How do I get back out there when my ex is associated with everyone?

June 9, 2013 7:03 PM

How do I move on and meet new people when my ex is popular and so well-liked?

So, my backstory: I went through a painful breakup 2 years ago and was determined to get out and try new organizations to meet new people. I live in a fairly small city where a lot of the volunteer organizations overlap. I met some great people and had a lot of fun with these groups. I was so happy that I joined these groups and was really putting myself out there to better myself and the community around me. I was getting invited to a lot of social events and it was great!

So, about 6 months ago, there was this one guy who is very well-known and kind of a bigwig in these groups who started to actively pursue me for about a month. I was definitely intrigued; he was cute and popular, but I still wasn't sure if I was completely over my ex. Everyone really seemed to support us getting together and finally I gave in and went out on a date with him. We ended up dating for about four months and I really started to fall for him when he suddenly broke up with me out of the blue (recently). He couldn't really give me a reason- he claimed that something was off- but I'm suspecting that he just either freaked out or realized that he enjoyed playing the field too much. He was constantly friending girls on Facebook, which was a source of insecurity for me in a way, and taking on new projects. He told me that he wasn't going to contact me for a while. Also, for the past 2 weeks, he's been skipping events that he knows I'm going to be at. I'm not sure if he's doing it for my benefit, even though I've never asked him not to go.

Now, I feel like I'm not invited to anything anymore. I keep seeing events pop up on facebook and he's still invited, but I'm not. They're open events and I would like to attend to possibly meet new people, but I feel weird. It's really frustrating because he's the one that pursued me and ended it. I really felt like these groups and events were great ways to meet people and since I'm being left off the events, I'm wondering if I should go or not anyway. Would it be too awkward? I'm still very hurt from his sudden breakup, but I'm not sure what to do.

We are both in our early 30's btw.

Thanks for any advice.

posted by Butterflye1010 to Human Relations (7 answers total)

You just do it.

But you need to be really clear about doing whatever you do for yourself. I had to do this, and on occasion I had to deal with my ex who kept saying, "Why are you always hanging out at my bar?" It was very easy (and true) for me to then say, "Because they have really good food and free shuttles to the hockey games, and because I WANT TO, dude."

You are yourself. you are a really, really nice and genuine person, and you let people get to know you as that person, not as So-and-So's Ex.

If those events are really open, go to them. Don't go to them to be defiant, but if you really want to go because they're cool events, go.

And don't give anyone any reason to think you're being fake. (Don't be fake.) Do it for yourself.
posted by Madamina at 7:16 PM on June 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

I went through a bad breakup a while ago, and the ex and I both continue to work in the same, relatively small profession. I totally sympathize: it was hard to go to industry events at first. Madamina's advice is exactly correct. Go, be confident in yourself. Carve out your own identity and remind people of who you are, outside of your association with the other person. If they're open events then they're open events, and you should feel free to go to them and enjoy them. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and that people know that's the case.
posted by ZaphodB at 10:05 PM on June 9, 2013

You had a brief fling more than a relationship relationship, there was an abrupt fade to black instead of a prolonged drama to end it -- you have my permission to attend all the open events you like without feeling peculiar about being there.
posted by kmennie at 11:51 PM on June 9, 2013

I would certainly wonder if the ex-bf might have said bad things about me to cause this freeze. Is there anyone you can subtly quiz, or do you need new friends?
posted by Cranberry at 1:32 AM on June 10, 2013

Response by poster: I don't think he would be someone who would do that. The "breakup" was undramatic... I got upset, but didn't beg or plead. I just don't understand why he is actively avoiding me now- which may be why others are inviting him out over me.
posted by Butterflye1010 at 4:07 AM on June 10, 2013

Your timeline is pretty tight. It's only been a few weeks. People who knew him before don't know how much brekup drama there is so they default to the status quo, which is him not you. It's not personal, it's that these people don't know you. Some may even think you were into the meetups just because of the guy and that you're no longer interested.

So you should definitely go, they're open events. Be your friendly self and talk with people about upcoming events etc., so they know you're interested. Do some inviting of your own. If anyone asks about the guy, give a one-line, no-drama answer: "oh that didn't work out but it's all good." That's the elephant in the room and they'll take their cue from you.

Over the longer term it's probably good to start making more solid one-on-one connections with people. I've learned that friends are as important if not moreso than relationships, especially when you're expanding your social world.

I just don't understand why he is actively avoiding me now-

You don't have to understand why he's doing what he's doing, it's not your problem and not your business. His low profile won't last forever though, so be ready to be friendly but detached when he is at an event you attend.
posted by headnsouth at 5:06 AM on June 10, 2013

The funny thing about these things is that when the guy is popular and the girl isn't, the guy gets to keep his social circle and the girl has to go find a new one. I recommend you find a new group of friends who aren't superficial bigwigs. Why be popular when you can have substance?
posted by lotusmish at 10:47 AM on June 17, 2013