Mr. Nice Guy keeps going and going and going an...
April 20, 2013 3:49 PM Subscribe
I'm out for a walk taking some pictures and he stops to chat me up. We exchanged email addresses and now I'm regretting it BIG time.
A thought, an emoticon, a picture becomes a new email. Sometimes there's nothing in the body of the message leaving just this long message in the subject line. He's asked some incredibly invasive questions (I ignored them), asked that we spend time together every day to get to know each other better and ... uh...more. My last correspondence two weeks ago finished with, "good-bye" except he must have flunked reading comprehension because he keeps sending me mail. I've created a filter to send all his emails to trash, I'm not responding and I thought he finally clued in last week, but five new messages arrived today. It seems like he thinks if he harasses me I'll give in, he's calling it "perseverance".
I plan on continuing the radio silence, but because of this I wonder, how do you keep your online self safe when you're meeting new people? I thought I was doing this the right way, but I'm not so sure any more.
Feel free to talk to me like this is kindergarten because I'm obviously missing something.
A thought, an emoticon, a picture becomes a new email. Sometimes there's nothing in the body of the message leaving just this long message in the subject line. He's asked some incredibly invasive questions (I ignored them), asked that we spend time together every day to get to know each other better and ... uh...more. My last correspondence two weeks ago finished with, "good-bye" except he must have flunked reading comprehension because he keeps sending me mail. I've created a filter to send all his emails to trash, I'm not responding and I thought he finally clued in last week, but five new messages arrived today. It seems like he thinks if he harasses me I'll give in, he's calling it "perseverance".
I plan on continuing the radio silence, but because of this I wonder, how do you keep your online self safe when you're meeting new people? I thought I was doing this the right way, but I'm not so sure any more.
Feel free to talk to me like this is kindergarten because I'm obviously missing something.
In the email that ended with "good-bye" did you spell this out very clearly for him? "Do not contact me again." You should try that -- very clear, no extra words.
posted by Houstonian at 3:54 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Houstonian at 3:54 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
There's a study that's cited here a lot that says radio silence is really the best way to go. Any sort of contact, even negative contact, encourages them to harass you for longer.
Consider creating an e-mail filter so all of his messages automatically end up in a separate folder that you never look at (don't trash them, just in case it escalates, then you'll have evidence).
posted by zug at 3:55 PM on April 20, 2013 [20 favorites]
Consider creating an e-mail filter so all of his messages automatically end up in a separate folder that you never look at (don't trash them, just in case it escalates, then you'll have evidence).
posted by zug at 3:55 PM on April 20, 2013 [20 favorites]
Make it clear to him that you're not interested and that you don't want to hear from him again. He might be one of those people that won't take a hint so make it explicit - "I'm not interested in you, stop contacting me immediately." Lock down your social accounts if you haven't already, and make sure he doesn't have your address. Stop communicating with him immediately after you make it clear you're not talking to him or interested in him.
posted by playertobenamedlater at 3:55 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by playertobenamedlater at 3:55 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Depending on your email service, you should look up how to block an email address.
Also, my FB only has my FB email, not my personal email, and my websites only have a contact form. So I would probably, personally be more comfortable saying "Find me on Facebook" instead of an email address. Then I can easily block someone or report them on Facebook.
Again, that all depends on how much personal information you put on your social media profiles. Maybe it's something to think about. Again, see if you can block them through your email service. You should just be able to contact Support for information on blocking someone.
I wouldn't respond to them further.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:59 PM on April 20, 2013
Also, my FB only has my FB email, not my personal email, and my websites only have a contact form. So I would probably, personally be more comfortable saying "Find me on Facebook" instead of an email address. Then I can easily block someone or report them on Facebook.
Again, that all depends on how much personal information you put on your social media profiles. Maybe it's something to think about. Again, see if you can block them through your email service. You should just be able to contact Support for information on blocking someone.
I wouldn't respond to them further.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:59 PM on April 20, 2013
Response by poster: I just wanted to clarify, I did tell him to stop.
posted by redindiaink at 4:01 PM on April 20, 2013
posted by redindiaink at 4:01 PM on April 20, 2013
Rather than blocking, filter his emails into a folder where they are archived immediately, so you never see them in your inbox, but you can see if they're piling up and he's getting more obsessive.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:02 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 4:02 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Filter the emails so you never see them and keep up the radio silence. I had to do this with someone - he kept texting/tweeting/even endorsing me on linkedin for things and I had told I to stop contacting me. I just kept ignoring him because he would have used any engagement at all as a jumping point.
posted by fromageball at 4:09 PM on April 20, 2013
posted by fromageball at 4:09 PM on April 20, 2013
how do you keep your online self safe when you're meeting new people?
it can be helpful to have an additional email address that is not connected to anything else like your website, blog, or social media. that way the person can only have limited contact with you. don't use this email for your main corresponding but just for casual interactions or signing up for online newsletters, etc.
posted by wildflower at 4:11 PM on April 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
it can be helpful to have an additional email address that is not connected to anything else like your website, blog, or social media. that way the person can only have limited contact with you. don't use this email for your main corresponding but just for casual interactions or signing up for online newsletters, etc.
posted by wildflower at 4:11 PM on April 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
Okay, if you have already clearly told him you do not want any further contact (some explicit version of "Do not contact me again"), then you're already on the right path by refusing to respond, plus sending all his emails directly to a holding folder, not the trash: hopefully you won't ever need them, but just in case you ever do, you'll appreciate having them archived.
Do NOT break down and reply to him. It's called an "extinction burst": if you respond after 20 or 50 or whatever number of ignored emails, then what he's learned isn't that you don't want him in your life; what he HAS learned is that that's how many emails it takes to get your attention, and he'll keep sending them.
posted by easily confused at 4:18 PM on April 20, 2013 [18 favorites]
Do NOT break down and reply to him. It's called an "extinction burst": if you respond after 20 or 50 or whatever number of ignored emails, then what he's learned isn't that you don't want him in your life; what he HAS learned is that that's how many emails it takes to get your attention, and he'll keep sending them.
posted by easily confused at 4:18 PM on April 20, 2013 [18 favorites]
There are ways to de-escalate but if you do not know them you are probably best off just archiving in case it escalates and ignoring/not replying/blocking per the study and suggestions mentioned above by zug.
In case you are curious about de-escalating:
Most people trying to tell someone to go away or stop get it wrong because they seem to think their words are the most important part of the message. They aren't. Facial expression, voice tone, context, etc matter more. In email, you still have emoticons, tone of the message and so on. People like this are looking for something emotional. If you keep giving them a "hit" of that sort, it won't matter that you are saying "go the hell away." They will just keep coming back for more because you are giving them something they need. If you know how to not give that emotional hit while clearly explaining that you do not desire to remain in contact, another discussion can improve the situation and help you part on less acrimonious terms. If you don't, more contact is just putting out the fire with gasoline.
posted by Michele in California at 4:21 PM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
In case you are curious about de-escalating:
Most people trying to tell someone to go away or stop get it wrong because they seem to think their words are the most important part of the message. They aren't. Facial expression, voice tone, context, etc matter more. In email, you still have emoticons, tone of the message and so on. People like this are looking for something emotional. If you keep giving them a "hit" of that sort, it won't matter that you are saying "go the hell away." They will just keep coming back for more because you are giving them something they need. If you know how to not give that emotional hit while clearly explaining that you do not desire to remain in contact, another discussion can improve the situation and help you part on less acrimonious terms. If you don't, more contact is just putting out the fire with gasoline.
posted by Michele in California at 4:21 PM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Don't link that email address to any social media profiles or he may start contacting you elsewhere.
posted by desjardins at 4:22 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 4:22 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Well, you need to make it extremely and unambiguously clear that not only do you want him to stop contacting you, you want him to do that because his excessive emailing, coupled with his refusal to stop when asked, is not only creeping you out, it is harassment. I would actually use that word and see if it shocks him into a bit of self-realisation. If it doesn't... well, it's harassment. And then you treat it as such. And involve the police.
posted by Decani at 4:26 PM on April 20, 2013
posted by Decani at 4:26 PM on April 20, 2013
There's a study that's cited here a lot that says radio silence is really the best way to go. Any sort of contact, even negative contact, encourages them to harass you for longer.\
And
I just wanted to clarify, I did tell him to stop.
If you told him to stop in an unambiguous way, then yes, continued radio silence. If you were at all ambiguous, one more "I am not interested, please stop attempting to contact me" might be necessary. I'm not sure if you were being sarcastic when you said he didn't "get the hint" but I reiterate what many have said before: some people don't "get" hints. You have to be direct.
Once you have directly told someone you aren't interested in further communication, then yes, no more communication, ever. Anything else just encourages the desperate.
And if you have a filter, how would you ever know whether he is or isn't contacting you? Don't seek out trouble. Don't look in the trash!
posted by gjc at 5:16 PM on April 20, 2013
And
I just wanted to clarify, I did tell him to stop.
If you told him to stop in an unambiguous way, then yes, continued radio silence. If you were at all ambiguous, one more "I am not interested, please stop attempting to contact me" might be necessary. I'm not sure if you were being sarcastic when you said he didn't "get the hint" but I reiterate what many have said before: some people don't "get" hints. You have to be direct.
Once you have directly told someone you aren't interested in further communication, then yes, no more communication, ever. Anything else just encourages the desperate.
And if you have a filter, how would you ever know whether he is or isn't contacting you? Don't seek out trouble. Don't look in the trash!
posted by gjc at 5:16 PM on April 20, 2013
You did it the right way. You just happened to stumble on a lemon. Continue to ignore him and be your friendly self. Give out your email to anyone who interests you. Unless you have the worst luck ever or pick up men in sleazy places, this should be an isolated creep out.
posted by myselfasme at 5:34 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 5:34 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Do not contact me any further. All future emails will go straight into Trash, without being read."
That oughta do it. And actually follow through and filter his mail straight into its own folder, and just don't read it. You don't need it.
I also have another email address I use for handing out to strangers, one that's not connected to any of my online profiles. That way if I decide I don't want to have anything to do with them, they can't track me back down online.
posted by Jilder at 5:52 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
That oughta do it. And actually follow through and filter his mail straight into its own folder, and just don't read it. You don't need it.
I also have another email address I use for handing out to strangers, one that's not connected to any of my online profiles. That way if I decide I don't want to have anything to do with them, they can't track me back down online.
posted by Jilder at 5:52 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
you're doing it right, except instead of going to trash try making it permanently deleted.
and, he's not a nice guy.
posted by cupcake1337 at 5:56 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
and, he's not a nice guy.
posted by cupcake1337 at 5:56 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I agree with those who said do not send him any further email. Ignoring Mr. Weirdo entirely is the right approach. Eventually he'll probably find someone else to bother. Ugh.
posted by Dansaman at 6:06 PM on April 20, 2013
posted by Dansaman at 6:06 PM on April 20, 2013
I agree with the above: filter and forget. In Gmail, this is as easy as could be.
- Click the cog-looking button in the upper right, choose settings, and then "filters".
- "Create a new filter".
- In "From", put the offending party's address, and click "create filter with this search".
- Check the "Delete it" box, and then the "Create Filter" box.
... and just like that, email from that address goes away. Never hits you in the eyes again, it's just gone.
posted by mhoye at 6:33 PM on April 20, 2013
- Click the cog-looking button in the upper right, choose settings, and then "filters".
- "Create a new filter".
- In "From", put the offending party's address, and click "create filter with this search".
- Check the "Delete it" box, and then the "Create Filter" box.
... and just like that, email from that address goes away. Never hits you in the eyes again, it's just gone.
posted by mhoye at 6:33 PM on April 20, 2013
Stop making excuses for other people. Someone who crosses a clearly defined boundary is NOT a nice guy.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 7:36 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by MaryDellamorte at 7:36 PM on April 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Since you want to protect against this in future, get a throwaway email. You could also think about whether you want to change your boundaries about giving strangers a way to get in touch with you. Maybe you should need a little more before giving them a channel. Since there's always a need to have some way to get in touch, though, you might do well with just a throwaway email address that has nothing to do with your real name, your address, or any of your profiles, so you can give it out without worrying it will provide a way to find you. This service was kind of intriguing to me, haven't tried it but nice idea.
Some people out there are not well in an unsafe way - glad you found out like this instead of giving him even more access than email.
posted by Miko at 8:55 PM on April 20, 2013
Some people out there are not well in an unsafe way - glad you found out like this instead of giving him even more access than email.
posted by Miko at 8:55 PM on April 20, 2013
As everyone else has said, unambiguous rejection plus a permanent filter is the right solution. I wrote and very occasionally use a Google Apps script that bounces back a fake but official-looking "Permanent Rejection" error. (Works only for Gmail). It's best to use it very sparingly, and turn it off by clearing out the list of labels as soon as your correspondent gets the idea.
posted by ecmendenhall at 10:26 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by ecmendenhall at 10:26 PM on April 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
One more thing to do is to practice what you'll say in case you ever run into him again. I had a jerk like this harassing me. I got him to leave me alone but more than a year later, I ran into him in the laundromat. I couldn't just leave, since my laundry was still in the wash, and he tried to chat me up. I was so glad I had rehearsed in my head the following phrase--"I thought I told you never to talk to me again. I'm going to go over there now. Goodbye."
I was able to do this confidently and without escalating emotions, almost deadpan. He was mortified and left me alone. Hooray. I made sure to go over where other people were and he walked away. YMMV.
posted by dottiechang at 11:44 PM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I was able to do this confidently and without escalating emotions, almost deadpan. He was mortified and left me alone. Hooray. I made sure to go over where other people were and he walked away. YMMV.
posted by dottiechang at 11:44 PM on April 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
He sounds creepy. Be careful. Auto-filter his emails into a folder so you don't need to see them in your inbox. Don't delete them completely though - if he escalates and if you wind up having to make a report, the documentation will come in useful. (Hopefully things will not get to that point - just saying it is useful to keep a record/archive for a worst case scenario.)
posted by aielen at 5:18 AM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by aielen at 5:18 AM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have a throwaway gmail account which I use for those annoying places which insist on an email address before giving you something you need (like a download link). I also use it for new people who are under probation, if it works out give them your real address, otherwise confine that person to spam.
posted by epo at 7:02 AM on April 21, 2013
posted by epo at 7:02 AM on April 21, 2013
I know it would be a pain in the ass, but I would seriously consider getting a new email address and deactivating your current account.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 9:40 AM on April 21, 2013
posted by whimsicalnymph at 9:40 AM on April 21, 2013
This comment about the extinction burst is really spot on. It's basically guaranteed when dealing with a person like this but you must hold strong.
No responding. However, auto-file the emails away and if he escalates, you can involve higher powers.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:58 AM on April 21, 2013
No responding. However, auto-file the emails away and if he escalates, you can involve higher powers.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:58 AM on April 21, 2013
Response by poster: I thought the reference to Nice Guys was more common than I thought, sorry. It's a turn of phrase that was used on the OkCupid journals for men who are anything but nice.
That service is what I had in mind, Miko.
Thanks everyone. And, btw I'm not a glutton for punishment I deleted something and changed my mind otherwise I'd be blissfully unawares rather than stressing out over knowing I've been turned into someone's pet project. Ugh is right!
posted by redindiaink at 4:00 PM on April 21, 2013
That service is what I had in mind, Miko.
Thanks everyone. And, btw I'm not a glutton for punishment I deleted something and changed my mind otherwise I'd be blissfully unawares rather than stressing out over knowing I've been turned into someone's pet project. Ugh is right!
posted by redindiaink at 4:00 PM on April 21, 2013
I find it useful to have a 2nd email account that I could close if necessary, and thta I don't check frequently. It's got a fairly generic name, like TheoraBlue, that's easy to give someone. If someone were continuing contact after a very clear "I don't want to have further contact with you" message, I'd tag & archive them. If you feel that this person is harassing you, turn it over to the police.
posted by theora55 at 12:29 PM on April 22, 2013
posted by theora55 at 12:29 PM on April 22, 2013
> That service is what I had in mind, Miko.
Note that Mailinator does not allow you to send mail, so while it's useful for receiving mail from people/entitities you don't want to give your real email address to, it's not useful if you think you'll want to reply while keeping your real email private. A throw-away gmail addy is better.
posted by Westringia F. at 6:50 AM on April 24, 2013
Note that Mailinator does not allow you to send mail, so while it's useful for receiving mail from people/entitities you don't want to give your real email address to, it's not useful if you think you'll want to reply while keeping your real email private. A throw-away gmail addy is better.
posted by Westringia F. at 6:50 AM on April 24, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks, but I did think of that after reading the faq. What I hoped for is technological solutions to a psychological/sociological problem. Mailinator comes close, except I'm not sure what I would like is possible because ultimately this is a problem that comes down to the individual, rather than the tools they're using to go about doing what they do.
posted by redindiaink at 11:18 AM on April 26, 2013
posted by redindiaink at 11:18 AM on April 26, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Joh at 3:53 PM on April 20, 2013 [7 favorites]