Is this unprofessional conduct, or just being generous?

June 21, 2013 8:00 AM

Someone in a position of authority, whose professional endorsement I'm seeking, put me in an awkward position.

I'm a student who needs to do an internship for my graduate program. The person I was planning on interning for is very experienced within his field, and we met a few years back when I was attempting to make professional contacts. He's quite a bit older than me. I don't know him very well on a personal level at all - just in a professional capacity.

Following up on the tentative plans, I recently got in touch to ask him about his availability. He told me the time frame that would work, and then offered to let me stay in the second bedroom of his 2 bedroom townhouse. He was married at one point, and has a child who is my age. I got in touch with a friend of mine in that town who would allow me to stay with her, so I would not need to take his offer. I just feel a little conflicted about it. As someone who gives the benefit of the doubt to people, I don't always recognize shady stuff. I do get quite a bit of male attention because I'm kind, compliment people on their strengths, and take care of my appearance. However, I don't date much (marriage-minded, so I'm holding off) and have all female friends. Consequently, I do not have much experience with men and knowing what is normal.

It was unexpected, to say the least. What do you think of his actions? What is the appropriate response?

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (26 answers total)

I assume you've left out some part along the lines of "I live out of town, and told him I would need to arrange to come in and stay a few days?"

Based on the information you've written, this doesn't sound terribly weird or unprofessional.

But if, like, you live a couple miles away and he was offering you a second bedroom to stay in, then yeah, that's weird.

Doesn't seem like anyone's done anything wrong here.
posted by phunniemee at 8:06 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Maybe he's just being very nice. Maybe he's got bad motives. We can't possibly tell from the info you've given. But an easy way to get out of this is to just say, "Thanks so much for the kind offer but my housing is already arranged."
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:07 AM on June 21, 2013 [12 favorites]

I'd say it's not totally unheard of but you are right to be wary of it. BlahLaLa has the response down.
posted by grouse at 8:07 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

"What a generous offer. I already have other arrangements, however. Thank you anyway."

And just stow the information away until you learn whether he is lecherous, or generous. Could go either way at this point.
posted by China Grover at 8:07 AM on June 21, 2013 [13 favorites]

In my culture (sort of hippie-American) this is normal unless there is something else the guy has said or done that gives you creep vibes. Some people are just fairly open and sharing with their extra space and he may have thought he was doing you a favor. Others are less open in this way and would find this a bit weird. Just say "Thanks but I'm all set" and proceed as normal.
posted by jessamyn at 8:08 AM on June 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

Even if he was just being nice and fatherly, it would have been inappropriate for you to stay with him. Other people would view it in the worst light possible and your reputation would be tainted.
posted by myselfasme at 8:10 AM on June 21, 2013 [3 favorites]

Give him the benefit of the doubt and just say "Thanks but no thanks."
posted by trbrts at 8:17 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

I've offered similar for visiting-scholar situations just so that people know they have a friend in case their better plans fall through. Which is not to say that he might not be offering with ill intent, but I could imagine him basically thinking of helping out that kid who'll be in town for a few weeks and not thinking of how it might look.

If you don't take him up on it, it's a win/win. If he has good intentions, he will not be offended that you have different plans. If he has creepster intentions, you've set your boundaries already. Just thank him for the offer, and let him know that you have already made other living arrangements.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:24 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

This doesn't strike me as definitively unacceptable. It *might* have been an overture in hopes of a not-at-all-appropriate sexual relationship, but it might not have been, and nothing in the details you've provided tips it either way.

It isn't quite the same scenario, but when I was having difficulties arranging a hotel near my office when I was planning to be in town for some meetings, one of the offers that came up was that I could stay in my boss's boss's guest suite. So, if it helps to know that other people have been invited to stay in the homes of their superiors in business situations and there was definitely no creepy intent about it, I can offer that one example.

I don't know that it would be a good idea to live with your mentor/boss for the length of the internship -- could be stifling and prevent you from unwinding and force you to always be "on" for the boss -- but I wouldn't conclude that he necessarily had any prurient intent in inviting you. If you're the age of his kid, he may be just taking a fatherly sort of interest in ensuring you have a place to stay.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:30 AM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

absolutely no...dumb to accept and dumb to offer and dumb for any later work prospect at that place.
posted by Postroad at 8:40 AM on June 21, 2013 [3 favorites]

That's not awkward, just thank him for his kindness and explain you already have plans to hang with your friend.

Read nothing into it. But keep your eyes open.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:51 AM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Any man with any sense in his position would know this puts you in an awkward position. Dude is a creeper.
posted by Unified Theory at 9:03 AM on June 21, 2013 [5 favorites]

I think this was inappropriate of him to offer and would be a mistake for you to accept. This will just bring more even-more-awkward situations later on, both in the house and out of the house. "Thanks but my housing is arranged" would be a fine thing to say.
posted by bleep at 9:29 AM on June 21, 2013

I would just clarify that you've already arranged housing and move forward with the internship as if nothing was amiss. There's no real need to get all Downton Abbey about it.

That said if it were me I'd probably keep my eyes open during all of your interactions.
posted by Sara C. at 9:33 AM on June 21, 2013

IME, some men who are dads just do not understand that this kind of behavior is patently creepy and not kind and generous to the degree they think it is. My guess is that he figures it'd be nice for you to have his company and that of his similarly-aged child, but what he doesn't get is that to offer you, his female intern, a room in his house is to invite scorn and suspicion from everyone who finds out where you live right away. Decline cheerfully, and keep in mind that this lapse of judgment may manifest in other ways while you work with him.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:46 AM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Agree that his intentions were probably good, but he doesn't have the best judgement or boundaries. It is good that you are finding this out now so you can be a little extra-careful and professional from now on.
posted by rpfields at 10:07 AM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Agreed that this is a bad idea.

Even if he made the offer with the best of intentions, it mixes the personal and the professional to an extent that can only cause problems. I would expect someone of his age and experience to know this already.

Does it mean ulterior motives are afoot? Maybe not. I would plant a yellow flag in it and assume good faith until another yellow flag ticks up, at which point, reevaluate.

Meanwhile, you can't go wrong following BlahLaLa's script.
posted by tel3path at 10:53 AM on June 21, 2013

Unless there is more to this story, I don't think there is anything wrong with offering housing to short term academic or professional collaborators. I worked with a professor who had a constant stream of house guests who were affiliated with him and/or the department. When I travel for conferences I regularly am offered short term housing and have taken many up on it. It may just be my field, but I think this is rather common.

In some places, housing, particularly for a semester or season, is unbelievably expensive and this kind of offer could be the difference between accepting or declining the internship or research opportunity.
posted by gyusan at 11:01 AM on June 21, 2013 [6 favorites]

Yeah this is really normal in science. Every summer we end up with at least one seasonal person who needs a place for a week at one end of the season and I always offer my spare room. I have received similar offers myself too.
posted by fshgrl at 11:45 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't know how anyone can say definitively that this guy is a creeper from what you've written. In the town where I went to university, some of the new housing being built with professors in mind had attached rental units, with interns and grad students as the expected tenants. I wouldn't live with someone I was doing an internship for because I need my non-school space, but I don't think it is necessarily out of line for him to offer. If you're in physical or biological sciences where colleagues of various types are often out on research stations and that type of thing, professors and students are used to living together.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:12 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

You have not given enough info to draw a definitive conclusion. For all I know, he is gay. Previously married with child does not prove otherwise. Some gays get divorced as part of their coming out/coming to terms with "nope, I am not actually hetero, in spite of the enormous social pressure to pretend I am."

If you aren't comfortable, politely decline. But unless you left something out, don't assume you know what this means. That way lies very unnecessary trouble.
posted by Michele in California at 12:29 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Just because he made the offer doesn't automatically mean he's a creeper. He may well be naive, a little clueless, not immediately seeing or understanding how such an arrangement might look to outsiders. But I think BlahLaLa has the right idea. Thank him for the generous offer, and explain that other arrangements have been made. But please don't automatically assume from this one data point that the guy is a creeper. There is nothing at all here that indicates that.
posted by xedrik at 1:26 PM on June 21, 2013

Mod note: From the OP:

I left out the details he offered to pay for my accommodations when I first mentioned wanting to intern for him. He mentioned that he split with his wife a few months ago and is now living in a 2 bedroom apartment.

posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 4:43 PM on June 21, 2013

I left out the details he offered to pay for my accommodations when I first mentioned wanting to intern for him. He mentioned that he split with his wife a few months ago and is now living in a 2 bedroom apartment.

He mentioned that he "split from his wife"? Creeper vibe: confirmed.
posted by Unified Theory at 5:21 PM on June 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

You will regret this. If you are doing an internship, you have to be at your best. You don't want to be under that kind of pressure when you're at home, on your off hours. And someone who would offer this kind of 2-tiered relationship-- supervisor AND landlord-- would likely not have the ability to comprehend that. It will not end well.
posted by kettleoffish at 6:16 PM on June 21, 2013

In my academic circles it is absolutely non-weird for interns, visiting scholars, visiting students, and grad students who have just arrived in town to stay with their supervisor or with another academic from our department for a few weeks. Several even have a permanent boarding arrangement (paying rent and living in a spare room) with their supervisor or another senior department member. Often these academics have had children who have left home and they end up with several spare rooms in a large house, and the rental/short-term accommodation market here is pretty bad.

The staying-with-supervisor model is certainly more common when the student is the same gender as the supervisor and/or the supervisor is happily married. But it's not unheard of otherwise.

Your supervisor paying for your accommodation if you are doing an unpaid internship is also quite normal.

However, it is also fine to be uncomfortable with this arrangement and to refuse it.

I think him specifically mentioning the split from the wife could come across as a little creepy, but he might have actually have been being careful NOT to be creepy - i.e. warning you it would just be you and him in case you were expecting the wife to be around, and so that you could decide in advance whether you were uncomfortable rooming with a single guy.
posted by lollusc at 8:13 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]