Can I ignore this email without being an awful person?
April 16, 2013 5:14 PM Subscribe
Got an email from someone I dated very briefly, some time ago, which unsettled me. I have not replied, and don't want to, but I still feel somewhat guilty about ignoring/blocking this person. Please help me walk the line between "honoring my inner Gavin de Becker" and "being kind of an asshole to someone."
Five or six months ago I went on a handful of dates with a guy I met on a dating site. We had great online rapport, but in person it was just kind of a no-go. I broke it off for this reason after date 4, and he argued with me about it somewhat, even while stating that he agreed with me about the lack of chemistry. I held my ground, he was hurt, I felt manipulated/guilted, all in all, it was a somewhat boggling experience and left a sour taste in my mouth.
We have not spoken AT ALL since then.
Yesterday he emails me, stating that he's been reading my gchat statuses "for months" and wondering what on earth they mean, and that this latest one seems sad, are things okay?
I don't mind saying that I found this profoundly weird. Yes, I know that things you put on the Internet are not perfectly private, and yes, I know people e-stalk folks all the time. But admitting it, after a long period of total silence...just don't sit right.
My immediate instinct is, don't reply, block him from gchat,* go about my life. Is this a) rude and/or b) rude out of proportion to the creepiness level at play?
*Which in hindsight I probably should have done from the get-go; it just never even occurred to me at the time.
Five or six months ago I went on a handful of dates with a guy I met on a dating site. We had great online rapport, but in person it was just kind of a no-go. I broke it off for this reason after date 4, and he argued with me about it somewhat, even while stating that he agreed with me about the lack of chemistry. I held my ground, he was hurt, I felt manipulated/guilted, all in all, it was a somewhat boggling experience and left a sour taste in my mouth.
We have not spoken AT ALL since then.
Yesterday he emails me, stating that he's been reading my gchat statuses "for months" and wondering what on earth they mean, and that this latest one seems sad, are things okay?
I don't mind saying that I found this profoundly weird. Yes, I know that things you put on the Internet are not perfectly private, and yes, I know people e-stalk folks all the time. But admitting it, after a long period of total silence...just don't sit right.
My immediate instinct is, don't reply, block him from gchat,* go about my life. Is this a) rude and/or b) rude out of proportion to the creepiness level at play?
*Which in hindsight I probably should have done from the get-go; it just never even occurred to me at the time.
Telling a stalker they are being creepy generally does no good. Putting a nice face on it only encourages bad behavior. Blocking and saying nothing is probably the least worst option in an icky situation.
posted by Michele in California at 5:17 PM on April 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Michele in California at 5:17 PM on April 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Whoa, that is creepy and super fucking weird. Your reaction sounds perfect. My first instinct would be an all caps email asking what the hell was wrong with him and saying to get the fuck out of my life, which would be a terrible idea, and so I'd fall back to your plan. Good work on your immediate instincts!
posted by jacalata at 5:17 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jacalata at 5:17 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your instinct is correct. This is weird and creepy, especially when combined with him arguing with you about not dating anymore all those months ago. I think your plan of not replying, then blocking and ignoring, is good.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:19 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:19 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
he's been reading my gchat statuses "for months" and wondering what on earth they mean
I would say that he has been waiting for his chance at using veiled manipulation to get back in your good graces. I would also say that he failed at applying the veil.
You are in no way an asshole for ignoring a message that unsettles you from a person that unsettles you. You are just being safe and smart.
Even if he meant the very best and was messaging you in good faith, you still aren’t an asshole for ignoring it. Emails from exes don't require responses, and your aren’t rude or mean if you trash them.
posted by Shouraku at 5:19 PM on April 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
I would say that he has been waiting for his chance at using veiled manipulation to get back in your good graces. I would also say that he failed at applying the veil.
You are in no way an asshole for ignoring a message that unsettles you from a person that unsettles you. You are just being safe and smart.
Even if he meant the very best and was messaging you in good faith, you still aren’t an asshole for ignoring it. Emails from exes don't require responses, and your aren’t rude or mean if you trash them.
posted by Shouraku at 5:19 PM on April 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
You are absolutely correct to block him. Do not engage, and go on with your life. If he contacts you again, you may want to set up a special file in your inbox to collect stuff he sends you, in the (unlikely, but you want to be prepared because it's possible) event that things escalate and you someday need to prove a pattern of harassment. But for now, ignore, feel no guilt, and do not respond. That's not rude; you've already had this argument with him, and he's shown that he doesn't care about your feelings, so you shouldn't feel obligated to coddle his.
The bottom line is that you're not under any obligation to talk to anyone you don't want to talk to or have anyone in your life you don't want to have in your life (barring, of course, some specific agreement you've made to take on that obligation, and you have the exact opposite of that agreement with this guy). I suspect that you are female, and we women are often socially conditioned to think that we have to accommodate other people and be nice all the time, even at the expense of our own feelings. We don't. You're not rude or bitchy or mean to decline to be friends with someone you don't like. That's doubly true when you feel as though there's even a slight chance that you might be in danger, physically or emotionally. You get to decide who gets to be a part of your life, and that means that this guy doesn't get to shove his way back in with his cyber-stalking and fake concern over your well-being.
posted by decathecting at 5:20 PM on April 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
The bottom line is that you're not under any obligation to talk to anyone you don't want to talk to or have anyone in your life you don't want to have in your life (barring, of course, some specific agreement you've made to take on that obligation, and you have the exact opposite of that agreement with this guy). I suspect that you are female, and we women are often socially conditioned to think that we have to accommodate other people and be nice all the time, even at the expense of our own feelings. We don't. You're not rude or bitchy or mean to decline to be friends with someone you don't like. That's doubly true when you feel as though there's even a slight chance that you might be in danger, physically or emotionally. You get to decide who gets to be a part of your life, and that means that this guy doesn't get to shove his way back in with his cyber-stalking and fake concern over your well-being.
posted by decathecting at 5:20 PM on April 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think it is rude and possibly rude out of proportion to ignore them, but my views on severing ties with people who are of no use any longer are a minority view around here. I would say if the messages continue, respond with a terse, "I am fine. Thanks for your concern. " Etiquette and politeness are not the worst things in the world.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:20 PM on April 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:20 PM on April 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Ignoring someone with whom you had a bad experience and with whom you have no current relationship and who just randomly reaches out to you and creeps you out and is not someone with whom you want to have a relationship is not even a "kind of asshole" -ish thing to do.
Block 'em and keep it movin'.
posted by sm1tten at 5:20 PM on April 16, 2013 [26 favorites]
Block 'em and keep it movin'.
posted by sm1tten at 5:20 PM on April 16, 2013 [26 favorites]
Block him but don't wait until if/when he contacts you again to start documenting. Make a hard copy of anything that's disturbed you. Most creepy guys at this level won't escalate into dangerous stalker after being blocked. Most.
posted by _paegan_ at 5:28 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by _paegan_ at 5:28 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
He's not your friend, so you're not being a bad friend.
Heed your instincts on this. Ignore and block.
posted by rtha at 5:28 PM on April 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Heed your instincts on this. Ignore and block.
posted by rtha at 5:28 PM on April 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Don't reply. Block him. It's not rude ... at all.
posted by John Cohen at 5:34 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by John Cohen at 5:34 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
my views on severing ties with people who are of no use any longer are a minority view around here. I would say if the messages continue, respond with a terse, "I am fine. Thanks for your concern.
I think you are misunderstanding where the disconnect between you and the other replies is. 'people who are not of use any longer' are people like recruiters sending you jobs you are not interested in. I would send your reply to them. 'people who are weirdly inappropriate and creepy' are guys you went on a couple of dates with once who have been keeping an eye on you for months and want to check in on your feelings. I would sever ties with them.
posted by jacalata at 5:34 PM on April 16, 2013 [20 favorites]
I think you are misunderstanding where the disconnect between you and the other replies is. 'people who are not of use any longer' are people like recruiters sending you jobs you are not interested in. I would send your reply to them. 'people who are weirdly inappropriate and creepy' are guys you went on a couple of dates with once who have been keeping an eye on you for months and want to check in on your feelings. I would sever ties with them.
posted by jacalata at 5:34 PM on April 16, 2013 [20 favorites]
Not responding to a random attempt at contact isn't inherently rude. You don't owe someone with whom you don't have an ongoing relationship the chance to talk to you, especially if that someone has already shown a lack of respect for appropriate boundaries.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:35 PM on April 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 5:35 PM on April 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
Creeeepy. Block immediately. Delete email.
posted by windykites at 5:35 PM on April 16, 2013
posted by windykites at 5:35 PM on April 16, 2013
His attempt at "befriending" you is sad. Move along, lass, nothing to see here.
posted by Giggilituffin at 5:36 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Giggilituffin at 5:36 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think the leap to call this guy a stalker is premature. I mean, I see the status change of the people on my Gtalk list all the time; mine tells me when they change and I didn't do anything to make them do that, they just do and I don't care enough to hunt down that feature and turn it off.
I'd just email him back something really polite, distant and upfront like:
"Hi Tim, Thanks for your concern but everything here is fine. I didn't realise we were still connected on Google so I'll go ahead and turn that off now. All the best for the future, like_a_friend."
posted by DarlingBri at 5:36 PM on April 16, 2013 [35 favorites]
I'd just email him back something really polite, distant and upfront like:
"Hi Tim, Thanks for your concern but everything here is fine. I didn't realise we were still connected on Google so I'll go ahead and turn that off now. All the best for the future, like_a_friend."
posted by DarlingBri at 5:36 PM on April 16, 2013 [35 favorites]
DarlingBri said it better than I did. A firm and polite "thanks, bye" is better than a silence which can be read any number of ways.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:40 PM on April 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:40 PM on April 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Blegh. Delete. Ignore.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:40 PM on April 16, 2013
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:40 PM on April 16, 2013
You know how dudes like to wax poetic about the one woman (who clearly tells them they aren't interested) the guy thinks of as "the one that got away."
He's fixated on you and he's a weirdo who can't accept reality. Block him. Or tell him you got married to the love of your life and are pregnant. Tell him your statuses are due to pregnancy hormones. Then block him.
posted by discopolo at 5:49 PM on April 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
He's fixated on you and he's a weirdo who can't accept reality. Block him. Or tell him you got married to the love of your life and are pregnant. Tell him your statuses are due to pregnancy hormones. Then block him.
posted by discopolo at 5:49 PM on April 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
To answer the question in the title: Yes.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:52 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:52 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yes, block and ignore.
Also, Look up your name (in quotes, and all variations) in Google/Yahoo/whatever to see where else you might be on the internet and if you can do anything about blocking him from those sites, or making your information more private. While it is possible he may have already done this, you should still see where you are mentioned on the internet for your own general privacy.
posted by NoraCharles at 5:55 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, Look up your name (in quotes, and all variations) in Google/Yahoo/whatever to see where else you might be on the internet and if you can do anything about blocking him from those sites, or making your information more private. While it is possible he may have already done this, you should still see where you are mentioned on the internet for your own general privacy.
posted by NoraCharles at 5:55 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ignore, and optionally, block.
It's also OK to use a throwaway email account for dating purposes. My personal email is for friends, family, and professional contacts only. This makes it much easier to quarantine or deflect contact from suitors who won't take no for an answer.
posted by nacho fries at 5:59 PM on April 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's also OK to use a throwaway email account for dating purposes. My personal email is for friends, family, and professional contacts only. This makes it much easier to quarantine or deflect contact from suitors who won't take no for an answer.
posted by nacho fries at 5:59 PM on April 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
This is no reason not to ignore him, and maybe I'm misunderstanding what he's saying here, but we're talking about the list of people online that shows up on the left when you check gmail, correct? If so, I don't think there's any reason to assume that he had to go out of his way to see your status because, you know, it's (potentially, depending on his contacts and screen size and stuff) right there when he checks his email.
Which is moot because you don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to.
posted by cmoj at 6:01 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Which is moot because you don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to.
posted by cmoj at 6:01 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I wouldn't call him a stalker, but this isn't a friend you fell out of touch with. This is a guy you went on 4 mediocre dates with after which you had the decency to let him know you weren't interested in a very clear and final way.
He doing some uncomfortable "nice guy" pseudo caring stuff here, which is a thinly veiled attempt to get a second chance with you during what he perceives to be a low point in your life. That's all kind of ick. Block and ignore.
posted by whoaali at 6:17 PM on April 16, 2013 [12 favorites]
He doing some uncomfortable "nice guy" pseudo caring stuff here, which is a thinly veiled attempt to get a second chance with you during what he perceives to be a low point in your life. That's all kind of ick. Block and ignore.
posted by whoaali at 6:17 PM on April 16, 2013 [12 favorites]
Response by poster: but we're talking about the list of people online that shows up on the left when you check gmail, correct? If so, I don't think there's any reason to assume that he had to go out of his way to see your status because, you know, it's (potentially, depending on his contacts and screen size and stuff) right there when he checks his email.
Yes, this is the feature we're talking about. To clarify: him reading those statuses is not the creepy part, as they're readily available. Just the out-of-the-blue contact and especially the mention of "for months."
(I kind of have this notion that while e-stalking is the sort of thing that Most Everyone Does, under most circumstances it's not exactly "nice" to tell someone you've been doing it to them. Sort of like...er...other private behaviors. Is this off-base in our age of twitter?)
posted by like_a_friend at 6:17 PM on April 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
Yes, this is the feature we're talking about. To clarify: him reading those statuses is not the creepy part, as they're readily available. Just the out-of-the-blue contact and especially the mention of "for months."
(I kind of have this notion that while e-stalking is the sort of thing that Most Everyone Does, under most circumstances it's not exactly "nice" to tell someone you've been doing it to them. Sort of like...er...other private behaviors. Is this off-base in our age of twitter?)
posted by like_a_friend at 6:17 PM on April 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
I think it's reasonable to send one message saying I do not want to have contact with you. It's also okay to not respond to someone who you've already told I don't want to have a relationship with you. Change that G+ status, and while you're at it, check your facebook settings, and google your name to see just how much personal stuff is out there.
posted by theora55 at 6:19 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 6:19 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Throwing out the idea that you shouldn't block, but definitely ignore him. Blocking may be seen as a response, an indication that he reached you in some way. Just a suggestion.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:21 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:21 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
(I kind of have this notion that while e-stalking is the sort of thing that Most Everyone Does, under most circumstances it's not exactly "nice" to tell someone you've been doing it to them. Sort of like...er...other private behaviors. Is this off-base in our age of twitter?)
It's normal for people to send feelers to old connections on a whim, and it's normal to ignore them until you feel like replying, which may be never. Who knows where you'll be in a year. You may even want to reach out on a whim.
But it doesn't matter what other people (in this thread, e.g.) think is appropriate. Does it make you feel good or bad that he wrote that? If it makes you feel bad, then just ignore his email. Even block him if you don't want him reading your statuses anymore.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 6:34 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's normal for people to send feelers to old connections on a whim, and it's normal to ignore them until you feel like replying, which may be never. Who knows where you'll be in a year. You may even want to reach out on a whim.
But it doesn't matter what other people (in this thread, e.g.) think is appropriate. Does it make you feel good or bad that he wrote that? If it makes you feel bad, then just ignore his email. Even block him if you don't want him reading your statuses anymore.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 6:34 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
You are not responsible for him. Ignore, or block if you want nothing to do with him. If you don't mind a conversation, you could reply with "Everything's fine, thanks." but he might take that as an invitation to email you more. So if that's not what you want, then ignore and/or block.
I feel compelled to mention that you do not owe him anything. You don't owe him "nice feelings", or the "making nice to everyone" so many people expect , or "being pleasant". You do not owe him these things. I say this from experience, and once I realized that this was true, my life changed radically for the better.
posted by absquatulate at 6:34 PM on April 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I feel compelled to mention that you do not owe him anything. You don't owe him "nice feelings", or the "making nice to everyone" so many people expect , or "being pleasant". You do not owe him these things. I say this from experience, and once I realized that this was true, my life changed radically for the better.
posted by absquatulate at 6:34 PM on April 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Yeah even if it were rude - and it's not - so what. You have no desire to talk to him, and that's fine. If he gets all huffy about it, that's his problem.
posted by kavasa at 6:48 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by kavasa at 6:48 PM on April 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
To clarify: him reading those statuses is not the creepy part, as they're readily available. Just the out-of-the-blue contact and especially the mention of "for months."
Look I don't want to be overly dramatic about the world we live in, but while the "for months" part is a little odd and certainly cause to be alert, I don't think the out-of-the-blue contact is necessarily a red flag. We are being told a lot these days to reach out to people in our circles who may need outreach and to not ignore cries for help; there has been a lot of high-profile suicide prevention noise around this. If you did post a sad status, I can understand his response.
FWIW I recently saw a very disturbing FB update flash by from someone I met once three years ago at an event, before it was quickly deleted. I rang that person, who was actually re-posting a thing about suicide prevention and had mangled it. He felt embarrassed I would think he might be suicidal, I felt awkward as hell, and I'd still rather have called than not.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:16 PM on April 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Look I don't want to be overly dramatic about the world we live in, but while the "for months" part is a little odd and certainly cause to be alert, I don't think the out-of-the-blue contact is necessarily a red flag. We are being told a lot these days to reach out to people in our circles who may need outreach and to not ignore cries for help; there has been a lot of high-profile suicide prevention noise around this. If you did post a sad status, I can understand his response.
FWIW I recently saw a very disturbing FB update flash by from someone I met once three years ago at an event, before it was quickly deleted. I rang that person, who was actually re-posting a thing about suicide prevention and had mangled it. He felt embarrassed I would think he might be suicidal, I felt awkward as hell, and I'd still rather have called than not.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:16 PM on April 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Sounds like negging, I'd ignore and just mentally move on. Convince yourself you never got his email and that it got stuck in spam someplace.
posted by jessamyn at 7:16 PM on April 16, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 7:16 PM on April 16, 2013 [8 favorites]
A few days ago I got what turned out to be a spam email from a woman I dated 10 years ago. This made me wonder how she was doing, so I sent her a message asking how she was doing despite the fact that I haven't seen her or really thought about her in a decade.
Those status updates come up for me from my daughter's day care center, people I met at a rave once, and all kinds of random crap. Noticing them doesn't make him a weirdo stalker, but trying to reach out does make him seem kind of sad. Instead of jumping right to "hello, ban hammer!" territory, I agree with the answers above that a polite but firm thanks-but-no-thanks should be sufficient.
posted by 1adam12 at 7:17 PM on April 16, 2013
Those status updates come up for me from my daughter's day care center, people I met at a rave once, and all kinds of random crap. Noticing them doesn't make him a weirdo stalker, but trying to reach out does make him seem kind of sad. Instead of jumping right to "hello, ban hammer!" territory, I agree with the answers above that a polite but firm thanks-but-no-thanks should be sufficient.
posted by 1adam12 at 7:17 PM on April 16, 2013
Block and/or ignore just kicks the can down the road. People who do stuff like this don't "get the hint". One single reply of "thanks for your concern, but I'm not interested in re-establishing any kind of relationship with you. Please do not contact me again."
*Then* you block and ignore.
This might seem cruel, but it's less cruel than letting some poor delusional person (who thinks if he just plays his cards right you'll be interested in him somehow) swing in the breeze. No response lets him think there is hope, lets him think you really are in a bad place and if only he could be there to help. Not saying "no" is equal to "please keep bothering me" to people in this mindset.
And yes, I think it is a little creepy (but not necessarily bad, just socially awkward) for someone to mention statuses for months, but you are correct that by putting it out there, some people might see it as an invitation to pester you.
posted by gjc at 7:23 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
*Then* you block and ignore.
This might seem cruel, but it's less cruel than letting some poor delusional person (who thinks if he just plays his cards right you'll be interested in him somehow) swing in the breeze. No response lets him think there is hope, lets him think you really are in a bad place and if only he could be there to help. Not saying "no" is equal to "please keep bothering me" to people in this mindset.
And yes, I think it is a little creepy (but not necessarily bad, just socially awkward) for someone to mention statuses for months, but you are correct that by putting it out there, some people might see it as an invitation to pester you.
posted by gjc at 7:23 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
We have manners and politeness for dealing with a] people who you want to deal with but aren't sure how to deal with and b] people who you don't want to deal with but can't get away from.
For people you don't want to deal with and won't be dealing with in the future, we have the ignore feature.
posted by Solomon at 1:15 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
For people you don't want to deal with and won't be dealing with in the future, we have the ignore feature.
posted by Solomon at 1:15 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It would have been different if you guys had been friends for years - I can imagine reaching out to someone I'd dated/been friends with for a long time, when something important happened in my/their life, but this is a guy you'd been on 4 dates with, so he's barely an acquaintance, right?
For some reason he's fixated on you, but answering/acknowledging his emails will be doing him no favors. He has been cultivating an imaginary relationship with you for months. He has to move on and get real, for his own sake. The kindest thing would be to ignore him.
I had a very similar situation in my own life and you really cannot reason with a person like this. Say NO once (which you already did, a few months ago) and ignore, ignore, ignore.
[Just to be clear, IMO, if he was a longtime friend, it would be a reason to acknowledge the email ONCE, and not necessarily re-kindle the friendship].
posted by M. at 3:24 AM on April 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
For some reason he's fixated on you, but answering/acknowledging his emails will be doing him no favors. He has been cultivating an imaginary relationship with you for months. He has to move on and get real, for his own sake. The kindest thing would be to ignore him.
I had a very similar situation in my own life and you really cannot reason with a person like this. Say NO once (which you already did, a few months ago) and ignore, ignore, ignore.
[Just to be clear, IMO, if he was a longtime friend, it would be a reason to acknowledge the email ONCE, and not necessarily re-kindle the friendship].
posted by M. at 3:24 AM on April 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
I would block him, have a filter for his messages to always go directly to the trash, and leave it on that. I think any reply you give him, even if it is just to say that you are removing him from your gchat, will give him more fuel and incentive. Your best bet really is to just block/delete/ignore, and you should do it without any guilt.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:39 AM on April 17, 2013
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 4:39 AM on April 17, 2013
Admitting it was weird, you're right. Only respond if you have any interest in letting him back into your life in any capacity. This was an attempt at reopening communication channels. Otherwise just let it go. You went on four dates half a year ago and he's been building you up in his head ever since. I doubt anything great is going to come of that.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:31 AM on April 17, 2013
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:31 AM on April 17, 2013
Ew, yeah, blocky blocky block block block.
If you really feel you must respond to satisfy an internal standard or something, write back, "Yes, I'm fine. Thanks." THEN blocky block.
posted by mibo at 9:21 AM on April 17, 2013
If you really feel you must respond to satisfy an internal standard or something, write back, "Yes, I'm fine. Thanks." THEN blocky block.
posted by mibo at 9:21 AM on April 17, 2013
Best answer: We see people's Gchat statuses or their Facebook statuses and I may wonder what's going on with their lives or what they mean or maybe wish we could be part of what they are doing if we've lost touch, etc. I think that's normal. But this is just a guy you met on the internet who argued with you when you tried to break up with him. I think your first read on the situation is correct. You definitely do not need to respond to him.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:52 AM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:52 AM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
The fact that he already argued with you when you broke things off suggests that any "please do not contact me again" note you send will probably also be argued with. So yeah, nthing the suggestion to block him without responding in any way.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:11 PM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by DingoMutt at 12:11 PM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everybody! I have chosen to ignore and block. It's kind of a shame, because I do think he is a little sad (not as in pathetic, as in feeling sadness) and lonely, but I just can't be taking that on.
I definitely don't think this guy is a stalker or a serious threat; he more set off my spidey-senses in a Nice Guy (TM), manipulative kind of way, and that always is far more trouble than it's worth.
Also to answer someone above: status in question was one word, and only an exceedingly generous reading could have found it genuinely troubling rather than thinking, "huh, she must be annoyed at something."
posted by like_a_friend at 12:48 PM on April 17, 2013
I definitely don't think this guy is a stalker or a serious threat; he more set off my spidey-senses in a Nice Guy (TM), manipulative kind of way, and that always is far more trouble than it's worth.
Also to answer someone above: status in question was one word, and only an exceedingly generous reading could have found it genuinely troubling rather than thinking, "huh, she must be annoyed at something."
posted by like_a_friend at 12:48 PM on April 17, 2013
Your instincts are good: ignore and block. He's barely more than a casual acquaintance whom you don't owe anything, and that includes any kind of response. (But if he does try again after this? Give him one firm, clear "Do not contact me again", and never ever respond again.)
I think part of the problem is that girls are trained more than boys to always be polite --- and telling someone to go away, or to simply ignore them, goes against that early training: how rude! So on the one hand, you have your spidey-sense telling you this guy is a little off; on the other hand, you have all that early training to be a "good" girl. Go with your instincts, they're very good.
posted by easily confused at 5:27 PM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think part of the problem is that girls are trained more than boys to always be polite --- and telling someone to go away, or to simply ignore them, goes against that early training: how rude! So on the one hand, you have your spidey-sense telling you this guy is a little off; on the other hand, you have all that early training to be a "good" girl. Go with your instincts, they're very good.
posted by easily confused at 5:27 PM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I just wanted to say that I hate it when people act like women are required to be nice at all times and that we shouldn't ever appear to be rude. The fact that you were afraid it might be rude to ignore someone who sets off alarm bells - however small - shows how ingrained this attitude is in our society.
People like ricochet_biscuit who haven't experienced this all-encompassing "Hey, you women, don't ever be rude, even when it goes against your best interests or compromises your safety!" phenomenon simply can't understand how damaging it is to reinforce the "Etiquette and politeness are not the worst things in the world." paradigm. Encouraging women to continue contact with people we don't like or or who set off our creep-o-meters just so we don't appear rude is bad, wrong and sets a dangerous precedent.
All women in this thread, feel free to act in accordance with what makes you feel safe and not with someone else's notions of what constitutes rude. Look out for yourself first and foremost, don't engage with someone unless you genuinely want to.
posted by i feel possessed at 2:53 AM on April 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
People like ricochet_biscuit who haven't experienced this all-encompassing "Hey, you women, don't ever be rude, even when it goes against your best interests or compromises your safety!" phenomenon simply can't understand how damaging it is to reinforce the "Etiquette and politeness are not the worst things in the world." paradigm. Encouraging women to continue contact with people we don't like or or who set off our creep-o-meters just so we don't appear rude is bad, wrong and sets a dangerous precedent.
All women in this thread, feel free to act in accordance with what makes you feel safe and not with someone else's notions of what constitutes rude. Look out for yourself first and foremost, don't engage with someone unless you genuinely want to.
posted by i feel possessed at 2:53 AM on April 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
He's the rude one for not respecting your boundaries. I would argue sincerely that it is more polite to pretend his lapse in judgement didn't happen than to call attention to it and embarrass him. Don't let anyone push you into confusing general politeness with doing whatever it is they want you to do.
posted by almostmanda at 1:24 PM on April 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by almostmanda at 1:24 PM on April 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
You know, I'm actually going to give him the benefit of the doubt here. It's hard to ignore Gchat statuses when they're right there on your screen, and strangers and exes tend to linger just because of how Gchat works. You end up getting this weird peek into dozens of people's lives by default when you might not ever even talk. It's easy to think you know more than you don't or are closer to someone, even if it's illusory, than you are. And yeah, this could be a weaselly way to make contact again, but it could also be genuine concern, and I dunno, I just prefer to think that people are showing humanity.
That said, you don't owe him any more than like three words: "I'm fine, thanks." (Arguably you don't even owe him that, but meh, I'd send it.) He should take the hint. If he doesn't, proceed to block.
posted by dekathelon at 10:01 PM on April 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
That said, you don't owe him any more than like three words: "I'm fine, thanks." (Arguably you don't even owe him that, but meh, I'd send it.) He should take the hint. If he doesn't, proceed to block.
posted by dekathelon at 10:01 PM on April 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd also lean towards giving him the benefit of a doubt, but it's great that you went with your gut, like_a_friend.
But it isn't necessarily true to say that "People like ricochet_biscuit....haven't experienced this phenomenon." There are so many different ways to deal with a baffling experience, and as people have noted we each have our own gauges of safety. Obviously OP was creeped out and already inclined to block and ignore, and that's okay and completely valid. I tend to believe that most people are insecure but not malicious, and figure it doesn't cost me anything to say "Nah, I'm good. Bye forever!" and that's valid too, imo.
Women ARE socialized to be self-negatingly nice, and internet spaces socialize people to be reactive/angry/scared. Both are worth a thought, you know? But anyways, good choice, OP.
posted by iamleda at 9:58 PM on April 20, 2013
But it isn't necessarily true to say that "People like ricochet_biscuit....haven't experienced this phenomenon." There are so many different ways to deal with a baffling experience, and as people have noted we each have our own gauges of safety. Obviously OP was creeped out and already inclined to block and ignore, and that's okay and completely valid. I tend to believe that most people are insecure but not malicious, and figure it doesn't cost me anything to say "Nah, I'm good. Bye forever!" and that's valid too, imo.
Women ARE socialized to be self-negatingly nice, and internet spaces socialize people to be reactive/angry/scared. Both are worth a thought, you know? But anyways, good choice, OP.
posted by iamleda at 9:58 PM on April 20, 2013
Best answer: I'm a fanatic about etiquette, but I think it's all right to ignore this.
I think I've already said elsewhere that there are dating situations, mostly ones with near-strangers, where saying nothing may seem like the most diplomatic or the safest option. Is it often misused? Hell yes. Would this case be a misuse of the silent response? No, I don't think so.
In and of itself, the fact that someone contacts you after you haven't heard from them in a while, and you don't know that person well - eh, I often do this as a way of maintaining loose connections.
When this person is someone you dated briefly a few months ago... hmmm... but if you never removed them from your gchat you obviously don't hate them, right? So we haven't gotten to the weird part yet.
So this person is someone you haven't heard from in months, don't know well, and dated briefly a few months ago. You were the one to break it off, and he argued that you were wrong to do so? Not like "couldn't I have another chance/give it a bit more time" but "you're wrong"? That's off. Not stalky chainsaw murderer off, just socially inept in ways that could turn out not to be benign.
However, it's moot because you didn't stick around to find out. Now you hear from him and he tells you he's concerned about your latest gchat status. Well, you put that information out there publicly, he read it, wondered if there was cause for concern? He of all people decided to ask you about it? Well... okay. Kinda looks like he's looking for another date, which is not a crime, but you would say no. This is the point at which saying "I'm fine, thanks for asking" is the polite option.
But he didn't just say are you okay, he said "I've been reading your statuses for months"... That's not quite as sinister as saying "I've been hiding in your shrubbery with binoculars for months" but it is saying "I've been paying focussed attention to you for several months" and that is not what a woman wants to hear from a man she dumped months ago and from whom she got a slightly creepy response to the dumping.
So yeah, no response is perfectly polite, because this message in this combination of circumstances looks creepy to the recipient even if the sender meant it well. A lady is not required to respond to creepy-seeming messages from men she doesn't know well, and if the response that makes the lady feel safest is no response, then it's perfectly polite for her to choose no response.
posted by tel3path at 11:27 AM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think I've already said elsewhere that there are dating situations, mostly ones with near-strangers, where saying nothing may seem like the most diplomatic or the safest option. Is it often misused? Hell yes. Would this case be a misuse of the silent response? No, I don't think so.
In and of itself, the fact that someone contacts you after you haven't heard from them in a while, and you don't know that person well - eh, I often do this as a way of maintaining loose connections.
When this person is someone you dated briefly a few months ago... hmmm... but if you never removed them from your gchat you obviously don't hate them, right? So we haven't gotten to the weird part yet.
So this person is someone you haven't heard from in months, don't know well, and dated briefly a few months ago. You were the one to break it off, and he argued that you were wrong to do so? Not like "couldn't I have another chance/give it a bit more time" but "you're wrong"? That's off. Not stalky chainsaw murderer off, just socially inept in ways that could turn out not to be benign.
However, it's moot because you didn't stick around to find out. Now you hear from him and he tells you he's concerned about your latest gchat status. Well, you put that information out there publicly, he read it, wondered if there was cause for concern? He of all people decided to ask you about it? Well... okay. Kinda looks like he's looking for another date, which is not a crime, but you would say no. This is the point at which saying "I'm fine, thanks for asking" is the polite option.
But he didn't just say are you okay, he said "I've been reading your statuses for months"... That's not quite as sinister as saying "I've been hiding in your shrubbery with binoculars for months" but it is saying "I've been paying focussed attention to you for several months" and that is not what a woman wants to hear from a man she dumped months ago and from whom she got a slightly creepy response to the dumping.
So yeah, no response is perfectly polite, because this message in this combination of circumstances looks creepy to the recipient even if the sender meant it well. A lady is not required to respond to creepy-seeming messages from men she doesn't know well, and if the response that makes the lady feel safest is no response, then it's perfectly polite for her to choose no response.
posted by tel3path at 11:27 AM on April 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:16 PM on April 16, 2013 [61 favorites]