How do I get better at being in therapy?
June 21, 2013 2:51 PM Subscribe
I’ve got an appointment with a new therapist next week. I’m really excited, because wow do I have some things to work out, but I’m also wary because I’m crap at being in therapy. This new therapist seems to be a good fit, at least on paper and according to a recommendation I’ve gotten. Does anyone have any constructive ideas about how to be a good patient in therapy?
My previous therapist (the first individual therapist I've seen as an adult) moved out of the area, and I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with her after six months. I’ve got a really bad track record of monologuing my way through therapy sessions, avoiding any discussion about (what now feels to me like) ongoing anxiety and depression, never bringing up other important on-the-ground sorts of issues, and instead jumping five steps ahead of myself and self-diagnosing (usually in the least constructive way possible). Previous therapist either didn't recognize this, or didn't see it as a problem, and as a result, therapy has basically been no more useful than journaling, and I’ve gotten very little done. I don’t want to do this again.
I've been without therapy for six months, and the inside of my head has started to seem like a pretty terrible place to hang out. I'd like to get it right this time around. If it matters, I'm going because I'm trying to reconcile changes in my sexual identity with my current relationship. In addition to that more specific issue, I suspect I'm dealing with some sort of undiagnosed anxiety and/or depression.
My previous therapist (the first individual therapist I've seen as an adult) moved out of the area, and I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with her after six months. I’ve got a really bad track record of monologuing my way through therapy sessions, avoiding any discussion about (what now feels to me like) ongoing anxiety and depression, never bringing up other important on-the-ground sorts of issues, and instead jumping five steps ahead of myself and self-diagnosing (usually in the least constructive way possible). Previous therapist either didn't recognize this, or didn't see it as a problem, and as a result, therapy has basically been no more useful than journaling, and I’ve gotten very little done. I don’t want to do this again.
I've been without therapy for six months, and the inside of my head has started to seem like a pretty terrible place to hang out. I'd like to get it right this time around. If it matters, I'm going because I'm trying to reconcile changes in my sexual identity with my current relationship. In addition to that more specific issue, I suspect I'm dealing with some sort of undiagnosed anxiety and/or depression.
Tell your therapist about these specific concerns up front - during the first session, when you're navigating the whole "why did you come to see me?" portion of the opening.
Don't lie. If you are not yet at a place where you feel that you can talk honestly about a topic, acknowledge your feelings, say that you need a bit more time to process before you feel you can speak honestly, and take the time you need. But never lie.
Challenge yourself to be completely open with your therapist, even when you don't like what you have to say about yourself.
Sending positive thoughts your way. Good luck.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 3:05 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't lie. If you are not yet at a place where you feel that you can talk honestly about a topic, acknowledge your feelings, say that you need a bit more time to process before you feel you can speak honestly, and take the time you need. But never lie.
Challenge yourself to be completely open with your therapist, even when you don't like what you have to say about yourself.
Sending positive thoughts your way. Good luck.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 3:05 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Bring what you've written here and show it to your therapist. They can then see that they should help you work past monologuing, avoiding and self-diagnosing and help you work toward addressing your anxiety, depression and sexual identity concerns. Also, the type of therapy you are doing may need to be varied. If you're used to "tell me about your feelings" lying on the couch analysis stuff, maybe instead you need to do something more task/goal oriented with your therapist where you get an assignment to work on during the week and you report back. Showing your therapist what you've written here and having a discussion with them about what your goals are, what's worked and what hasn't worked in the past before diving right into the meat of it will help your therapist design a plan for you and help guide you when you might be straying off course. Good luck!
posted by macadamiaranch at 3:09 PM on June 21, 2013
posted by macadamiaranch at 3:09 PM on June 21, 2013
I think you are asking the wrong question. I would propose that instead, you ask: "How do I determine if a therapist is right for me?"
If you don't feel like you are getting anywhere with a therapist after 6 months, then they are not the one for you. It is the therapist's job to help you learn how to live a better life, ask questions that help you illuminate your self knowledge, and give you exercises and tools to use in your everyday life that will make a difference.
Some studies have shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is the only kind that has been shown to significantly change people's behavior. I recommend a one of those. If all you are doing is talking to the therapist, and they are nodding their head and saying, "And how did that make you feel?" then move on quickly!
A good therapist will not put up with monologuing without a point, and will not let you avoid the important issues. They know how to ask the questions that suddenly make you think, wow, I get it! That's why I do/feel/think that!
Remember, YOU determine whether your doctor is right for you, not they other way around. They are getting paid a lot of money to help you improve your life, and if you are trying, but they are not helping, find a new one. I've found that one has to try out 4 or 5 different ones to find one that truly cares about you and their job of helping you, and also fits with your needs and personality.
Best of luck!
posted by Arachnophile at 3:09 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you don't feel like you are getting anywhere with a therapist after 6 months, then they are not the one for you. It is the therapist's job to help you learn how to live a better life, ask questions that help you illuminate your self knowledge, and give you exercises and tools to use in your everyday life that will make a difference.
Some studies have shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is the only kind that has been shown to significantly change people's behavior. I recommend a one of those. If all you are doing is talking to the therapist, and they are nodding their head and saying, "And how did that make you feel?" then move on quickly!
A good therapist will not put up with monologuing without a point, and will not let you avoid the important issues. They know how to ask the questions that suddenly make you think, wow, I get it! That's why I do/feel/think that!
Remember, YOU determine whether your doctor is right for you, not they other way around. They are getting paid a lot of money to help you improve your life, and if you are trying, but they are not helping, find a new one. I've found that one has to try out 4 or 5 different ones to find one that truly cares about you and their job of helping you, and also fits with your needs and personality.
Best of luck!
posted by Arachnophile at 3:09 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
This comment from OmieWise has great information about how to get the most from therapy.
posted by jaguar at 3:26 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 3:26 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
What liketitanic said. Plus, my therapist noted once that he knew I had done therapy before because I showed up ready to work rather than showing up expecting him to have answers.
Remember: Therapists are only human too. They do not have some holy grail of Answers. I found it a lot more useful to hang out with folks who just liked sex and were comfortable with their sexuality than to cry on my therapist's shoulder about my sexual issues, though, admittedly, I didn't do that until some years after therapy so therapy may have been a necessary transition.
YMMV
posted by Michele in California at 3:33 PM on June 21, 2013
Remember: Therapists are only human too. They do not have some holy grail of Answers. I found it a lot more useful to hang out with folks who just liked sex and were comfortable with their sexuality than to cry on my therapist's shoulder about my sexual issues, though, admittedly, I didn't do that until some years after therapy so therapy may have been a necessary transition.
YMMV
posted by Michele in California at 3:33 PM on June 21, 2013
I agree with the posts above saying that you should discuss your concerns with the new therapist, just like you've written them here.
But in addition, I think it helps to deliberately avoid any preparation before therapy sessions. (Well, other than bringing up the concerns you've already mentioned in the first session.) Don't think about what you're going to say between appointments, or mentally put things away so you can work them out later. Just go in there and talk as spontaneously as you can, about whatever comes to mind. Don't try to guide or direct the session, or give a summary of what's happened since you saw them last. (Unless the therapist asks you about that.) Let them guide you.
posted by Kevin Street at 8:06 PM on June 21, 2013
But in addition, I think it helps to deliberately avoid any preparation before therapy sessions. (Well, other than bringing up the concerns you've already mentioned in the first session.) Don't think about what you're going to say between appointments, or mentally put things away so you can work them out later. Just go in there and talk as spontaneously as you can, about whatever comes to mind. Don't try to guide or direct the session, or give a summary of what's happened since you saw them last. (Unless the therapist asks you about that.) Let them guide you.
posted by Kevin Street at 8:06 PM on June 21, 2013
I think you are asking the wrong question. I would propose that instead, you ask: "How do I determine if a therapist is right for me?"
I could not agree more. The right therapist for you will help you navigate all the issues you note in your question above. Finding the right therapist is key.
(Not that other things can't also be important. Showing up ready to work, for example. Very key. Etc.)
posted by hapax_legomenon at 9:55 PM on June 21, 2013
I could not agree more. The right therapist for you will help you navigate all the issues you note in your question above. Finding the right therapist is key.
(Not that other things can't also be important. Showing up ready to work, for example. Very key. Etc.)
posted by hapax_legomenon at 9:55 PM on June 21, 2013
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Tell the therapist all of this! And ask them to please not let you monologue and to steer you towards addressing your issues. Tell them that you find it hard to talk about those things and would appreciate feedback.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:03 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]