Brady Bunch to be, please help make everyone happy.
April 22, 2013 7:55 AM Subscribe
Can you please recommend any books that might help on when/how to introduce new boyfriend/girlfriend to kids when divorced? Do you have any advice based on your experience; include anything you would do different in hindsight? I know all kids and circumstances are different but there has to be a general outline that produces happier outcomes for kids involved. More info inside.
My girlfriend and I would like to live together. Both divorced. I’m 41 she is 39 and we each have two children. My children (both girls) are 4 and 8 years old, hers are 8 and 11 (girl and boy). I would be selling my house and moving about 15 miles away. I have joint custody of my kids. She has full custody of hers. We like to do this in a planned healthy manner. Neither set of kids have met nor do they know we are dating. We discussed a slow introduction starting out in social situations with other friends and families involved. Slowly doing one-on-one activities and eventually letting them know we are dating (although they will probably know sooner [they probably know now - just not who]). We suspect it will be a year before we will bring up living together and that’s after we received ex-spouses blessing (that they approve of the other person living with their kids).
My girlfriend and I would like to live together. Both divorced. I’m 41 she is 39 and we each have two children. My children (both girls) are 4 and 8 years old, hers are 8 and 11 (girl and boy). I would be selling my house and moving about 15 miles away. I have joint custody of my kids. She has full custody of hers. We like to do this in a planned healthy manner. Neither set of kids have met nor do they know we are dating. We discussed a slow introduction starting out in social situations with other friends and families involved. Slowly doing one-on-one activities and eventually letting them know we are dating (although they will probably know sooner [they probably know now - just not who]). We suspect it will be a year before we will bring up living together and that’s after we received ex-spouses blessing (that they approve of the other person living with their kids).
Get to know her kids before you tell your children and let her do likewise. Not all parenting styles are the same. I have broken it off when a man before because his parenting style was so different from mine that I was barely able to tolerate being around his children. I have also broken things off with more than one man because I did not like how he interacted with my children.
Be certain that you can love her children as your own and she can do the same back before the children meet one another. Kids will either get along or they won't, the harmony in the household depends on the adults.
And I would re-evaluate the living together part. Children of divorce have been through enough upheaval. I would never live with a man without marrying him first. It is my hope that some day my children will get to see, first hand, that marriage does work and forever can be a real thing.
As far as the dating part, kids can imagine things worse than they actually are. Introduce them to the woman and let them know that you like her very much. Don't tell them that you are dating her until after the see that she isn't an evil stepmother type.
posted by myselfasme at 8:12 AM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Be certain that you can love her children as your own and she can do the same back before the children meet one another. Kids will either get along or they won't, the harmony in the household depends on the adults.
And I would re-evaluate the living together part. Children of divorce have been through enough upheaval. I would never live with a man without marrying him first. It is my hope that some day my children will get to see, first hand, that marriage does work and forever can be a real thing.
As far as the dating part, kids can imagine things worse than they actually are. Introduce them to the woman and let them know that you like her very much. Don't tell them that you are dating her until after the see that she isn't an evil stepmother type.
posted by myselfasme at 8:12 AM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
We discussed a slow introduction starting out in social situations with other friends and families involved. Slowly doing one-on-one activities and eventually letting them know we are dating (although they will probably know sooner [they probably know now - just not who]).
I think you have it backwards. If my parents had introduced me to someone (+ their kids) as a family friend and then later on "surprise! We're actually dating and those kids might be your new step-siblings!", I'd have been surprised and pissed off (that they had done it that way, not about the concept of dating). Corb's suggestion of taking it one step at a time is good - first the news that you are dating, then talk about the partner, then introduce the partner, then introduce the kids.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:13 AM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you have it backwards. If my parents had introduced me to someone (+ their kids) as a family friend and then later on "surprise! We're actually dating and those kids might be your new step-siblings!", I'd have been surprised and pissed off (that they had done it that way, not about the concept of dating). Corb's suggestion of taking it one step at a time is good - first the news that you are dating, then talk about the partner, then introduce the partner, then introduce the kids.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:13 AM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I pop back in to note, it may be slightly manipulative, but my now-fiance arrived bearing gifts and fun times, which I think helped ease past the initial shock.
posted by corb at 8:20 AM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by corb at 8:20 AM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Seconding myselfasme. You can't decide to live together until you both know, love, and are committed to everyone who will be in that house, full-time or part-time. You don't even know each other's kids. The kids aren't add-ons, they're both of your primary responsibility. What's right for them is your first consideration, not your last.
posted by headnsouth at 9:50 AM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by headnsouth at 9:50 AM on April 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't ask for your kids' blessing or pretend that it is a democratic family decision or otherwise give them the impression that they get veto power over your relationship. Even if you were willing to be a total martyr and stay single to please your kids, it's just not their responsibility to make that choice for you. It's not a crisis if your kids need some time to get used to the perfectly nice new person you love. Kids hate change. Some kids feel pretty ambivalent about new babies. By all means get to know each other and think about what is in your kids' best interests, but this decision is about who you love and what makes you happy, and you do need to take care of yourself in order to be a good parent.
posted by steinwald at 10:23 AM on April 22, 2013
posted by steinwald at 10:23 AM on April 22, 2013
I would rethink living together. With kids involved I don't think you should move in without their being a real life long commitment. Its hard enough to adjust to your parents dating. Bringing someone into the home without the marriage signals to the kids that this might not last. This guy is just my bf and not a parent etc...
posted by saradarlin at 3:14 PM on April 22, 2013
posted by saradarlin at 3:14 PM on April 22, 2013
I am a member of a blended family. I was 5 and my brother was 7 when we were introduced to my step-sister, 6, and step-brother, 10. We had a full-on brawl the first time we met while our parents were having a romantic dinner date somewhere else in the house, no joke. They are now two of the most important people in my life and it would be impossible to express how much they mean to me (I'm now 40).
So what I'm trying to say is while it's perfectly reasonable to sweat the details of how you introduce your children, if for some reason it goes off on the wrong foot, you're unlikely going to ruin anything.
posted by funkiwan at 9:19 PM on April 22, 2013
So what I'm trying to say is while it's perfectly reasonable to sweat the details of how you introduce your children, if for some reason it goes off on the wrong foot, you're unlikely going to ruin anything.
posted by funkiwan at 9:19 PM on April 22, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by corb at 8:08 AM on April 22, 2013 [2 favorites]