Pro-tips for public displays of affection
June 5, 2013 11:58 PM Subscribe
How to give hugs and kisses that are always nice
Hey guys I had a pretty awkward hug with someone yesterday, so I was wondering what makes a hug nice/non-awkward (sometimes you really like the person but when you hug it's all elbows and chins)? Or what makes a good hug better than a bad one?
Similar question for cheek/forehead/normal kissing.
In both a romantic and friendly context.
Hey guys I had a pretty awkward hug with someone yesterday, so I was wondering what makes a hug nice/non-awkward (sometimes you really like the person but when you hug it's all elbows and chins)? Or what makes a good hug better than a bad one?
Similar question for cheek/forehead/normal kissing.
In both a romantic and friendly context.
Oh, and I meant to say it lasts about a second, maybe two if it's both sides; a bit longer and closer (more huggy) if it's a very good friend and I haven't seen them in a long time.
posted by taz at 12:45 AM on June 6, 2013
posted by taz at 12:45 AM on June 6, 2013
I'm guessing you were the hugger, and the other person was the huggee.
It's always awkward if the huggee is reluctant. Maybe everyone needs a hug, but not everyone always wants one, and people can feel pressured to accept the hug if the approach has already started, or everyone else is happily accepting hugs.
With people you haven't hugged before, you can just ask if they would like a hug. It is essential to avoid making even the slightest movement to initiate a hug, even so much as stepping towards them, before they have answered, lest you move from one metafilter catchphrase to another, as one should only give consensual hugs, and hugs feel very awkward if someone consents due to a feeling of social pressure on their part.
Look to the side of their head your head is going to end up on if you don't want to smash chins.
I have no idea how to make cheek kissing not awkward, I'm never sure if I should kiss the person's cheek in return or not. Forehead kissing? I know nothing of this, except that it has something to do with the pope.
In a romantic context, it's very awkward to kiss people who aren't kissing you back, but it's also awkward to kiss back a person you don't want to kiss. Awkward is bound to happen on occasion.
posted by yohko at 1:04 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's always awkward if the huggee is reluctant. Maybe everyone needs a hug, but not everyone always wants one, and people can feel pressured to accept the hug if the approach has already started, or everyone else is happily accepting hugs.
With people you haven't hugged before, you can just ask if they would like a hug. It is essential to avoid making even the slightest movement to initiate a hug, even so much as stepping towards them, before they have answered, lest you move from one metafilter catchphrase to another, as one should only give consensual hugs, and hugs feel very awkward if someone consents due to a feeling of social pressure on their part.
Look to the side of their head your head is going to end up on if you don't want to smash chins.
I have no idea how to make cheek kissing not awkward, I'm never sure if I should kiss the person's cheek in return or not. Forehead kissing? I know nothing of this, except that it has something to do with the pope.
In a romantic context, it's very awkward to kiss people who aren't kissing you back, but it's also awkward to kiss back a person you don't want to kiss. Awkward is bound to happen on occasion.
posted by yohko at 1:04 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure if this question is answerable beyond saying "it just feels good." The same could be said for a hug or a kiss.
When in doubt, you can't go wrong by paying attention to the feedback you're getting from the other person. If they're not into it, you'll be able to feel it. If their half of a hug feels limp, for example, finish the hug and let go.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:10 AM on June 6, 2013
When in doubt, you can't go wrong by paying attention to the feedback you're getting from the other person. If they're not into it, you'll be able to feel it. If their half of a hug feels limp, for example, finish the hug and let go.
posted by 2oh1 at 1:10 AM on June 6, 2013
I think awkwardness usually has to do with an element of surprise or an element of reluctance on one party's part. So if both people are relaxed and 'into it' then it is much less awkward. I'm not a 'huggy' person so for me there is usually always a bit of awkwardness to get around because it's not that natural for me. YMMV.
posted by bquarters at 4:14 AM on June 6, 2013
posted by bquarters at 4:14 AM on June 6, 2013
I've been told I'm a good hugger. It's all about holding it just a little bit longer and squeezing just a little bit harder so they know it means something and isn't just perfunctory.
posted by saul wright at 4:17 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by saul wright at 4:17 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
This is such a personal thing! Every person's ideal PDA varies according to these factors and more:
-Cultural upbringing
-Current cultural environment
-Mood at the moment
-Gender presentation and associated cultural standards
-Height, weight, size of protuberances like shoulders and breasts as compared to yours
-How they feel about you
-The current environment's reaction to PDA
-If they are sweaty or hot or cold or smelly, or if you are any of these things
That's just off the top of my head.
However, I have been told by a few people over my life, with no prompting on my part, that I give good hugs. I also was emphatically not a hugger until late in high school (thank you drama club) and did a lot of thinking about how it was something I wanted to change about myself. So this is what I do:
First, I make sure they actually want a hug. If they have the arms-open hug-me posture then go for it; if they are swooping in also just go for it (and go with it). If I want to hug them, I ask verbally ("great to see you! hug?") and wait for verbal confirmation while holding a loose version of the arms-open posture. (Being loose prepares for if they respond to my question by hugging.)
Then I, being a short woman, will decide, depending on the other person's height, to go for both my arms below their arms, or diagonal. Diagonal is harder! But it gives a more equitable hug. You have to look at them to tell what they're intending.
I have large breasts and there is absolutely no getting around pressing them up against other people; I'm kinda over it at this point. Big whoop. Some people like them because it is vaguely maternal of me; I am okay with this! (Some people like them because hey, boobs, awesome. I am also okay with this.) So I have relatively little shame, and don't worry about keeping no-touchy space between myself and whoever I am hugging. I do NOT press my pelvis against anybody mid-hug unless it's quickly turning into a snog. This is no-sexy hugs only, here.
I do not back-pat or slap or pound or anything, this is the arena of men in my culture but also I think it is dumb. Sometimes I will grab a bit of shoulder or back and squeeze gently, a little.
Then pretty much it's attempting to read all of the factors I listed above. Is it hot out? Keep the hug short. Do I smell a little? Go for both-arms-under so as to minimize my underarm contact with the other person. Do they seem happy to touch me or is it an obligation? And so-on.
So, pay attention to other people's cues. Don't surprise-hug. Don't yell "hey!" and swoop in. Be methodical and sure with yourself, and if the other person shows discomfort, retract yourself quickly and pretend it never happened. And be content to squeeze just a little - hugs are more about confirming the other person is physically there and whole, and conferring comfort, than squeezing the daylights out of anybody.
I can't speak for kisses; they are kind of universally gross to me unless they're romantic. I have two aunts who cheek-kiss and it weirds me out. I wish that they would ask me if I wanted a hug, instead.
posted by Mizu at 4:24 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
-Cultural upbringing
-Current cultural environment
-Mood at the moment
-Gender presentation and associated cultural standards
-Height, weight, size of protuberances like shoulders and breasts as compared to yours
-How they feel about you
-The current environment's reaction to PDA
-If they are sweaty or hot or cold or smelly, or if you are any of these things
That's just off the top of my head.
However, I have been told by a few people over my life, with no prompting on my part, that I give good hugs. I also was emphatically not a hugger until late in high school (thank you drama club) and did a lot of thinking about how it was something I wanted to change about myself. So this is what I do:
First, I make sure they actually want a hug. If they have the arms-open hug-me posture then go for it; if they are swooping in also just go for it (and go with it). If I want to hug them, I ask verbally ("great to see you! hug?") and wait for verbal confirmation while holding a loose version of the arms-open posture. (Being loose prepares for if they respond to my question by hugging.)
Then I, being a short woman, will decide, depending on the other person's height, to go for both my arms below their arms, or diagonal. Diagonal is harder! But it gives a more equitable hug. You have to look at them to tell what they're intending.
I have large breasts and there is absolutely no getting around pressing them up against other people; I'm kinda over it at this point. Big whoop. Some people like them because it is vaguely maternal of me; I am okay with this! (Some people like them because hey, boobs, awesome. I am also okay with this.) So I have relatively little shame, and don't worry about keeping no-touchy space between myself and whoever I am hugging. I do NOT press my pelvis against anybody mid-hug unless it's quickly turning into a snog. This is no-sexy hugs only, here.
I do not back-pat or slap or pound or anything, this is the arena of men in my culture but also I think it is dumb. Sometimes I will grab a bit of shoulder or back and squeeze gently, a little.
Then pretty much it's attempting to read all of the factors I listed above. Is it hot out? Keep the hug short. Do I smell a little? Go for both-arms-under so as to minimize my underarm contact with the other person. Do they seem happy to touch me or is it an obligation? And so-on.
So, pay attention to other people's cues. Don't surprise-hug. Don't yell "hey!" and swoop in. Be methodical and sure with yourself, and if the other person shows discomfort, retract yourself quickly and pretend it never happened. And be content to squeeze just a little - hugs are more about confirming the other person is physically there and whole, and conferring comfort, than squeezing the daylights out of anybody.
I can't speak for kisses; they are kind of universally gross to me unless they're romantic. I have two aunts who cheek-kiss and it weirds me out. I wish that they would ask me if I wanted a hug, instead.
posted by Mizu at 4:24 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have found that awkwardness in hugging is minimized if I simply commit wholeheartedly to giving the other person a hug. This holds true (most of the time) even when the other person seems hesitant or reticent about hugging.
Now, this does not mean you swoop in without warning, or initiate a full-body-contact bear hug. You can signal your intention by holding your arms out at the approximate height you intend for the hug (and this does not have to be an exaggerated gesture). If it's a social setting appropriate for hugging, and I am greeting multiple people, everybody gets a hug. This eliminates trying to figure out who gets a hug and who does not, and that removes any chance of hesitation or awkwardness on my part.
The other thing is: once you signal where your arms and head are going, do not switch it up! (Now, if the other person's head suddenly takes on a trajectory for your nose, by all means dodge that! I am just saying things go smoother if you pick a path, signal it, and stick with it. A hard lesson learned from hundreds of thousands of high-fives exchanged while playing volleyball...)
posted by fikri at 4:46 AM on June 6, 2013
Now, this does not mean you swoop in without warning, or initiate a full-body-contact bear hug. You can signal your intention by holding your arms out at the approximate height you intend for the hug (and this does not have to be an exaggerated gesture). If it's a social setting appropriate for hugging, and I am greeting multiple people, everybody gets a hug. This eliminates trying to figure out who gets a hug and who does not, and that removes any chance of hesitation or awkwardness on my part.
The other thing is: once you signal where your arms and head are going, do not switch it up! (Now, if the other person's head suddenly takes on a trajectory for your nose, by all means dodge that! I am just saying things go smoother if you pick a path, signal it, and stick with it. A hard lesson learned from hundreds of thousands of high-fives exchanged while playing volleyball...)
posted by fikri at 4:46 AM on June 6, 2013
Best answer: I hate perfunctory hugs. I actually really dislike the kinds of hugs that taz describes, which don't feature chest-to-chest hugging. The worst are those hugs you get from women that come entirely from the wrists and hands. If you're going to hug, and the other person seems open to a hug, give a real hug--hug with your chest and shoulders and arms. Don't do those awkward, proper shoulder pats--squeeze. It doesn't have to be long or lingering. It has to be real.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:45 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:45 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
In my culture, cheek kissing actually translates to "briefly bring your cheeks together and make a kissimg sound in the air". No actual kissing necessary!
In fact, big cheek smacks are kinda gross.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:50 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
In fact, big cheek smacks are kinda gross.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:50 AM on June 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
My theory on great hugs:
1: Hug with intent (you gotta mean it!)
2: Ex-squeeze me - a bit of pressure shows you're a huggER and not just allowing yourself to be a hug-ee.
3: Friendly, non-romantic hugs to me means going in on the diagonal - one arm over the shoulder, the other around waist. It gives you face somewhere to go (over the side). As a shorty, I dislike hugs from huggers (mostly women) who bend down and sort of hook their arms under mine and (worse) pat me on the back a bit.
4: Romantic hugs: someone with arms over shoulders, the other with arms around waist. The squeeze rule still applies.
5: Whether it's a romantic or non-romantic hug, I feel that you should be trying for the sort of thing where your hands try to touch your elbows, in terms of how far around you reach. YMMV depending on size of hug-ee. You get those elbows out of the way that way.**
I love talking about hugs.
**You don't actually have to touch your elbows, that's just a reference point for how much hug space I'm offering. A pat on the back will suffice.
posted by mooza at 6:37 AM on June 6, 2013
1: Hug with intent (you gotta mean it!)
2: Ex-squeeze me - a bit of pressure shows you're a huggER and not just allowing yourself to be a hug-ee.
3: Friendly, non-romantic hugs to me means going in on the diagonal - one arm over the shoulder, the other around waist. It gives you face somewhere to go (over the side). As a shorty, I dislike hugs from huggers (mostly women) who bend down and sort of hook their arms under mine and (worse) pat me on the back a bit.
4: Romantic hugs: someone with arms over shoulders, the other with arms around waist. The squeeze rule still applies.
5: Whether it's a romantic or non-romantic hug, I feel that you should be trying for the sort of thing where your hands try to touch your elbows, in terms of how far around you reach. YMMV depending on size of hug-ee. You get those elbows out of the way that way.**
I love talking about hugs.
**You don't actually have to touch your elbows, that's just a reference point for how much hug space I'm offering. A pat on the back will suffice.
posted by mooza at 6:37 AM on June 6, 2013
I have a huge personal space bubble and I hate physical contact with anyone, but I think taz's advice is perfect if you enjoy hugging folks, even freaks like me.
Asking if they're okay with a hug first is even better, as long as you convey that it's fine to say no.
Also, if people linger too long on a hug, forever after I'll make sure there's a piece of furniture between us at greeting and farewell. Ugh!
posted by winna at 6:38 AM on June 6, 2013
Asking if they're okay with a hug first is even better, as long as you convey that it's fine to say no.
Also, if people linger too long on a hug, forever after I'll make sure there's a piece of furniture between us at greeting and farewell. Ugh!
posted by winna at 6:38 AM on June 6, 2013
I would actually disagree with the masses on this one. I think hugs are more awkward when they are too tentative. Although I understand the idea of respecting the hug recipient's space and comfort, the whole point of a hug is to connect physically to personify (literally) your emotional feelings. So, go in for it. Whether you're male or female, if you're the hug initiator, wrap your arms loosely around his/her neck and give them a tight squeeze. Let go, smile. Easy-peasy-friendly-squeezy.
posted by goblue_est1817 at 7:17 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by goblue_est1817 at 7:17 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
Key point: lean into the hug.
I do like chest-to-chest contact, but then, I'm talking about hugging family or friends (also thanking a dance partner who I know well); in my book, the "air-hug" that taz describes is primarily useful for cultures where you're hugging people who you're not particularly close to (or really sweaty dance partners who like you more than you like them)
Shoulder contact is good, and chest contact is incidental but fine, though no active boob-smushing (and if you're two (chesty) women hugging, you need to offest sideways just a bit so you're not nipple-to-nipple, it makes space). Full-body/hip contact is right out, and belly contact is, too, which means a bit of tilt so you're leading with your shoulders. Lean into the hug, just bend forward at the waist slightly. My least-favorite hugs are those in which the other person hugs me into themselves and doesn't lean towards me at all; especially annoying when the other person has a belly (beer-gut, general chub, pregnancy) and we get gut-to-gut contact, or if they are taller and it feels like they're almost lifting me up.
posted by aimedwander at 7:22 AM on June 6, 2013
I do like chest-to-chest contact, but then, I'm talking about hugging family or friends (also thanking a dance partner who I know well); in my book, the "air-hug" that taz describes is primarily useful for cultures where you're hugging people who you're not particularly close to (or really sweaty dance partners who like you more than you like them)
Shoulder contact is good, and chest contact is incidental but fine, though no active boob-smushing (and if you're two (chesty) women hugging, you need to offest sideways just a bit so you're not nipple-to-nipple, it makes space). Full-body/hip contact is right out, and belly contact is, too, which means a bit of tilt so you're leading with your shoulders. Lean into the hug, just bend forward at the waist slightly. My least-favorite hugs are those in which the other person hugs me into themselves and doesn't lean towards me at all; especially annoying when the other person has a belly (beer-gut, general chub, pregnancy) and we get gut-to-gut contact, or if they are taller and it feels like they're almost lifting me up.
posted by aimedwander at 7:22 AM on June 6, 2013
To initiate a hug, spread your arms wide, make eye contact with a big smile, and let them move in (or not).
posted by BrashTech at 8:18 AM on June 6, 2013
posted by BrashTech at 8:18 AM on June 6, 2013
This is very dependent on who I am hugging/kissing.
1. Family and BFFs: Full on tight hugs. Kissing (reserved for my Bear) is on the mouth.
2. Good friends: One arm over the shoulder and the other around the waist, as mooza says, and a warm but not long embrace. A quick touch of the cheek and simultaneous air kiss.
3. Very friendly acquaintances: Hug only, in #2 style.
And if you don't know the other person's style, ask before hugging. If you don't feel comfortable getting a hug, then depending on your reaction time, you can either smile widely and stick out your hand to switch the contact to a handshake, or turn your body sideways and gently touch the other person's back to receive the unwanted hug.
posted by bearwife at 9:06 AM on June 6, 2013
1. Family and BFFs: Full on tight hugs. Kissing (reserved for my Bear) is on the mouth.
2. Good friends: One arm over the shoulder and the other around the waist, as mooza says, and a warm but not long embrace. A quick touch of the cheek and simultaneous air kiss.
3. Very friendly acquaintances: Hug only, in #2 style.
And if you don't know the other person's style, ask before hugging. If you don't feel comfortable getting a hug, then depending on your reaction time, you can either smile widely and stick out your hand to switch the contact to a handshake, or turn your body sideways and gently touch the other person's back to receive the unwanted hug.
posted by bearwife at 9:06 AM on June 6, 2013
I agree that tentative, perfunctory hugs are the awkward ones for me. Good hugging behavior, in my book, is asking "are you a hugger?"* and, if the answer is yes, hugging like you mean it. And if no, well...no hug.
*This phrasing seems to allow for an honest, not too awkward "no, not really" more readily than "can I hug you?"
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:29 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
*This phrasing seems to allow for an honest, not too awkward "no, not really" more readily than "can I hug you?"
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:29 AM on June 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Here's what I do and what I prefer: no chest-to-chest touching (and needless to say groin area is right out); kiss on the cheek (or both cheeks if that's the thing), but really light, so it's just sort of a quick touch of part of the lips, like a light peck, except "peck" sounds weird and pointy.
I put my hand (or hands, on both sides, depending) lightly on the person's lower shoulder area (like somewhere between the elbow and shoulder), lean in but don't touch with torso, and brush a quick angled sort of kiss high on the side of their cheek (around cheekbone area?) with barely any actual lip contact, or none if I'm wearing smeary lipstick or lip balm -- just a cheek-to-cheek faux kiss.
I also try to keep myself relaxed so it doesn't seem strained or stiff, just quick, fluid, light. I won't always know for sure if the other person expects a kiss/hug, but I don't do it with people I've just met, or hardly know (or feel uncomfortable with), so in those cases, I quickly put out my hand for a shake. I also do that if I sense that the other person isn't sure what to do.
And that's my kissy-kissy strategy!
posted by taz at 12:38 AM on June 6, 2013 [2 favorites]