How do I tell my parents I am taking a break from school?

April 29, 2013 5:31 PM

My parents are seem to lack trust in my ability to manage my own life. They are controlling, have a strong tendency to emotionally overreact. How do I tell my parents I am taking a break from school with them overreacting? My mother is currently undergoing cancer treatment and I am concerned she will “worry herself sick” over me taking a break from school.

I have had issues with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I am in counseling for it and learning to manage it. I recently separated myself from my family to help me manage my anxiety, as my parents are a large source of my issues. Moving back in due to my moms illness has not been an easy thing for me, but I love my mother and want to know that someone is taking good care of her.

My parents have this way of “getting in my head” and convincing me to make decisions based on their terms. When I make a decision they do not agree with, they respond very negatively and start pressuring me to do what they think is right. I always put myself last and eventually cave in to their wants.

Last summer I decided to take a design class, for personal interest, instead of microbiology (a pre-requisite for nursing) and that whole summer my parents guilted me and told me it was a waste of time and money. It made me feel pretty lousy and I wasn't able to enjoy the class because of it. I don't want this “break” to end up like that summer, especially now that my mom is so sick.

I did try to “do school” this quarter but was getting lousy grades and was neglecting both my studies and the quality of my mothers care (poorly prepared meals, emotionally/mentally drained). I decided to focus on my mother's care and I dropped the class. Now I need to tell them.

The thing that is giving me trouble is that my mom has been placing an overwhelming amount of pressure on me to continue my education. She has made me promise her that I would not drop and "just keep pushing no matter what". I understand why she cares but that kind of pressure just is not fair. She overreacts and has a tendency to obsess and worry about me, and I don't want this to happen to the extent that it affects her health.

posted by lovecricket to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Not going to comment on your situation but to answer your question, have a specific plan/proposal for your time off. In terms of getting your health right, generating income, continuing to move forward with your life. Think of it as some good news to go along with the bad.
posted by acidic at 5:42 PM on April 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

In your situation, couldn't you drop to half-time? Universities will absolutely make exceptions for extreme family circumstances such as yours, is a compromise absolutely out of the questions?

When I took a leave-of-absence for a year from university after my freshman year, there were several things I did that (I thought) would reassure my parents. Here's what you can do:

- Be prepared to articulate why you are taking the year off.
- Know the answer to why you think it will make a difference, and be prepared to defend it.
- Have a plan for what you will do during that year, including dates.
- I applied to and registered for a couple of online/distance college courses that were required electives for graduation throughout that year (and make sure to ace those, it's much easier if it's just one class at a time and something you enjoy).
- I had filed documents with the respective departments to have the transfer of those courses approved – I could show my parents the actual signed and sealed paperwork
- Get paperwork from Financial Services, showing exactly how your scholarships or other financial aid will be affected (I lost my most significant scholarship due to switching departments, but there were other sources of funding, including my being considered an independent for my last year and qualifying to receive what was essentially free tuition)
- Make an appointment with your academic advisor and have a very specific academic plan for your graduation after you return to college (I got one listing every single course I would take in my remaining five semesters – I had my advisor make copies of the annotated printouts that I could then show to my parents)

Having said that, my parents did not take it well, my year off ended up costing them many thousands of dollars since they generously paid the debt I ended up accruing (accustomed to a lifestyle that at the time my office job that didn't require a college education could not support). The constant worry about me probably took years off their life. It felt like it was the right decision for me at the time as far as graduating according to plan with a tough science major was concerned, but I ended up dropping out of that field after a few years in research. In retrospect could have handled the whole thing much better as it was undeniably selfish and I feel guilty to this day for what I put them through – I wish you better luck.
posted by halogen at 6:13 PM on April 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

You sound like you have a martyr complex. You need to take care of your mother because you want to know that someone is taking good care of her (and you're the only person who can do that?). You are sacrificing your mental health to live at home. Now you're dropping a class to take care of your mom.

Your parents are your parents but it sounds like you are trying to parent them - taking care of your mom, trying not to make them sad. You're the kid, they're the parents. At the same time, you're an adult (right??) and you need to start acting like one. Adults don't (or at least shouldn't) act like martyrs. Adults say to other adults, hey, the current situation isn't working as well as it could be, we need to work together to make it work better.

Maybe your parents aren't acting like parents or adults. If that's the case, you need to step up and be the adult. You could do that by saying, hey, we need to talk about Mom's illness. I can't take care of Mom and do what I need to do for school so I'm going to drop my class for this semester. In the meantime, I'm going to take care of Mom but we're going to figure out what we need to do to ensure that Mom's needs are met when I go back to school next quarter.

What do you need to be successful in school? What specific needs of your mother's need to be met? How can they met in other ways so you can go to school without worrying about your mom? Be the adult - come up with a plan and stop being the martyr.
posted by kat518 at 6:42 PM on April 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

I don't know the family dynamics but I want to say that your mom maybe has a point. It is of utmost importance to you to continue and finish your education. If she's pushing you toward that, she's maybe being a good mom. I would also heed her advice about taking the prereqs for nursing if you have any interest in nursing. Nursing is a job that is going to eventually have flexible hours and good pay. Whereas design (while some do well at it) can be a lot more stressful and unstable, like many creative jobs. Don't give up the nursing prereqs on a whim, especially if you're close enough to completing them. Though, sure, a design class can be good too if you can afford the time, money and energy.
posted by htid at 6:57 PM on April 29, 2013

If you tidy things up at school so that you can more easily return when things are more stable, it might help alleviate some of your parents' anxiety. Let an advisor know about the situation, and see if you can retro-drop the course without academic penalty (if you haven't already done that). There are time limits for these things (can't always do it years later), so it's a good idea to deal with that now. You might need a letter from your therapist or doctor. This way, you can say "I can go back when I'm ready, it won't be a problem", and it won't.

I am wondering if part of your mom's urgency around this might be tied up with fears about her illness. She might want to feel sure you'll do ok, no matter what.

And, not to add to your worry, but some of her concern around your future is justified, honestly. Young people's real options today (vs what many colleges will tell you) aren't what they were ten years ago. I'm not saying you should be a nurse if it doesn't make sense for you - I think it was super smart of you to quit, and avoid digging yourself into a bad-gpa hole - but, when you have more of a handle on your anxiety, it will be worth taking the time to figure out kind of career might suit you and let you make a good living. Maybe some vocational counselling will help. And if you're going to be home, maybe filling your parents in on active steps you're taking towards figuring it out will help lessen some of the worry.

Meanwhile, talk to a hospital social worker and see if you're eligible for any help with caretaking, and/or, dealing with being a caretaker, and/or, counselling/support for the whole family. A mediator might help neutralize the intensity of the discussion, enough for your mom to understand your point of view.
posted by nelljie at 6:58 PM on April 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure what "do school" means, and you mention "dropping THE class." So are you in one class only? If that's the case, I don't think it's a big deal. Make a plan for what you are going to do, and you can present that along with your news bulletin. "I dropped my class, before you say anything, though, this is my plan for the present and the future."

Personally, however, if it was one class, I wouldn't even bother telling them if I was in a situation where they wouldn't notice. Your parents don't need to know everything.
posted by amodelcitizen at 7:14 PM on April 29, 2013

Response by poster: I have already dropped the class so that bit is done. I did receive half my tuition back and I am planning on taking it again this upcoming fall.

This hasn't been some big self-sacrifice: My step dad flat out asked me to quit my job and move back in. He was having his own issues so he offered to support me (food, gas) while I take care of mom and keep her company at home. I thought it would take some pressure off of managing my finances and give me time to study, but I was spending 3-5 hours a day studying and was still getting 40%-60%'s on all the exams and quizzes.

I know I need to step up and be more responsible financial wise, and I know a big part of that is finishing school. Just initially moving out was a huge struggle for me and moving back in has been much harder then I imagined.

I have been working towards my nursing degree on/off since I got my AA in 2009. Minimum wage makes paying for school and life really hard. I understand the importance of finishing sooner then later.

Thank you for your responses. I'm just going to have a sit down and tell them.
posted by lovecricket at 7:25 PM on April 29, 2013

You're going to be okay. Family stuff can be incredibly hard, especially when a loved one is sick. But it seems like you're getting mixed messages from your folks. Telling them what you need would be a very adult move and it would put everyone on the same page.
posted by kat518 at 8:00 PM on April 29, 2013

Best answer: Goodness, you are being so harsh on yourself. It's like you're me!

First, consider that your life is your life. Your education is yours. Your mom doesn't need to know about every class that you take or don't take; she just wants you to do well. You don't have to tell her of your decision.

If she does directly ask you about the class, here's a way to think about it. I've had to tell people difficult things like this (after the fact, so I wasn't asking for their advice of what to do, and I knew I had made the right decision). And I've found that people want to support me and want me to be happy, but sometimes it's hard to tell from their reactions, which have ranged from apparent outrage to apparent disappointment. This is how people react when they are blindsided with information that doesn't match up to their notion of your success. This will come as a surprise; give them a hint of how to react. You might consider prefacing it with some hints. "Oh, mom, I wanted to focus on being successful in my nursing degree, and happy and successful in my personal life. I wasn't getting the education I wanted from that class, so I did the sensible thing and dropped it. I'm glad you're so supportive of my education, and I'm so grateful to have a mom who wants me to succeed." Or something.

Breathe and know that you are making the right choice for you. I didn't read whether you're currently in therapy, but a few visits can really help equip you with a toolkit to address these kinds of thought-spirals that detract from your happiness.
posted by nicodine at 8:24 PM on April 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

I mean this seriously, and therapeutically, you need to learn to not care. It's a very hard thing to do: but when your goals and paths and plots are not the same as the fantasies in your folk's head, you have to not care. They need to learn that, too. That they can want outcomes all they want, but if they aren't your plans, tough. I found that learning not to care about the desires of people I had been trained to love and respect and to subsume that to what I *actually wanted to do* let me find...essentially...what it was that I really wanted to do with my life. Otherwise you will always be a slave to other's hopes and dreams. Go for the ring, man.
posted by umberto at 9:39 PM on April 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

Practice variations on this:

"I'm an adult. This is what I want to do. You've told me your opinion. I don't want to discuss it any further." Also, if your parents asked you to move back, you have some leverage here. You can always say, look, if you keep this up, I am just going to get a job and move out. They will learn, eventually, not to push your buttons. Or they won't, and you'll move out. Either way, the problem is resolved.
posted by empath at 11:22 PM on April 29, 2013

Best answer: My step dad flat out asked me to quit my job and move back in.

If you are going to live at your parents' home and not take a class (you're talking about one class at a time, right?), then I strongly suggest that you go back to your job or get another one. You can definitely work a part-time job while caring for your mother. No school, no work, and controlling parents sounds very isolating. You need to be out among other people for part of your day each day. Work will give you that outlet and exposure while also helping you build your savings so that you can move out when your mother's health improves.

he offered to support me (food, gas) while I take care of mom and keep her company at home.

Home health care is expensive. Your father is not "supporting" you in any way. He is getting off cheap by having you there. Don't think of food and gas as support, understand that you were asked to give up your own income to help out, and are not getting paid now.

I am not saying that you should get paid for caring for your mother, but look objectively at the arrangement -- food and gas is not payment. Go back to your job. You will be a better caretaker and a stronger, more independent person if you have a life of your own outside of your parents' home and you have money of your own. And that will make you feel more confident next semester when you sign up for another class.
posted by headnsouth at 2:46 AM on April 30, 2013 [6 favorites]