Friend bailed on plans, what should i tell her?
June 16, 2013 9:52 AM Subscribe
How do you deal with a friend that bails on plans?
I've known my friend for 5 years now, we met a year after she started working at the same job. We became pretty good friends over the course of several years, we would always be together talking. Well, she had this habit of flaking on plans and coming up with some lame excuse about how she had to help her mom take out the trash or something.
Last year she moved to West Virginia (6 hours away) so we would keep in touch through tumblr messages and the occasional text. Last week she came to visit, she stayed with another friend and we all hung out Wednesday and then we had made plans weeks ago to have a movie night that Friday(her idea).
Well Friday rolls around and i never heard anything from her, i didn't text her to ask because that's usually what i do and i get tired of it so i figure she would just text me to tell me either way. Never did.
I got an email from her when she was back home telling me how sorry she was and how her friends parents left and they couldn't leave the dogs alone, and how they went by work to say hi to everyone (since she's moved away she's not seen them in awhile), then she said something about "stuff happened." This seems like a kind of lame excuse, but i don't know maybe it is legit. How hard would it have been to text or call and say "sorry i don't think it's going to work out today." It doesn't take but a couple of seconds to text.
I honestly just don't know what to say to her, i don't want to just say oh that's okay but at the same time i feel slightly silly getting upset over something like this.
Does anyone have friends like this? How do handle friends flaking on plans?
I've known my friend for 5 years now, we met a year after she started working at the same job. We became pretty good friends over the course of several years, we would always be together talking. Well, she had this habit of flaking on plans and coming up with some lame excuse about how she had to help her mom take out the trash or something.
Last year she moved to West Virginia (6 hours away) so we would keep in touch through tumblr messages and the occasional text. Last week she came to visit, she stayed with another friend and we all hung out Wednesday and then we had made plans weeks ago to have a movie night that Friday(her idea).
Well Friday rolls around and i never heard anything from her, i didn't text her to ask because that's usually what i do and i get tired of it so i figure she would just text me to tell me either way. Never did.
I got an email from her when she was back home telling me how sorry she was and how her friends parents left and they couldn't leave the dogs alone, and how they went by work to say hi to everyone (since she's moved away she's not seen them in awhile), then she said something about "stuff happened." This seems like a kind of lame excuse, but i don't know maybe it is legit. How hard would it have been to text or call and say "sorry i don't think it's going to work out today." It doesn't take but a couple of seconds to text.
I honestly just don't know what to say to her, i don't want to just say oh that's okay but at the same time i feel slightly silly getting upset over something like this.
Does anyone have friends like this? How do handle friends flaking on plans?
I have a group of friends that does this to the extent that I always assume our original plans will be rescheduled for a later date. What I have done is stop initiating plans-making, and seek out other friends.
posted by something something at 9:57 AM on June 16, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by something something at 9:57 AM on June 16, 2013 [12 favorites]
"Hey, I know that things come up sometimes, but next time could you let me know when you need to change our plans or you won't be able to make it? Thanks!"
At least for the not telling you bit. The flakiness, well--I have a friend with whom I just assume from the get-go that our plans have a 15% chance of actually happening, and that's about right.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:00 AM on June 16, 2013 [8 favorites]
At least for the not telling you bit. The flakiness, well--I have a friend with whom I just assume from the get-go that our plans have a 15% chance of actually happening, and that's about right.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:00 AM on June 16, 2013 [8 favorites]
You stop making plans with them. At best they'll get the message and step up to the plate, at worst they'll drift away. Either way, you're no longer setting yourself up for disappointment.
She can still be a friend in the tumblr-and-text capacity, but she might never be someone you can do actual things with. You generally have to accept a friendship at the level where the other person is willing to meet you.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:05 AM on June 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
She can still be a friend in the tumblr-and-text capacity, but she might never be someone you can do actual things with. You generally have to accept a friendship at the level where the other person is willing to meet you.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:05 AM on June 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
I have a friend who does this and whenever they make plans I usually don't even bother to put it in my calendar. That has worked pretty well for me.
posted by grouse at 10:09 AM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by grouse at 10:09 AM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you wanted to see her/go to a movie, you'd have called. If someone is consistently flaky, and it's because they find something better to do, restrict planning to times that are less likely to have competition. If someone is consistently flaky, and it's because they are overoptimistic about time, make firm plans, and ask them to call you if things change. A friend form out of town flaked out, let it go.
posted by theora55 at 10:14 AM on June 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 10:14 AM on June 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Well Friday rolls around and i never heard anything from her, i didn't text her to ask because that's usually what i do and i get tired of it so i figure she would just text me to tell me either way. Never did.
I don't think you're really close friends with this person since you appear to have setup the conditions for them to fail to meet you because you are 'tired of it'.
posted by srboisvert at 10:16 AM on June 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I don't think you're really close friends with this person since you appear to have setup the conditions for them to fail to meet you because you are 'tired of it'.
posted by srboisvert at 10:16 AM on June 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
"Hey, next time you can't keep plans, please let me know."
And then let it go. It's probably not personal.
Next you time you make plans, keep it tentative. "X next Friday sounds like fun, let's confirm on Thursday." And if you really do want to hang out with them, be the one to reach out on Thursday.
I have friends like this and I touch base with them the day before or the morning of all planned events to make sure they are still on. And I generally assume that they will probably flake, and I don't worry too much about it. When they don't flake, we have a lovely time, and I enjoy it. When they do flake, I go on with other plans.
posted by bunderful at 10:25 AM on June 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
And then let it go. It's probably not personal.
Next you time you make plans, keep it tentative. "X next Friday sounds like fun, let's confirm on Thursday." And if you really do want to hang out with them, be the one to reach out on Thursday.
I have friends like this and I touch base with them the day before or the morning of all planned events to make sure they are still on. And I generally assume that they will probably flake, and I don't worry too much about it. When they don't flake, we have a lovely time, and I enjoy it. When they do flake, I go on with other plans.
posted by bunderful at 10:25 AM on June 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
I've both had that friend and been that friend, and if it helps, I don't think it's likely to be anything personally directed toward you. She doesn't dislike you, or disrespect you (she may not act respectfully toward you, but she's likely not doing it deliberately), and she probably isn't throwing you off for "better" plans or "better" friends.
There have been times when I just didn't have my shit together for a couple of different reasons and it was always kind of embarrassing and hard to deal with, which is why I'd end up not calling or making up dumb excuses or whatever. It wasn't about the other person, it was about me and my own issues, they were just on the receiving end of my crap. Not that they deserved that, but it wasn't personal.
The best advice I can offer you is what I've done when I had friends who acted this way, as well: recognize that you are friends with someone who flakes, and decide where your lines in the sand are for dealing with that. Some examples of things you might choose to do:
-- Choose only to make plans with them that don't hinge on them being there. Invite them to group events and don't let them host the party, hold the reservation, buy the tickets, etc. That way, if they don't show up, you still have plans.
-- Don't make individual plans with them in advance. If you decide on the spur of the moment to do something because you're both free, they'll either do it or they won't, and you won't miss out on anything else you might have been able to do with that time.
-- Don't sacrifice other plans or possible plans to see them. Got something better to do on a Friday night? Do it. Usually have something better to do on a Friday night? Then don't make plans with them for Friday nights -- relegate them to Sunday mornings when they aren't actually interfering with much of anything anyway.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:26 AM on June 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
There have been times when I just didn't have my shit together for a couple of different reasons and it was always kind of embarrassing and hard to deal with, which is why I'd end up not calling or making up dumb excuses or whatever. It wasn't about the other person, it was about me and my own issues, they were just on the receiving end of my crap. Not that they deserved that, but it wasn't personal.
The best advice I can offer you is what I've done when I had friends who acted this way, as well: recognize that you are friends with someone who flakes, and decide where your lines in the sand are for dealing with that. Some examples of things you might choose to do:
-- Choose only to make plans with them that don't hinge on them being there. Invite them to group events and don't let them host the party, hold the reservation, buy the tickets, etc. That way, if they don't show up, you still have plans.
-- Don't make individual plans with them in advance. If you decide on the spur of the moment to do something because you're both free, they'll either do it or they won't, and you won't miss out on anything else you might have been able to do with that time.
-- Don't sacrifice other plans or possible plans to see them. Got something better to do on a Friday night? Do it. Usually have something better to do on a Friday night? Then don't make plans with them for Friday nights -- relegate them to Sunday mornings when they aren't actually interfering with much of anything anyway.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:26 AM on June 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
Lame or legit, the excuse is irrelevant. You hit it on the head when you asked is it so much of a bother to simply let you know that plans have changed. (In this case, she should have texted you from the bar she went to with the office folks before it got too late.)
The only way I know to deal with this from a long distance standpoint is to just consider her an electronic friend. Make whatever plans you want when you can see her, but lower your expectations to that of, "this will likely not happen, but if it does, BONUS."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:30 AM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
The only way I know to deal with this from a long distance standpoint is to just consider her an electronic friend. Make whatever plans you want when you can see her, but lower your expectations to that of, "this will likely not happen, but if it does, BONUS."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:30 AM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
i didn't text her to ask because that's usually what i do and i get tired of it [emphasis added]
You've every right to feel frustrated of course, but it's worth keeping in mind that you changed your own behavior. Maybe she figured she'd text whenever you texted like you usually do, but then you never did.
Like bunderful, I handle friends who consistently flake by not making plans that hinge on their active participation. If they make it, great. If not, I've still got my plans.
posted by solotoro at 10:34 AM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
You've every right to feel frustrated of course, but it's worth keeping in mind that you changed your own behavior. Maybe she figured she'd text whenever you texted like you usually do, but then you never did.
Like bunderful, I handle friends who consistently flake by not making plans that hinge on their active participation. If they make it, great. If not, I've still got my plans.
posted by solotoro at 10:34 AM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
You have every right to be upset by such discourtesy. I would tell the friend precisely how I feel and why.
posted by BenPens at 10:40 AM on June 16, 2013
posted by BenPens at 10:40 AM on June 16, 2013
And to add to what I said above, with some flaky friends, the opposite of 'don't make concrete plans that absolutely rely on them' can also work -- depends a bit on the flake. With some friends, you may want to *only* make plans that involve buying tickets in advance, or specifically signing up for an activity online or something of that nature. For some flakes, tickets and tight scheduling can create a sense of obligation, as well as provide the structure necessary to get them past their flakiness. That was always the better route for me in my flaky moments.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:46 AM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jacquilynne at 10:46 AM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
You know, it really depends on what you want to have happen.
1. Ignore it and let her drift from your life. She's not much of a friend, so it's no loss.
2. If you like her and want to keep her as a friend, you'll have to accept that she's a total flake. She's not going to change.
You can tell her, "I was looking forward to seeing you and I was disappointed that you blew me off." But it won't change anything. She might feel some guilt, probably not, and it might make you feel better to tell her, that's all.
If you like to talk to her on the phone, or whatever, embrace the relationship for that. If she calls you to make plans, just say, "Gosh, that sounds fun, give me a call that day to firm it up." That way you put the onus on her to contact you, and you're open to make other plans if you'd rather. If you happen to be free, and she happens to remember, then great, you can meet up. If not, well, it was never firm anyway.
I have flakey friends, and you have to manage them and accept them for who they are. She's not going to change, and she may really like you as a friend, but she's just a flake.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:52 AM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
1. Ignore it and let her drift from your life. She's not much of a friend, so it's no loss.
2. If you like her and want to keep her as a friend, you'll have to accept that she's a total flake. She's not going to change.
You can tell her, "I was looking forward to seeing you and I was disappointed that you blew me off." But it won't change anything. She might feel some guilt, probably not, and it might make you feel better to tell her, that's all.
If you like to talk to her on the phone, or whatever, embrace the relationship for that. If she calls you to make plans, just say, "Gosh, that sounds fun, give me a call that day to firm it up." That way you put the onus on her to contact you, and you're open to make other plans if you'd rather. If you happen to be free, and she happens to remember, then great, you can meet up. If not, well, it was never firm anyway.
I have flakey friends, and you have to manage them and accept them for who they are. She's not going to change, and she may really like you as a friend, but she's just a flake.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:52 AM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't make plans with her.
Anyone saying this is your fault because you changed your behaviour is wrong. You didn't text her because you knew you would get a lame excuse, and you did, just after the fact this time.
I don't think you're mad because she gave the lame excuse post instead of pre, I think you're mad because she always blows you off with a lame excuse. I would be. Especially on the one fucking chance you had before she left the vicinity.
You can consider her an e-friend and never make plans to meet her in person, that's what I would do. For the record you have every reason to be mad, so don't turn this back on yourself. I suggest forgiving her, though. If you are so mad you can't hold it in, you could say "you always blow me off with a lame excuse and this time you did it again even though it was a rare chance to get together and now I am so mad I can't hold it in. Next time you're in the area, show up or don't make plans in the first place."
posted by tel3path at 10:53 AM on June 16, 2013
Anyone saying this is your fault because you changed your behaviour is wrong. You didn't text her because you knew you would get a lame excuse, and you did, just after the fact this time.
I don't think you're mad because she gave the lame excuse post instead of pre, I think you're mad because she always blows you off with a lame excuse. I would be. Especially on the one fucking chance you had before she left the vicinity.
You can consider her an e-friend and never make plans to meet her in person, that's what I would do. For the record you have every reason to be mad, so don't turn this back on yourself. I suggest forgiving her, though. If you are so mad you can't hold it in, you could say "you always blow me off with a lame excuse and this time you did it again even though it was a rare chance to get together and now I am so mad I can't hold it in. Next time you're in the area, show up or don't make plans in the first place."
posted by tel3path at 10:53 AM on June 16, 2013
Does anyone have friends like this?
Not anymore.
How do handle friends flaking on plans?
Are you asking how to get the flaky friend to change her behavior? You can't, you won't. If your happiness depends on this, you need to change your thinking.
Are you asking how to stay friends with such a person? The answer is "Don't make plans." Or, "Don't make plans that depend on the flake's presence, only plan things you can enjoy even if she flakes." Think of such plans as "I'm going to a movie, and [Jenny] might meet up with me which would be great, but she probably won't which is fine too."
Are you asking how to get over your feelings of frustration? I was in a therapy group a while back and one of the useful things I learned was that you can't change someone else's behavior, but you can let them know how their behavior makes you feel. And that is a kind of victory.
If you're looking for a script, something like "Hey [Jenny], we don't get a lot of chances to see each other and it really bums me out when we make plans and you bail on them without even giving me a heads up. It makes me feel like you don't value my friendship or my time."
I wouldn't include anything about "I know stuff comes up, that's life, but..." Your feelings are valid and you don't need to argue against them on her behalf.
Then it's off your chest and you can proceed to treat "plans" with her in a manner that won't generate frustration for you, which includes the possibility of ceasing to have a relationship with her.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 11:24 AM on June 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
Not anymore.
How do handle friends flaking on plans?
Are you asking how to get the flaky friend to change her behavior? You can't, you won't. If your happiness depends on this, you need to change your thinking.
Are you asking how to stay friends with such a person? The answer is "Don't make plans." Or, "Don't make plans that depend on the flake's presence, only plan things you can enjoy even if she flakes." Think of such plans as "I'm going to a movie, and [Jenny] might meet up with me which would be great, but she probably won't which is fine too."
Are you asking how to get over your feelings of frustration? I was in a therapy group a while back and one of the useful things I learned was that you can't change someone else's behavior, but you can let them know how their behavior makes you feel. And that is a kind of victory.
If you're looking for a script, something like "Hey [Jenny], we don't get a lot of chances to see each other and it really bums me out when we make plans and you bail on them without even giving me a heads up. It makes me feel like you don't value my friendship or my time."
I wouldn't include anything about "I know stuff comes up, that's life, but..." Your feelings are valid and you don't need to argue against them on her behalf.
Then it's off your chest and you can proceed to treat "plans" with her in a manner that won't generate frustration for you, which includes the possibility of ceasing to have a relationship with her.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 11:24 AM on June 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
I got an email from her when she was back home telling me how sorry she was...
I honestly just don't know what to say to her...
"Don't worry about it. You always do things like that, and I've learned not to count on you."
posted by jamjam at 11:28 AM on June 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
I honestly just don't know what to say to her...
"Don't worry about it. You always do things like that, and I've learned not to count on you."
posted by jamjam at 11:28 AM on June 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
"Don't worry about it. You always do things like that, and I've learned never to count on you."
Please don't say something passive-aggressive like this. You can be honest without being unnecessarily mean. "I'm sorry you couldn't make it, too. It's frustrating because this seems to be a pattern. Please give me a heads-up next time."
Of course, it's up to you whether or not there's even a next time in terms of making plans with her. And if you do make plans, make sure -- as others have said -- that it's something you will go ahead and do even if she flakes yet again. In other words, don't make the plan dependent on her in any way. That way, if she doesn't show up, nothing's lost. If she does show up, bonus. Either way, your state of mind doesn't hinge on her reliability (or lack thereof).
posted by scody at 11:35 AM on June 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
Please don't say something passive-aggressive like this. You can be honest without being unnecessarily mean. "I'm sorry you couldn't make it, too. It's frustrating because this seems to be a pattern. Please give me a heads-up next time."
Of course, it's up to you whether or not there's even a next time in terms of making plans with her. And if you do make plans, make sure -- as others have said -- that it's something you will go ahead and do even if she flakes yet again. In other words, don't make the plan dependent on her in any way. That way, if she doesn't show up, nothing's lost. If she does show up, bonus. Either way, your state of mind doesn't hinge on her reliability (or lack thereof).
posted by scody at 11:35 AM on June 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
How do handle friends flaking on plans?
I learned to accept some people for the way they are.
A percentage of my friends -- and they are loyal and actual friends -- are strictly the type where I call and say "want to do something NOW?" and then we meet go do it. Zero planning, zero warning, just go. In return, they stopped pestering me about future plans and now just call me when they are ready to do something NOW. Must less hard feelings and stress all around.
If I am having a party or group situation, I can invite them and their attendance is marked either "doubtful, questionable, or probable" depending on how enthusiastically they swore that they'll definitely 100% be there for sure. If they are hosting a party or group situation, I make sure I eat ahead of time and I have a way home in case we somehow end up stranded somewhere.
posted by 99percentfake at 11:55 AM on June 16, 2013
I learned to accept some people for the way they are.
A percentage of my friends -- and they are loyal and actual friends -- are strictly the type where I call and say "want to do something NOW?" and then we meet go do it. Zero planning, zero warning, just go. In return, they stopped pestering me about future plans and now just call me when they are ready to do something NOW. Must less hard feelings and stress all around.
If I am having a party or group situation, I can invite them and their attendance is marked either "doubtful, questionable, or probable" depending on how enthusiastically they swore that they'll definitely 100% be there for sure. If they are hosting a party or group situation, I make sure I eat ahead of time and I have a way home in case we somehow end up stranded somewhere.
posted by 99percentfake at 11:55 AM on June 16, 2013
Please don't say something passive-aggressive like this. You can be honest without being unnecessarily mean. "I'm sorry you couldn't make it, too. It's frustrating because this seems to be a pattern. Please give me a heads-up next time."
Passive-aggressive is concealing your true feelings under a false front of bonhomie-- which is precisely what you are recommending, scody.
posted by jamjam at 12:00 PM on June 16, 2013
Passive-aggressive is concealing your true feelings under a false front of bonhomie-- which is precisely what you are recommending, scody.
posted by jamjam at 12:00 PM on June 16, 2013
No, I'm recommending being direct and honest in a way that is respectful to both parties. There is absolutely no false bonhomie by saying "I'm frustrated/this is a pattern/please let me know next time"; it states the OP's feelings and requests a future behavior modification without being insulting or creating any drama.
By contrast, saying "don't worry about it -- you always do that and I've learned never to count on you anyway" is designed to make Flaky Friend feel bad (insulted, shamed, guilty) and leaves no room for any response other than to grovel or to get angry. It potentially amplifies conflict and drama. It's also predicated on two lies: 1) the command to "not worry about it" is transparently false (the intent is to make Flaky Friend worry or otherwise feel bad); 2) the statement "I've learned never to count on you" is also false, because if that were actually true, the OP wouldn't be upset in the first place.
posted by scody at 12:15 PM on June 16, 2013 [12 favorites]
By contrast, saying "don't worry about it -- you always do that and I've learned never to count on you anyway" is designed to make Flaky Friend feel bad (insulted, shamed, guilty) and leaves no room for any response other than to grovel or to get angry. It potentially amplifies conflict and drama. It's also predicated on two lies: 1) the command to "not worry about it" is transparently false (the intent is to make Flaky Friend worry or otherwise feel bad); 2) the statement "I've learned never to count on you" is also false, because if that were actually true, the OP wouldn't be upset in the first place.
posted by scody at 12:15 PM on June 16, 2013 [12 favorites]
With some friends, you may want to *only* make plans that involve buying tickets in advance, or specifically signing up for an activity online or something of that nature. For some flakes, tickets and tight scheduling can create a sense of obligation, as well as provide the structure necessary to get them past their flakiness. That was always the better route for me in my flaky moments.
I'd only go with this if said friend picked up the tickets, and you agreed to reimburse them when you see them at said activity/event.
A real flake will leave you standing in line at the movie theater.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:34 PM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd only go with this if said friend picked up the tickets, and you agreed to reimburse them when you see them at said activity/event.
A real flake will leave you standing in line at the movie theater.
posted by BlueHorse at 12:34 PM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Saying 'I'm sorry, too...' would be blatantly dishonest because the feeling the friend is hoping to get across by using 'sorry' is apologetic regret, whereas the feeling the OP would be attempting to convey is frustrated anger at the mildest. Parroting a person's words back at them with diametrically opposed intended meaning is the very essence of passive aggression.
"Don't worry about it" has exactly the the tone of resigned acceptance of a bad situation which I think the OP does feel at base, and I also think she has learned not to count on this person.
The overall tone of your suggested response is angry, waspish and demanding ("It's frustrating because this seems to be a pattern. Please give me a heads-up next time.") which I see as deliberately misleading because I think the OP mainly feels hurt, and my suggestion conveys that in blunt and unadorned terms, whereas yours goes out of its way to conceal that-- which is again dishonest. If the recipient feels guilty, well, she should.
posted by jamjam at 12:51 PM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Don't worry about it" has exactly the the tone of resigned acceptance of a bad situation which I think the OP does feel at base, and I also think she has learned not to count on this person.
The overall tone of your suggested response is angry, waspish and demanding ("It's frustrating because this seems to be a pattern. Please give me a heads-up next time.") which I see as deliberately misleading because I think the OP mainly feels hurt, and my suggestion conveys that in blunt and unadorned terms, whereas yours goes out of its way to conceal that-- which is again dishonest. If the recipient feels guilty, well, she should.
posted by jamjam at 12:51 PM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Folks, this needs to not become a back-and-forth argument. Thanks.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 12:56 PM on June 16, 2013
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 12:56 PM on June 16, 2013
Well Friday rolls around and i never heard anything from her, i didn't text her to ask because that's usually what i do and i get tired of it so i figure she would just text me to tell me either way. Never did.
Seems to me that you are just as much to blame as her. Neither of you called the other. This sounds like a pretty standard mutual flakeout. Plus, the whole "I get tired of it" reason for why you didn't text is just not very nice.
As I've gotten older I've realized that these kind of flakeouts are really nothing to get exercised about. They are common among adults who may have had the best of intentions when the plans were made, but as the time approaches, the planned thing starts to feel like a burden. Getting indignant about it (especially when you didn't call either!) seems petty and small and ignores the realities of how people's over-scheduled lives inevitably crowd out lots of social events.
So I'd say: Let it go.
posted by Unified Theory at 1:05 PM on June 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Seems to me that you are just as much to blame as her. Neither of you called the other. This sounds like a pretty standard mutual flakeout. Plus, the whole "I get tired of it" reason for why you didn't text is just not very nice.
As I've gotten older I've realized that these kind of flakeouts are really nothing to get exercised about. They are common among adults who may have had the best of intentions when the plans were made, but as the time approaches, the planned thing starts to feel like a burden. Getting indignant about it (especially when you didn't call either!) seems petty and small and ignores the realities of how people's over-scheduled lives inevitably crowd out lots of social events.
So I'd say: Let it go.
posted by Unified Theory at 1:05 PM on June 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Here is what you owe your friend in response to her apology: forgiveness, and a decision on your part to handle this in a way that minimises the cost to you. That might mean only including her in plans for things that you were going to do anyway; it might mean not making plans to see her in person. [1]
Here's what you don't owe her: babysitting in the form of reminder texts; pretending this doesn't bother you; feeling happy about being treated in ways you don't like; second-guessing how busy she is [2]; attempting to convert her into a non-flaky person.
She's an adult, and she knows it's bad to flake on plans; she's responsible for making plans and following through on them, so let her do that or not, because you can't change it.
[1] In particular, I wouldn't do anything that involved paying for tickets or relying on her to collect tickets. By definition, flaky people will fuck you over on stuff like this. They might call you just in time to slide all the costs off onto you and avoid them themselves, but I've never met a flaky person who could do better than that in response to firm arrangements that were expensive and/or inconvenient.
[2] I get that people are busy; I therefore don't waste people's time by flaking on them and, being busy myself, I don't continue to make plans with people who waste my time by flaking on me.
posted by tel3path at 2:39 PM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Here's what you don't owe her: babysitting in the form of reminder texts; pretending this doesn't bother you; feeling happy about being treated in ways you don't like; second-guessing how busy she is [2]; attempting to convert her into a non-flaky person.
She's an adult, and she knows it's bad to flake on plans; she's responsible for making plans and following through on them, so let her do that or not, because you can't change it.
[1] In particular, I wouldn't do anything that involved paying for tickets or relying on her to collect tickets. By definition, flaky people will fuck you over on stuff like this. They might call you just in time to slide all the costs off onto you and avoid them themselves, but I've never met a flaky person who could do better than that in response to firm arrangements that were expensive and/or inconvenient.
[2] I get that people are busy; I therefore don't waste people's time by flaking on them and, being busy myself, I don't continue to make plans with people who waste my time by flaking on me.
posted by tel3path at 2:39 PM on June 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: When i say i'm "tired of it" i mean i get tired of always having to text her to remind her of the plans we have the next day. I would hope she'd wonder where i was for once and ask herself is all i'm saying.
Thanks everyone for your replies! I'll probably just tell her she should text me next time if she can't make it.
posted by earthquakeglue at 3:27 PM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Thanks everyone for your replies! I'll probably just tell her she should text me next time if she can't make it.
posted by earthquakeglue at 3:27 PM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Really? You really just wanted her to flake unprompted, instead of you having to prompt her to flake?
If that's all you wanted, then oh, well. But in conflicts like this it's good to know what you want. If it were me, I would want my friend to show up and, if she did so, prompting her wouldn't bother me, but that is my preference. There is a school of thought that it's inappropriately needy to expect this, and I don't agree with it, but I am aware that in some people's minds expecting people not to flake is unhealthily selfish, if not the thin end of the stalking wedge.
posted by tel3path at 4:13 PM on June 16, 2013
If that's all you wanted, then oh, well. But in conflicts like this it's good to know what you want. If it were me, I would want my friend to show up and, if she did so, prompting her wouldn't bother me, but that is my preference. There is a school of thought that it's inappropriately needy to expect this, and I don't agree with it, but I am aware that in some people's minds expecting people not to flake is unhealthily selfish, if not the thin end of the stalking wedge.
posted by tel3path at 4:13 PM on June 16, 2013
When I was in a similar situation I told the friend, Look, if we make plans and you need or want to change them, fine. You're tired? Fine. Something more exciting came up? Fine. You forgot you had other plans? Fine. But have the courtesy to call and let me know so I can make alternate plans and I don't end up wasting a whole day. If you don't have enough respect for me to do that than why do you even want to be my friend?
It was very clear that I was dead serious, and he never, ever flaked on me again.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:23 PM on June 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
It was very clear that I was dead serious, and he never, ever flaked on me again.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:23 PM on June 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
I would hope she'd wonder where i was for once and ask herself is all i'm saying.
Don't set your friends up to fail.
You can let this one go, or you can just accept friendship on the terms that currently exist.
There's this aggrieved, long-suffering tone in this sentence (and question) that really bothers me. A tit-for-tat philosophy of friendship is not an effective way to have friendships or be a happy, secure person. There's a difference between making sure people don't treat you badly and getting hung up in the who was supposed to do what.
I mean - you didn't call her! She sent you an apology email! Why is this bothering you so much? Spread your emotional energy more evenly, hang out with other people, and don't dwell on trivial shit with a friend who you hardly see. I have a friend who is incredibly flaky, sometimes for legitimate reasons (severe clinical depression) and sometimes for shitty reasons (some guy on manhunt messaged him and he wanted to get laid and didn't hang out with me). We are close friends. I don't depend on plans with him always working out, though.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:23 PM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't set your friends up to fail.
You can let this one go, or you can just accept friendship on the terms that currently exist.
There's this aggrieved, long-suffering tone in this sentence (and question) that really bothers me. A tit-for-tat philosophy of friendship is not an effective way to have friendships or be a happy, secure person. There's a difference between making sure people don't treat you badly and getting hung up in the who was supposed to do what.
I mean - you didn't call her! She sent you an apology email! Why is this bothering you so much? Spread your emotional energy more evenly, hang out with other people, and don't dwell on trivial shit with a friend who you hardly see. I have a friend who is incredibly flaky, sometimes for legitimate reasons (severe clinical depression) and sometimes for shitty reasons (some guy on manhunt messaged him and he wanted to get laid and didn't hang out with me). We are close friends. I don't depend on plans with him always working out, though.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:23 PM on June 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
You have a responsibility to choose what you want.
So if you know/fear that this flakey friend will bail on you and you want to see her/go to this movie/whatever, it's probably a good idea to text her the day of the event. If you want to give her an out, you can use words like "just checking if you were still up for X today..."
You also have a responsibility to tell people what you want.
"I'd like to see you before you leave." "Call me if something else comes up."
I was once (and often lapse back into being) like you. My life became happier when I accepted that some people need prodding if I'm to get what I want, and that more people are likely to help me get what I want when I make my wants known.
If I put on my most gracious hat, it would tell me that your friend has a hard time turning away from what she's doing with the people she's with to go to something else. She's not great at saying, "sorry friends, I have to go catch up with other friend now." (Yes, my hats talk to me, but this question isn't about me.)
posted by advicepig at 7:47 AM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
So if you know/fear that this flakey friend will bail on you and you want to see her/go to this movie/whatever, it's probably a good idea to text her the day of the event. If you want to give her an out, you can use words like "just checking if you were still up for X today..."
You also have a responsibility to tell people what you want.
"I'd like to see you before you leave." "Call me if something else comes up."
I was once (and often lapse back into being) like you. My life became happier when I accepted that some people need prodding if I'm to get what I want, and that more people are likely to help me get what I want when I make my wants known.
If I put on my most gracious hat, it would tell me that your friend has a hard time turning away from what she's doing with the people she's with to go to something else. She's not great at saying, "sorry friends, I have to go catch up with other friend now." (Yes, my hats talk to me, but this question isn't about me.)
posted by advicepig at 7:47 AM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by destructive cactus at 9:57 AM on June 16, 2013 [8 favorites]