DTMFA!

May 19, 2013 1:00 PM

How to deal with people who constantly complain about their relationship, but take no action?

I have a friend who has been in a blatantly dysfunctional relationship for almost a year. She's aware that she's not the only one he's dating, doesn't trust him, they barely hang out, and she always says how she's not happy and hasn't been happy for awhile, yet...they're still together. I've tried tactfully suggesting that she break up with him, she keeps saying she knows she needs to but never does. At this point, I'm tired of having the same conversation about how terrible he is. My feeling is that if she's not going to take any action then she really has no right to complain about his behavior.

I want to be supportive and I want her to feel like she can talk to me, but I'm rapidly running out of sympathy. How can I tactfully address this?

posted by thank you silence to Human Relations (16 answers total)

"Friend, I feel like we keep having the same conversation. I agree that you should leave your relationship. If you're not ready to yet, that's fine, but I'm here for you when you are. Until then, let's talk about something else."
posted by RainyJay at 1:08 PM on May 19, 2013 [28 favorites]

I know that it will sound crazy, but I would just repeat something along the lines of "Dear friend, we have discussed this and I have told you my opinion. I can't talk about [Bob] or your relationship anymore.I have told you what I think." Rinse,repeat, lather.

A friend told me something along these words and ...I stopped bringing it up in conversation and was not upset about it. He did once tell me "Are you happy? Are you really happy?"when I complained and was upset for the billionth time and I do think part of the reason that I ended it was realizing that I was on an infinite loop and no, I wasn't happy.
posted by Wolfster at 1:08 PM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

I came to say pretty much exactly what RainyJay just wrote.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 1:09 PM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

I've known people who were like this about their jobs. I'm a "take action or at least try to stop complaining" kind of person, so for a long time I didn't get it. Eventually I figured out they didn't hate their jobs, they just loved talking about hating their jobs. Then it was fine, I could calmly listen to them go on about it. (To some degree; eventually, like with any topic that's semi-boring, I'd change the subject.) Your friend doesn't want to break up with her boyfriend, she wants to talk about having a boyfriend, and oh, all the drama. Imagine she's talking about some sport you don't watch, but she's into. Indulge her love of talking about it as much as you're willing, because she's your friend, and then bring up something else.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 1:11 PM on May 19, 2013 [8 favorites]

These things, but also make sure that she has space to talk to you about it if/when her opinion on the subject changes. When my best friend was having a hard time leaving a bad relationship, I spent a lot of time going, "That sounds really hard," and changing the subject, until, rather than complaining, she said, "I think I want to leave him for real this time." At that point, I was able to say, "What would that look like?" and start helping her come up with a strategy. I am glad I didn't either disparage her then-partner or shut down the conversation entirely, because she needed help leaving and I was able to provide that.
posted by linettasky at 1:13 PM on May 19, 2013 [4 favorites]

We do this in a joking way based on When Harry Met Sally. You know, how Carrie Fisher's role is always saying "oh he's never going to leave his wife" and Sally keeps saying "yes, everyone knows that. He IS never going to leave his wife". And I think they have this conversation for years. So...instead of being annoyed just repeat that sort of thing. "I know, you need to break up. I agree. We all know that". Etc, but without emotional engagement, like Meg Ryan in the bookstore, just flipping through titles as Carrie Fisher is going on and on about how "he's never going to leave his wife, I know it".
posted by bquarters at 1:14 PM on May 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's funny, I just had to have this conversation with somebody recently and this is what I said:

"Friend, it makes me sad and frustrated to hear how unhappy you are with your relationship with X. We've talked about it so many times, and I've offered as much advice as I can, but at this point I'm starting to feel like you enjoy being able to complain about this relationship and all that's going wrong with it, and you're not taking any advice to heart. I don't feel like you're being proactive about fixing something you desperately want fixed, and that's hard because you're always complaining about how disappointed you are in X's behavior towards you. I care about you and want you to be happy. Please know I support you and what you do -- but I just don't want to talk about it anymore."
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 1:22 PM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

Some people are only happy in a bad relationship that they can complain about. Tell your friend this and make it plain that you are not prepared to be her sounding board. In my experience this should get her to modify her behaviour. You may lose a friend but thats a risk I would take for my own well being.
posted by BenPens at 1:47 PM on May 19, 2013

I've had to deal with this recently. I phrased it in terms of what I wanted, not mentioning that I thought my friend wasn't handling things the way I thought she should. That was hard because I was really frustrated about her continuing a painful relationship.

I said that it was hard for me to keep hearing about how bad she feels, especially because I saw a repeating cycle of the same patterns in her relationship. I'd hoped that listening would help, but that didn't seem to be happening. I apologized, and said I'd be happy to help when she wanted to make a change -- but that I couldn't keep hearing about the same problems.

I was worried beforehand, and very surprised at how well my friend accepted my request. I think it went well because I was asking her to do something for me.
posted by wryly at 2:00 PM on May 19, 2013

Say, "I'm sorry you are going through this and I do care about you. But, I have given you my advice repeatedly, and only you can change your situation. If you need me to help you put plans into action, I will be there. I don't know what else to tell you. How about those Blue Jays?"
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 2:28 PM on May 19, 2013 [4 favorites]

It sounds like she's playing a game of "ain't it awful" and there isn't really anything deeper going on, in which case it's fine to say you don't want to talk about it any more.

I've written and rewritten a scenario involving my friend, who is a very self-depriving adult and is, I think, an example of someone who is not playing a game of "ain't it awful," rather, I think there's something deeper going on (she was abandoned by her mother as a teen and it's hard not to see a connection). There is no point in my going into detail here, I don't think; suffice it to say you'd probably know it if this were more than a mere game, and this wouldn't have been posed as an etiquette question. In this case, I think a "let's not have this conversation again" style response is enough.
posted by tel3path at 2:29 PM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

I generally take people at face value and I like being helpful. Folks who don't want to change tend to quickly find my sincere attempts to help unpalatable. They generally don't fight with me about. They just get "busy" and can't find time to talk.

Example: Someone I knew at work needed to get divorced but didn't want to. She also did something that simply never flies with me: Said everything was all his fault and then did nothing to leave. So she would whine about Problem and I would helpfully suggest a list of solutions. Her: "Car costs are Killing Me (and this is part of why I cannot get divorced). Gas is too high and my commute is too long and my car is in shop again..." Me: "So move closer to work. Or take one of the company's work-from-home positions. Or get a job closer to home. Or..."

She would back pedal and give me the million and one reasons why Status Quo Is God and I would very sincerely make polite noises about how she knows what is best for herself and I don't have all the details and maybe she can do something about it later. She eventually mostly stopped dumping on me. She did eventually make some minor choices, like trying the work from home option. Hubby eventually did something which forced her hand and divorce proceedings finally went forward, but only after he got fired/arrested/something.

So if you keep naively, sincerely trying to be helpful and problem-solve, she may get tired of your company and go dump on someone else (I get that a lot). Some of it might also sink in and she might thus make a few changes and be better positioned to cope when the doodoo finally hits the fan. I consider that a win-win when it happens. If someone actually does something about their problems because of my feedback, no matter how chronically day late and dollar short, I feel I was a real friend to them even if they clearly were not a real friend to me. If they also mostly get off my back, I am content to accept that it is their life and their choice (and I honestly do not know all the details) and I don't need to fix it.
posted by Michele in California at 3:16 PM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

Maybe the help that your friend needs is a safe place to vent. Maybe your friend is terrified of getting being alone, or there's more to the story. Friend, we've had this conversation about Guy a lot of times. I think you deserve to be treated better, and to be a lot happier. What can I do to help support you? You've been giving the same advice with no results, so maybe try asking what's keeping her from changing, or what she's getting from the relationship.
posted by theora55 at 8:11 PM on May 19, 2013

It doesn't even matter that much if they take action. In my experience, when the complainer eventually breaks up with their partner, they simply move on to complaining non-stop about their ex, for months on end.

My advice is to get some distance. Sorry.
posted by vasi at 11:17 PM on May 19, 2013

Tell her you care about her a lot as a friend, but you are ill equipped to handle these conversations and then get her this book Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and when to Walk Away by Bethany Marshall. Amazing book, she explains in a no-nonsense way why women stick with good-for-nothing men and how to approach it in your relationship, when to walk away, and what to do if you want to stick it out and improve the relationship for the better. She also says when this would be possible, and under what circumstances, or if it will never change and you're basically wasting your time. Definitely an insightful read. And tell her it's best if she reads the book, and if she wants to continue having these conversations with you, you will only do so after she's read it and understands certain aspects about her relationship because you are tired of having the same conversation over and over again.
posted by lunastellasol at 6:22 AM on May 20, 2013

You're going to have to get honest with her. As others here have suggested. "You know, this conversation has been in our top ten rotation for over a year. I'm bored with it. Leave him, stay with him, whatever. I've told you what I think, and you're going to do what you want about it. If and when you leave him, call me and I'll help you move out. Until then, I really don't want to discuss it anymore. You know the relationship isn't working for you, I know it. But until you're ready to make a change, all these conversations do is frustrate me."

There's a scene in the Sopranos where Carmella goes to a shrink. It's one of my favorite moments in television EVER.

Carmela (crying): He's a good man, a good father.


Dr. Krakower: You tell me he's a depressed criminal, prone to anger, serially unfaithful. Is that your definition of a good man?

Carmela: I thought psychiatrists weren’t supposed to be judgmental.

Dr. Krakower: Many patients want to be excused for their current predicament because of events that occurred in their childhood. That’s what psychiatry has become in America. Visit any shopping mall or ethnic pride parade and witness the results.

...You'll never be able to feel good about yourself. You'll never be able to quell the feelings of guilt and shame that you talked about, so long as you're his accomplice.

Carmela: You're wrong about the accomplice part, though.

Dr. Krakower: You sure?

Carmela: All I did was make sure he's got clean clothes in his closet and dinner on his table.

Dr. Krakower: So "enable" would be a more accurate job description for what you do than "accomplice". My apologies...

Take only the children--what's left of them--and go.

Carmela: My priest said I should work with him, help him to become a better man.

Dr. Krakower: How's that going?

Carmela: I would have to get a lawyer, find an apartment, arrange for child support...

Dr. Krakower: You're not listening. I'm not charging you because I won't take blood money. You can't either...One thing you can never say: You haven't been told.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:26 AM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]