Why does my baby niece start crying when she sees me?

May 25, 2013 7:38 AM

My 1.5 year old niece starts crying whenever she sees me and it breaks my heart. This has been happening since she was 7 months old and I can't understand what I've done to cause it. It's upsetting me enough to make me ask about it here.

My sister lives about half a mile away from me. I'm not married and don't have any kids, and I was looking forward to playing with my niece as she grew up. But this crying is not letting us bond.

I have no idea how it started. Until she was 7 months old, there was no problem at all. I've been visiting my sister once every fortnight or so to see how my niece was doing. It started one day when she was lying on her bed. I walked up to her, looked down at her and said, "Hello there!" and then she suddenly started crying. Dismissing this as surprise, I didn't think too much of it. Two weeks later, I visited again and she was sitting in her mother's lap. I smiled at her and said, "Hello sweetie!" and she once again started crying.

Since then, it's happened almost every time I've visited. I've tried tricks my sister suggested like not looking at my niece when I walk in, which works but the moment I look at her, she cries again. We even wondered whether it was to do with my bald head and beard, so I grew my hair out a bit to check. No difference.

I've never spoken loudly to her or shocked her in any way, and I generally get along great with kids, so to not have the same kind of relationship with my own flesh and blood is very upsetting.

Parents of MeFi, do you have insight into what might be happening? Or do I simply have to wait until she starts talking?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (39 answers total)

Maybe it's your smell. maybe it's too unfamiliar from the smell of her house/mom/dad.
posted by discopolo at 7:41 AM on May 25, 2013

Maybe she was having a nightmare or had a little pain somewhere or heard a scary noise that one time, and now she has you all wrapped up with that.

Kids are weird, just give it time.
posted by windykites at 7:42 AM on May 25, 2013 [5 favorites]

Please correct me if I am wrong, but let me guess:

... and, then once she started crying, mum would swoop in and give her attention ...

... then, the next time you appeared she started crying, mum would swoop in and give her attention ...

... and repeat ...

You are her subconscious mechanism for getting instant attention from mum.

When she was small(er), did you pick her up, hold her and rock her till she stopped crying - or was it mum who did that?
posted by jkaczor at 7:49 AM on May 25, 2013 [8 favorites]

I was *terrified* of beards as a child. To me, I saw no difference between a furry monster and a bearded man. I grew out of my fear once I was old enough to distinguish "nice man with beard" from "scary monster" but I might have been 3 or 4 by then, I'm sorry. Suddenly feeling quite guilty for upsetting family friends & Santas during the mid-1970s...
posted by pammeke at 7:52 AM on May 25, 2013 [19 favorites]

Simple answer? She's one year old. There isn't a always whole lot of logic behind when babies get emotional. Sometimes there is, sometimes there's not. Don't take the emotional state of a one-year-old too seriously.

If there is a practical answer, though, it's probably that she doesn't see you regularly enough not to be a little bit surprised by you, and she might be sensitive to this (she's one!). This isn't a shortcoming of yours, it's just that affect regulation (namely, a development of emotional security) is established primarily with regular, around-the-clock caregivers. She anticipates this regularity, and changing it up might throw this off a bit for her. It's just the way it works for a few years. Give it some time, and she'll grow more secure around people who have surprising characteristics.

Also, your beard might throw her off a bit. Mom (I'm guessing) doesn't have one, so she isn't sure what to make of it when she sees one. This is the way that it was with our two year old for awhile. She grew out of it.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:57 AM on May 25, 2013 [2 favorites]

Seconding Windy. Babies are weird and seem to have the ability to break the softest of hearts, and can sense anxiety pretty well. Who knows what sets them off or what they remember.

Try to totally ignore her when you first arrive to visit. This may help to desensitize her. The stakes sound pretty high for you and the visits may start off tense and I think babies sense that.

Hold a favorite toy, chat with Mom and try to avoid eye contact for a bit. Break your normal routine and see if she warms up.

She will will totally adore you soon. Relax, smile at Mom and baby will warm up to you again.
posted by moonlily at 7:59 AM on May 25, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's the beard. My kid freaked-the-fuck-out every time someone with a beard showed up at our house. I don't know if he grew out of it on his own or my being too lazy to shave for a month fixed it. Either way he's over it.
posted by foodgeek at 8:04 AM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

Just wait it out. You don't need to bond when she's barely a toddler to have a great relationship as she grows up.
posted by benbenson at 8:05 AM on May 25, 2013 [3 favorites]

My baby used to cry at beards until an intrepid neighbor offered to hold her anyway. She cried for about two minutes and then touched his beard and decided it was the coolest thing ever. Now she wants to grab every beard and tug it and eat it, this was 3 months ago and she's now 10 months.
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 8:12 AM on May 25, 2013 [23 favorites]

I was going to immediately ask if you have a beard.
posted by thelonius at 8:24 AM on May 25, 2013 [6 favorites]

Beards (and eyeglasses) can be frightening to small children.
posted by Svejk at 8:32 AM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think pammeke has it. I worked at a preschool when my kids were young. Beards (especially dark, longer ones) freak out lots of kids. One father said his strategy was to let his step daughter see him and his wife treat his beard just like hair on his wife's head - they would brush it, put bows in it, etc. His wife would point out men with beards in magazines and say " He's a nice man. He has a beard just like daddy's ". They usually grow out of it anyway by the time they are 4 but I know you don't want to wait that until then. Whatever it is, keep going to visit - I know it's hard.
posted by LiverOdor at 8:39 AM on May 25, 2013 [2 favorites]

I've known a lot of little kids who totally lose their shit whenever they see someone with facial hair. They grow out of it eventually.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:41 AM on May 25, 2013

This happened with my daughter and my dad. She loved him as a tiny baby, was kind of "meh" about him until she was 9 months old (he's got a big booming laugh that she wasn't a huge fan of), and then... he hit up his mustache with a slightly-too-dark shade of Just For Men one day, and OMG FREAKOUT. Not just dislike, but hysterical crying and hiding her eyes. Nothing else had changed. For the next 1.5 years it was "I don't want Pop-pop to look at me," and averting her face when he was around, and crying when he tried to talk to her. We tried our best to talk her out of it, but the only thing that really worked was time and maturity-- she started to come around in the late 2s and early 3s, and now they're the best of friends.

Kids are weird. Especially about facial hair. Have you considered shaving your beard?
posted by Bardolph at 8:46 AM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

Nthing beard.
posted by amro at 9:07 AM on May 25, 2013

My daughter had the same reaction to a bald, bearded family member. She also freaked out when her dad got a severe hair cut. I think it might be the hair style! It's unusual. She'll grow out of it.
posted by sunshinesky at 9:08 AM on May 25, 2013

I agree it's probably the beard, but this does not mean you need to go shave it off. Just give the kid time, she'll come around.

Ignore her until she comes to you. Try sitting on the floor while you're talking to your sister (don't loom over the kid) and quietly bounce a little stuffed animal like its walking or something like that. If the baby comes over, keep avoiding direct eye contact, just keep playing quietly, make the stuffed toy 'talk' to her instead.

Sort of like the best way to meet a strange cat: let them come to you, no sudden moves or loud noises, no grabbing, no eye contact.
posted by easily confused at 9:21 AM on May 25, 2013 [6 favorites]

I scanned your more inside, knowing I would find "beard".
posted by Specklet at 9:33 AM on May 25, 2013 [5 favorites]

Nthing 'kids are weird' and that she will grow out of it.

In the meantime, bring a new toy when you come over and start playing with it near her, but not looking at her. She may watch you play for a bit and then come over to check out the new toy. Keep not looking at her, and you may be able to get her to see you're a nice dude even though you have a beard.

If not, just ride it out :)
posted by thatone at 10:11 AM on May 25, 2013 [2 favorites]

I have six brothers and my daughter went through a period of time where she was terrified of ALL of them. Beard, no beard, she hated their guts for no apparent reason. We all actually thought it was kind of hilarious. Eventually though she did end up warming up to them (particularly the two she sees most often) and now she frequently tells me that she wants to go to "dranma's house" (grandma's house) and see ______ (insert previously-shunned uncle). So yeah, the beard may play a definite part, but little kids are fickle; spend more time with her and don't press it, hang out and do something fun in her not-too-immediate vicinity, and eventually she'll start to not avoid you or cry, and maybe even come over to see what you're doing, and then, you're golden. No worries!
posted by celtalitha at 10:35 AM on May 25, 2013

Oh and there was also a good while in the middle where she would randomly either love them or hate them - I would go to my mom's house and brother (whom three days ago she was playing blocks with happy as can be) would walk in the door and say "HI E!" and little E would shriek and bury her face in my shoulder. Brother would be all "oookaaaaay then, I feel the love!" and go carry on his business. An hour later she would go back to loving him.
posted by celtalitha at 10:40 AM on May 25, 2013

Yep, likely the beard. My almost-3 year old nephew isn't afraid of me, but he's not too sure about hugging me hello or goodbye... when my sister asked him flat out "Is it the beard?" he matter-of-factly said "Yeah." I get goodbye high-fives instead.
posted by usonian at 10:56 AM on May 25, 2013

From birth, and then for the first almost-3 years of my life, I would become completely hysterical if my grandfather came near me wearing anything other than a white shirt. For absolutely no reason.

I saw him every single weekend, and many weeknights, of my early years. If he came near me wearing plaid/grey/blue/red/whatever, I'd start screaming and crying like someone was trying to kill me.

He could literally take off the offending shirt in front of me, put on a white shirt, and I'd stop. Instantly. And then very happily rest in his arms. So, recognizing that, he went out and bought a lot of white shirts.

For three years, that was sort of his 'uniform' - and it became habit. Such that, from my birth until the time my grandfather died (when I was 20), his clothing was almost exclusively white shirts. The family photo albums prove it.

Experiment, maybe, and see what happens when you wear a baseball cap or don't wear plaid or talk in a squeaky voice, or.. whatever. Get creative.

Kids are super weird. (Also, people who work around those quirks are awesome.)
posted by VioletU at 10:58 AM on May 25, 2013 [4 favorites]

Yeah, kids are sometimes weird about beards. One time after a freak-out when she was 2-ish I asked my cousin's daughter if it was because she thought the dude's head was on upside-down and her eyes got huge and she shouted YES and waved her hands around all noodly-like.
posted by elizardbits at 11:52 AM on May 25, 2013 [12 favorites]

Nthing beard + kids are weird. My parents had a friend with a loud, deep voice and a beard and I remained terrified of him until I was old enough to remember it now. And, like, my dad has a beard, I knew beards weren't inherently scary, but this guy's particular beard combined with his voice just freaked me the fuck out.

I told him a few months ago that I was so scared of him as a kid that I'd dread going to their house because it took every ounce of bravery I had not to run screaming out the door and he threw back his head and laughed loud and long. No longer scary! Now I know I'm an adult.
posted by town of cats at 12:21 PM on May 25, 2013

She knows. She sees the darkness. She has gazed into the inner depths of your soul and she has saw the cold, barren wasteland that exists. She knows that it will never be filled and that eventually, it will grow until it consumes the whole world.

Or not. Children are really, really strange, man. My two year old loves people one minute and the next says "I am scared of them." Don't worry about it and don't let it get you down. It will be history soon enough.
posted by Silvertree at 12:36 PM on May 25, 2013 [4 favorites]

You know how we say cats are weird? Toddlers are just as weird, too. As long as you're in her life on a regular basis you'll have opportunities to forge a strong relationship.
posted by stowaway at 12:38 PM on May 25, 2013

I wouldn't be above arriving with chocolate (or bubbles or a cute little toy). If her mum was ok with that. M and Ms or something.

I'd sit on the floor talking with her mum. Treat Niece like a cat...ignore her till she comes investigating what you and her mum are doing/eating/playing with. Don't talk directly to her for a few visits. Just ignore her.

I'm the mother of an anxious kid and ignoring is the best way. I do it with other anxious kids and it works over time. I interact warmly and sweetly with their mum in their presence but ignore the kids till they approach me.

Let your niece see how safe you are by observation with her parents. Luck! It's not at all uncommon, by the way.
posted by taff at 12:42 PM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

My youngest daughter was terrified of my favorite male relative for a long time. We think it all stemmed back to one dark early morning when she was in her car seat faced reverse ,he got in the car her Nana was driving and spoke and his deep voice or loud laugh freaked her right out. She was upset at his appearance for a long time afterward.
He gave her space, didn't try too hard,Dad and I never fed into it and when ever the situation seemed good ,I would hold her and laugh and play with him. Now when she sees him she puts on the biggest show of adoration and 3 year old flirting!
Now what to do about the long running fear of crocodiles and alligators she has developed.
posted by slothhog at 12:49 PM on May 25, 2013

When my cousin's son was a baby he started shrieking in fear whenever my dad (who had a beard, so maybe that's it) entered the room. Sometimes he would even try to crawl over my cousin's shoulder in an attempt to get away. He was terrified. Then one day he just stopped doing it, and that was that and who knows why.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:52 PM on May 25, 2013

As a very young one, my uncle's beard frightened me, but not worries... after I got over the beard thing after a few years, he became my favorite person in the world. Though I could recall being scared of the beard, I wasn't afraid of the man behind the beard. Kids are weird.

Oddly enough, this is one of my earliest memories, of being a toddler remembering something that happened "when I was little". lol
posted by _paegan_ at 2:00 PM on May 25, 2013

No one seems to have mentioned that 7 months old is the classic age that stranger anxiety starts for babies. It's not "weird", it's a developmental stage. At that age they are learning to tell familiar from unfamiliar people, and learning that strangers are scary. The beard could contribute because it marks you as more strange (meaning more obviously not Mom).

The thing that will help the most with stranger anxiety is being less of a stranger. Seeing her every couple weeks is too seldom for her to get to know you. Can you go see her several times a week? That would help you be more consistently present. Being less in her face, not approaching her, etc as people have suggested could make you less scary as well.
posted by medusa at 2:15 PM on May 25, 2013 [5 favorites]

I have the same problem - for some reason, little kids and dogs don't like me. Yes, it's kind of funny, but on occasion it's really embarrassing to watch a cute baby or an otherwise mellow dog freak out because I looked at them. I'm young, small, and female, so I didn't think it was anything about my appearance that was triggering it.

Then I moved in with a roommate who is a primate behavioral scientist. She and I were talking about how primates and other animals get a lot of their cues from eye contact. It suddenly dawned on me that my severe exotropia could be to blame. Babies and dogs get scared because they can't tell what I'm looking at, so they can't tell whether I'm a threat.

So, what's your ability to make eye contact like?
posted by easy, lucky, free at 2:46 PM on May 25, 2013

I find it really interesting that almost everyone's story has to do with hair. I remember the day when I got out of the shower and wrapped my towel around my head like a turban and the look of horror on my baby's face! She wailed until I took it off. She also never liked me to wear a hat and would tear it off my head. I guess it just changed my appearance too much in her eyes. My mom also likes to tell us that when my brother was young, he was terrified of blonde people and would make her cross the street.

My daughter had the same reaction to my brother, but he didn't have a beard. Maybe it was because he's 6'4 and has a deep voice? I don't know. He would come into my house, she would shriek and cry and he'd have to lay down on the couch to talk to us and not look her in the eye. That sort of worked. Anyway, she'll grow out of it!
posted by biscuits at 4:04 PM on May 25, 2013

My 18-month-old niece has only in the last month started responding positively to my 6' 2" older brother. She didn't meet him until she was six months old and cried and cried when he walked into the same room with her for about a year.

I think that spending more and more time with her, waiting for her to acknowledge him, speaking in a quiet voice to her and letting her wander by him without any touching or talking really helped a lot. Now, she goes to his room, knocks on his door and stares up at him with a happy face. They aren't as close as she is to a lot of other people but it's a huge improvement and it made my brother feel a lot better - it's amazing how such a small creature can make a grown man feel hurt without being able to say more than ten words but, repeating what many have said before me, it just takes time.
posted by Merinda at 5:13 PM on May 25, 2013

Ask your sister to display a (recent) photo of you and make a point of looking at it and saying things like, "Oh, there's Uncle Anonymous! We love Uncle Anonymous, doesn't he have a funny beard!" There's a good chance the beard has something to do with it, and having you around in a "safe" form might help her get used to you faster. Friends of mine did something similar when their son cried every time his grandfather visited, and getting the kid comfortable with the photo seemed to help him be comfortable with Grandpa in person.
posted by camyram at 5:17 PM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

Nthing beard. My dad was bearded for forty years and toddlers would get hysterical whenever he was around. It broke his heart because he loved little kids. He shaved his beard about ten years ago and it has only just occurred to me right now as I'm typing this out that he might have done it because my daughter was born and he didn't want to have his grandkid not like him!
posted by looli at 7:41 PM on May 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

My daughter always cried at the sight of my wife's sister for a while. The sister was just different from what my daughter was used to: she talked very fast, was a little loud, and has a very round face. I think it's just that you are different from what she is used to and she will outgrow her fear.
posted by Dansaman at 10:29 PM on May 25, 2013

Our good friend's daughter had issues with my husband. Another thing that helped (in addition to all the good suggestions above!) was to not ask for anything at goodbye-time. When we would leave, we would hug Mom, say goodbye, we'd hug Dad, say goodbye, and then Mom would ask, "Xena, would you like to say goodbye?" as we were finishing goodbyes with Dad, so it was Not a Big Deal. Usually Xena would say, "NO!" and hide. We'd just shrug and take our leave, no big deal. Sometimes she would want to say goodbye to me but not husband. Again, no big deal. This lasted until "Xena" was ~4 or so.

Some would argue that children should learn politeness and how to say hello/goodbye. She's a well-mannered girl at 7. We found that letting her choose if she wanted to interact, and how she wanted to interact, to be very helpful.

Please don't despair. Things will get better with patience. :)
posted by RogueTech at 1:14 PM on May 28, 2013