Is it acceptable to date multiple people at a time?
June 10, 2013 8:05 PM Subscribe
I'm in my late twenties, straight and male and I've been having a persistent problem in relationships: I like dating, and I don't like being exclusive after a month or two of dating. I also don't like spending 4-5 days a week with someone after that amount of time. What can I do and how can I set expectations while emphasizing I'm not trying to have casual sex with a lot of people?
I really struggled with this as it sort of felt like I was writing a male fantasy: I want to date a lot of people at the same time! Except I'm not looking for casual sex, I did this and it was fun but it is no longer what I'm looking for.
What I am looking for is the ability to casually date. Again, nothing to do with casual sex, but I feel as if I find my self in serious long-term relationships after what is, for me, a very short time period of 6-8 weeks.
For example, my last relationship was great. I really, really liked the girl I was with. However, she was sending very strong signals that she was looking for a serious relationships. 2-3 weeks in if I had gone a date with another girl I would have felt like cheating. I felt like she didn't want someone who was not willing to go "all in."
In previous relationships I tried to open the communication lines early and say that while I was crazy for them that I wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship, that I was by no means wanting to treat this as a fuck buddy relationship and that I would break it if off before I had sex with someone else but I still wasn't ready for exclusivity. This didn't mean I would throw it in someone's face, but I wasn't ready to commit.
After my last experience I went on a date with the person I broke it off with to go on a date with and it went horrible. It reminded me why I wanted to be with that person and this has been a common theme for me.
Am I asking for the impossible, or is my dating pool just strange?
I really struggled with this as it sort of felt like I was writing a male fantasy: I want to date a lot of people at the same time! Except I'm not looking for casual sex, I did this and it was fun but it is no longer what I'm looking for.
What I am looking for is the ability to casually date. Again, nothing to do with casual sex, but I feel as if I find my self in serious long-term relationships after what is, for me, a very short time period of 6-8 weeks.
For example, my last relationship was great. I really, really liked the girl I was with. However, she was sending very strong signals that she was looking for a serious relationships. 2-3 weeks in if I had gone a date with another girl I would have felt like cheating. I felt like she didn't want someone who was not willing to go "all in."
In previous relationships I tried to open the communication lines early and say that while I was crazy for them that I wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship, that I was by no means wanting to treat this as a fuck buddy relationship and that I would break it if off before I had sex with someone else but I still wasn't ready for exclusivity. This didn't mean I would throw it in someone's face, but I wasn't ready to commit.
After my last experience I went on a date with the person I broke it off with to go on a date with and it went horrible. It reminded me why I wanted to be with that person and this has been a common theme for me.
Am I asking for the impossible, or is my dating pool just strange?
Not at all! People have different ideas about what they want in dating relationships, and that's not even a slightly unusual thing to want. Just be up-front about your expectations and hopes up-front.
posted by xingcat at 8:10 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 8:10 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
After my last experience I went on a date with the person I broke it off with to go on a date with and it went horrible. It reminded me why I wanted to be with that person and this has been a common theme for me.
Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet, but can you please clarify?
posted by Salamander at 8:15 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet, but can you please clarify?
posted by Salamander at 8:15 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you're on OkCupid, I would suggest checking off just the "short term dating" box, and look for women with the same. I would not say that what you're looking for is impossible, but yes, your preferences mean your dating pool is smaller.
posted by Asparagus at 8:18 PM on June 10, 2013
posted by Asparagus at 8:18 PM on June 10, 2013
Can you frame it as: "I like to take the early months of dating slowly, I like to take a long time to get to know someone before becoming exclusive. I just feel like it takes me, personally, a longish time to really get to know people, and it's easier for me at that pace. Some women find it much too slow, and I won't take it personally if you do!"
Don't make it about "I don't like to commit so soon" but rather frame it positively as "I do like to get to know people really well (before committing)."
Wait for her to bring up sex, and at that point be honest. (Not explicit, but honest.) "I'm not interested in casual sex and I'm not having sex with anybody else right now, but I'm not willing to commit to exclusivity yet. If that's important to you, I respect that, but it's too early for me to commit to that." Or whatever your thing is. And then listen to her response.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:26 PM on June 10, 2013 [21 favorites]
Don't make it about "I don't like to commit so soon" but rather frame it positively as "I do like to get to know people really well (before committing)."
Wait for her to bring up sex, and at that point be honest. (Not explicit, but honest.) "I'm not interested in casual sex and I'm not having sex with anybody else right now, but I'm not willing to commit to exclusivity yet. If that's important to you, I respect that, but it's too early for me to commit to that." Or whatever your thing is. And then listen to her response.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:26 PM on June 10, 2013 [21 favorites]
I can't speak to your dating pool, but the overwhelming majority of my friends in their 20s and 30s don't date exclusively at all. Just be clear about what you're looking for from day one. There are a ton of men and women on OKCupid who say right in their profile that they don't do exclusive.
posted by Jairus at 8:33 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Jairus at 8:33 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I totally get what you're looking for, but the problem might be less about you setting clear boundaries and more about the fact that a lot (most?) people are dating to find someone for serious. So you might tell them what you want and they might understand, but their desires (which they have not mapped as pre-emptively) differ, and so you have to take the lead in calling things off. I always tell myself that it's my responsibility both to state my boundaries and to (nicely) call things off if they differ from what I want-- it's my responsibility to track this, not someone else's just because I told them upfront. I understand how frustrating it is to want something like this and feel like you're talking into the wind, but knowing what you want doesn't mean people will give it to you.
I do know a lot of people in their late 20s and early 30s who totally do want this kind of thing though (want a casual relationship + sex, don't want to jump into exclusivity, maybe want things slightly "open" or to date around, want a lot of time before commitment), and they tend to run in crowds, it seems-- so it would seem easier to me to befriend people like this than to just fish for them on OKCupid or in a group you know is much more prone to coupling off.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:41 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I do know a lot of people in their late 20s and early 30s who totally do want this kind of thing though (want a casual relationship + sex, don't want to jump into exclusivity, maybe want things slightly "open" or to date around, want a lot of time before commitment), and they tend to run in crowds, it seems-- so it would seem easier to me to befriend people like this than to just fish for them on OKCupid or in a group you know is much more prone to coupling off.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:41 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh hey! We are very similar. For me, part of addressing this has been realizing these points, which I've learned, for better or for worse, through some rockiness:
1) The completely irrational concept of "chemistry" is a very real and important thing for me.
1a) Just because I "like" someone on paper, or feel like I should like them, or like them as a friend, doesn't mean I have to carry the romantic relationship further.
1b) You don't need a reason to choose to end a potential relationship as long as you do it in a respectful and mature way. "I don't want this relationship" is a sufficient reason.
2) I strongly prefer to be single than to be with Someone Just Because, and that's ok, even though it's not always popular.
Generally, I'm highly protective (to a fault) of my time, solitude, and independence, and the idea of being accountable to someone else in the way that an adult relationship requires seems almost painful to me. However, the one time I felt genuine, intense chemistry with someone, that wasn't an issue-- I suddenly had all the time in the world for her. It felt remarkable. That was something I felt almost immediately upon meeting, not something that would have emerged after six weeks.
A number of times (too many), I've been in the situation you described, where someone ramped a relationship up way, way quicker than I wanted. I'm a people pleaser and it's really hard for me to say no to someone who shows a strong interest in me. It took me a while to listen carefully to myself and to understand that from me, "too soon" really means "yeah, not you". And that painfully drawing out an unwanted relationship that the other person sees potential in is cruel, not kind.
So, YMMV. What I've said may not be the case for you, and it may be that you're just more poly-oriented at the moment. On the other hand, maybe none of these people have been right for you. I don't believe in some sort of magical "The One", but I do feel that for those who aren't inclined towards relationships in and of themselves, finding someone to be in a great one with can be really, really tough, and few people might fit that category. That's ok.
posted by threeants at 8:47 PM on June 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
1) The completely irrational concept of "chemistry" is a very real and important thing for me.
1a) Just because I "like" someone on paper, or feel like I should like them, or like them as a friend, doesn't mean I have to carry the romantic relationship further.
1b) You don't need a reason to choose to end a potential relationship as long as you do it in a respectful and mature way. "I don't want this relationship" is a sufficient reason.
2) I strongly prefer to be single than to be with Someone Just Because, and that's ok, even though it's not always popular.
Generally, I'm highly protective (to a fault) of my time, solitude, and independence, and the idea of being accountable to someone else in the way that an adult relationship requires seems almost painful to me. However, the one time I felt genuine, intense chemistry with someone, that wasn't an issue-- I suddenly had all the time in the world for her. It felt remarkable. That was something I felt almost immediately upon meeting, not something that would have emerged after six weeks.
A number of times (too many), I've been in the situation you described, where someone ramped a relationship up way, way quicker than I wanted. I'm a people pleaser and it's really hard for me to say no to someone who shows a strong interest in me. It took me a while to listen carefully to myself and to understand that from me, "too soon" really means "yeah, not you". And that painfully drawing out an unwanted relationship that the other person sees potential in is cruel, not kind.
So, YMMV. What I've said may not be the case for you, and it may be that you're just more poly-oriented at the moment. On the other hand, maybe none of these people have been right for you. I don't believe in some sort of magical "The One", but I do feel that for those who aren't inclined towards relationships in and of themselves, finding someone to be in a great one with can be really, really tough, and few people might fit that category. That's ok.
posted by threeants at 8:47 PM on June 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
I hate to say this but I can't imagine anything you can say that wouldn't sound like a pretty manipulative line to lead a girl on. I'm not saying that's what you're doing or your intentions, but the scenario your describing is a pretty cliche cover story a lot of guys use to get casual sex. Basically a way to keep a girl on the backburner so to speak.
I think honestly you are going to need to compromise your time frames a bit. A lot of people aren't interested in extended casual dating. I personally would find it pretty frustrating and confusing unless I was pretty lukewarm about the guy and didn't want something serious with him anyway, which probably isn't the attitude you are searching for in the women you date.
posted by whoaali at 8:47 PM on June 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
I think honestly you are going to need to compromise your time frames a bit. A lot of people aren't interested in extended casual dating. I personally would find it pretty frustrating and confusing unless I was pretty lukewarm about the guy and didn't want something serious with him anyway, which probably isn't the attitude you are searching for in the women you date.
posted by whoaali at 8:47 PM on June 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
I'm a 28 year old lady who likes both relationships and casual sex (edit: i mean to say, casual dating, which i equate with sex), and I'd just ask that you state your intentions honestly and let me chose to stay or go. If at that stage someone tells me one thing and then acts another way, I'm out of there. Integrity won't get you what you want every time, but when you do get it, it will be a hell of a lot less stressful than worrying about managing all of the weirdness that dating manipulation creates.
In short, that is totally reasonable, with the ladies that want that too. Be nice and let everyone else go.
posted by cakebatter at 8:47 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
In short, that is totally reasonable, with the ladies that want that too. Be nice and let everyone else go.
posted by cakebatter at 8:47 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
That's fine if that's what you want to do and are clear about it.
You cannot do anything about people who will subsequently refuse to see you again. A lot of people do not want to do that*, and they will either not date you or will and be miserable about it.
After my last experience
I went on a date with the person I broke it off with
to go on a date with
and it went horrible.
It reminded me why I wanted to be with
that person
and this has been a common theme for me.
I have no idea what this means. It almost sounds like you went out with Person A, broke it off to go out with B, and it made you remember why you wanted to go out with A. If that is the case, and the question you are asking is "I want to play the field but I don't like playing the field, make me like it" you are probably out of luck. You feel how you feel.
If it means you broke it off with A to go out with B, which went horribly and you wanted to be with B because it went horribly, that is also a pretty touch niche to fill.
*I think there are a lot more people who want to want to do that than people who actually can do it. People are concerned about fluid monogamy, or want to take a straight shot at getting to know someone for a while without interference, or are just jealous. You are excluding all those people from your pool if those are not the kind of people you want to date. That's just how it works.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:54 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
You cannot do anything about people who will subsequently refuse to see you again. A lot of people do not want to do that*, and they will either not date you or will and be miserable about it.
After my last experience
I went on a date with the person I broke it off with
to go on a date with
and it went horrible.
It reminded me why I wanted to be with
that person
and this has been a common theme for me.
I have no idea what this means. It almost sounds like you went out with Person A, broke it off to go out with B, and it made you remember why you wanted to go out with A. If that is the case, and the question you are asking is "I want to play the field but I don't like playing the field, make me like it" you are probably out of luck. You feel how you feel.
If it means you broke it off with A to go out with B, which went horribly and you wanted to be with B because it went horribly, that is also a pretty touch niche to fill.
*I think there are a lot more people who want to want to do that than people who actually can do it. People are concerned about fluid monogamy, or want to take a straight shot at getting to know someone for a while without interference, or are just jealous. You are excluding all those people from your pool if those are not the kind of people you want to date. That's just how it works.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:54 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
In previous relationships I tried to open the communication lines early and say that while I was crazy for them that I wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship, that I was by no means wanting to treat this as a fuck buddy relationship and that I would break it if off before I had sex with someone else but I still wasn't ready for exclusivity.
All right, so it sounds like what you do is lavish praise on these women in the very beginning, which makes them think you're really into them, when really that isn't the case beyond a very superficial level. If you want the best chance of making this casual dating thing work, leave out the part where you tell these women you're crazy about them and whatever other words regarding emotions you keep tossing around like they're nothing.
posted by wondermouse at 9:26 PM on June 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
All right, so it sounds like what you do is lavish praise on these women in the very beginning, which makes them think you're really into them, when really that isn't the case beyond a very superficial level. If you want the best chance of making this casual dating thing work, leave out the part where you tell these women you're crazy about them and whatever other words regarding emotions you keep tossing around like they're nothing.
posted by wondermouse at 9:26 PM on June 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
What is the difference [to you] between nonexclusive dating with sex and casual sex?
Do sex buddies typically expect exclusivity? Are you hoping to have sexual relationships with different people at the same time?
And how isn't that casual sex? Is it the label you don't like or is there something else to your relationships that you want included?
I guess when you say this:
...that I wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship, that I was by no means wanting to treat this as a fuck buddy relationship and that I would break it if off before I had sex with someone else but I still wasn't ready for exclusivity.
I read this as you saying that you want to have a relationship ONLY UNTIL you find another person you want to have sex with and then, at that time, you expect to dump your first partner completely. At that point I am a bit confused as to how you wouldn't be hurting that partner every time you do that? You seem to be asking for their attention and interest in a relationshipy way, but you want to be able to walk away as well. That sounds a bit tricky to do while being honest about your expectations and intentions....
posted by calgirl at 9:50 PM on June 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
Do sex buddies typically expect exclusivity? Are you hoping to have sexual relationships with different people at the same time?
And how isn't that casual sex? Is it the label you don't like or is there something else to your relationships that you want included?
I guess when you say this:
...that I wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship, that I was by no means wanting to treat this as a fuck buddy relationship and that I would break it if off before I had sex with someone else but I still wasn't ready for exclusivity.
I read this as you saying that you want to have a relationship ONLY UNTIL you find another person you want to have sex with and then, at that time, you expect to dump your first partner completely. At that point I am a bit confused as to how you wouldn't be hurting that partner every time you do that? You seem to be asking for their attention and interest in a relationshipy way, but you want to be able to walk away as well. That sounds a bit tricky to do while being honest about your expectations and intentions....
posted by calgirl at 9:50 PM on June 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
I agree with wondermouse- if I was dating a guy and he told me he was crazy about me, I was great, he was so into me... buuut he still wanted to date other people two months in, in case he found someone he was even more crazy about? I imagine I might feel like I was in an extended crazy-making audition process.
The sex thing complicates the situation even more, since I can't tell if you want to have sexual relationships with several women at the same time or if you would break up with Woman A before having sex with Woman B, who you had also been casually dating alongside Woman A? How does that not suck for Woman A? She would either be one of your several girlfriends you're having sex with, which if a monogamous relationship is her goal she would probably not be down with, or again, in a drawn out audition process where she just has to hope you don't find someone you'd like to have sex with among the women you're dating before you get to know her enough to commit.
A serious long-term relationship doesn't just happen at 6-8 weeks, but you can be in a monogamous relationship with the potential to be long-term at that point. Is that what you want? It sounds like you aren's sure, and that you're maybe more into the idea of this setup than the actual consequences of trying to run your dating life this way.
posted by MadamM at 10:00 PM on June 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
The sex thing complicates the situation even more, since I can't tell if you want to have sexual relationships with several women at the same time or if you would break up with Woman A before having sex with Woman B, who you had also been casually dating alongside Woman A? How does that not suck for Woman A? She would either be one of your several girlfriends you're having sex with, which if a monogamous relationship is her goal she would probably not be down with, or again, in a drawn out audition process where she just has to hope you don't find someone you'd like to have sex with among the women you're dating before you get to know her enough to commit.
A serious long-term relationship doesn't just happen at 6-8 weeks, but you can be in a monogamous relationship with the potential to be long-term at that point. Is that what you want? It sounds like you aren's sure, and that you're maybe more into the idea of this setup than the actual consequences of trying to run your dating life this way.
posted by MadamM at 10:00 PM on June 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
Most of my dating life in my late twenties, early thirties was spend dating multiple people. The key to it is, everyone has to be on the same page. It's not cheating if everyone knows that you're dating other people. After all, if you're making plans with Mary and you say, "Sorry, Friday's not good for me because I'm going out with Sue." She can't get angry if she already knows about Sue. If she does, well, say good-bye to Mary.
That's what worked for me, except it was Larry and Jim, since I'm a woman and only date guys. Seriously, you only want to date people who are cool with casual dating and won't give you drama. So long as you are up front and honest about the whole thing, it shouldn't be a pain.
posted by patheral at 10:05 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
That's what worked for me, except it was Larry and Jim, since I'm a woman and only date guys. Seriously, you only want to date people who are cool with casual dating and won't give you drama. So long as you are up front and honest about the whole thing, it shouldn't be a pain.
posted by patheral at 10:05 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
In previous relationships I tried to open the communication lines early and say that while I was crazy for them that I wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship.
If you're already crazy about someone when you tell them you don't want something serious you're probably not opening the communication lines early enough.
For example, my last relationship was great. I really, really liked the girl I was with. However, she was sending very strong signals that she was looking for a serious relationships. 2-3 weeks in if I had gone a date with another girl I would have felt like cheating. (emphasis mine)
I agree with the others here who are confused by the wording of your question. 2-3 weeks does not a relationship make, but I can see how you might feel guilty if you knew the other person wasn't on the same page as you and you didn't address it.
It sounds like if you were very clear with this woman at the start that you weren't looking for anything serious she wouldn't have slept with you. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be exclusive and there's nothing wrong with wanting to sleep with multiple people at the same time, but it kind of sounds like you want to do this without either scaring off women who will sleep with you or having a (slightly) uncomfortable conversation about expectations.
It reminded me why I wanted to be with that person and this has been a common theme for me.
This shouldn't be so complicated. Maybe you're confused about what you really want, and there's nothing wrong with that, either. "I'm not looking for anything serious." should cover all your bases.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:46 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you're already crazy about someone when you tell them you don't want something serious you're probably not opening the communication lines early enough.
For example, my last relationship was great. I really, really liked the girl I was with. However, she was sending very strong signals that she was looking for a serious relationships. 2-3 weeks in if I had gone a date with another girl I would have felt like cheating. (emphasis mine)
I agree with the others here who are confused by the wording of your question. 2-3 weeks does not a relationship make, but I can see how you might feel guilty if you knew the other person wasn't on the same page as you and you didn't address it.
It sounds like if you were very clear with this woman at the start that you weren't looking for anything serious she wouldn't have slept with you. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be exclusive and there's nothing wrong with wanting to sleep with multiple people at the same time, but it kind of sounds like you want to do this without either scaring off women who will sleep with you or having a (slightly) uncomfortable conversation about expectations.
It reminded me why I wanted to be with that person and this has been a common theme for me.
This shouldn't be so complicated. Maybe you're confused about what you really want, and there's nothing wrong with that, either. "I'm not looking for anything serious." should cover all your bases.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:46 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
It is perfectly acceptable to date multiple people IF, and only if!, you are upfront and honest ahead of time: going on even one date with someone who does not already know that you have absolutely no intention of ever being exclusive is unfair to them.
Besides being unfair to your partners, not telling them ahead of time is counterproductive for you: you want partners who would accept non-exclusion and being one of your many partners, so why waste time and effort with a person who would NOT be okay with that?
posted by easily confused at 2:35 AM on June 11, 2013
Besides being unfair to your partners, not telling them ahead of time is counterproductive for you: you want partners who would accept non-exclusion and being one of your many partners, so why waste time and effort with a person who would NOT be okay with that?
posted by easily confused at 2:35 AM on June 11, 2013
It's not as easy as it looks.
My experiences show me that
a. I am unlikely to find a partner who meets my exacting criteria but,
b. I prefer non-exclusive sex, withlong-term emotionally connected friends.
Further, my experience has shown that you can't filter for this on a dating site. People (willfully or otherwise) misunderstand. It has to occur organically through mutual respect, like, and communication. It's not easy, but it's worthwhile, and then gets complicated again when said friend meets a long term monogamous prospect but wishes to stay (somewhat) emotionally close.
posted by b33j at 3:26 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
My experiences show me that
a. I am unlikely to find a partner who meets my exacting criteria but,
b. I prefer non-exclusive sex, withlong-term emotionally connected friends.
Further, my experience has shown that you can't filter for this on a dating site. People (willfully or otherwise) misunderstand. It has to occur organically through mutual respect, like, and communication. It's not easy, but it's worthwhile, and then gets complicated again when said friend meets a long term monogamous prospect but wishes to stay (somewhat) emotionally close.
posted by b33j at 3:26 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
A whole lot of people are dating because they want to Find The Person To Have A Long Term Serious Relationship With. Note the definite article there - it's a singular thing for most folks. There are absolutely people who date with different agendas, ranging from the super skeevy (Find Multiple People To Use For Sex Behind My Spouse's Back) to the fairly innocuous (Find Polyamorous People To Spend Enjoyable Time With And Also Maybe Kiss And Stuff). A lot of folks who think they're fine with keeping things casual, really-o truly-o in their heart of hearts are looking for their One True Spouse. Getting on the same page with people will be the hardest part, especially if you're dating folks who have are mostly in the mindset of serial monogamy.
I think there are several key components to making things work for you. First off, you need to understand what YOU really want. It sounds like you've got a good start on that - you want to find several different partners to spend time with non-exclusively and physically. You want to preserve your alone time. You're interested in emotional as well as physical intimacy. You are not looking for a spouse or interested in dating monogamously. Does that sound about right? If you can communicate that to your prospective partners early on, and filter out people who think they'll change your mind after a few months, that'll be good. And be honest here - when you say you're not 'ready' for exclusivity, it makes it sound like with enough diligence and time and affection, that might change. Do you WANT exclusivity at all? Do you think you'd eventually like to 'settle down' with just one partner? (Hint: it's ok to say no, and also ok to say yes)
Really, I think the thing for you to do is look for more partners in the poly community - there are a lot of people who have very nice relationships that don't necessarily have to "go" anywhere, and aren't exclusive.
posted by lriG rorriM at 7:38 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think there are several key components to making things work for you. First off, you need to understand what YOU really want. It sounds like you've got a good start on that - you want to find several different partners to spend time with non-exclusively and physically. You want to preserve your alone time. You're interested in emotional as well as physical intimacy. You are not looking for a spouse or interested in dating monogamously. Does that sound about right? If you can communicate that to your prospective partners early on, and filter out people who think they'll change your mind after a few months, that'll be good. And be honest here - when you say you're not 'ready' for exclusivity, it makes it sound like with enough diligence and time and affection, that might change. Do you WANT exclusivity at all? Do you think you'd eventually like to 'settle down' with just one partner? (Hint: it's ok to say no, and also ok to say yes)
Really, I think the thing for you to do is look for more partners in the poly community - there are a lot of people who have very nice relationships that don't necessarily have to "go" anywhere, and aren't exclusive.
posted by lriG rorriM at 7:38 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Be honest with everyone, early.
posted by ead at 8:26 PM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ead at 8:26 PM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:09 PM on June 10, 2013