How do I respond to my preteen cousin's anxiety about appearance?
June 13, 2013 7:30 PM Subscribe
My twelve year old cousin is ethnically East Asian, and is very, very worried about seeming different than her friends. I'm hanging out with her a lot this summer, and she has said several times "I don't like how dark my skin is." (She is one of those people whose summer tan is way darker than her skin tone in winter, and a few years ago, at a different school, was bullied for precisely this reason.) How do I respond to this and similar statements? Do I keep repeating, "You're beautiful no matter what your skin color is", which is my instinctive response?
I'm worried she's going to think my response is boilerplate, and not heartfelt.
I'm worried she's going to think my response is boilerplate, and not heartfelt.
It's great that you care about your cousin and that you want to be a great role model for her. I would casually make comments about all her wonderful qualities, including her beauty. But I would not say "no matter what your skin colour is" as this suggests there is something wrong with her skin colour. I'd instead start bringing in more magazines and pop culture materials that feature East Asian women (and maybe men too). You might also want to be a safe person for her to talk about concerns she has. Encourage her to talk about her worries - "I hear you saying you don't like your skin colour. Are you concerned about what you are seeing in the media or at school?" Maybe you'll find out she's concerned how boys will react or how to apply make-up or some other concern. And let her know it gets better, as noted above.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 7:48 PM on June 13, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 7:48 PM on June 13, 2013 [13 favorites]
Instead of repeating "you're beautiful," until it feels fake, why don't you try to draw her out a little? See what she wants to talk about, and concentrate more on letting her share her feelings than immediately shutting the statements down or arguing her out of them. Be empathetic ("that sounds tough"), ask short follow-up questions ("Really?" "What makes you say that?") and see where it goes. Maybe she just wants quick reassurance from you that she's pretty, which you should give her (and it sounds like you have) but if you two are going to have a real conversation, you'll also need to give her the space to just talk. Reinforce the feelings she's having, if not the ideas behind them - she's feeling different, self-conscious, lonely. Being a twelve year old girl is hard. Let her know you know that, and that you respect her for all of her awesome qualities, of which her beauty is only one of many. Listen to her without judging, and you'll become the kind of person she can go to when she has all kinds of hard questions. A cool older cousin you can talk to is an invaluable resource. She's lucky to have you in her life. Good luck!
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:53 PM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:53 PM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I definitely agree that if she's at all interested in makeup, you could watch videos of Michelle Phan or someone else that she thinks she might look like or has a similar skin tone.
Part of the problem for many nonwhite groups is that there is still so little representation of how we look as desirable and attractive in the media. This gets absorbed by kids in school (and people everywhere) because who is on magazines and on TV is taken to be the top level of "who's attractive" and if they don't look like you, it's easy to take in and be told that you're not attractive.
This is changing a lot though, especially since I was a teenager in the 90s. If you watch Michelle Phan's videos, not only does she show how to do makeup for East Asian faces that your cousin might identify with, but she is clearly confident in her looks and doesn't spend all her videos lamenting that she's not white.
Also, I think the Michelle Obama comment is maybe well meaning but misguided - there are a lot of layers in how nonwhite people absorb messaging about how their skin tone affects attractiveness, and black doesn't equal East Asian and that sort of messaging is problematic in different ways.
Also good to just talk to her about her feelings. I still like to talk about the reactions I get to how I look and how I feel about it, even though now it's largely meant to be positive but still often clueless. I find it makes some people of varying ethnicities, not just white, uncomfortable to talk about it and it's great when I find people open to talking about it with me.
posted by sweetkid at 7:59 PM on June 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
Part of the problem for many nonwhite groups is that there is still so little representation of how we look as desirable and attractive in the media. This gets absorbed by kids in school (and people everywhere) because who is on magazines and on TV is taken to be the top level of "who's attractive" and if they don't look like you, it's easy to take in and be told that you're not attractive.
This is changing a lot though, especially since I was a teenager in the 90s. If you watch Michelle Phan's videos, not only does she show how to do makeup for East Asian faces that your cousin might identify with, but she is clearly confident in her looks and doesn't spend all her videos lamenting that she's not white.
Also, I think the Michelle Obama comment is maybe well meaning but misguided - there are a lot of layers in how nonwhite people absorb messaging about how their skin tone affects attractiveness, and black doesn't equal East Asian and that sort of messaging is problematic in different ways.
Also good to just talk to her about her feelings. I still like to talk about the reactions I get to how I look and how I feel about it, even though now it's largely meant to be positive but still often clueless. I find it makes some people of varying ethnicities, not just white, uncomfortable to talk about it and it's great when I find people open to talking about it with me.
posted by sweetkid at 7:59 PM on June 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
Not an easy thing to do, but try to remind her that there's a wider world out there than just the (presumably) white kids she sees at school. Acknowledge that it's tough to be different, but let her know it's a bad idea to build herself around whatever kids are saying at the moment. Maybe if you have happy friends with a variety of looks and ethnicities, introduce her to them?
When I grew up, there were very few Asians either locally or in the media. Any sign, like Bruce Lee, that Asians could be cool or human were incredibly encouraging, even if it had little direct connection to my everyday life. Just knowing people outside the mainstream, even if they were white or fictional, can find some acceptance was encouraging as well. Heck, even people in HP Lovecraft stories that went to live with their true race under the sea gave me some comfort.
I think these days, an Asian kid can do much better. You probably shouldn't provide examples of well-accepted Asians in direct response to complaints about her skin color, though. Just do it the way you'd show her anything else that's neat.
posted by ignignokt at 8:04 PM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
When I grew up, there were very few Asians either locally or in the media. Any sign, like Bruce Lee, that Asians could be cool or human were incredibly encouraging, even if it had little direct connection to my everyday life. Just knowing people outside the mainstream, even if they were white or fictional, can find some acceptance was encouraging as well. Heck, even people in HP Lovecraft stories that went to live with their true race under the sea gave me some comfort.
I think these days, an Asian kid can do much better. You probably shouldn't provide examples of well-accepted Asians in direct response to complaints about her skin color, though. Just do it the way you'd show her anything else that's neat.
posted by ignignokt at 8:04 PM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
You probably shouldn't provide examples of well-accepted Asians in direct response to complaints about her skin color, though. Just do it the way you'd show her anything else that's neat.
That's kind of why I suggested Michelle Phan videos - she's the most popular makeup video person out there, pretty much, AND is East Asian so it wouldn't be like showing her some niche thing.
posted by sweetkid at 8:15 PM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
That's kind of why I suggested Michelle Phan videos - she's the most popular makeup video person out there, pretty much, AND is East Asian so it wouldn't be like showing her some niche thing.
posted by sweetkid at 8:15 PM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
> I'd instead start bringing in more magazines and pop culture materials that feature East Asian women
If by East Asian the OP means China, Korea, and Japan, I would be careful about this. The women shown in magazines and TV shows originating from East Asia are going to be very pale - major cosmetics brands such as Clinique have whitening products they only sell in Asia. The lowest SPF I've seen on BB creams sold in Asia is 25. So exposure to East Asian pop culture materials could create its own anxiety about one's appearance, where now the cousin feels she looks different from these women, and also different from her (white) friends.
Does your cousin like playing sports or being outdoors? If she is getting tan in the summer because she's playing soccer, or swimming a lot, praise her for doing these activities when she brings up her dark skin.
(A Korean mom solution would be to slather her in SPF 50 PA+++ sunblock, but that may be easier coming from a relative of one's own ethnicity.)
posted by needled at 8:22 PM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
If by East Asian the OP means China, Korea, and Japan, I would be careful about this. The women shown in magazines and TV shows originating from East Asia are going to be very pale - major cosmetics brands such as Clinique have whitening products they only sell in Asia. The lowest SPF I've seen on BB creams sold in Asia is 25. So exposure to East Asian pop culture materials could create its own anxiety about one's appearance, where now the cousin feels she looks different from these women, and also different from her (white) friends.
Does your cousin like playing sports or being outdoors? If she is getting tan in the summer because she's playing soccer, or swimming a lot, praise her for doing these activities when she brings up her dark skin.
(A Korean mom solution would be to slather her in SPF 50 PA+++ sunblock, but that may be easier coming from a relative of one's own ethnicity.)
posted by needled at 8:22 PM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
East Asian means Chinese-Japanese-Korean right? I don't know about China but in both Japan and Korea skin whitening cream and blocking out the sun to avoid tanning are pretty common things for women. So basically the message she'd be getting anywhere is that white/pale skin is better than dark. This is the world.
She can either be someone who doesn't care about this issue and just live with her skin getting much darker in the summer or she can start using whitening creams herself and block the sun when she goes outside - either with some high SPF creams, clothing or both.
I think you want to guide her towards option 1, and to be frank I think that is the better option, but there is this other option out there and if putting on some SPF 120 is going to make her feel better about herself then maybe that's the way you should go.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 8:24 PM on June 13, 2013
She can either be someone who doesn't care about this issue and just live with her skin getting much darker in the summer or she can start using whitening creams herself and block the sun when she goes outside - either with some high SPF creams, clothing or both.
I think you want to guide her towards option 1, and to be frank I think that is the better option, but there is this other option out there and if putting on some SPF 120 is going to make her feel better about herself then maybe that's the way you should go.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 8:24 PM on June 13, 2013
Skin whitening creams are very bad for your skin as I understand. Nothing wrong with blocking sun and SPF (and her skin will thank her for it when she's older of course) but really, you want to discourage the skin whitening thing.
As far as "this is the world," yeah...but I'm South Asian (Indian) and get a lot of compliments for my skin. It's more complicated than "everyone thinks it's awesome" but...unfortunately it's on the part of all of us to try to change this perception. Because it needs to change.
posted by sweetkid at 8:33 PM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
As far as "this is the world," yeah...but I'm South Asian (Indian) and get a lot of compliments for my skin. It's more complicated than "everyone thinks it's awesome" but...unfortunately it's on the part of all of us to try to change this perception. Because it needs to change.
posted by sweetkid at 8:33 PM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: It might just be the mood I'm in, but I think a little honest anger might get her attention, especially if you're not normally an angry person.
Something along the lines of pulling her aside and saying "listen, I know you're at the age when it sounds better to look and act like everyone else, but let me tell you -- most people are fucking idiots and you do not want to jump on that train. It will fuck you up. I'm specifically talking about this idea you seem to be expressing that your skin is too dark. You and the majority of women in the world, everywhere!! I'm not kidding when I say billions, billions of women have dark skin - and darker. It's just because you live here, with a bunch of white people -- they live in a world that's two inches wide -- that's their whole world and it probably always will be. You? You will have a much wider, bigger world. Trust me -- out there? Nobody gives a fuck how dark your skin is - if they do, they're idiots. There are a few tough things you have to do to become a strong woman in this world - one of them is to not believe the opinions of assholes. Even when they're your friends. I mean, you can still like them and hang out with them, but they're idiots. Be smarter than them."
Say what you want about swearing in front if kids, but if you don't normally swear, swearing can be very effective. Also -- be a little angry at her, because you expect more from her.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:38 PM on June 13, 2013 [36 favorites]
Something along the lines of pulling her aside and saying "listen, I know you're at the age when it sounds better to look and act like everyone else, but let me tell you -- most people are fucking idiots and you do not want to jump on that train. It will fuck you up. I'm specifically talking about this idea you seem to be expressing that your skin is too dark. You and the majority of women in the world, everywhere!! I'm not kidding when I say billions, billions of women have dark skin - and darker. It's just because you live here, with a bunch of white people -- they live in a world that's two inches wide -- that's their whole world and it probably always will be. You? You will have a much wider, bigger world. Trust me -- out there? Nobody gives a fuck how dark your skin is - if they do, they're idiots. There are a few tough things you have to do to become a strong woman in this world - one of them is to not believe the opinions of assholes. Even when they're your friends. I mean, you can still like them and hang out with them, but they're idiots. Be smarter than them."
Say what you want about swearing in front if kids, but if you don't normally swear, swearing can be very effective. Also -- be a little angry at her, because you expect more from her.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:38 PM on June 13, 2013 [36 favorites]
Middle school tends to be an extremely conformist time, especially for girls, with standards for everything from hair length to handwriting. (I'm a white girl, but I was teased for being too pale and unable to tan. I recognize that's not the same at all, but I mention it because that's how narrow the middle school mindset can be.)
See if she can open up to you; maybe start by saying "I think your skin color is beautiful; why don't you like it?" From there, you might be able to segue into a conversation about what "beauty" is and who decides that. You don't necessarily have to plant any seeds of wisdom; it might just help her to have someone outside her school friends to vent to about this.
And, if you can, introduce her to lots of different people outside of school, or encourage her parents to do so if you can't do it yourself. It can help immensely to make friends outside of your school.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:42 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
See if she can open up to you; maybe start by saying "I think your skin color is beautiful; why don't you like it?" From there, you might be able to segue into a conversation about what "beauty" is and who decides that. You don't necessarily have to plant any seeds of wisdom; it might just help her to have someone outside her school friends to vent to about this.
And, if you can, introduce her to lots of different people outside of school, or encourage her parents to do so if you can't do it yourself. It can help immensely to make friends outside of your school.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:42 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm white, so I feel like I have no business answering your question. But based on my own body image bugbears I have to say, I think "just tell her to wear sublock!" is a bad idea. I internalized a lot of negative thoughts about my body from hearing older female relatives kvetch about their bodies or engage in attempts to alter their looks. The worst was when they'd vent about traits we shared. I felt like, being overly critical about their own looks, they were also criticizing me -- and often about a trait I had no idea was a big deal before hearing them bitch about it.
Be the cool older cousin who tells her she's OK, not the cool older cousin who teaches her to hate herself.
posted by Sara C. at 8:51 PM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Be the cool older cousin who tells her she's OK, not the cool older cousin who teaches her to hate herself.
posted by Sara C. at 8:51 PM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
I feel like I shill for Girl Scouts like all the time, but I'm proud!
Anyways, this is precisely the thing Girl Scouts' program is good for -- if you give her an opportunity to succeed in a context outside of teen girl competitions, it'll give her something else to care about and something else to value about herself instead of just hearing those negative voices over and over in her head.
For me that was learning to bake, with someone getting really into explaining the chemistry of it, and also someone just really encouraging my writing and poetry. I submitted short stories and got rejected, and had people I care about get really passionate about making sure my self esteem as a writer, as a writer of color, as a girl writer of color, was okay despite that. Seriously, the summer of my 12th year was all "At that age, poetry arrived" and "To be young, gifted, and black", with a dash of Greek tragedy for some reason. I also built a mechanical green house that operated from a computer program that made the windows open and close, and also tried archery. I was still worried about my appearance, but it mattered a lot less because I knew my body didn't define me. My capabilities did, and those could be cultivated based on MY interests and dreams.
The reason this matters is because regardless of how she feels about her skin she's a whole person -- whether or not she loves how brown she gets in the sun, whether or not she thinks she's beautiful, etc etc. Like, it suuuuuucks that she is worried about her skin color and has been exposed to racist/colorist rhetoric. But just telling her she's pretty and to try make up isn't going to make her mentally or emotionally prepared for the grueling wringer that is being a girl of color in high school. Investing in her personhood will help with that.
Anyway here's a poem that sums up my thoughts:
“when your little girl
asks you if she’s pretty
your heart will drop like a wineglass
on the hardwood floor
part of you will want to say
of course you are, don’t ever question it
and the other part
the part that is clawing at
you
will want to grab her by her shoulders
look straight into the wells of
her eyes until they echo back to you
and say
you do not have to be if you don’t want to
it is not your job
both will feel right
one will feel better
she will only understand the first
when she wants to cut her hair off
or wear her brother’s clothes
you will feel the words in your
mouth like marbles
you do not have to be pretty if you don’t want to
it is not your job”
— it is not your job | Caitlyn Siehl
posted by spunweb at 9:10 PM on June 13, 2013 [54 favorites]
Anyways, this is precisely the thing Girl Scouts' program is good for -- if you give her an opportunity to succeed in a context outside of teen girl competitions, it'll give her something else to care about and something else to value about herself instead of just hearing those negative voices over and over in her head.
For me that was learning to bake, with someone getting really into explaining the chemistry of it, and also someone just really encouraging my writing and poetry. I submitted short stories and got rejected, and had people I care about get really passionate about making sure my self esteem as a writer, as a writer of color, as a girl writer of color, was okay despite that. Seriously, the summer of my 12th year was all "At that age, poetry arrived" and "To be young, gifted, and black", with a dash of Greek tragedy for some reason. I also built a mechanical green house that operated from a computer program that made the windows open and close, and also tried archery. I was still worried about my appearance, but it mattered a lot less because I knew my body didn't define me. My capabilities did, and those could be cultivated based on MY interests and dreams.
The reason this matters is because regardless of how she feels about her skin she's a whole person -- whether or not she loves how brown she gets in the sun, whether or not she thinks she's beautiful, etc etc. Like, it suuuuuucks that she is worried about her skin color and has been exposed to racist/colorist rhetoric. But just telling her she's pretty and to try make up isn't going to make her mentally or emotionally prepared for the grueling wringer that is being a girl of color in high school. Investing in her personhood will help with that.
Anyway here's a poem that sums up my thoughts:
“when your little girl
asks you if she’s pretty
your heart will drop like a wineglass
on the hardwood floor
part of you will want to say
of course you are, don’t ever question it
and the other part
the part that is clawing at
you
will want to grab her by her shoulders
look straight into the wells of
her eyes until they echo back to you
and say
you do not have to be if you don’t want to
it is not your job
both will feel right
one will feel better
she will only understand the first
when she wants to cut her hair off
or wear her brother’s clothes
you will feel the words in your
mouth like marbles
you do not have to be pretty if you don’t want to
it is not your job”
— it is not your job | Caitlyn Siehl
posted by spunweb at 9:10 PM on June 13, 2013 [54 favorites]
The whole "you're beautiful no matter what your skin color is" sounds patronizing. Remind her the whole world is full of different people and skin color isn't what makes a person beautiful, cool, fun to be around or better loved.
posted by discopolo at 9:14 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 9:14 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: And if you absolutely positively need a one-liner to give her: When I was complaining that my skin had dark spots and my nose was too broad, my sister told me to remember that someone who was looking at me that hard was either looking for something to complain about (so fuck them) or already liked what they saw. Neither sentiment has/had anything to do with my appearance because they'd already decided that in advance... so screw it, go forth, and be fabulous.
posted by spunweb at 9:14 PM on June 13, 2013 [25 favorites]
posted by spunweb at 9:14 PM on June 13, 2013 [25 favorites]
Encouraging someone to chemically whiten their skin is ghastly, please do not take that terrible advice.
I'm sort of conflicted about repeatedly reassuring young girls that they are beautiful, as that reinforces the harmful belief that their physical attractiveness is the most important thing about them. If you back it up with other wonderful things you see in her, though, it's not in and of itself a bad thing to do.
She's at the most (physically, emotionally, socially) awkward age of her life, so instead of worrying too much about her worrying about her physical self, it might be more worthwhile to discuss with her your personal female heroines and encourage her to find ones of her own; women who are smart and brave and strong and accomplished as well as beautiful, so that she has positive reinforcement on other aspects of life that are just as valuable as physical beauty.
Also also it may help to remind her that people who treat her badly because of the color of her skin or the foreign cast to her features or the texture of her hair are racist fucking shitheads. My dad said the same thing to me when I was around 8 or 9 and it really made an impact on me (and unfortunately on my vocabulary).
posted by elizardbits at 9:29 PM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm sort of conflicted about repeatedly reassuring young girls that they are beautiful, as that reinforces the harmful belief that their physical attractiveness is the most important thing about them. If you back it up with other wonderful things you see in her, though, it's not in and of itself a bad thing to do.
She's at the most (physically, emotionally, socially) awkward age of her life, so instead of worrying too much about her worrying about her physical self, it might be more worthwhile to discuss with her your personal female heroines and encourage her to find ones of her own; women who are smart and brave and strong and accomplished as well as beautiful, so that she has positive reinforcement on other aspects of life that are just as valuable as physical beauty.
Also also it may help to remind her that people who treat her badly because of the color of her skin or the foreign cast to her features or the texture of her hair are racist fucking shitheads. My dad said the same thing to me when I was around 8 or 9 and it really made an impact on me (and unfortunately on my vocabulary).
posted by elizardbits at 9:29 PM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Reassure your cousin that it DOES get better. Junior high is really rough for a lot of people, particularly girls. You might encourage her to find an activity that she's passionate about; if she can find people who accept her for a talent or skill, rather than for how she looks, she'll be happier. For me, it was the debate team and Latin class because I'm a dork. I don't think I ever felt worse about myself than for those brief months during 7th grade when I tried to run with the popular kids, but once I found my dorky niche, things were better.
I also agree with the people who suggest not emphasizing that she's "beautiful in her own way" or whatever. That shit is patronizing and suggests that if she weren't beautiful, she'd be a less valuable person. Also, few junior high girls actually believe that they're beautiful, so if you use that angle she's probably not going to buy anything you say. Next time she says something about not liking the color of her skin, maybe ask her why. It might be good to hear directly from her what it is she dislikes. I'd be sympathetic but careful to emphasize that appearance doesn't make the person.
I'm mixed-race; my dad is East Asian. Like your cousin, I'm pale in the winter but get a really dark tan with only a bit of sun exposure. I grew up in a very white area. One time, when I was in 10th grade, a girl came up to me and asked, "I'm just wondering. What kind are you?" I was like, "Um, what?" and she asked again. It turned out that she was asking what race I am. I just laughed at her, because seriously. I immediately shared the story with my friends and we all laughed. In junior high, I probably would have been hurt, but by high school, I had "found my people," all of whom had different colors of skin and also didn't care about stuff like skin color. I am sure that your cousin will find her own people in due time, and until then, you can be a sympathetic voice of reason.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 9:55 PM on June 13, 2013
I also agree with the people who suggest not emphasizing that she's "beautiful in her own way" or whatever. That shit is patronizing and suggests that if she weren't beautiful, she'd be a less valuable person. Also, few junior high girls actually believe that they're beautiful, so if you use that angle she's probably not going to buy anything you say. Next time she says something about not liking the color of her skin, maybe ask her why. It might be good to hear directly from her what it is she dislikes. I'd be sympathetic but careful to emphasize that appearance doesn't make the person.
I'm mixed-race; my dad is East Asian. Like your cousin, I'm pale in the winter but get a really dark tan with only a bit of sun exposure. I grew up in a very white area. One time, when I was in 10th grade, a girl came up to me and asked, "I'm just wondering. What kind are you?" I was like, "Um, what?" and she asked again. It turned out that she was asking what race I am. I just laughed at her, because seriously. I immediately shared the story with my friends and we all laughed. In junior high, I probably would have been hurt, but by high school, I had "found my people," all of whom had different colors of skin and also didn't care about stuff like skin color. I am sure that your cousin will find her own people in due time, and until then, you can be a sympathetic voice of reason.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 9:55 PM on June 13, 2013
The thing she doesn't know is that most people at that age have an experience where someone says something nasty and they obsess over it, fearing that the person merely put into words what everyone around them knows is true but is too polite to say, and become neurotic about it not realizing the remark was actually just a knee-jerk off-the-cuff thing intended to cause hurt or get attention, the person who said it probably doesn't even remember saying it.
Perhaps stories of people (yourself) and the things your obsessed over for years because of hurtful comments, only to realise later on that it wasn't the spoken tip of an unspoken iceberg, it was just someone trying to get a reaction, and succeeding far beyond what the realize.
Some way to get her focused on her mistake, so it's not you meaninglessly reassuring her that her skin is fine (that won't work), but pointing out a cognitive error she is making, same as what you did at her age, with an unspoken message that her skin concern is faintly ridiculous to you and should be to her, but that her reasons for the concern are very real to you and completely understandable. (Your example neuroticism from your past should be something that is clearly ridiculously false to her, and you can play up how mortified about it you were)
posted by anonymisc at 10:37 PM on June 13, 2013
Perhaps stories of people (yourself) and the things your obsessed over for years because of hurtful comments, only to realise later on that it wasn't the spoken tip of an unspoken iceberg, it was just someone trying to get a reaction, and succeeding far beyond what the realize.
Some way to get her focused on her mistake, so it's not you meaninglessly reassuring her that her skin is fine (that won't work), but pointing out a cognitive error she is making, same as what you did at her age, with an unspoken message that her skin concern is faintly ridiculous to you and should be to her, but that her reasons for the concern are very real to you and completely understandable. (Your example neuroticism from your past should be something that is clearly ridiculously false to her, and you can play up how mortified about it you were)
posted by anonymisc at 10:37 PM on June 13, 2013
Hand pick some media that reinforces what you're trying to tell her. The website XO Vain (the beauty-related spin-off of XO Jane) has a regular columnist, Faz (who may have a similar complexion to your niece) who addresses lots of great make up and skin/hair ideas and tips in her pieces. Her articles may not be totally suitable for a girl her age, but visible examples of gorgeous, positive-minded women with your niece's complexion will reinforce confidence.
posted by quince at 10:42 PM on June 13, 2013
posted by quince at 10:42 PM on June 13, 2013
Also tell her her future - that a boy is going to make an unflattering comment about her boobs or her butt or something to do with her future figure (some boys do this), and she's going to flip out and think her boobs are wrong and hate them, except NOW THAT I'VE TOLD YOU IT WILL PROBABLY HAPPEN AND IT HAPPENS NOMATTER WHAT YOUR BOOBS ARE LIKE, you'll know not to get worried, right?
posted by anonymisc at 10:44 PM on June 13, 2013
posted by anonymisc at 10:44 PM on June 13, 2013
I really really like the above sentiment and think you should echo it in your time with her, in whatever way makes sense, even if just role-modeling the idea somehow: "You don't have to be pretty if you don't want to be. It is not your job."
That said, when I was that age I DID desperately want to feel pretty but also felt completely unskilled and in the dark about the secret girl styling and hygiene things. Maybe some simple "expert" advice or little shopping excursions with her cool older cousin might do something to boost her confidence. Having a routine or tool feels special and might ease her insecurity. See what she's curious about and treat her to some age appropriate beauty tips:
--Keep your skin clean and healthy. Go out together and buy gentle washcloths or those made for babies and talk about cleaning gently every night (no soap). She might not even need a cleanser but a gentle one might make her feel grown-up, go for something with natural ingredients and watch out for gunk that just causes skin problems. Try Burt's Bees or Neutrogena or something from a natural foods store. Acne treating formulas can be too strong and dry skin out, which will actually cause acne. If she has oily skin which she doesn't like, witch hazel or rose water sprays are gentle astringents.
--Have a girls night and make some homemade masks together out of fruit and natural ingredients (lots of recipes out on the web.)
--Nail polish might give her an outlet to do something girly and cool without focusing on heavy make-up.
--If her parents are into it, I've always thought that blush is a healthy introduction to make-up because it's supposed to compliment your natural complexion and make you look lively and healthy. Try a cream blush or a tint and give her a lesson in applying it, especially to use sparingly.
--Some simple cool hair trick? Braiding, hip top knot... (I honestly didn't even know how to put my hair in an attractive looking ponytail at that age until a friend taught me.) You could make some of these trendy hair ties together, super easy and cheap.
In general, if you do any of these things with her, you should focus on the fact that she doesn't HAVE to do any of these things or put on make-up before she leaves the house, but these are tools and tricks she can use if she wants to, giving her a sense of control and confidence.
posted by dahliachewswell at 11:09 PM on June 13, 2013
That said, when I was that age I DID desperately want to feel pretty but also felt completely unskilled and in the dark about the secret girl styling and hygiene things. Maybe some simple "expert" advice or little shopping excursions with her cool older cousin might do something to boost her confidence. Having a routine or tool feels special and might ease her insecurity. See what she's curious about and treat her to some age appropriate beauty tips:
--Keep your skin clean and healthy. Go out together and buy gentle washcloths or those made for babies and talk about cleaning gently every night (no soap). She might not even need a cleanser but a gentle one might make her feel grown-up, go for something with natural ingredients and watch out for gunk that just causes skin problems. Try Burt's Bees or Neutrogena or something from a natural foods store. Acne treating formulas can be too strong and dry skin out, which will actually cause acne. If she has oily skin which she doesn't like, witch hazel or rose water sprays are gentle astringents.
--Have a girls night and make some homemade masks together out of fruit and natural ingredients (lots of recipes out on the web.)
--Nail polish might give her an outlet to do something girly and cool without focusing on heavy make-up.
--If her parents are into it, I've always thought that blush is a healthy introduction to make-up because it's supposed to compliment your natural complexion and make you look lively and healthy. Try a cream blush or a tint and give her a lesson in applying it, especially to use sparingly.
--Some simple cool hair trick? Braiding, hip top knot... (I honestly didn't even know how to put my hair in an attractive looking ponytail at that age until a friend taught me.) You could make some of these trendy hair ties together, super easy and cheap.
In general, if you do any of these things with her, you should focus on the fact that she doesn't HAVE to do any of these things or put on make-up before she leaves the house, but these are tools and tricks she can use if she wants to, giving her a sense of control and confidence.
posted by dahliachewswell at 11:09 PM on June 13, 2013
I don't know if this would work for a 12-year-old girl or not, but I find it very telling that in India/Asia you see tubes of skin whitening cream and some people spend lots of money and effort in trying to make/keep their skin as light as possible. Meanwhile in the West, some people spend lots of money/effort on tanning lotions, give themselves cancer in tanning salons, go to the beach to lie in the sun and turn brown, etc.
Many people want to look differently from the way they actually look and can actually hurt themselves doing so. Whatever her skin colour, there is someone out there who wishes their skin looked like hers.
posted by Athanassiel at 11:57 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Many people want to look differently from the way they actually look and can actually hurt themselves doing so. Whatever her skin colour, there is someone out there who wishes their skin looked like hers.
posted by Athanassiel at 11:57 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
My goodness! Most of the world population is not white! She is in the majority; her schoolmates are ill informed, callow, and possibly jealous.
posted by Cranberry at 12:01 AM on June 14, 2013
posted by Cranberry at 12:01 AM on June 14, 2013
This was me as a kid, the lone Japanese girl in a sea of blue-eyed blondes. I used to worry about my skin tone, my hair color and texture, and even the shape of my nose. Seriously, I'd practice trying to hold my nostrils in so that it wouldn't look quite so flat and "Asian". It was awful. It didn't help that my medium complexion and stocky build didn't really fit the pale, willowy ideal of popular East Asians either. I'd get teased and couldn't participate in "normal" beauty discussions with my friends, so overall, I felt very out of place and unhappy.
As I got older, however, a couple of things helped.
One, I came to realize that all the magazine and TV ads featuring supermodels and other beautiful people were designed to make everybody feel bad about themselves, not just me. It's possible that having a discussion with your cousin about gender portrayals and general marketing practices will help with her overall world view. The "beautiful in your own way" wouldn't have worked with me at all, but a frank discussion about portrayals of femininity throughout history might have gotten through. I wouldn't use those particular terms, of course, but it can be really eye-opening to examine the meaning of "beauty" over the years and across cultures.
Two, age and ethnic appropriate beauty tips over my preteen and teen years would've been huge for my self-esteem. Naturally, this should only apply if she expresses an interest in this sort of thing, but for years I tried imitating the cosmetic routines of my Caucasian girl friends, and it was frustrating as hell when I ended up just looking...weird. My foundation was always too pale, eyeshadow colors were totally baffling to me, and lipstick...let's just say that "clown chic" isn't a good look on anyone. My mom didn't really know anything about makeup, so it wasn't until college that I finally started to get a handle on this stuff, and I still struggle with it today, but it's become so much easier now that I have a sense of how to select appropriate products for my individual appearance.
Three, meeting more people in general helped a ton. Just discovering that there are a lot more people out there than the snotty popular clique in middle school is so key. Meeting people who looked like me was definitely useful, but realizing that there are lots of different kinds of people who don't look like me, and don't really care if I look like them, was a very big lesson to take in. Learning the reverse was also instructive, if painful, because there are definitely small-minded, racist jerks out there, but learning that "normal" doesn't necessarily mean anything in the real world? That was way more important.
Finally, just give her a lot of real, totally genuine love, both for what she does, but also how she looks. You don't have to make a big deal about it, just be admiring and supportive. Growing up, I got teased a lot by my classmates at school, and at home my parents would routinely call me fat, so it was many years before I ever felt like I could be attractive. Most of that was cultural or age-related, and I get that now, but it was really tough to hear as a kid, and I think it would've meant a lot to have more trusted authority figures in my life who admired my looks, and also didn't render me invisible. I was a "bright" kid, so people had a tendency to tell me things like "Oh, you're so smart and you're going to get into a great college. Beauty is only skin deep, so it doesn't matter what you look like," but inside I'd be dying because I felt ugly, out of place, and unlovable. The inside is what matters most, but pretending the outside doesn't exist isn't helpful when you're drowning in adolescent anxiety and brutal peer judgement.
posted by Diagonalize at 2:57 AM on June 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
As I got older, however, a couple of things helped.
One, I came to realize that all the magazine and TV ads featuring supermodels and other beautiful people were designed to make everybody feel bad about themselves, not just me. It's possible that having a discussion with your cousin about gender portrayals and general marketing practices will help with her overall world view. The "beautiful in your own way" wouldn't have worked with me at all, but a frank discussion about portrayals of femininity throughout history might have gotten through. I wouldn't use those particular terms, of course, but it can be really eye-opening to examine the meaning of "beauty" over the years and across cultures.
Two, age and ethnic appropriate beauty tips over my preteen and teen years would've been huge for my self-esteem. Naturally, this should only apply if she expresses an interest in this sort of thing, but for years I tried imitating the cosmetic routines of my Caucasian girl friends, and it was frustrating as hell when I ended up just looking...weird. My foundation was always too pale, eyeshadow colors were totally baffling to me, and lipstick...let's just say that "clown chic" isn't a good look on anyone. My mom didn't really know anything about makeup, so it wasn't until college that I finally started to get a handle on this stuff, and I still struggle with it today, but it's become so much easier now that I have a sense of how to select appropriate products for my individual appearance.
Three, meeting more people in general helped a ton. Just discovering that there are a lot more people out there than the snotty popular clique in middle school is so key. Meeting people who looked like me was definitely useful, but realizing that there are lots of different kinds of people who don't look like me, and don't really care if I look like them, was a very big lesson to take in. Learning the reverse was also instructive, if painful, because there are definitely small-minded, racist jerks out there, but learning that "normal" doesn't necessarily mean anything in the real world? That was way more important.
Finally, just give her a lot of real, totally genuine love, both for what she does, but also how she looks. You don't have to make a big deal about it, just be admiring and supportive. Growing up, I got teased a lot by my classmates at school, and at home my parents would routinely call me fat, so it was many years before I ever felt like I could be attractive. Most of that was cultural or age-related, and I get that now, but it was really tough to hear as a kid, and I think it would've meant a lot to have more trusted authority figures in my life who admired my looks, and also didn't render me invisible. I was a "bright" kid, so people had a tendency to tell me things like "Oh, you're so smart and you're going to get into a great college. Beauty is only skin deep, so it doesn't matter what you look like," but inside I'd be dying because I felt ugly, out of place, and unlovable. The inside is what matters most, but pretending the outside doesn't exist isn't helpful when you're drowning in adolescent anxiety and brutal peer judgement.
posted by Diagonalize at 2:57 AM on June 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
My neighbour's daughter is the same age with the opposite problem. Very pretty, but feels she is far too pale (and apparently gets some gentle ribbing about this at school).
I think she's just at an age where she's going to worry about her physical appearance more than normal.
posted by backwards guitar at 3:35 AM on June 14, 2013
I think she's just at an age where she's going to worry about her physical appearance more than normal.
posted by backwards guitar at 3:35 AM on June 14, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks, everybody. I feel like I know what to say now. She LOVES makeup, so Michelle Pham sounds like a good resource. And the other responses I marked are things that I can actually imagine saying to her, that get at what I actually feel. Thanks for that.
And good lord, I am never ever ever mentioning skin lightening cream to her; this may be "the world" but that stuff is abominable, and I can only imagine how hurt she'd be if anyone ever told her she should use it.
posted by ocherdraco at 3:45 AM on June 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
And good lord, I am never ever ever mentioning skin lightening cream to her; this may be "the world" but that stuff is abominable, and I can only imagine how hurt she'd be if anyone ever told her she should use it.
posted by ocherdraco at 3:45 AM on June 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
I love a lot of the advice above, especially about joining Girl Scouts and finding other talents and just not thinking so much about what she looks like.
I have a kind of weird, possibly stupid idea, but here it is. It sounds like she just isn't around a lot of East Asian folks, and honestly American media don't really help with that. But, weirdly, there's Hawaii Five-0. If you've never watched it, it might actually be useful to her. First, it's a terribly written, hacky cop show, and I'm not going to lie about that. But, it has more East Asian characters than any US network show ever, of a range of ethnicities and skin colors. In particular, your cousin might like Kono, the character played by Grace Park (of Battlestar Galactica fame, but I don't think your cousin would find her BG character...comforting). Kono is a surfer, a sharp-shooter, and good with computers. Grace Park is a darker complexioned Korean-American woman and a generally fun actress who seems to do at least some of her own action scenes.
Also on the the show is Daniel Day Kim (from Lost) who is also Korean-American, but lighter complexioned (and possibly the most beautiful man on earth). Other main characters of Asian ethnicity are played by Masi Oka (from Heroes), who is Japanese-American, and Taylor Wily, who is Somoan-Hawaiian. And then there are also lots of minor characters who are Asian (unfortunately, some of them are Yakuza, because it's a terrible, hacky cop show), and of course any street scene in Hawaii is going to have people of a range of ethnicities.
So, anyway, that's my stupid idea: Grace Park is awesome, and maybe your cousin would appreciate that.
posted by hydropsyche at 5:37 AM on June 14, 2013
I have a kind of weird, possibly stupid idea, but here it is. It sounds like she just isn't around a lot of East Asian folks, and honestly American media don't really help with that. But, weirdly, there's Hawaii Five-0. If you've never watched it, it might actually be useful to her. First, it's a terribly written, hacky cop show, and I'm not going to lie about that. But, it has more East Asian characters than any US network show ever, of a range of ethnicities and skin colors. In particular, your cousin might like Kono, the character played by Grace Park (of Battlestar Galactica fame, but I don't think your cousin would find her BG character...comforting). Kono is a surfer, a sharp-shooter, and good with computers. Grace Park is a darker complexioned Korean-American woman and a generally fun actress who seems to do at least some of her own action scenes.
Also on the the show is Daniel Day Kim (from Lost) who is also Korean-American, but lighter complexioned (and possibly the most beautiful man on earth). Other main characters of Asian ethnicity are played by Masi Oka (from Heroes), who is Japanese-American, and Taylor Wily, who is Somoan-Hawaiian. And then there are also lots of minor characters who are Asian (unfortunately, some of them are Yakuza, because it's a terrible, hacky cop show), and of course any street scene in Hawaii is going to have people of a range of ethnicities.
So, anyway, that's my stupid idea: Grace Park is awesome, and maybe your cousin would appreciate that.
posted by hydropsyche at 5:37 AM on June 14, 2013
By the way, don't forget to let her know that it is not only girls from minority races who are insecure about their looks -- MANY of them are zeroing in on SOMETHING about themselves-- and remind her that kids are just plain mean at this age. If they can be effectively mean by being racist they will be, but they will also be mean just to win dominance; they will tease the kid who's bad at gym, or the kid with weird shoes -- whoever seems most vulnerable. This perspective helps with the tween in my life who is teased for an ethnic feature. I tell her that the idiots in her grade can smell insecurity and go for it like sharks go for blood. Kids of this age have to master the inner voice telling themselves they are fine the way they are AND the dismissive, blank-faced, withering response to the idiot.
posted by third rail at 7:17 AM on June 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by third rail at 7:17 AM on June 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I felt bad about my dark skin while growing up in a very white town in the midwest. I thought boys wouldn't like me. I told myself I would fix my dark skin just like Michael Jackson did!
Everything changed when I moved to Southern California and saw people of all kinds of ethnicities. And many which I had to admit were quite beautiful.
Perhaps it's too much of a focus on beauty, but I would just casually verbalize it when you happen to see someone who is both dark-skinned and beautiful. Don't focus on the color or anything. She will definitely notice that herself.
Personally, I would not give her the impression that she is totally surrounded by racists or terrible people. That is scary.
I also would not tell her she is beautiful no matter what her skin color is. That makes it sound like her skin color is bad, and it's not. If she says she doesn't like her skin color, you could try something simple like "Really? Wow. I was just thinking how pretty it is!"
posted by pizzazz at 10:44 AM on June 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Everything changed when I moved to Southern California and saw people of all kinds of ethnicities. And many which I had to admit were quite beautiful.
Perhaps it's too much of a focus on beauty, but I would just casually verbalize it when you happen to see someone who is both dark-skinned and beautiful. Don't focus on the color or anything. She will definitely notice that herself.
Personally, I would not give her the impression that she is totally surrounded by racists or terrible people. That is scary.
I also would not tell her she is beautiful no matter what her skin color is. That makes it sound like her skin color is bad, and it's not. If she says she doesn't like her skin color, you could try something simple like "Really? Wow. I was just thinking how pretty it is!"
posted by pizzazz at 10:44 AM on June 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am East Asian myself and it is easy to buy into the 'pale is beautiful' propaganda. If she's up for it, I would really encourage her to join in team sports or drill, basically any team or club that does stuff outdoors.
A lot of it has to do with who she hangs out with and the type of media she consumes. What the East Asian media is churning out isn't going to help and it seems like her friends aren't doing anything to dissuade her from her line of thought, so change the setting.
I was on several school teams as a teen and when you're trying to win one for the team, you don't give a fuck about how dark you are, everyone's got some kind of a tan, it shows you've been practicing your ass off. Also, from what I can recall, the other kids were usually much better when it comes to body image issues, so if she has them as her peers, it'll be much easier for her to deal that other noise.
Of course, always wear sun screen.
posted by jyorraku at 10:45 PM on June 14, 2013
A lot of it has to do with who she hangs out with and the type of media she consumes. What the East Asian media is churning out isn't going to help and it seems like her friends aren't doing anything to dissuade her from her line of thought, so change the setting.
I was on several school teams as a teen and when you're trying to win one for the team, you don't give a fuck about how dark you are, everyone's got some kind of a tan, it shows you've been practicing your ass off. Also, from what I can recall, the other kids were usually much better when it comes to body image issues, so if she has them as her peers, it'll be much easier for her to deal that other noise.
Of course, always wear sun screen.
posted by jyorraku at 10:45 PM on June 14, 2013
Response by poster: I should add that all the suggestions for girl scouts, team sports, etc., are good ones, but beyond my scope. I live many states away, and am only seeing her so much this summer because I am visiting my parents for a month. All I can really do is talk, and, more importantly, listen.
posted by ocherdraco at 11:44 AM on June 15, 2013
posted by ocherdraco at 11:44 AM on June 15, 2013
Nthing just listening. Maybe some books or blogs by women who have had similar experiences, that she can absorb on her own time (especially by women who she identifies with)? Offhand I know there's a tumblr called "angryasiangirlsunited" that talks about a lot of these issues and has a lot of personal stories.
posted by petiteviolette at 11:47 PM on June 25, 2013
posted by petiteviolette at 11:47 PM on June 25, 2013
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For instance, I got bullied horribly for my breast size all through my life. As I have grown up, I found that there were many beautiful people with the same shape as me, and although compared to my small group of school friends I had smaller breasts, when compared to all women I wasn't "weird" or "ugly."
Are there other role models for her that share her skin tone and heritage?
That makes her feel like she's actually not different, and that there are people who are beautiful of all shapes, sizes, skin tones, etc.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:48 PM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]