rebound material or not?

September 12, 2005 10:02 PM

a person who recently became "dis-engaged" has shown interest in me, and i'm interested in them, but with reservations. ooooh tough situation.

the whole (quick) story: i came back to town a couple weeks ago after being away for a two months and was getting "the vibe" from a friend who i understood to be engaged. i just found out the other day that the engagement was no more as of july and neither is the relationship. i would be interested in pursuing something with this person, and there's definitely chemistry, but the timing is suspect. i don't want to be rebound material but still genuinely like this person and am interested. i don't want to sound patronizing and ask if she's ready to start something new, because despite my own wishes i don't think she is.

useful facts which i do not know, but might be able to procure through mutual friends:
how long they were dating (i'm guessing at least more than a year as this person is not the type to rush into things, like marriage)
who exactly broke it off or why

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Rebounds are only rebounds when the preceding breakup is actually emotionally significant. I'm sure ending a marriage engagement is not fun, but on the other hand if you're already goddamn engaged to someone, you have to be really ready to get out to have called things off. I don't know the circumstances so it's hard to say. But not all relationships that follow breakups are "rebounds." Sometimes the person has been so mentally checked out of the previous relationship for so long that they are in fact quite ready for something real. Not everyone needs to sow wild oats between relationships.

But you should probably find out some of those useful facts about this fine person's life before you even begin making demands that she be READY for a REAL RELATIONSHIP. I mean, what's with that expectation? What ever happened to the thrill of adventure in getting to know someone? You need to know up front if they're emotionally prepared for a relationship that will ultimately turn toward marriage? If that is your expectation, you shouldn't even be considering someone whose engagement failed.

Again - circumstances are everything so I'm not judging. But jesus. Find out why doncha. AskMe's no Magic 8-ball.
posted by scarabic at 10:36 PM on September 12, 2005

scarabic is on fire today!
posted by samh23 at 11:37 PM on September 12, 2005

I once turned down a great guy (with whom I had untold chemistry) for fear of being rebound material. A week later, he got together with someone else, and they were still together when I lost touch two years later.

There is nothing in my life I regret more. Go for it.
posted by dame at 9:17 AM on September 13, 2005

Some people go out rebound fucking, other people move from one long-term monogamous relationship to another. Do you have any idea of the behaviour of this person in the past upon finishing a relationship? I've lost count of the number of friends who finish a long termer, swear off the opposite sex and two weeks later are with someone else who turns in to their next long termer. Dame's story is an example of this. Why not go ahead and see what happens? Remember, most of the relationships you are in will fail, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
posted by biffa at 10:00 AM on September 13, 2005

Yup, I agree with scarabic and dame. There is no reason not to pursue a relationship with someone just because they recently ended another - as long as they are interested in getting into another one. Just try not to rush into things.

I got together with the woman who is now my wife about a month after a significant relationship of mine ended. It was a surprise to both of us and I certainly hadn't intended to date again so soon, but I decided there was no way I could pass up something so wonderful just because there was a chance of my being on the rebound. Thank god!
posted by widdershins at 10:02 AM on September 13, 2005

My current girlfriend had actually intended me to be 'practice dates' - she liked me alright, didn't think much would come of it but wanted to get back into the swing after a bit of a dry spell. We've been together two and a half years now.

You never know how something will develop in the future, only how you feel about it right now. If you're interested and your only trepidation is these 'maybes' just go out with him/her.
posted by phearlez at 10:04 AM on September 13, 2005

Heh. My current girlfriend is a "rebound" one, but we've been together longer than the relationship I was rebounding from. Well, it does help that she's unspeakably awesome. Is this chick unspeakably awesome? If so, sometimes it's worth being the rebound for someone great anyway, just to give it a shot.
posted by klangklangston at 11:37 AM on September 13, 2005

I went straight from my marriage into a 3-year relationship. There was literally no downtime: my husband and I separated, and I started dating my boyfriend immediately. (I should say that I did not leave my husband for this other person -- he and I already knew each other somewhat, but my marriage ended for completely unrelated reasons). The fact that I was going through a divorce certainly made the emotional landscape somewhat rocky at times, but nevertheless he was in no way "just" a rebound after my marriage ended -- we both had very strong, very genuine feelings for each other, completely independent of the fact that I was coming out of my marriage.
posted by scody at 4:12 PM on September 13, 2005