My best friend can't come to my wedding. Help me be a grown-up.
May 29, 2013 7:21 AM Subscribe
I am getting married really soon, and I have known for a while that my best friend will not be at the wedding (for a really good reason - not that she needs one of course - but that's not the issue). I thought I was totally okay with it - it's just a party! I know she loves me! - but all of a sudden it hit me really, really hard that she won't be there. I don't know how to make this feel better. This is a terrible snowflakey question, but I am really, really sad, and I need better ways to think about this.
I was looking at the guest list earlier today, trying to figure out tables, and her name wasn't there and I kind of lost it and got really upset. We have been friends for a really long time, and we've been there for all of the important stuff. I guess I realized that I can't imagine looking back on this event without her in it. It doesn't help that we skipped all the pre-wedding events - I am not a bridal shower kind of girl - so it feels like there will be this huge part of my life that she wasn't in, and there just haven't been huge parts of my life that she wasn't in before. (And then part of me thinks, how will we know we were best friends? how will our grandkids know? Which is an insane thing to think, but...obviously I am not handling this well.)
So...how do I get over this and be an adult? I feel so, so guilty for even thinking this way - my wedding is not the center of the universe, and I promise I know that. But I keep thinking I won't even be able to enjoy my wedding without having her there, and that can't be true, so help me make it not true.
I was looking at the guest list earlier today, trying to figure out tables, and her name wasn't there and I kind of lost it and got really upset. We have been friends for a really long time, and we've been there for all of the important stuff. I guess I realized that I can't imagine looking back on this event without her in it. It doesn't help that we skipped all the pre-wedding events - I am not a bridal shower kind of girl - so it feels like there will be this huge part of my life that she wasn't in, and there just haven't been huge parts of my life that she wasn't in before. (And then part of me thinks, how will we know we were best friends? how will our grandkids know? Which is an insane thing to think, but...obviously I am not handling this well.)
So...how do I get over this and be an adult? I feel so, so guilty for even thinking this way - my wedding is not the center of the universe, and I promise I know that. But I keep thinking I won't even be able to enjoy my wedding without having her there, and that can't be true, so help me make it not true.
You don't need to feel guilty for being sad that your best friend is missing your wedding. Even though it's for a good reason, and that you're not mad at her -- you're allowed to be disappointed. She's probably sad she's missing it too.
She'll still be in your life after the wedding, and still an important part of it.
Otherwise, I agree with canine epigram: you should find some way of acknowledging the friendship.
posted by jeather at 7:29 AM on May 29, 2013
She'll still be in your life after the wedding, and still an important part of it.
Otherwise, I agree with canine epigram: you should find some way of acknowledging the friendship.
posted by jeather at 7:29 AM on May 29, 2013
so it feels like there will be this huge part of my life that she wasn't in
I'd look at it this way: The wedding only means what you let it mean. It symbolizes your union with your husband, but your best friend will be with you for the rest of your life to celebrate that.
posted by benbenson at 7:30 AM on May 29, 2013
I'd look at it this way: The wedding only means what you let it mean. It symbolizes your union with your husband, but your best friend will be with you for the rest of your life to celebrate that.
posted by benbenson at 7:30 AM on May 29, 2013
I can completely relate to this post, but in my situation, I was the friend that couldn't make the wedding. Honestly, I probably didn't have as good of a reason as your friend for not attending. The bride-to-be stopped communicating with me and when she finally called (to wish me a happy engagement) she told me how "dissapointed" she was in me and that I wasn't going to be there. It made me feel terrible, and no matter how much I said, "I'm sorry" she continued to just say, "I'm dissapointed in you." The words she said were short and to the point, but they were meant to hurt me back. And they did. Our friendship has never been the same. In fact, I wouldn't even say we are friends anymore. All of that to say, please, please be nice to friend who cannot attend your wedding if you want to keep the friendship. She already knows how hurt you are without you telling her. Suggest getting together for a girl's day or weekend after the wedding and going through all the pictures together so you can relive the moment together.
posted by Shaitan at 7:30 AM on May 29, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by Shaitan at 7:30 AM on May 29, 2013 [10 favorites]
What if you saw her inability to be at your wedding as a "big thing?" Then you'd be able to look back on this time, together, with grand-kids... as something that you got through together, the way married couples take whatever comes. "The only cure for love is to love more." So...love more! They say it's all about choosing to love so choose love!
posted by R2WeTwo at 7:32 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by R2WeTwo at 7:32 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
My brother was stationed in Iraq during my wedding. And my grandmother suddenly slid so far into dementia that she couldn't come, either. Both of these things bothered me, but it helped to tell myself, "a wedding is just one party out of many parties in a lifetime". It's not the only special or big meaningful event that happens, so it's okay if not everyone ever can make it.
There are ways to include your friend, even if she isn't there. My brother gave my husband a pin to stick to me on our wedding day, and we incorporated it into the ceremony. My bouquet was made up of one of my grandmother's favorite flowers. My husband's grandmother was deceased, so he put her favorite flower on the altar thingy to represent her. My grandfather was long deceased, so we decided my wedding ring should be a ring he had left me.
All of that really helped salve the stinging feelings of absence and loss. Maybe something like that would work for you.
posted by Coatlicue at 7:33 AM on May 29, 2013 [6 favorites]
There are ways to include your friend, even if she isn't there. My brother gave my husband a pin to stick to me on our wedding day, and we incorporated it into the ceremony. My bouquet was made up of one of my grandmother's favorite flowers. My husband's grandmother was deceased, so he put her favorite flower on the altar thingy to represent her. My grandfather was long deceased, so we decided my wedding ring should be a ring he had left me.
All of that really helped salve the stinging feelings of absence and loss. Maybe something like that would work for you.
posted by Coatlicue at 7:33 AM on May 29, 2013 [6 favorites]
canine epigram read my mind. See if your photographer can take some stills of the two of you together on a mutually agreeable date. And make a day of it--do something together you both really enjoy doing, or have always wanted to do. Hot air balloon ride. Clay pigeon shooting. Karaoke contest.
posted by duffell at 7:33 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by duffell at 7:33 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you're handling it pretty well, actually -- you're sad she's not going to be there with you, you're not mad at *her* (this one is super important), you maybe get a little emotional when it hits you. Those are all perfectly acceptable adult behaviours.
I agree with others that finding a way to involve her might help. Not knowing why she's not going to be there, it's tough to know what to suggest, but if it's a distance/travel thing, perhaps you could arrange to video conference her in for a toast or broadcast the wedding over the internet so she can watch. If it's a scheduling thing where she has to be somewhere else on the day, maybe she could videotape something in advance?
posted by jacquilynne at 7:33 AM on May 29, 2013
I agree with others that finding a way to involve her might help. Not knowing why she's not going to be there, it's tough to know what to suggest, but if it's a distance/travel thing, perhaps you could arrange to video conference her in for a toast or broadcast the wedding over the internet so she can watch. If it's a scheduling thing where she has to be somewhere else on the day, maybe she could videotape something in advance?
posted by jacquilynne at 7:33 AM on May 29, 2013
Awwww. I don't know if this would make you feel better, but this is literally the one question a prospective bride has ever asked on the internet that made my heart go all warm and melty the way that I imagine normal human beings always feel when the subject of weddings comes up.
You don't have to feel guilty at all. You want your friend to be a part of an event that is meaningful to you, not because of any stupid ego-driven reasons but because you really, really love her! That is literally the most grown up emotion I can imagine.
I don't think you have to 'get over' this at all. It's almost like one of your parents had died, and they couldn't be there - the wedding wouldn't be ruined, but there would be a kind of poignancy to it, because your wedding is a chance for you to take the time think of all the people you love, not just your future husband. When they say weddings are about families, this is what they mean.
I think you should say something to your friend. Not "You're ruining my wedding because you can't be there," but "I was doing my wedding planning and I got so tearful because I realized you are one of the most important people in my life, and I love you so much, and even if you're not there physically you'll be there in spirit" (or something 10x less cheesy.) And then figure out some way to make her present on that day, whether it's by having her write a speech that someone else can read, or taking 10 minutes out of your crazy day to sit alone in a room and talk to her on the phone. Or reserve a seat at the table and put a laptop on it where she can sit on Skype in her pajamas. Or anything.
Stop feeling guilty. You love her. That's wonderful. Run with it.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:36 AM on May 29, 2013 [17 favorites]
You don't have to feel guilty at all. You want your friend to be a part of an event that is meaningful to you, not because of any stupid ego-driven reasons but because you really, really love her! That is literally the most grown up emotion I can imagine.
I don't think you have to 'get over' this at all. It's almost like one of your parents had died, and they couldn't be there - the wedding wouldn't be ruined, but there would be a kind of poignancy to it, because your wedding is a chance for you to take the time think of all the people you love, not just your future husband. When they say weddings are about families, this is what they mean.
I think you should say something to your friend. Not "You're ruining my wedding because you can't be there," but "I was doing my wedding planning and I got so tearful because I realized you are one of the most important people in my life, and I love you so much, and even if you're not there physically you'll be there in spirit" (or something 10x less cheesy.) And then figure out some way to make her present on that day, whether it's by having her write a speech that someone else can read, or taking 10 minutes out of your crazy day to sit alone in a room and talk to her on the phone. Or reserve a seat at the table and put a laptop on it where she can sit on Skype in her pajamas. Or anything.
Stop feeling guilty. You love her. That's wonderful. Run with it.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:36 AM on May 29, 2013 [17 favorites]
I am not saying this to minimize it but many people lose a loved one (like a parents, etc) just before a wedding and don't have someone to walk them down the aisle, etc.
You have a GREAT opportunity to relive your wedding once with someone that really cares and someone you will really want to share it with. Make a time to be together (and maybe mutual friends that were there) to look at all the pictures, video and talk about it.
Also, something I did at my wedding was bring my laptop and guests immediately uploaded the photos fro the wedding. You can have someone facebooking the photos and (if BF is avail) she can sharing and responding right away.
posted by beccaj at 7:40 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
You have a GREAT opportunity to relive your wedding once with someone that really cares and someone you will really want to share it with. Make a time to be together (and maybe mutual friends that were there) to look at all the pictures, video and talk about it.
Also, something I did at my wedding was bring my laptop and guests immediately uploaded the photos fro the wedding. You can have someone facebooking the photos and (if BF is avail) she can sharing and responding right away.
posted by beccaj at 7:40 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Can she be there "on the internet"? A friend of ours married in Las Vegas and a bunch of the gang gathered at my house to watch the wedding projected on the wall from a laptop. It wasn't the same as being there, but it did allow us all to at least see it.
posted by immlass at 7:45 AM on May 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by immlass at 7:45 AM on May 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
Also, something I did at my wedding was bring my laptop and guests immediately uploaded the photos fro the wedding. You can have someone facebooking the photos and (if BF is avail) she can sharing and responding right away.
Seconding the technical-connection thing. I was the best friend who had to miss something (my best friend's baby shower, in my case); it was going on at exactly the same time as the second-ever performance of a show I was stage managing, so I really couldn't get out of it. Instead of being there, I worked with the planners to find a good time I could call (intermission was about a half hour after things started), and called from backstage to talk with her for a few minutes, and we set up a time we could talk that same evening. (Turns out it was a surprise shower, and she was NOT in a baby-shower mood that day, so she actually appreciated the chance to vent!)
I still felt like total crap for missing it, and actually spent the first ten minutes of act 2 in tears; so you may also want to remind yourself that she is just as broken up about this as you are. The both of you uniting in that same kind of "man, it sucks that we are so unlucky that we can't both be in the same place at this precise moment" can help you both through this.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:47 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Seconding the technical-connection thing. I was the best friend who had to miss something (my best friend's baby shower, in my case); it was going on at exactly the same time as the second-ever performance of a show I was stage managing, so I really couldn't get out of it. Instead of being there, I worked with the planners to find a good time I could call (intermission was about a half hour after things started), and called from backstage to talk with her for a few minutes, and we set up a time we could talk that same evening. (Turns out it was a surprise shower, and she was NOT in a baby-shower mood that day, so she actually appreciated the chance to vent!)
I still felt like total crap for missing it, and actually spent the first ten minutes of act 2 in tears; so you may also want to remind yourself that she is just as broken up about this as you are. The both of you uniting in that same kind of "man, it sucks that we are so unlucky that we can't both be in the same place at this precise moment" can help you both through this.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:47 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Have a picture taken of you and your new spouse acting mock-sad and holding up a placard that says "Wish You Were Here ♥ BFF!!!"
posted by headnsouth at 7:48 AM on May 29, 2013
posted by headnsouth at 7:48 AM on May 29, 2013
Speaking as someone getting married in 3 months, I can only imagine how hard that would be. You are absolutely allowed to be upset over this. Not having your best friend there would be difficult.
I actually think the live-broadcast type thing would be lovely. Can someone to a Skype Video chat and hold it up while the ceremony is going on so that she can see and maybe you can see her face on the screen? And have people upload wedding photos to instagram/facebook/whatever so that she can see.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:51 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I actually think the live-broadcast type thing would be lovely. Can someone to a Skype Video chat and hold it up while the ceremony is going on so that she can see and maybe you can see her face on the screen? And have people upload wedding photos to instagram/facebook/whatever so that she can see.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:51 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Print out a few high-res photo prints of her face (make sure it's a photo she likes!), mount them on foam board, cut them out, and affix them to popsicle sticks. Have someone hold her face up in the group shots so she can be present without actually being there.
I've seen this done before, and it's actually pretty cute and funny. Shows that you miss her and love her and that she's an important part of your life.
posted by phunniemee at 7:52 AM on May 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
I've seen this done before, and it's actually pretty cute and funny. Shows that you miss her and love her and that she's an important part of your life.
posted by phunniemee at 7:52 AM on May 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
My best friend didn't come to my wedding because she had a crippling fear of flying at the time. She still tells me how much she regrets not being there. Husbunny and I visited with her and her family on our honeymoon. And it was lovely.
Frankly, on your wedding day, you don't have time to really be with all the people who have come from near and far. It's a big blur frankly. When I went to her wedding, I traveled all the way across country (and my flight was cancelled due to wind shear in Dallas and I took the most circuitous route imaginable.) She brought me a Jack in the Box Fajita Pita one night and spent about 30 minutes. I went with her to the manicurist the following day. And although my father performed her wedding ceremony, I only caught a glimpse of her on her wedding day. We had, maybe, 3 hours together total.
Sure, it's not optimal, but really, it's not that big a deal. After all that planning, etc, our wedding, while great, was just a small part of our married life and a really small part of our life in total.
Your best friend has been there for all kinds of important events in the past, she'll be there for you in the future. Intellectually you know it's just a party, she's been there for you and your husband to be in other ways at other times.
Really, don't let this mess with your head.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:52 AM on May 29, 2013
Frankly, on your wedding day, you don't have time to really be with all the people who have come from near and far. It's a big blur frankly. When I went to her wedding, I traveled all the way across country (and my flight was cancelled due to wind shear in Dallas and I took the most circuitous route imaginable.) She brought me a Jack in the Box Fajita Pita one night and spent about 30 minutes. I went with her to the manicurist the following day. And although my father performed her wedding ceremony, I only caught a glimpse of her on her wedding day. We had, maybe, 3 hours together total.
Sure, it's not optimal, but really, it's not that big a deal. After all that planning, etc, our wedding, while great, was just a small part of our married life and a really small part of our life in total.
Your best friend has been there for all kinds of important events in the past, she'll be there for you in the future. Intellectually you know it's just a party, she's been there for you and your husband to be in other ways at other times.
Really, don't let this mess with your head.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:52 AM on May 29, 2013
Is it possible for the two of you to get together before the wedding? If so, here's my recommendation: get together and do something crafty--make jewelry, or decorate hip flasks, or, make "something blue," or I don't know, whatever you like. You make something for her and she makes something for you. Have someone take cool photos of the two of you with your crafty things. Then, on the day of your wedding, you wear/use/carry the thing she made for you, and she (from afar) wears/uses/carries the thing you made for her. Take a couple wedding photos that prominently feature the object. Document the connection even if you can't be together in person.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:53 AM on May 29, 2013
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:53 AM on May 29, 2013
I recently had the opposite experience. I used an elucidation exercise to help sort out my emotions.
1. I'm not going to make it to an important wedding
2. I feel terribly about that
3. If it was possible to make it, I would but it's not in the cards
4. I have to accept that it is not in the cards
5. That doesn't erase how I feel about missing it, I'm disappointed.
6. I'm disappointed because I care deeply about these people and this is their first step as a new couple
7. In disappointed because I care.
8. This is the first step of their lives together, not their last.
9. If I can't make it to the wedding, then I have to find another time to connect with them and build our bond.
10. This isn't a statement on how much I care for them, as much as it is a reality of our lives in different places.
11. Part of my disappointment is that we're far away and time is moving forward and I miss them.
12. I guess I've missed a lot of significant events in their lives.
13. This isn't a statement on our relationship as much as its a reminder that distance can be really challenging.
14. In the future, I can make a better effort to ensure I connect with them more often.
15. Whilst I can't do anything about this occasion, I know I'm disappointed and will think about how we can spend more time together in the future.
posted by nickrussell at 8:00 AM on May 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
1. I'm not going to make it to an important wedding
2. I feel terribly about that
3. If it was possible to make it, I would but it's not in the cards
4. I have to accept that it is not in the cards
5. That doesn't erase how I feel about missing it, I'm disappointed.
6. I'm disappointed because I care deeply about these people and this is their first step as a new couple
7. In disappointed because I care.
8. This is the first step of their lives together, not their last.
9. If I can't make it to the wedding, then I have to find another time to connect with them and build our bond.
10. This isn't a statement on how much I care for them, as much as it is a reality of our lives in different places.
11. Part of my disappointment is that we're far away and time is moving forward and I miss them.
12. I guess I've missed a lot of significant events in their lives.
13. This isn't a statement on our relationship as much as its a reminder that distance can be really challenging.
14. In the future, I can make a better effort to ensure I connect with them more often.
15. Whilst I can't do anything about this occasion, I know I'm disappointed and will think about how we can spend more time together in the future.
posted by nickrussell at 8:00 AM on May 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
If she's really that important to your life, then you should include her in your wedding in some way, that she agrees with.
For example, at one wedding I went to this year, the groom's long-time best friend and intended best man tragically died two years before the wedding (his death extended the engagement period, he was that important to them both.) I'm not saying that your BFF is like a dead person of course, but at this wedding at the rehearsal dinner they had a photo montage of the bride and groom growing up, childhood and college pictures and such, and they included their lost friend and even had a moment of silence for him in the beginning and dedicated the slideshow in his memory. It was really nice! All I'm saying is, it would have felt wrong for these people to ignore the importance of this person to them on their wedding, even though he couldn't be there. So you can absolutely fit your friend into your wedding in a long-distance way that feels right to you, and your distress is justified.
Some ideas, depending on the temperament of your friend:
-Have a life-size cardboard cutout of her in fancy wedding clothes made, and have people pose with "her" at the party. I know this sounds super cheesy but I've seen it done and it was a total hit. People love those things. Have fun posing "her" with props, make a little photo story to laugh about later.
-Find/make a lovely signature book. She can write a note to you on the first page, wishing you well, and then all your guests can leave their own notes for you in subsequent pages. Set it up with a little photo of your friend and a note, inviting everybody to participate.
-If she's crafty, could she make something for you to wear on the day? If not, there's always your "something borrowed". It could be something as unobtrusive as a sparkly bobby pin, but you would know it was there, and you could be sure to get a photo of it.
posted by Mizu at 8:05 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
For example, at one wedding I went to this year, the groom's long-time best friend and intended best man tragically died two years before the wedding (his death extended the engagement period, he was that important to them both.) I'm not saying that your BFF is like a dead person of course, but at this wedding at the rehearsal dinner they had a photo montage of the bride and groom growing up, childhood and college pictures and such, and they included their lost friend and even had a moment of silence for him in the beginning and dedicated the slideshow in his memory. It was really nice! All I'm saying is, it would have felt wrong for these people to ignore the importance of this person to them on their wedding, even though he couldn't be there. So you can absolutely fit your friend into your wedding in a long-distance way that feels right to you, and your distress is justified.
Some ideas, depending on the temperament of your friend:
-Have a life-size cardboard cutout of her in fancy wedding clothes made, and have people pose with "her" at the party. I know this sounds super cheesy but I've seen it done and it was a total hit. People love those things. Have fun posing "her" with props, make a little photo story to laugh about later.
-Find/make a lovely signature book. She can write a note to you on the first page, wishing you well, and then all your guests can leave their own notes for you in subsequent pages. Set it up with a little photo of your friend and a note, inviting everybody to participate.
-If she's crafty, could she make something for you to wear on the day? If not, there's always your "something borrowed". It could be something as unobtrusive as a sparkly bobby pin, but you would know it was there, and you could be sure to get a photo of it.
posted by Mizu at 8:05 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Only a suggestion: I don't know where your friend will be on your wedding day, but if she is connected to the internet, and someone on your side is tech savvy, perhaps you could video Skype your wedding ceremony?
I have a friend who married an Argentinian in Toronto. They set up a Skype video of their wedding to broadcast it to the groom's parents in Argentina. It worked out great, and the newlyweds got to talk with the groom's parents after the ceremony. They were sitting there, all smiles with a bottle of wine. It was cute.
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 8:07 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have a friend who married an Argentinian in Toronto. They set up a Skype video of their wedding to broadcast it to the groom's parents in Argentina. It worked out great, and the newlyweds got to talk with the groom's parents after the ceremony. They were sitting there, all smiles with a bottle of wine. It was cute.
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 8:07 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
First, let yourself be sad. That's okay.
If your friend has access to a phone, maybe schedule a phone call with her the night before your wedding or the morning of? That would probably be far more intimate and more time spent "with" her than anyone else on your ACTUAL wedding day, including the groom.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:20 AM on May 29, 2013
If your friend has access to a phone, maybe schedule a phone call with her the night before your wedding or the morning of? That would probably be far more intimate and more time spent "with" her than anyone else on your ACTUAL wedding day, including the groom.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:20 AM on May 29, 2013
Can you maybe FaceTime with her for a minute at some point during the day or something? I imagine if I couldn't make it to my best friend's wedding I would love to be able to see her in her dress and congratulate her on her wedding day.
posted by Asparagus at 8:25 AM on May 29, 2013
posted by Asparagus at 8:25 AM on May 29, 2013
If it makes you feel better, my best friend was unable to come to my wedding as well (because: cancer.) Looking back, the day went in such a whirlwind that while I was aware of her absence, I didn't miss her at the time. These days, I'm bummed she missed a great party but I don't have lingering sadness.
Weddings are like pregnancy in that it's a really emotional time focused on a major event, and it may help to know that a lot of what you may be feeling intensely right now - regret about your friend, anxiety about your shoes, stress about the catering numbers - pretty much magically, instantly evaporates as soon as you put on the dress and it's all more or less a done deal.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:31 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Weddings are like pregnancy in that it's a really emotional time focused on a major event, and it may help to know that a lot of what you may be feeling intensely right now - regret about your friend, anxiety about your shoes, stress about the catering numbers - pretty much magically, instantly evaporates as soon as you put on the dress and it's all more or less a done deal.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:31 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
There are only two people who are required at any wedding: the participants themselves. Anyone else is a bonus, and as you yourself say, BF has a really good reason not to be there. And as Ruthless Bunny said, you won't have time on your wedding day to spend much time with any particular person, you'll too be busy.
Spending time before or afterwards would be nice; I wouldn't bother about things like setting up an internet connection or Skypeing the wedding, because then you'll be concentrating more on that than your wedding. (And I'm sorry, Mizu, but having people pose with a cardboard cutout of BF sounds *beyond* cheesy and straight into tacky.)
If you find you can't let this go, just have BF contribute to one of the bridal traditions, like getting your "something borrowed" or "something blue" from BF. Or BF could provide your garter, or a coin for the goodluck tradition of a sixpence (or more commonly nowadays, a dime) to be tucked into the toe of the bride's shoe.
posted by easily confused at 8:38 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Spending time before or afterwards would be nice; I wouldn't bother about things like setting up an internet connection or Skypeing the wedding, because then you'll be concentrating more on that than your wedding. (And I'm sorry, Mizu, but having people pose with a cardboard cutout of BF sounds *beyond* cheesy and straight into tacky.)
If you find you can't let this go, just have BF contribute to one of the bridal traditions, like getting your "something borrowed" or "something blue" from BF. Or BF could provide your garter, or a coin for the goodluck tradition of a sixpence (or more commonly nowadays, a dime) to be tucked into the toe of the bride's shoe.
posted by easily confused at 8:38 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
My friend's brother couldn't make it to his wedding because he was halfway across the world and visa issues.
He would have chosen his brother as a best man, and it was a huge deal because none of the rest of the family attended since they did not approve of the marriage. What happened was his brother still gave a best man speech which we did at the traditional time, even though he was not there (someone else read the speech). I had never met his brother before but it was a great speech, and I think it really meant a lot to my friend. So my recommendation is, if you would have wanted her as your maid of honor, have her be your remote maid of honor. Have her do your bridal shower and bachelorette as your maid of honor (assuming she might be able to attend those events?). And then on the wedding day have a video recording set up where she can give a speech and you can roll video - or even better put her on live video Skype on the big screen, if possible, so that she can give the speech 'in person'.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:44 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
He would have chosen his brother as a best man, and it was a huge deal because none of the rest of the family attended since they did not approve of the marriage. What happened was his brother still gave a best man speech which we did at the traditional time, even though he was not there (someone else read the speech). I had never met his brother before but it was a great speech, and I think it really meant a lot to my friend. So my recommendation is, if you would have wanted her as your maid of honor, have her be your remote maid of honor. Have her do your bridal shower and bachelorette as your maid of honor (assuming she might be able to attend those events?). And then on the wedding day have a video recording set up where she can give a speech and you can roll video - or even better put her on live video Skype on the big screen, if possible, so that she can give the speech 'in person'.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:44 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Similar to some of the responses above, I recently attended a wedding where the maid of honor couldn't be there due to going into labor. She was okay to Skype in, though, and so she led a toast during the reception. It was cute. :)
posted by bizzyb at 8:45 AM on May 29, 2013
posted by bizzyb at 8:45 AM on May 29, 2013
And for what it's worth, life goes on. I got married in my late 20s and thought that my maid of honor/best friend and my other best friends in my bridal party were my best-friends-for-life. Over 5 years later, things have played out in a way I never would have predicted: my maid of honor and I are hardly friends anymore, I have only seen one of the other bridesmaids once since the wedding, and I have other friends I have made since who are wonderful people who I am closer to now than those women. I still love all the friends who were in my bridal party, and I'm not saying you're going to fall out of touch with your friend, but things happen, people change, and with the wisdom of hindsight I would say that stressing about one person being there or not is probably not worth it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:49 AM on May 29, 2013
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:49 AM on May 29, 2013
It sounds like you want her to experience your joy on the day and you want to share that bond for your lifetime. So exercise that feeling.
0) Have a photo binder embroidered with the BFF's name... and write some message on the inside. Pre-address and postage a next-day FedEx box.
1) Pick a friend (who has a nice DLSR camera) in charge of taking candid pictures during the whole event -- of you and your man. Not the crowd... just of happiness and love and tears. First dances and toasts.
2) Have this friend pick out the photos and *that* night go print them out at CVS/Walgreens/Walmart... whatever.
3) Put them in that photo binder in the box and take to the FedEx place that day/night.
4) The next morning your BFF will be so surprised and happy and feel like she was there.
Win-win.
posted by LeanGreen at 8:52 AM on May 29, 2013
0) Have a photo binder embroidered with the BFF's name... and write some message on the inside. Pre-address and postage a next-day FedEx box.
1) Pick a friend (who has a nice DLSR camera) in charge of taking candid pictures during the whole event -- of you and your man. Not the crowd... just of happiness and love and tears. First dances and toasts.
2) Have this friend pick out the photos and *that* night go print them out at CVS/Walgreens/Walmart... whatever.
3) Put them in that photo binder in the box and take to the FedEx place that day/night.
4) The next morning your BFF will be so surprised and happy and feel like she was there.
Win-win.
posted by LeanGreen at 8:52 AM on May 29, 2013
I'll nth Skype. Last year I was at a wedding where the bride's father couldn't travel due to health issues, but thanks to Skype, he was still able to give the bride away and watch the wedding and reception. He even gave a toast! Judging by the comments in this thread, this kind of internet-based participation is very common. She could be involved other ways, too--maybe she can pick a song that reminds her of your friendship to play at the reception, or she can give a reading by Skype or video, or you can include a special message from her in the program.
As far as the bridal shower thing goes--ultimately, you have to decide what that means to you. I mean, you wouldn't have had a shower just so she could attend, right? Would you have held a shower if you'd known she couldn't attend the wedding? FWIW, I didn't have a shower or a bachelorette party. And while I would have liked to have had those things, they would have felt false in terms of what I wanted and who I would have invited. These traditions are, I think, only important insofar as the people we surround ourselves with are important. Maybe there's a way you and your friend can celebrate together next time you see each other--you can go through wedding pictures together, or she can help you preserve your flowers, or hell, take off your wedding ring and schedule a cake tasting for the two of you (with you as the bride-to-be and her as the maid of honor, of course), or whatever would be meaningful to the two of you.
posted by serialcomma at 8:59 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
As far as the bridal shower thing goes--ultimately, you have to decide what that means to you. I mean, you wouldn't have had a shower just so she could attend, right? Would you have held a shower if you'd known she couldn't attend the wedding? FWIW, I didn't have a shower or a bachelorette party. And while I would have liked to have had those things, they would have felt false in terms of what I wanted and who I would have invited. These traditions are, I think, only important insofar as the people we surround ourselves with are important. Maybe there's a way you and your friend can celebrate together next time you see each other--you can go through wedding pictures together, or she can help you preserve your flowers, or hell, take off your wedding ring and schedule a cake tasting for the two of you (with you as the bride-to-be and her as the maid of honor, of course), or whatever would be meaningful to the two of you.
posted by serialcomma at 8:59 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
I had this experience as the friend who couldn't be there.
We spent time together a week before the wedding, we called the day of and I made a video for the friends which was a huge hit.
Honestly, I probably got more of their attention than any of the 200 people at their wedding, because you know, it was their wedding.
posted by bobdow at 9:03 AM on May 29, 2013
We spent time together a week before the wedding, we called the day of and I made a video for the friends which was a huge hit.
Honestly, I probably got more of their attention than any of the 200 people at their wedding, because you know, it was their wedding.
posted by bobdow at 9:03 AM on May 29, 2013
N'thing Skype, depending on her reason for not attending. One of my brothers got married last fall, and my other brother was teaching English in Japan at the time. We skyped him in and he was all in a suit, with a glass of wine and gave a little speech. It was around 8 am his time, so he had to leave for work halfway through the reception, but it was awesome.
posted by celtalitha at 9:16 AM on May 29, 2013
posted by celtalitha at 9:16 AM on May 29, 2013
My daughter had her wedding over the past weekend and, as it turned out, a couple of her best friends couldn't attend. It's disappointing, to be sure. But...they're her friends, and will continue to be friends. Yes, it's perfect if everyone important to you is at your wedding, but fate doesn't always work that way, and we simply have to accept it.
Post pictures of your wedding and send them the link with a "We really missed you. Let's get together soon." message. If you are truly friends, this will not hurt your relationship.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:56 AM on May 29, 2013
Post pictures of your wedding and send them the link with a "We really missed you. Let's get together soon." message. If you are truly friends, this will not hurt your relationship.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:56 AM on May 29, 2013
This is really silly, but since it occurred about a decade ago, I can sincerely state that it is still remarked upon and remembered fondly.
A friend of mine was living abroad for a year when other friends were getting married. He felt awful about not being able to attend, and we were all very sad about his absence. A third friend printed out life sized photos of his head, and put them on sticks and brought them to the ceremony and reception. So he still got to "be" in all the college alum photos, and candids throughout the evening. We emailed the photos to him right away, which made him feel better, and the bride and groom still have our group shot including his cardboard stand-in on their wall to this day.
posted by pixiecrinkle at 10:11 AM on May 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
A friend of mine was living abroad for a year when other friends were getting married. He felt awful about not being able to attend, and we were all very sad about his absence. A third friend printed out life sized photos of his head, and put them on sticks and brought them to the ceremony and reception. So he still got to "be" in all the college alum photos, and candids throughout the evening. We emailed the photos to him right away, which made him feel better, and the bride and groom still have our group shot including his cardboard stand-in on their wall to this day.
posted by pixiecrinkle at 10:11 AM on May 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't see anything wrong with how you're thinking about this. Why wouldn't you be sad that someone important to you isn't going to be at an important event? Of course your wedding is a huge part of your life now and of course you want the folks you love most to be there.
You sound like a sane bride, so I'm guessing that in 1 year, 5 years...whatever, you'll remember your wedding as a great day and awesome party, but it's day-to-day centrality and big dealness will fade. So will the sadness. A wedding does not make a marriage or a friendship. Besides, big events are often a jumble of emotions. Weddings can be laced with sadness, wakes/memorials can be fun. Making room for lots of different feelings are part of what makes these events special. You can be sad and enjoy your wedding simultaneously.
Important events can't and shouldn't contain the quality and depths of a relationship. They usher you into and out of phases in your life, but they don't represent your life. When you are 90 you will look back on your friendship and her presence over many years. Grandkids will know of your friendship because you can't love someone for a long time without them becoming a part of you, and you them. I'll take this over pictures any day.
I like the Skype idea. Perhaps you could give a short speech about her and what she means to you, send her a video of it or put it in a letter. If you can pull off a brief, non-cheesy slide show, maybe throw up a few picture and tell funny stories of you two together. Perhaps you could tell her you're doing this and ask if she's up to taping her own toast much as one would do as a maid of honor or best man. You could also take 10-15 minutes by yourself at the wedding to just cry (waterproof make-up is always a good idea at weddings) or call her. However you work this, she can be there without being there. Congratulations!
posted by space_cookie at 10:25 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
You sound like a sane bride, so I'm guessing that in 1 year, 5 years...whatever, you'll remember your wedding as a great day and awesome party, but it's day-to-day centrality and big dealness will fade. So will the sadness. A wedding does not make a marriage or a friendship. Besides, big events are often a jumble of emotions. Weddings can be laced with sadness, wakes/memorials can be fun. Making room for lots of different feelings are part of what makes these events special. You can be sad and enjoy your wedding simultaneously.
Important events can't and shouldn't contain the quality and depths of a relationship. They usher you into and out of phases in your life, but they don't represent your life. When you are 90 you will look back on your friendship and her presence over many years. Grandkids will know of your friendship because you can't love someone for a long time without them becoming a part of you, and you them. I'll take this over pictures any day.
I like the Skype idea. Perhaps you could give a short speech about her and what she means to you, send her a video of it or put it in a letter. If you can pull off a brief, non-cheesy slide show, maybe throw up a few picture and tell funny stories of you two together. Perhaps you could tell her you're doing this and ask if she's up to taping her own toast much as one would do as a maid of honor or best man. You could also take 10-15 minutes by yourself at the wedding to just cry (waterproof make-up is always a good idea at weddings) or call her. However you work this, she can be there without being there. Congratulations!
posted by space_cookie at 10:25 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I need better ways to think about this
Look, marriage is a big life change and weddings are stressful and you are probably pretty much constantly overflowing with feeEEelings right now. I had to avoid watching anything but big dumb SBU movies for like two months beforehand, for the sake of my sanity. Do not mistake generalized emotional hypersensitivity for "my friend is going to completely ruin my wedding by not being there."
This is entirely your choice to make. Turn your attention to gratitude - for the people who are coming, for the people who can't come but love you because love is way more than going to your party.
Fact of the matter is, you're going to get about 40 distracted seconds with each of your guests, except for the ones you never even get a chance to talk to all night. Even your bridal party, if you have one, are going to be on the clock most of the night dealing with admin.
There's only one person whose absence should actually prevent you from enjoying your wedding. Anything else - any other minor disaster or disappointment - can get a sort of do-over later. Save some cake to share with your friend (no, that's gross - when you get to see her next, get cupcake versions of your wedding cake), or have her send you an old/new/borrowed/blue, or send her a bouquet of your flowers on the day. Include her in some way, for both of you, and know that you don't stop making memories the day you get married.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:29 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Look, marriage is a big life change and weddings are stressful and you are probably pretty much constantly overflowing with feeEEelings right now. I had to avoid watching anything but big dumb SBU movies for like two months beforehand, for the sake of my sanity. Do not mistake generalized emotional hypersensitivity for "my friend is going to completely ruin my wedding by not being there."
This is entirely your choice to make. Turn your attention to gratitude - for the people who are coming, for the people who can't come but love you because love is way more than going to your party.
Fact of the matter is, you're going to get about 40 distracted seconds with each of your guests, except for the ones you never even get a chance to talk to all night. Even your bridal party, if you have one, are going to be on the clock most of the night dealing with admin.
There's only one person whose absence should actually prevent you from enjoying your wedding. Anything else - any other minor disaster or disappointment - can get a sort of do-over later. Save some cake to share with your friend (no, that's gross - when you get to see her next, get cupcake versions of your wedding cake), or have her send you an old/new/borrowed/blue, or send her a bouquet of your flowers on the day. Include her in some way, for both of you, and know that you don't stop making memories the day you get married.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:29 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
My husband's best man couldn't make it to the wedding as he got a new job and was scheduled to work on that day and, as he was new, the higher-ups wouldn't let him take the day off, even when he explained that he was supposed to be the best man in a wedding.
It sucked, but we got my husband's brother to step in as emergency backup best man, we made sure to get together and hang out with the friend later, and we've officially put him in charge of a post-wedding bachelor/hen party so he's still a part of the (currently delayed) festivities.
Backstory: we didn't get around to having parties before the wedding, and our real-life friends are pretty much mutual so we might as well have one party. We just need to pick a date for it!
posted by telophase at 11:48 AM on May 29, 2013
It sucked, but we got my husband's brother to step in as emergency backup best man, we made sure to get together and hang out with the friend later, and we've officially put him in charge of a post-wedding bachelor/hen party so he's still a part of the (currently delayed) festivities.
Backstory: we didn't get around to having parties before the wedding, and our real-life friends are pretty much mutual so we might as well have one party. We just need to pick a date for it!
posted by telophase at 11:48 AM on May 29, 2013
It's ok to be sad. You sound like you are being very gracious and sweet. Maybe you could incorporate her presence with a piece to fulfill one of the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue"? I've known many friends to do this - a ring from a beloved grandmother, a hair pin, something along those lines?
posted by RogueTech at 12:09 PM on May 29, 2013
posted by RogueTech at 12:09 PM on May 29, 2013
I agree with treehorn+bunny- people change. My mom's best friend from high school didn't have my Mom in her wedding. Her best friend doesn't even talk to the people in her wedding party anymore. I was maid of honor for a high school friend of mine and we don't talk anymore. So it may be a blessing in disguise. (Even know it stinks at the moment that she can't make it.)
posted by lawgirl at 2:00 PM on May 29, 2013
posted by lawgirl at 2:00 PM on May 29, 2013
I'm on the opposite side of this -- I can't be at my best friend's wedding this year (my baby is due a week before her wedding and I live two hours away). It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't be there and I'm sure your friend probably feels the same way. I'm hoping someone can FaceTime me in so I can watch the ceremony, but I also really like the idea of chatting with her personally over FaceTime or Skype and at least being able to see her in her outfits.
posted by pised at 4:23 PM on May 29, 2013
posted by pised at 4:23 PM on May 29, 2013
Several of my friends have had interludes at their weddings during which friends and family who couldn't make it from out of town prerecorded video to be played. In at least one case, the couple didn't watch the videos until the wedding, which made it a very emotional moment that definitely almost exceeded the poignancy of having the friends and relatives there at the wedding - especially since in many cases the people who couldn't travel were very old, had very young children, or were ill. Could she do that? Or, for a lower-pressure option, could she call during the wedding? There's definitely an official wedding photo of me sitting and eating while chatting on the phone with my grandmother.
posted by town of cats at 8:42 PM on May 29, 2013
posted by town of cats at 8:42 PM on May 29, 2013
Be truly honest with yourself.
If it were of fundamental importance to you that she were there, you would have found a way for her to be there. For example, having the wedding where she lives, or scheduling it according to her schedule.
You made the decision to prioritize other things in planning your wedding. It's up to you to own that, and owning it comes with the perhaps harsh realization that though she may be your best friend, you now have other priorities that come first, including your new husband.
Marriage is a joy but there can be secondary losses and it sounds like your anguish about her not being there might be related to feelings of sadness related to what are truly good changes, but complicated transitions nonetheless.
I think that once you come to terms with yourself what it means that you were okay planning and having a wedding without her there (which is totally fair), you will be able to enjoy your wedding and be the best friend you can be to her now, on these new terms.
posted by Salamandrous at 12:53 PM on June 3, 2013
If it were of fundamental importance to you that she were there, you would have found a way for her to be there. For example, having the wedding where she lives, or scheduling it according to her schedule.
You made the decision to prioritize other things in planning your wedding. It's up to you to own that, and owning it comes with the perhaps harsh realization that though she may be your best friend, you now have other priorities that come first, including your new husband.
Marriage is a joy but there can be secondary losses and it sounds like your anguish about her not being there might be related to feelings of sadness related to what are truly good changes, but complicated transitions nonetheless.
I think that once you come to terms with yourself what it means that you were okay planning and having a wedding without her there (which is totally fair), you will be able to enjoy your wedding and be the best friend you can be to her now, on these new terms.
posted by Salamandrous at 12:53 PM on June 3, 2013
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Why not plan some things for just the two of you to do before the Big Day? Or have the photographer take some pictures of just the two of you where/near where you're getting married? Instead of focusing on how she won't be there, what about brainstorming up ideas for things you two can do to recognize your long friendship?
posted by canine epigram at 7:25 AM on May 29, 2013 [11 favorites]