how to ask acquaintance out...again
May 2, 2013 4:01 PM   Subscribe

I'm interested in dating an acquaintance, but don't know if he's interested in me, or if he already gave me the brush-off.

I invited him to a group outing as well as a one-on-one drink, both of which he went to. On the one-on-one, it seemed like he was having a good time, but we weren't flirty (I am a terrible flirt), so maybe he just thought I wanted to go out as friends. I invited him to another one-on-one event, to which he gave a curt reply (online) of thanks, but he's busy then.

Was this his way of turning me down? I feel if he was interested, he would've offered another time when he was free (unless he thought I just wanted to attend the event, and less interested in just hanging out with him...I know I know, I am overthinking it). Should I ask him out again, or is that pushing it? If I do ask him out, how do I make it clear that I am interested in him romantically this time?
posted by ribboncake to Human Relations (27 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
IME, he doesn't want to hang out with you one-on-one or he would have pitched an alternate time. Invite him to the next group thing, maybe, but don't get your hopes up and keep asking other guys out for one-on-ones.
posted by mibo at 4:04 PM on May 2, 2013 [3 favorites]


Agreed with mibo. If I were you, I'd let the ball sit in his court for now. Good on you for making the first move -- I love it! And so will the right guy. But this one didn't take the bait, and I think he would have suggested an alternative time for a one-on-one hangout if getting to know you was a priority for him.
posted by artemisia at 4:07 PM on May 2, 2013 [3 favorites]


You need to use the word "date" since asking him to 'hangout' or 'meetup' or any other phrase will be too ambiguous leading you to inadvertently place him in the friendzone. Be bold or go home. A lot of guys can be clueless and benefit greatly from straightforward communication.
posted by Mr. Papagiorgio at 4:09 PM on May 2, 2013 [5 favorites]


Ask one more time using the word "date".
posted by tel3path at 4:12 PM on May 2, 2013 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: I should also mention that he's not the typical guy that asks people out... which is why I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt. Anyone else I would've for sure assumed they weren't interested. But thanks for the honest answers, perhaps it'll save me from embarrassing myself more.
posted by ribboncake at 4:12 PM on May 2, 2013


When you ask someone to a one on one event because you like them and want to date them, you should always use the word 'date' in the invitation, in a non-ambiguous 'let's go out together and see if we want to hook up/be a couple/wherever you think dating leads' sense.

If you honestly think he might not have picked up on it, you get one more contact. Don't ask him to a specific event, just reply to his last 'can't do it' with something like 'oh, that's a shame, I was hoping the night might go somewhere ;) Let me know if you're interested in going on a date some other time!' followed by nothing, ever again (including being as un-awkward we're-just-friends as possible at group events), unless he responds and says 'wait wait I do like you let's go on a date'.
posted by jacalata at 4:12 PM on May 2, 2013 [5 favorites]


perhaps it'll save me from embarrassing myself more

Sister, you haven't embarrassed yourself at all. And you are really hard on yourself in the framing of your question.

You're awesome and if he isn't saying he wants to see you again, you gotta believe me when I tell ya, there are a boatload of guys who will.

I say ask him out on another date. He says no, then yes, we have proof that there's someone better out there for you.
posted by kinetic at 4:19 PM on May 2, 2013 [9 favorites]


First off, based on what you've told us, you haven't embarrassed yourself at all. Put that notion out of your head.

I disagree that you need to use the word "date" in order for it to be clear what the context is -- I think people understand what a pre-planned one-on-one get-together between two people whose genders, sexual preferences, and availability align in the right ways means.

My initial read was "yes, he's not interested in you in that way." But you mention that "he's not the typical guy that asks people out" -- what does that mean? It seems like a hint that social cues might be need to be read a bit differently.
posted by TonyRobots at 4:21 PM on May 2, 2013


I think that a curt "thanks, but I'm busy then," without an additional "but what about Monday?" USUALLY means he's not down with it. I DO think you can try one more time, if you really want to know for sure -- which I am only saying because I once went out for what I thought was business drinks with a guy I really liked, but who I knew had a girlfriend. I asked him how she was and everything (to be polite; I didn't ever like her, for reasons that had nothing to do with him), and I found out later that they had BROKEN UP and he thought I knew and it was a quasi-date but I had no idea because he had couched it so vaguely when he asked me out. And ergo my asking about her seemed bizarre. To this day I really wish I'd known the score/realized what was going on. So give it one more shot if you want to. But if he doesn't want to go out with you, no big. Lots of fish in the sea.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 4:24 PM on May 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: When I say he doesn't typically ask people out, it means no one is aware of him dating anyone in the past couple years except for one woman who pursued him pretty aggressively. He's been known to turn down advances. He's also a bit of a loner. I think there's a slight chance he might be aromantic, actually, but that's another story.
posted by ribboncake at 4:25 PM on May 2, 2013


'oh, that's a shame, let me know if you're interested in going on a date some other time!'

I agree wholeheartedly with this. It respects his boundaries but still lets him know your intent, as well as gives him a window to take you up on another date in the off chance that he misunderstood.
posted by Shouraku at 4:28 PM on May 2, 2013 [3 favorites]


I invited him to another one-on-one event, to which he gave a curt reply (online) of thanks, but he's busy then.
What does "curt" mean, in this scenario? Have you communicated at all since then?

To me, a "curt" response to an invitation, whether he thought it was platonic or romantic, indicates disinterest in hanging out period. I think how to proceed really depends on how okay you are with being the pursuer, because even if this guy is interested, what you've said about his past romantic history suggests that you're going to have to do a lot of heavy lifting/wondering/interpreting. If you already feel kinda embarrassed about it, you should probably keep fishing.
posted by sm1tten at 5:13 PM on May 2, 2013


He's not interested. I nth everyone else who says "if he didn't suggest another time, he doesn't want to at all." Plus if he's that aromantic, he doesn't sound romantically driven in general.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:41 PM on May 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


If this was going to happen, there would have been more chemistry on the date you already had. A fun but non-romantic/sexy date followed by a curt "no" means you are officially turned down, in my book.

Sorry.
posted by Sara C. at 6:48 PM on May 2, 2013 [2 favorites]


"If I do ask him out, how do I make it clear that I am interested in him romantically this time?"

A woman once sent me an email that said "Hey, I suck at flirting so you probably had no clue, but I really liked hanging out with you. How about more of an actual date next time?"

That pretty much spelled it out with crystal clarity that she was interested, and I found it totally flattering.

Don't hint. Say what you mean, clearly. The worst thing that can happen is he says he's not interested, in which case... it's his loss, frankly.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:06 PM on May 2, 2013 [5 favorites]


When I say he doesn't typically ask people out, it means no one is aware of him dating anyone in the past couple years except for one woman who pursued him pretty aggressively. He's been known to turn down advances. He's also a bit of a loner. I think there's a slight chance he might be aromantic, actually, but that's another story.

It sounds like even if he were willing to date you, you would have to do all the work and pursue him aggressively also. Is that appealing to you? Personally I would rather date someone who really wants to date me too.
posted by grouse at 7:10 PM on May 2, 2013


Response by poster: Hmmm I am frankly so hurt and angry at the possibility that he doesn't even want to be my friend! I genuinely thought we had a good time. Would it be a bad idea to remove him from my social networking site and not speak to him again? Perhaps that is immature but its really hurtful!
posted by ribboncake at 7:11 PM on May 2, 2013


Whoa whoa. Slow down. No need to cut him out of your life so dramatically. Don't take his actions so personally. I know it feels hurtful, but in all honesty, he's probably trying to spare you some pain by being aloof.
posted by calcetina at 7:17 PM on May 2, 2013 [3 favorites]


Ok. It is impossible for you or anyone else to know what is going on inside this guy's head at any given time. That is information that he is privy to, and the only way you can get access to it is to ask him what you want to know. As in "I'm interested in going out on a date with you some time. What do you think?" Any response other than a directly affirmative one means, well, no. Don't torture yourself, if you need something clarified then ask for clarification.
posted by windykites at 7:27 PM on May 2, 2013


When I say he doesn't typically ask people out, it means no one is aware of him dating anyone in the past couple years except for one woman who pursued him pretty aggressively.

Maybe he's not into women?
posted by empath at 7:43 PM on May 2, 2013 [3 favorites]


ask him literally this "do you want to go on a date some time?" and you will have your answer.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:03 PM on May 2, 2013


Hmmm I am frankly so hurt and angry at the possibility that he doesn't even want to be my friend!

Doomed at the start - you need to let this go, quickly. This is not a healthy reaction, and best to resolve this within you prior to initiating with a new person in the future.
posted by Kruger5 at 8:19 PM on May 2, 2013 [5 favorites]


Nthing Kruger.

What's this "aromantic" thing you mention? If it means what I think it does... Why do you want to date this person AT ALL?

Sounds weird and too much drama for longterm happiness to manifest. Avoid. Avoid.
posted by jbenben at 1:40 AM on May 3, 2013


Argh. We've all been there. Maybe chill for a week and let yourself stop freaking out. I know it is easy to do. I am much worse. THEN ask him out, unambiguously but with humor, one more time.

But in my experience...with nerdy guys OF THE FIRST ORDER, reclusive types, never-dates-anyones...if he likes you, he will let you know. So I think one more shot is reasonable...but I also think you shouldn't get your hopes up. What I would do is abandon all hope and then be pleasantly surprised if something works out.
posted by skbw at 5:54 AM on May 3, 2013


As a nerdy guy who used to be afraid to ask women out, and who has been friends with a lot of guys like that, here is how you know he likes you: He looks around waiting for you to show up at gatherings. He goes out of his way to talk to you. He tries to impress you with stories about himself when he talks to you. He'll go someplace just because he knows you are going to be there. He listens to you talk about anything, and actually pays attention. It can go any where from being clingy and creepy to being your sweet best guy friend.

Being afraid of rejection or just generally being aloof doesn't mean that a nerdy guy will go out with anybody who talks to them. And it's not the case that the only reason he hasn't asked you out is that he doesn't know you like him. If a 'shy' nerdy guy likes you, you won't be able to get rid of him. He just will keep it 'friendly' because he is afraid of scaring you off or of being rejected, or out of generally awkwardness and/or low self esteem.
posted by empath at 6:11 AM on May 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'd make your intentions clear. Verbally. Flat out tell him you find him attractive. He may be thinking you led him on.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:51 PM on May 3, 2013


Dating is like a dance. You take one step forward, he takes one step forward, you alternate. You have taken three steps. You asked him to a group thing, then one-on-one, then one-on-one again. Learn to step back, otherwise you're trampling him.

When feelings are mutual, the relationship tends to proceed (even if it proceeds slowly). If feelings are not mutual, you'll find yourself in a situation where you've done the asking 3 times to his zero times.

This is a good time to back off and see what happens. Also, this is not sexist advice. Dating is like a dance for everyone, male female and otherwise. Nobody should trample the other person. Respond to their gestures, don't keep pushing your own. If there are no gestures, go out and find someone who actually wants to dance with you.
posted by htid at 9:50 PM on May 3, 2013 [3 favorites]


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