Sticks and stones...
April 20, 2013 6:37 PM Subscribe
My (8 year old) son is tender hearted. I'd like to help him cope with kid insults better. So, um...how do I do that?
My son is...sensitive. We've had issues with bullying this past year and I have addressed those with parents and teachers and those larger, seemingly harder to handle problems don't seem to be too much of an issue any longer. Please trust, for the purpose of my question, that this isn't a large bullying problem, but instead just a sensitive kid with a mother who wants to do best by teaching him how to deal with his emotions and cope so he's not so sad over some kid not liking his haircut...
My question pertains to how my son handles (or doesn't) insults and taunts from kids his age. I know that "kids will be kids" is often something used as an excuse for bullying but I'm certain that I have a pretty clear handle on what is just typical kid's stuff and situations in which I need to step in as a parent and advocate for my son. I'd like some help in compassionately dealing with my son when he is hurt but also teaching him to have skin that's a little thicker...
Here are some quick facts and questions (the latter of which I bolded just for clarity):
-- My son is an only child. He is 8. I am a single mother.
-- He has serious issues sticking up for himself in that he cannot fathom why anyone would be mean to anyone and instead of walking away from a kid taunting him he will try and talk it out and reason (as best an 8 year old can). This doesn't really work and just prolongs the situation. How can I explain and teach him that walking away is sometimes the best option?
-- He is a cryer. When faced with a taunt and the inability to understand why someone would do that, he just cries. This of course leads to more taunts. I really, really try to be sensitive to this but sometimes it's hard for me (he has seen me cry less than a handful of times in 8 years). Friday, he cried in class because there was a vote on a party theme and his favorite did not win. Another child mocked him and called him a crybaby. He was relaying this tragedy to me and I was trying really hard to be sympathetic but it took a lot of drowning out the "maybe don't be a baby about not getting your way and then people won't make fun of you!" in my head. I was at a loss for words because I could offer no comfort. So, where's the line here? I obviously don't want to agree with a kid picking on my own but I don't want to baby and pamper his every complaint either.
-- Son is articulate for his age and gifted. He does amazing in school and plays plenty of sports (on teams with the kids that occasionally rib on him). He is friends with these boys 98% of the time. When they throw a quick insult his way he becomes convinced they "don't like him". How can I tamper down these thoughts?
-- He goes to a small school, 18 kids in his class.
Honestly, it's becoming tiring trying to talk him out of his sadness (over what a grown up would certainly deem silly problems) everyday after school. He says his day was horrible, I'm immediately concerned and ask why, and then he relays a story about how Joe Blow didn't like his socks and it's ruined his life. The thing is, he's just sweetly tender hearted -- he's the kid sticking up for the bullied kids on the playground. That makes me incredibly proud and the qualities he has now will be amazing to behold in a grown man (if they stick) but right now, they're making his day to day a little rough.
So, were you this kid? Where you overly sensitive in grade school? How did you learn to cope? Am I being too callous by even calling him overly sensitive? What can I do to help him learn to weather these taunts better? How do I help him toughen his skin and if that's not the answer, what's the better course of action? I want to walk the fine line of hearing him out and validating his right to be hurt but I don't want to enable him in a way that continues to allow him to let these things ruin his day. How do I do that?
For the record, I'm not an overly sensitive person and I'm not outwardly emotional at all. In school when I got picked on I used quick wit to deflect and disarm anyone that was mean to me. My son just doesn't seem to be built that way so even answers that spell out where his head may be at in taking everything said to him so seriously helps me, too.
My son is...sensitive. We've had issues with bullying this past year and I have addressed those with parents and teachers and those larger, seemingly harder to handle problems don't seem to be too much of an issue any longer. Please trust, for the purpose of my question, that this isn't a large bullying problem, but instead just a sensitive kid with a mother who wants to do best by teaching him how to deal with his emotions and cope so he's not so sad over some kid not liking his haircut...
My question pertains to how my son handles (or doesn't) insults and taunts from kids his age. I know that "kids will be kids" is often something used as an excuse for bullying but I'm certain that I have a pretty clear handle on what is just typical kid's stuff and situations in which I need to step in as a parent and advocate for my son. I'd like some help in compassionately dealing with my son when he is hurt but also teaching him to have skin that's a little thicker...
Here are some quick facts and questions (the latter of which I bolded just for clarity):
-- My son is an only child. He is 8. I am a single mother.
-- He has serious issues sticking up for himself in that he cannot fathom why anyone would be mean to anyone and instead of walking away from a kid taunting him he will try and talk it out and reason (as best an 8 year old can). This doesn't really work and just prolongs the situation. How can I explain and teach him that walking away is sometimes the best option?
-- He is a cryer. When faced with a taunt and the inability to understand why someone would do that, he just cries. This of course leads to more taunts. I really, really try to be sensitive to this but sometimes it's hard for me (he has seen me cry less than a handful of times in 8 years). Friday, he cried in class because there was a vote on a party theme and his favorite did not win. Another child mocked him and called him a crybaby. He was relaying this tragedy to me and I was trying really hard to be sympathetic but it took a lot of drowning out the "maybe don't be a baby about not getting your way and then people won't make fun of you!" in my head. I was at a loss for words because I could offer no comfort. So, where's the line here? I obviously don't want to agree with a kid picking on my own but I don't want to baby and pamper his every complaint either.
-- Son is articulate for his age and gifted. He does amazing in school and plays plenty of sports (on teams with the kids that occasionally rib on him). He is friends with these boys 98% of the time. When they throw a quick insult his way he becomes convinced they "don't like him". How can I tamper down these thoughts?
-- He goes to a small school, 18 kids in his class.
Honestly, it's becoming tiring trying to talk him out of his sadness (over what a grown up would certainly deem silly problems) everyday after school. He says his day was horrible, I'm immediately concerned and ask why, and then he relays a story about how Joe Blow didn't like his socks and it's ruined his life. The thing is, he's just sweetly tender hearted -- he's the kid sticking up for the bullied kids on the playground. That makes me incredibly proud and the qualities he has now will be amazing to behold in a grown man (if they stick) but right now, they're making his day to day a little rough.
So, were you this kid? Where you overly sensitive in grade school? How did you learn to cope? Am I being too callous by even calling him overly sensitive? What can I do to help him learn to weather these taunts better? How do I help him toughen his skin and if that's not the answer, what's the better course of action? I want to walk the fine line of hearing him out and validating his right to be hurt but I don't want to enable him in a way that continues to allow him to let these things ruin his day. How do I do that?
For the record, I'm not an overly sensitive person and I'm not outwardly emotional at all. In school when I got picked on I used quick wit to deflect and disarm anyone that was mean to me. My son just doesn't seem to be built that way so even answers that spell out where his head may be at in taking everything said to him so seriously helps me, too.
Trauma-Proofing Your Kids: A Parents' Guide for Instilling Confidence, Joy and Resilience by Peter A. Levine Ph.D. and Maggie Kline
posted by jaguar at 6:55 PM on April 20, 2013
posted by jaguar at 6:55 PM on April 20, 2013
Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Child might be helpful. I found her book on highly sensitive people to be helpful in learning about the HSPs in my life, and I imagine this text is similar.
posted by k8lin at 6:59 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by k8lin at 6:59 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
--You have a highly intelligent kid and he sees the world in a way his classmates do not. He is young and it IS going to be tough for him for a few years. I was that kid at that age and I couldn't understand why other kids wanted to be cruel. It made no sense to me at that age, and to a point still doesn't.
I am an only child myself and it's harder to learn these things without brothers and sisters to teach you how to toughen up a bit.
My only thought is to build up his confidence levels in the things he excels at. Also, maybe let him mull over his insults himself without him seeing you reflect them back as larger than they really are? Let's say someone didn't like his socks. You could say, yes, people do have different tastes in socks, don't they? And kids your age aren't great at understanding that, are they? Hey, want an apple?
And then deflect.
Part of it is this IS intense for you too, as he's your only. If he sees you taking it in stride you are modelling the proper attitude, and he will be smart enough to learn from it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:09 PM on April 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
I am an only child myself and it's harder to learn these things without brothers and sisters to teach you how to toughen up a bit.
My only thought is to build up his confidence levels in the things he excels at. Also, maybe let him mull over his insults himself without him seeing you reflect them back as larger than they really are? Let's say someone didn't like his socks. You could say, yes, people do have different tastes in socks, don't they? And kids your age aren't great at understanding that, are they? Hey, want an apple?
And then deflect.
Part of it is this IS intense for you too, as he's your only. If he sees you taking it in stride you are modelling the proper attitude, and he will be smart enough to learn from it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:09 PM on April 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
You mention that he's around the same set of kids a lot and that he goes to a small school with small class sizes. It sounds like the cast of people in his life is pretty narrow. My guess is that this is leading him to invest a lot of significance into things that seem inconsequential to you.
It's one thing to "let it go" and "walk away" when you deal with people who don't matter in the long run, but he might feel that little things add up to long-term patterns in his social life. He might not have a lot of other experience to get a better perspective on what he's going through.
Does he have opportunities to spend time outside of school and apart from his classmates, ideally with supportive people who don't act insensitively toward him and don't call him names? In American society, we have a strong tendency to segregate younger children from adults and to designate small, circumscribed children's spaces. If that environment is becoming too much of a pressure cooker for your son, can you look for ways to let off a little steam?
posted by Nomyte at 7:24 PM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's one thing to "let it go" and "walk away" when you deal with people who don't matter in the long run, but he might feel that little things add up to long-term patterns in his social life. He might not have a lot of other experience to get a better perspective on what he's going through.
Does he have opportunities to spend time outside of school and apart from his classmates, ideally with supportive people who don't act insensitively toward him and don't call him names? In American society, we have a strong tendency to segregate younger children from adults and to designate small, circumscribed children's spaces. If that environment is becoming too much of a pressure cooker for your son, can you look for ways to let off a little steam?
posted by Nomyte at 7:24 PM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I was this kid. Fun fact: I once burst into tears because another kid asked me why I was humming the tune of the old DoubleMint gum commercials.
It took a while to "grow out of" this hypersensitivity, or perhaps I should say to grow into it to the point where I manage it way better.
I like snickerdoodle's advice because it highlights that dealing with taunting or any old disappointment that comes up in one's day is indeed a learned skill, though some people take longer to learn it.
Stick by your son, and certainly try to avoid ever conveying the idea that his sensitivity is a negative aspect of his personality. At the same time, try to figure out ways to show him your own thought process when dealing with a perceived slight or obstacle. In teaching this is called doing a "think aloud"-- the goal is to make an internal adult process external so the child can practice the skill being modeled. For instance, you might try (using a real scenario that arises, not these cheesy fake ones I'm about to lay out):
- Going to the store for something specific, then it's not there. You verbalize your reaction to this saying something like "Oh I'm so disappointed. I was really looking forward to getting X thing at the store. Well, maybe they'll have it next time." Then refocus on something more positive and move on.
- Or even do it while driving. "Uh oh, that car did something I didn't like. Maybe the person driving is having an emergency or didn't see me." Then refocus on something more positive and move on.
The reason why I'm giving these specific examples is because as I got older, I often felt even more distressed (or perhaps even validated?) when adults would react with concern if I got upset about something minor. I wish I'd had a set plan for diffusing my own anxiety or stress when I was crying, like knowing how to say a reassuring thing to myself and then choosing to switch to a more positive train of thought. This is what we do as adults, but it took me a long time to learn it as a child.
posted by Temeraria at 7:31 PM on April 20, 2013 [39 favorites]
It took a while to "grow out of" this hypersensitivity, or perhaps I should say to grow into it to the point where I manage it way better.
I like snickerdoodle's advice because it highlights that dealing with taunting or any old disappointment that comes up in one's day is indeed a learned skill, though some people take longer to learn it.
Stick by your son, and certainly try to avoid ever conveying the idea that his sensitivity is a negative aspect of his personality. At the same time, try to figure out ways to show him your own thought process when dealing with a perceived slight or obstacle. In teaching this is called doing a "think aloud"-- the goal is to make an internal adult process external so the child can practice the skill being modeled. For instance, you might try (using a real scenario that arises, not these cheesy fake ones I'm about to lay out):
- Going to the store for something specific, then it's not there. You verbalize your reaction to this saying something like "Oh I'm so disappointed. I was really looking forward to getting X thing at the store. Well, maybe they'll have it next time." Then refocus on something more positive and move on.
- Or even do it while driving. "Uh oh, that car did something I didn't like. Maybe the person driving is having an emergency or didn't see me." Then refocus on something more positive and move on.
The reason why I'm giving these specific examples is because as I got older, I often felt even more distressed (or perhaps even validated?) when adults would react with concern if I got upset about something minor. I wish I'd had a set plan for diffusing my own anxiety or stress when I was crying, like knowing how to say a reassuring thing to myself and then choosing to switch to a more positive train of thought. This is what we do as adults, but it took me a long time to learn it as a child.
posted by Temeraria at 7:31 PM on April 20, 2013 [39 favorites]
Team sports or sports with group lessons! Any kind! Self-confidence and resilience training.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:51 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:51 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
You have mentioned in past questions that you have a good co-parenting relationship with your son's father. I recommend talking with him so he can help work on these issues with your son. I think he has a lot to bring to the party where these matters are concerned.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:52 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Tanizaki at 7:52 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was also your kid, and I *strongly* second everything snickerdoodle and Temeraria said above.
posted by pammeke at 7:54 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by pammeke at 7:54 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think you've actually called him overly sensitive to his face, so I'm not accusing you - but please, no matter how much you'd like to or think it might help him get a different perspective - do not call him overly sensitive or the like. It will only teach him to have no confidence in his feelings, which will only add to his stress and sensitivity.
FWIW, this was my husband as a child, and he grew up to be an amazing, strong, wonderful human being who is able to empathize with lots of people. His world is rich and full as a result of how aware of the people around him he is, and as an adult this sensitivity helps him identify people that aren't worth wasting time on. Also, he now takes crap from no one. This was a skill he learned in adulthood.
Ask your son questions that might help him figure out the answers for himself. "What did Joey's face look like when he said that?" "Why do you think it upsets you that Joey doesn't like your socks?"
Also, throw in a fair amount of "Feeling sad is no fun. Everyone has bad days, so I know how you feel." He may just want to feel understood and acknowledged. You can do that without encouraging him to feel like a victim, but I know it can be tricky in the moment.
I know that, for me, it was the "Why?" more than anything that upset me. I felt closure not when I stopped people from picking on me, but when I figured out that Timmy had a jerk for a father and didn't know any other way to behave, or that picking on people outside your own peer group is a way to show strength to your friends, and that the picked-on person could have been anyone (okay, that one came to me a lot older than eight).
Getting him to critically think about what motivates others might be a good way to get him out of his own head so that he can think about their behavior more impersonally without being so emotionally reactive. But, sometimes, the answer is "Because sometimes people are just jerks, honey. I'm sorry." Please let him know that however he feels about it is okay, and that the only person he can control is himself.
And on preview, Temeraria nailed it with the modeling behavior.
posted by tllaya at 7:54 PM on April 20, 2013 [13 favorites]
FWIW, this was my husband as a child, and he grew up to be an amazing, strong, wonderful human being who is able to empathize with lots of people. His world is rich and full as a result of how aware of the people around him he is, and as an adult this sensitivity helps him identify people that aren't worth wasting time on. Also, he now takes crap from no one. This was a skill he learned in adulthood.
Ask your son questions that might help him figure out the answers for himself. "What did Joey's face look like when he said that?" "Why do you think it upsets you that Joey doesn't like your socks?"
Also, throw in a fair amount of "Feeling sad is no fun. Everyone has bad days, so I know how you feel." He may just want to feel understood and acknowledged. You can do that without encouraging him to feel like a victim, but I know it can be tricky in the moment.
I know that, for me, it was the "Why?" more than anything that upset me. I felt closure not when I stopped people from picking on me, but when I figured out that Timmy had a jerk for a father and didn't know any other way to behave, or that picking on people outside your own peer group is a way to show strength to your friends, and that the picked-on person could have been anyone (okay, that one came to me a lot older than eight).
Getting him to critically think about what motivates others might be a good way to get him out of his own head so that he can think about their behavior more impersonally without being so emotionally reactive. But, sometimes, the answer is "Because sometimes people are just jerks, honey. I'm sorry." Please let him know that however he feels about it is okay, and that the only person he can control is himself.
And on preview, Temeraria nailed it with the modeling behavior.
posted by tllaya at 7:54 PM on April 20, 2013 [13 favorites]
I like John Gottman's book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child for you to read and get ideas from and Beverly Cleary's Ramona books for reading aloud to your son. I was also an overly sensitive child and reading about a child who also felt things strongly felt really good. It also gives you a chance to talk about how she feels vs. how she acts/reacts, and what you two think she might do differently (it's a bit less charged than talking over his own problems). (I'm not sure if I grew out of it or just stopped being a small school every day with the same children.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 7:55 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Margalo Epps at 7:55 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Came in to recommend Elaine Aron as well.
Please be a little more empathetic about your sensitive child's experiences. He's not trying to be a crybaby, he can't grow a thicker skin any more than you can grow an extra leg, and his sensitivity is not a sign of weakness. Please read Aron and learn to celebrate your son's unique and very valuable trait instead of looking at it as something to "overcome". He can probably sense your impatience/disdain and it's not helping him any.
posted by windykites at 8:00 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Please be a little more empathetic about your sensitive child's experiences. He's not trying to be a crybaby, he can't grow a thicker skin any more than you can grow an extra leg, and his sensitivity is not a sign of weakness. Please read Aron and learn to celebrate your son's unique and very valuable trait instead of looking at it as something to "overcome". He can probably sense your impatience/disdain and it's not helping him any.
posted by windykites at 8:00 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
More practically, if he's very sensitive to the bad then he has the ability to be very sensitive to the good. When he gets super wrapped-up in the bad, acknowledge and validate it, but briefly and with a minimum of reaction. Then ask him about the good- and provide significantly more feedback and attention and interest in the good things. It will help him learn that the good stuff is a lot more interesting and exciting and attention-getting and emotion-creating than the bad and it will help him have a background of focusing on the positive, which is super important for many HSPs.
posted by windykites at 8:09 PM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by windykites at 8:09 PM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I once burst into tears in Grade 2 because the rest of the Brownie troop decided on drawing a picture on our team bristol board that I didn't like. I didn't even have a suggestion of my own about what the drawing should be. But reflecting back on it, it was an expression of my deep frustration with feeling ostracized by the other kids and inadequate at dealing with group social situations.
I cannot even remotely imagine being capable in those days of using "quick wit to deflect and disarm anyone that was mean to me."
A lot of kids are mean, just as a matter of course. For the minority of kids that don't understand the whole being mean thing, life can indeed be very frustrating.
posted by scribbler at 8:18 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
I cannot even remotely imagine being capable in those days of using "quick wit to deflect and disarm anyone that was mean to me."
A lot of kids are mean, just as a matter of course. For the minority of kids that don't understand the whole being mean thing, life can indeed be very frustrating.
posted by scribbler at 8:18 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Hi, I was that kid. As a girl I got a little more leeway, but my crying still exasperated others, to the point that it became a family joke about "turn on the waterworks!". This did not help, as you might expect. I think I might need to read that Aron book myself.
Here are the coping mechanisms I used as a kid:
1. Imagination. I just zoned out. Reading a book helped, though it could be isolating, but I found that I was ok with only a few friends instead of many. Drawing was also really helpful, because it took me away from whatever was troubling me at the moment until I could deal with it.
2. Picking my fights. I learned to stand back from whatever controversy was sweeping the playground and not get involved unless it was really important to me. This also involved developing skills around figuring out what was really important to me.
3. Strategic withdrawal. Going to the bathroom, finding an excuse to look in my bookbag, anything that would give me a few minutes to breathe through my stress and let my emotions settle before I responded.
4. Rehearsing. I still do this! If I know I have A Situation which requires dealing with others that is going on or coming up, I rehearse what I will say, several times. The real value in this is not having your answers handy so much as not being surprised by your own emotions...this is the reason I also read movie spoilers for especially tense films. Suspenseful movies/horror movies are like torture, unless I know what's going to happen. People who enjoy suspense and fear think this is weird, but there you go.
I never found a magic method that prevented me from ever being embarrassed, overwhelmed or upset at school. Adulthood is better because people don't do as much stupid shit to your face, but I still use these mechanisms on occasion.
posted by emjaybee at 8:21 PM on April 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
Here are the coping mechanisms I used as a kid:
1. Imagination. I just zoned out. Reading a book helped, though it could be isolating, but I found that I was ok with only a few friends instead of many. Drawing was also really helpful, because it took me away from whatever was troubling me at the moment until I could deal with it.
2. Picking my fights. I learned to stand back from whatever controversy was sweeping the playground and not get involved unless it was really important to me. This also involved developing skills around figuring out what was really important to me.
3. Strategic withdrawal. Going to the bathroom, finding an excuse to look in my bookbag, anything that would give me a few minutes to breathe through my stress and let my emotions settle before I responded.
4. Rehearsing. I still do this! If I know I have A Situation which requires dealing with others that is going on or coming up, I rehearse what I will say, several times. The real value in this is not having your answers handy so much as not being surprised by your own emotions...this is the reason I also read movie spoilers for especially tense films. Suspenseful movies/horror movies are like torture, unless I know what's going to happen. People who enjoy suspense and fear think this is weird, but there you go.
I never found a magic method that prevented me from ever being embarrassed, overwhelmed or upset at school. Adulthood is better because people don't do as much stupid shit to your face, but I still use these mechanisms on occasion.
posted by emjaybee at 8:21 PM on April 20, 2013 [9 favorites]
It's one thing to "let it go" and "walk away" when you deal with people who don't matter in the long run, but he might feel that little things add up to long-term patterns in his social life.
SO true! I went to a small private school from K - 9th grade. I was bullied from the start, the same group of people for 10 years picking on me in the same way.
My advice, give you kid a hobby that he can be proud of. Some people suggested sports. ONLY do this if he likes sports and is semi-good at them. My dad made me do volleyball, and I hated it. My school was really bad at playing favorites and I was not a favorite. My coach never played me and kind of hated me. My dad actually regrets making me play because I was treated just as bad in sports.
Get him involved in social groups outside of his school. Again that is where a hobby comes in. That way he can get a fresh start with some new kids who hopefully won't pick on him.
He may grow out of it, but I agree you should see WHAT they are picking on him about. Is it a physical trait, a hobby he has, is he smart? For me, I got made fun of for my size, height, and small chest. I am a very petite person, not to freak you out but I still have self-confidence issues because of being picked on for years - and I'm 23!
Encourage your child to be glad that he is sensitive. That means he won't pick on other kids! After being picked on for so many years, I could never be a bully myself. Instill that this is a good trait in your child. It actually seems very mature of him to talk it out instead of bullying back.
Encourage him to talk to someone. Does your school have a counselor? I don't think he should run and be a tattle-tale, because that can get bullies going too. If he is smart, at some point kids might bond to him to help them study. See if he can be nice to the bullies in this way and it might soften them.
Also, there will always be bullies. I think some people linked to good material on how to allow your child to cope with bad people. Sometimes it builds character. Again, I can't bully someone because I am too nice for that. It showed me how NOT to treat people. Maybe that can be a lesson to him.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:24 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
SO true! I went to a small private school from K - 9th grade. I was bullied from the start, the same group of people for 10 years picking on me in the same way.
My advice, give you kid a hobby that he can be proud of. Some people suggested sports. ONLY do this if he likes sports and is semi-good at them. My dad made me do volleyball, and I hated it. My school was really bad at playing favorites and I was not a favorite. My coach never played me and kind of hated me. My dad actually regrets making me play because I was treated just as bad in sports.
Get him involved in social groups outside of his school. Again that is where a hobby comes in. That way he can get a fresh start with some new kids who hopefully won't pick on him.
He may grow out of it, but I agree you should see WHAT they are picking on him about. Is it a physical trait, a hobby he has, is he smart? For me, I got made fun of for my size, height, and small chest. I am a very petite person, not to freak you out but I still have self-confidence issues because of being picked on for years - and I'm 23!
Encourage your child to be glad that he is sensitive. That means he won't pick on other kids! After being picked on for so many years, I could never be a bully myself. Instill that this is a good trait in your child. It actually seems very mature of him to talk it out instead of bullying back.
Encourage him to talk to someone. Does your school have a counselor? I don't think he should run and be a tattle-tale, because that can get bullies going too. If he is smart, at some point kids might bond to him to help them study. See if he can be nice to the bullies in this way and it might soften them.
Also, there will always be bullies. I think some people linked to good material on how to allow your child to cope with bad people. Sometimes it builds character. Again, I can't bully someone because I am too nice for that. It showed me how NOT to treat people. Maybe that can be a lesson to him.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:24 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I was this kid, too. Apparently I sobbed regularly in kindergarten when my teacher looked at my drawings and told me that pilgrims didn't have fancy ruffled dresses or that the sky wasn't green (to which I now ask, why shouldn't pilgrim ladies have prettier dresses if a 5 year old wants them to?!). The good thing is that I promptly forgot those events - my parents told me about them many years later, so I wasn't scarred for life. But like the advice given by others above, this is where asking questions rather than making statements is handy. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have cried in class if my teacher had asked me why I colored the sky green or what made me decide to bling up the pilgrims' outfits. I know I wanted to please my teachers so much that their criticism was always much harder to handle than my classmates'. To this day I have a hard time defending myself to criticism, particularly if it's mean-spirited, unfounded, or comes from bosses.
What helped? To be honest, it was entering a gifted and talented only middle school track and making friends with the other sensitive nerds (and then the theater kids in high school). I like emjaybee's "strategic withdrawal" tactic - I still have to do this at work when people are mean and things are crappy. I'd like to think I have a thicker skin as I get older, but sometimes I'm still that sensitive 5 year old who really didn't deserve to have her pictures criticized. But I'm brave in many other ways, and I think your son can find and grow his strength in other ways, too. Nurture him for who he is, and help him find his people.
posted by Maarika at 8:34 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
What helped? To be honest, it was entering a gifted and talented only middle school track and making friends with the other sensitive nerds (and then the theater kids in high school). I like emjaybee's "strategic withdrawal" tactic - I still have to do this at work when people are mean and things are crappy. I'd like to think I have a thicker skin as I get older, but sometimes I'm still that sensitive 5 year old who really didn't deserve to have her pictures criticized. But I'm brave in many other ways, and I think your son can find and grow his strength in other ways, too. Nurture him for who he is, and help him find his people.
posted by Maarika at 8:34 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
I was also a really sensitive kid. I wish I could tell you I grew out of it and became a beautiful swan but the truth is that I learned letting my sadness show just made everyone freak out and made me feel like something was wrong with me, so I learned to associate sadness with guilt and shame and worthlessness, and started stuffing my feelings away rather than expressing them and gradually the light went out inside. Decades later I am unraveling this in therapy. My emotional sensitivity today is a very important part of who I am and I would not trade it for anything, but life has been hard.
Please re-calibrate your expectations for your son and chase those thoughts that side with the bullies out of your head (I am sure you do not express it, but I bet he can still feel them). The problems you describe would sound silly to adults because adults have built strong emotional coping resources. It takes a fairly significant event to reduce an adult to a weeping mess, like witnessing a car crash or being fired -- in each case these are traumatic because they shatter the safe comforting world we think we inhabit. Your son's problems might feel as intense as those would to you, because he has very little coping ability and it gets easily overwhelmed. He needs to live in a world that has space for him, where people like him (or at least don't hate him). But this fragile world is very easily shattered.
Your son needs to get the message that there is no shame in being sad. Everyone feels sad at times, sometimes for no reason at all. Sadness and crying is a way of our bodies telling us that we are not able to cope with what's happening to us, and this prompts us to seek love and comfort, which strengthens our coping ability. I wonder if he's too young for this, but some kind of mindfulness approach can be helpful - stopping to take a deep breath and noticing that my body is sad, rather than just being sad, makes it easier to regulate. A lot of other thing suggested above like hobbies and social activities outside of school can be great for increasing coping resources. For example, spending time at a summer camp with new people and forming new friendships -- the camp becomes a world in which the child has value, and the memories of that place can be worn like armour. You're telling me I'm dumb, but I know I'm not, because I know my friends at camp like me -- therefore you're just saying that for some other reason. I guess this is the thick skin you want your child to develop. The more evidence he has that he lives in a world in which he has value, the thicker the skin.
Incidentally in my particular case I had a traumatic infancy -- lots of illnesses and hospitalizations and time away from parents -- and based on what's been happening in my therapy sessions it seems very likely that a lot of the intense emotional pain from this period, at a time when I lacked the ability to process and contain it, was part of what made me appear 'sensitive' as a child. The world felt unsafe and I felt alone and the slightest breeze knocked it all down. This kind of thing is complex, of course; you might consider seeing a child psychologist to explore this kind of issue.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:45 PM on April 20, 2013 [21 favorites]
Please re-calibrate your expectations for your son and chase those thoughts that side with the bullies out of your head (I am sure you do not express it, but I bet he can still feel them). The problems you describe would sound silly to adults because adults have built strong emotional coping resources. It takes a fairly significant event to reduce an adult to a weeping mess, like witnessing a car crash or being fired -- in each case these are traumatic because they shatter the safe comforting world we think we inhabit. Your son's problems might feel as intense as those would to you, because he has very little coping ability and it gets easily overwhelmed. He needs to live in a world that has space for him, where people like him (or at least don't hate him). But this fragile world is very easily shattered.
Your son needs to get the message that there is no shame in being sad. Everyone feels sad at times, sometimes for no reason at all. Sadness and crying is a way of our bodies telling us that we are not able to cope with what's happening to us, and this prompts us to seek love and comfort, which strengthens our coping ability. I wonder if he's too young for this, but some kind of mindfulness approach can be helpful - stopping to take a deep breath and noticing that my body is sad, rather than just being sad, makes it easier to regulate. A lot of other thing suggested above like hobbies and social activities outside of school can be great for increasing coping resources. For example, spending time at a summer camp with new people and forming new friendships -- the camp becomes a world in which the child has value, and the memories of that place can be worn like armour. You're telling me I'm dumb, but I know I'm not, because I know my friends at camp like me -- therefore you're just saying that for some other reason. I guess this is the thick skin you want your child to develop. The more evidence he has that he lives in a world in which he has value, the thicker the skin.
Incidentally in my particular case I had a traumatic infancy -- lots of illnesses and hospitalizations and time away from parents -- and based on what's been happening in my therapy sessions it seems very likely that a lot of the intense emotional pain from this period, at a time when I lacked the ability to process and contain it, was part of what made me appear 'sensitive' as a child. The world felt unsafe and I felt alone and the slightest breeze knocked it all down. This kind of thing is complex, of course; you might consider seeing a child psychologist to explore this kind of issue.
posted by PercussivePaul at 9:45 PM on April 20, 2013 [21 favorites]
Wow, just wow. OP, I would really like to tell you my story. Please hear me out.
I have a prominent overbite. Not the slight kind that is barely noticeable, but the kind the prevents me from being able to close my lips over my teeth (aka: by jaw bones are so misaligned that I'm unable to close my mouth). As such, I was harassed mercilessly my entire way through school. I can vividly remember coming home every day and crying until I fell asleep. It was pure torture, I truly wanted to die.
My father, to his credit, tried to get me braces, but was quickly and abruptly shot down by every dentist in town. The only people that would even consider helping me were plastic surgeons. They unanimously recommended breaking my seven-year-old face and entirely reshaping my jaw and cheek bones, and there was no way that my father was going to agree to that. It was hard for my family to face, but it became apparent that I would just have to learn to live with who and what I was.
Mind you, this was back in the late80's/early90's when teachers didn't give half a damn about bullying or its repercussions. My father father went to the school board, but they just through out the old "kids will be kids" line, and after a while, refused to hear his pleas at all.
There are a couple things that you need to understand about being bullied continuously:
1) It slowly destroys your ability to express yourself. I would be willing to bet money that your son isn't really crying because the party theme he liked didn't get picked. You see, when people are emotionally beating you down every single day, and answering your every word with an insult, you lose ability to understand your own self-expression. You can't tell if voicing your opinion will be met with understanding or abuse, and since children fuel their insults with lack of empathy and reason, your child has no idea if it's "safe" to express his desire for a specific party theme, or express his frustration when his favourite didn't win. To him, there is no rhyme or reason behind his classmates moods, and to a certain extent he is right. The result is tears of frustration and fear, which are emotions that are hard even for adults to vocalize.
2) When you're young, you're very centre focused and don't have a good grasp of concepts like "opinions." If someone says you're fat, then your fat. If someone says that you're ugly, then you're ugly. If some says that you're stupid, then you're stupid.
The extreme bullying that I suffered could have easily traumatized me for life had my father not figured out how to coach me through it. #2 was the ticket, and counteracting it was what saved me from a lifetime of pain and self doubt. Simply put, my father convinced me that my whole class was completely and utterly wrong. I realize that seems like an oversimplified solution, but it completely works as long as you're 100% committed to it.
One day, out of the blue, after I had come home in tears for the thousandth time, my father and I had the following conversation:
Me: I'm ugly! A Monster! I want to die!
Dad: No you don't, overbites are very beautiful.
Me: No they're not! Everyone says I'm ugly!
Dad: Well, they're all wrong.
Me: No they aren't. They're right, I'm hideous!
Dad: Well, your mother has an overbite, and so does your sister, and they're so very beautiful. Your overbite is much bigger, so you're even more beautiful.
Me: That's not what everyone says!
Dad: Everyone is wrong. Your daddy promises you, they are wrong.
I didn't believe his at first, nor did I the hundredth time. It took years for him to overcome the onslaught of my classmates. But eventually a strange thing happened, he was so passionate about my overbite being beautiful, that I slowly began to believe it myself. At first I tried to convince my classmates that they were wrong (which achieved precisely nothing), then I finally gave up and mentally threw them in the "idiot" bin in my mind. They had to be idiots right? How could they not know that overbites were so pretty, and I had the biggest one of them all, so I was extra pretty. I didn't just learn to ignore the bullies, I literally stopped hearing them. They became background noise that was more of a pestering annoyance, like someone tapping their nails on a table.
A few years later I met Samantha. She was overweight, but her mother had been telling her that curvy bodies were the best thing ever, ever. I was sad that I wasn't curvy like she was, but I did have this overbite which was also really pretty. Samantha was amazed! We could both be beautiful together! I can't tell you how many photos there are of her and I playing dress-up in our back yards, being the most beautiful pirate-gladiator-ninjas in the land. I still tear up whenever I look at them.
That feeling never left me. The older I got, the more I was able to see it. Then, when I was 28, my father came into some money. He has always been consumed with guilt about my childhood, and decided that he owed it to me to have my face fixed. He offered to pay for any surgery I wanted, all I had to do was name the procedures and he would write the checks. A full makeover that only hope, dreams, and money could buy.
I turned him down.
I just can't see ugly any more. There is nothing about my face or body that I would change, not one inch. I'm gorgeous, and even when I try, I can't find a fault. I get better every year, and if you ask me when I'm 80, I'll probably tell you that I'm the most beautiful pirate-gladiator-ninja in the retirement castle, and so is everyone else. At some point, everyone became like Samantha in my eyes. They all have this other beauty. Seriously, the closest I can come to evaluating other people’s appearance is noting whether I'm attracted to them or not, and even then they are still beautiful to my mind if not my lady parts. The downside is, of course, that I buy way too many shoes and cloths because I look so pretty in them (how horrible for me!).
In regard to your son:
You say that your son doesn't understand "meanness." He doesn't really get it, or why people would act that way. This is an amazing quality, one that would change the world if only more people had it. He is amazing. He is already a better person then most people will ever be, and if you have it in you to summon up every sliver of your motherly love and strength, you can convince him that being mean is wrong, and he is right for seeing it for what it is. That he is right for wanting to treat people with respect, and for respecting his own feelings. It may take you years to convince him, and yourself, but you can do it. And once he believes it the bullies wont matter, they will just become noise to him. He'll start hanging out with the cool kids that get the kindness thing, and respect each other. The kindest pirate-gladiator-ninjas in the land who stand up for the down-and-out and help people in need.
He isn't crying because someone doesn't like his socks, he's crying because he's frustrated with the teasing and insults. He's on the path to being a truly great man, but you need to help him get there. You need to convince him that kindness is right.
posted by Shouraku at 10:36 PM on April 20, 2013 [132 favorites]
I have a prominent overbite. Not the slight kind that is barely noticeable, but the kind the prevents me from being able to close my lips over my teeth (aka: by jaw bones are so misaligned that I'm unable to close my mouth). As such, I was harassed mercilessly my entire way through school. I can vividly remember coming home every day and crying until I fell asleep. It was pure torture, I truly wanted to die.
My father, to his credit, tried to get me braces, but was quickly and abruptly shot down by every dentist in town. The only people that would even consider helping me were plastic surgeons. They unanimously recommended breaking my seven-year-old face and entirely reshaping my jaw and cheek bones, and there was no way that my father was going to agree to that. It was hard for my family to face, but it became apparent that I would just have to learn to live with who and what I was.
Mind you, this was back in the late80's/early90's when teachers didn't give half a damn about bullying or its repercussions. My father father went to the school board, but they just through out the old "kids will be kids" line, and after a while, refused to hear his pleas at all.
There are a couple things that you need to understand about being bullied continuously:
1) It slowly destroys your ability to express yourself. I would be willing to bet money that your son isn't really crying because the party theme he liked didn't get picked. You see, when people are emotionally beating you down every single day, and answering your every word with an insult, you lose ability to understand your own self-expression. You can't tell if voicing your opinion will be met with understanding or abuse, and since children fuel their insults with lack of empathy and reason, your child has no idea if it's "safe" to express his desire for a specific party theme, or express his frustration when his favourite didn't win. To him, there is no rhyme or reason behind his classmates moods, and to a certain extent he is right. The result is tears of frustration and fear, which are emotions that are hard even for adults to vocalize.
2) When you're young, you're very centre focused and don't have a good grasp of concepts like "opinions." If someone says you're fat, then your fat. If someone says that you're ugly, then you're ugly. If some says that you're stupid, then you're stupid.
The extreme bullying that I suffered could have easily traumatized me for life had my father not figured out how to coach me through it. #2 was the ticket, and counteracting it was what saved me from a lifetime of pain and self doubt. Simply put, my father convinced me that my whole class was completely and utterly wrong. I realize that seems like an oversimplified solution, but it completely works as long as you're 100% committed to it.
One day, out of the blue, after I had come home in tears for the thousandth time, my father and I had the following conversation:
Me: I'm ugly! A Monster! I want to die!
Dad: No you don't, overbites are very beautiful.
Me: No they're not! Everyone says I'm ugly!
Dad: Well, they're all wrong.
Me: No they aren't. They're right, I'm hideous!
Dad: Well, your mother has an overbite, and so does your sister, and they're so very beautiful. Your overbite is much bigger, so you're even more beautiful.
Me: That's not what everyone says!
Dad: Everyone is wrong. Your daddy promises you, they are wrong.
I didn't believe his at first, nor did I the hundredth time. It took years for him to overcome the onslaught of my classmates. But eventually a strange thing happened, he was so passionate about my overbite being beautiful, that I slowly began to believe it myself. At first I tried to convince my classmates that they were wrong (which achieved precisely nothing), then I finally gave up and mentally threw them in the "idiot" bin in my mind. They had to be idiots right? How could they not know that overbites were so pretty, and I had the biggest one of them all, so I was extra pretty. I didn't just learn to ignore the bullies, I literally stopped hearing them. They became background noise that was more of a pestering annoyance, like someone tapping their nails on a table.
A few years later I met Samantha. She was overweight, but her mother had been telling her that curvy bodies were the best thing ever, ever. I was sad that I wasn't curvy like she was, but I did have this overbite which was also really pretty. Samantha was amazed! We could both be beautiful together! I can't tell you how many photos there are of her and I playing dress-up in our back yards, being the most beautiful pirate-gladiator-ninjas in the land. I still tear up whenever I look at them.
That feeling never left me. The older I got, the more I was able to see it. Then, when I was 28, my father came into some money. He has always been consumed with guilt about my childhood, and decided that he owed it to me to have my face fixed. He offered to pay for any surgery I wanted, all I had to do was name the procedures and he would write the checks. A full makeover that only hope, dreams, and money could buy.
I turned him down.
I just can't see ugly any more. There is nothing about my face or body that I would change, not one inch. I'm gorgeous, and even when I try, I can't find a fault. I get better every year, and if you ask me when I'm 80, I'll probably tell you that I'm the most beautiful pirate-gladiator-ninja in the retirement castle, and so is everyone else. At some point, everyone became like Samantha in my eyes. They all have this other beauty. Seriously, the closest I can come to evaluating other people’s appearance is noting whether I'm attracted to them or not, and even then they are still beautiful to my mind if not my lady parts. The downside is, of course, that I buy way too many shoes and cloths because I look so pretty in them (how horrible for me!).
In regard to your son:
You say that your son doesn't understand "meanness." He doesn't really get it, or why people would act that way. This is an amazing quality, one that would change the world if only more people had it. He is amazing. He is already a better person then most people will ever be, and if you have it in you to summon up every sliver of your motherly love and strength, you can convince him that being mean is wrong, and he is right for seeing it for what it is. That he is right for wanting to treat people with respect, and for respecting his own feelings. It may take you years to convince him, and yourself, but you can do it. And once he believes it the bullies wont matter, they will just become noise to him. He'll start hanging out with the cool kids that get the kindness thing, and respect each other. The kindest pirate-gladiator-ninjas in the land who stand up for the down-and-out and help people in need.
He isn't crying because someone doesn't like his socks, he's crying because he's frustrated with the teasing and insults. He's on the path to being a truly great man, but you need to help him get there. You need to convince him that kindness is right.
posted by Shouraku at 10:36 PM on April 20, 2013 [132 favorites]
If its a small class, invite the kids over to your place. Invite the kids parents to your place. Watch how he interacts with other kids. I was teased brutally when I was a kid, and now that I look back on it, I painted a fat target on myself in a lot of ways that its easy to see now, but obviously impossible for me to see when I was in the middle of it.
Don't tell the kid to just ignore it and it will stop. It won't. It's a lie, and only makes it feel worse for the kid, because he's doing what you said and it won't stop.
He needs to learn how to deal with people. This is not something that comes naturally. He needs to practice it. Roleplay with him. Teach him how to introduce himself to people, how to share. How to be kind, how to handle disappointment, how to answer questions in class. You may think he's a little angel, but you don't see him in school. He might be making people feel stupid or being selfish or being mean, not necessarily on purpose. The crying may seem sensitive to you, but for the other kids its breaking the rules to try and get his way, which isn't fair to them.
Don't tell the kid that he's special, that he's better than them, that they only do it because they're jealous of him, that there is nothing he can do to stop it. It will only make it worse.
I'm not telling you that the bullying is his fault. I'm just telling you that he has some control over it, and to empower him by giving him some tools to deal with it.
posted by empath at 12:30 AM on April 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
Don't tell the kid to just ignore it and it will stop. It won't. It's a lie, and only makes it feel worse for the kid, because he's doing what you said and it won't stop.
He needs to learn how to deal with people. This is not something that comes naturally. He needs to practice it. Roleplay with him. Teach him how to introduce himself to people, how to share. How to be kind, how to handle disappointment, how to answer questions in class. You may think he's a little angel, but you don't see him in school. He might be making people feel stupid or being selfish or being mean, not necessarily on purpose. The crying may seem sensitive to you, but for the other kids its breaking the rules to try and get his way, which isn't fair to them.
Don't tell the kid that he's special, that he's better than them, that they only do it because they're jealous of him, that there is nothing he can do to stop it. It will only make it worse.
I'm not telling you that the bullying is his fault. I'm just telling you that he has some control over it, and to empower him by giving him some tools to deal with it.
posted by empath at 12:30 AM on April 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
-- My son is an only child. He is 8. I am a single mother.
Children learn a tremendous amount about appropriate behaviour by modelling the adults around him. He needs a male role model, whom he can both speak with (that is very important) and also model his behaviour on.
He is highly sensitive and deeply emotional. That can be a very powerful advantage in life, especially if correctly cultivated. However, it is also difficult during the identity formation years, for his peers (will probably) be modelling on stereotypical gender roles. The males may be aggressive, the earliest learnings about forming dominance hierarchies.
What you do not want is for him to see his sensitivity and emotionality as a weakness, and try to suppress it. This will look like the inverse – callousness. If you start to see that emerge, I highly suggest you have a think about his immediate surroundings. Once he starts foreclosing on he emotional side, he will find it relieves the bullying and negative attention. However, it may well be a coping mechanism and prevent him from realising his authentic self and reaching his potential in a variety of ways.
Thus, a trusted male role model he can speak with, and model will give him the greatest chance to develop the other side of his personality – that of a male boy in a world where other male boys are learning dominance. He will need to talk about his feels to another man, and learn how that man reacts, and then form appropriate reactions himself.
Team sports will be very good for him. Beyond playing team sports, if he can take a leadership role in these sports. If you think about what it means to be a man in a society – not a male, but a man – it really comes down to the appropriate use of physical power. Any leadership roles he can begin to take now will help, for he will start learning responsibility.
-- He has serious issues sticking up for himself in that he cannot fathom why anyone would be mean to anyone and instead of walking away from a kid taunting him he will try and talk it out and reason (as best an 8 year old can). This doesn't really work and just prolongs the situation. How can I explain and teach him that walking away is sometimes the best option?
The problem is that the other kids are looking for attention and he is giving it to him. The things that bullies and aggressive children react to is the emotional response of their targets. Much like infants express joy at kicking a mobile – they have modified their environment – the other kids are getting a response from your son. Chances are you have taught him to discuss disagreements, and use reason and communication to solve problems. That sounds like what he is trying to do.
He needs to begin to learn the gradations attached to that. In situations where there is mutual respect and the goal of a common outcome – a family situation – that will work. When it comes to other kids, he literally just needs to carry on. This is not walking away, but walking through. Walking away is better than fighting or being bullied, but it's still an emotional reaction, and the aggressor will still find a result there. He literally needs to act like they don't exist.
They are competing for his attention, trying to take it from him. So he should not give it to him. This is not the easy road. The easy road is to start fighting and learn how to win. The hard road is to walk though the noise and bullshit. He needs to let them literally bounce of him. Unless they physically assault him, and then the solution is that he needs to fight.
-- He is a cryer. When faced with a taunt and the inability to understand why someone would do that, he just cries. This of course leads to more taunts. I really, really try to be sensitive to this but sometimes it's hard for me (he has seen me cry less than a handful of times in 8 years). Friday, he cried in class because there was a vote on a party theme and his favorite did not win. Another child mocked him and called him a crybaby. He was relaying this tragedy to me and I was trying really hard to be sympathetic but it took a lot of drowning out the "maybe don't be a baby about not getting your way and then people won't make fun of you!" in my head. I was at a loss for words because I could offer no comfort. So, where's the line here? I obviously don't want to agree with a kid picking on my own but I don't want to baby and pamper his every complaint either.
What is crying? It is literally a cry for help. It means, I cannot sort this out and I need help. It is born of frustration and inability to change a circumstance. Think about a baby crying. It's an alarm, saying the baby is hungry. Obviously it cannot source food for itself, it needs parental attention. Similarly, think about an adult that loses a job or is a victim of violence. Their cries indicate powerlessness – they are not capable to modifying the situation. Anger results when one feels they've been wronged and can modify the situation. Anger is the response that boots the person into action. Crying means helplessness and powerlessness.
So it seems he feels helpless and powerless to modify the situation. This goes back to the first point about having a male role model and understanding the appropriate responses to situations. Single mothers can be amazing and take care of their sons very capably, however, he is modelling female responses to situations. Now, we can be all sheryl sandberg about this and say that the world should be gender-neutral and kids should be who they are. That's great in theory, but the reality is there is an environment in which your son is operating, and his current capabilities are not serving him. They're leaving him helpless. And he's probably confused, for he is being authentic and modelling behaviour, as he is wired to do. But it's not helping resolve the situation. Because he's not modelling behaviour appropriate for his environment.
He needs to learn how to handle these situations as little boy, not a little girl. When little girls are bullied, there is often swift administrative reactions. Hence why little girls often resort to psychological bullying. This is just the result of our society. I am neither condoning or refuting it. Little boys are being little boys, which involves navigating the dominance hierarchy. And so we let them do that.
He needs the tools to do that, and good god, it's not television or any kind of media where male dominance has turned into ultra-violence. You stepped on my foot, so I'm going to blow up your car. That's a bit extreme. So let's look at his crying a cognitive dissonance, between the techniques that work at home – we'll call that his feminine side – and what he experiences at school, where he needs to be a little boy.
-- Son is articulate for his age and gifted. He does amazing in school and plays plenty of sports (on teams with the kids that occasionally rib on him). He is friends with these boys 98% of the time. When they throw a quick insult his way he becomes convinced they "don't like him". How can I tamper down these thoughts?
If he is a high-achiever, the other kids may well feel intimidated by him. I've seen very smart young kids struggle in normal environments. They adopt coping behaviours because they are too smart for where they are. In the best situations, they are involved in other activities that stimulate their intellectual capabilities. In my day, it was called Great Books and Great Math. These were groups of the high achieving kids where they were challenged and given a place to achieve. Without activities where their high achiever status is accepted and cultivated, it is possible they will see it as a weakness and foreclose on it.
Overall, it sounds like his real problems are 1) lack of a male role model to teach him appropriate male responses to the cultural hierarchies that are forming, and 2) related to that, high intellectual performance, and lagging social performance. The 2% of time these boys are throwing insults at him can erase that other 98% of time, for inferiority is self-reinforcing. If he feels inferior, he will act inferior. If he acts inferior, they will treat him as such. Amplify that down the line, and what seems like a small problem now, in an extreme case, could shape his entire life.
That probably won't happen. Most times it seems that kids figure these things out, but it's definitely something to watch as time goes on.
And I don't say all this abstractly. My own situation was not entirely different, and I handled it by foreclosing on parts of myself at an early age it took a long time to get back. I've looked at it for about fifteen years from a variety of different angles, from formal psychological studies, to ongoing observation, and the real key is not to tell him how a man acts and expect he will adopt those behaviours, but to show him. He literally needs to learn by watching and doing.
posted by nickrussell at 1:12 AM on April 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
Children learn a tremendous amount about appropriate behaviour by modelling the adults around him. He needs a male role model, whom he can both speak with (that is very important) and also model his behaviour on.
He is highly sensitive and deeply emotional. That can be a very powerful advantage in life, especially if correctly cultivated. However, it is also difficult during the identity formation years, for his peers (will probably) be modelling on stereotypical gender roles. The males may be aggressive, the earliest learnings about forming dominance hierarchies.
What you do not want is for him to see his sensitivity and emotionality as a weakness, and try to suppress it. This will look like the inverse – callousness. If you start to see that emerge, I highly suggest you have a think about his immediate surroundings. Once he starts foreclosing on he emotional side, he will find it relieves the bullying and negative attention. However, it may well be a coping mechanism and prevent him from realising his authentic self and reaching his potential in a variety of ways.
Thus, a trusted male role model he can speak with, and model will give him the greatest chance to develop the other side of his personality – that of a male boy in a world where other male boys are learning dominance. He will need to talk about his feels to another man, and learn how that man reacts, and then form appropriate reactions himself.
Team sports will be very good for him. Beyond playing team sports, if he can take a leadership role in these sports. If you think about what it means to be a man in a society – not a male, but a man – it really comes down to the appropriate use of physical power. Any leadership roles he can begin to take now will help, for he will start learning responsibility.
-- He has serious issues sticking up for himself in that he cannot fathom why anyone would be mean to anyone and instead of walking away from a kid taunting him he will try and talk it out and reason (as best an 8 year old can). This doesn't really work and just prolongs the situation. How can I explain and teach him that walking away is sometimes the best option?
The problem is that the other kids are looking for attention and he is giving it to him. The things that bullies and aggressive children react to is the emotional response of their targets. Much like infants express joy at kicking a mobile – they have modified their environment – the other kids are getting a response from your son. Chances are you have taught him to discuss disagreements, and use reason and communication to solve problems. That sounds like what he is trying to do.
He needs to begin to learn the gradations attached to that. In situations where there is mutual respect and the goal of a common outcome – a family situation – that will work. When it comes to other kids, he literally just needs to carry on. This is not walking away, but walking through. Walking away is better than fighting or being bullied, but it's still an emotional reaction, and the aggressor will still find a result there. He literally needs to act like they don't exist.
They are competing for his attention, trying to take it from him. So he should not give it to him. This is not the easy road. The easy road is to start fighting and learn how to win. The hard road is to walk though the noise and bullshit. He needs to let them literally bounce of him. Unless they physically assault him, and then the solution is that he needs to fight.
-- He is a cryer. When faced with a taunt and the inability to understand why someone would do that, he just cries. This of course leads to more taunts. I really, really try to be sensitive to this but sometimes it's hard for me (he has seen me cry less than a handful of times in 8 years). Friday, he cried in class because there was a vote on a party theme and his favorite did not win. Another child mocked him and called him a crybaby. He was relaying this tragedy to me and I was trying really hard to be sympathetic but it took a lot of drowning out the "maybe don't be a baby about not getting your way and then people won't make fun of you!" in my head. I was at a loss for words because I could offer no comfort. So, where's the line here? I obviously don't want to agree with a kid picking on my own but I don't want to baby and pamper his every complaint either.
What is crying? It is literally a cry for help. It means, I cannot sort this out and I need help. It is born of frustration and inability to change a circumstance. Think about a baby crying. It's an alarm, saying the baby is hungry. Obviously it cannot source food for itself, it needs parental attention. Similarly, think about an adult that loses a job or is a victim of violence. Their cries indicate powerlessness – they are not capable to modifying the situation. Anger results when one feels they've been wronged and can modify the situation. Anger is the response that boots the person into action. Crying means helplessness and powerlessness.
So it seems he feels helpless and powerless to modify the situation. This goes back to the first point about having a male role model and understanding the appropriate responses to situations. Single mothers can be amazing and take care of their sons very capably, however, he is modelling female responses to situations. Now, we can be all sheryl sandberg about this and say that the world should be gender-neutral and kids should be who they are. That's great in theory, but the reality is there is an environment in which your son is operating, and his current capabilities are not serving him. They're leaving him helpless. And he's probably confused, for he is being authentic and modelling behaviour, as he is wired to do. But it's not helping resolve the situation. Because he's not modelling behaviour appropriate for his environment.
He needs to learn how to handle these situations as little boy, not a little girl. When little girls are bullied, there is often swift administrative reactions. Hence why little girls often resort to psychological bullying. This is just the result of our society. I am neither condoning or refuting it. Little boys are being little boys, which involves navigating the dominance hierarchy. And so we let them do that.
He needs the tools to do that, and good god, it's not television or any kind of media where male dominance has turned into ultra-violence. You stepped on my foot, so I'm going to blow up your car. That's a bit extreme. So let's look at his crying a cognitive dissonance, between the techniques that work at home – we'll call that his feminine side – and what he experiences at school, where he needs to be a little boy.
-- Son is articulate for his age and gifted. He does amazing in school and plays plenty of sports (on teams with the kids that occasionally rib on him). He is friends with these boys 98% of the time. When they throw a quick insult his way he becomes convinced they "don't like him". How can I tamper down these thoughts?
If he is a high-achiever, the other kids may well feel intimidated by him. I've seen very smart young kids struggle in normal environments. They adopt coping behaviours because they are too smart for where they are. In the best situations, they are involved in other activities that stimulate their intellectual capabilities. In my day, it was called Great Books and Great Math. These were groups of the high achieving kids where they were challenged and given a place to achieve. Without activities where their high achiever status is accepted and cultivated, it is possible they will see it as a weakness and foreclose on it.
Overall, it sounds like his real problems are 1) lack of a male role model to teach him appropriate male responses to the cultural hierarchies that are forming, and 2) related to that, high intellectual performance, and lagging social performance. The 2% of time these boys are throwing insults at him can erase that other 98% of time, for inferiority is self-reinforcing. If he feels inferior, he will act inferior. If he acts inferior, they will treat him as such. Amplify that down the line, and what seems like a small problem now, in an extreme case, could shape his entire life.
That probably won't happen. Most times it seems that kids figure these things out, but it's definitely something to watch as time goes on.
And I don't say all this abstractly. My own situation was not entirely different, and I handled it by foreclosing on parts of myself at an early age it took a long time to get back. I've looked at it for about fifteen years from a variety of different angles, from formal psychological studies, to ongoing observation, and the real key is not to tell him how a man acts and expect he will adopt those behaviours, but to show him. He literally needs to learn by watching and doing.
posted by nickrussell at 1:12 AM on April 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yes, please don't call him 'oversensitive', he's already overwhelmed. On the other hand, indulging a feeling of powerlessness and victimization doesn't do him favours either. Social skills training, definitely. He needs objective help decoding other kids' behaviour, and assistance with emotional regulation (e.g., help exploring some of the things he could do, other than cry - that's careful work though, walking the line between empathizing, picking out behaviours in a neutral, supportive way, and avoiding unintentionally blaming or labelling him). He might also need help decoding other behaviours too - if he's a bit of a bully in his own way (wanting his favourite to win), that only exacerbates differences. A school psychologist might prove a useful resource, if you find yourself irritated and at a loss.
Also, I know it's kind of an 80s dad thing to say, but, think about enrolling him in some kind of martial arts class. In the right place, he could learn a lot more than the crane kick.
(Won't get into my stuff except to say, ooh yeah, lots is familiar here, and extra-curriculars were hugely important.)
posted by nelljie at 2:39 AM on April 21, 2013
Also, I know it's kind of an 80s dad thing to say, but, think about enrolling him in some kind of martial arts class. In the right place, he could learn a lot more than the crane kick.
(Won't get into my stuff except to say, ooh yeah, lots is familiar here, and extra-curriculars were hugely important.)
posted by nelljie at 2:39 AM on April 21, 2013
Loads of good advice for your kid; I have a humble suggestion for you, which is that it is okay to say "I had a bit of a hard day too, and right now I only want to talk about good things. Got any ideas?" or some such, and maybe try to batch-process on weekends. You're not required to listen to the inventorying of problems on a daily basis; it's not cold-hearted to short-circuit that, especially as it's not actually helping, and turn it into a Big Talk later so it's not an everyday thing that leaves you resentful and him feeling his routine problems are the family priority.
I am in favour of honesty with children; with the crying over the party theme vote thing you mention, I would have blandly told my own that yes, people are going to taunt if you respond like that.
Not sure I agree with the idea that his is a 'female response.' Or that his father will be equipped to deal in ways you are not -- not to denigrate his value here, but, in this thread we have both the idea that adulthood was a relief because adults don't act like jerky kids, and, also, the idea that he can learn how to handle this by observing an adult male.
There is perhaps also a slight disconnect in
How can I explain and teach him that walking away is sometimes the best option?
&
when I got picked on I used quick wit to deflect and disarm anyone that was mean to me
You could tell him about your own experiences -- not as a 'Here is how you must behave' thing, just: 'This happened to me and here is how I responded.'
posted by kmennie at 5:43 AM on April 21, 2013
I am in favour of honesty with children; with the crying over the party theme vote thing you mention, I would have blandly told my own that yes, people are going to taunt if you respond like that.
Not sure I agree with the idea that his is a 'female response.' Or that his father will be equipped to deal in ways you are not -- not to denigrate his value here, but, in this thread we have both the idea that adulthood was a relief because adults don't act like jerky kids, and, also, the idea that he can learn how to handle this by observing an adult male.
There is perhaps also a slight disconnect in
How can I explain and teach him that walking away is sometimes the best option?
&
when I got picked on I used quick wit to deflect and disarm anyone that was mean to me
You could tell him about your own experiences -- not as a 'Here is how you must behave' thing, just: 'This happened to me and here is how I responded.'
posted by kmennie at 5:43 AM on April 21, 2013
People think small schools are good for kids who are sensitive or unusual. I am not so sure. If you cut down my social pool like that there is a hell of a lot less people for me to find someone to gel with, and a much greater need for everyone else to conform to the mainstream culture of the school so as not to risk exclusion. In other words, if there's 100 kids in my year, and 80% of them don't like me, I still have 19 other kids to try my luck with. If 80% of my peer-group of twenty don't like me, that's 3 other kids to have a chance of meshing with. And if two of them are pretending not to like me to avoid exclusion... or three?
posted by Iteki at 5:48 AM on April 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 5:48 AM on April 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
So much fantastic help already provided here. Mefites are bottomless wells of awesome.
I love how well you seem to understand the differences between your emotional makeup and your son's and can totally understand your frustration at how unalike you are. He just doesn't respond like you would, and that makes you feel helpless and unequipped, when I bet in most other areas of your life you are in control and very capable. The one area you want to excel in, you just are at a loss. YOU also need to train yourself to realize this is not your fault and that in this one area, you need to get help and not feel in any way a failure for doing so. The advice given here is some of the best I have ever read on this site.
He needs some cultural countermeasures that allow him to occupy his own place in the world on his own terms, and not feel compelled to engage his entire psyche 100% in every little bullying breeze that buffets the playground. I know of several kids much like your son who benefited from tae kwon do, etc. as the class structure supports personal responsibility and a culture of respect.
As kids progress, they really are competing against themselves, and it engenders a great deal of self-worth. Being able to fall back on a storehouse of confidence that comes from that type of achievement makes the insults lose much of their power.
"So what, I don't need to care about your insults, you're just not that important; I'm going to walk away and think about how cool it was when I got my yellow belt and realize yet again that this too shall pass."
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 5:58 AM on April 21, 2013
I love how well you seem to understand the differences between your emotional makeup and your son's and can totally understand your frustration at how unalike you are. He just doesn't respond like you would, and that makes you feel helpless and unequipped, when I bet in most other areas of your life you are in control and very capable. The one area you want to excel in, you just are at a loss. YOU also need to train yourself to realize this is not your fault and that in this one area, you need to get help and not feel in any way a failure for doing so. The advice given here is some of the best I have ever read on this site.
He needs some cultural countermeasures that allow him to occupy his own place in the world on his own terms, and not feel compelled to engage his entire psyche 100% in every little bullying breeze that buffets the playground. I know of several kids much like your son who benefited from tae kwon do, etc. as the class structure supports personal responsibility and a culture of respect.
As kids progress, they really are competing against themselves, and it engenders a great deal of self-worth. Being able to fall back on a storehouse of confidence that comes from that type of achievement makes the insults lose much of their power.
"So what, I don't need to care about your insults, you're just not that important; I'm going to walk away and think about how cool it was when I got my yellow belt and realize yet again that this too shall pass."
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 5:58 AM on April 21, 2013
Response by poster: I woke this morning to all these answers and I must say, this set of responses are some of the greatest that I have seen on AskMefi in the year I've been kicking around here.
I cannot thank you all enough for your care and advice here and especially for the sharing of your own stories. While my son sleeps I've got a notebook and pen by my side and I'm taking notes right now. Truly, I'm a little bit in awe of how awesome these responses are.
Just to address a couple things: My son's father knows of the situation but is not in a position to help really, However, my son is lucky enough to have my own wonderful father as a male role model. Dad lives next door and is my son's basketball coach. He has been great about helping with this; I'm going to share this thread with him and sees if he sees anything that maybe he, as a male, can specifically help with. I also bought the two books mentioned and will read those as well.
My son has friends, plenty of them. He is active in three separate sports teams that keep us busy all year long. We have sleepovers and play dates frequently. About once a week there is a shindig that involves multiple parents and kids his age. I have observed and that's why I brought my question here -- I have seen the kind of insults that by default ruin his day and I just couldn't understand why he was missing the 99% good day in favor of focusing on the 1% shit part.
Again, the answers here have been eye-opening and give me oh so much to consider and put into play going forward. I already feel so much better because I feel like I have some real advice that might actually help.
I'm going to re-read and read again everything here this morning. And then I'll read it one more time. I cannot say thanks enough to those who shared. Truly. You all are seriously amazing.
posted by youandiandaflame at 6:31 AM on April 21, 2013 [9 favorites]
I cannot thank you all enough for your care and advice here and especially for the sharing of your own stories. While my son sleeps I've got a notebook and pen by my side and I'm taking notes right now. Truly, I'm a little bit in awe of how awesome these responses are.
Just to address a couple things: My son's father knows of the situation but is not in a position to help really, However, my son is lucky enough to have my own wonderful father as a male role model. Dad lives next door and is my son's basketball coach. He has been great about helping with this; I'm going to share this thread with him and sees if he sees anything that maybe he, as a male, can specifically help with. I also bought the two books mentioned and will read those as well.
My son has friends, plenty of them. He is active in three separate sports teams that keep us busy all year long. We have sleepovers and play dates frequently. About once a week there is a shindig that involves multiple parents and kids his age. I have observed and that's why I brought my question here -- I have seen the kind of insults that by default ruin his day and I just couldn't understand why he was missing the 99% good day in favor of focusing on the 1% shit part.
Again, the answers here have been eye-opening and give me oh so much to consider and put into play going forward. I already feel so much better because I feel like I have some real advice that might actually help.
I'm going to re-read and read again everything here this morning. And then I'll read it one more time. I cannot say thanks enough to those who shared. Truly. You all are seriously amazing.
posted by youandiandaflame at 6:31 AM on April 21, 2013 [9 favorites]
They are competing for his attention, trying to take it from him. So he should not give it to him. This is not the easy road. The easy road is to start fighting and learn how to win. The hard road is to walk though the noise and bullshit.
Please do not give this advice or expect this level of social adeptness out of an 8 year old. The reason we are able to cut through bullshit and ignore toxic people and situations is because we have decades worth of social experience at navigating these situations. Children are much simpler and require simpler solutions. It's not really a good idea to expect a lot out of a child and then go on to blame HIM when he cannot achieve the desired result simply because its not aesthetically pleasing for you to see someone "fight and win [or at least hold his own]" socially. The punching bag ignores the boxer, as well-- the boxer continues to punch it, though.
Hyper sensitivity is just the stage people are in when their executive function and self-control has not fully developed. It is something that comes with practice, so their may be some value to giving him opportunities to develop this level of self control. It seems like you are on the right track with sports and lots of friends and he will develop it over time as he ages.
You say he does "amazing in school." It may be that your child isn't being academically challenged enough, so he has little personal experience of facing frustration in a protected, mentored environment that is a classroom. That might be something good for him-- find him a situation where he is being constantly academically challenged and engaged where he can learn to deal with difficulty while still maintaining self control.
posted by deanc at 8:08 AM on April 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
Please do not give this advice or expect this level of social adeptness out of an 8 year old. The reason we are able to cut through bullshit and ignore toxic people and situations is because we have decades worth of social experience at navigating these situations. Children are much simpler and require simpler solutions. It's not really a good idea to expect a lot out of a child and then go on to blame HIM when he cannot achieve the desired result simply because its not aesthetically pleasing for you to see someone "fight and win [or at least hold his own]" socially. The punching bag ignores the boxer, as well-- the boxer continues to punch it, though.
Hyper sensitivity is just the stage people are in when their executive function and self-control has not fully developed. It is something that comes with practice, so their may be some value to giving him opportunities to develop this level of self control. It seems like you are on the right track with sports and lots of friends and he will develop it over time as he ages.
You say he does "amazing in school." It may be that your child isn't being academically challenged enough, so he has little personal experience of facing frustration in a protected, mentored environment that is a classroom. That might be something good for him-- find him a situation where he is being constantly academically challenged and engaged where he can learn to deal with difficulty while still maintaining self control.
posted by deanc at 8:08 AM on April 21, 2013 [3 favorites]
Don't know if it will work for your child but this worked for me when I was young.
When you are called "x'
you reply why yes I am 'x'. My father was an 'x', my father's father was an 'x' as was his father before him. In fact I come from a very long line of 'x's
It definitely confused the bully :)
posted by 2manyusernames at 8:29 AM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
When you are called "x'
you reply why yes I am 'x'. My father was an 'x', my father's father was an 'x' as was his father before him. In fact I come from a very long line of 'x's
It definitely confused the bully :)
posted by 2manyusernames at 8:29 AM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was a kid much like your son, but with a different background--the most emotionally expressive in a family of female feelers, including a single mother. I know that in many ways my empathy arose out of feeling that I had to carry the emotional burdens of my family. No one asked me to care for them, but I was a natural caretaker and remain, to this day, extraordinarily sensitive and also hyperperceptive of the moods of others, even when unstated. Your son is probably seeing and reading quite a bit in social interactions that would not be apparent to others, including you.
What would have been good in those days would have been to learn that crying was a choice--as are other strong emotions like anger. It's okay to be mad or sad, but I often felt like I was a prisoner of these emotions. I think its great that you are processing after. Please continue to be available in this way--and let him know that when he feels sad or hurt, that its okay to not react right away but to come to you and talk about it later. That way, the two of you can discuss what to do next as a team. This helps him begin to learn some emotional regulation and distance while not feeling one with his strange,, intense emotions.
But sometimes you just have to be sad. I'm an adult and bullying behavior still strikes me as bizarre and tragic. It's good that he wants to acknowledge how wrong this behavior is--means you are raising a child who will refuse to compound the negativity of the world around him. Just don't let him carry that burden alone.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:18 AM on April 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
What would have been good in those days would have been to learn that crying was a choice--as are other strong emotions like anger. It's okay to be mad or sad, but I often felt like I was a prisoner of these emotions. I think its great that you are processing after. Please continue to be available in this way--and let him know that when he feels sad or hurt, that its okay to not react right away but to come to you and talk about it later. That way, the two of you can discuss what to do next as a team. This helps him begin to learn some emotional regulation and distance while not feeling one with his strange,, intense emotions.
But sometimes you just have to be sad. I'm an adult and bullying behavior still strikes me as bizarre and tragic. It's good that he wants to acknowledge how wrong this behavior is--means you are raising a child who will refuse to compound the negativity of the world around him. Just don't let him carry that burden alone.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:18 AM on April 21, 2013 [4 favorites]
Oh, and I agree that part of the problem may be that this might not be the right school environment for him--I was gifted and all of my school related meltdowns were over incidents in my mainstream classes where teachers had overly rigid expectations and were frustrated by the fact that I used out of the box thinking or finished assignments quickly. Group work was difficult, too--I would often be put in a position where I had to essentially instruct my peers. If he is not being appropriately challenged, he might be frustrated by that (and often other students are aware of this and resentful).
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:34 AM on April 21, 2013
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:34 AM on April 21, 2013
Aside from sports, I wonder if he is interested in creative pursuits? As a sensitive kid (and adult), sports was a an invaluable learning experience throughout my youth. I learned to recognize my emotions, and handle them. But I found myself most at home and not fighting myself when pursuing creative endeavors. We need more people like him in the creative world. He sees the world differently than most people, you have a special kid!
posted by Sreiny at 10:51 AM on April 21, 2013
posted by Sreiny at 10:51 AM on April 21, 2013
Widening his social circle and finding mentors a little closer to his age could help.
-I was a big dork in school, but found friends readily on swim team, in Hebrew school, and in art-related day camps. It made the school time less annoying.
-Big Brothers or some other mentoring program might give him some perspective beyond what you, your dad, and your son's father can do. The gap between an eight-year old and and an adult is huge in terms of ability to empathize/strategize. Maybe at some point, he can be someone else's mentor and give back.
-We always had pretty awesome regular babysitters. I don't think my parents meant this as a mentoring experience, but it wound up being one every Saturday night. Thirty years later, I still remember stuff they taught me and the books, athletics, and theatre stuff they exposed me to.
-If none of this helps, therapy might be a good option. Sometimes you're outmanned and outgunned and need to bring in new team members. It might be a really short-term thing that makes a big difference.
posted by *s at 11:51 AM on April 21, 2013
-I was a big dork in school, but found friends readily on swim team, in Hebrew school, and in art-related day camps. It made the school time less annoying.
-Big Brothers or some other mentoring program might give him some perspective beyond what you, your dad, and your son's father can do. The gap between an eight-year old and and an adult is huge in terms of ability to empathize/strategize. Maybe at some point, he can be someone else's mentor and give back.
-We always had pretty awesome regular babysitters. I don't think my parents meant this as a mentoring experience, but it wound up being one every Saturday night. Thirty years later, I still remember stuff they taught me and the books, athletics, and theatre stuff they exposed me to.
-If none of this helps, therapy might be a good option. Sometimes you're outmanned and outgunned and need to bring in new team members. It might be a really short-term thing that makes a big difference.
posted by *s at 11:51 AM on April 21, 2013
I have that kid for a child (he's 18 now). The fact that he talks to you and has a positive male role model is the biggest part. I know how hard it is as a parent to hear your kid cried at school and was picked on. It breaks your heart. And yet, he's got friends, sleepovers and plays team sports - those are things that really speak to how well he is doing. He's a sensitive little guy and sometimes IMO they have to work this out with and around their peer group. My advice, keep talking to him. I agree with whomever said small classes can be hard since there isn't always enough diversity in the group. I also agree with the idea that his tears may be born out of frustration of either not articulating his thoughts well or simply not being heard in the group. I would encourage you to find outside interests (away from his school group) that could help him balance out the feelings.
posted by lasamana at 1:25 PM on April 21, 2013
posted by lasamana at 1:25 PM on April 21, 2013
-- My son is an only child. He is 8. I am a single mother.
-- He has serious issues sticking up for himself in that he cannot fathom why anyone would be mean to anyone and instead of walking away from a kid taunting him he will try and talk it out and reason (as best an 8 year old can). This doesn't really work and just prolongs the situation. How can I explain and teach him that walking away is sometimes the best option?
I'd guess that your son could have a perception-- however misguided or mistaken-- that his father or an important father figure should have stayed around and tried to work things out instead of simply walking away, and that if your son does walk away in these situations, it excuses that father figure and constitutes an admission that he did the right thing.
If you think that could be the case, getting him to walk away when it's appropriate could be as simple as telling him that walking away doesn't mean that it was OK for someone important to walk away from him and hurt him the way they did.
However, I do think it's possible that helping him explore his feelings about the person who left and issues of abandonment could cause all the problems you mention he's having at school to ameliorate almost without direct intervention.
posted by jamjam at 2:05 PM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
-- He has serious issues sticking up for himself in that he cannot fathom why anyone would be mean to anyone and instead of walking away from a kid taunting him he will try and talk it out and reason (as best an 8 year old can). This doesn't really work and just prolongs the situation. How can I explain and teach him that walking away is sometimes the best option?
I'd guess that your son could have a perception-- however misguided or mistaken-- that his father or an important father figure should have stayed around and tried to work things out instead of simply walking away, and that if your son does walk away in these situations, it excuses that father figure and constitutes an admission that he did the right thing.
If you think that could be the case, getting him to walk away when it's appropriate could be as simple as telling him that walking away doesn't mean that it was OK for someone important to walk away from him and hurt him the way they did.
However, I do think it's possible that helping him explore his feelings about the person who left and issues of abandonment could cause all the problems you mention he's having at school to ameliorate almost without direct intervention.
posted by jamjam at 2:05 PM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was this kid. I agree very much with the suggestions above, especially that of jamjam. I know that was certainly part of it for me.
My suggestion would be to move him to a new school if possible. There's simply no way to cope in small, toxic social environments. What if you worked at a toxic job with a crappy manager and mean co-workers. Would any suggestions really help, other than leaving? What about people telling you to "toughen up" and that you're "too sensitive". Would you do your best work and thrive?
Also, you're only 8 years old and don't know much about the world and have never worked anywhere else.
Instead of trying to cope with crappy environments, I think the best thing to do is move out of them.
posted by 3491again at 3:17 PM on April 21, 2013
My suggestion would be to move him to a new school if possible. There's simply no way to cope in small, toxic social environments. What if you worked at a toxic job with a crappy manager and mean co-workers. Would any suggestions really help, other than leaving? What about people telling you to "toughen up" and that you're "too sensitive". Would you do your best work and thrive?
Also, you're only 8 years old and don't know much about the world and have never worked anywhere else.
Instead of trying to cope with crappy environments, I think the best thing to do is move out of them.
posted by 3491again at 3:17 PM on April 21, 2013
My kid is 5, not 8, but we often talk about self-modulation in terms of sort of outside forces, like when a Big Emotion is in play. Then, it's not about being an Angry Person, or a Crybaby, but about being in the grip of this Big Emotion, and your choices/tasks are learning how to handle that, what are productive ways to vent it, what are helpful things to think about, etc. That might help your kid get away from the terribleness of the insults (real or imagined) and more about the Big Sadness that needs to be handled afterwards. Maybe sometimes you cry, maybe sometimes you run around a tree three times, whatever. Things to bridge the space between the unmanageableness of now and the possible better coping skills that he may develop in time (and/or with help).
posted by acm at 7:21 AM on April 22, 2013
posted by acm at 7:21 AM on April 22, 2013
I'm already dealing with this with my 4 y.o., who is very sensitive.
I liked snickerdoodle's advice to separate the feelings (how did that make you feel?) from the actions (now what should you do?). Just being able to compartmentalize (and name) the feelings helps a lot.
I also liked the modeling and rehearsal suggestions. My 4 y.o. loves imaginary play, so we sometimes role-play where she's the mean kid and I'm her.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:44 PM on April 24, 2013
I liked snickerdoodle's advice to separate the feelings (how did that make you feel?) from the actions (now what should you do?). Just being able to compartmentalize (and name) the feelings helps a lot.
I also liked the modeling and rehearsal suggestions. My 4 y.o. loves imaginary play, so we sometimes role-play where she's the mean kid and I'm her.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:44 PM on April 24, 2013
He is active in three separate sports teams that keep us busy all year long.
I've found this to be a huge help for my daughter -- cultivating expertise and skill in something. It doesn't have to be sports--dance, martial arts, chess, etc. For me, a lot of the issues are around social anxiety and self-confidence. Skill mastery has helped a lot with the second.
As intense and primitive as sports can be, they were hugely helpful for me as a (shy, quiet) child, b/c they are generally meritocratic, i.e. if you are good you are good. It (usually) doesn't matter what anyone says.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:49 PM on April 24, 2013
I've found this to be a huge help for my daughter -- cultivating expertise and skill in something. It doesn't have to be sports--dance, martial arts, chess, etc. For me, a lot of the issues are around social anxiety and self-confidence. Skill mastery has helped a lot with the second.
As intense and primitive as sports can be, they were hugely helpful for me as a (shy, quiet) child, b/c they are generally meritocratic, i.e. if you are good you are good. It (usually) doesn't matter what anyone says.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:49 PM on April 24, 2013
As intense and primitive as sports can be, they were hugely helpful for me as a (shy, quiet) child, b/c they are generally meritocratic, i.e. if you are good you are good. It (usually) doesn't matter what anyone says.
Of course, if you're bad, it's gonna come down to group dynamics.
But I agree. With time and practice, sports, or any skilled activity, are a great confidence-booster.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:39 PM on April 24, 2013
Of course, if you're bad, it's gonna come down to group dynamics.
But I agree. With time and practice, sports, or any skilled activity, are a great confidence-booster.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:39 PM on April 24, 2013
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You have a sensitive son with deep emotions. If you approach his sensitivity as a negative aspect of his personality, this is how he will eventually come to view it.
Encourage him to accept himself in all ways, including his sensitivity, and you will have a confident, well adjusted adult son.
posted by fireandthud at 6:48 PM on April 20, 2013 [25 favorites]