt a lot more with housework stuff and the idea that women are for serving and caring for others. I don't know how old your mom is or what her tolerance for that sort of "Free To Be You And Me" Ms. Magazine style of writing, but in college I especially enjoyed reading Sisterhood Is Powerful, if you can get your hands on a copy. There was also an updated edition put out about ten years ago, though I don't think it addresses domestic issues quite as accessibly as the original did. There's just something so sensible about the early Women's Lib "the personal is political" type of tone, that can help some of this stuff click into place.
posted by Sara C. at 10:38 AM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Re my last paragraph, I realized that I misread your question and thought you were looking for reading material for your mom, when really you're looking for reading material for yourself, to help you process all this. You should definitely read Sisterhood Is Powerful!
posted by Sara C. at 10:41 AM on June 27, 2013
posted by Sara C. at 10:41 AM on June 27, 2013
I think the Feminine Mystique is generally very helpful, and would be especially so in your case as it analyzes the lives of women who sacrifice their happiness to be housewives and nurturers, and why this model is frequently dissatisfying for modern women.
Something I've learned through therapy (which I'd also recommend, to deal with these feelings of simmering resentment) is that the patterns of my family are only going to change if I change them. This might mean speaking up more, which is a scary prospect. But your feelings are valid and important. It's okay to say, "You know, Mom, when you didn't call me on my birthday it made me feel very hurt." You might never radically alter your mother's general feelings about gender roles, but you can make it clear that her behavior impacts you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:42 AM on June 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Something I've learned through therapy (which I'd also recommend, to deal with these feelings of simmering resentment) is that the patterns of my family are only going to change if I change them. This might mean speaking up more, which is a scary prospect. But your feelings are valid and important. It's okay to say, "You know, Mom, when you didn't call me on my birthday it made me feel very hurt." You might never radically alter your mother's general feelings about gender roles, but you can make it clear that her behavior impacts you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:42 AM on June 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
In my family, my mom is the worker--she's willing to do anything for anyone in our house, me (a woman) included. But she would end up doing more for my dad and my brother because they came to take this for granted--to the point where they come across as absolutely helpless.
Growing up, when I lived at home, if my mom were too busy with one thing, she would ask me to help out. I didn't mind helping her out, but when it came to, "Can you make your brother a sandwich?" oh heck no! My brother is three years older than me, fully competent; he can make his own sandwich. I would tell my mom this, and her response would be, "Yeah, but he's a guy..." like this excused him from needing to make his own sandwich. I stood firm. My brother never made me a sandwich. And I never made him one, either.
Now my brother and I both live in our own homes, but he still lives in the same town as my parents. He's in his 30s. My mom still goes over to his house to clean and do his laundry. I live 1200 miles away, so I didn't realize the extent of all she does for him until recently. It probably wasn't very nice, but I sort of went ballistic. Her excuses were that "he's so busy with his job" and "if I don't do it, it won't get done." I tried telling her that he'll never grow up if she refuses to let him, and if he wants a clean house, he can learn to do it himself. I've given her this lecture repeatedly. She still cleans his house.
Sometimes you can't reason with them.
But have you TOLD your mom about how she makes you feel? Do you point it out to her when she does it? She may not be aware.
It's good that YOU realize you are not a lesser person, because it's true: you're not.
And this indirectly answers your question about readings, but maybe you could try only reading books written by women (be they specifically feminist or not, or listening to music by women, watching films written and directed by women, etc.). For a period (a month, two months, a year) cut out as much art by men as you can, so you can see: wow, women are capable of amazing, amazing things. Maybe try creating yourself, too, so you can see that you are capable of amazing, amazing things. And maybe you can get your mom to read/listen/watch some too.
posted by dearwassily at 10:50 AM on June 27, 2013 [9 favorites]
Growing up, when I lived at home, if my mom were too busy with one thing, she would ask me to help out. I didn't mind helping her out, but when it came to, "Can you make your brother a sandwich?" oh heck no! My brother is three years older than me, fully competent; he can make his own sandwich. I would tell my mom this, and her response would be, "Yeah, but he's a guy..." like this excused him from needing to make his own sandwich. I stood firm. My brother never made me a sandwich. And I never made him one, either.
Now my brother and I both live in our own homes, but he still lives in the same town as my parents. He's in his 30s. My mom still goes over to his house to clean and do his laundry. I live 1200 miles away, so I didn't realize the extent of all she does for him until recently. It probably wasn't very nice, but I sort of went ballistic. Her excuses were that "he's so busy with his job" and "if I don't do it, it won't get done." I tried telling her that he'll never grow up if she refuses to let him, and if he wants a clean house, he can learn to do it himself. I've given her this lecture repeatedly. She still cleans his house.
Sometimes you can't reason with them.
But have you TOLD your mom about how she makes you feel? Do you point it out to her when she does it? She may not be aware.
It's good that YOU realize you are not a lesser person, because it's true: you're not.
And this indirectly answers your question about readings, but maybe you could try only reading books written by women (be they specifically feminist or not, or listening to music by women, watching films written and directed by women, etc.). For a period (a month, two months, a year) cut out as much art by men as you can, so you can see: wow, women are capable of amazing, amazing things. Maybe try creating yourself, too, so you can see that you are capable of amazing, amazing things. And maybe you can get your mom to read/listen/watch some too.
posted by dearwassily at 10:50 AM on June 27, 2013 [9 favorites]
I am in a similar situation in some ways, and what helped me a lot was to get to know real life women who are kicking ass and taking names.
I always knew theoretically that women can have high powered jobs and men can stay home to look after kids. But I didn't know that women can wear dresses AND be pretty AND have high powered jobs if they want. I had no idea that women can have kids without somehow fading from view in society and becoming a one dimensional nobody, or without half-assing both child-rearing and a career at the same time.
I did not learn these things as a kid, but I did learn them as an adult from the cool ladies I have met.
posted by emilyw at 10:53 AM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I always knew theoretically that women can have high powered jobs and men can stay home to look after kids. But I didn't know that women can wear dresses AND be pretty AND have high powered jobs if they want. I had no idea that women can have kids without somehow fading from view in society and becoming a one dimensional nobody, or without half-assing both child-rearing and a career at the same time.
I did not learn these things as a kid, but I did learn them as an adult from the cool ladies I have met.
posted by emilyw at 10:53 AM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Be a Girl Scout troop leader.
I actually grew up in a pretty feminist home, but my grandma and occasionally my mom can both be really (really) hurtful and awful in other ways. And I definitely received a lot of sexist bullshit from places outside of my own family as a kid. And I know that other girls get it a lot worse.
One of the things I want to make sure is that my kids (who do not exist yet) grow up with as little of that as possible. Since I don't have any and won't for a while, I started a Girl Scout troop.
Every meeting, I get to hang out with a bunch of little girls. I get to talk to them about things that aren't clothes or boys, I get to teach them skills they can use to rely on themselves instead of others, and I get to praise them for the things that they think and do and say instead of for the way that they look. It's awesome and it's a great outlet for all the reassurance and acceptance I needed but didn't get when I was little.
You can't change your mom, but you can certainly be a positive feminist influence in the life of a little girl who might have a mom like yours.
RELATED: IF YOU ARE IN CHICAGO, I COULD USE A CO-LEADER.
posted by phunniemee at 11:08 AM on June 27, 2013 [30 favorites]
I actually grew up in a pretty feminist home, but my grandma and occasionally my mom can both be really (really) hurtful and awful in other ways. And I definitely received a lot of sexist bullshit from places outside of my own family as a kid. And I know that other girls get it a lot worse.
One of the things I want to make sure is that my kids (who do not exist yet) grow up with as little of that as possible. Since I don't have any and won't for a while, I started a Girl Scout troop.
Every meeting, I get to hang out with a bunch of little girls. I get to talk to them about things that aren't clothes or boys, I get to teach them skills they can use to rely on themselves instead of others, and I get to praise them for the things that they think and do and say instead of for the way that they look. It's awesome and it's a great outlet for all the reassurance and acceptance I needed but didn't get when I was little.
You can't change your mom, but you can certainly be a positive feminist influence in the life of a little girl who might have a mom like yours.
RELATED: IF YOU ARE IN CHICAGO, I COULD USE A CO-LEADER.
posted by phunniemee at 11:08 AM on June 27, 2013 [30 favorites]
Yes! Waves from across the Internet! And I went to a women's college, graduating with all sorts of change the world ideas about what women are capable of and it was hugely frustrating my Mom was not necessarily on board for these things. She holds some of the same attitudes you mention, and treats men differently than women in the family. She also openly judges women who are not at home with their kids full time. I often wonder how she lived through the publication of the Feminine Mystique.
Like PhoB, I found therapy really helpful for this issue, as I was well on my way to an adulthood of simmering resentment. We are all products of our time, our experiences, our education, and so are our Moms. In many cases you'll find these attitudes come from even further back (grandparents, and even great-grandparents), as I found with my Mom. Again like PhoBWan said, it's great to get to a place where you can constructively say "you're being ridiculous," but it does take time and coming up with some talking points.
posted by greenbean at 11:08 AM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Like PhoB, I found therapy really helpful for this issue, as I was well on my way to an adulthood of simmering resentment. We are all products of our time, our experiences, our education, and so are our Moms. In many cases you'll find these attitudes come from even further back (grandparents, and even great-grandparents), as I found with my Mom. Again like PhoBWan said, it's great to get to a place where you can constructively say "you're being ridiculous," but it does take time and coming up with some talking points.
posted by greenbean at 11:08 AM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, my mom recently got out of a situation where she had been semi-coerced into putting her own feelings and choices second for a very long time. We had not talked directly about this very much, but I have always talked about other feminist subjects with her and sometimes we ranted about other types of sexism I encountered. She told me afterward that the fact that I was aware of and vocal about the sometimes screwed-up forces that exert pressure on women to behave in certain ways was helpful and hopeful as she began to realize how constricted she was.
So yeah, talk to your mom. Maybe not about her problems, but sometimes just letting someone know that other people feel sexist pressure to makes them realize it's nothing wrong with them, it's something wrong with society.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:09 AM on June 27, 2013
So yeah, talk to your mom. Maybe not about her problems, but sometimes just letting someone know that other people feel sexist pressure to makes them realize it's nothing wrong with them, it's something wrong with society.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:09 AM on June 27, 2013
Read Our Bodies, Ourselves and Ms. and Bitch magazines.
posted by brujita at 11:11 AM on June 27, 2013
posted by brujita at 11:11 AM on June 27, 2013
Hi!
I graduated high school in 1980. My mom worked throughout my childhood, but you can't help but absorb all those messages, even if they weren't drilled into your head specifically.
I thought The Second Shift was a great illustration of the inequities between Men and Women within a family environment. I find myself thinking in terms of getting "help with the housework" from Husbunny, as though HE'S DOING ME A FAVOR! Also, his mom waited on him hand and foot, so...you know...yeah, I have dishpan hands.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:11 AM on June 27, 2013
I graduated high school in 1980. My mom worked throughout my childhood, but you can't help but absorb all those messages, even if they weren't drilled into your head specifically.
I thought The Second Shift was a great illustration of the inequities between Men and Women within a family environment. I find myself thinking in terms of getting "help with the housework" from Husbunny, as though HE'S DOING ME A FAVOR! Also, his mom waited on him hand and foot, so...you know...yeah, I have dishpan hands.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:11 AM on June 27, 2013
Hi, graduated high school in '74. My mother was like a Rat Pack glamour girl sidekick type. Wise-cracking, smart, funny, beautiful, energetic. She married my dad and tried to morph that into a suburban mom persona, and she didn't work outside the home. My parents were very happily married, but I always knew my mother was unfulfilled (and so did she). She was also very invested in wanting me to be like her -- supported by a man, stay-at-home mom, full-time wife. I could never figure it out. Even from a common sense perspective -- let alone feminist -- why expend so much energy protecting a broken paradigm? It was all she knew. Her role was critical to her identity. It was all she knew and it equalled Love and Home.
I got divorced because, good daughter that I was, I gave control of the finances and the career niche to my ex, who really wasn't terribly good at that role. And as much as I was frustrated by my mother's role and self-imposed limitations when I was young, I did exactly the same thing without even realizing it! It took me until only the last ten years to figure out how to really support myself, how to concentrate on my own business capabilities, my own creativity, and how to enjoy being single again.
I guess what I am saying is first of all, brilliant question. And then, maybe, hack away the brush and make your own path, but have empathy and compassion for your mom. It's not easy to own yourself when you've never had that model. But it is WONDERFUL when you claim it, I promise. (I'm now novel-writing, career-wrangling, learning from my own daughters how to be independent!)
posted by thinkpiece at 11:23 AM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I got divorced because, good daughter that I was, I gave control of the finances and the career niche to my ex, who really wasn't terribly good at that role. And as much as I was frustrated by my mother's role and self-imposed limitations when I was young, I did exactly the same thing without even realizing it! It took me until only the last ten years to figure out how to really support myself, how to concentrate on my own business capabilities, my own creativity, and how to enjoy being single again.
I guess what I am saying is first of all, brilliant question. And then, maybe, hack away the brush and make your own path, but have empathy and compassion for your mom. It's not easy to own yourself when you've never had that model. But it is WONDERFUL when you claim it, I promise. (I'm now novel-writing, career-wrangling, learning from my own daughters how to be independent!)
posted by thinkpiece at 11:23 AM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
It helped me to understand more of the historical context. I liked "More work for mother," which details 300 years of the history of housework and cleaning technology and how it shifted work in the house from men to women in order to free up male labor for paid work.
Also, on average, women outlive men in spite of typically being a lot poorer. So I have examined quality of life issues and concluded men aren't really all that well off. My sister and I used to talk about how both men and women are shortchanged by the current situation.
Knowing more history and how this developed as part of "sexual morality" in a world where money was scarce and birth control nearly nonexistent helped me view it in less toxic terms. It helped me view it more as something adapted to the realities of another era rather than just mysogynistic and hateful. Historically, a woman who had a baby out of wedlock was typically doomed to a fate worse than death as was her child (the exception being the mistress of a wealthy, powerful man who might even acknowledge the child). So a lot of the cultural norms were intended to avert that outcome, which is in some sense a way to care about the welfare of women.
I have thought long and hard about the ways in which this stuff is complexly bound up with the reality that women carry babies, men do not and a baby is a large, long term burden. I think that has to be understood and accounted for in ways that a lot of feminist ideals fail to address at all. European women have aimed for more help with their burden of having and raising kids. American women have tended towards embracing the American political ideal of "Don't tread on me!" We tend to take the position that I can compete with a man just fine if you will get the fuck out of my way. This works okay if you are celibate/gay and childless. It tends to not work so well once you are involved with a man or get pregnant. European women have generally seen more real gains in closing the wage gap, etc. The differences are enlightening.
There are books and articles about the differences between Europe and the U.S. I cannot think of titles but I think it is great to keep your eye out for such.
I also previously said this in response to a request for book revommendations on the topic.
Best.
posted by Michele in California at 11:36 AM on June 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Also, on average, women outlive men in spite of typically being a lot poorer. So I have examined quality of life issues and concluded men aren't really all that well off. My sister and I used to talk about how both men and women are shortchanged by the current situation.
Knowing more history and how this developed as part of "sexual morality" in a world where money was scarce and birth control nearly nonexistent helped me view it in less toxic terms. It helped me view it more as something adapted to the realities of another era rather than just mysogynistic and hateful. Historically, a woman who had a baby out of wedlock was typically doomed to a fate worse than death as was her child (the exception being the mistress of a wealthy, powerful man who might even acknowledge the child). So a lot of the cultural norms were intended to avert that outcome, which is in some sense a way to care about the welfare of women.
I have thought long and hard about the ways in which this stuff is complexly bound up with the reality that women carry babies, men do not and a baby is a large, long term burden. I think that has to be understood and accounted for in ways that a lot of feminist ideals fail to address at all. European women have aimed for more help with their burden of having and raising kids. American women have tended towards embracing the American political ideal of "Don't tread on me!" We tend to take the position that I can compete with a man just fine if you will get the fuck out of my way. This works okay if you are celibate/gay and childless. It tends to not work so well once you are involved with a man or get pregnant. European women have generally seen more real gains in closing the wage gap, etc. The differences are enlightening.
There are books and articles about the differences between Europe and the U.S. I cannot think of titles but I think it is great to keep your eye out for such.
I also previously said this in response to a request for book revommendations on the topic.
Best.
posted by Michele in California at 11:36 AM on June 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Stephanie Coontz has some great books out - I think "Marriage, A History" would be a good starting point for you to understand where your mom might be coming from, especially understanding why, in her mind, sons must be pampered and catered to. It also touches on a lot of what Michele in CA wrote, above.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:41 AM on June 27, 2013
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 11:41 AM on June 27, 2013
Definitely seconding a conscious effort to noticing women around you who are kicking ass. It goes a long way to working against the pernicious "not seeing women for who they are" lessons that are inculcated.
I was both very lucky and very unlucky; my mother and her mother were anti-feminists (and openly so); my mother made no bones about my worthlessness as a woman. The "lucky" part came in that I had awesome paternal grandparents, a kick-ass great-grandmother, and amazing teachers, both women and men. My paternal grandparents married for love; my grandfather had been a motorcycle-driving, cigarette-smoking rebel set for an arranged marriage until the day he spied my grandmother. He quit smoking, sold his motorcycle, called off the other engagement, burned bridges with his family over it, married my grandma, and they lived happily together until his death 60-odd years later. A big reason he fell so hard for her was her independence: she worked, and said she always would; she wanted him to pull his weight around the house and with the kids. And he did, and always expressed how grateful he was to her for it. How much closer their family was for her strength and her encouraging him to be a better person. (Their side of the family was indeed close, apart from my father, but that's a very long tangent.) It's a huge reason I have zero patience whatsoever for the societal trope of "nagging woman". My grandmother would have fit that trope, but my grandfather saw her "nagging" as the valued opinion of his beloved, and so it became "advice" that changed his life for the better. As it should be between adults. They were a team, not a hierarchical organization. He also adored her spirit; I still have warm memories of them yelling "GODDAMMIT" at each other because it was one way they said "I love you". There was no contempt, no power struggle, no resentment. They yelled because they felt like yelling, and knew they were safe venting their frustration with each other. It always ended up in laughter. (One reason I remember it so clearly and warmly is that it was such a different sensation from my parents' fights, which all had contempt and power struggle at their core.)
Then there was my great-grandma, who became even more of a personal hero to me recently when I discovered she'd raised her gaggle of children in Great Depression Iowa and Oregon while married to a violent drunkard of a husband. She had studied math in school, defying her family to do so; had some college studies, though I never knew exactly what. She married her husband for love; her family disowned her for going against their wishes, and she found herself alone to deal with him and their kids when his bad side surfaced. She always, always told me to follow what I loved in school, and to ignore anyone who said women couldn't do something just because they're a woman.
Look around you for women who speak their mind, who follow their hearts. They're your role models. The more you look for them, the more you'll find.
posted by fraula at 11:44 AM on June 27, 2013 [14 favorites]
I was both very lucky and very unlucky; my mother and her mother were anti-feminists (and openly so); my mother made no bones about my worthlessness as a woman. The "lucky" part came in that I had awesome paternal grandparents, a kick-ass great-grandmother, and amazing teachers, both women and men. My paternal grandparents married for love; my grandfather had been a motorcycle-driving, cigarette-smoking rebel set for an arranged marriage until the day he spied my grandmother. He quit smoking, sold his motorcycle, called off the other engagement, burned bridges with his family over it, married my grandma, and they lived happily together until his death 60-odd years later. A big reason he fell so hard for her was her independence: she worked, and said she always would; she wanted him to pull his weight around the house and with the kids. And he did, and always expressed how grateful he was to her for it. How much closer their family was for her strength and her encouraging him to be a better person. (Their side of the family was indeed close, apart from my father, but that's a very long tangent.) It's a huge reason I have zero patience whatsoever for the societal trope of "nagging woman". My grandmother would have fit that trope, but my grandfather saw her "nagging" as the valued opinion of his beloved, and so it became "advice" that changed his life for the better. As it should be between adults. They were a team, not a hierarchical organization. He also adored her spirit; I still have warm memories of them yelling "GODDAMMIT" at each other because it was one way they said "I love you". There was no contempt, no power struggle, no resentment. They yelled because they felt like yelling, and knew they were safe venting their frustration with each other. It always ended up in laughter. (One reason I remember it so clearly and warmly is that it was such a different sensation from my parents' fights, which all had contempt and power struggle at their core.)
Then there was my great-grandma, who became even more of a personal hero to me recently when I discovered she'd raised her gaggle of children in Great Depression Iowa and Oregon while married to a violent drunkard of a husband. She had studied math in school, defying her family to do so; had some college studies, though I never knew exactly what. She married her husband for love; her family disowned her for going against their wishes, and she found herself alone to deal with him and their kids when his bad side surfaced. She always, always told me to follow what I loved in school, and to ignore anyone who said women couldn't do something just because they're a woman.
Look around you for women who speak their mind, who follow their hearts. They're your role models. The more you look for them, the more you'll find.
posted by fraula at 11:44 AM on June 27, 2013 [14 favorites]
You might be able to find a Coursera or EdX course on something relevant, and if she's social this can be wonderful for her. I just looked on Coursera and found "Women and the Civil Rights Movement", but no sessions are scheduled right now.
They also have a course on something like thinking and arguing - at least, if you both took that, you guys could have interesting discussions :)
posted by amtho at 11:51 AM on June 27, 2013
They also have a course on something like thinking and arguing - at least, if you both took that, you guys could have interesting discussions :)
posted by amtho at 11:51 AM on June 27, 2013
The World Split Open by Ruth Rosen
Perhaps more of an upper level course than Feminism 101, but The Second Wave: A Reader in Feminist Theory also contains a lot of great essays that might be jumping off points for you.
I don't have a sexist mom or grandma, but in dealing with people like that I try to remember that they were raised in an environment that drilled the messages that women are inferior and should be subordinate until they believed this to be true. Your mom, in essence, is a product of the sexist environment that raised her.
Some reading about good old-fashioned consciousness raising might be interesting to you, particularly how it was used by second-wave feminists.
posted by inertia at 12:43 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Perhaps more of an upper level course than Feminism 101, but The Second Wave: A Reader in Feminist Theory also contains a lot of great essays that might be jumping off points for you.
I don't have a sexist mom or grandma, but in dealing with people like that I try to remember that they were raised in an environment that drilled the messages that women are inferior and should be subordinate until they believed this to be true. Your mom, in essence, is a product of the sexist environment that raised her.
Some reading about good old-fashioned consciousness raising might be interesting to you, particularly how it was used by second-wave feminists.
posted by inertia at 12:43 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can definitely relate to this. My mom considers herself a feminist because she worked while raising children and wouldn't tolerate physical abuse. Meanwhile, she's basically a maid/cook/servant to my dad and brother (among other very conservative beliefs). At best, it's irritating to me, at worst it's heartbreaking. There's not much I can do to change it, and like your mom, mine seems perfectly content and is a lovely woman. It does become personally hurtful though when she bonds more with my sister-in-law and criticizes my life choices - not in a mean way, just in a "this doesn't compute" way. My sister-in-law fits the mold of what she understands to be a happy, fulfilled woman (living near her parents and mine, former kindergarten teacher, current stay at home mom w/ infant, gushes when my brother "treats" her to a gift from Tiffany's because she's "so lucky"). My mom doesn't do it to hurt me or pressure me to change, she just doesn't get my life or understand that I'm not somehow fooling myself into thinking I'm happy when I'm not.
Ironically, one recent book I liked was Bringing Up Bebe - it gave an different perspective on child rearing and what it means to be a woman. I liked it because the French women discussed in the book seem to skate this middle ground between my mom's definition of womanhood and mine - a middle ground I didn't think existed (and in my opinion doesn't easily exist in America). Not that I necessarily want to occupy this middle ground, but knowing that there's a spectrum and not everything has to be this intense push away from slipping into my mother's existence was cathartic. YMMV.
Another approach that has helped is that I started thinking of my mom the way I think of people unable to break drug addiction or leave an abusive relationship (having had friends in both of these situations) -- although her case is not physically dangerous like those situations are, my role is limited in the same way: I can't force her to change her ways, I can't force her to want or demand different treatment from my dad, the most I can do is make it clear that I don't approve, but that I love her and I'll be there if she ever wants to change or learn. And I treat her with the respect that I think she should demand for herself.
posted by melissasaurus at 1:08 PM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ironically, one recent book I liked was Bringing Up Bebe - it gave an different perspective on child rearing and what it means to be a woman. I liked it because the French women discussed in the book seem to skate this middle ground between my mom's definition of womanhood and mine - a middle ground I didn't think existed (and in my opinion doesn't easily exist in America). Not that I necessarily want to occupy this middle ground, but knowing that there's a spectrum and not everything has to be this intense push away from slipping into my mother's existence was cathartic. YMMV.
Another approach that has helped is that I started thinking of my mom the way I think of people unable to break drug addiction or leave an abusive relationship (having had friends in both of these situations) -- although her case is not physically dangerous like those situations are, my role is limited in the same way: I can't force her to change her ways, I can't force her to want or demand different treatment from my dad, the most I can do is make it clear that I don't approve, but that I love her and I'll be there if she ever wants to change or learn. And I treat her with the respect that I think she should demand for herself.
posted by melissasaurus at 1:08 PM on June 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think a lot of the books being recommended might be perceived by your mother as very strident and "too political" or "too feminist."
I would really recommend Composing A Life and Composing a Further Life by Mary Catherine Bateson.
Both of these books really look at a variety of women from working artists, executives, stay at home moms and how they've...composed lives of individuality and dignity that are fulfilling personally and professionally. They are concerned with feminist issues without being so overtly political that your mom will feel like she's being lectured at or chastised.
posted by brookeb at 1:12 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would really recommend Composing A Life and Composing a Further Life by Mary Catherine Bateson.
Both of these books really look at a variety of women from working artists, executives, stay at home moms and how they've...composed lives of individuality and dignity that are fulfilling personally and professionally. They are concerned with feminist issues without being so overtly political that your mom will feel like she's being lectured at or chastised.
posted by brookeb at 1:12 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
While your mom may be behind the times when it comes to modern roles for women in society, I think this goes WAY beyond that if your own mother is blowing off your birthday. That's just bizarre.
posted by Fukiyama at 2:09 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Fukiyama at 2:09 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Feministing has a "Feminism 101" post that for reasons (mostly a cat who's lying on my boobs) I cannot google-fu into existence just this moment. But that is a good starting blog. And funny. Which is needed, because as you know, this shit is frustrating.
I don't have a great, fail-safe solution for those times when my mom gets Man-Centric Tunnel Vision. Or, for that matter, those times when I do. But you should definitely make it a goal to speak to her about it when it happens. If she ignores your birthday, don't make it an issue of "why do you remember Boy birthdays and not Girl birthdays?" Just say "hey, you know, I'm your child, and when you ignore my birthday it really hurts my feelings."
In my case it manifests more in my mom just not being interested in much about my life except men/dating. And honestly, I kind of get it--there's not a whole lot about my world that she identifies with, but she sure as heck identifies with how much it sucks to be dating, because she's in the thick of it too. So I try to gently redirect. I talk a lot about my OTHER friends, not just my boyfriend. I talk a lot about my work and try to be persistent in asking about HER work, and HER friends. I don't delude myself that I'm undoing decades of FIND A MAN drilled into her by her own mom and the culture, but it helps a bit day-to-day.
posted by like_a_friend at 2:19 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't have a great, fail-safe solution for those times when my mom gets Man-Centric Tunnel Vision. Or, for that matter, those times when I do. But you should definitely make it a goal to speak to her about it when it happens. If she ignores your birthday, don't make it an issue of "why do you remember Boy birthdays and not Girl birthdays?" Just say "hey, you know, I'm your child, and when you ignore my birthday it really hurts my feelings."
In my case it manifests more in my mom just not being interested in much about my life except men/dating. And honestly, I kind of get it--there's not a whole lot about my world that she identifies with, but she sure as heck identifies with how much it sucks to be dating, because she's in the thick of it too. So I try to gently redirect. I talk a lot about my OTHER friends, not just my boyfriend. I talk a lot about my work and try to be persistent in asking about HER work, and HER friends. I don't delude myself that I'm undoing decades of FIND A MAN drilled into her by her own mom and the culture, but it helps a bit day-to-day.
posted by like_a_friend at 2:19 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
This doesn't address reading material, but the hurt feelings when Mom prioritizes coddling the boyfriend over you. I think it's an expression of love, in a weird way.
For her, having a man to protect you and care for you -- that's paramount. Thinking you might be alone and unprotected some day is, for her, a tragedy.
And so, when she's making him cookies or calling on his birthday, she's not doing it because she thinks he's so great. She's doing it for you. She's saying 'please, please stay with the daughter I love. I can't give her what I imagine you can give her in this world, so please, please stay.'
It's all based on a completely incorrect premise, which may be infuriating, but at least within that topsy-turvy world, it's a loving gesture toward you.
posted by Ausamor at 2:22 PM on June 27, 2013
For her, having a man to protect you and care for you -- that's paramount. Thinking you might be alone and unprotected some day is, for her, a tragedy.
And so, when she's making him cookies or calling on his birthday, she's not doing it because she thinks he's so great. She's doing it for you. She's saying 'please, please stay with the daughter I love. I can't give her what I imagine you can give her in this world, so please, please stay.'
It's all based on a completely incorrect premise, which may be infuriating, but at least within that topsy-turvy world, it's a loving gesture toward you.
posted by Ausamor at 2:22 PM on June 27, 2013
One of the messages from the feminism of the 1970s was The personal is political. I'll bet your Mom would be pissed if you got paid less than a man, which you do. Express your frustration and disgust with the unfairness. Talk to your Mom about what women's roles were like for her, growing up, making choices about education, getting married. Ask her to tell you what she remembers about her Mom's and her grandmother's choices - your grandmother may not have been able to vote, since women weren't enfranchised until 1920 (just a few years before my Mom was born). Talk to her about her value and how her 'woman's work' is economically valuable.
It's annoying when she thinks your brothers should watch the game, and you and your sisters should make pies and do dishes on holidays, or that she expects your brother to fix the lamp, when you've done it before and he hasn't, etc., but I suspect she won't read much feminist literature. Watch movies with her, like Norma Rae, Silkwood, Thelma and Louise, Fried Green Tomatoes. If you can find books she'd like that aren't sexist, keep sending them to her. I think she's most likely to embrace feminism as it affects her daughter.
You have every right to feel bad about her missing your birthday and fussing over your bf. Next time you see her, it's okay to say Hey, that hurt my feelings, but go easy on her, it gets easier and easier to be forgetful.
posted by theora55 at 3:02 PM on June 27, 2013
It's annoying when she thinks your brothers should watch the game, and you and your sisters should make pies and do dishes on holidays, or that she expects your brother to fix the lamp, when you've done it before and he hasn't, etc., but I suspect she won't read much feminist literature. Watch movies with her, like Norma Rae, Silkwood, Thelma and Louise, Fried Green Tomatoes. If you can find books she'd like that aren't sexist, keep sending them to her. I think she's most likely to embrace feminism as it affects her daughter.
You have every right to feel bad about her missing your birthday and fussing over your bf. Next time you see her, it's okay to say Hey, that hurt my feelings, but go easy on her, it gets easier and easier to be forgetful.
posted by theora55 at 3:02 PM on June 27, 2013
My mother is like that. She assumes that men will order for women at resturants, and that women love dolls and the color pink and shouldn't get into science and math, since they're not suited to it. I don't feel comfortable talking in detail, since its effected my sister much more than it has me.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:10 PM on June 27, 2013
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 5:10 PM on June 27, 2013
You don't say which generations you and your mother are, but my mother's a boomer (b. 1954) and I'm an x (b. 1976). The book that most opened my mother's eyes was The Second Shift, as Ruthless Bunny recommends. My mother always worked (she's a lawyer) yet still did all the housework plus baked bread and made a lot of our clothes. She would come home from work and not sit down until 11pm, while my dear old dad sat on his arse in front of the TV from the minute he walked in the door until he went to bed.
They are both different people now, and they are no longer together (they divorced when I was 21), and my mother is so much stronger and able to say no, this isn't fair (my father also does a lot more now, I should say!). Mum says that book really opened her eyes to the inequalities she thought were normal in a relationship. The first manifestation of change was that we got a cleaner (we could always afford it but mum saw it as her role as Wife and Mother and had internalised it) but she kept baking the bread and making the clothes, because those are her hobbies she really enjoys.
I don't know if having a son would have resulted in my mother taking a different path - she had two proud feminist daughters, because we saw how hard she worked and vowed our lives would be different, and they are.
posted by goo at 6:26 PM on June 27, 2013
They are both different people now, and they are no longer together (they divorced when I was 21), and my mother is so much stronger and able to say no, this isn't fair (my father also does a lot more now, I should say!). Mum says that book really opened her eyes to the inequalities she thought were normal in a relationship. The first manifestation of change was that we got a cleaner (we could always afford it but mum saw it as her role as Wife and Mother and had internalised it) but she kept baking the bread and making the clothes, because those are her hobbies she really enjoys.
I don't know if having a son would have resulted in my mother taking a different path - she had two proud feminist daughters, because we saw how hard she worked and vowed our lives would be different, and they are.
posted by goo at 6:26 PM on June 27, 2013
There appears to be an assumption in regard to the ignorance and social conditioning of those who don't fully embrace the feminist ideals of today. Personally, my belief system (across the board, but specifically as it relates to gender issues [in this particular instance]) differs from the majority despite the fact I'm quite well read and cognisant of the issues - categorising those who don't fully embrace the currently espoused belief system (again, as it specifically relates to feminism) as ignorant victims of a bygone era is arrogant and elitist. Culture is constantly shifting, so claiming, "absolute right" at any point in time is fallacious. My point is, some of us are neither ignorant nor victims...we simply don't completely agree with, "you".
posted by Nibiru at 8:34 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Nibiru at 8:34 PM on June 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
finally, a feminism 101 blog is a great place to learn, especially their faqs.
chances are you are too young to have this impact your thinking but i read how there is a disconnect for those of us who came of age after the women's revolution with moms who came of age before the women's revolution. a tension can develop because we grew up in different ages regarding issues of gender. that helps me have more compassion when i feel like my mom is being too much the martyr. my parents never treated me differently than they would have had i been a guy as far as i can tell, but my mom definitely does all that self-sacrificing stuff to an extreme.
posted by wildflower at 9:02 PM on June 27, 2013
chances are you are too young to have this impact your thinking but i read how there is a disconnect for those of us who came of age after the women's revolution with moms who came of age before the women's revolution. a tension can develop because we grew up in different ages regarding issues of gender. that helps me have more compassion when i feel like my mom is being too much the martyr. my parents never treated me differently than they would have had i been a guy as far as i can tell, but my mom definitely does all that self-sacrificing stuff to an extreme.
posted by wildflower at 9:02 PM on June 27, 2013
It may also help to read about other women who struggle with their relationship with their mothers. I recently read Alison Bechdel's Are You My Mother? which tackled this territory. The review I've linked to summarises more efficiently than I could, but leaves out the reason why I think it could be relevant: Bechdel's mother also preferences boys over girls, every time. The book is partly her attempt to understand why. It is intensely literary and therapy-driven, which can be very dry at times even if you have a smattering of psych background. However I found it also very insightful, even if there are no overall answers. Every woman is different. But I think it made me more sympathetic to my mother (whom I wouldn't describe as sexist per se but can be just as maddening as if she were).
posted by Athanassiel at 12:52 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Athanassiel at 12:52 AM on June 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Huge thanks to everyone who commented here. I'm grateful for your book recos, blogs, wiki pages, essays, coping strategies, personal suggestions, et al. The stories you shared gave me everything from warm fuzzies to goosebumps. I feel your support and our solidarity. It took me forever to get around to posting this question -- Now I'm so glad I did! I'll be rereading this thread for a long time, and I'm sure your words will help other people, too. I would love to respond individually to each commenter but I can't sit at this damn computer all day! So, please know I am truly grateful!!
posted by little_dog_laughing at 6:18 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by little_dog_laughing at 6:18 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Another bit of reading material is Cunt: A Declaration of Independence.
posted by Specklet at 7:58 AM on June 28, 2013
posted by Specklet at 7:58 AM on June 28, 2013
This might be a reach, but are you sure this is simple sexism at work with her? I have spent a lot of time reading about dysfunctional parents in general, and these parents' extreme sexist (or racist) remarks or behavior, while big problems in themselves, are sometimes symptomatic of personality disorders or worse. (Example: Grandmother yells out something racist at a restaurant for attention and to upset all the guests. The racism is certainly not okay, but the real issue is that she enjoys acting inappropriately to hurt her family.) Catering to your boyfriend as well as your brother while overlooking big things like your birthday sound really extreme, like she has long treated you as a scapegoat or has a personal grudge against you.
posted by ziggly at 11:39 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ziggly at 11:39 AM on June 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, in all seriousness, you might consider setting up a Tumblr and following some of the more prolific feminist blogs. There are a lot of great discussions happening there about feminism-- so much so that sometimes I feel like Tumblr is a more lively source of feminist theory than academia. If you want to go that route, memail me and I'll give you some suggestions.
posted by WidgetAlley at 10:25 AM on June 27, 2013 [5 favorites]