Why am I overanalyzing my feelings for this guy?!
May 11, 2013 1:01 PM   Subscribe

I have been dating someone for two weeks, a guy I had a crush on in my writing class. For some reason as I get to know him he's a bit different than I expected. I feel something for him, but it's not a mind-boggling attraction. Now I wonder if it's enough and if it will develop?

I'm in my early twenties, and just started dating a fellow college student who is 22. I had always thought he had a cute smile, and I still do... we met in a writing class workshop. He eventually added me on facebook towards the end of the semester. I took this as an opening to say "hi." By the end of the instant message convo, he had asked me out and we exchanged numbers.

I was super excited... and I was looking at all of his photos. I was getting to know him a bit more though and it seemed we were a bit opposite in our likes and dislikes... although he was very big on writing, wants to go to grad school, very creative, wants a family, etc. These are all things I could say about myself. Well I focused on all of those little tidbits we didn't have in common... and thought "oh, maybe we are more different than I thought." The differences are ones like he hates to take naps, I love them, I like cake, he likes pie, he is an extrovert, I am an introvert, etc. So I wasn't sure if we were hitting it off.

When we had our first actual date, I noticed he was kind of shorter than I realized. Not a big thing, but I noticed. He is not conventionally attractive, but he does have a great smile, has great hygiene, smells awesome, etc. He also was very direct and a ball of energy. I was quite surprised. I am used to more reserved guys but found I feel much more loved by people who are extroverted in relationships... because they don't seem to have trouble with affection.

So I wasn't sure how I felt. We had a second date, and I was still feeling things out. Halfway through the date he asks me to be his girlfriend. I felt like I didn't know him nor have any feelings gained yet to build a relationship on. I used to just jump right in... but after two relationships with emotionally unavailable people who turned into different people as soon as we got into a relationship... I just wasn't trusting of people and now MUST feel them out. I didn't get a whole bunch of warm fuzzies around him and the first kiss was awkward... but the second time I really got into it. I slept with him on the third date (yikes!) And really enjoyed it. It was the best sex I had in a loooooong time. I didn't agree to be his gf at this point, because I didn't think I knew him well enough.

So I start doubting how I feel. I didn't know if his shortness would bug me, or his energy, or this or that. I didn't know if I felt strong enough to just be in a relationship with him. I don't feel starry-eyed, but I do feel something. Maybe this means I've grown up? He seems to be someone who still gets infatuated before truly knowing someone. I've made too many mistakes for that to be me.

I'm going back and forth about how I feel about him. It's crazy because I know he is into me, but I recognize I'm not there yet. I was thinking should we just be friends? Am I not attracted enough? Then I see him and I'm a ball of giggles, smiles, I'm kissing him and enjoying it. I slept with him twice in one night! I really liked it and couldn't keep my hands off of him... so why do I feel confused? I freaked out after sleeping with him the second time. I got so anxious about my uncertain feelings I contemplated stopping seeing him... but I don't want to! I love talking to him and being with him is fun, I don't feel crazy about him and I'm not used to not having to guess someone's feelings... I thought I wasn't into him, but when I'm with him it feels different. What's wrong with me?!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
This guy is right for you when you're together and private, not right when you're apart. That means:

It's an attraction issue. You don't love the way he looks, but you do like the way he makes you feel... chemistry. When you're apart, you remember what he looks like, minus the touching/chemistry level attraction. And, that makes you doubt.

Lots of guys go through exactly this, she really does it for me in bed, but I don't find her attractive enough when we're out at a restaurant, in public. Set your expectations accordingly about the relationship.
posted by Kruger5 at 1:15 PM on May 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

So I start doubting how I feel. I didn't know if his shortness would bug me, or his energy, or this or that. I didn't know if I felt strong enough to just be in a relationship with him. I don't feel starry-eyed, but I do feel something. Maybe this means I've grown up? He seems to be someone who still gets infatuated before truly knowing someone. I've made too many mistakes for that to be me.

First, nah. It doesn't mean you've grown up. I've made loads of mistakes, learned from them and yet know for a fact I can still feel "crushy".

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. It sounds like you like this guy, but realize that you see him more as a casual or short-term relationship. Nothing wrong with that either, but I would recommend telling him that you view your relationship that way before he takes things any more seriously.
posted by nohaybanda at 1:18 PM on May 11, 2013

What's wrong isn't with you, it's that he asked you to be his girlfriend halfway through your 2nd date.

It's inexperienced, awkward, and making you want to stay away b/c he moved too fast. It's off-putting to have someone try to force your relationship into a box that neither of you has any reason to believe fits.

I would tell him you want things to develop more organically, that he shouldn't expect to skip an initial phase of getting to know each other, and that you think a few months and more time together should pass before anyone starts putting labels on the relationship, starts asking "what does this relationship mean??" or starts making commitments to each other.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 1:21 PM on May 11, 2013 [5 favorites]

Two weeks? Seems normal for dating. Not every relationship has to have sparks flying on both sides from the start. Why not just see how it goes?

But it's OK to resist pressure to make more of a commitment than you feel. If the dude was in here asking "Why won't she call herself my girlfriend?", people would be all "Dude, it's just two weeks, give it time."
posted by zompist at 1:26 PM on May 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Yeah I would be weirded out if a guy asked me through a second date if we were to be exclusive and for me to be his girlfriend.

My husband and I decided we were dating after a week, however we spent that entire week together, basically non-stop and there were definite sparks and romance. You just had one and a half dates with someone. So what, after a few hours of knowing you he thinks you can be his girlfriend?

Also you are probably confused because the sex was good, but sex and compatibility don't always go together. Also just because you aren't physically attracted to him doesn't mean he's not good at sex. Someone could be the best sex you've gotten and the worst boyfriend. It actually happens a lot.

I think you aren't overall that attracted to him or compatible. Maybe you want to keep seeing him, maybe you don't. But you need to give it a little time to figure that out.

And to answer your question: Nothing is wrong with you, it doesn't doesn't seem like much of a match. You also just thought he was cute...so it doesn't sound like he was the man of your dreams in the first place.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:33 PM on May 11, 2013

Whoa. He asked you to be his girlfriend midway through your second date? I don't know about overanalyzing so much as your inner "spidey sense" or alarm bell or whatever is pinging. He's moving way too fast; often people who declare their love right away are more in love with love than you as a person. A second date is not nearly enough time to get to know one another, and decide whether this is True Love or even True Girlfriend Material.

If I were you I'd slow things way down and see how he feels. If he doesn't want to slow things down, or gets intrusive or pressures you, this is a red flag.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:45 PM on May 11, 2013

Rosie nailed it: It's your intuition speaking - listen up. Two dates is way too fast unless you're both crazy over the moon about each other.
posted by aryma at 8:55 PM on May 11, 2013

Whoa. He asked you to be his girlfriend midway through your second date?

Girlfriend doesn't have to mean anything. He may just clumsily be asking her not to sleep with anybody else. Girlfriend/boyfriend can just mean (as I thought once) the person you're sexing exclusively for a time/romantically involved with. It's not like he asked her to marry him. Girlfriend/boyfriend is just an impermanent/not super important label.

Though I think you should ask what he meant by that.
posted by discopolo at 5:14 AM on May 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm with discopolo - not sure exactly what he meant with the label but it's far less meaningful or serious to me than it seems to be to other posters. It's okay if you don't want that with him (now or ever), but I didn't find that part to be all that weird.

Anyway, I think it's pretty simple though -- you like him, but you don't like him enough. Whether that's a "yet" or a "period" is still up in the air, but I think if you keep looking for signs that you shouldn't be into him, eventually you'll find one big enough.
posted by sm1tten at 8:12 AM on May 12, 2013

I actually ended up with my SO in very similar circumstances - previous acquaintances, reconnected on facebook, ended up agreeing to date pretty much at the end of the first week of re-acquaintance. But I had a LOT of reservations at first, and the thing about jumping right in and declaring right off the bat that this could develop into something serious is that those reservations don't have time to slowly percolate and resolve themselves. Like, everything from "Are we going to same places in life?" to "Argh, I hate this habit of his" became overwhelming and almost a make or break for the whole situation. At one point I even remember staring at his face across a table in a coffeeshop and being almost in tears just because it was so WEIRD. Not that the boy is weird looking (I'd argue the opposite), but the intimacy was just all so sudden that I just hadn't had the time to process it all. I thought about breaking it off many, many times. But at the same time I was enjoying myself so much (yeah, sexual chemistry is an amazing thing) I stuck with it, and eventually we got to know each other a little better and discovered that - surprise! - our first instincts were correct. I still think he's a little bizarre, but I love 'im.

Obviously, I can only share my own experience - you're the only one with your own emotions and you're the boss of your own situation. But especially if it's only been two weeks and there's a lot of genuine compatibility along with the stuff that worries you, I'd say stick with it, at least long enough to talk to him about some of this stuff - how you feel when you're around him, the having been burned before, etc. (Also, nthing what discopolo said about "Be my girlfriend" meaning different things to different folks. It's a really awkward thing to say no matter how long you've been dating). If he's expressed interest in a serious relationship, he should be open to your sharing feelings about that relationship.

Otherwise, relax about the second date/third date thing and have some amazing sex and great conversations. There should be more of both in the world!
posted by theweasel at 9:03 AM on May 12, 2013

The "will you be my girlfriend" question seems a bit awkward and unnatural to me regardless of the timing. Just wondering if any aspects of his behavior or personality are making you uncomfortable because that struck me as a bit odd.
posted by Dansaman at 4:39 PM on May 12, 2013

The differences are ones like he hates to take naps, I love them, I like cake, he likes pie, he is an extrovert, I am an introvert, etc.

These are hardly differences. Let this one ride a few more dates then make up your mind. Do some kissing before deciding.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:17 PM on May 12, 2013

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