Watered Down Sexism?
June 6, 2013 8:57 AM   Subscribe

Ordered one drink, received - what I consider - a more 'feminine' version of said drink. Something to complain further about?

Background - I am a late 20s female professional. I travel extensively for work and the following occurred at a Hotel Restaurant in a southern state. Note - the Hotel Restaurant was NOT busy, nor was the bar packed.

I sat down for dinner a hotel restaurant and asked the waitress what scotchs they had available at the bar. She did not know and went to ask the bartender. He gave her a list of scotchs and asked who it was for. She indicated me. This conversation happened at the bar, but I was within hearing distance/could observe the conversation.

She returned and gave me a list of scotchs. I ordered my scotch neat. When she returned - I was given a scotch and water. I let her know that this was the incorrect drink, but she seemed very nervous about returning to the bar. I accepted the scotch and water. When I received by bill at the end of meal, the receipt clearly indicated Scotch neat. I suspect the bartender poured a 'gentler' drink due to who the drink was going to.

To note - I don't necessarily have an issue with scotch and water, however it was not what I ordered and I question the reason for the change.

I am considering writing a letter to the Hotel to complain about my drink issue - however I am not sure if I should even bother. Am I reading sexism where it doesn't exist? I may be sensitive to the issue as this occurred in the Deep South where there is a certain amount of overt chivalry/differentiation of the sexes. Do you think it was just an honest mistake?
posted by Suffocating Kitty to Food & Drink (56 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Not an honest mistake, but also not one worthy of making a fuss over at this point. Next time you're at that hotel, return the drink (yourself, if the waitress doesn't want to) and just say, "I ordered this neat."
posted by Etrigan at 8:59 AM on June 6, 2013 [27 favorites]


It's hard to say what the motive behind the mixup was, it could be what you say, it could have been a mistake, or it could be that the bartender just serves neat drinks cut with water.

The only way to be sure would be to have a man order the same thing from the same tender and see what happens, but by that point you've put a little too much effort into fighting a very small battle that's part of a much larger war.
posted by Think_Long at 9:01 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


If you ordred it neat, it should have been neat. Send it back or as Etrigan says, walk it back to the bartender.

Not sexist per se so no need to get upset there, just the wrong drink.

Would you write this letter if it wasn't sexism? If not, then don't bother.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:01 AM on June 6, 2013 [7 favorites]


Yeah, there is a chance the tender was an idiot and thinks "neat" means with water. There was ice I take it?
posted by vrakatar at 9:04 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think your gender association here is not necessarily valid. Some scotches (not all and not everyone agrees) are considered to be better if they are diluted a little. It's not necessarily a gentler drink, but possibly (to a scotch enthusiast) a more 'proper' drink. The barman may have thought he was correcting a slightly 'wrong' order to a better representation of the drink. Not because you are a girl, but because he was perhaps being a bit snobbish? Or trying to help? Any of the above.

So it's not about 'gentler' or 'lady-fying' the drink necessarily at all. That's bringing some other baggage to the table, to me. There is a LOT more justification in adding water to scotch than a sexism issue.

However, there is an issue here. Even if you were flat out wrong to order that scotch with whatever you wanted, it wasn't what you ordered. Maybe that scotch IS better with water, but if you ordered it with a carrot and broccoli sticking out of it, that is what you ordered.
posted by Brockles at 9:04 AM on June 6, 2013 [18 favorites]


This doesn't read as sexism to me. It's possible the bartender or waitress is incompetent/snobby/whatever, but I'm just not seeing where gender enters into it. Is there some other detail that makes you think your being a woman had something to do with it?
posted by Diagonalize at 9:06 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


My immediate thought is "that waitress was afraid of the bartender or else the work climate is such that she can't address mistakes because people get so horrible". That may be sexism of a different kind, directed at the waitress, of course.
posted by Frowner at 9:08 AM on June 6, 2013 [14 favorites]


We have no way to know whether it was an honest mistake or not. In either case it was an error and a good manager would want to know about it. It seems like you're wondering whether to make a big deal out of it or not, in the sense that it might not be worth complaining after the fact if it was just the bartender not knowing what "neat" meant, but it might be worth complaining about sexist treatment.

To me, this doesn't necessarily read as sexist. I'm a dude, and I have trouble more often than not when ordering whisky at the bar. Unless I'm at a bar where the bartender knows me, it seems like there's no predicting how the whisky will arrive.

If it were me, I'd focus on the error and not the potential motives. I'd write an email to the hotel saying I had an otherwise great time &c. but there was a mix-up at the bar and that if it were my bar, I'd want to know about it so I could correct it. I'd say I was otherwise happy and not trying to make a big deal, but I'm old-fashioned and a bit particular about my drinks, and this is what happened.
posted by gauche at 9:08 AM on June 6, 2013


I'm also not really seeing scotch and water as a "feminine" drink. I'd feel differently if you ordered scotch neat and got a Cosmo and a slimy wink in return, but this just doesn't feel the same.
posted by Diagonalize at 9:11 AM on June 6, 2013 [13 favorites]


If you didn't actually see the splash go into the scotch I'd chalk it up to the bar having added the water to the liquor bottle before you even got there.

It's a profit deal.
posted by Cuspidx at 9:13 AM on June 6, 2013 [14 favorites]


One incorrect drink order really isn't a big enough deal to write a letter over, and it would be especially unfair considering you didn't give the waitress and bartender the chance to fix it.
posted by payoto at 9:15 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


I will agree with the rest of the posters in that this is a difficult thing to parse for sexism. However, I can not say that this is not sexism. It kinda falls under the umbrella of "microaggressions." These are the small, subtle, ubiquitous interactions that reaffirm our race/gender/class/sexual orientation/religious roles when dealing with people who innately have more privilege. One of the maddening things about microaggressions, is that they can make you doubt yourself.

If you feel that it is important enough to you to raise this issue with the establishment, then by all means do. It is very possible that he was consciously or unconsciously "putting you in your place." Regardless, he gave you the wrong drink, and that should be addressed.
posted by anansi at 9:21 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


Am I reading sexism where it doesn't exist?

I will say that I would not at all be surprised if there was some sexism going on there, if only because she asked the guy what scotches were available and he asked her who wanted to know. Why? Would knowing who you were somehow change the answer? Is it a magical wizard bar where a decent Glenmorangie will materialize out of the ether, but only if you're a left-handed redhead?

Do you think it was just an honest mistake?

My take on it is this: It sounds like the waitress was maybe new and/or the bartender was a bit of a dickhead. The fact that she was nervous about bringing the drink back is the giveaway here. Did he pour you a Scotch and water because you're a girl? Maybe. It's not hard to imagine that whatever dickheadedness made her nervous about taking the drink back also includes being a dickhead about women, if that was the case.

So anyway. To answer your question: I wouldn't write a letter, if only because there are so many levels of deniability on their end of the story that they'll pretty much just toss your letter in the trash. The issue raised in your letter wouldn't even really be what they did so much as why they did it, which is something impossible to verify. But it sucks when people do things like this, and no I don't think you're necessarily reading too much into this - you were there, and none of the people reading this thread were. In other words, it's not that you shouldn't feel annoyed or that you wouldn't be right to write a letter, just that it'd be pointless.

What I would do is either avoid that hotel bar again, or be a little firmer with people in situations like these. If the waitress appears nervous about talking to the bartender, just get up and talk to the guy yourself, especially if it's not busy and the bar is packed.

If something like this happens again, and you go talk to the bartender, and in the course of that conversation, the bartender says he poured you a scotch and water because you're a woman, then yeah, get ready to write a damn letter.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:23 AM on June 6, 2013 [18 favorites]


I am not sure if I should even bother. Am I reading sexism where it doesn't exist?

Yep, write a quick email. You didn't get what you ordered. You can say in your letter that one possible interpretation that occurred to you was that this was because you're female, and whether or not that's the case, you want to note that you were unhappy with the service and the way it was dealt with was unsatisfactory. Plain and simple.

Hotels know which side their bread is buttered on. Every time I've written a hotel, positive or negative, I've received a response. It makes me feel better and gives them feedback. Just do it; it's not worth deliberating over, it's natural and happens all the time. They can take it.
posted by Miko at 9:35 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


I get my spirits served incorrectly all the time. I order it on the rocks with a glass of ice on the side because most cubes are the kind that melt too fast. What I get is neat with a glass of ice and I have to pour in the liquor and make the server get me more ice.
posted by brujita at 9:37 AM on June 6, 2013


Response by poster: Just as a clarification - I put feminine in quotation marks. I don't consider scotch and water as a feminine drink- but could see how a bartender would try to lighten a drink for a woman. I agree some scotches do taste better cut with some water - I don't feel like a Macallan warrants it.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 9:40 AM on June 6, 2013


It could well have been sexism but I think the above posters are right in that the right thing to do is address the situation when it happens (I liked the suggestion of going to the bar and repeating, "I ordered this neat.") After it happens, it's sort of too late and it just gets to the point of stewing over things. Let bygones be bygones (and next time tell the bartender that you wanted your drink neat :-)
posted by mermily at 9:41 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


I love scotch. I hate scotch and water. To me that's taking away everything that makes it good. It's like a scotch on the rocks, but you don't even get the fun of having the drink change as the ice melts. If I ordered scotch neat I would expect my drink to be what I ordered.

I'd write the letter. I don't care why it was the wrong drink. It was the wrong drink!
posted by cjorgensen at 9:41 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


Next time just walk up to the bartender. A letter is passive aggressive. You need to be assertive if the waiter isn't willing to do their job.
posted by discopolo at 9:43 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


I am considering writing a letter to the Hotel to complain about my drink issue - however I am not sure if I should even bother. Am I reading sexism where it doesn't exist? I may be sensitive to the issue as this occurred in the Deep South where there is a certain amount of overt chivalry/differentiation of the sexes. Do you think it was just an honest mistake?

My read is honest mistake. I am definitely a letter writer about stuff and I think this is a fine way to deal with it. However it may be that the response you get will be along the lines of "Maybe you should have said something at the time?" and so it's worth thinking about how much you want to go down that road personally. Like, if it will make you feel better to write a letter, I think that is a good idea. However if it will make you more frustrated to get a response that dumps this back in your lap (some places are good at apologies, some are not, a bad way to handle this would be "You should have told us at the time!") it might not be a thing worth doing. But more to the point, scotch is expensive, relative to other drinks, and the hotel should know that their bar appears to have (or maybe one-time had) problems managing to make customers happy who were spending real money there. I think that's always worth pointing out.
posted by jessamyn at 9:46 AM on June 6, 2013


It is possible it was an honest mistake; it is possible it was sexism. However, the time to do something about it was when you had the drink in front of you and the situation could be corrected. What do you want to happen now? If in fact the bartender has some sexist ideas, those idea are not likely to be shaken by an after-the-fact letter.
posted by neroli at 9:46 AM on June 6, 2013 [4 favorites]


I don't get it. If you got the wrong drink, why didn't you send it back regardless of your server's apprehension? If I were the recipient of a letter regarding a botched drink order, I would toss it in the circular file if I knew you drank the drink. It is no different than cleaning your plate and then complaining that you ordered grilled salmon, not poached salmon.

Regarding your question for why the order was botched, only the bartender knows, and I suspect he is not ready this thread. Maybe he is a horrible sexist. Or, maybe it was a terminology issue. I am a whiskey drinker and have found that there is some confusion about these terminologies. For this reason, at higher end places, the server will often confirm what I mean by "neat" or "straight". It is much like when I order a steak and the server will confirm that I know what "rare" or "medium rare" means. You would think these are easy things to get right, but they obviously aren't. Also, I would not discount the fact that a some bartenders can be just like some chefs in that they think there is an ideal way for things to be prepared. Maybe he thought this scotch was better with a splash. There are certain whiskeys I think are better served that way.

In any event, if the drink was not prepared to your liking, the time to complain was on the spot, which you did. However, you ultimately accepted the drink. You accepted the drink. If you accept the drink, I think you have lost the right to complaint about it . I think it is passive aggressive to write the letter after you accepted and drank it.
posted by Tanizaki at 9:49 AM on June 6, 2013 [5 favorites]


I don't think this is worth writing a letter about, at ALL.

I'm a feminist, I'm sensitive to sexism. I think usually the right way to "fight" sexism is quietly, calmly, in my day-to-day life. Call out men who make inappropriate comments (nicely, assuming no ill-intent), show that I can lift heavy things and use power tools and like science fiction and drink my bourbon neat. If they get a letter, they'll dismiss you as hysterical. If the bartender just gets used to serving people of both genders the drinks they like without a fuss, any underlying sexism will slowly be dissipated (men who want cosmos - order them!).

I let her know that this was the incorrect drink, but she seemed very nervous about returning to the bar.

I would have smiled at her and said - "No big deal. Just the scotch please, no water." If she was really acting weird I might have just stood up, with a smile, and sauntered over to the bar myself to let the bartender correct it in a friendly way.
posted by amaire at 9:50 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


If you disagreed with the bill, you should have disputed it at the time. I don't think this is something letter-worthy and I don't see what you can gain from writing a letter unless it is just to make yourself feel better. You don't have any way of knowing why your drink was watered down- could have been any number of reasons- but it sounds to me like you just got ripped off, not that you were a victim of sexism.
posted by windykites at 9:52 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


What exactly do you hope to accomplish by writing the letter? They aren't going to discipline the bartender on your word about a drink you didn't even return. They aren't going to send you a free scotch in the mail. Nothing will change at all. If writing a letter will make you feel better then by all means write the letter. Just don't send it.
posted by COD at 9:53 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


I was given a scotch and water. I let her know that this was the incorrect drink, but she seemed very nervous about returning to the bar. I accepted the scotch and water... I am considering writing a letter to the Hotel to complain about my drink issue

I don't think you gave them a fair chance to rectify this situation. You accepted the drink; the bartender wasn't even aware this was a problem. I think if you decline to resolve the problem at the time, it's not very sporting to write an e-mail complaining about it later.

Had the bartender argued with you after returning the drink, that would be very different.

(Also, the server was nervous because she probably doesn't know anything about scotch and figured she she screwed up the order. I've had severs and so-called bartenders not know what "neat" means before. And there are some whiskys that are better with a splash, though if it tasted "watered down" to you, they put in too much.)
posted by spaltavian at 9:57 AM on June 6, 2013 [6 favorites]


I'm going to dissent with the others who are saying "I don't think it's sexism," but I do agree that it's not worth writing a letter to the bar about.

I will add, though, that if sexism is what concerns you, then the fact that you caved and accepted the drink kind of....contributed to the very sexism you're trying to combat. One of the reasons that people take advantage of women is that they expect us to cave in and just go-along-to-get-along, because that's what we're socialized to do. And....that's exactly what you did.

I wouldn't write the letter, but I would chalk this up to a learning experience that you have the right to speak up and get the drink you ordered. (And in case this is coming across as harsh - my own personal Learning Experience was a really bad order of rice at a diner that I just ate, and then an hour after I'd left I realized, "wait, why the fuck didn't I send it back?")
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:59 AM on June 6, 2013 [6 favorites]


The fact that the bartender asked who it was for stands out to me: unless a customer was visibly drunk, and the bartender was maybe trying to reduce the hotel's liability in some way, then the recipent of the drink should be totally immaterial.

Was it sexism on the bartender's part? No way to tell now; but, especially because he clearly knew what the correct order was (it was on the receipt, after all!), I would write or email the hotel manager..... Do it politely, don't demand any kind of refund (it's way too late for that), just write the facts calmly, "for your information, I thought I should let you know what occurred when I recently stayed at your hotel". Then drop it.
posted by easily confused at 10:13 AM on June 6, 2013 [4 favorites]


Having worked in three bars, my first thought was that the bartender is skimming liquor for himself. He might have been checking to see if you looked like someone who might make an issue of it. The sexist angle I can believe is that if the waitress had pointed out a man, the bartender might have expected to be challenged by the customer.

The reason I don't think it was an honest mistake is that the waitress was so reluctant to go and get you the drink you wanted.

If you'd received the wrong drink and the waitress refused to send it back, I think a complaint would be very appropriate. But as it is, just looking at the facts, you don't have much of a case. It really was on you to be firm about what you wanted, or at least not to accept the diluted drink. On the other hand, the situation was definitely weird, and I might have chosen to let it go if I'd been in your shoes.
posted by wryly at 10:15 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


This also doesn't read as overt sexism to me. Not that this kind of thing doesn't happen--for instance, I've witnessed servers "correct" orders of regular soda to diet, either verbally ("did you mean diet Fanta?") or by simply assuming that the patron meant diet, because that's what ladies drink, and making the substitution. That's obviously sexist.

I'm cynical, but I would instead assume this is a way to fleece the customer by serving less scotch for the same money. Did the drink obviously contain the same amount of scotch as it would have neat?
posted by pullayup at 10:17 AM on June 6, 2013


How much does your read of the situation rely on this occurring in the U.S. South? If you were in a new bar in Philadelphia and the exact same thing happened would you have read it the same way? I mean, you got the wrong drink and thus have a legit complaint so write a letter if that's your thing, but it's a bit crummy to assign sexist motivation to the bartender because of something as superficial as the state in which he works.
posted by 0 at 10:18 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


My boyfriend & I were at a bar about a year ago -- not particularly busy but the bartender was paying lots of attention to his buddies. We took a table and ordered through the waitress. My BF drinks bourbon neat. She brought it on the rocks. To soften the message, I (rather than he) told the waitress it was wrong & that we knew it wasn't her fault but to please return it for a new drink. Then I watched the waitress/bartender exchange. She was clearly cowed by him. He strained the drink into a new glass. She brought it to us and although at this point my BF was like, "forget it", I very nicely told her what she already knew but couldn't bring herself to say to the bartender -- neat is not the same as up. The third time, the drink was right. We did not order a second round and I made sure to be the one who paid and I gave her explicit instructions that the tip was for her service only and was not to be shared with the bartender.

Don't write the letter. Next time, stand up for your right to drink what you ordered. You're the customer, ergo you are right. But a letter will really do nothing. The bartender will just make up some story. You need to take positive action in the moment, just as a man would, or else you are perpetuating stereotypes of wimpy women. And it can be done very nicely so you don't swing the other direction into Dragon Lady territory.

We walked by the offending bar the other day. Closed. I smirked.
posted by janey47 at 10:28 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


It's really odd to look at this scenario and say you don't have a case. You aren't going to sue the bar in small claims court. This is not a legal or moral issue; it is a customer service issue.

Good management would want to know about this situation and to try make it right even if you could have done something at the time and didn't. Doing so will be better for their business since they might get you as a repeat customer and you are less likely to badmouth them to other acquaintances and the internet.
posted by grouse at 10:31 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you want to write a letter, by all means do so, but I think the complaint is that you ordered a scotch neat, were given a scotch and water and the waitress demurred when asked to take it back. I don't think there's enough to call this sexism. It's just bad service.

Personally, I'd let it drop.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:34 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


You didn't get the drink you ordered, but you didn't complain and send it back? Feminine stereotypes r us? I doubt the waitress would have been whipped with chains had you sent the drink back. Why write the letter when you can practice your assertion skills?
posted by Ideefixe at 10:38 AM on June 6, 2013 [7 favorites]


I think you may have unreasonably high expectations of the mixology skills of airport hotel bartenders. I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:46 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


My boyfriend and I both drink various whiskies and this is both a plausible sexist decision and a plausible screwup. If you send the letter I would address it as a screwup, just as you should have done at the time of the drink. ("sorry, I thought you'd be familiar with 'neat' - it means without water"). You don't have enough evidence to make a convincing accusation of discrimination, but I'd be sending it more for the fact that the waitress wouldn't take it back - that's a pretty bad sign that the management should probably know about.
posted by jacalata at 10:47 AM on June 6, 2013


I'd be more annoyed by the "who's ordering this?" once-over before deciding to serve you. That's a really crappy attitude that the bartender's boss might want to know about.
posted by chowflap at 11:10 AM on June 6, 2013 [4 favorites]


I think it was prewatered down and he asked who it was for so he could know if he needed to go to the real bottle. I would say he sized you up, probably as a woman who does not know, and gave you the watered down scotch.

Having said that, I do not think I would send a letter. I would try to address it at the time with the offender, and if that was not sufficient, I would write the letter afterwards.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:13 AM on June 6, 2013


Much less exciting, I know, but an alternative interpretation is that the barman simply assumed you were a discerning customer. FWIW, and speaking as a Scotsman, you need to cut whisky with a little water to release the volatile oils and ensure your palate isn't overpowered by the alcohol.
posted by falcon at 11:15 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]


"Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained by incompetence." That phrase has served me well over the years, and I would apply it to this situation if I were in your shoes.
posted by deadmessenger at 11:16 AM on June 6, 2013 [10 favorites]


you need to cut whisky with a little water to release the volatile oils and ensure your palate isn't overpowered by the alcohol

Generally this is a few drops, and the result would not be described as "scotch and water."
posted by grouse at 11:32 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Another clarification - this drink was not cut with a LITTLE water. This was a full tumbler of ice and water and scotch. This was not at an airport hotel - so I do expect a level of competence from the bartender.

I should have said something at the time about the drink - but shrugged it off. The more I thought about the bartender's reaction as to who it was for, the more annoyed I became and wanted to check in with the Hive mind to see if I my assumption was reasonable.

0 - By pointing out it happened in the South, I was noting that I am absolutely treated differently as a young woman there, than say in Philadelphia. I don't get "Ma'am-ed" at home, nor do people go out of their way to carry my luggage off the plane. I was curious if that carried over into the drink issue as well.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 11:46 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


Generally this is a few drops, and the result would not be described as "scotch and water."

Generally, it is up to a fifth by volume, and the term "scotch and water" has no meaning when the presumption is that whisky will be cut. At least, that's how we do it, and what a barman might understand if he was adequately skilled.
posted by falcon at 11:48 AM on June 6, 2013


I'm with Frowner - the thing that has me the most nonplussed here is that the waitress didn't want to take the drink back for whatever reason. I'm curious about what she said (or if it was her body language). If you're going to write a letter I would frame it as "there seems to be something weird going on between the wait staff and the bar, and you should fix it because it's making everyone uncomfortable."
posted by en forme de poire at 11:54 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


I live in the South, am a woman, and have ordered and received neat Scotch in lots of bars. I don't think you can read sexism into this incident, more like a crappy bartender and waitress. Don't be afraid to send back a drink if it isn't what you ordered.
posted by Daily Alice at 11:55 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


Sometimes a bartender is just a jerk.
I know a bartender who consistently short-pours me on beer. Not OK.
posted by plinth at 12:29 PM on June 6, 2013


You are assuming it was sexist. Maybe it was motivated by sexism, but you don't really know and writing a letter about one messed up drink order alleging sexism after the fact is just going to sound crazy. This was something that needed to be dealt with at the time and with the bartender directly. Writing a letter accusing the bartender of sexism will probably just make whoever opens the letter roll their eyes and say, "Feminists." I see your point, but I also think your chance to confront it has passed. I would seriously just let it go.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:47 PM on June 6, 2013


Also, the server was nervous because she probably doesn't know anything about scotch and figured she she screwed up the order.

This, plus many establishments make servers pay for order mistakes out of their wages/tips, so the waitress, who probably has trouble making ends meet on her earnings, might have been afraid the situation with you was going to cost her the price of your drink, which is likely to have been the equivalent of an hour of her earnings.
posted by aught at 12:50 PM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]


I've had people bring me Jack-and-Cokes when I've asked for a Jack on the rocks. I just send it back. Maybe it's sexism, maybe people order Jack on the rocks so infrequently the bartender assumed it was a mistake, maybe it was a mistake period, maybe the waitress wrote the ticket wrong. In your case, it could be sexism, but it could also be the bartender skimming liquor or being a snob about serving scotch neat since some scotches are best drunk with water in order to open the liquor up. If you sent the drink back and the bartender refused to serve you a drink neat then you'd have a case. But without sending it back you can't confirm why it was sent to you, so right now the basis of your accusation would be considered as likely as any other reason and your complaint dismissed.
posted by Anonymous at 12:59 PM on June 6, 2013


I don't think any of us can reasonably make guesses about the motivations of the bartender. Sexism or snobbishness or incompetence or lack of attention, who knows. Don't bother writing a letter. Next time someone gets your drink wrong, insist they get it right. Liquor at a bar is usually fairly expensive and worth asking the bartender to pour what you asked. If s/he wants to convince you of changing your order, they can do it assertively instead of passive-aggressively.
posted by asciident at 3:09 PM on June 6, 2013


You know, While i do think the sexism angle isn't implausible, i think the most likely explanation is that it falls under the greater umbrella of the bartender being an asshole.

There's a lot of asshole bartenders, there's a depressing number if incompetent bartenders. A surprising number double majored in both.

This is the type of thing that would have me black marking this place as somewhere to never spend my money again. I very long ago gave up on trying to remedy situations involving shit employees at places unless it's like egregious. This is minor league passive aggressive bullshit.

I find it completely plausible that this guy was either a sexist asshole, an asshole, or an incompetent asshole. They all seem about as likely and plausible as someone saying a public bathroom they went in smells like poop to me.

Is there anything you can do about it, or anything worth doing? no. Maybe this guy will do something like this to an executive from out of town who will flip shit and threaten to sue the place and the guy will be instantly canned. Maybe he'll get fired for some other reason, maybe he'll go on being an asshole and making the place mediocre(at best) to go to.

That ship kinda has to sail it's course though, and i completely agree that the window for complaining and doing something about this was right then... and that it's passed.

Make a mental note, in a here there be dragons way, that "here there be assholes". Warn friends or other people who are going to that area that the place sucks, and move on.

There isn't much else that's actually worth doing.
posted by emptythought at 3:15 PM on June 6, 2013


Order scotch neat water on the side and they probably won't screw it up ever again.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:25 PM on June 6, 2013


There are a lot of asshole bartenders--many who think they know better than you. I once ordered a Boodles Gibson. The drink arrived and, tasting it, I knew it was made with Tanqueray 10, a wonderful gin and one of my favorites. I told the waiter, "I ordered Boodles. This is Tanq 10." The waiter spoke to the bartender and then returned and insisted it was Boodles.

I finished the drink and got the bill, which clearly said "Boodles Gibson". I walked to the bar. I asked the barkeep to show me the bottle of Boodles. He said, "Gin is gin. We don't serve Boodles anymore." I put the bill on the counter, said, "Then I couldn't have drank this," and left.

Had they just told me they don't serve Boodles anymore, I would have been fine with Tanqueray and probably would have had one or two more. But instead they treated me like an idiot. I'm not gonna pay them for the privilege.

In the future, whenever you get the wrong drink, send it back. No matter what. The reason the person fucked up the drink is irrelevant. You're paying for something specific. If they haven't got it or can't do it, they shouldn't be charging you as if they can. Scotch and water is not Scotch and never will be.
posted by dobbs at 9:03 PM on June 6, 2013 [8 favorites]


Also, just to belabor this, but--writing a letter to whoever is in charge is basically giving up your own agency and getting an authority figure to fix it for you. I see this fairly often with young(ish) women, irl and here on the green. You don't need a professor, a cop, a boss or a lawyer to tell you it's okay to send the drink back, make a scene, get your own way or anything else.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:35 AM on June 10, 2013 [1 favorite]


A little late here, but I wanted to address something you said in your last update. I am a Southern woman. Being called "ma'am" (or "sir"), having doors held open for you, and having someone grab your luggage if you're a woman or elderly is considered polite. Watering down your good hooch is considered highly rude. The guy's not a sexist. He's a different breed of ass.
posted by Addlepated at 10:51 PM on June 11, 2013


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