Social Anxiety & Roommate Living
May 27, 2013 7:19 PM Subscribe
How do I live with roommates (mega-extroverts at that) when I'm introverted and kinda crazy?
I have a serious problem in that when I'm in roommate situations, I zone out and am very aloof, I AM the roommate that everyone complains about who is always in their rooms, and doesn't like to talk too much. I am a decent roommate otherwise. I have a decent social life, but I just can't seem to relax to let my housemates in. I don't need to be BFFs with them, but I have a hard time moving past small talk, and it's nothing personal. It's 100% anxiety on my part.
Part of me thinks the reason this keeps happening is I grew up in a tiny apartment with no privacy and my brain is just hoarding all of it now. I know a lot of this is social anxiety and I am making it out to be a much bigger deal than it really has to be. I loved living alone, but financially, it is not in the cards for me right now.
How do I make this better?
I can't do SSRIs and I don't drink, so no "have happy hour with them" suggestions.
Thanks.
I have a serious problem in that when I'm in roommate situations, I zone out and am very aloof, I AM the roommate that everyone complains about who is always in their rooms, and doesn't like to talk too much. I am a decent roommate otherwise. I have a decent social life, but I just can't seem to relax to let my housemates in. I don't need to be BFFs with them, but I have a hard time moving past small talk, and it's nothing personal. It's 100% anxiety on my part.
Part of me thinks the reason this keeps happening is I grew up in a tiny apartment with no privacy and my brain is just hoarding all of it now. I know a lot of this is social anxiety and I am making it out to be a much bigger deal than it really has to be. I loved living alone, but financially, it is not in the cards for me right now.
How do I make this better?
I can't do SSRIs and I don't drink, so no "have happy hour with them" suggestions.
Thanks.
Why not just let the roommates know? Honesty seems like the best policy.
posted by hworth at 7:26 PM on May 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by hworth at 7:26 PM on May 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
In general, can you seek out other introverts? I have had ten-gazillion housemates in my life, and I love living with friendly introverts and tend to put this in my housemates-wanted flyers. Can you seek out graduate students in intensive programs or programmers or nerds of various stripes? Honestly, I would hate to have to "let roommates in" or whatever - is it at all possible to select who you room with?
Honestly, maybe I am just speaking as someone who is An Old and wasn't very fun even as a youth, but the most important things about housemates for me have always been "do they do chores", "do they pay rent" and "do they pick fights or take more of other people's stuff than the occasional bowl of cereal".
posted by Frowner at 7:28 PM on May 27, 2013 [8 favorites]
Honestly, maybe I am just speaking as someone who is An Old and wasn't very fun even as a youth, but the most important things about housemates for me have always been "do they do chores", "do they pay rent" and "do they pick fights or take more of other people's stuff than the occasional bowl of cereal".
posted by Frowner at 7:28 PM on May 27, 2013 [8 favorites]
I am kind of like this too, and I find that the more I seek out the "safe haven" of my personal space, the more I want to. It builds on itself. I also notice that I don't have anxiety if I'm not paying attention. Like, one time I was on vacation and I was wandering around the Bronx and Manhattan all day, and never once felt like I needed to escape and hide under the covers. And normally, I don't like that kind of thing at all.
So if you are anything like me, I'd suggest reframing my thought patterns out of "must escape" into "what else do I have to do?"
posted by gjc at 7:29 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
So if you are anything like me, I'd suggest reframing my thought patterns out of "must escape" into "what else do I have to do?"
posted by gjc at 7:29 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
i think this is ok...am actually looking for a tenant right now who will do what you describe yourself doing (but i'd hope that they could not experience anxiety while doing it). be honest about what the other person should expect from you, be up front. someone may want exactly that and certainly not complain about you.
it is totally ok to not be friends or in the life of someone if you only share an apartment or house with them for $ reasons, even more so if you weren't friends to begin with before you moved in together.
i had a roommate once who i met on craigslist who was kinda aggressive trying to hang out with me and my friends, and make plans with us - he'd recently moved here and was a bit lonely i think. that kind of made me uncomfortable, not because he was a bad person, but i just wanted us to have our separate lives and not really be close friends that way. i was more comfortable having social privacy.
posted by zdravo at 7:31 PM on May 27, 2013
it is totally ok to not be friends or in the life of someone if you only share an apartment or house with them for $ reasons, even more so if you weren't friends to begin with before you moved in together.
i had a roommate once who i met on craigslist who was kinda aggressive trying to hang out with me and my friends, and make plans with us - he'd recently moved here and was a bit lonely i think. that kind of made me uncomfortable, not because he was a bad person, but i just wanted us to have our separate lives and not really be close friends that way. i was more comfortable having social privacy.
posted by zdravo at 7:31 PM on May 27, 2013
Maybe you don't have to; some people want roommates that keep to themselves. You could find some of those.
I have a decent social life, but I just can't seem to relax to let my housemates in.
Another option is to move in with someone who is already your friend, so 'letting your housemates in' won't be an issue.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:37 PM on May 27, 2013
I have a decent social life, but I just can't seem to relax to let my housemates in.
Another option is to move in with someone who is already your friend, so 'letting your housemates in' won't be an issue.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:37 PM on May 27, 2013
I'm like this. Just tell them: Hey, I'm sorry if I'm in my room all the time, but I'm just introverted and need a lot of alone time.
You should ask them if they want to do something structured like playing a board game or poker or something -- that's an easy way to break the ice with people you don't know well because it forces interaction.
Also, I don't think very many people complain about a roommate that keeps quiet and to themselves. I had a roommate that I don't think I said 4 sentences to in a year and he was one of the best roommates Ive ever had.
posted by empath at 7:40 PM on May 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
You should ask them if they want to do something structured like playing a board game or poker or something -- that's an easy way to break the ice with people you don't know well because it forces interaction.
Also, I don't think very many people complain about a roommate that keeps quiet and to themselves. I had a roommate that I don't think I said 4 sentences to in a year and he was one of the best roommates Ive ever had.
posted by empath at 7:40 PM on May 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
So are you saying you are worried that roommates will be annoyed by your alone-type behavior?
Or are you saying you want to not be like that anymore?
Personally, who cares. If you are fine with the way you are, then it doesn't matter. Let them know that you like to be by yourself and for them to knock on your door or text if you need something. Make a nice chore sheet so you don't have to have any big conversations about chores. I stayed in my room much of the time when I lived with roommates because I didn't like them very much, but I have also had roommates in college who just kept to themselves. It was fine.
Now if you want to change, that's a whole other ballgame. I don't have much advice on that side. However I don't think you need to change just to keep a roommate. Just let them know right away that you keep to yourself.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:55 PM on May 27, 2013
Or are you saying you want to not be like that anymore?
Personally, who cares. If you are fine with the way you are, then it doesn't matter. Let them know that you like to be by yourself and for them to knock on your door or text if you need something. Make a nice chore sheet so you don't have to have any big conversations about chores. I stayed in my room much of the time when I lived with roommates because I didn't like them very much, but I have also had roommates in college who just kept to themselves. It was fine.
Now if you want to change, that's a whole other ballgame. I don't have much advice on that side. However I don't think you need to change just to keep a roommate. Just let them know right away that you keep to yourself.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:55 PM on May 27, 2013
how old are you? what you describe becomes the norm somewhere in one's early to mid 20s, in my experience.
posted by salvia at 7:59 PM on May 27, 2013
posted by salvia at 7:59 PM on May 27, 2013
I'd be upfront about being introverted. I'm not sure if you already have a living situation with two extroverts or this is more general, but you can say something about needing to destress from your job with alone time.
If you want to be closer, like it was suggested earlier, if you can find a show that you and your roommate both like (bad reality tv, someone has the entire series of The Wire, whatever), that's a good, low key way to hangout and gives you something to talk about.
I'm not sure how old you are, but in my experience, I'd say that 95% of all the complaining about roommates who are in the room all the time comes from college situations where people are sharing a bedroom or other cramped space and they never had space and time to themselves without the roommate also being their. Once you get to an apartment with separate bedrooms, it's not a big deal at all.
posted by raeka at 8:04 PM on May 27, 2013
If you want to be closer, like it was suggested earlier, if you can find a show that you and your roommate both like (bad reality tv, someone has the entire series of The Wire, whatever), that's a good, low key way to hangout and gives you something to talk about.
I'm not sure how old you are, but in my experience, I'd say that 95% of all the complaining about roommates who are in the room all the time comes from college situations where people are sharing a bedroom or other cramped space and they never had space and time to themselves without the roommate also being their. Once you get to an apartment with separate bedrooms, it's not a big deal at all.
posted by raeka at 8:04 PM on May 27, 2013
Do you cook or bake? Making food and sharing it is a good way to communicate good/friendly intentions and doesn't necessarily require small talk.
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:18 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:18 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I zone out and am very aloof, I AM the roommate that everyone complains about who is always in their rooms, and doesn't like to talk too much.
I will tell you right now that you are the perfect roommate for a lot of people. This is exactly what most of my friends (and I) look/looked for in roommate living if they weren't moving in with a friend. A roommate you never know is there is something people dream of, especially other introverts.
Be totally up front, say that you are going to be a great roommate(clean, respectful of privacy, on time with rent and bills) but not social and don't like to hang out and I can almost guarantee you will be delightfully surprised by people breathing sighs of relief.
posted by A god with hooves, a god with horns at 8:36 PM on May 27, 2013 [9 favorites]
I will tell you right now that you are the perfect roommate for a lot of people. This is exactly what most of my friends (and I) look/looked for in roommate living if they weren't moving in with a friend. A roommate you never know is there is something people dream of, especially other introverts.
Be totally up front, say that you are going to be a great roommate(clean, respectful of privacy, on time with rent and bills) but not social and don't like to hang out and I can almost guarantee you will be delightfully surprised by people breathing sighs of relief.
posted by A god with hooves, a god with horns at 8:36 PM on May 27, 2013 [9 favorites]
Speaking strictly for myself, the only possible scenario I can imagine in which your behavior would upset me is if I for some reason thought you resented something I did, but never actually spoke to me about it. Friendly, timely communication about the practicalities of roommate living are vital to healthy, livable roommate arrangements. Stuff like who's taking out the trash, or whose food is in the fridge, or why are the dishes piled up in the sink, or whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. As long as those things are taken care of, you could spend all day in your room, for all I cared.
If you wanted to go above and beyond, you could make small gestures of goodwill by leaving an occasional small tin of snacks in the common room. But really, statistics shows that it's always the other roommate who's the bigger asshole.
posted by Nomyte at 9:00 PM on May 27, 2013
If you wanted to go above and beyond, you could make small gestures of goodwill by leaving an occasional small tin of snacks in the common room. But really, statistics shows that it's always the other roommate who's the bigger asshole.
posted by Nomyte at 9:00 PM on May 27, 2013
I've been this roommate, up to and including the social anxiety. As long as the times when you emerge from your lair to take a shower aren't the times when your roommates want a shower, there's no problem.
posted by madcaptenor at 9:07 PM on May 27, 2013
posted by madcaptenor at 9:07 PM on May 27, 2013
Those sound like great qualities to have in a roommate! If you also wash your dishes promptly (and don't keep dirty ones in your room), don't take too long in the shower when others are waiting, and clean the bathroom and kitchen occasionally you will be considered a wonderful, fabulous roommate by most people.
If you want to seem friendlier towards your housemates, making cookies or dinner is usually well received.
I AM the roommate that everyone complains about who is always in their rooms
If you aren't sharing an actual room with someone usually people don't mind this, your roommates may be one of the rare exceptions. The only time I've heard anyone sharing a house complain about this was when the roommate was suspected of doing a lot of drugs and trying to cover it up by not coming out of their room at all when other people were home.
posted by yohko at 1:39 AM on May 28, 2013
If you want to seem friendlier towards your housemates, making cookies or dinner is usually well received.
I AM the roommate that everyone complains about who is always in their rooms
If you aren't sharing an actual room with someone usually people don't mind this, your roommates may be one of the rare exceptions. The only time I've heard anyone sharing a house complain about this was when the roommate was suspected of doing a lot of drugs and trying to cover it up by not coming out of their room at all when other people were home.
posted by yohko at 1:39 AM on May 28, 2013
Do you have these roommates now? If so, just let them know that you cherish your alone time and that you hope they don't have hurt feelings.
If you're looking for a roommate situation, just let any prospective roommates know that you like to hermit in your room.
It's not a bad thing to most folks in a roommate situation.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:41 AM on May 28, 2013
If you're looking for a roommate situation, just let any prospective roommates know that you like to hermit in your room.
It's not a bad thing to most folks in a roommate situation.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:41 AM on May 28, 2013
Agreed with others that an introverted roommate is not a bad thing to have; not sure why people would object to living with you.
That said, your roommates may be disconcerted, thinking you don't like them, or are actively avoiding them because of somethig they've done. Be willing to address this directly. Also, I'm not much of one for the forced socialization of "roommate dinner night" and "happy hour", but do try going out of your way to be friendly and act glad to see them for the 5 minutes that your paths cross as you're on your way elsewhere. It's okay to be introverted, but if you're uncommunicative, then it becomes an ordeal every time they have something they need to tell/ask you. (I'm out of bread and I could just use lollipopgomez's except I haven't talked to them in a week, and I don't want to just knock on their door, they probably hate me. oh, christ, why is this so complicated?)
Smile, make some "good day?" kind of comment, mention what you're doing this evening or this week if there's anything unusual going on. Not in the "I'm going to watch MovieName in my room with the door closed!" kind of way (being very specific tends to make people wonder why you thought they wanted to know about MovieName, if you're inviting them, if you're warning them off, etc), but "Hey, I'm home tonight but I'll be tucked away in my room after dinner." "Oh, hey, I'm making a pizza, you don't need the oven, do you?" or "By the way, I won't be home till late tomorrow." Just some comment that says that indicates that you are not unfriendly or scary, and you are willing to talk to them, and provides an opening for them to respond with other pertinent information without feeling awkward.
posted by aimedwander at 9:44 AM on May 28, 2013
That said, your roommates may be disconcerted, thinking you don't like them, or are actively avoiding them because of somethig they've done. Be willing to address this directly. Also, I'm not much of one for the forced socialization of "roommate dinner night" and "happy hour", but do try going out of your way to be friendly and act glad to see them for the 5 minutes that your paths cross as you're on your way elsewhere. It's okay to be introverted, but if you're uncommunicative, then it becomes an ordeal every time they have something they need to tell/ask you. (I'm out of bread and I could just use lollipopgomez's except I haven't talked to them in a week, and I don't want to just knock on their door, they probably hate me. oh, christ, why is this so complicated?)
Smile, make some "good day?" kind of comment, mention what you're doing this evening or this week if there's anything unusual going on. Not in the "I'm going to watch MovieName in my room with the door closed!" kind of way (being very specific tends to make people wonder why you thought they wanted to know about MovieName, if you're inviting them, if you're warning them off, etc), but "Hey, I'm home tonight but I'll be tucked away in my room after dinner." "Oh, hey, I'm making a pizza, you don't need the oven, do you?" or "By the way, I won't be home till late tomorrow." Just some comment that says that indicates that you are not unfriendly or scary, and you are willing to talk to them, and provides an opening for them to respond with other pertinent information without feeling awkward.
posted by aimedwander at 9:44 AM on May 28, 2013
I find thath if you make yourself available to contribute to the house "hey guys, I'll grab milk on my way home today" or "I'll handle trash day this week" you'll generally be seen as a decent person no matter if you hang out solo or with them. BAsically, you need to be approachable for house discussions, but you do not need to be best buds.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:12 AM on May 28, 2013
posted by WeekendJen at 10:12 AM on May 28, 2013
Yeah, I recently went from living with an introverted roommate who spent a lot of time in her room and/or worked late to living with an outgoing roommate who, like, talks to me when I'm watching television or reading a book.
Reserved roommates are AWESOME.
But yeah, do talk to them sometimes. Ask them for favors (can I borrow an egg?), and do favors for them (I'm stopping at Trader Joe's, can I get you anything?) - that's a really good way to solidify relationships. You don't have to talk about your life history or philosophy or anything.
posted by mskyle at 10:15 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Reserved roommates are AWESOME.
But yeah, do talk to them sometimes. Ask them for favors (can I borrow an egg?), and do favors for them (I'm stopping at Trader Joe's, can I get you anything?) - that's a really good way to solidify relationships. You don't have to talk about your life history or philosophy or anything.
posted by mskyle at 10:15 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh and another thing you can do is seek out situations where it's more like "I am renting out a room in my house/apartment" rather than "We're an awesome group of cool kids looking for another cool kid to share an awesome apartment!" Your introverted roommate qualities are highly desirable to the right roommate.
posted by mskyle at 10:50 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 10:50 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yeah, you sound like the kind of housemate I'd have liked to live with. As do a lot of the people posting here.
Do keep in mind the demographic here, though - you will typically get more nerdy, introverted types on both the internet and this site in particular. And that's the kind of person who'll be very happy to live with you.
posted by Ashlyth at 2:15 AM on May 29, 2013
Do keep in mind the demographic here, though - you will typically get more nerdy, introverted types on both the internet and this site in particular. And that's the kind of person who'll be very happy to live with you.
posted by Ashlyth at 2:15 AM on May 29, 2013
If this is something that is actually happening (as opposed to something you can avert) I would say that the major thing (from my perspective as a mostly extroverted person) is to make sure the extroverts know that they haven't offended or repulsed you, and let them know how best to converse with you if they need or want to. Clear guidelines will help them feel comfortable as opposed to walking on eggshells.
I am picturing a conversation like this:
"I'm pretty introverted and expect I'll hole up in my room a lot. It's not personal, I like you and think you're great. Please don't take it the wrong way if you guys are up to something fun in the apartment and I don't join in - its just the alone time I need. I promise to let you know if the noise or something is bothering me so don't worry about it. If my door is shut and and you want to let me know something or connect I'm always happy for you to knock/text (pick your preferred communication method). I also promise to let you know if I'm feeling uncomfortable or upset with you - you don't have to worry about that."
And then do so. Once in a while invite them for something (movie's a great idea), and hole up the rest of the time.
posted by Salamandrous at 11:22 AM on June 2, 2013
I am picturing a conversation like this:
"I'm pretty introverted and expect I'll hole up in my room a lot. It's not personal, I like you and think you're great. Please don't take it the wrong way if you guys are up to something fun in the apartment and I don't join in - its just the alone time I need. I promise to let you know if the noise or something is bothering me so don't worry about it. If my door is shut and and you want to let me know something or connect I'm always happy for you to knock/text (pick your preferred communication method). I also promise to let you know if I'm feeling uncomfortable or upset with you - you don't have to worry about that."
And then do so. Once in a while invite them for something (movie's a great idea), and hole up the rest of the time.
posted by Salamandrous at 11:22 AM on June 2, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
I've bonded with so many roommates over the years marathonning through TV series or just watching whatever movie happens to be playing on TBS just then.
posted by Sara C. at 7:24 PM on May 27, 2013