Aiming to please

April 29, 2013 6:26 AM

We can put a man on the moon, but I can't take a leak without making a mess?

Urinating standing up results in some splash -- the urine hits the water in the toilet and that splatters onto the rim of the toilet and even a little onto the floor. My wife doesn't want to clean it up, and I don't blame her. But I don't want to clean it up either, and can you blame me? There must be some kind of hack, no? We redid our other bathroom, with a lower toilet with a bigger bowl, and that toilet is good at limiting splash. But there's no (other) reason to replace toilet number one, and that's the toilet more conducive to nighttime peeing. Is there please something out there I don't know about that can help? Should we try to lower the water level in the bowl? Pee outside?

posted by troywestfield to Home & Garden (18 answers total)

Sit down.
posted by cromagnon at 6:28 AM on April 29, 2013 [40 favorites]

Don't aim for the water. Aim for the side of the bowl, an inch or two above the water, a little more than halfway back. The pee will curve around as if it's trying to orbit the bowl and hit the water will less force. No splash. I'm pretty sure Buzz Aldrin did his MIT thesis on the orbital mechanics of pee.

Either that of pee sitting down.
posted by bondcliff at 6:30 AM on April 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

Aiming at the most vertical part of the bowl (usually at the side) will reduce splashing, not to mention noise; peeing directly into the water tends to result in more splashing.
posted by pipeski at 6:33 AM on April 29, 2013

Bondcliff and pipeski have it.

Based on my auditory observations in public restrooms, most men seem to enjoy torpedoing right into the water for a noisy eruption of foam. When I was a young tot, I was taken to see The Last Emperor. There is a scene in which the prison's governor instructs Pu Yi to urinate into the side of the bucket instead of the middle to avoid waking his cellmates. I have followed that advice ever since.
posted by Tanizaki at 6:36 AM on April 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

Sit down. It also reduces/eliminates effects from the nefarious dried semen spray attachment.
posted by plinth at 6:57 AM on April 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Indeed, sit down. Standing is for urinals.
posted by ceribus peribus at 7:11 AM on April 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

To expand on cromagnon and plinth: there are a lot of men who would never consider sitting down to pee because it would somehow make them effeminate. Standing up while peeing is an important part of their identity.

If you're one of these men, I'd encourage you to get over it and sit down, at least some of the time. It can be much more relaxing, and depending on your pants &etc it can be simpler. Plus, it keeps your bathroom and toilet seat cleaner. And don't worry, it won't have any effect on your sexual orientation or your ability to play sports.
posted by alms at 7:12 AM on April 29, 2013 [11 favorites]

Can also just wipe the rim of the bowl with some tissue every so often. Really not a huge deal.
posted by kavasa at 7:35 AM on April 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

My wife doesn't want to clean it up, and I don't blame her. But I don't want to clean it up either, and can you blame me? There must be some kind of hack, no?

These. Or these. Or these. Or these. Or these. And get these if you're still squeamish.

As the person who cleans the bathrooms in our house because that's my job, no matter who's peeing wherever and however: A quick wipe every time there's a mess by the splasher; a wipe at least once day; plus at least one good cleaning a week is way less gross for the cleaner then spending time arguing over who's going to do it and dealing with an accumulation. Even if you sit down, there's still a toilet to clean by someone eventually. So figure out a fair cleaning schedule between yourselves.

But in-between, if there's a mess, just deal with it. Preferably immediately after. Especially if it's your mess.

Because surely you've come across the saying:

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat (or variations thereof.)
posted by peagood at 8:09 AM on April 29, 2013

I'm feeling like solving problems today. So here goes: buy yourself one of those plastic party yard beer cups (this one is fairly conservative (and the illustrated liquid is appropriately colored) or this one if you feel it matches your decor more closely), use a utility knife or hacksaw to cut off the large flat bottom of the cup and then use it as a pee-guide, so you can trickle your tinkle down the side of the thing into the water, eliminating splashing while retaining your ability to pee standing up.

Store it in a saucer behind the toilet, next to the plunger.

Or sit down.
posted by dirtdirt at 8:28 AM on April 29, 2013

This is why pedestal mats were invented. You will probably not want to stand on it in bare feet, but washing it every few days is reasonably hygienic. Or you could just sit down.
posted by goo at 8:50 AM on April 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

But I don't want to clean it up either, and can you blame me?

Yes? While you've gotten good advice for how to avoid this situation in the future, you still should be willing to clean up any mess you make with your own urine.
posted by Coatlicue at 9:21 AM on April 29, 2013 [21 favorites]

Composting toilets, sized for industrial use, usually don't use water. AND they only cost $10,000 or so. Easy peasey fix. Cleanest bathrooms I ever saw used them for hundreds of students. No splash.

Of course, if the 10k is a problem, cleaning as you go is cheaper, at least if my math is right.
posted by FauxScot at 9:34 AM on April 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Some people in my life (who will remain nameless, but are male) say they like to sit down to pee - they say they better empty their bladder doing so. Bonus is there is no mess. And the one who cleans the toilet (guess who?) is thankful.
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 12:50 PM on April 29, 2013

Urinating standing up results in some splash...

If you're too grossed out to wipe up, then sit down (also, grossed out by a little pee? You must not have kids, buddy. I have had shit on my clothes and skin, and all it gets is a resigned sigh these days.)

But I don't want to clean it up either, and can you blame me?

Yeah, pretty much. I mean, do you wash your own dishes, wash your own clothes? If you make a mess in our house, you clean it up. Don't worry: you don't have to lick it up. A little bit of toilet paper takes care of the problem and unless you're a real gusher your fingers won't even get wet doing it.

There must be some kind of hack, no?

Sit down, take a load off, treat yourself.
posted by smoke at 4:16 PM on April 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

My brother had a urinal installed in the bathroom closest to his bedroom. That's another approach you could consider if the advice you've received so far isn't helpful to you.
posted by alms at 6:17 PM on April 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Sitting down to pee isn't always an option. (See: morning wood) It's hard enough having to do the Drinking Giraffe while standing up; ain't no way it's going to be mess-free sitting down.
posted by xedrik at 6:26 PM on April 29, 2013

How strong is your ego?

Briefly, apparently, this existed. (Sales site went bye-bye.)
posted by dhartung at 4:07 AM on April 30, 2013