You're cute, but no need to brag about it
May 24, 2013 12:01 PM   Subscribe

My boyfriend is cute and fun, but once in awhile, he comes across as a braggart. How can I gently communicate to him that this annoys me?

I’ve been dating a great man for 6 months now, but every so often, he will say things to me that come across to me as bragging, which irks me to no end. For example, he wasn’t very studious in college but he told me a story of how he got drunk and high the night before, but then set the curve for an exam. He has also lamented to me that “too many people like him" and want to be friends with him or seek his advice. In addition, he has also mentioned myriad of cute women that have dated him, or have been attracted to him.

I once dated a man that said things like this in the past, and this trait had always bothered me about him. My current boyfriend has been great so far in other ways, so I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t know that he’s being annoying. Sometimes though when he says things like this, I just want to lash out and take him down a notch because I find it so irritating. Does the hivemind have any ideas on how I can tell tactfully tell my boyfriend that his bragging really bothers me?
posted by annie_oakley to Human Relations (34 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: he told me a story of how he got drunk and high the night before, but then set the curve for an exam.

"Yeah, I'm super jealous of your ability to get drunk and high. What a skill."


He has also lamented to me that “too many people like him"

"You can solve that problem by reminding them ad nauseum how popular you are."


he has also mentioned myriad of cute women that have dated him, or have been attracted to him.

"Too bad none of them liked you enough to continue dating you."


Or just make it really easy and say: "Hey, your bragging really bothers me."
(I vote for this last choice.)
posted by phunniemee at 12:06 PM on May 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


First, don't have this conversation in front of other people.

When he makes one of these comments, say to him "Hey Sweetykins, it seems like you're bragging when you stay stuff like that, and it irks me."

See what he says and go from there.
posted by craven_morhead at 12:06 PM on May 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


Would he get the message if you said, "Your mother must be so proud"?
posted by Cranberry at 12:10 PM on May 24, 2013 [6 favorites]


Sometimes though when he says things like this, I just want to lash out and take him down a notch because I find it so irritating.

Perhaps your irritation has more to do with you, rather than him. You say he's great, but this one thing bothers you. Is something that really needs to be issue of? Because it doesn't sound like you just want to mention it, but rather you want him to stop. That's a natural line of thought in relationships, everyone finds something irritating about their SO.

But your desire to "take him down a notch" isn't conductive to any relationship, especially one as intimate as significant other. Try figuring out why this irrigates you so much and what you can do on your end to mitigate this.

Because trying to change people or put them on the spot usually doesn't work.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:11 PM on May 24, 2013 [5 favorites]


Talk to him in private and tell him "this bother me."

On a side note, I'm willing to wager he does that because you are not sharing with him what he means to you, or not expressing admiration of him in deserved areas.
posted by Kruger5 at 12:13 PM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Years ago, I had a boyfriend who did that and it really was indicative of a much bigger problem. For example, he was constantly telling me about women hitting on him (which in retrospect was actually sheer fantasy on his part -- you know the kind of man who thinks that any pleasant smile masks a heart filled with lust?) even after I told him that I didn't really care to hear about it.

Once he told me that a former girlfriend and he had had a big argument about which one was more attractive (each apparently arguing for him/herself). I thought that was peculiar.

He was very attentive and the sex was really good so I thought it wasn't a big deal, and when we broke up it was over a rather different issue, but looking back, I don't think it was particularly helpful for me to be in a relationship with someone who truly believed he was God's gift to womankind and that he was doing me a huge favor by dating me. No one needs a pity fuck.

YMMV, of course. But that's a hot button for me now. Also, I'm currently in a relationship with a man who IS really attractive but doesn't give much credence to outward appearances. Much better!
posted by janey47 at 12:14 PM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Sometimes people brag because they're insecure, as opposed to it being caused by simple arrogance. If you really like him and think he's a decent person, it would be worth trying to figure out why he does this instead of just telling him it bothers you or putting him down when he talks himself up.
posted by wondermouse at 12:14 PM on May 24, 2013 [14 favorites]


Is it possible you don't give him enough positive feedback so he's fishing for some compliments or reassurance that you think he's awesome?
posted by Dansaman at 12:18 PM on May 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


I tend to treat statements like these as complete non sequiturs and respond in kind.

A man I knew once went on and on about how he never got hangovers because of his iron constitution--in a way that made it clear he thought this was a personal accomplishment. I responded, "I've never been mauled by a bear."

Granted, this is treating the symptom and not the problem, and I think the goal here should be to come to a mutual understanding and place of trust and comfort around this issue--not to beat your boyfriend at his own game. But damn, is it ever satisfying.
posted by duffell at 12:19 PM on May 24, 2013 [19 favorites]


Giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he thinks he's being funny or someone once told him this was cute or something, I'd say something like "Hey. When you say things like that, I'm sure it's not your intention but you come off as a giant douchewaffle. I don't like when you do it, and I wouldn't want anyone else to dislike you because of it, which they will. Do you think you can stop it for me?"

Then, if he reacts badly or continues to do it or fails to recognize it for what it is, you can decide what to do about that.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:20 PM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Very annoying. Fast forward 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 years. Can you see yourself being his ideal partner? Because if you do, it's going to require you to constantly make him feel like he's the smartest, hottest, awesomemest man on the planet...or something will be wrong with *you*.

Food for thought. Seconding wondermouse in that it is about insecurity.

How to tell him? Don't. He'll either react badly or on some level he'll think *you* don't think he's all he thinks his is. Observe and reassess after a couple of weeks/months.
posted by teg4rvn at 12:24 PM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Criticism is pretty hard to deliver and harder to take. I recommend a mildly jokey response along the lines Sweetie, no need to brag; I know just how attractive you are.
posted by theora55 at 12:27 PM on May 24, 2013 [8 favorites]


assuming he thinks he's being funny or someone once told him this was cute or something

Posted too soon. To give an example of how this can happen: a million years ago I was trying to impress this guy who was friends with my best friend. She told me he'd like it if I was less nice and more edgy (or whatever the early-teen word for edgy was) so I should mock her when we hung out. So I started doing that. I didn't impress that guy with my snarky wit or anything else, but I was left with the terrible habit of being mean to my best friend in public for no reason. I eventually figured that out and stopped it on my own, but if I hadn't, someone should have told me it sounded really bad.

Someone could have told your boyfriend years ago "you should brag more, girls like confidence" or some misguided thing, and he just never applied it well or never moved on from it. In that case he should be glad to hear about it honestly from you. If he really is a douchewaffle, that's another story...
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:30 PM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


To me the big question is how often this happens. No guess if "once in a while" means once every two months or closer to twice a week.

If the latter or close, I've met my share of people like that in all sorts of contexts, and it is monumentally difficult to imagine that you have a happy future with this person.

More concretely, as people have said, find the right time, place, words and tone, and share your thoughts. His reaction and subsequent choices will tell you everything to know.

Oh, I'm a guy, for what that's worth, and mentioning all the cute women he's dated or wanted to date him is pathetic. People who respect their partners don't do that.
posted by ambient2 at 12:49 PM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Work on the desire to lash out at him first. What we viscerally hate in others are things we can't own up to in ourselves. Once the desire to lash out is put to rest you can decide if this is still a real problem. Also, you can't really change people. People act they way they do because of how they feel inside.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:55 PM on May 24, 2013


Wow, if my partner said these things, my response would be totally different:

Him: I got drunk the night before and still set the curve for the exam.
Me: Wow dear, how did you pull that off? Was it luck or had you just studied it really hard in the past?

Him: So many people are always asking me to hang out or give them advice.
Me: Yeah, people can really take it out of you some times. It's unfortunate that we just don't have the time in life to help everyone.

Him: All the ladies used to love me.
Me: Well that's because you're such a sexy beast!

My point is, we're socialized to have confidence and yet be humble, be proud and yet demure. Some people lean more towards one side than the other. Frankly, I wasn’t there to hear the tone and context of his comments, so I may be way off base, but I love a man who is confident in his appearance/intelligence/social skills and doesn't have a problem saying it.

You, however, may be more interested in a person who is less showy about their esteem. Wanting a more more humble partner is a preference that you're allowed to have, but I would advise against "taking him down a notch." It isn't you're place to define his self worth, and I don't see how his comments are in any way inflammatory or hurtful, just not what you prefer.
posted by Shouraku at 1:04 PM on May 24, 2013 [20 favorites]


Yes, that behavior is very irritating, and it would drive me nuts, as well.

You might dig deeper, though, and ask him why he's doing it. In my relationship with my wife, if I'm honest with myself, the reason I would feel the need to bring up successes is because I'm sort of hoping that my wife will appreciate them, and don't always feel as if she does. I like to hear from her that she thinks I'm kind of a cool guy to be with at times. What I found, though, is if I hinted at having this kind of need in the past, it bothered her, to the point that she simply would not give validation on any level, as it felt to her like it catered to being a braggart. It is generally hard for her to give affirmations in the first place, and it was especially hard for her to give it if she knew it was something I was seeking/hoping/desiring for in our relationship. We were able to talk this trough, though, and things are quite good now. It was partly in learning to communicate honestly on deeper levels.

So, I have no idea if this would be accurate for your relationship or not, but in some couples, I think there can be a tendency to seek out validation if it's not given, but there's a tendency in some people to resist giving it, if it's desired. That's a bummer of a standoff, so it can take some communication.

That being said, though, some people simply are braggarts, and for some people, no level of validation is sufficient, as they are always looking for more. I have no idea where you both stand on this spectrum, but when you talk to him about it, ask him for what he needs that sits behind the unsavory behavior. If you can figure that out, I think you could find that it actually strengthens your relationship. Or, it might be that he needs to grow up a bit more and learn to be happy with a reasonable level of affirmation in your relationship without always seeking more. But that's worth discussing, too.
posted by SpacemanStix at 1:10 PM on May 24, 2013 [8 favorites]


He sounds really insecure, and a snappy retort may not be called for here. At a time when you're alone, you can say, "You know, occassionally you say stuff about how popular you are, or how attractive and I get the impression that you're looking for positive feedback from me. What's up with that?" Hopefully he can tell you what the dillio.

If not, you can feed into it.

Him: I got super wasted, didn't study and I still set the curve for the class.
You: Wow, you must have a great brain. So, was that a one-off, or is that how you got through school.

Now, it seems kinda gross to go along with it, but if you acknowledge that he's smart (which is the point of the comment) you can then see what's up with the thought process behind the statement. There's a HUGE difference between, "It was a total fluke, and I figured I got the one, so I really hit the books from there on." Or, "Yes, but I went to Arizona State University, so I was in good company." Either of those I'd let pass, but if it turns into this: "Well, I am a superior person and with my big, sexy brain, I'm always coming out ahead." Yeah, that one, that's a deal-breaker.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:15 PM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ugh, a lot of the "this is a you problem for being bothered by it or wanting to turn around and zing him for it" responses bug me.

He's acting like a middle school boy bragging about the time he grabbed a boob, and how his dads working on the Nintendo 65, and how he has pizza for dinner whenever he wants.

This is unattractive, insecure, and embarrassing in public.

There is nothing wrong with being irritated by it. This isn't some "you" thing you need to change, nor are your feelings about wanting to do something about it illegitimate. What I really think at least some of the people were trying to communicate above though, is that some snarky response isn't likely to accomplish much of anything besides generating contempt in him. He's not going to stop and go "huh? Maybe I'm being a man child... Hmm". It's just going to put his shields up and throw him on the defensive.

Try and have a serious conversation with him about it next time he does it. Not at random, right when the thoughts in his mind.

If he won't acknowledge it, then as others said, decide what you want to do from there, knowing he's unwilling to change.

But know that your feelings about this, and reactions are legitimate. And you shouldn't be second guessing them at all.
posted by emptythought at 1:15 PM on May 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


Yeah, dont try to change others, move on.
posted by BenPens at 1:26 PM on May 24, 2013


My view is what writing teachers tell students: show. don't tell.

As for drinking endlessly and not having a hangover, bad. A hangover is god's w3ay of telling you to slow down with your drinking.
posted by Postroad at 1:44 PM on May 24, 2013


He doesn't sound like a braggart from your description. Perhaps you could elaborate why exactly you find his behavior irritating? That might help us give better answers.
posted by Orchestra at 2:05 PM on May 24, 2013


I'm also not sure how often is "once in a while." The fact that you're reacting strongly could mean it's your issue or it could mean that "once in a while" is "pretty darn often" and possibly a sign of a bigger issue.

I dated someone who bragged like that, and the more I got to know him, the more he fit the description of a narcissist. He was charming, attentive, cheerful and fun, yet he "complained" about how popular he was, he claimed he was a "leader" and everyone else was a "follower," he told many stories of women throwing themselves at him, he bragged about how important he was in a past job, he surrounded himself with single women who adored him, he used his young daughter as a source of admiration, and he claimed that he could "have" any woman he wanted just by giving her a little sweet talk. He was beginning to try to control my appearance when I bailed.

I noticed that if I didn't reject his statements but just looked admiring and impressed, he would continue in the same vein, and I would learn all sorts of useful information, such as the fact that he cheated on his wife when he was married and was very likely to cheat on me. So rather than correcting your guy's behavior you might run a bit of an experiment and listen admiringly. See how far he goes and what that might mean for a future with him.
posted by ceiba at 2:32 PM on May 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


"You know I think you're awesome, honey, you don't have to convince me of your powers." Delivered in a friendly neutral tone.
posted by feets at 2:43 PM on May 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm sure it's not your intention but you come off as a giant douchewaffle

This is maybe not the best approach with your potentially insecure boyfriend.

I agree with phunniemee: "Hey, your bragging really bothers me" talks about how his bragging makes you feel, rather than criticizing his character. I agree there is something to criticize but that putting it out that way is not the best way to change his behavior. It is much more straightforward than some of the other suggestions. Trying to take your partner "down a notch" is just ugly and is not going to lead to the results you want.
posted by grouse at 2:52 PM on May 24, 2013


You could tell him this:

Have you ever noticed how really successful people never talk about being successful? They're busy thinking about other things.

A lot of people have noticed this. Really successful people don't talk about it. So, if you do talk about it -- they come to the conclusion that you're not really successful, you're just wishing you were. And, instead of doing something about it, or thinking of ways to accomplish what you want, you're spending a lot of energy on wishing and trying to convince others.

Whether this is true of you isn't the point. The point is, it affects how others see you. And this reaction people have? It isn't necessarily even conscious. Even someone who knows you well might not be able to help having this reaction, subtly. So - when you achieve a victory and are excited, it's understandable to want to share your excitement for a moment. Other than that, though, be careful how you talk about yourself.

---------------
Don't tell him at a time when he's just "bragged" - wait until you are calm and feeling loving toward him.
posted by amtho at 2:59 PM on May 24, 2013 [4 favorites]


Haha I dated a fellow who would talk about all the women he dated or slept with or fooled around with before me. He even showed me pictures. This was in the first month of our dating and it was an obvious attempt to make himself seem more desirable but it was still obnoxious. My response was to take him down a notch by saying "can we just look through your entire portfolio of past women and be done with it?" Surprisingly he was hurt, I suppose because in his mind somewhere this is how he expressed his desire for me.

I was also interested in a fellow that bragged about how many other women he thought were attracted to him, which resulted in my revoking my interest.

Hell even I do this sometimes. Sort of reminds me of that song lyric that goes "you don't have to prove to me that you're beautiful to strangers."

Point is this is probably the same behavior. He is trying to get your approval or to make himself seem more of a catch in your eyes through bragging about his accomplishments and sexual conquests. He probably considers you a great catch that he has to impress or lose. It NEVER works the way it is intended to work but I believe it is rooted in mating games and sometimes insecurity. Talk to him openly about how it makes you feel as he may not realize you find it anything except alluring.
posted by Young Kullervo at 3:24 PM on May 24, 2013 [3 favorites]


You could just say, "Your bragging really bothers me because ____" and fill in the blank, then see what he says. (Make sure you have something to fill in the blank with, though.)
posted by sm1tten at 4:07 PM on May 24, 2013


I had this bragging problem permanently solved for me when I was three. My parents had a handyman over to fix something and I was eager to impress the visitor. I said (and I remember looking up at the guy and saying this), "Hi, I'm griselda and I'm smart!" And the guy replied, deadpan, "Yeah, and you're humble, too." Then I had to ask my mom what humble meant, and I learned about sarcasm, too. My parents thought this was hilarious, told the story lots, and as I got older I found it pretty funny as well.

A well placed, "You know, you are fantastically smart/attractive, but you know what really gives me the hots? Your humble nature." might do the trick - modify to suit your shared sense of humor and how heavy handed you think you need to be. Then, if he slips up after that and brags, push humbleness. "God, you're smart. And humble, too!" If he's open and self aware, he'll probably take the hint and laugh it off, and if he asks you what you mean you can use it as an opening for a straightforward talk. Everybody has their tonedeaf braggart moments.
posted by griselda at 5:01 PM on May 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


"These totally smoking hot women keep hitting on me, it's so annoying."
"Awww honey, are you feeling a bit insecure? Is that why you're always trying to let me know other women fancy you too? Come here, someone needs a cuddle!"

Let him know that this is backfiring and making him sound like a needy child, not a playboy and see how fast he stops. Ick. How unattractive.
posted by Jubey at 5:41 PM on May 24, 2013 [7 favorites]


I (female) used to be like your boyfriend. I honestly think it was a combination of insecurity and immaturity, plus what SpacemanStix describes--wanting my partner to reassure me that I was as cool as I wished I was (and certainly was never confident about).

I finally did realize that first of all, these anecdotes don't exemplify coolness--they're embarrassing and they're not actually behavior that I think of anymore as positive or worthy of admiration and accolades. I'm not sure I can tell you what it was exactly that made me realize that these types of comments were generally not well-received, but I think a big part of it was a particular (now-ex) boyfriend who was highly critical of me in a way that others are suggesting to you here. His comments to me did have an impact, but I couldn't figure out that he was speaking a truth until well after we had split. At the time he just seemed really critical and made me feel like I had to be careful and censor every story I told lest it be taken as a bragging festival of self-centeredness. I often feel like I should get back in touch with him to thank him for making such a big difference in how I now relate and interact in a much more mature and socially appropriate way.

Which is to say, you possibly can help your boyfriend realize how his comments are received and he may well be able to change this behavior. But be prepared for it to mean that he resents your criticism (at least in the short term), and you might not be able to sustain your relationship with him in any kind of permanent way if he's not ready to hear you.
posted by gubenuj at 11:36 PM on May 24, 2013


Ugh, people who do this have a lot of other problems too. I had a boss who used to try to convince me he was a secret genius and had "buddies" (none of them had names) and was cooler and smarter than he really was. I felt really sorry for him, but he had problems controlling his temper so the sympathy waned over time.

It's insecurity but also lack of maturity. His grappling with who he is (which might seem epic to him) is really pitiful because it shows how uncomfortable he is with who he is. The best people to be around are okay with themselves and okay with you.

If he doesn't get how foolish he sounds, then that's probably indicative of a bigger problem. It's embarrassing. It makes you look bad by association, that you're with someone who can't even hear himself.

Honestly though, if he brags that much, he'll probably get mad at you for saying something, so tread carefully.
posted by discopolo at 12:03 AM on May 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


Man turning around and zinging him on it sounds like a recipe for a poisonous relationship, long term. Unless you guys want to make being assholes to each other your dominant mode of conversation, I'd suggest just telling him that it bothers you and why.
posted by empath at 3:11 AM on May 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


Insecurity. He is puzzled and can't quite believe the reality (YOU) he finds wonderful. Probably he's in love with you and can't believe how he got so lucky. Other things have happened and he doesn't quite comprehend his own success. He says these things to you in confidence. He's most likely every bit as wonderful as you think he is, but just hold tight and speak with actions rather than words.

Also, I hope I'm right.
posted by Goofyy at 1:05 AM on May 26, 2013


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