NOT the Maid of Honor disappointment--swallow or confess
May 13, 2013 7:38 AM Subscribe
This seems petty, but I am sincerely and exorbitantly bummed out (with some jealousy and hurt feelings to boot) that MY best friend didn't choose me to be her maid of honor. I'm clearly the next-in-line bridesmaid, but I haven't as of yet achieved many positive feelings about the honor I've received, but would like to, and as quickly as possible.
(Let me say first that she chose a longer-established childhood friend, not a sister, which I would have accepted very easily.) So what am I asking? I'm jealous; I'm hurt; I was a little surprised. I was even more hurt because she announced it in one of those cute "Will you be my bridesmaid?" letters in the mail rather than over the phone. Lastly, I should say that I'm going through a breakup of a 3 year relationship at present (it has only been a couple weeks) so I'm not emotionally at my best and this just makes me extra sad when I'm sitting here thinking about how it would have been a boost to be chosen. This sounds stupid, but this is another thing that is making me feel a bit alone and rejected just now, you know?
What I'm trying to ask is how to handle this as gracefully as possible. Part of me thinks I need to have a good cry and unload-my-feelings session with her (this is how I normally get over hurt feelings, by confessing them with total honesty. I almost never keep my feelings secret from people I'm close to, and everyone knows and seems to accept this about me. Do I tell her I'm sad and disappointed but I'm going to get over it asap and be an awesome bridesmaid? Or can I successfully swallow this and leave this an unstated disappointment between us (I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel, just because she would)? Advice? (There's almost a year to the wedding date so I have some time to address my feelings and I'm sure they'll be less fresh soon, etc.)
(Let me say first that she chose a longer-established childhood friend, not a sister, which I would have accepted very easily.) So what am I asking? I'm jealous; I'm hurt; I was a little surprised. I was even more hurt because she announced it in one of those cute "Will you be my bridesmaid?" letters in the mail rather than over the phone. Lastly, I should say that I'm going through a breakup of a 3 year relationship at present (it has only been a couple weeks) so I'm not emotionally at my best and this just makes me extra sad when I'm sitting here thinking about how it would have been a boost to be chosen. This sounds stupid, but this is another thing that is making me feel a bit alone and rejected just now, you know?
What I'm trying to ask is how to handle this as gracefully as possible. Part of me thinks I need to have a good cry and unload-my-feelings session with her (this is how I normally get over hurt feelings, by confessing them with total honesty. I almost never keep my feelings secret from people I'm close to, and everyone knows and seems to accept this about me. Do I tell her I'm sad and disappointed but I'm going to get over it asap and be an awesome bridesmaid? Or can I successfully swallow this and leave this an unstated disappointment between us (I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel, just because she would)? Advice? (There's almost a year to the wedding date so I have some time to address my feelings and I'm sure they'll be less fresh soon, etc.)
This is your problem, not hers. DO NOT unload your hurt feelers on the bride! You get over it by getting over it...like an adult. You are making a huge deal out of nothing...
posted by txmon at 7:45 AM on May 13, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by txmon at 7:45 AM on May 13, 2013 [12 favorites]
I would mourn this one privately, don't unload on your friend. There's a chance she didn't choose you as her maid of honor because she knows you are going through a difficult time, and she wants someone she can really lean on emotionally, and not someone who is going to need a lot of support herself. Being a bridesmaid is a huge honor, she's not ranking her friends, try to remember that.
posted by bonheur at 7:45 AM on May 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by bonheur at 7:45 AM on May 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
Part of me thinks I need to have a good cry and unload-my-feelings session with her
You can cry, but you can't unload your feelings onto her. This is her choice to make. She has enough to worry about without including your reaction to what is essentially her choice.
Or can I successfully swallow this and leave this an unstated disappointment between us
Yep. That's part of respecting other people's decisions. It's only one day. You'll get over it.
posted by saeculorum at 7:45 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
You can cry, but you can't unload your feelings onto her. This is her choice to make. She has enough to worry about without including your reaction to what is essentially her choice.
Or can I successfully swallow this and leave this an unstated disappointment between us
Yep. That's part of respecting other people's decisions. It's only one day. You'll get over it.
posted by saeculorum at 7:45 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry you're having a bad time lately. Weddings are the pits, right? Have you seen "Bridesmaids"? It's kind of the same situation Kristin Wig is in in the film. You could, like her character, try to out-do the maid of honor at the bridal shower by sharing as many inside jokes and funny stories about the bride as you can, but that's probably not the most graceful way. You could also think on how there's almost no practical difference between the maid of honor and regular bridesmaid, other than more work. Or you could talk about it with your friend, although I might suggest trying to do the crying thing first privately to get that out of the way so you're not putting that on her. Although you might think about what you expect her to do about it- if it were me and the bride tried to do anything (giving me a special role, "better" title, etc) to make me feel better, it would only make me feel worse.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:47 AM on May 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:47 AM on May 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
Having been bridesmaid in a number of weddings, though, I have to say that, honestly, it's no great honor. There's always work involved (hours of pictures, at the very least, and sometimes grunt work) that makes it less fun than just being a guest and being drunk the whole time.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:48 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:48 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Jeez Louise, don't mention it. There is so much drama and angst for the couple in planning a wedding, and so much history and relationship dynamics behind every decision that it's like a storyline from Game of Thrones.
It is in no way a referendum on you. With all loving kindness, lovingkindess, you need to get over your disappointment here.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:49 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
It is in no way a referendum on you. With all loving kindness, lovingkindess, you need to get over your disappointment here.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:49 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
It is her wedding not yours. The chosen one is her "longer-established" (than you) childhood friend. She may be a closer friend of the bride than you, even if the bride is in fact your closest friend. The bride may well have agonized over this choice, but she had to make it, she did, and you need to get a grip and live with it. Do not breathe a word about this to her, or to anyone else through whom it might get back to the bride, or it will most likely affect your future relationship. It would be grossly unfair of you to expect her help in getting over this by unloading your feelings to her. Everyone may "know and accept" about you that you don't keep your feelings secret (or you may think that they accept it), but in this case, keep it to yourself.
posted by beagle at 7:49 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by beagle at 7:49 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
No, of course you don't unload this on her. It's her wedding and it's about her, not about you. (Sorry. I know it must be rough to deal with this during a breakup.)
In terms of re-framing the situation, would it help at all to remember that the MoH has a number of responsibilities and expenses that the regular bridesmaids don't have to deal with? Personally I'm pretty happy to escape organizing parties, dealing with bridesmaid drama, etc.
Also, if this is a childhood friend, it might be worth remembering that she may have promised the friend a role of MoH before she even met you.
posted by pie ninja at 7:50 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
In terms of re-framing the situation, would it help at all to remember that the MoH has a number of responsibilities and expenses that the regular bridesmaids don't have to deal with? Personally I'm pretty happy to escape organizing parties, dealing with bridesmaid drama, etc.
Also, if this is a childhood friend, it might be worth remembering that she may have promised the friend a role of MoH before she even met you.
posted by pie ninja at 7:50 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
Yeah, I would suggest you talk to someone else about this. The bride already has a lot on her plate and must make these kinds of decisions all the time, and face the repercussions through the wedding planning process. You don't know what behind-the-scenes wrangling went on here (e.g. maybe this childhood friend is also the daughter of her father's best friend, or maybe they made a pact when they were 5 and she's honoring that, whatever...)
It's totally understandable to be sad about this (I've been through it myself), but in this case, air this laundry with another friend, not the bride, and then be supportive of the bride on her big day.
I guess the upshot is that you don't have to decide whether to get the penis straws or the custom bride-to-be tshirts? :)
posted by absquatulate at 7:51 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's totally understandable to be sad about this (I've been through it myself), but in this case, air this laundry with another friend, not the bride, and then be supportive of the bride on her big day.
I guess the upshot is that you don't have to decide whether to get the penis straws or the custom bride-to-be tshirts? :)
posted by absquatulate at 7:51 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
You just have to let it go. Picking the wedding party and maid of honor/best man leads to a lot of weirdness. I've been hurt. I've seen other people hurt. It's best just to let it go and not read too much into it. I had one friend not include me and I was quite surprised. Then it turned out she felt obligated to have all of her old childhood friends as bridesmaids to appease her family who was close with all of their families and because she had been bridesmaid in two of their weddings. It was particularly shocking after I found out she actively disliked two of them. Weddings are weird. Seriously. You just have to let it go.
posted by whoaali at 7:51 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by whoaali at 7:51 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
The maid of honor has work to do. It is very, very easy for a bride to wreck a friendship during the planning of a wedding, especially with someone who is involved in putting the wedding together. Count yourself lucky.
posted by kindall at 7:52 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by kindall at 7:52 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Cry, yes! But not to the bride. Ideally to a friend (or sister or whatever) who is part of a different friend group from the bride.
posted by mskyle at 7:52 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 7:52 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
MOH only sounds like a 'tremendous honor' until you have to plan the bachelorette party, referee the guest list, squee over a bunch of ugly dresses, go pick up the cake, and deal with your oldest friend going plainly nuts for months.
My sister and her MOH got in a fight the morning of the wedding and have not spoken for nineteen years... five years longer than the marriage.
Your emotional reaction is collateral from your breakup. You have my sympathies. Take the advice of your fellow MeFites and deal with your emotions separately from the bride.
posted by Kakkerlak at 7:54 AM on May 13, 2013 [15 favorites]
My sister and her MOH got in a fight the morning of the wedding and have not spoken for nineteen years... five years longer than the marriage.
Your emotional reaction is collateral from your breakup. You have my sympathies. Take the advice of your fellow MeFites and deal with your emotions separately from the bride.
posted by Kakkerlak at 7:54 AM on May 13, 2013 [15 favorites]
Be sure to show some loving kindness to yourself right about now.
posted by bleep at 7:54 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by bleep at 7:54 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
(I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel, just because she would)?
Don't assume she does. This has a particular symbolism for you right now that she may be completely missing. And just think: a year from now, at the actual wedding, you will likely be in a totally different place in your life and it will be some other member of the wedding party that's having to muscle through the day because of some recent heartbreak. You'll feel really good that you didn't let it get in the way.
posted by BibiRose at 7:55 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Don't assume she does. This has a particular symbolism for you right now that she may be completely missing. And just think: a year from now, at the actual wedding, you will likely be in a totally different place in your life and it will be some other member of the wedding party that's having to muscle through the day because of some recent heartbreak. You'll feel really good that you didn't let it get in the way.
posted by BibiRose at 7:55 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Let me say first that she chose a longer-established childhood friend
If you don't mind my saying so, let me point out that your friend made the right call, here. This is probably someone she planned on making her MoH since she was a teenager. I am sure you are very close with the bride. I, for one, regard some of my college and grad school friends as people akin to family. But you have to learn to accept the fact that there is something about the long time childhood friends you have that is essentially inaccessible to you, and that is what will end up getting someone chosen as a MoH. You should be thrilled to be the "first runner up" bridesmaid, and that's a testimony to how close a friend you are in the bride's life. In fact, that is what you should tell her-- that you are so happy that she picked you to be a bridesmaid and share in her special day, and you should accept the fact that the bride had a whole life of her own that existed before you guys met and that this is something she treasures. The wedding will be a great opportunity for you to learn about this part of her life.
posted by deanc at 7:56 AM on May 13, 2013 [25 favorites]
If you don't mind my saying so, let me point out that your friend made the right call, here. This is probably someone she planned on making her MoH since she was a teenager. I am sure you are very close with the bride. I, for one, regard some of my college and grad school friends as people akin to family. But you have to learn to accept the fact that there is something about the long time childhood friends you have that is essentially inaccessible to you, and that is what will end up getting someone chosen as a MoH. You should be thrilled to be the "first runner up" bridesmaid, and that's a testimony to how close a friend you are in the bride's life. In fact, that is what you should tell her-- that you are so happy that she picked you to be a bridesmaid and share in her special day, and you should accept the fact that the bride had a whole life of her own that existed before you guys met and that this is something she treasures. The wedding will be a great opportunity for you to learn about this part of her life.
posted by deanc at 7:56 AM on May 13, 2013 [25 favorites]
This isn't about you. It's about her. By all means have a pity party, but don't bring your friend into it.
Being a Maid of Honor or a Bridesmaide...UGH!~ I only had my sister for just this reason.
No one over the age of 21 even thinks of this as an honor. Most of my friends were THRILLED not to be asked to be in my wedding party.
You're just emotionally raw and you're not seeing this in the correct light. That's okay, feel how you feel, but it would be selfish of you to dump your emotional mess on your friend.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:57 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Being a Maid of Honor or a Bridesmaide...UGH!~ I only had my sister for just this reason.
No one over the age of 21 even thinks of this as an honor. Most of my friends were THRILLED not to be asked to be in my wedding party.
You're just emotionally raw and you're not seeing this in the correct light. That's okay, feel how you feel, but it would be selfish of you to dump your emotional mess on your friend.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:57 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't share this with the bride, but you might want to talk it through with another friend or family member who is not involved in this wedding at all (not involved so it doesn't get back to the bride). Sometimes just talking things through with some random person relieves so much of the burden of hurt feelings you have.
As bonheur mentions, the bride might be trying to spare you some hurt feelings in the long run. Being the maid of honor often means doing a lot of duties that might sort of rub your face in your own relationship status. Helping the bride pick her dress, helping the bride get into her dress, going down the rabbit hole of conversation about the stresses that the wedding planning is placing on their relationship, if it does. It can be a really difficult role to play when you have just been through a break up. She may honestly be trying to spare your feelings somewhat, just as you might not want to ask someone who you know is having infertility problems to throw you a baby shower, because it could be hurtful to them and you love them. Anyway, good luck.
posted by onlyconnect at 7:58 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
As bonheur mentions, the bride might be trying to spare you some hurt feelings in the long run. Being the maid of honor often means doing a lot of duties that might sort of rub your face in your own relationship status. Helping the bride pick her dress, helping the bride get into her dress, going down the rabbit hole of conversation about the stresses that the wedding planning is placing on their relationship, if it does. It can be a really difficult role to play when you have just been through a break up. She may honestly be trying to spare your feelings somewhat, just as you might not want to ask someone who you know is having infertility problems to throw you a baby shower, because it could be hurtful to them and you love them. Anyway, good luck.
posted by onlyconnect at 7:58 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
This seems petty
It is.
I'm jealous; I'm hurt; I was a little surprised.
Won't kill you.
Advice?
Keep reminding yourself whose day it is (hint: not yours).
posted by flabdablet at 8:01 AM on May 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
It is.
I'm jealous; I'm hurt; I was a little surprised.
Won't kill you.
Advice?
Keep reminding yourself whose day it is (hint: not yours).
posted by flabdablet at 8:01 AM on May 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
Echoing onlyconnect and kindall. In fact my first thought was, she probably didn't want to give you any thing to do that might potentially stress you out or make you unhappy, especially given the fact that you've just gone through a difficult break-up. It strikes me as a sensitive and kind thing to do.
posted by Ziggy500 at 8:01 AM on May 13, 2013
posted by Ziggy500 at 8:01 AM on May 13, 2013
In terms of re-framing the situation, would it help at all to remember that the MoH has a number of responsibilities and expenses that the regular bridesmaids don't have to deal with? Personally I'm pretty happy to escape organizing parties, dealing with bridesmaid drama, etc.
Seconding this. It's possible that your friend went with someone else for the Maid of Honor because she wanted to spare you an enormous amount of work.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:02 AM on May 13, 2013
Seconding this. It's possible that your friend went with someone else for the Maid of Honor because she wanted to spare you an enormous amount of work.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:02 AM on May 13, 2013
I think you should think of all the good reasons why the bride may have chosen the other woman. Logic yourself into acceptance -- but it's still perfectly okay to have the feelings you do.
1) Was she the maid of honor at childhood friend's wedding? (reciprocity)
2) Have they planned on being each other's maids of honors since childhood?
3) It can be expensive to be a maid of honor, more so than being a bridesmaid. Are you broke, and bride didn't want to put this burden on you? Alternately, is childhood friend more set up financially to handle this burden?
4) Do you know her family, and if so do you get on well? A wedding sometimes has politics like placating mom/groom.
5) Did she know this was something you even wanted? Perhaps childhood friend made it clear she wanted to be the MOH.
6) Alternately, if you both expressed your desire to be MOH, is childhood friend more sensitive than you? If she had to hurt someone, perhaps she chose the person who would take it in stride better so she didn't ruin a friendship.
7) Do you like her fiancé and openly approve of their union, or have you expressed criticisms about their relationship? Perhaps she wants someone who is fully supportive.
8) If her fiancé someone she has known since childhood? If MOH has also known groom since childhood, that could be a factor.
9) Who is the best man? Is there any way this could have influenced the choice?
10) As others have said, you just went through a breakup. Perhaps bride wanted to spare your feelings when you're going through such a hard time.
Lastly, the MOH isn't necessarily chosen based on who is the bride's closest friend. There a plenty of other factors that may go into it -- so don't take it as an insult and think you aren't as good friends as you thought. Figure out what some of those factors are and hopefully you'll feel better about it.
posted by DoubleLune at 8:07 AM on May 13, 2013 [12 favorites]
1) Was she the maid of honor at childhood friend's wedding? (reciprocity)
2) Have they planned on being each other's maids of honors since childhood?
3) It can be expensive to be a maid of honor, more so than being a bridesmaid. Are you broke, and bride didn't want to put this burden on you? Alternately, is childhood friend more set up financially to handle this burden?
4) Do you know her family, and if so do you get on well? A wedding sometimes has politics like placating mom/groom.
5) Did she know this was something you even wanted? Perhaps childhood friend made it clear she wanted to be the MOH.
6) Alternately, if you both expressed your desire to be MOH, is childhood friend more sensitive than you? If she had to hurt someone, perhaps she chose the person who would take it in stride better so she didn't ruin a friendship.
7) Do you like her fiancé and openly approve of their union, or have you expressed criticisms about their relationship? Perhaps she wants someone who is fully supportive.
8) If her fiancé someone she has known since childhood? If MOH has also known groom since childhood, that could be a factor.
9) Who is the best man? Is there any way this could have influenced the choice?
10) As others have said, you just went through a breakup. Perhaps bride wanted to spare your feelings when you're going through such a hard time.
Lastly, the MOH isn't necessarily chosen based on who is the bride's closest friend. There a plenty of other factors that may go into it -- so don't take it as an insult and think you aren't as good friends as you thought. Figure out what some of those factors are and hopefully you'll feel better about it.
posted by DoubleLune at 8:07 AM on May 13, 2013 [12 favorites]
A breakup can really damage one's self-esteem and I bet had you been named maid of honor it would've given you a boost because it singles you out as being special. Perhaps that's why this hurts? Either way, your friend obviously felt you were important enough to be in her wedding. You are special to her.
I bet if you give yourself some time you won't be so upset about this. Asking an older friend to be maid of honor is very legitimate and expected,
I wouldn't unload on your friend because I really, really doubt you'll feel the same way about this in a year or even a few months.
posted by girlmightlive at 8:08 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I bet if you give yourself some time you won't be so upset about this. Asking an older friend to be maid of honor is very legitimate and expected,
I wouldn't unload on your friend because I really, really doubt you'll feel the same way about this in a year or even a few months.
posted by girlmightlive at 8:08 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
As a former bride here, I think DoubleLune's list is quite good. There's a LOT of things that go into choosing a maid of honor that goes beyond "Who's my best friend?". I picked my husband's sister over 3 other people who I am much closer to (who were my bridesmaids) because I now live in a different country from them and it struck me as a nice gesture. I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally and trust me as a former bride and bridesmaid, I think it's more fun as a bridesmaid!
posted by like_neon at 8:13 AM on May 13, 2013
posted by like_neon at 8:13 AM on May 13, 2013
Whew! You're sure going through a lot of rough crap now. Good thing you don't have to get bogged down in the M-O-H details and chores. Smile, buy the pretty dress, support your friend and party at the reception but DON'T stress about details, toasts or dealing with Bridezilla dramz.
I suggest sitting down with the bride and any other good friends. Drink some wine and cry over the breakup -- I think that might be what's really bothering you and that you perceive extra rejection from this situation because of it. Good luck, hope you feel better soon.
posted by mibo at 8:15 AM on May 13, 2013
I suggest sitting down with the bride and any other good friends. Drink some wine and cry over the breakup -- I think that might be what's really bothering you and that you perceive extra rejection from this situation because of it. Good luck, hope you feel better soon.
posted by mibo at 8:15 AM on May 13, 2013
Aww, I am so sorry. I totally understand how you feel and the added emotional trauma of disengaging from a longterm relationship is most certainly exacerbating a very valid and understandable disappointment. Nobody should tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do, because there's nothing wrong with feeling hurt over not being chosen. Your job is to take care of your reaction to this hurt, though, and I agree with everyone else who says that you could sincerely hurt your relationship with your best friend by making an issue of this, particularly when you have other stuff going on that may make the conversation even more strained and intense.
Your friend clearly loves you and counts you as an important member of her life or she wouldn't have included you in her wedding party at all, and it IS possible for someone to have multiple best friends. You do not get a monopoly on her love or attention just because the two of you are best friends now! It really sounds like there was a long-standing promise between your bestie and the friend who now will be acting as the MOH. That's their business, not yours. You should allow yourself to feel sad and disappointed for a day at max, but after that you need to be firm with yourself and the part of your psyche that's wounded right now so that you do not unfairly assume that the rejection occurring in your mind regarding the end of your romantic relationship is also playing out with your best friend.
And if you're still having a hard time not feeling resentful, try spending 5-10 minutes thinking sincerely loving thoughts towards your best friend until the resentment passes. It's okay to feel what you feel -- it's not okay in this case to act on those feelings, which is why the advice to you so far has been "fuhgeddaboutit".
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:16 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Your friend clearly loves you and counts you as an important member of her life or she wouldn't have included you in her wedding party at all, and it IS possible for someone to have multiple best friends. You do not get a monopoly on her love or attention just because the two of you are best friends now! It really sounds like there was a long-standing promise between your bestie and the friend who now will be acting as the MOH. That's their business, not yours. You should allow yourself to feel sad and disappointed for a day at max, but after that you need to be firm with yourself and the part of your psyche that's wounded right now so that you do not unfairly assume that the rejection occurring in your mind regarding the end of your romantic relationship is also playing out with your best friend.
And if you're still having a hard time not feeling resentful, try spending 5-10 minutes thinking sincerely loving thoughts towards your best friend until the resentment passes. It's okay to feel what you feel -- it's not okay in this case to act on those feelings, which is why the advice to you so far has been "fuhgeddaboutit".
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:16 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
I get where you're coming from, but you can't bring this up with the bride.
No one, however, should chide you for being upset or a little hurt. It hurts when someone you care about doesn't feel about you the way you feel about them.
It's a matter, at this point, as to how you carry this. The right thing to do is mourn this one privately.
posted by PsuDab93 at 8:17 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
No one, however, should chide you for being upset or a little hurt. It hurts when someone you care about doesn't feel about you the way you feel about them.
It's a matter, at this point, as to how you carry this. The right thing to do is mourn this one privately.
posted by PsuDab93 at 8:17 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
My closest friend in high school was my Maid of Honor. I had moved far away, gone to college, fell in love and decided to get married at the sweet, young age of 23. We had not seen each other since the summer after senior year and I had closer and more immediate friends that I could have asked to be MOH. But, when we were younger I told her that if I ever got married, she would be my maid of honor. And I wanted to make good on that. So, maybe let's assume that there was a similar sentimental factor at play here and that should make you feel better. If she ever asks you, you are allowed to say, somewhat abashedly that, "yeah, I was a little bummed that you didn't pick me but I'm so happy for you and excited to stand by you and witness this major milestone and life commitment -- your friend is awesome and don't think any more about it."
Also, this might be a good time to examine why you feel it's good and cathartic to unload your emotions on people when you feel slighted. It's a little narcissistic to subject people to a big cry session over your feelings. Everyone is trying to just get by in their own lives and you really can't know what other people are dealing with. The only people that ever allowed you to dump and unload without (too many) consequences were your parents, when you were four. Think about that next time. The huge, dramatic cry session may make you feel better but it makes other people feel like crap (even your parents).
posted by amanda at 8:21 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Also, this might be a good time to examine why you feel it's good and cathartic to unload your emotions on people when you feel slighted. It's a little narcissistic to subject people to a big cry session over your feelings. Everyone is trying to just get by in their own lives and you really can't know what other people are dealing with. The only people that ever allowed you to dump and unload without (too many) consequences were your parents, when you were four. Think about that next time. The huge, dramatic cry session may make you feel better but it makes other people feel like crap (even your parents).
posted by amanda at 8:21 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
maybe you can mention it to the bride after the wedding if it is still bothering you then. it might be easier to keep it to yourself if you know you will be able to talk it out with her at some point, just not now. and by then you might not feel the need to talk about it anymore.
posted by katieanne at 8:24 AM on May 13, 2013
posted by katieanne at 8:24 AM on May 13, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks for the consensus, and supportive or kind words from many. I'd like to mention that I asked for advice on what to do, not opinions on what anyone thinks of how I function as a friend or as an emotional person. There was some unnecessary insensitivity here, it seems to me, and I don't usually find that on this site unless it is solicited (like even if I had asked "am I being petty here?", which I did not).
posted by lovingkindness at 8:28 AM on May 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by lovingkindness at 8:28 AM on May 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
As a young-ish person planning a wedding, the reason I asked my MOH instead of some longer-term friends had a lot to do with the fact that she's the only one who's actually gotten married before, and is also a crazy good person with logistics. I don't really see it as a bigger honor; I'm mainly touched that I have so many great friends who will stand up with me during the wedding. If I found out that someone were upset about their role, I would be really hurt, but I might try to explain more about how I see the different roles and why they themselves mean so much to me at every point during our lives, not just on that one date.
I would say give it a little time. You're in a rough place emotionally, and it sounds like you've been hurt by a lot of different aspects in your life right now. Maybe have a good cry session with a non-mutual friend, just to get over the cathartic aspects, and then see if there's anything that's still bothering you about your relationship with your engaged friend?
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:38 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would say give it a little time. You're in a rough place emotionally, and it sounds like you've been hurt by a lot of different aspects in your life right now. Maybe have a good cry session with a non-mutual friend, just to get over the cathartic aspects, and then see if there's anything that's still bothering you about your relationship with your engaged friend?
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:38 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do whatever you need to do to get your feelings out, BUT don't involve your friend. Or anyone else in the wedding, for that matter. If you have close friends in a totally separate social circle, lean on them for a little bit; they can listen to you and sympathize without being forced to take sides.
It is totally okay and understandable and normal to feel hurt about this. But approaching the bride isn't going to be productive; there's nothing she can do about it besides feel bad. She didn't make this decision to hurt you. She can't change her mind, because that would involve hurting the other friend, and there's probably no explanation or apology that she can give right now that would make you feel better.
I think it is fine for you to tell her, later, if you're the sort of friends who tell each other everything, and if she's noticed you've been distant or not like yourself and you think she deserves an explanation. But only after you've worked through your feelings and gotten to the point where you're okay with this. You want to be able to tell her something like "I was upset at first that you didn't pick me to be your MOH, but I've gotten over that. If I seemed a little weird about it I apologize, because I didn't want to take it out on you. I understand why you chose Childhood Friend, and anyway I'm thrilled to be in your wedding party" - and you have to be able to mean this, without a trace of resentment or passive-aggressiveness.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:51 AM on May 13, 2013
It is totally okay and understandable and normal to feel hurt about this. But approaching the bride isn't going to be productive; there's nothing she can do about it besides feel bad. She didn't make this decision to hurt you. She can't change her mind, because that would involve hurting the other friend, and there's probably no explanation or apology that she can give right now that would make you feel better.
I think it is fine for you to tell her, later, if you're the sort of friends who tell each other everything, and if she's noticed you've been distant or not like yourself and you think she deserves an explanation. But only after you've worked through your feelings and gotten to the point where you're okay with this. You want to be able to tell her something like "I was upset at first that you didn't pick me to be your MOH, but I've gotten over that. If I seemed a little weird about it I apologize, because I didn't want to take it out on you. I understand why you chose Childhood Friend, and anyway I'm thrilled to be in your wedding party" - and you have to be able to mean this, without a trace of resentment or passive-aggressiveness.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:51 AM on May 13, 2013
And one more reason to choose one person as maid of honor over another: location. If you friend is marrying in her hometown, choosing a maid of honor who is local to the hometown can be useful to the bride. If things like showers and bachelorette parties and the wedding itself are all happening in the hometown and you and the bride live someplace else, having a "man on the ground" is really really useful.
I know if I tried to get married in my hometown where I haven't lived in more than 20 years, I'd be looking at my potential bridesmaids for someone who was in touch with the area better than me.
I'm sorry you're not her maid of honor. You are obviously a very good friend and want to be there for her for her wedding. I think you can still be that very good friend and be there for her even if you lack the title of Maid Of Honor. Go find someone to vent to about the situation - preferably not someone who will go and tell you friend - get it out of your system as much as possible. It sounds like things are craptastic right now if your life and I am sending you hugs because no one needs another layer of crap when things are bad.
posted by sciencegeek at 8:56 AM on May 13, 2013
I know if I tried to get married in my hometown where I haven't lived in more than 20 years, I'd be looking at my potential bridesmaids for someone who was in touch with the area better than me.
I'm sorry you're not her maid of honor. You are obviously a very good friend and want to be there for her for her wedding. I think you can still be that very good friend and be there for her even if you lack the title of Maid Of Honor. Go find someone to vent to about the situation - preferably not someone who will go and tell you friend - get it out of your system as much as possible. It sounds like things are craptastic right now if your life and I am sending you hugs because no one needs another layer of crap when things are bad.
posted by sciencegeek at 8:56 AM on May 13, 2013
Advice on what to do:
Email or call her and say, "Thanks so much for asking me to be your bridesmaid! It's an honor, and I would be happy to. I'm so excited to be part of your wedding. This is going to be great!"
And leave it at that.
posted by htid at 9:02 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Email or call her and say, "Thanks so much for asking me to be your bridesmaid! It's an honor, and I would be happy to. I'm so excited to be part of your wedding. This is going to be great!"
And leave it at that.
posted by htid at 9:02 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Weddings are so fraught. Even super-simple weddings still end up with little landmines. Consider being the bride and having to rank your friends - it's awful, and it's also one of 200 wedding-related decisions with no right answers that she's having to make. At some point you just have to say screw it, we'll do it like X and move on.
This is zero about you and everything about weddings. You just can't say anything to her, it's not fair to her and it will make you that person, possibly forever.
If you do have someone who either knows nobody involved (best option) or is a super-super secret-keeper, you can ask them for a vent session just to get it off your chest. If you don't have someone you can do that with, maybe give yourself an afternoon to go for a long walk and have an imaginary fight about it, as long as you agree to fight both sides.
It is, actually, in Bridal Party Calculus, appropriate to give the MOH to the oldest friend. But these days, really, so much responsibility gets heaped on the MOH (basically Second Party-Planner) and it is time consuming and expensive and stressful and an unpleasant strain on the relationship. What you're reading as a slight might actually be her not wanting to put that crap on you.
I would certainly encourage you to wait and see before deciding this is a personal judgement. There's never going to be a good time to tell your friend you don't like her decision, and it will be potentially friendship-ending to do so. Sometimes, in adult relationships, we have to give each other some slack because very few things are black-and-white in life. There's a difference between her deliberately hurting you and her making the best decisions for herself even if you don't like them. This may be one of those times where you just have to dig up a bunch of slack and hope she'll return the favor when you need it one day.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:02 AM on May 13, 2013
This is zero about you and everything about weddings. You just can't say anything to her, it's not fair to her and it will make you that person, possibly forever.
If you do have someone who either knows nobody involved (best option) or is a super-super secret-keeper, you can ask them for a vent session just to get it off your chest. If you don't have someone you can do that with, maybe give yourself an afternoon to go for a long walk and have an imaginary fight about it, as long as you agree to fight both sides.
It is, actually, in Bridal Party Calculus, appropriate to give the MOH to the oldest friend. But these days, really, so much responsibility gets heaped on the MOH (basically Second Party-Planner) and it is time consuming and expensive and stressful and an unpleasant strain on the relationship. What you're reading as a slight might actually be her not wanting to put that crap on you.
I would certainly encourage you to wait and see before deciding this is a personal judgement. There's never going to be a good time to tell your friend you don't like her decision, and it will be potentially friendship-ending to do so. Sometimes, in adult relationships, we have to give each other some slack because very few things are black-and-white in life. There's a difference between her deliberately hurting you and her making the best decisions for herself even if you don't like them. This may be one of those times where you just have to dig up a bunch of slack and hope she'll return the favor when you need it one day.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:02 AM on May 13, 2013
Since your screen name is "lovingkindness", I conjecture this term has some meaning for you, so perhaps it may help to meditate on the ideas behind it.
The greatest gift we can give to anyone is love. To love with kindness is to love without consideration of one's self. When we put ourselves into our love, we inevitably attach conditions, which creates expectations. When these expectations are not met, we suffer disappointment, disillusionment, we are hurt. All of these in turn affect our ability to love, sometimes, stop us from being able to love at all. This is why when we love selfishly -- that is, when we put our ego into love -- ultimately the only one we hurt is ourselves.
Perhaps it may help to think on the several conditions you have attached to your feelings for your friend:
- She is "MY best friend", a title which created in her the duty to chose you as maid-of-honor. When she has not, you felt her action devalued your entire relationship.
- You suffer jealousy, which is the result of possessiveness.
- Finally, you are currently sad and vulnerable. Very understandably, to sooth yourself, you created a joyful fantasy that by participating in her wedding, in that particular position, you will be distracted from your sadness. As several people have already pointed out, the reality of being maid-of-honor is a lot of work and much stress. Perhaps thinking on this may help you realize that much of your desire and disappointment comes from the wish escape your current suffering, rather than your friendship.
None of this is meant to cast judgment upon you. Merely, when we suffer, it is often caused by our own unexamined thoughts and feelings.
If she is your best friend, the best wedding gift you can give her is your undiluted love and joy that she is about to embark on a brand-new adventure in life. Telling her your sadness would not improve your current relationship, would add stress for her in an already-stressful situation, and may even permanently affect your future relationship. If she is your best friend, and you would like to continue being so, work on these feelings that are currently hurting you, mourn for your lost 3-year relationship, be kind and compassionate to yourself for hurting so much right now, and treat yourself the way you would a suffering loved one. Recognize that these feelings are more about you than her, and... let them go. Participate in her wedding.
It is a beautiful thing to be invited to such a celebration, let alone being clearly the next-in-line bridesmaid. Contemplate being grateful that you have such a close friend at all. The alternative could be that you have none.. I find being grateful is the best antidote for sadness and disappointment.
Good luck.
posted by enlivener at 9:13 AM on May 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
The greatest gift we can give to anyone is love. To love with kindness is to love without consideration of one's self. When we put ourselves into our love, we inevitably attach conditions, which creates expectations. When these expectations are not met, we suffer disappointment, disillusionment, we are hurt. All of these in turn affect our ability to love, sometimes, stop us from being able to love at all. This is why when we love selfishly -- that is, when we put our ego into love -- ultimately the only one we hurt is ourselves.
Perhaps it may help to think on the several conditions you have attached to your feelings for your friend:
- She is "MY best friend", a title which created in her the duty to chose you as maid-of-honor. When she has not, you felt her action devalued your entire relationship.
- You suffer jealousy, which is the result of possessiveness.
- Finally, you are currently sad and vulnerable. Very understandably, to sooth yourself, you created a joyful fantasy that by participating in her wedding, in that particular position, you will be distracted from your sadness. As several people have already pointed out, the reality of being maid-of-honor is a lot of work and much stress. Perhaps thinking on this may help you realize that much of your desire and disappointment comes from the wish escape your current suffering, rather than your friendship.
None of this is meant to cast judgment upon you. Merely, when we suffer, it is often caused by our own unexamined thoughts and feelings.
If she is your best friend, the best wedding gift you can give her is your undiluted love and joy that she is about to embark on a brand-new adventure in life. Telling her your sadness would not improve your current relationship, would add stress for her in an already-stressful situation, and may even permanently affect your future relationship. If she is your best friend, and you would like to continue being so, work on these feelings that are currently hurting you, mourn for your lost 3-year relationship, be kind and compassionate to yourself for hurting so much right now, and treat yourself the way you would a suffering loved one. Recognize that these feelings are more about you than her, and... let them go. Participate in her wedding.
It is a beautiful thing to be invited to such a celebration, let alone being clearly the next-in-line bridesmaid. Contemplate being grateful that you have such a close friend at all. The alternative could be that you have none.. I find being grateful is the best antidote for sadness and disappointment.
Good luck.
posted by enlivener at 9:13 AM on May 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
I've been in your shoes! I know how you feel. Here is what I did. I did my utmost to take the high road and not make it the bride's problem. I just soldiered in with a smile and handled it as best I could, apparently totally happy to be a bridesmaid at all, because I love her. How absurd it felt later when she was the one crying and saying to me, "I should have chosen you as my Maid of Honor!" and I still had to take the high road, "Oh no, honey, it's fine!" Years later we are still friends.
The one time I was Maid of Honor? Oh god. It was the worst. I was a stranger to everyone, the bride's newer friends all hated me for being chosen, the groom and his family were mean and the whole thing was a debacle. I could write thousands of words to detail exactly how fucked up that weekend was - but the upshot? Years later we are not still friends.
It hurts, but it's one of those hurts you have to take sometimes. If you love your friend, try to think long term. Take the high road. And be grateful you don't have to organize the bachelorette party.
posted by tomboko at 9:18 AM on May 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
The one time I was Maid of Honor? Oh god. It was the worst. I was a stranger to everyone, the bride's newer friends all hated me for being chosen, the groom and his family were mean and the whole thing was a debacle. I could write thousands of words to detail exactly how fucked up that weekend was - but the upshot? Years later we are not still friends.
It hurts, but it's one of those hurts you have to take sometimes. If you love your friend, try to think long term. Take the high road. And be grateful you don't have to organize the bachelorette party.
posted by tomboko at 9:18 AM on May 13, 2013 [6 favorites]
I sort of went through this last year; my long-distance bestie initially chose someone who lived closer to her, someone who is actively involved in her day-to-day life, to be her MOH -- completely understandable, although I will confess that my innermost seekrit heart emitted a brief pang of something akin to jealousy/hurt when she told me. However, she is literally the only human being on earth that I trust, so I knew she was making the decision that was best for her; my only job is to support those decisions and love her with every ounce of my being.
Fortunately, after my brief moment of silent angst had passed, my ONLY input from then on out was a very genuine outpouring of undying support, because that is what besties are for. "Bestie, you do whatever you want to do, and I will be by your side no matter what. This is YOUR day. Us folks in your wedding party, is OUR job to make sure YOUR day goes as spectacularly as your heart desires. If your heart desires me to don a clown costume and make animal balloons for guests, I will do that. If your heart desires that I stand out on the street directing cars into the allotted parking lot and then leaving before the ceremony, I will do that. If your heart desires that I do not even attend your wedding at all, I will do that. I am at your service!"
If she's really your very very very best friend in the world, by which I mean your no-holds-barred, 100% truthful bestie, if you will seriously throw down for this bitch forever no matter what, then you just need to step back and let her make the decision that she wants to make. She is certainly not trying to hurt you, and you will still be a huge part of her special day. If it makes you feel better, start volunteering to pick up work shifts -- there will be a lot of tiny, annoying tasks that can be done, and the more of these you can take off the hands of the MOH and bride, the better. TRUST ME ON THIS.
I can empathize with your plight; I am also a relentless crier/confessor, and tend to barf my feelings all over everyone pretty much no matter what. In addition, I was going through the breakup of a nine-years-and-I-thought-this-would-be-forever relationship throughout pretty much the entirety of my bestie's wedding planning process. Privately, it was the lowest I'd ever felt. BUT. As soon as her engagement news hit, I knew that the absolute most important thing in my life was that I had long ago promised to ride or die for this hoe no matter what, so my only job became to constantly remind her that I would be absolutely thrilled to be involved in her wedding (or not) in any way she saw fit (or not), and that I would do absolutely anything in my power to assist her at any time, even if it meant taking an emergency cross-country flight to help fold and stamp invitations or whatever.
Please do not tell her that you are sad or disappointed -- it will make her feel guilty, and this situation is the very definition of It's Not About You. Plus, you don't want the already-chosen MOH to be suddenly rejected in order for you to be chosen instead, right? That would be all kinds of awkward and weird.
Instead, just tell your best friend that you are thrilled, grateful, and honored to be a part of her special day -- because you are! Your best friend is getting married, OMG! It is super-exciting that she is in love and has found someone with whom she wishes to spend the rest of her life. This is cause for lots of celebration, a dash of wistful melancholy as you get tipsy on pre-wedding mimosas and remember How It Used To Be, and maximum fun.
NB My best friend did end up choosing me to be the 'official' MOH; this duty differentiated me from the rest of the wedding party only in that I was asked to be a witness/sign the marriage certificate and also asked to give a speech. Other than that, my bestie's set of bridesmaids acted as a singular unit, and the sum of our parts was truly something to behold -- based on our various strengths and weaknesses, we morphed into devourers of busywork, arrangers of flowers, installers of lighting units, lifters of skirts so the bride could use the restroom, distractors of various and sundry familial units, fillers of champagne glasses, etc.
Thankfully, the actual nitty-gritty MOH duties were fulfilled by the amazing ladies and one dude who were actually in the trenches, so to speak, rather than living 2,000 miles away like me. After all was said and done, the wedding was, honestly, the most fun I have ever had in my entire life. I made friendships for life with the rest of the bridesmaids, most of whom I barely knew beforehand. It was a fairly transcendental experience, and one that I now know would not have been lessened in any way if I had been "just" a bridesmaid rather than the 'official' MOH.
My advice is simply to nurse your wounds privately, offer your unbridled love and support publicly, get to know your fellow bridesmaids and MOH, pitch in and lend a hand whenever you have the chance, and have a wonderful time at the wedding. Good luck, lots of love!
posted by divined by radio at 9:33 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Fortunately, after my brief moment of silent angst had passed, my ONLY input from then on out was a very genuine outpouring of undying support, because that is what besties are for. "Bestie, you do whatever you want to do, and I will be by your side no matter what. This is YOUR day. Us folks in your wedding party, is OUR job to make sure YOUR day goes as spectacularly as your heart desires. If your heart desires me to don a clown costume and make animal balloons for guests, I will do that. If your heart desires that I stand out on the street directing cars into the allotted parking lot and then leaving before the ceremony, I will do that. If your heart desires that I do not even attend your wedding at all, I will do that. I am at your service!"
If she's really your very very very best friend in the world, by which I mean your no-holds-barred, 100% truthful bestie, if you will seriously throw down for this bitch forever no matter what, then you just need to step back and let her make the decision that she wants to make. She is certainly not trying to hurt you, and you will still be a huge part of her special day. If it makes you feel better, start volunteering to pick up work shifts -- there will be a lot of tiny, annoying tasks that can be done, and the more of these you can take off the hands of the MOH and bride, the better. TRUST ME ON THIS.
I can empathize with your plight; I am also a relentless crier/confessor, and tend to barf my feelings all over everyone pretty much no matter what. In addition, I was going through the breakup of a nine-years-and-I-thought-this-would-be-forever relationship throughout pretty much the entirety of my bestie's wedding planning process. Privately, it was the lowest I'd ever felt. BUT. As soon as her engagement news hit, I knew that the absolute most important thing in my life was that I had long ago promised to ride or die for this hoe no matter what, so my only job became to constantly remind her that I would be absolutely thrilled to be involved in her wedding (or not) in any way she saw fit (or not), and that I would do absolutely anything in my power to assist her at any time, even if it meant taking an emergency cross-country flight to help fold and stamp invitations or whatever.
Please do not tell her that you are sad or disappointed -- it will make her feel guilty, and this situation is the very definition of It's Not About You. Plus, you don't want the already-chosen MOH to be suddenly rejected in order for you to be chosen instead, right? That would be all kinds of awkward and weird.
Instead, just tell your best friend that you are thrilled, grateful, and honored to be a part of her special day -- because you are! Your best friend is getting married, OMG! It is super-exciting that she is in love and has found someone with whom she wishes to spend the rest of her life. This is cause for lots of celebration, a dash of wistful melancholy as you get tipsy on pre-wedding mimosas and remember How It Used To Be, and maximum fun.
NB My best friend did end up choosing me to be the 'official' MOH; this duty differentiated me from the rest of the wedding party only in that I was asked to be a witness/sign the marriage certificate and also asked to give a speech. Other than that, my bestie's set of bridesmaids acted as a singular unit, and the sum of our parts was truly something to behold -- based on our various strengths and weaknesses, we morphed into devourers of busywork, arrangers of flowers, installers of lighting units, lifters of skirts so the bride could use the restroom, distractors of various and sundry familial units, fillers of champagne glasses, etc.
Thankfully, the actual nitty-gritty MOH duties were fulfilled by the amazing ladies and one dude who were actually in the trenches, so to speak, rather than living 2,000 miles away like me. After all was said and done, the wedding was, honestly, the most fun I have ever had in my entire life. I made friendships for life with the rest of the bridesmaids, most of whom I barely knew beforehand. It was a fairly transcendental experience, and one that I now know would not have been lessened in any way if I had been "just" a bridesmaid rather than the 'official' MOH.
My advice is simply to nurse your wounds privately, offer your unbridled love and support publicly, get to know your fellow bridesmaids and MOH, pitch in and lend a hand whenever you have the chance, and have a wonderful time at the wedding. Good luck, lots of love!
posted by divined by radio at 9:33 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
You have two questions:
1. Do I tell my friend? - I think you have received a lot of good advice so far, but I did want to comment a bit about your practice of "confession with total honesty". Confession is wonderful if it is in fact confession and not merely "unloading my feelings" (your words). On this point, I must join in the commenters who say that you must not share your feelings about this with the bride or with any person who could let her know. Talk to a friend in another timezone, a priest, a stranger in a bar or on Chatroulette. You get the idea. Your handle is lovingkindess, so be loving and kind to your friend.
2. "can I successfully swallow this?" - This is harder because I have not the slightest idea and neither does anyone else here. "I almost never keep my feelings secret" is not encouraging, but for the sake of your friend, you need to. Emotional self-regulation is generally considered not only a sign of social maturity, but required for society to exist. That you talk about "keeping feelings secret" indicates that you think on the balance, it is generally better to broadcast emotions. If this is the case, that belief may bear some examination. In any event, the good news is that the wedding is almost one year away, so you have a good amount of time to process your feelings. It may be worth considering if any of the feelings arise from pride or pity; those sorts of feelings generally are not good for us.
FWIW, I think your opening of "This seems petty" seeks the same confirmation of "am I being petty here?" That may not have been your intention to ask, but I think it is reasonable that some commenters read your question that way.
posted by Tanizaki at 9:42 AM on May 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
1. Do I tell my friend? - I think you have received a lot of good advice so far, but I did want to comment a bit about your practice of "confession with total honesty". Confession is wonderful if it is in fact confession and not merely "unloading my feelings" (your words). On this point, I must join in the commenters who say that you must not share your feelings about this with the bride or with any person who could let her know. Talk to a friend in another timezone, a priest, a stranger in a bar or on Chatroulette. You get the idea. Your handle is lovingkindess, so be loving and kind to your friend.
2. "can I successfully swallow this?" - This is harder because I have not the slightest idea and neither does anyone else here. "I almost never keep my feelings secret" is not encouraging, but for the sake of your friend, you need to. Emotional self-regulation is generally considered not only a sign of social maturity, but required for society to exist. That you talk about "keeping feelings secret" indicates that you think on the balance, it is generally better to broadcast emotions. If this is the case, that belief may bear some examination. In any event, the good news is that the wedding is almost one year away, so you have a good amount of time to process your feelings. It may be worth considering if any of the feelings arise from pride or pity; those sorts of feelings generally are not good for us.
FWIW, I think your opening of "This seems petty" seeks the same confirmation of "am I being petty here?" That may not have been your intention to ask, but I think it is reasonable that some commenters read your question that way.
posted by Tanizaki at 9:42 AM on May 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
I'm sorry that you're hurting. Weddings bring out a lot of feelings in people and they're not always the loving, happy kind. Can you have a good cry and unload your feelings session with another friend? You could write an email or letter to your friend and then not send it. Get all of the bad feelings out somehow. Crying in the shower is a choice of mine when necessary.
I would be inclined afterwards to try to be the best bridesmaid I can be. But if you're not up to being The Best Bridesmaid, you can always just be yourself. Presumably she asked you to be a bridesmaid and not Katherine Heigl's character in 27 Dresses. Try to remind yourself that this is about the bride and ask what you would want her to do if your roles were reversed (unless you would want her to tell you. Nice try :-)).
I think you can deal with this. The wedding is a year away. Perhaps when you feel like telling her, you can repeat some type of mantra like, "this is about her, not about me." Remind yourself that you love her and you're lucky to be able to celebrate her special day with her as a bridesmaid.
posted by kat518 at 10:19 AM on May 13, 2013
I would be inclined afterwards to try to be the best bridesmaid I can be. But if you're not up to being The Best Bridesmaid, you can always just be yourself. Presumably she asked you to be a bridesmaid and not Katherine Heigl's character in 27 Dresses. Try to remind yourself that this is about the bride and ask what you would want her to do if your roles were reversed (unless you would want her to tell you. Nice try :-)).
I think you can deal with this. The wedding is a year away. Perhaps when you feel like telling her, you can repeat some type of mantra like, "this is about her, not about me." Remind yourself that you love her and you're lucky to be able to celebrate her special day with her as a bridesmaid.
posted by kat518 at 10:19 AM on May 13, 2013
This is the second time today I'm posting a comment to the effect of "Maybe the Real Issue isn't what you're posting about but this Other Thing?" but I'm wondering whether you felt like your friend was there for you as much as you would have liked after your breakup?
If not, understand it most likely isn't because she doesn't care, but it could be because she didn't realize how hurt you were/are, or know what to do. Try to let go of the MoH thing, but if there's any truth to the above, you would certainly not be out of line to say something like, "Hey I know this is a really busy time for you, but I've been feeling really down and lonely recently since [Jerkface] and I broke up, and could really use a girls night or something."
posted by Asparagus at 10:22 AM on May 13, 2013
If not, understand it most likely isn't because she doesn't care, but it could be because she didn't realize how hurt you were/are, or know what to do. Try to let go of the MoH thing, but if there's any truth to the above, you would certainly not be out of line to say something like, "Hey I know this is a really busy time for you, but I've been feeling really down and lonely recently since [Jerkface] and I broke up, and could really use a girls night or something."
posted by Asparagus at 10:22 AM on May 13, 2013
A bride's choices about the wedding - who to have in their wedding, who should stand up with them as bridesmaids, who to ask to be the maid of honor - are not making any statements about who her best friends are, who she would be the first to call up with good news, whose shoulder she would want to cry on with bad news. There's no need to feel that your friendship with her is threatened or that she is trying to indicate to you that she values you less. There is a huge amount of context to the decisions in choosing a wedding party, and "how much I love and trust my friend lovingkindness" is not the only part of that decision.
It probably wasn't meant as an insult; if you choose to take it as one, it's probably best not to tell the bride about it. Work through your feelings on your own, and give it some time. There's been a lot of support of the "Be the Best Bridemaid You Can Be" strategy, but honestly, the wedding is a year away, you can temporarily forget the whole bridesmaid thing, the bridesmaids don'treally have jobs right now anyway. Be the best friend you can be, and the question of who's standing where in line might stop seeming so important.
posted by aimedwander at 10:29 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
It probably wasn't meant as an insult; if you choose to take it as one, it's probably best not to tell the bride about it. Work through your feelings on your own, and give it some time. There's been a lot of support of the "Be the Best Bridemaid You Can Be" strategy, but honestly, the wedding is a year away, you can temporarily forget the whole bridesmaid thing, the bridesmaids don'treally have jobs right now anyway. Be the best friend you can be, and the question of who's standing where in line might stop seeming so important.
posted by aimedwander at 10:29 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Whether to tell depends on the relationship that the two of you have, and also your perception of how she's doing/feeling with all this wedding stuff right now. I am in the middle of wedding planning (it's happening next month) and find it stressful and unpleasant, so hearing that I had upset a member of the wedding would probably freak me out unless it was delivered in a very gentle way.
I also, like you, tend to tell people bluntly when my feelings are hurt, so if I did tell her (depending once again on how you talk to each other and what you perceive her stress level is with the planning), I'd probably say something like "I wanted to ask you for a little reassurance. You know I've been going through this breakup so I feel a little emotionally sensitive right now. You're my best friend and for some reason the 'ranking' of the maid of honor-slash-bridesmaid system made me feel a little like I was less of a friend to you than I thought I was. I know that is dumb, and I know there are a million reasons to pick someone as your maid of honor that don't have to do with your BEST FRIEND EVER, but I just wanted to tell you how much I love you, and I wanted to ask you to rub my head a little and tell me you love me too." With a focus on the ideas "I am not mad" and "I am not asking you for anything but a little reassurance, while emphasizing that I know I'm being a bit sensitive."
Another thing to consider is that "best friend" can be a tricky thing to determine among adults. Is my best friend the one non-family-member I've got on auto-dial? The one I've been super close to since I was a tween? The one who had me be the maid of honor -- or the one whose wedding ceremony I officiated? The one who asked me to be godparent to their child? The one who we have matching tattoos? When these aren't all the same person, how do we decide "best"? When we don't have an obvious "best," how do we decide to rank our friends on stage at our weddings? I'm just saying this because I just went through thinking about this, and I realized I have deep meaningful love for a lot of people, and they don't rank all that simply. So please consider you may be this woman's best friend in the sense that you're her #1 autodial secret-keeping bosom friend, but the other lady may just seem more appropriate in a different way (i.e. the #1 in all-life-standing-by-since-fourth-grade, or the one who is the closest with her family), and that in real life we don't rank one friend-love as necessarily better or more meaningful than another.
posted by feets at 10:32 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I also, like you, tend to tell people bluntly when my feelings are hurt, so if I did tell her (depending once again on how you talk to each other and what you perceive her stress level is with the planning), I'd probably say something like "I wanted to ask you for a little reassurance. You know I've been going through this breakup so I feel a little emotionally sensitive right now. You're my best friend and for some reason the 'ranking' of the maid of honor-slash-bridesmaid system made me feel a little like I was less of a friend to you than I thought I was. I know that is dumb, and I know there are a million reasons to pick someone as your maid of honor that don't have to do with your BEST FRIEND EVER, but I just wanted to tell you how much I love you, and I wanted to ask you to rub my head a little and tell me you love me too." With a focus on the ideas "I am not mad" and "I am not asking you for anything but a little reassurance, while emphasizing that I know I'm being a bit sensitive."
Another thing to consider is that "best friend" can be a tricky thing to determine among adults. Is my best friend the one non-family-member I've got on auto-dial? The one I've been super close to since I was a tween? The one who had me be the maid of honor -- or the one whose wedding ceremony I officiated? The one who asked me to be godparent to their child? The one who we have matching tattoos? When these aren't all the same person, how do we decide "best"? When we don't have an obvious "best," how do we decide to rank our friends on stage at our weddings? I'm just saying this because I just went through thinking about this, and I realized I have deep meaningful love for a lot of people, and they don't rank all that simply. So please consider you may be this woman's best friend in the sense that you're her #1 autodial secret-keeping bosom friend, but the other lady may just seem more appropriate in a different way (i.e. the #1 in all-life-standing-by-since-fourth-grade, or the one who is the closest with her family), and that in real life we don't rank one friend-love as necessarily better or more meaningful than another.
posted by feets at 10:32 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was in a friend's wedding a little over a year ago where I wasn't the maid of honor. At first, I was sad.... but only for a second. She was very practical - she chose two girls were serious list makers to share the job and they were perfect for it. I have a demanding job and the work I did end up doing was still pretty intense...I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had to do more. They also understood the cultural stuff around her family better than I did for ethnic reasons, even though I had known her longer. I really saw that during the wedding and it changed my perspective.
Even better, it turns out not being MOH was AWESOME! While they set up mason jar flower arrangements and made tiny sandwiches, I got to pick up the bride and drive her to the parties singing in the car, have sleepovers with her and basically get even closer to her than we'd ever been while they soldiered through the boring details. I helped her figure out her something borrowed, I purchased her garters, I walked her to her room the last night of her unmarried life and gave her a final hug...basically I got all the best stuff while list maker 1 and 2 had to do all the crap. Did I get to make the speech at the wedding? No, but I had everything else. I know what we shared was so much better...and their speech bombed to boot.
Is there symbolism around the title? Of course...but it's also a job title. You're still loved and chosen - try not to let the imaginary fluff around the title stop you from really grabbing onto this moment with your best friend and having an amazing time. I did and it was perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.
posted by amycup at 11:18 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Even better, it turns out not being MOH was AWESOME! While they set up mason jar flower arrangements and made tiny sandwiches, I got to pick up the bride and drive her to the parties singing in the car, have sleepovers with her and basically get even closer to her than we'd ever been while they soldiered through the boring details. I helped her figure out her something borrowed, I purchased her garters, I walked her to her room the last night of her unmarried life and gave her a final hug...basically I got all the best stuff while list maker 1 and 2 had to do all the crap. Did I get to make the speech at the wedding? No, but I had everything else. I know what we shared was so much better...and their speech bombed to boot.
Is there symbolism around the title? Of course...but it's also a job title. You're still loved and chosen - try not to let the imaginary fluff around the title stop you from really grabbing onto this moment with your best friend and having an amazing time. I did and it was perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.
posted by amycup at 11:18 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'd like to mention that I asked for advice on what to do, not opinions on what anyone thinks of how I function as a friend or as an emotional person.
My advice -- especially based on your username -- would be to meditate on what a difficult choice this might have been for her. She might have agonized over this; she might have feared that you would have this exact emotional response. I don't say that to make you feel guilty, but rather to see if you can find a place of compassion and tenderness for her in this. Planning a wedding is stressful, and there are many relationships and expectations to manage in the midst of it. Your friend is doing the best she can, as are you. Give yourselves both a break.
posted by scody at 12:06 PM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
My advice -- especially based on your username -- would be to meditate on what a difficult choice this might have been for her. She might have agonized over this; she might have feared that you would have this exact emotional response. I don't say that to make you feel guilty, but rather to see if you can find a place of compassion and tenderness for her in this. Planning a wedding is stressful, and there are many relationships and expectations to manage in the midst of it. Your friend is doing the best she can, as are you. Give yourselves both a break.
posted by scody at 12:06 PM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
My oldest, and (at the time) closest, friend got married, and asked his baby brother to be his best man. I was hurt. Baby brother was barely out of his teens, and the only part of the best man job he pulled off was "not puking". I did all the rest: had spare cufflinks, a champagne bottle ready in the men's changing room for us to toast, wrote a toast for brother to say, even reshoed his bride at the end of the night when he was staggeringly drunk, and then cleaned up.
Somewhere in the night my buddy drunkenly told me he should have picked me as his best man, and felt bad about it. I told him to forget about it. And that made it all better. :)
But if it hadn't, what kind of a dick would I have to be to make him feel bad about his wedding decisions? It's his wedding, not mine. I'm lucky that he wanted me to be there; there are guests at every wedding who are "must-invite"s.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:50 PM on May 13, 2013
Somewhere in the night my buddy drunkenly told me he should have picked me as his best man, and felt bad about it. I told him to forget about it. And that made it all better. :)
But if it hadn't, what kind of a dick would I have to be to make him feel bad about his wedding decisions? It's his wedding, not mine. I'm lucky that he wanted me to be there; there are guests at every wedding who are "must-invite"s.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:50 PM on May 13, 2013
I was a bit miffed when I was not a bridesmaid recently, and I realized that:
-My friend and I have a great relationship, but we have different relationship than she had with her bridesmaids. And that's okay.
-My life is crazy busy at times and somewhat unstable, and I think if she did consider me to be a bridesmaid, she was probably worried it would be a burden on me/I'd fuck up.
-At the end of the day, I came through for her in ways that I'm sure she appreciated, her wedding was a blast, and there are no hard feelings on my end.
The important, adult thing to do is to make peace with your friend's decision, not let it affect your friendship with her, and enjoy the hell out of the wedding and bridesmaid stuff.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:55 PM on May 13, 2013
-My friend and I have a great relationship, but we have different relationship than she had with her bridesmaids. And that's okay.
-My life is crazy busy at times and somewhat unstable, and I think if she did consider me to be a bridesmaid, she was probably worried it would be a burden on me/I'd fuck up.
-At the end of the day, I came through for her in ways that I'm sure she appreciated, her wedding was a blast, and there are no hard feelings on my end.
The important, adult thing to do is to make peace with your friend's decision, not let it affect your friendship with her, and enjoy the hell out of the wedding and bridesmaid stuff.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:55 PM on May 13, 2013
MOH only sounds like a 'tremendous honor' until you have to plan the bachelorette party, referee the guest list, squee over a bunch of ugly dresses, go pick up the cake, and deal with your oldest friend going plainly nuts for months.
This, times a million. The Bride/MOH dynamic can be really hard on a friendship, and she may have chosen to give the burden *ahem* HONOR to someone else who is emotionally better equipped to deal with all the planning and headaches right now, freeing you up to enjoy the fun parts.
I was the MOH at my friend's wedding and while she was super laid back and not at all a Bridezilla, it was still super stressful. I spent the whole evening running around after her, doing all the unglamorous, thankless stuff like cleaning, packing, making sure she didn't lose anything and stuff wasn't getting broken, making sure the DJ didn't forget to announce things at the right times, etc. She spent the evening partying it up with all her other friends and guests, and hardly said two words to me the whole night. There are no pictures of us dancing together or doing anything fun. That sucked, but I figured she sees me all the time and wanted to spend the time with people she didn't see as often, sucked it up, and did my MOH duties. I never breathed a word of my feelings to her, because what would be the point?
I'm so glad my friend had a great time at her wedding, but man was I ever glad when it was over. I was glad our conversations could finally revolve around something other than the wedding, and we could hang out doing something besides DIYing and planning for the wedding. You're still an important member of the bridal party so you'll still have to deal with a lot of the crap, but there's much less pressure on you to be perfect and totally knock things out of the park. Try to enjoy it and have fun!
posted by keep it under cover at 1:44 PM on May 13, 2013
This, times a million. The Bride/MOH dynamic can be really hard on a friendship, and she may have chosen to give the burden *ahem* HONOR to someone else who is emotionally better equipped to deal with all the planning and headaches right now, freeing you up to enjoy the fun parts.
I was the MOH at my friend's wedding and while she was super laid back and not at all a Bridezilla, it was still super stressful. I spent the whole evening running around after her, doing all the unglamorous, thankless stuff like cleaning, packing, making sure she didn't lose anything and stuff wasn't getting broken, making sure the DJ didn't forget to announce things at the right times, etc. She spent the evening partying it up with all her other friends and guests, and hardly said two words to me the whole night. There are no pictures of us dancing together or doing anything fun. That sucked, but I figured she sees me all the time and wanted to spend the time with people she didn't see as often, sucked it up, and did my MOH duties. I never breathed a word of my feelings to her, because what would be the point?
I'm so glad my friend had a great time at her wedding, but man was I ever glad when it was over. I was glad our conversations could finally revolve around something other than the wedding, and we could hang out doing something besides DIYing and planning for the wedding. You're still an important member of the bridal party so you'll still have to deal with a lot of the crap, but there's much less pressure on you to be perfect and totally knock things out of the park. Try to enjoy it and have fun!
posted by keep it under cover at 1:44 PM on May 13, 2013
Yeah, I was the MOH for my best friend's wedding. I was a very incompetent MOH. Finally I told the other bridesmaids that I'd be the purse and I'd pay for whatever they organized. One of the other bridesmaids stepped up and was the unofficial leader. Thank God.
Being an MOH is a sentimental title. Much of the time, it's something you give your childhood bestie. It really doesn't mean anything else besides the fact that she's rewarding a relationship's longeivity.
It has very little to do with you. I know that you're hurt, but she's juggling a lot of crazy decisions and she made whatever was most comfortable for her. To tell you the truth, the only thing you're missing is a buttload of work.
posted by orangutan at 1:55 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Being an MOH is a sentimental title. Much of the time, it's something you give your childhood bestie. It really doesn't mean anything else besides the fact that she's rewarding a relationship's longeivity.
It has very little to do with you. I know that you're hurt, but she's juggling a lot of crazy decisions and she made whatever was most comfortable for her. To tell you the truth, the only thing you're missing is a buttload of work.
posted by orangutan at 1:55 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Have you considered that the bride and her longer term friend might have promised MOH to each other years ago? Have you considered that the families involved, especially the mothers, might have had something to do with the bride's choices?
The best advice is repeated several times up thread: the wedding is not about you. Smile and be happy to be included by your friend.
posted by Cranberry at 2:18 PM on May 13, 2013
The best advice is repeated several times up thread: the wedding is not about you. Smile and be happy to be included by your friend.
posted by Cranberry at 2:18 PM on May 13, 2013
Big hugs to you. I don't think you should tell the bride. But I do think you should express yourself in other appropriate ways, and not try to 'swallow' feeling hurt. Like others suggest, meditate on it, maybe write out your feelings on a piece of paper and burn it/rip it up to get the feelings out. If you have a friend or family member that's not involved with the situation, cry to her/him... I bet it really hurts to feel passed over, and that it REALLY seems like telling her will be the best thing... but in this situation, no, it REALLY will not, and it will make the situation feel much worse. weddings are just weird. they bring out the weirdest in everyone involved. you will be much happier later for not having mentioned it, especially while you are so emotionally charged.
(2nding watching Bridesmaids because it's so funny and I think you would enjoy the laugh right now!)
posted by NikitaNikita at 3:24 PM on May 13, 2013
(2nding watching Bridesmaids because it's so funny and I think you would enjoy the laugh right now!)
posted by NikitaNikita at 3:24 PM on May 13, 2013
I guess that breaking up with your BF of three years is losing someone who was central to your life, and you were central to his. To on top of that 'find out' that you are not as central to your best friend's life as you thought you were, you are not only 'after' her new husband but also 'after' her chosen MOH, can feel brutal.
I guess that some of your sadness about this is less to do with the actual honors of the wedding and more to do with feeling destabilized and alone and wondering who you can really count on in your life.
I think that you should tell your friend the truth about what's going on with you, but the deeper truth, that you feel sad and lonely and maybe a little scared. You don't even have to mention the maid of honor/bridesmaid thing because it's really besides the point. I think you shouldn't mention it. I think you should just be her friend and let her be your friend. But don't put all the burden on her because it doesn't belong there. Take care of yourself in other ways and get support from other places as well.
I put 'find out' and 'after' in scare quotes on top because I think they're not really true, but it can feel that way. And working through your feelings and finding your balance again is what's really important. Then you will be able celebrate her wedding really full of happiness of her and the whole moh/bridesmaid thing will be such a little thing (as it actually is).
posted by Salamandrous at 10:28 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I guess that some of your sadness about this is less to do with the actual honors of the wedding and more to do with feeling destabilized and alone and wondering who you can really count on in your life.
I think that you should tell your friend the truth about what's going on with you, but the deeper truth, that you feel sad and lonely and maybe a little scared. You don't even have to mention the maid of honor/bridesmaid thing because it's really besides the point. I think you shouldn't mention it. I think you should just be her friend and let her be your friend. But don't put all the burden on her because it doesn't belong there. Take care of yourself in other ways and get support from other places as well.
I put 'find out' and 'after' in scare quotes on top because I think they're not really true, but it can feel that way. And working through your feelings and finding your balance again is what's really important. Then you will be able celebrate her wedding really full of happiness of her and the whole moh/bridesmaid thing will be such a little thing (as it actually is).
posted by Salamandrous at 10:28 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh man, just don't be me and get drunk and complain about it to her. Yikes. Also, take the time to fully enjoy the fact that the bulk of festivities planning is off your shoulders! Ugh, details and invites and party favors and all that stuff that takes so much work. But, again, perhaps you're not me.
posted by namesarehard at 1:22 PM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by namesarehard at 1:22 PM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
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