Wow, that's... a lot of moaning.

June 21, 2013 3:53 PM

My upstairs neighbors have, within the last week, begun having extremely noisy sex directly above my living room in the middle of the day.

I think they may have moved their bed? I'm working from home and it's both uncomfortable and beginning to get annoying. I also feel bad for them; I know I would be mortified if some stranger were listening to me having sex!

My question: what should I do about this? Should I do something? I'm inclined to just ignore it, apartment living being what it is, but maybe they would appreciate a gentle note. I've never spoken to these people and have no beef with them -- they're generally fairly quiet -- but I think all parties involved would prefer that I not be privy to every moment of their sexual encounters.

Alternately, I could just pull out all the stops. (I would not really do this!)

posted by baby beluga to Human Relations (29 answers total)

Broom handle to ceiling. Knock a few times. Let's them know you can hear, and it's annoying, doesn't let them know you've been hearing it for a week.
posted by philip-random at 4:06 PM on June 21, 2013 [7 favorites]

Is there anything else they do during the day that you can hear, like play loud music or do jumping jacks? If so, I'd use that as cover. They'll figure it out.

Go up in person, because notes have a very high risk of coming across as passive-aggressive. Mention that you work from home and acknowledge that it's an inconvenience to them to keep things down midday, and they might be more sympathetic.

Every time I've had loud-sexing neighbors, though, I've just laughed it off. It's usually over soon enough, and the only thing they gain from learning about their loudness is embarrassment.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:18 PM on June 21, 2013

I would write this off entirely. I've lived in several places in a part of town with lots of bars and drunks, and near a college. I'd probably be more annoyed by this if i was in a nice residential area, but would still write it off.

Why? Because it's in the middle of the day. I save noise complaints for the traditional trying to sleep night time.

It's the middle of the day, put on some music or something and just zone it out.
posted by emptythought at 4:24 PM on June 21, 2013 [22 favorites]

I say start playing music loud when it starts. They may not know anyone is home and that will give them a hint that someone can hear them.

Also, they may not care if they have loud sex. I had roommates who actually liked making everyone hear them/door open/windows open at night sort of thing. Really you need to make yourself more comfortable because it's not likely that someone will stop having loud sex.

Honestly, if someone told me to keep it down, during the day, in an apartment I would ignore them. (Unless of course it was like a blasting bass or something crazy!) It's one thing if it's 4 am, but it really is part of living in an apartment and it's during the day.

If it becomes a major problem, then can you talk to management "anonymously" and just say there are loud noises during the day? You also don't want them to be annoyed at you and be even louder out of spite.
posted by Crystalinne at 4:25 PM on June 21, 2013 [8 favorites]

Yeah, play some music to drown it out and leave it at that. If you can't have loud sex in your apartment during the day, you can't really have it at all.
posted by Jairus at 4:28 PM on June 21, 2013 [26 favorites]

If you want to tell them because you're embarrassed for them, I would skip it. You can't feel other peoples' emotions for them. They will either get more embarrassed, or they will enjoy the attention. Either way, not the outcome you want.

If you want to tell them because it annoys you, exhaust all other attempts to mask it first. Because yeah, apartment life.
posted by bleep at 4:31 PM on June 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

In my opinion, you should only make it known that you can hear them if you are uncomfortable with it. Don't try to put yourself in their...shoes. If it genuinely bothers you, you could push a note under their door, saying "Just FYI, walls are thin here and you should know that noise inside your apartment does travel." But consider that this is not as invasive as, for example, a loud stereo, which can go on and on at very high volume without the active participation of anyone in the apartment. Sex, even the best sex, even the loudest sex, isn't usually invasively loud for extended periods of time.

So if you're feeling embarrassed for them, let it go. And if you're feeling invaded, try weighing the actual effects vs whatever else might be going on for you.
posted by janey47 at 4:32 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

I work from home a lot, the house next door to me is being renovated, so there's been a lot of noise from that front. I think of it the same way. If it bugs me too much, I put in ear buds and crank the tunes a little more. Part of living close together is we can sometimes hear each other. They probably think they're being considerate by making noise mid-day rather than mid-night, and they're probably right...
posted by straw at 4:42 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks all, will carry on with ignoring.
posted by baby beluga at 4:46 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Seconding turning up the stereo. Also, repeated mid-day sex seems a little odd, are you sure it's not porno?
posted by 445supermag at 4:47 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

It sounds like maybe someone is having an affair?

If you wanted find a way to stop this altogether, that possibility really broadens your options.

If you want to continue to ignore, try headphones or eabuds. There are apps with soothing nature sounds and binaural beats that promote focus and concentration - GREAT for getting work done!
posted by jbenben at 5:05 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Closed headphones and white noise. It's awkward, but better than hearing them in the middle of the night (don't get me started on that...).
posted by curagea at 5:18 PM on June 21, 2013

It doesn't necessarily have to be an affair. Maybe a "special someone" is visiting this week and things will go back to normal soon enough.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 5:20 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

I regularly enjoy (and how!) loud sex during the day. My upstairs neighbor at times would do thinks like loudly drop heavy things on the floor right above my bedroom, presumably to let us know she was home. I assure you that I am completely unembarrassed and I cared not one whit that she or others might have overheard.

As far as neighborliness--well, she and her boyfriend would have screaming fights late in the evening that were loud and clear in my unit and that would keep my kids awake. Perhaps my loud shenanigans were disturbing her peace, but I figure that stray noise is part of the deal in close quarters, and lord knows we got the fuzzy end of that lollipop.

Leave them alone. Earplugs or music. Or get inspired and make it an audio quartet!
posted by Lola Xaviera Boom-Boom McPuppet at 5:31 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Casually letting them know you hear it by turning the stereo up seems like a good way to start the process of dealing with it. If that subtle hint doesn't get the message through after a week or so, it isn't unreasonable to go upstairs (afterwards! In the evening! Not during!!!), knock, and let someone know it has become a little noisy during the day and would they mind keeping it down a bit?

I agree that stray noise is part of the deal in close quarters, but screaming matches of either the friendly or unfriendly sort go beyond the expected "stray noise" of apartment living. Construction, crying infants, and loud footsteps can be unavoidable, but some routines can be modified or modulated.
posted by maryr at 5:51 PM on June 21, 2013

Sorry you have to go through it, but this is pretty much the cost of living in an urban area. Like, consider if you had occasion to have awesome loud sex in the middle of the day. And you posted to ask.me about feeling bad that your neighbors could hear. Can you imagine the advice you'd get (all completely reasonable), about not repressing yourself, and how you deserve to have pleasure, and how you have to decide whether you're going to limit your sexual fulfillment simply in order not to offend other people for like what 20 minutes?

Consider your current noble suffering to be paying it forward for the next time you have wild ass monkey sex that shakes the building.
posted by danny the boy at 6:43 PM on June 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

Get decent headphones. My dear friends (and former roommates) would be very loud in the middle of the day. I was just grateful they were screwing and not fighting, like my former neighbours who would scream and bawl and try to hide it by running the vaccum. And next time you have a sexy visitor, feel free to raise the roof!
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:11 PM on June 21, 2013

Nthing the possibility that this could be a phase that will pass soon enough, and to ride it out.

In the meantime, the thin wall challenge videos may amuse.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:41 PM on June 21, 2013

Best answer: Change the name of your wifinetwork ID to "I CAN HEAR YOU HAVING SEX".
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 8:01 PM on June 21, 2013 [60 favorites]

Yeah. Social norms around this sort of thing varies. While you may think you're helping them save face, they may actually enjoy letting the entire neighborhood (and their mom*) know about their barnyard fetish. If it's in the middle of the day, you'll probably want to invest in white noise, be glad they're not waking you up, and let this one go.

(*I was so glad when that particular set of housemates moved out of my daughter's place. Dinners were awkward.)
posted by Space Kitty at 8:37 PM on June 21, 2013

I had this.

I printed out a copy of this Something Positive comic and taped it to their front door when I got tired enough of it.

They stopped.
posted by mephron at 1:07 AM on June 22, 2013 [6 favorites]

Are you sure all of this is taking place in person? I once moved into a place where I was so annoyed that the neighbors seemed to start having noisy sex every time I came home from work (like 6pm-ish) just because c'mon, I don't need to hear your business every freakin' night. Took me a few weeks to realize it was porn I was being treated to (ok, I was younger and more naive then!).

I'm not sure I would ignore it if I were trying to get work done everyday while listening to that racket. That all depends on your particular comfort level. But I might go upstairs and have a conversation about "yeah, I changed jobs and now I work from home, so I'm home all day..." Nothing too explicit, just neighborly chit-chat, but they should get the point.
posted by vignettist at 5:56 AM on June 22, 2013

Response by poster: It's definitely not porn. I can hear the mattress squeaking and the bed thumping against the floor. Three times in the last four hours! Impressive.
posted by baby beluga at 7:21 PM on June 22, 2013

Impressive.

Or sex trade worker.

But, yeah, during the day? Ignore. Super-duper early in the mornings or late at night? Confront.
posted by porpoise at 7:45 PM on June 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

A cheeky thing to do, maybe, would be to start clapping and cheering when they're done. (This is probably only do-able if you are certain that they wouldn't be able to figure out which apartment the cheering is coming from....)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:33 PM on June 23, 2013 [2 favorites]

philip-random: Broom handle to ceiling. Knock a few times. Let's them know you can hear, and it's annoying, doesn't let them know you've been hearing it for a week.

I object most strenuously. Really, if this is the sort of respect my people can expect here on the blue...
posted by IAmBroom at 11:30 PM on June 24, 2013 [2 favorites]

Note: Downstairs neighbours, mentioned during a party how often they had to use the broomstick over the last 6 months.
Thing is - the people upstairs had never, ever, noticed any broomstick thumping. Hilariously, downstairs were quite convinced that it was working, and that 'upstairs' were quieting down their sex after the thumping (it's like those studies where people think pressing the button controls the light, even when it doesn't).

My recommendation: Loud music.
posted by Elysum at 4:15 AM on July 28, 2013

Before this please write them a polite note asking to quiet down. This next part is a last resort.

Record them having sex. Tell them you did in a note and also say how you love listening to the recordings whenever you need a cheap laugh. One evil thought I had was to invite the person to a house party and play it, having your friends and you laugh as hard as you can at them. But you might not be the type the person to enjoy that, YMMV.

Or perhaps mix it up with the music suggestion and play their sessions right back at them loudly. So they hear. Reciprocation is golden.
posted by CyborgHag at 6:55 PM on September 4, 2013

If I could have one more comment one reason your post resonates strongly with me is the suggestion of loud music. For some people whose primary sense is hearing that suggestion would be the equivalent to telling someone to stare into a flashlight when there was something they could not avoid looking at. Torture. And all for some ill neighbour! Big hugs meester.
posted by CyborgHag at 7:10 PM on September 4, 2013