Why doesn't he just break up with me?

May 15, 2013 7:06 AM

My partner of four years has suddenly shut down. What gives?

My boyfriend and I have been dating just over 4 years and he seems to be pulling away. At the beginning of our relationship we spent a lot of time together, went out on dates, had a lot of sex and none of that is happening anymore. I barely see him once a week, dates are rare, he doesn't seem interested in things I have to say, we barely even talk much less have sex. I'm a little confused because we have talked in length about our future and now he has suddenly shut down. He refuses to talk about our relationship, our future, "us" in general, and if I push we end up in a fight. I think we are at a cross roads where I want to move the relationship forward (i.e. move in together, marriage, etc) and it looks like he is having second thoughts about all of that.
My question is how do I get him to open up and be honest about his feelings because either way I would really like to know where he stands. I just want clarity but when I say this to him he gets frustrated and shuts down. My gut is telling me that he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but it hurts even more not knowing where we stand. After 4 years with someone, I really do expect more (I say this to him and he says I'm being too pushy). We have a lot of plans for our future but I am wondering if I should just cut my ties at this point or should if maybe this is just a phase and I should back off and give him some time.
If he wants to end the relationship, why wouldn't he just do so? Is he pulling away hoping I will be the one to end it? Obviously, these answers would be best coming from him, but he won't talk to me. Thanks, Metafilter!

posted by aholeinthehead to Human Relations (28 answers total)

If he wants to end the relationship, why wouldn't he just do so?

He almost definitely is doing this by pulling away.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:13 AM on May 15, 2013 [9 favorites]

In a dream world, everyone would be able to perfectly articulate how they're feeling and what they want to their romantic partner. In the real world, unfortunately, not everyone is capable of doing that, and not everyone wants to, either; people dislike conflict. So they let their actions do the talking. It sounds like you have tried to talk to him and he's shutting down. I would probably lay things out for him one more time (I'm feeling confused, you seem very distant lately, I want things with us to move forward but it doesn't seem to be happening, I would like to know where you see things going because I cannot continue things like this), and if you continue getting stonewalled....I think you have your answer. I'm sorry. I hope it all goes well.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:14 AM on May 15, 2013 [13 favorites]

Is he pulling away hoping I will be the one to end it?

Probably. But it's really not fair that he won't even discuss it when you bring it up. I think you need to be prepared to walk away from this relationship if he refuses to communicate with you about it.
posted by amro at 7:14 AM on May 15, 2013 [6 favorites]

I'm sorry. That is awful. I hate to bring it up, but do you think it's possible he is seeing someone else? Alternatively, and slightly less depressingly, he may be having major doubts about going forward and he is avoiding sharing those feelings with you under the mistaken impression that he can shield you from getting hurt while he wrestles through them on his own. There is even the remote chance he is dealing with something that has nothing to do with you. How long has this been going on?

Either way, I think you're going to have to up the stakes. Stop framing the conversation as "What are you feeling, why are you shutting down?" and make it clear that this is a dealbreaker: "This relationship is no longer working for me for these reasons. Whatever is going on with you, we can deal with it together, but if you don't have the courage to discuss it with me, we don't have a future."

This sucks. Four years is a long time, and he's being unbelievably cowardly. Stay strong.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:23 AM on May 15, 2013 [29 favorites]

Difficulty level here is an 8.

When people pull away and what you want is answers and for them to reconnect to you, it's a catch 22. Your need (if expressed in a particular way) will push him further away and your frustration will make him feel like "what's the point?".

If you guys have drifted apart and are too far apart to pull it back together, he probably feels like he's failed you or can't live up to your expectations, or he wants something else and can't find a way to tell you that. Guilt, shame, depression or maybe the spark just fizzled out.

Those insights come from my casual observations of the relationships around me and what people in my life have said about breaking up.

4 years is a lot of time to invest and not have a relationship go somewhere... especially if you have already talked about it going somewhere. I'm not talking about a ring and a kid, I'm talking about spending more time together to test how compatible you really are, moving in together.

If you want to salvage this, I'd approach it from a purely positive standpoint... i.e. "I know the energy in relationships ebbs and flows and right now it feels like we drifted apart. I want to connect again, to put some spark, light, more love and more sex into our thing. What do you think?"

If he can't get on board with that... move on.

If you have fundamentally different ideas about what you want from life and the future, that stuff doesn't magically change. Do the scary thing and walk away and take care of yourself for awhile.
posted by bobdow at 7:25 AM on May 15, 2013 [10 favorites]

We have a lot of plans for our future but I am wondering if I should just cut my ties at this point or should if maybe this is just a phase and I should back off and give him some time.

If saving the relationship is your priority, I think backing off and giving him time sounds like a good idea. It certainly happens that people come back from a period apart and explain that they were depressed or having doubts or something, and the relationship resumes.

Do you want this, though? If he's going to start pushing you away with no explanation and then come back when it suits him, is this something you can deal with in a serious relationship?
posted by BibiRose at 7:26 AM on May 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

A friend of mine was recently forced to break up with her boyfriend of over 3 years because he simply shut down like this. They eventually just stopped talking and the relationship was nonexistent, but she wanted closure so she officially ended it. His response was "ok."

I'm not saying this is where you are headed, but if he isn't able to give you an answer on where you stand after four years together and he shuts down at any "us" talk, maybe he is playing the passive aggressive game with you and waiting for you to pull the plug.

Give him what he wants and stop wasting your time with someone who refuses to talk to you.
posted by allnamesaretaken at 7:26 AM on May 15, 2013 [12 favorites]

Hi there. I'm sorry this is happening. I'd have to agree with the other commenters and say that it sounds like he's pushing you away by shutting down. I've experienced this for myself and observed it in others. My current boyfriend shuts down when we have arguments and he's explained that he does that when he feels overwhelmed by emotions because he doesn't know what to think. He's processing, and it can take days. But eventually he'll talk. So I think there may be something else going on with your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend's behaviour would definitely be a deal breaker for me. Actually that's what I told my BF after one of our fights - I was willing to give him the space to process everything but afterwards we need to talk. He understood and has made changes. If your BF wants to preserve the relationship, he'll have to make an effort. If I were you, I'd ask once last time to speak about the situation because it's important to you. If he refuses - I think it might be time to move on - as painful and sad as that might be. You're not on the same page.

Best of luck!
posted by faraasha at 7:27 AM on May 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

This is known as The Coward's Breakup.

Is he pulling away hoping I will be the one to end it?

Yes. In your shoes I'd get a move on.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:29 AM on May 15, 2013 [47 favorites]

Sometimes the responses we get depend on the way we ask our questions.

His responses seemed extremely defensive, either fighting or shutting down. Perhaps you may want to consider how did you form your questions? Were you able to ask them calmly, without the burden of your hopes and dreams and anger and blame loaded into them?

If you were not able to, that is very understandable. You have feelings too -- hurt, confusion, disappointment, the prospect of all your plans falling to dust before your eyes. It is not easy.

The only way we can get truth is when we come to a discussion free of the things that will hinder truth from coming out. If you can ask him questions from that place, you will have better information, which will help you in making the next move.

Of course, sometimes we can ask our questions in the best possible way, and still can't get truth. The other person has their own burden of fear, confusion, pain, and guilt. But that too, is a true response, related to the situation itself, rather than to the things we bring into our questions.

Either way, good luck.
posted by enlivener at 7:34 AM on May 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

If you wanted to try to give things another chance, you could see what your boyfriend thinks about taking a month long break from each other. Then he would definitely be able to compare being single with being with you and possibly work out issues he is going through. In your head, though, you'd have to treat this as a break up because (I think) it does sound like he is moving that way. I think it would be very hard on you psychologically and might just be postponing and extending the pain of an actual breakup, but you could try it.
posted by onlyconnect at 7:39 AM on May 15, 2013

After 4 years with someone, I really do expect more

And if you're not getting it, it's a pretty clear signal, mmmm?

I would say this: Break it off. It will give him room to think. If he realizes that the relationship is worth something, he'll come back. If not, there's no sense in investing more of your time in it.

My sister-in-law did something like that. After a few months he came back to her and several months after that, they got married. That was about 10 years ago and they're still together.

If he hadn't come back, breaking it off would have been the right move.

Come to think of it, my parents did the same thing and their marriage worked out fine, too.

How long do you wait? If you've broken up with him and something better comes long, there's your answer.
posted by Doohickie at 7:41 AM on May 15, 2013 [4 favorites]

Getting flooded is a real thing, needing some time to process is a real thing. That needs to be honored. But--this is the critical thing--the person who needs the space also needs to own the responsibility for resuming the conversation. Just as its totally unfair to keep pushing someone who is legitimately past their limit, it is equally unfair to leave the upset party totally hanging.

The responsible way to do this is to say that you need a break, briefly explain why, set a time in the not very distant future to resume (an hour? Two? Next day?) an then HONOR THAT.

Most people who pull this stuff aren't that responsible or honorable.

If he won't under any circumstances engage, then cut your losses and move on. I'm sorry, he is incredibly cowardly.
posted by Sublimity at 7:46 AM on May 15, 2013 [6 favorites]

This may not be what is happening, but it reads like it: It's a fucking chickenshit maneuver. He gets to act like a dick and you get to do the heavy lifting of ending the relationship thereby he can then say you broke up with him and ended the four year relationship, he gets to be the good guy and cry on someone shoulders that his girlfriend dumped him.

I am not a woman, I am not in your shoes, but I would be temped in a similar situation to say something along the lines of: "If you won't tell me what is happening in your life and what is going on I have to assume you want the relationship to end but are too frightened to say it. I am not going to fight about it, but I am also not going to try and engage in conversation with someone who refuses to talk to me. So either lets talk without fighting, or the assumption is we are finished."

Then, if he yells, or if he blusters or anything other than talks to you honestly, make sure you have all your stuff from his place and walk out. Take a long weekend, or week, be sad, cry, get drunk with your friends, and don't reply to any advances he may make.
posted by edgeways at 7:49 AM on May 15, 2013 [35 favorites]

Sometimes you get someone who isn't happy who doesn't have the stones to end things. If they wind up ending things, then they have to go through the emotional work of coming to terms with not being able to rely on you anymore, plus go out there into the world and find someone else, which may be tough for them to do if they lack confidence. Plus they "care about you," so the prospect of hurting you is something they can tell themselves they are trying to avoid doing. Plus there's the fear that they may realize down the road that it was a mistake to leave you.

On the other hand, it's easy for the uninvested partner to frame things as though the still-invested partner is some sort of pushy harpy for asking for clarity if the uninvested partner is in denial about their own lack of balls, their insecurities, the instability of their internal preferences, or the fact that two things they want from the world are mutually exclusive. Having to make a definitive choice means having to admit that there's a problem ("I'm immature and my immaturity causes pain to people who get close to me."), and it's sometimes it's easier to avoid. And if all of this causes the still-invested partner stress, they've been cast as a pushy harpy type so it's not quite as bad for the person who's pulling away to live with this. And the uninvested person can tell himself he's a good person because he's "trying to work things out" because he's not breaking up with you.

But if YOU were the one to end things, then your boyfriend wouldn't have to confront his flaws or make the tough decisions.
posted by alphanerd at 7:51 AM on May 15, 2013 [9 favorites]

I don't know if this perspective will help you, but I am answering as a person who sometimes shuts down. I only this when whatever that I am dealing is too much and I need to be able to process the information, without outside people telling me what to conclude. It is a way that I have dealt with conflict, too, and I recognize that it is not the best way to deal with things.

There are 2 suggestions that I have that you could try.

One suggestion would be to take away any language the suggests that you have reached a conclusion and are telling the conclusion. Essentially, wording such as "I really do expect more..." It is okay to want more, but to start what would be a compromise or discussion wih an expectation could be overwhelming. Instead, consider the wording such as "Ideally, I would like more" and then elicit his point of view. Perhaps you both can articulate your vision of what you would each like if you could have your 100% ideal world, but not as an expectation. Then maybe there is a way for both of you to work towards 80% or whatever.

The second suggestion is to give him this time BUT give him a time and date that you would like to discuss it further. So perhaps a week from now, you would like to have a discussion about how you both view the relationship and where you both want to go. Also tell him that you really do need to hear his point of view to help you process the information. It can be a week from now, a few days from now, a month from now, but let him pick a time. Again, speaking as a person who shuts down..it is easy to live in your own world and not recognize that the other person needs to resolve it and may process information in another way - a conversation together. If the conversation goes well and things are resolved, I would verbalize that you need to process things in a conversation and moving forward, it is okay for him to shut down, but give you a date/time as to when it can be discussed.

Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 7:57 AM on May 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

My question is how do I get him to open up and be honest about his feelings because either way I would really like to know where he stands.

You can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. All you can do is decide what you want to do.

I think you should talk to him. Layout how you're feeling, everything you've told us here and that not talking to you, whatever is hurting you. Emphasize that your pain isn't necessarily his business, but after 4 years together you thought it would at least be of concern to him. Also emphasize that you can't go on like this and if he wants out, then it's ok to say so. Make it clear that if he doesn't say anything you will leave him in a week.

Then do that if he stays quiet.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:04 AM on May 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

There could be any one (or several) of a wide variety of reasons for his shutdown. It's not productive to jump to, and assume, the worst case scenario or reason, as you may end up throwing something away that can be fixed. In addition to the reasons other commenters have speculated over; he could be depressed; he could be ill but doesn't want to share this with you; he could be unaware, not realising, that he isn't communicating as much as before. There's a load more reasons, some negative, some benign.

The immediate thing is that the two of you need to talk/communicate about talking/communicating. Not necessarily what the reason(s) are for the shutdown, as you see it. You have to talk about talking. Say "We need to talk. This cannot wait, or drift on like it is now. When and where are good for you?"
posted by Wordshore at 8:08 AM on May 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

If I were in this situation here is what I would do (it sounds like you don't live together, which is such a blessing.) I'd move on as though we're already broken up. He's not wanting to discuss it, and frankly why are you trying to pull teeth?

Don't call him, don't email him, don't engage him at all. You'll find that one of two things will happen, either you will never hear from him again, in which case, you have your answer. Or, he'll call you.

If he calls, I suggest that at your next date or dinner or whatever that you say the following thing, "I think we've reached a crossroads in our relationship, either we're together and we're taking it to the next level which is (moving in together, becoming engaged, fon-fon-ru, whatever the next step means to you). If you're not ready to do that, I think it would be best if we stopped seeing each other."

He'll either be on board and want to move forward, or he won't. If he just wants to keep you as you are now, what's the benefit to you? There is none. Essentially, as it sits now, your relationship as you knew it is over. You're in a Zombie Relationship. You're both going through the motions, but neither of you sounds very happy.

You don't have to settle for less than what you want. Personally, I'd take this opportunity to branch out socially. See your friends more, take a class in something you're interested in, volunteer, workout, bascially, get out of the house and do things that aren't dependent on your waning relationship.

Not everything in life has to be dramatic. Sometimes you can end a 4-year relationship without a word. It will suck, but who needs the drama?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:10 AM on May 15, 2013 [11 favorites]

I have been the one to shut down and pull away in a relationship that had been going on for even longer than yours. In my situation, there were a bunch of things going on, and I think our ability to have a frank conversation about even one of them would have helped a lot, but I am a conflict-avoidant scaredy cat who understated my frustrations, and he was pretty oblivious to the things I was trying to tell him. In case your boyfriend happens to be kind of like me, my advice is to ask yourself whether there are any issues he's ever raised that seemed minor to you but that possibly are actually huge to him.

In my case, some of these issues were things that I brought up to him and that he could have changed: location issues (he lived way out in the suburbs, I lived in and wanted to stay in the city), physical compatibility issues (he wouldn't listen or change what he was doing when I told him I liked/disliked certain things), activity choices (he always wanted to hang out with his friends and drink, and I felt like he didn't listen when I wanted to do other things). Others were things going on in my head that were really hard for me to talk about (loss of religious faith) and which I fully admit I failed to bring up for discussion when I should have but that I let slowly eat away at me and push me away from him.

There are so many explanations for why he might be pulling away, but do stop and ask whether there's anything he's told you quietly/casually that you didn't take very seriously but that might have been him trying to tell you something really significant for him. Some of us just really suck at making ourselves vulnerable by admitting how important certain things are to us.
posted by jessypie at 8:56 AM on May 15, 2013 [5 favorites]

Before deciding it is about you and the relationship, you have to figure out whether something else is going on. Stress at work or in his family? Depression?

I know that when I am depressed, I withdraw. People think I'm avoiding *them*, but I'm avoiding *everything*.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't still end the relationship, since only you can make that determination. But you should do it with as much concrete knowledge as possible.
posted by gjc at 9:35 AM on May 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

You're worried about where you stand, and you want him to spell it out in words. He may never do that. However, you can infer from his behavior where you stand: He doesn't want to interact with you in almost any way, and he is pulling back hard. That IS where you stand; you don't really need him to render it into speech.

And I don't think any ultimatums will mean anything to him. What if you give him an ultimatum like "you have a week to talk to me, or I'm splitting", and he just blinks at you silently and winds down the clock? What'll stop you from just extending the deadline indefinitely? It's totally possible for him to screw with/embarrass you, just by making it obvious that he doesn't care what you do.

As someone who was once in a similar situation with a partner, I recommend that you gather up your dignity and leave this guy with a clean break. I, too, am the kind of person who "shuts down", but I disagree that's what he's doing. He's checking out, not shutting down. And he probably knows that his behavior is screwed-up and crazymaking. He may even hope that he can push you into desperate, pleading behavior, so he can justify pulling back even more. There's a lot of room in this situation for him to humiliate you, so that he can feel better about acting like an child toward you. You don't need to accept being treated this way, or being set up to be the "bad guy".

None of this stuff means your boyfriend is a bad, horrible person. But it does mean that your relationship is probably over. I'd follow Ruthless Bunny's advice.
posted by Coatlicue at 9:35 AM on May 15, 2013 [3 favorites]

Take his feelings out of the equation and ask yourself: is this a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

You aren't engaged and don't live together. The discussion of whether to move the relationship forward from merely dating is likely the first big thing you've had to come to a consensus on, and he's refusing to talk about it. After four years. Are you willing to go through this again and again when it comes to, say, purchasing a vehicle? Planning your wedding? Buying your first home? Contemplating relocating when one of you has a job offer elsewhere? Deciding if and when to have children?

That sounds like hell to me. It would force me into a resentful position where I felt like a nagging harridan in a relationship with a sullen teenager.

Does it sound like hell to you, too?
posted by cirocco at 10:03 AM on May 15, 2013 [8 favorites]

First off, I am very sorry you're going through this. I have been through something very similar and it is one of the most painful ways that someone can end a relationship. And I'm sad to say, I think it is very likely he is ending the relationship.

There is a type of person who is either too immature or too cowardly or perhaps, in a misguided way, too afraid of causing you pain to properly express when they need to get out of a relationship. Instead, they withdraw emotional support, intimacy, and basic communication, which are all things you are entitled to from any person who would call themselves your partner.

Right now all your feelings and all your pain are in his control. You should take them back and give yourself some personal power in this situation. Send him an email or letter and say "This is really hurting me and I'm going to take some time out. If you are interested in talking a month from now, I will listen, but until then I'm going to focus on myself." And then do that. Stop thinking about what he could be thinking or wanting and instead spend 30 days just pampering yourself. Hang out with your friends, do what you enjoy, and don't attempt to contact him. Take his number out of your phone, block him on Facebook, whatever you gotta do. Let him wait for YOU to call for once.

Then you can have a conversation with him, and hopefully you will both be in a better place to be honest with each other. You can tell him what you want, hear what he wants, and go from there. If after 30 days he's still avoiding and withdrawing, then it's time to write him off and move on.
posted by annekate at 1:25 PM on May 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

My ex did this very suddenly after 6 years of cohabitation. He went hot and cold constantly, and he didn't care about hurting my feelings, saying mean and awful, awful things, etc. I was really shocked and cried everyday but he just got annoyed and angrier. It was unlike him. Turned out he had a secret apt for months, was being shady in ways I don't even want to know fully about. He got so abusive after weeks of sulkiness, apologies, mood swings---then he got physical and I was done. I wish he'd just left instead of putting me through the emotional, verbal and physical abuse.

So, whatever is going on w/ your boyfriend/partner, I urge you to set boundaries and NOT allow him to breach them. My ex partner---I thought he was my best friend but the horrible way he treated me and the pain it caused when I thought I was being a caring partner---I will never let anyone treat me like that again, and I urge you to quickly consider your best interests and set your boundaries to head off any abuse that may be in store as he ignores you or vacillates in his commitment to you.

Be good to yourself before trying to be the good partner during this thing.
posted by discopolo at 1:52 PM on May 15, 2013

Is he pulling away hoping I will be the one to end it?

Bingo. If you want clarity, you're going to have to end it with him.
posted by heyjude at 4:59 PM on May 15, 2013

First of all, with regards to a lot of the thoughts here, keep in mind that unhappy customers are typically the loudest customers. Whilst lots of people have been through this situation and had it work out negatively, lots of people have also been through this situation and had it work out positively. So realise that nobody else's situation is your own. There are no answers here, there are only answers there.

You and he need to be able to talk for there to be a future. We may believe that long-term relationships are stable, but in actuality they are not. Each person is changing day-to-day – even subtly – and therefore the relationship is changing.

You cannot force him to talk, but you can create the space for talking to occur. After four years with someone, this something you should know how to do for each other. What are the situations in which you have your Deep Conversations? Where does he feel comfortable sharing emotions.

Some people feel most comfortable sharing things in the house, after a nice dinner and a bottle of wine. Others are best on long walks in the forest, where they can open up after an hour or two. Where do you guys do your talking? Chances are if you look back, you'll see times and places where it happens.

Also, the relationship is not the only thing in your lives. There's work, family, friends, etc. His relationship with himself. It may very well be that he doesn't want to move forward and doesn't know how to handle it. Or it may be that he thinks he's about to get fired. Or he's questioning his general path and direction in life. Who knows? He knows. And it's up to the both of you to create the space for authentic sharing.

As far as when you cut ties, only you know the answer to this. You are both functioning individuals, each capable of self-determination. You cut ties and bail out when the option of leaving is more appealing than the option of staying. Four years is a long time to toss in the bin without some kind of due diligence on what the problem is.

If he remains uncommunicative despite your best efforts, at some point you will have act alone. Whether you are there or not depends on how much investigation you want to do.
posted by nickrussell at 5:56 AM on May 16, 2013

Could there be someone else? Ask him.
posted by Youremyworld at 11:17 PM on May 16, 2013