Why do I hate gifts?
June 10, 2013 8:12 AM Subscribe
I realized recently that I don't remember the last time I liked a gift I received from my partner or a close friend or family member. The more expensive the gift, the more I dislike it. Of the last four gifts I received from my fiancé I returned all four back to the store. I always find fault with them and I get positively angry that this money was spent on such an undeserving object. I find myself almost shaking as I drive back to the store to return the gift.
When I was growing up we didn't have a lot of money, but I always loved clothes, shoes and other objects that I couldn't possess. As I got older I began spending all my money on all those things I couldn't have before. I can now afford to have them, but I still hate to pay full price, and prefer instead to look for them on sale or hunt them down on eBay. I have over 100 pairs of shoes by now.
The funny thing is, I love buying gifts for others. I am generous and happy to buy expensive gifts. I take pride in picking out exactly the right thing for the person and I especially enjoy buying gifts for no special occasion.
My mother is like me about gifts, I can never get the right thing for her. She drives me crazy, because she's incapable of showing gratitude. I hate that I'm just like her. I am fully aware that it would make the gift giver happy if I showed appreciation, but if I don't like the gift, I am seething inside and won't rest until I've returned or exchanged it.
What does this say about me and how can I change?
When I was growing up we didn't have a lot of money, but I always loved clothes, shoes and other objects that I couldn't possess. As I got older I began spending all my money on all those things I couldn't have before. I can now afford to have them, but I still hate to pay full price, and prefer instead to look for them on sale or hunt them down on eBay. I have over 100 pairs of shoes by now.
The funny thing is, I love buying gifts for others. I am generous and happy to buy expensive gifts. I take pride in picking out exactly the right thing for the person and I especially enjoy buying gifts for no special occasion.
My mother is like me about gifts, I can never get the right thing for her. She drives me crazy, because she's incapable of showing gratitude. I hate that I'm just like her. I am fully aware that it would make the gift giver happy if I showed appreciation, but if I don't like the gift, I am seething inside and won't rest until I've returned or exchanged it.
What does this say about me and how can I change?
Is it that you don't like the specific gifts that you're given (e.g. he got you stillettos, you hate high-heeled shoes), or that you just don't like getting gifts in general? What kind of faults are you finding with the gifts? Do you ever remember receiving gifts that you liked?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:25 AM on June 10, 2013
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:25 AM on June 10, 2013
I always find fault with them and I get positively angry that this money was spent on such an undeserving object.
It's unclear to me if the fault is something like they're the wrong size, in a color you hate, are some gadget you would never use or have expressed interest in, or if the fault is (primarily) that someone paid full price for it. For instance, if someone gave you a scarf - do you hate it because it's a dreadful color, or because they paid $50 for it when they could have found a perfectly nice one for $10 at a thrift store?
I agree that it's more the magnitude of your reaction that's the problem - everyone gets presents sometimes that they don't like or can't use, and the common reaction (probably) is to thank the giver and then later putting the gift somewhere where you don't have to look at it and/or put it in the pile of things to be returned/donated at some vague point in the future.
As for changing: the usual askme advice is therapy. This can be the in-person talking kind (mother issues!) or some sort of CBT-type workbook, I imagine.
posted by rtha at 8:28 AM on June 10, 2013
It's unclear to me if the fault is something like they're the wrong size, in a color you hate, are some gadget you would never use or have expressed interest in, or if the fault is (primarily) that someone paid full price for it. For instance, if someone gave you a scarf - do you hate it because it's a dreadful color, or because they paid $50 for it when they could have found a perfectly nice one for $10 at a thrift store?
I agree that it's more the magnitude of your reaction that's the problem - everyone gets presents sometimes that they don't like or can't use, and the common reaction (probably) is to thank the giver and then later putting the gift somewhere where you don't have to look at it and/or put it in the pile of things to be returned/donated at some vague point in the future.
As for changing: the usual askme advice is therapy. This can be the in-person talking kind (mother issues!) or some sort of CBT-type workbook, I imagine.
posted by rtha at 8:28 AM on June 10, 2013
Is it about control? Are you unable to enjoy something someone else picked out for you because you prefer things done your way or the highway (you do love picking out stuff)? Perhaps practicing gratitude (even if you don't feel it) will help spark it internally. I think you should accept, be grateful for, and use the next gift you are given. So what if it's not EXACTLY the purse you would have picked out for yourself, or if it cost more than you would have paid*- it was a gift from someone you love; let that sink in and try to enjoy them.
*Here's another tip- stop asking or researching how much the gifts cost! It's none of your business!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:29 AM on June 10, 2013 [20 favorites]
*Here's another tip- stop asking or researching how much the gifts cost! It's none of your business!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:29 AM on June 10, 2013 [20 favorites]
If I were you, I'd look at other things in your life that make you angry, and see if you can find a meta-commonality - maybe you feel undervalued, maybe you feel OVERvalued and that makes you afraid of being "found out" and fear goes to anger, maybe money is the currency of affection for you.... just try to find the primal source of your anger; excessive emotion in different situations can often stem from a single emotional trigger.
The fact that you aren't able to give appreciation to the giver is another clue you might use to trace it to its cause; there seems to be a specific interpersonal type of issue that probably stems from a specific gift-giver or gift-giving situation in the past.
If it's of any help, I can share that I HATE getting gifts. They make me literally sick to my stomach. But once I was able to trace this back to root causes (child of divorce, presents used as currency of manipulation, getting a gift = parental emotional shitstorm incoming), I was able to work towards disconnecting current gifts from the bad gifts of the past. I'm still a little weird about them, but I can be happy and appreciative.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 8:29 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
The fact that you aren't able to give appreciation to the giver is another clue you might use to trace it to its cause; there seems to be a specific interpersonal type of issue that probably stems from a specific gift-giver or gift-giving situation in the past.
If it's of any help, I can share that I HATE getting gifts. They make me literally sick to my stomach. But once I was able to trace this back to root causes (child of divorce, presents used as currency of manipulation, getting a gift = parental emotional shitstorm incoming), I was able to work towards disconnecting current gifts from the bad gifts of the past. I'm still a little weird about them, but I can be happy and appreciative.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 8:29 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm a little unclear here. You say at the end that, if you don't like the gift, you have to return it. Earlier on you say you can't remember the last time you liked a gift. So I don't know if it is something about the gifts or just the act of gift giving that is bothering you. If you can identify the difference in a gift you did enjoy, that might shed some light.
I used to date someone who hated to get gifts and, when we dug down into it, he realized that he felt like he owed a debt to the gift giver. He felt put upon because of his need to balance the books and reciprocate in equal measure. Could it be a similar issue for you? It could explain your aversion to increasingly expensive gifts.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 8:29 AM on June 10, 2013
I used to date someone who hated to get gifts and, when we dug down into it, he realized that he felt like he owed a debt to the gift giver. He felt put upon because of his need to balance the books and reciprocate in equal measure. Could it be a similar issue for you? It could explain your aversion to increasingly expensive gifts.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 8:29 AM on June 10, 2013
I always find fault with them and I get positively angry that this money was spent on such an undeserving object.
My first reading of this was that the "undeserving object" was you.
Does your mother have some kind of baggage around giving and receiving love, for which gifts are symbolic? My mother was very odd about things like her birthday and Mothers Day; she hated being the object of attention and she was funny about gifts too. This has made itself felt in my life in various ways. Not exactly with the gift thing, but I hate my birthday and love everyone else's for example.
posted by BibiRose at 8:30 AM on June 10, 2013 [15 favorites]
My first reading of this was that the "undeserving object" was you.
Does your mother have some kind of baggage around giving and receiving love, for which gifts are symbolic? My mother was very odd about things like her birthday and Mothers Day; she hated being the object of attention and she was funny about gifts too. This has made itself felt in my life in various ways. Not exactly with the gift thing, but I hate my birthday and love everyone else's for example.
posted by BibiRose at 8:30 AM on June 10, 2013 [15 favorites]
I understand being annoyed about having to return stuff - Jim Gaffigan joked about how when people say, "you can always return it," it's like saying, "here's an errand." But it seems like you don't just not like the gift but something about it makes you angry and that seems off to me. Is it because of how much they spent on it?
Is this an area where you can attempt to manage your expectations by talking to people ahead of time? I realized that my father seems to buy me a new winter coat every year and they're never my style or don't fit right, so I think this year, I'm going to identify a few that I like, then ask for his opinion so he can still get me a gift and pick something out for me but we'll both know I'll like it.
How do you feel about gift cards? In theory, I think they're silly because it's basically the gift of cash except it's even harder to use but at the same time, I like it when people give them to me to spend on something bigger. Once around my birthday, my sister asked what I wanted and I told her that I was looking at a TV table from Target so a gift card would be super. That's what she did and the rad part is that I kind of think of that TV table as being from her, even though she contributed 1/5 of the cost.
posted by kat518 at 8:32 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Is this an area where you can attempt to manage your expectations by talking to people ahead of time? I realized that my father seems to buy me a new winter coat every year and they're never my style or don't fit right, so I think this year, I'm going to identify a few that I like, then ask for his opinion so he can still get me a gift and pick something out for me but we'll both know I'll like it.
How do you feel about gift cards? In theory, I think they're silly because it's basically the gift of cash except it's even harder to use but at the same time, I like it when people give them to me to spend on something bigger. Once around my birthday, my sister asked what I wanted and I told her that I was looking at a TV table from Target so a gift card would be super. That's what she did and the rad part is that I kind of think of that TV table as being from her, even though she contributed 1/5 of the cost.
posted by kat518 at 8:32 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
There is a deep seated trauma associated with your reaction IMHO. Much like BibiRose mentions above. Perhaps you don't feel worthy of receiving any gift. It makes you feel uncomfortable if someone gives you that attention that you feel you don't deserve. I think it is something that can change. I saw it happen in someone I really love. At first he was uncomfortable, but in time I saw him change and accept the gifts.
posted by happysocks at 8:45 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by happysocks at 8:45 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Practical Advice: You should pick out a few genres of gift you want and make it known. I want EXPERIENCE gifts that INVOLVE FOOD or LIVE PERFORMANCES. I want PHYSICAL gifts that ARE SHOES (PINK) or THAT WOULD LOOK GOOD ON MY MANTLE. Then try to enjoy some of the diverse interpretations you get rather than worry about their 'value'.
Theoretical: It seems like you might be upset that they paid a lot of money for something that isn't perfect. You're angry at their waste maybe? But a gift is not an object, it is symbolic speech. The utility of the item is in the act of exchange and the emotions involved (which is why money can be unsatisfying to either or both parties). But a gift is never perfectly efficient, there is lost value if it isn't something you would buy for yourself. But if you would buy it for yourself, why haven't you? hat gap between price and value is a premium, like you would pay for immediacy, or quality, or brand-name, and so-on. It isn't a bad thing.
posted by Garm at 8:46 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Theoretical: It seems like you might be upset that they paid a lot of money for something that isn't perfect. You're angry at their waste maybe? But a gift is not an object, it is symbolic speech. The utility of the item is in the act of exchange and the emotions involved (which is why money can be unsatisfying to either or both parties). But a gift is never perfectly efficient, there is lost value if it isn't something you would buy for yourself. But if you would buy it for yourself, why haven't you? hat gap between price and value is a premium, like you would pay for immediacy, or quality, or brand-name, and so-on. It isn't a bad thing.
posted by Garm at 8:46 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
When the reaction to something is out of proportion (like seething about getting gifts), it can point to an underlying issue.
As others have pointed out, maybe there's some sort of block (fear/anxiety/etc) around RECEIVING.
Lots of us are good at giving. Some of us have trouble also receiving. Maybe look at what you feel when you *receive* something and write down all those feelings so you can shed some light on what's really going on.
Something is dying to be heard - what feeling is being stirred up. Give it a voice, let it be heard and see what's under the blanket.
posted by Mysticalchick at 8:46 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
As others have pointed out, maybe there's some sort of block (fear/anxiety/etc) around RECEIVING.
Lots of us are good at giving. Some of us have trouble also receiving. Maybe look at what you feel when you *receive* something and write down all those feelings so you can shed some light on what's really going on.
Something is dying to be heard - what feeling is being stirred up. Give it a voice, let it be heard and see what's under the blanket.
posted by Mysticalchick at 8:46 AM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Getting the "wrong" gift is unsettling sometimes because you're thinking "he really thought I would like this? What does that say about what he thinks of me, of who he thinks I am?"
If you've returned the last 4 gifts from your fiancé that's a bit rough. You're saying he doesn't know who you are or what your likes and dislikes are. So you've got to communicate these things better, and not make a sort of game of it where he tries to guess what you'd like and you shoot him down and get mad that he didn't guess right.
posted by zadcat at 8:50 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you've returned the last 4 gifts from your fiancé that's a bit rough. You're saying he doesn't know who you are or what your likes and dislikes are. So you've got to communicate these things better, and not make a sort of game of it where he tries to guess what you'd like and you shoot him down and get mad that he didn't guess right.
posted by zadcat at 8:50 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Also, learn to see gifts as the other person expressing their side of the relationship to you. It's not about the GIFT it's about the RELATIONSHIP between you and the giver. So even if you don't like the gift, you can honor their act by accepting it graciously.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:56 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:56 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
I wonder if there's not some part of you that gets an expensive gift and thinks, "where were you WHEN I NEEDED YOU? Where were you when I was constantly going without?" But that is pure speculation.
More likely this is a pattern you internalized through your mother, as you say, and I also wonder if part of the magnitude of your rage (which, as you recognize, is well beyond the norm) is coming from a deep resentment toward your mother. Why do you think SHE is impossible to please? Do you have any theories? (I can't be the only person who ham-handedly psychoanalyzes her entire family, can I?)
posted by like_a_friend at 8:59 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
More likely this is a pattern you internalized through your mother, as you say, and I also wonder if part of the magnitude of your rage (which, as you recognize, is well beyond the norm) is coming from a deep resentment toward your mother. Why do you think SHE is impossible to please? Do you have any theories? (I can't be the only person who ham-handedly psychoanalyzes her entire family, can I?)
posted by like_a_friend at 8:59 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
You seem like you've devoted a lot of energy to perfecting your skills at caring for yourself in consumerist terms-- you know exactly what you want, you want it a lot, and then you have a very specific and well-honed routine for going and getting it. Could the gift-giving thing be analogous to a skilled chef's getting a home-cooked meal from an amateur friend, or (apologies) someone who's really good at, uh, self-love experiencing a partner's bumbling bedroom attempts for the first time-- that is, are you annoyed because people never quite do this as well as you would have done it yourself?
If so, then one option might be to find a category of gift that you'd never give yourself, so no comparisons are possible-- what if you specified that what you'd really like is to be taken out to dinner with the friend at a nice restaurant, for instance? Or for the giver to draw you a picture of a fun time you had together, or to help you with some dreaded household task, or to volunteer with/donate to a favorite charity in your name? Instead of allowing your friends to keep gifting you slightly-inferior versions of the same material items you'd otherwise have bought yourself, maybe focus on what non-buying things they could do that'd bring real happiness to your life, and let it be known that their gifting efforts should focus around that.
posted by Bardolph at 9:01 AM on June 10, 2013
If so, then one option might be to find a category of gift that you'd never give yourself, so no comparisons are possible-- what if you specified that what you'd really like is to be taken out to dinner with the friend at a nice restaurant, for instance? Or for the giver to draw you a picture of a fun time you had together, or to help you with some dreaded household task, or to volunteer with/donate to a favorite charity in your name? Instead of allowing your friends to keep gifting you slightly-inferior versions of the same material items you'd otherwise have bought yourself, maybe focus on what non-buying things they could do that'd bring real happiness to your life, and let it be known that their gifting efforts should focus around that.
posted by Bardolph at 9:01 AM on June 10, 2013
Many of us are pathological about gift-receiving. We're not broken. We're not wrong. We're not ungrateful. For me, gifts are the same kind of emotional trigger that others experience after some kind of trauma. I know that sounds hyperbolic, but it really isn't. I will shut down, become withdrawn, and start looking for the exits. I just can't handle receiving a gift well. I didn't have any sort of "trauma" associated with it. Looking at what I like by way of gifts has helped me identify where the emotional reaction comes from.
For me, the more practical the better. If someone insists on giving me a gift, the best thing they can do is make sure that it is something practical. If someone bought me a resume review service, or a year's supply of toilet paper delivery, or a suit for work, or a briefcase, or a diploma frame, I'd be thrilled. Part of the problem is that I have almost all of the things that I want. And the things I want (which I don't already have) I like to use as motivation to keep myself moving forward. When someone short-circuits that, it feels like cheating. (And it cheats me out of my motivation to work harder, earn more, and develop the life that I want to live.) When someone does something practical for me, I just see it as helpful. I see it as freeing, because it just puts me that much closer to achieving my goals by removing some "obligation" from my shoulders. When someone gets me something that is outside of those goals/desires, I just have no idea what to do with it. It feels burdensome.
So for me, yes, it is about "undeserving" feelings. But it isn't some kind of weirdo masochistic thing. It's just that I know myself well. And I know that complacency and shortcuts lead me to a bad place. When I say I don't want gifts, it isn't because I am some kind of weird self-flagellating freakshow. It is because the "kindness" that those gifts represent actually becomes a burden to me. And I understand that no gift giver would ever want to burden a recipient.
So there are some things you can do to cope. First, you practice accepting gifts graciously. Because that's just part of being a decent human being. You can't avoid getting gifts for the rest of your life, so you HAVE to be ready to deal with it. For me, that involves having a script. "Oh. My. God. It's wonderful. Thank you so much. You really shouldn't have. Come here..." Hug commences. If it is a gift that is shipped, I immediately pen a thank you note. I gush a little about the gift, all the while gritting my teeth.
The other thing you can do is that you can communicate better about your feelings with your loved ones. Whether they respect the boundaries that you put up (and whether you enforce those boundaries) is another issue. But you can, and should, set expectations appropriately. If you don't want gifts, then say so. On the invitation. You can be cute about it or you can be very plain about it. "No gifts, please" or "In lieu of gifts, please consider a donation to ____ organization " or "Gifts will be offered as a sacrifice to the fire gods!" all help convey what your expectations are for the event. Some people will ALWAYS ignore your instructions, either out of carelessness (not reading) or willfulness (being certain that you couldn't possibly know your own mind). But you can't control that part.
posted by jph at 9:01 AM on June 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
For me, the more practical the better. If someone insists on giving me a gift, the best thing they can do is make sure that it is something practical. If someone bought me a resume review service, or a year's supply of toilet paper delivery, or a suit for work, or a briefcase, or a diploma frame, I'd be thrilled. Part of the problem is that I have almost all of the things that I want. And the things I want (which I don't already have) I like to use as motivation to keep myself moving forward. When someone short-circuits that, it feels like cheating. (And it cheats me out of my motivation to work harder, earn more, and develop the life that I want to live.) When someone does something practical for me, I just see it as helpful. I see it as freeing, because it just puts me that much closer to achieving my goals by removing some "obligation" from my shoulders. When someone gets me something that is outside of those goals/desires, I just have no idea what to do with it. It feels burdensome.
So for me, yes, it is about "undeserving" feelings. But it isn't some kind of weirdo masochistic thing. It's just that I know myself well. And I know that complacency and shortcuts lead me to a bad place. When I say I don't want gifts, it isn't because I am some kind of weird self-flagellating freakshow. It is because the "kindness" that those gifts represent actually becomes a burden to me. And I understand that no gift giver would ever want to burden a recipient.
So there are some things you can do to cope. First, you practice accepting gifts graciously. Because that's just part of being a decent human being. You can't avoid getting gifts for the rest of your life, so you HAVE to be ready to deal with it. For me, that involves having a script. "Oh. My. God. It's wonderful. Thank you so much. You really shouldn't have. Come here..." Hug commences. If it is a gift that is shipped, I immediately pen a thank you note. I gush a little about the gift, all the while gritting my teeth.
The other thing you can do is that you can communicate better about your feelings with your loved ones. Whether they respect the boundaries that you put up (and whether you enforce those boundaries) is another issue. But you can, and should, set expectations appropriately. If you don't want gifts, then say so. On the invitation. You can be cute about it or you can be very plain about it. "No gifts, please" or "In lieu of gifts, please consider a donation to ____ organization " or "Gifts will be offered as a sacrifice to the fire gods!" all help convey what your expectations are for the event. Some people will ALWAYS ignore your instructions, either out of carelessness (not reading) or willfulness (being certain that you couldn't possibly know your own mind). But you can't control that part.
posted by jph at 9:01 AM on June 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
Why do I hate gifts?
My guess from reading your AskMe is that you have very, very specific ideas about what you want and what you like, and that gifts invariably fall short of your standards-- kind of like, "If I wanted X, I would have bought it for myself already!"
The ideal gift is said to be, "Something which the recipient would like but would not buy for himself." It seems like if you liked something, you would have bought it, and thus there aren't many gifts which you would appreciate. And perhaps given your background, people tend to buy you things which they think are the sort of thing you would "need" because you would otherwise go without, and this is no longer true.
So I don't think it's necessarily all your fault-- it's that people are buying gifts making certain assumptions about you and not realizing what you would actually like.
posted by deanc at 9:04 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
My guess from reading your AskMe is that you have very, very specific ideas about what you want and what you like, and that gifts invariably fall short of your standards-- kind of like, "If I wanted X, I would have bought it for myself already!"
The ideal gift is said to be, "Something which the recipient would like but would not buy for himself." It seems like if you liked something, you would have bought it, and thus there aren't many gifts which you would appreciate. And perhaps given your background, people tend to buy you things which they think are the sort of thing you would "need" because you would otherwise go without, and this is no longer true.
So I don't think it's necessarily all your fault-- it's that people are buying gifts making certain assumptions about you and not realizing what you would actually like.
posted by deanc at 9:04 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am like you, although I don't think I quite seethe about getting the wrong gift.
I am, I think, a good gift buyer. I entirely subscribe to the idea that it's the thought that counts, and as a consequence am irritated by presents which have no thought behind them.
However, like you, I am also incredibly hard to buy for. I know what I like, I research thoroughly, I read pretty widely on the interwebs and catch interesting stuff early. What makes me a good giver makes me a poor receiver. When I get a crap gift, irrespective of price, my judgment is typically that the giver just plucked the first thing off the shelf. I know, however, this is rarely true.
I think you recognise that your reaction indicates a lack of proportion. Although as much as anything, it shows a lack of empathy. People like you - and I guess me, are common enough but still a minority. Most people receive all gifts with good grace and give them in the same spirit. A lot of people don't invest emotionally in gifts - they are just a form of social bond rather than an exercise in finding that unique something that completes someone.
My brother is less hardcore on gifts, but has quite specific interests his family do not always share. His wife no longer gives him gifts sight unseen. She asks him what he wants and gets it. This is one strategy you could adopt if you are close enough to the giver. Or write a wish list. Or do my old family favourite - hint heavily to a family member and left them inform the rest of the clan.
Another strategy is to agree with whomever you swap gifts that you have a low price limit. It's just a token. That way you're not consistently receiving expensive stuff you don't like and/or feeling aggrieved that you've given awesome thing x and got crap thing y back.
But above all, dial back your expectations on gifts and your emotional investment in them. Don't treat them as commentaries on how much people love you or how well they know you. Don't spend time thinking about what you'll get. Don't hope that people will change and become great gift givers because they won't. Don't invest so much in the gifts you give others. There are, I believe studies out there that consistently show that recipients undervalue the gifts they get. Even the ones you give, probably.
Know that there are countless other areas of one's life where people may perceive imbalances that you may be unaware of - how often you call, whether you pay attention when they speak. I guess what I'm saying is that if I'm correct and lack of empathy may be an issue for you then you may also not be sensitive to other things where family or friends go above and beyond and you don't.
posted by MuffinMan at 9:06 AM on June 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
I am, I think, a good gift buyer. I entirely subscribe to the idea that it's the thought that counts, and as a consequence am irritated by presents which have no thought behind them.
However, like you, I am also incredibly hard to buy for. I know what I like, I research thoroughly, I read pretty widely on the interwebs and catch interesting stuff early. What makes me a good giver makes me a poor receiver. When I get a crap gift, irrespective of price, my judgment is typically that the giver just plucked the first thing off the shelf. I know, however, this is rarely true.
I think you recognise that your reaction indicates a lack of proportion. Although as much as anything, it shows a lack of empathy. People like you - and I guess me, are common enough but still a minority. Most people receive all gifts with good grace and give them in the same spirit. A lot of people don't invest emotionally in gifts - they are just a form of social bond rather than an exercise in finding that unique something that completes someone.
My brother is less hardcore on gifts, but has quite specific interests his family do not always share. His wife no longer gives him gifts sight unseen. She asks him what he wants and gets it. This is one strategy you could adopt if you are close enough to the giver. Or write a wish list. Or do my old family favourite - hint heavily to a family member and left them inform the rest of the clan.
Another strategy is to agree with whomever you swap gifts that you have a low price limit. It's just a token. That way you're not consistently receiving expensive stuff you don't like and/or feeling aggrieved that you've given awesome thing x and got crap thing y back.
But above all, dial back your expectations on gifts and your emotional investment in them. Don't treat them as commentaries on how much people love you or how well they know you. Don't spend time thinking about what you'll get. Don't hope that people will change and become great gift givers because they won't. Don't invest so much in the gifts you give others. There are, I believe studies out there that consistently show that recipients undervalue the gifts they get. Even the ones you give, probably.
Know that there are countless other areas of one's life where people may perceive imbalances that you may be unaware of - how often you call, whether you pay attention when they speak. I guess what I'm saying is that if I'm correct and lack of empathy may be an issue for you then you may also not be sensitive to other things where family or friends go above and beyond and you don't.
posted by MuffinMan at 9:06 AM on June 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
Another source of gift anxiety is the reciprocity problem, where the recipient attempts to value the gift and becomes anxious upon realizing that they cannot afford to reciprocate (at a later date) with a similarly valued gift. It sounds to me, based on your financial history, that this might play into the anxiety and anger you experience. If you're looking at it this way, it's very easy to feel as though someone has put you in an uncomfortable position (financially) with their gift. In that sense, their gift can again become burdensome to you. This breeds resentment.
I have found a very good tactic for dealing with this form of anxiety. You, as a bargain hunter, will appreciate that most nice things can be had for well under the MSRP. I have to remind myself that I am not sure whether or not someone paid full price for something. For all I know, they received it for nothing!
The next step is NOT to remind yourself that you can get something of similar perceived value and reciprocate. Wait. What?! In fact, the next step is to stop the issue of reciprocity in its tracks. Properly given gifts are given freely without expectation of exchange or reciprocity. Remind yourself that the person in question gave the gift freely because they care for you and want to celebrate who you are, and not because they expect anything of you in return.
posted by jph at 9:13 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have found a very good tactic for dealing with this form of anxiety. You, as a bargain hunter, will appreciate that most nice things can be had for well under the MSRP. I have to remind myself that I am not sure whether or not someone paid full price for something. For all I know, they received it for nothing!
The next step is NOT to remind yourself that you can get something of similar perceived value and reciprocate. Wait. What?! In fact, the next step is to stop the issue of reciprocity in its tracks. Properly given gifts are given freely without expectation of exchange or reciprocity. Remind yourself that the person in question gave the gift freely because they care for you and want to celebrate who you are, and not because they expect anything of you in return.
posted by jph at 9:13 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do you know how to write a thank you letter? The formula is basically this:
This is the mindset you need to have when receiving gifts. I am also bad at receiving gifts, but it's something I've gotten better at with time and practice (and reminding people that I always like eating chocolate).
Think about the item you have received. Think about how you could use it (even if it's a stretch). Think about how nice it is for the gifter to know that you'll be able to use it. Think about how lucky you are to have people in your life who want to care for you and give you things they think you'll like.
And then smile and take a moment to appreciate that whole package, not just the item itself.
posted by phunniemee at 9:15 AM on June 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
Dear Soandso,
Thank you for the lovely [thing]. I can't wait to start [using] it for [purpose]. I just know it will fit in perfectly with my [related thing]. You are always so kind to think of me, and I am lucky to have you in my life.
Sincerely,
Moi
This is the mindset you need to have when receiving gifts. I am also bad at receiving gifts, but it's something I've gotten better at with time and practice (and reminding people that I always like eating chocolate).
Think about the item you have received. Think about how you could use it (even if it's a stretch). Think about how nice it is for the gifter to know that you'll be able to use it. Think about how lucky you are to have people in your life who want to care for you and give you things they think you'll like.
And then smile and take a moment to appreciate that whole package, not just the item itself.
posted by phunniemee at 9:15 AM on June 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
I'm the same way. It's tough to get to the place where you can say "It's not really about the gifts" because at some level it really isn't. If strangers give me gifts it's easy for me to be appreciative and appropriate whether the gift is one that will be useful to me or not. No big deal, thanks for thinking of me. When loved ones give me gifts, there are a few things at play personally
1. Generally I don't want gifts. What I want is help getting a kayak moved or a ride to the airport or someone to do my taxes for me. And I say these things ("Hey a gift certificate to H&R Block would be perfect") but I don't get them. Instead...
2. I tend to get stuff that people bought at a store, that's generic, that isn't suitable for me, that may fit my rough demographic but isn't right for me. Then...
3. The expectation that people want me to not only appreciate the gift but appreciate them as gift givers (my mom is a total narcissist and giving gifts to me was all about her) and then if I don't do this properly I get a bag of hell about it (I have, in the past, dated people like this also) for being ungrateful
So to me a gift is a trap, a way to try to pry a positive emotional response out of me in a situation where I would not willingly offer it. Where it's supposed to be about doing something nice for me, but it isn't. Where if I don't respond appropriately, I get judged as being a bad person on my own damned birthday. And I still have to move my kayak and no one helps me. So, I feel you.
As an aside, I have a sister and some friends who always manage to give me something small and appropriate, so it's not that I'm impossible to get anything for. And once my boyfriend and I had a frank discussion about what I'd really like and what I really wouldn't like, we've navigated this okay but I have decades of dread from bad holidays past with bad people.
So, therapy, honestly, if you can't work this out on your own. I've managed to pretty much get gift giving/receiving out of my life with a few exceptions. I don't celebrate xmas, I throw a big party for my birthday and specifically say no gifts, I talk things out with my boyfriend ahead of time and he tolerates my weird fidgetiness about it. And for all the other situations, I lump it and say "Thanks for thinking of me!" sincerely and try to mean it. Like jph says, my baggage about past gifts doesn't mean I shouldn't be nice about current ones.
I do think it's okay to talk this stuff out with people, like your fiancee, who you have more of a give and take expectation with and are building a life together. Unless you're okay with the constant gift returning, the two of you should work out something that works better for both of you.
posted by jessamyn at 9:17 AM on June 10, 2013 [16 favorites]
1. Generally I don't want gifts. What I want is help getting a kayak moved or a ride to the airport or someone to do my taxes for me. And I say these things ("Hey a gift certificate to H&R Block would be perfect") but I don't get them. Instead...
2. I tend to get stuff that people bought at a store, that's generic, that isn't suitable for me, that may fit my rough demographic but isn't right for me. Then...
3. The expectation that people want me to not only appreciate the gift but appreciate them as gift givers (my mom is a total narcissist and giving gifts to me was all about her) and then if I don't do this properly I get a bag of hell about it (I have, in the past, dated people like this also) for being ungrateful
So to me a gift is a trap, a way to try to pry a positive emotional response out of me in a situation where I would not willingly offer it. Where it's supposed to be about doing something nice for me, but it isn't. Where if I don't respond appropriately, I get judged as being a bad person on my own damned birthday. And I still have to move my kayak and no one helps me. So, I feel you.
As an aside, I have a sister and some friends who always manage to give me something small and appropriate, so it's not that I'm impossible to get anything for. And once my boyfriend and I had a frank discussion about what I'd really like and what I really wouldn't like, we've navigated this okay but I have decades of dread from bad holidays past with bad people.
So, therapy, honestly, if you can't work this out on your own. I've managed to pretty much get gift giving/receiving out of my life with a few exceptions. I don't celebrate xmas, I throw a big party for my birthday and specifically say no gifts, I talk things out with my boyfriend ahead of time and he tolerates my weird fidgetiness about it. And for all the other situations, I lump it and say "Thanks for thinking of me!" sincerely and try to mean it. Like jph says, my baggage about past gifts doesn't mean I shouldn't be nice about current ones.
I do think it's okay to talk this stuff out with people, like your fiancee, who you have more of a give and take expectation with and are building a life together. Unless you're okay with the constant gift returning, the two of you should work out something that works better for both of you.
posted by jessamyn at 9:17 AM on June 10, 2013 [16 favorites]
Other posters are talking about self-worth and difficulty accepting gifts, but I don't hear you saying that you're not worth a $150 shawl, I hear you saying that shawls aren't worth $150, especially not that lacy piece of crap, and in fact you could get a better shawl for $50, god what an idiot that gift-giver is! Or maybe I'm misinterpreting because I struggle with this myself.
I have a large practical streak that makes it difficult for my husband to buy gifts for me, because while he's a sensitve and aware guy who can figure out that I'm annoyed with the way the immersion blender is making grinding noises, and perhaps replacing this appliance would make me happy, he's not inside my head and doesn't know whatever subconscious plans I've already got in place. Maybe I was thinking to get the cusinart brand from Amazon because it's unexpectedly only $35, and he's done me the huge favor of popping out to Target to spend $39.99 on whatever housebrand they've got in stock. Boy is it hard to appreciate stuff like that! He did something that I wanted, but he didn't do it right. Of course, then there's the whole other kettle of fish, getting something that I didn't really want at all, or hearing me say "I'd like a new coat" and picking out something genuinely awful. It sounds like one of the things you're wrestling with, though, is that you often feel a sense of accomplishment from finding exactly the right thing at exactly the right price, so when someone else interferes with that (darn their generosity!!) it's frustrating to you that you're not in control of the outcome.
It's really hard to step back and let other people spend their money on things you wouldn't want to spend yours on, but that's something you have to do. I'm working on it. I try to pretend that the object has no monetary history - they didn't pay for it, I couldn't have bought it or anything like it myself, there's no store I could take it to and find out how much they spent or find 3 other things I'd rather spend that $N on - erase that, and let it be just an object. Can I like the object for itself, aesthetically, in at least some context? I try to think of it as strengthening my relationship with that person by accepting their taste into my life in one small increment.
posted by aimedwander at 9:19 AM on June 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
I have a large practical streak that makes it difficult for my husband to buy gifts for me, because while he's a sensitve and aware guy who can figure out that I'm annoyed with the way the immersion blender is making grinding noises, and perhaps replacing this appliance would make me happy, he's not inside my head and doesn't know whatever subconscious plans I've already got in place. Maybe I was thinking to get the cusinart brand from Amazon because it's unexpectedly only $35, and he's done me the huge favor of popping out to Target to spend $39.99 on whatever housebrand they've got in stock. Boy is it hard to appreciate stuff like that! He did something that I wanted, but he didn't do it right. Of course, then there's the whole other kettle of fish, getting something that I didn't really want at all, or hearing me say "I'd like a new coat" and picking out something genuinely awful. It sounds like one of the things you're wrestling with, though, is that you often feel a sense of accomplishment from finding exactly the right thing at exactly the right price, so when someone else interferes with that (darn their generosity!!) it's frustrating to you that you're not in control of the outcome.
It's really hard to step back and let other people spend their money on things you wouldn't want to spend yours on, but that's something you have to do. I'm working on it. I try to pretend that the object has no monetary history - they didn't pay for it, I couldn't have bought it or anything like it myself, there's no store I could take it to and find out how much they spent or find 3 other things I'd rather spend that $N on - erase that, and let it be just an object. Can I like the object for itself, aesthetically, in at least some context? I try to think of it as strengthening my relationship with that person by accepting their taste into my life in one small increment.
posted by aimedwander at 9:19 AM on June 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
I know someone like this. I think you have very strong opinions about what you like and don't like, and your family background makes you very serious about how money should be spent. So, there's the deal, a gift is a gift
something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.
Your sweetheart can't predict the shoes you'll love, and if he gives you shoes, he has recognized that you like shoes. Nobody can know you well enough to give you the exact gift you'll like, let alone love.
Appreciate the effort and the symbolism of the gift. The gift means I love you and spent a certain amount of time and money getting this for you. Talk to your fiance about your difficulty with the issue of gifts, and tell him how much you appreciate the effort and love, but that your background makes you cringe when money is spent. Recognize that you have a lot of baggage about getting gifts(and money in general), and give your fiance lots of hints I saw a gorgeous pair of suede flats at Shop. They were the prettiest shade of teal. and There's a new book out by Author. I can't wait til it's in paperback - I really want to read it. and Look at these boots in this catalog (that I've dog-eared and put post-its on). I'd love to have these in brown. You can also suggest gifts of things you need in a category that's less fraught You know what I could really use? A basic emergency tool kit for my car.
I have been given very expensive, non-returnable gifts that showed that the giver just doesn't get the real me, and a couple of times I've wondered if a gift was a little passive-aggressive. But no one owes a gift. So if I don't like it, off to the Returns Dept. or Goodwill it goes. My Mom liked to give actual gifts more than cash, so I'd find something in a catalog and she'd send it. I still love that quilt on my bed. Who cares if, on her own, Mom would have bought something I wouldn't care for? I have a pretty quilt that my Mom got me.
posted by theora55 at 9:26 AM on June 10, 2013
something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.
Your sweetheart can't predict the shoes you'll love, and if he gives you shoes, he has recognized that you like shoes. Nobody can know you well enough to give you the exact gift you'll like, let alone love.
Appreciate the effort and the symbolism of the gift. The gift means I love you and spent a certain amount of time and money getting this for you. Talk to your fiance about your difficulty with the issue of gifts, and tell him how much you appreciate the effort and love, but that your background makes you cringe when money is spent. Recognize that you have a lot of baggage about getting gifts(and money in general), and give your fiance lots of hints I saw a gorgeous pair of suede flats at Shop. They were the prettiest shade of teal. and There's a new book out by Author. I can't wait til it's in paperback - I really want to read it. and Look at these boots in this catalog (that I've dog-eared and put post-its on). I'd love to have these in brown. You can also suggest gifts of things you need in a category that's less fraught You know what I could really use? A basic emergency tool kit for my car.
I have been given very expensive, non-returnable gifts that showed that the giver just doesn't get the real me, and a couple of times I've wondered if a gift was a little passive-aggressive. But no one owes a gift. So if I don't like it, off to the Returns Dept. or Goodwill it goes. My Mom liked to give actual gifts more than cash, so I'd find something in a catalog and she'd send it. I still love that quilt on my bed. Who cares if, on her own, Mom would have bought something I wouldn't care for? I have a pretty quilt that my Mom got me.
posted by theora55 at 9:26 AM on June 10, 2013
I think this results from a strategy you used as a child to keep your relationship with your parents strong and convince yourself they loved you despite the fact they did not give you the things you really, really wanted.
You could have told yourself the things themselves were worthless and bad, and I think I've known quite a few people who did that, but you were able to preserve both your desire for those things and the sense that your parents really did love you by convincing yourself that being given those things was some kind of awful transgression.
The fact that you still apparently need to feel this as strongly as you do, however, makes me think that there is even now a part of you that says 'my parents never loved me enough to give me something like this' to yourself whenever someone gives you an expensive gift, and that could mean that there continue to be troubling issues in your mind about how much your parents actually did love you-- and do now love you-- that you could benefit from exploring.
The way you feel compelled to shop for those things on eBay rather than buying them new, for example, could be construed as showing that you are afraid to even love yourself because that would threaten your relationship with your parents.
posted by jamjam at 9:28 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
You could have told yourself the things themselves were worthless and bad, and I think I've known quite a few people who did that, but you were able to preserve both your desire for those things and the sense that your parents really did love you by convincing yourself that being given those things was some kind of awful transgression.
The fact that you still apparently need to feel this as strongly as you do, however, makes me think that there is even now a part of you that says 'my parents never loved me enough to give me something like this' to yourself whenever someone gives you an expensive gift, and that could mean that there continue to be troubling issues in your mind about how much your parents actually did love you-- and do now love you-- that you could benefit from exploring.
The way you feel compelled to shop for those things on eBay rather than buying them new, for example, could be construed as showing that you are afraid to even love yourself because that would threaten your relationship with your parents.
posted by jamjam at 9:28 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
My mother is like me about gifts, I can never get the right thing for her.
First, stating the obvious -- you've learned your reaction to gifts from your mother, so that, when you receive one, you act out your learned response: hypercritical disappointment and anger over money wasted. My mother is similar to yours about gifts, and when I receive one, my reflexive response is disappointment -- even if the gift is actually terrific.
It can be terribly damaging to a child if a parent responds with criticism or disappointment to a gift. Instead of communicating gratitude and appreciation for the gift as a token of love, the parent focuses on the material worth of the gift, which sends the message that the quality of the gift is what's important, not the spirit in which it's given.
Not only that, but by responding negatively towards your gifts, your mother taught you that gift-giving is about performance, something to be judged, and that gratitude is highly conditional. You take pride in buying people just the right gift, but you might want to examine that pride. Does your satisfaction, to some extent, stem from having performed correctly? Most people spend their entire lives trying to please their parents, even when they're gone.
When you receive an unsatisfactory gift, all kinds of things could be going on that produce your reaction. First, you're already reflexively disappointed because that's what you learned from your mother. Since you've been taught that gift-giving is a performance act that is judged on the quality of the object, the more expensive the bad gift, the greater the magnitude of the failure.
You may be experiencing anger and resentment at the gift-giving narrative between you and your mother that is being played out in your subconscious whenever you get a gift. You may be playing out the role of your mother on these occasions, and responding to the gifts the way you assume your mother would.
Whatever the reason, I would suggest a two-pronged approach to the situation. First, you can try to change your internal narrative when you receive gifts. Remind yourself that a gift is merely a symbol, and move your attention and focus from the object itself to the love and affection that the object symbolizes.
Meanwhile, you can request that your friends and loved ones not give you material gifts, but instead give you "experience" gifts -- things like food tours or classes or maybe a movie theater gift card. While that's obviously not foolproof for someone who's critical of gifts, it at least moves away from the things that most readily arouse your bad feelings.
It's tough having issues about receiving gifts, because it taints what should be a very positive experience, and makes gift-giving occasions fraught with anxiety. I hope you are able to resolve this. I know the automatic answer to questions like this is "get therapy," but this situation seems like one where talking it out with a professional would be immensely helpful.
posted by Mo' Money Moe Bandy at 9:51 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
First, stating the obvious -- you've learned your reaction to gifts from your mother, so that, when you receive one, you act out your learned response: hypercritical disappointment and anger over money wasted. My mother is similar to yours about gifts, and when I receive one, my reflexive response is disappointment -- even if the gift is actually terrific.
It can be terribly damaging to a child if a parent responds with criticism or disappointment to a gift. Instead of communicating gratitude and appreciation for the gift as a token of love, the parent focuses on the material worth of the gift, which sends the message that the quality of the gift is what's important, not the spirit in which it's given.
Not only that, but by responding negatively towards your gifts, your mother taught you that gift-giving is about performance, something to be judged, and that gratitude is highly conditional. You take pride in buying people just the right gift, but you might want to examine that pride. Does your satisfaction, to some extent, stem from having performed correctly? Most people spend their entire lives trying to please their parents, even when they're gone.
When you receive an unsatisfactory gift, all kinds of things could be going on that produce your reaction. First, you're already reflexively disappointed because that's what you learned from your mother. Since you've been taught that gift-giving is a performance act that is judged on the quality of the object, the more expensive the bad gift, the greater the magnitude of the failure.
You may be experiencing anger and resentment at the gift-giving narrative between you and your mother that is being played out in your subconscious whenever you get a gift. You may be playing out the role of your mother on these occasions, and responding to the gifts the way you assume your mother would.
Whatever the reason, I would suggest a two-pronged approach to the situation. First, you can try to change your internal narrative when you receive gifts. Remind yourself that a gift is merely a symbol, and move your attention and focus from the object itself to the love and affection that the object symbolizes.
Meanwhile, you can request that your friends and loved ones not give you material gifts, but instead give you "experience" gifts -- things like food tours or classes or maybe a movie theater gift card. While that's obviously not foolproof for someone who's critical of gifts, it at least moves away from the things that most readily arouse your bad feelings.
It's tough having issues about receiving gifts, because it taints what should be a very positive experience, and makes gift-giving occasions fraught with anxiety. I hope you are able to resolve this. I know the automatic answer to questions like this is "get therapy," but this situation seems like one where talking it out with a professional would be immensely helpful.
posted by Mo' Money Moe Bandy at 9:51 AM on June 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
If it is so stressful for you, have you considered abolishing the exchange of gifts with your nearest and dearest? Agree with people not to exchange gifts, to perhaps go for a meal if you want to mark an occassion, or all contribute to a celebratory event. That doesn't address your unusually strong reactions, which you probably should get to the root of anyway but it may reduce triggers.
If you do end up doing this realise that some people will agree to this but just can't help themselves and will get you a little something..my aunt for example does not really appreciate that I am in my mid thirties, not pre-school, and that she doesn't need to give me any gifts...she just insists on getting me something, invariably not something I'd have picked but she means well...anyway, as long as you have mutually agreed that no gifts will be exchanged the fact that they got you a little something (which you won't like) is their problem, not yours. You're acting in good faith, they are not.
Alternatively, if there is a cause you support, you could tweak this somewhat. You still suggest that no gifts be exchanged. If somebody really struggles with that you could thank them sincerely for wanting to do something nice for you and explain that you have been very fortunate in life and don't really need anything but if they really want to do something they could make you very happy if they made a small donation to that cause...
Even that's not entirely foolproof but you can't win them all. Sometimes you'll just have to be gracious and accept the gift. So stil work on that.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:09 AM on June 10, 2013
If you do end up doing this realise that some people will agree to this but just can't help themselves and will get you a little something..my aunt for example does not really appreciate that I am in my mid thirties, not pre-school, and that she doesn't need to give me any gifts...she just insists on getting me something, invariably not something I'd have picked but she means well...anyway, as long as you have mutually agreed that no gifts will be exchanged the fact that they got you a little something (which you won't like) is their problem, not yours. You're acting in good faith, they are not.
Alternatively, if there is a cause you support, you could tweak this somewhat. You still suggest that no gifts be exchanged. If somebody really struggles with that you could thank them sincerely for wanting to do something nice for you and explain that you have been very fortunate in life and don't really need anything but if they really want to do something they could make you very happy if they made a small donation to that cause...
Even that's not entirely foolproof but you can't win them all. Sometimes you'll just have to be gracious and accept the gift. So stil work on that.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:09 AM on June 10, 2013
As others have pointed out, there's more to this than just your annoyance with being given gifts.
That doesn't mean that you can't start figuring out solutions now. With your partner, why not either tell him specifically what you want or go buy yourself what you really want withing an agreed upon price range. This is the solution my partner and I have come to and it works very well for us. Sure, there's less of a surprise, but the flip-side is that gifts elicit a 100% positive response and genuine thankfulness.
For the rest of the givers, why not let people know you'd prefer an experience rather than a gift? Go out for a fancy dinner, have a spa day, or get tickets to a concert/play. It's also fine to tell people you'd prefer a donation to your favorite charity instead of a gift. Tell people that you have enough stuff.
posted by quince at 10:16 AM on June 10, 2013
That doesn't mean that you can't start figuring out solutions now. With your partner, why not either tell him specifically what you want or go buy yourself what you really want withing an agreed upon price range. This is the solution my partner and I have come to and it works very well for us. Sure, there's less of a surprise, but the flip-side is that gifts elicit a 100% positive response and genuine thankfulness.
For the rest of the givers, why not let people know you'd prefer an experience rather than a gift? Go out for a fancy dinner, have a spa day, or get tickets to a concert/play. It's also fine to tell people you'd prefer a donation to your favorite charity instead of a gift. Tell people that you have enough stuff.
posted by quince at 10:16 AM on June 10, 2013
Also part of this is about expectations. Like I have perfect-for-me gift ideas in my head and I am sometimes bummed that people (other than my sister) can't read my mind. That's my own baggage. I tell people to get me candles or socks. They're never that terrible, or that awesome, but I find that if I'm expecting something like that whatever I wind up getting will often be just fine.
posted by jessamyn at 10:36 AM on June 10, 2013
posted by jessamyn at 10:36 AM on June 10, 2013
For me gifts are always a disappointment too. I start with a mysterious box in brightly colored paper that inevitably devolves into a pair of sweat socks that my great aunt thinks is "very practical." It has all the hallmarks of a broken promise that you are then obligated to reciprocate. And because of how commercial our society is if you don't get someone something expensive (that they still won't want) you obviously don't love them.
Bah.
posted by ishrinkmajeans at 10:42 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Bah.
posted by ishrinkmajeans at 10:42 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
Those of you who suggested I’m upset if others interfere with my hunt for the perfect thing are right, thank you for that, it’s quite an eye-opener. Yes, I buy myself whatever I need, more than I need. I do have a spending issue I’m grappling with. So with this insight I’ll now be able to steer my gift givers away from objects and towards experiences.posted by cortex (staff) at 11:12 AM on June 10, 2013
But I realize it’s not just the everyday objects: my fiancé who is a huge car enthusiast bought me a car for Christmas. A really nice fancy car, brand new. I did my best to be happy about it, but I actually have no love of cars and don’t truly appreciate this car either. He involved me in the choice but steered me very strongly towards this particular make and model. When I’m in a bad mood I let myself feel a little resentful, though I don’t really know why.
I’m letting him drive it more and more, to the point of asking him to take me off the insurance as I hardly ever drive it and it’s costing a fair bit more to keep me on the insurance (I’ve had a few accidents in my short driving history). I still don’t get all the functionality of the new car and I’m terrified of damaging something. I have an older car of my own that is simple and easy to use and serves my purpose fine.
Another piece to the puzzle: my seven-year old daughter seems to have a similarly difficult attitude to gifts. At Christmas as she opened her gifts she set aside a pile for the ‘returns’. She kept only a couple of items and wanted the rest taken back to the store. She cried about it the way that I might wish to cry if it weren’t unseemly for an adult to cry at receiving imperfect gifts. For what it’s worth, over the course of the next few days she did retrieve several gifts from the pile so that only a couple were left in the end.
I don't like getting gifts, but I don't get angry like you do. But, maybe my solution will also work for your family. Several years ago, we all (adult family members) agreed to stop giving each other gifts just because it was a "gift giving" occasion. This has really worked for us. No rushing around getting a gift card or generic gift just because you're supposed to bring something. And nobody feels weird about it, because we all agreed.
posted by Houstonian at 11:21 AM on June 10, 2013
posted by Houstonian at 11:21 AM on June 10, 2013
Kids learn from their parents. As you learned from your mother, your daughter learns from you.
That said, the car gift sounds....well, it sounds like *he* wanted a car, but couldn't come up with a good reason to buy it himself. You're both handling this in what sounds from your description like a pretty passive-aggressive way. Can you, have you, talked about this in so many words with him? You may feel your issue about gifts is "silly" or embarrassing or whatever, but if it's impacting your life to this degree, it's really worth trying to figure out how to talk about it openly to people who give you gifts (especially big ones), not just with strangers on the internet.
posted by rtha at 11:34 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
That said, the car gift sounds....well, it sounds like *he* wanted a car, but couldn't come up with a good reason to buy it himself. You're both handling this in what sounds from your description like a pretty passive-aggressive way. Can you, have you, talked about this in so many words with him? You may feel your issue about gifts is "silly" or embarrassing or whatever, but if it's impacting your life to this degree, it's really worth trying to figure out how to talk about it openly to people who give you gifts (especially big ones), not just with strangers on the internet.
posted by rtha at 11:34 AM on June 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
I have people in my life that get me fancy, wrong versions of things they think I'd like and there is a part of me that deeply regrets that they spent $XX on Junk Thing but really gift giving is for the giver, too. They enjoy getting me things. It would be taking joy away from them to return it or indicate I don't love it.
I nearly never return a gift, unless it's for a different size of something. If I already own Thing, I will explain to the gifter that Boy, they really know me! But have one- do they want this gift one back.
If I really don't see enjoying a gift, I regift it to someone who I think will love it. Returning it, to me, means that it's unenjoyable by anyone, and there's pretty much nothing in this world that that's true of, OR it means that I saw it as a means to cash or equivalent, which in my brain is the opposite of a gift- it's payment for ... something. Friendship? Family involvement? Cash and equivalent, when gained through rejection of a gift, is transactional, which is not what I want my friendships to be.
In short, I see a gift as love, not utility, and I pass that love on if it's not something I'll be able to appreciate properly.
(However, if a gift manages utility, too, that's winning the lottery.)
posted by small_ruminant at 12:10 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I nearly never return a gift, unless it's for a different size of something. If I already own Thing, I will explain to the gifter that Boy, they really know me! But have one- do they want this gift one back.
If I really don't see enjoying a gift, I regift it to someone who I think will love it. Returning it, to me, means that it's unenjoyable by anyone, and there's pretty much nothing in this world that that's true of, OR it means that I saw it as a means to cash or equivalent, which in my brain is the opposite of a gift- it's payment for ... something. Friendship? Family involvement? Cash and equivalent, when gained through rejection of a gift, is transactional, which is not what I want my friendships to be.
In short, I see a gift as love, not utility, and I pass that love on if it's not something I'll be able to appreciate properly.
(However, if a gift manages utility, too, that's winning the lottery.)
posted by small_ruminant at 12:10 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
my fiancé who is a huge car enthusiast bought me a car for Christmas. A really nice fancy car, brand new. I did my best to be happy about it, but I actually have no love of cars and don’t truly appreciate this car either. He involved me in the choice but steered me very strongly towards this particular make and model. When I’m in a bad mood I let myself feel a little resentful, though I don’t really know why.
FWIW, I'm usually pretty good at receiving gifts and I would be *pissed* if this happened. That's straight up bowling-ball-named-Homer territory, only worse, because cars are way more expensive than bowling balls and are a much bigger part of your life. I think you need to talk to him about this.
posted by pie ninja at 1:48 PM on June 10, 2013
FWIW, I'm usually pretty good at receiving gifts and I would be *pissed* if this happened. That's straight up bowling-ball-named-Homer territory, only worse, because cars are way more expensive than bowling balls and are a much bigger part of your life. I think you need to talk to him about this.
posted by pie ninja at 1:48 PM on June 10, 2013
When I’m in a bad mood I let myself feel a little resentful, though I don’t really know why.
Here’s why: because this gift doesn’t align with your values. You don’t value fancy cars; you didn’t even feel you needed a new car at all, let alone a fancy one. And now you have this car that is complicated and expensive to maintain and there are real consequences to owning it: you’re paying more for insurance, and you’re stressed out while driving it because of the added features and the possibility of damaging such a costly gift. Of course you feel resentful. You never asked for those consequences and yet now you’re forced to deal with them! The big question though is: how on earth did you allow your fiancé to buy you such an extravagant gift if you weren’t comfortable with it? Why didn’t you just explain your feelings to him? If you weren’t able to adequately communicate them, you need to really examine that and work on it. If you did, and he brushed them aside, well then your anger comes from the fact that you’re engaged to a disrespectful, insensitive person.
If you’ve returned the last FOUR gifts your fiancé has bought you, he is either NOT LISTENING to you or you are NOT PROPERLY COMMUNICATING what you want (which may be no gifts at all).
I’m betting you get angry because you’re unable to tell people what you really want and then you resent them and yourself for putting you in uncomfortable positions.
Side note – that comment about your daughter made me very sad. I have kids your daughter’s age, and – please don’t take this the wrong way - I would be colossally embarrassed if my kids ever did this. I wish you the best in trying to figure this out and breaking the cycle.
posted by yawper at 2:01 PM on June 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
Here’s why: because this gift doesn’t align with your values. You don’t value fancy cars; you didn’t even feel you needed a new car at all, let alone a fancy one. And now you have this car that is complicated and expensive to maintain and there are real consequences to owning it: you’re paying more for insurance, and you’re stressed out while driving it because of the added features and the possibility of damaging such a costly gift. Of course you feel resentful. You never asked for those consequences and yet now you’re forced to deal with them! The big question though is: how on earth did you allow your fiancé to buy you such an extravagant gift if you weren’t comfortable with it? Why didn’t you just explain your feelings to him? If you weren’t able to adequately communicate them, you need to really examine that and work on it. If you did, and he brushed them aside, well then your anger comes from the fact that you’re engaged to a disrespectful, insensitive person.
If you’ve returned the last FOUR gifts your fiancé has bought you, he is either NOT LISTENING to you or you are NOT PROPERLY COMMUNICATING what you want (which may be no gifts at all).
I’m betting you get angry because you’re unable to tell people what you really want and then you resent them and yourself for putting you in uncomfortable positions.
Side note – that comment about your daughter made me very sad. I have kids your daughter’s age, and – please don’t take this the wrong way - I would be colossally embarrassed if my kids ever did this. I wish you the best in trying to figure this out and breaking the cycle.
posted by yawper at 2:01 PM on June 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
I have a relative who is similar to you, who likes to research things online and find good prices for items. As a kid, the relative received a toy she didn't ask for, and said "Did I ask for a fluffy bunny?"
I'm not sure if it's because of her, or because the whole family is fairly practical, but my wife's family sets up online wish lists, and there's discussed dollar amount limit on gifts. The wish list can have anything you want on it, but my wife's parents have their financial threshold, and everyone knows it. There are less surprises this way, but there's less disappointment, too. Also, the wishlist includes things that people have thought about, but haven't bought for themselves, often because it's a bit beyond their usual comfort level for a purchase on their own.
For me, it feels odd telling people to look online at my wish-list, but it's safe and takes out the hassle of finding a gift for people who already treat themselves well.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:09 PM on June 10, 2013
I'm not sure if it's because of her, or because the whole family is fairly practical, but my wife's family sets up online wish lists, and there's discussed dollar amount limit on gifts. The wish list can have anything you want on it, but my wife's parents have their financial threshold, and everyone knows it. There are less surprises this way, but there's less disappointment, too. Also, the wishlist includes things that people have thought about, but haven't bought for themselves, often because it's a bit beyond their usual comfort level for a purchase on their own.
For me, it feels odd telling people to look online at my wish-list, but it's safe and takes out the hassle of finding a gift for people who already treat themselves well.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:09 PM on June 10, 2013
I hate feeling owned by someone or reliant on them - I like to think of myself as independent, although that's not always been possible and I feel crap about that. I resent the power imbalance that arises when someone lavishes me with gifts or attention because I feel infantilised. I realised recently that it was because I've spent most of my life being depressed. The times in my life when I've been most depressed are the times when I've been the least able to accept gifts, to the point where I've felt the giver was just trying to use the gift as a manipulation tool.
I can't say I've ever returned a gift but I have been deeply unhappy to receive them. A large part of this is habit forming - you learnt it from your mother; your daughter learnt it from both of you.
In the car situation, you are perhaps responding to the fact that you didn't say, 'no, honey - it's a lovely idea but it's just not for me'. When we go along with things we don't really want to for the sake of someone else's feelings, we can often wind up hurt because we feel we aren't being listened to.
One way to get around this is, as others have said, is to do away with gifts and to just be. The company of someone I love means more to me than anything in the world.
posted by heyjude at 2:10 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can't say I've ever returned a gift but I have been deeply unhappy to receive them. A large part of this is habit forming - you learnt it from your mother; your daughter learnt it from both of you.
In the car situation, you are perhaps responding to the fact that you didn't say, 'no, honey - it's a lovely idea but it's just not for me'. When we go along with things we don't really want to for the sake of someone else's feelings, we can often wind up hurt because we feel we aren't being listened to.
One way to get around this is, as others have said, is to do away with gifts and to just be. The company of someone I love means more to me than anything in the world.
posted by heyjude at 2:10 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
When we go along with things we don't really want to for the sake of someone else's feelings, we can often wind up hurt because we feel we aren't being listened to.
This is totally true. A friend of mine says "When I feel torn between feeling guilty (about not doing something) and resentful (for doing it), I always pick guilty. It doesn't last as long and I get to do what I want."
That could probably be adapted to your situation; you can feel guilty about saying something or resentful for having to live with having kept quiet.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:18 PM on June 10, 2013
This is totally true. A friend of mine says "When I feel torn between feeling guilty (about not doing something) and resentful (for doing it), I always pick guilty. It doesn't last as long and I get to do what I want."
That could probably be adapted to your situation; you can feel guilty about saying something or resentful for having to live with having kept quiet.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:18 PM on June 10, 2013
Fwiw, I was much more in your shoes until I started living in one room and had to become ruthless. Being forced to live simply turned out to be a real gift because I learned how to give things back, regift, or head people off early.
You know what? The only people who EVER mind are the ones who use gifts to try to manipulate people, (and fuck that anyway- not a real gift).
posted by small_ruminant at 2:22 PM on June 10, 2013
You know what? The only people who EVER mind are the ones who use gifts to try to manipulate people, (and fuck that anyway- not a real gift).
posted by small_ruminant at 2:22 PM on June 10, 2013
If you don't want people to have power over you - even people who should, because they love you and you claim to love them - that's your problem, and it's a big one.
The Guardian has a celebrity questionnaire where it sometimes asks, is it better to give or receive? Both have equal importance. Both indicate generosity.
posted by glasseyes at 3:30 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
The Guardian has a celebrity questionnaire where it sometimes asks, is it better to give or receive? Both have equal importance. Both indicate generosity.
posted by glasseyes at 3:30 PM on June 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
All forms of snobbery are ways of keeping other people away from you. This is why attempting to train people to give gifts that are more worthy of you, will not work. The gifts will still be unclean because they'll come from a person who isn't you.
Why you have this attitude, though, I can't say. It's kind of beyond MeFi's expertise, so... Therapy? I do actually think it's that serious. I've taken unappreciated gifts in stride but I've never had a friendship survive someone exuding a *fuck you who do you think you are, giving me something* type attitude. That's because they don't want my crappy, subpar friendship any more than they want my crappy, subpar gifts.
An alternative possible explanation is the case of my mother, who isn't someone who wants to push others away, so much as she has strong likes and dislikes, and very little patience. Some beloved relatives of hers travelled across the continent and wanted to take her out for the day to a historic city of great personal importance to them. And she said "oh no, I don't want to do *that!!!!* Let's just go to my favourite city and do my favourite thing." Well, they didn't get together that time, and soon after that my mother had (again) that embarrassed feeling she gets when she realises how foot-stampy and ungrateful she's been... And she never really did anything to repair the valued relationship, and the relatives died soon afterwards, so that was that. But, at least she didn't have to spend time doing something that wasn't an exact match to her own tastes and habits. Yet I'm suspecting this doesn't really apply to you because when she woke up to the situation, my mother was angry with herself for refusing, not the relatives for offering. So I just tend to suspect that your real issue is wanting to keep other people away from you.
On the one hand, this holds when you're talking about a scarf or a book (and it does sound like it holds when you are talking about a scarf or a book).
On the other hand, imposing a CAR on you? That's not quite of the magnitude of giving you keys tied with a bow, and announcing that you're moving. But it is a difference only in degree. I mean WTF? That's not a gift, that's a major financial decision and an imposition. It's controlling, not giving. If this is typical of the kind of situation you face with the car-giver then the problem is not just you being a snob, it's someone else being inappropriately controlling and selfish and I hate to say "bringing out the worst in you" but the car-giver's provoking-spikes do seem to align perfectly with your pre-existing tender spots, don't they?
posted by tel3path at 4:49 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Why you have this attitude, though, I can't say. It's kind of beyond MeFi's expertise, so... Therapy? I do actually think it's that serious. I've taken unappreciated gifts in stride but I've never had a friendship survive someone exuding a *fuck you who do you think you are, giving me something* type attitude. That's because they don't want my crappy, subpar friendship any more than they want my crappy, subpar gifts.
An alternative possible explanation is the case of my mother, who isn't someone who wants to push others away, so much as she has strong likes and dislikes, and very little patience. Some beloved relatives of hers travelled across the continent and wanted to take her out for the day to a historic city of great personal importance to them. And she said "oh no, I don't want to do *that!!!!* Let's just go to my favourite city and do my favourite thing." Well, they didn't get together that time, and soon after that my mother had (again) that embarrassed feeling she gets when she realises how foot-stampy and ungrateful she's been... And she never really did anything to repair the valued relationship, and the relatives died soon afterwards, so that was that. But, at least she didn't have to spend time doing something that wasn't an exact match to her own tastes and habits. Yet I'm suspecting this doesn't really apply to you because when she woke up to the situation, my mother was angry with herself for refusing, not the relatives for offering. So I just tend to suspect that your real issue is wanting to keep other people away from you.
On the one hand, this holds when you're talking about a scarf or a book (and it does sound like it holds when you are talking about a scarf or a book).
On the other hand, imposing a CAR on you? That's not quite of the magnitude of giving you keys tied with a bow, and announcing that you're moving. But it is a difference only in degree. I mean WTF? That's not a gift, that's a major financial decision and an imposition. It's controlling, not giving. If this is typical of the kind of situation you face with the car-giver then the problem is not just you being a snob, it's someone else being inappropriately controlling and selfish and I hate to say "bringing out the worst in you" but the car-giver's provoking-spikes do seem to align perfectly with your pre-existing tender spots, don't they?
posted by tel3path at 4:49 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just throwing this out there, but since you enjoy buying gifts for others, you may find that gift giving is a meaningful way of communicating love to you. (This is the premise of a book called The Five Love Languages, by the way, where people likely identify primarily with a specific type of action that is associated with love. The others are acts of service, words of encouragement, touch, and time spent together.) If this is so, you may also find it meaningful enough that when people buy you a gift, how thoughtful it was (in terms of knowing exactly what you want or need) may be associated closely with feelings of genuine affection, and perhaps the contrary, as well. In close conjunction with this, we all have a desire to be known and appreciated based on who we are and what we like, and perhaps the gifts themselves are communicating how well (or not) people know and appreciate you through this primary means of communicating love. Would this correlate to the seething that you feel when it doesn't seem to be done with this type of care or personal insight? Perhaps you are feeling not only that they didn't know you well enough, but they also wasted the effort entirely by not being careful or thoughtful, when the process should be more important and symbolic than that?
I would imagine that if it is the case, part of resolving it is perhaps a couple of things. First, it might help to understand that other people don't communicate love in the same way, and often, find gift giving obligatory, rather than an expression of love. In these cases, I've learned to show grace to people who don't do it very well (for the ways that I appreciate being loved), and try to view those relationships through the lens of how the do extend effort in our relationship. Second, I might ask whether, for those people who are more important to me, are they doing a good job, and is it based on honest discussions that I've had with them? If any of your expectations are couched in other people being mind readers, that way is fraught with frustration not only in this area, but in all areas of life. What makes this tricky, though, is that those things that are meaningful to us as expressions of love, we tend to want people to know what we need without it needing to be said all the time. I think we naturally associate some intimacy with this type of personal knowledge of each other. But the real world doesn't work like this, and we need to share at times explicitly what we need (although perhaps not forevermore).
In any case, just some ideas as your process your thoughts and feelings. If it's any consolation, I think most people experience something like what your experiencing; not with gifts necessarily (me, for example, I don't care much about that, most of the time), but in many other ways that have to do with expressions of affection. I've felt disappointment in my relationships over not always being affirmed in ways that make me feel like a meaningful member of a family/community/whatever. I've had to learn to resolve these things by finding validation in other ways that are meaningful; with very specific people who are meaningful to me and understand my desire for affirmation at times; or by looking a bit more carefully at how people care for me that might not be related to my top preferences at times. This last one can be a consolation, as knowing that I'm loved is at times more important than the way in which it is delivered.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:27 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would imagine that if it is the case, part of resolving it is perhaps a couple of things. First, it might help to understand that other people don't communicate love in the same way, and often, find gift giving obligatory, rather than an expression of love. In these cases, I've learned to show grace to people who don't do it very well (for the ways that I appreciate being loved), and try to view those relationships through the lens of how the do extend effort in our relationship. Second, I might ask whether, for those people who are more important to me, are they doing a good job, and is it based on honest discussions that I've had with them? If any of your expectations are couched in other people being mind readers, that way is fraught with frustration not only in this area, but in all areas of life. What makes this tricky, though, is that those things that are meaningful to us as expressions of love, we tend to want people to know what we need without it needing to be said all the time. I think we naturally associate some intimacy with this type of personal knowledge of each other. But the real world doesn't work like this, and we need to share at times explicitly what we need (although perhaps not forevermore).
In any case, just some ideas as your process your thoughts and feelings. If it's any consolation, I think most people experience something like what your experiencing; not with gifts necessarily (me, for example, I don't care much about that, most of the time), but in many other ways that have to do with expressions of affection. I've felt disappointment in my relationships over not always being affirmed in ways that make me feel like a meaningful member of a family/community/whatever. I've had to learn to resolve these things by finding validation in other ways that are meaningful; with very specific people who are meaningful to me and understand my desire for affirmation at times; or by looking a bit more carefully at how people care for me that might not be related to my top preferences at times. This last one can be a consolation, as knowing that I'm loved is at times more important than the way in which it is delivered.
posted by SpacemanStix at 8:27 PM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think your question sounds really different once you mentioned that the last gift your fiance bought you was A CAR.
It sounds like the two of you aren't able to honestly communicate about what you want. Imposing a car you don't want on you is quite controlling, and sounds like his idea of gift-giving is to give you what he thinks is best for you, not what you actually would want.
Aside from obviously problematic gifts like that, I think you need to really figure out what your thoughts are when someone gives you something you don't like. Do you think you spend more money/time/effort/thought on the gift you gave them? Are you offended that they thought you would appreciate something you don't like?
posted by inertia at 12:53 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
It sounds like the two of you aren't able to honestly communicate about what you want. Imposing a car you don't want on you is quite controlling, and sounds like his idea of gift-giving is to give you what he thinks is best for you, not what you actually would want.
Aside from obviously problematic gifts like that, I think you need to really figure out what your thoughts are when someone gives you something you don't like. Do you think you spend more money/time/effort/thought on the gift you gave them? Are you offended that they thought you would appreciate something you don't like?
posted by inertia at 12:53 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
The only insight I could otherwise offer is - do you maybe subconsciously feel like they're not putting any effort into figuring out what you'd like, and you feel that it's not fair that you're expending all this effort and they're not?
Even if this might be the case, I'd still reflect on why it makes you as angry as it seems to. I do have a friend who it sometimes feels like she just gets me any random tchochke as a gift, but rather than get angry about it, I am often tickled by how mindbogglingly odd the things she picks are, and it's became something I love about her. So I think the "habit of disliking gifts" and the "anger generated by bad gift" may be two separate issues.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:20 AM on June 10, 2013 [5 favorites]