Moving Out Update: Making it work in Seattle & recovering from therapy
April 11, 2013 12:28 AM Subscribe
Hello Mefites, I am in the process of moving away from my abusive family (Previously: here and here). I've had a rough week, with my dad escalating his anger despite no provocation from me, which helped me make a lot of progress on moving out my things (discreetly) but I had a therapy session yesterday and I feel like my therapist has been screwing with my need to protect myself and get out. I was wondering what you think about it and for any tips on finding work in Seattle, because I don't consider moving back home a possibility should I be unable to find a job. Even if you're not from Seattle, any help is appreciated!
I'd like to thank you all once again for all your help, I can't say how much it means to me. I got this sock puppet to decrease the chance of anyone in my family knowing where I'm moving to, should they have read any of my previous questions and found out what those usernames are.
I've been making progress towards getting out, although it has taken me a while because I have to be discreet, and my family watches every move I make. (There's been a lot of moving things out in a hurry before everyone wakes up, etc.) I had decided to move to Seattle, and I can't wait for my new life. Although, as the time comes to leave, I'm afraid of being unable to find a job.
I saw that the most recent unemployment rate for Washington State is 7.5%, so I'm hoping I should be able to find something, although I've heard that it is harder to find temp or minimum wage jobs in Seattle. Seattleites, is this the case? I have a BFA degree in Painting, and the only jobs I've been able to find so far have been non-art related, in retail and accounting. I temped in accounting and was able to save some money, but I'm thinking, realistically, that those are the types of jobs that I'll be able to get. How are temp jobs/retail/service jobs in Seattle? Are they hard to come by? I would love to live in Seattle, as its been a dream of mine for a while, but do you think this is a good choice for me? If I run out of my savings, I don't know what I would do, because I don't consider moving back home an option. Do you think I could make it work? Are there any temp agencies you would recommend?
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she's been of the opinion that I should keep in touch with my parents after I move, in case I do run out of money. She has also said that she thinks they're not the worst parents and have done some great things for me. I disagree with her, but I continued seeing her, because I thought perhaps it would help to have a "devil's advocate" type thing, but instead I feel as if she has been chipping away at my need to protect myself and call a spade, a spade. She never referred to what my family has done as abuse because she says that it's a loaded term that sets me up to be a defenseless victim, and yesterday when I was telling her how my parents want to see her (separately from me) and explain their side of things, she said to tell them that she sticks up for them. It made me feel that she takes their side, and now I'm worried that if my parents do come see her, she may tell them where I'm going. Was that an appropriate thing for her to say, because of the confidentiality that is supposed to be there? To be clear, I've never told my parents where exactly I go for therapy, but they do know that I go to a therapist. She's never said that I must get out, as she doesn't think I'm in real danger, but something about that bothers me. My dad went berserk on Monday in a yelling rage towards me, saying it was my fault that the family member who molested me was never put in jail, and even my mom stood up for me, which doesn't usually happen. He wrote an apology the next day, and my therapist said it was extraordinary of him because it was sincere and that I should tell him I appreciate it. But I viewed his apology as part of the abusive cycle, where the abuser is sorry and apologizes until the next time they get angry. Something about my therapist's approach isn't working for me and leaves me feeling that she is actually on my family's side, and I feel like I can't completely trust her anymore or agree with her approach. I don't think she's necessarily a bad therapist, but I'm feeling like her approach isn't working for me. What do you think of the situation?
So, I'm left feeling exhausted, and overwhelmed, because I'm planning on moving out by the end of next week and feel confused with so many things going on. I was originally planning on just asking about the job situation, but my dad's outburst and my therapist's response to that has left me confused and hurt. To sum up:
1. Do you think the job situation in Seattle looks good for someone in my position? Is there a certain dollar amount you would recommend that I have in total savings before I leave, to support myself until I find a job?
2. Are there any temp agencies or other places of employment in Seattle that you would recommend I check out? Any other tips for job hunting in Seattle?
3. Do you think I should stay in touch with my family, either for its own sake or for the sake of having a place to go to if I am unable to make it on my own? I am scared of being unable to find a job, but I don't want to move back with my family or be in touch, to be honest, although I may miss my mom.
4. Am I overreacting about my therapist?
If anyone may have any advice, I can't say how much it would help me. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks so much.
I'd like to thank you all once again for all your help, I can't say how much it means to me. I got this sock puppet to decrease the chance of anyone in my family knowing where I'm moving to, should they have read any of my previous questions and found out what those usernames are.
I've been making progress towards getting out, although it has taken me a while because I have to be discreet, and my family watches every move I make. (There's been a lot of moving things out in a hurry before everyone wakes up, etc.) I had decided to move to Seattle, and I can't wait for my new life. Although, as the time comes to leave, I'm afraid of being unable to find a job.
I saw that the most recent unemployment rate for Washington State is 7.5%, so I'm hoping I should be able to find something, although I've heard that it is harder to find temp or minimum wage jobs in Seattle. Seattleites, is this the case? I have a BFA degree in Painting, and the only jobs I've been able to find so far have been non-art related, in retail and accounting. I temped in accounting and was able to save some money, but I'm thinking, realistically, that those are the types of jobs that I'll be able to get. How are temp jobs/retail/service jobs in Seattle? Are they hard to come by? I would love to live in Seattle, as its been a dream of mine for a while, but do you think this is a good choice for me? If I run out of my savings, I don't know what I would do, because I don't consider moving back home an option. Do you think I could make it work? Are there any temp agencies you would recommend?
I saw my therapist yesterday, and she's been of the opinion that I should keep in touch with my parents after I move, in case I do run out of money. She has also said that she thinks they're not the worst parents and have done some great things for me. I disagree with her, but I continued seeing her, because I thought perhaps it would help to have a "devil's advocate" type thing, but instead I feel as if she has been chipping away at my need to protect myself and call a spade, a spade. She never referred to what my family has done as abuse because she says that it's a loaded term that sets me up to be a defenseless victim, and yesterday when I was telling her how my parents want to see her (separately from me) and explain their side of things, she said to tell them that she sticks up for them. It made me feel that she takes their side, and now I'm worried that if my parents do come see her, she may tell them where I'm going. Was that an appropriate thing for her to say, because of the confidentiality that is supposed to be there? To be clear, I've never told my parents where exactly I go for therapy, but they do know that I go to a therapist. She's never said that I must get out, as she doesn't think I'm in real danger, but something about that bothers me. My dad went berserk on Monday in a yelling rage towards me, saying it was my fault that the family member who molested me was never put in jail, and even my mom stood up for me, which doesn't usually happen. He wrote an apology the next day, and my therapist said it was extraordinary of him because it was sincere and that I should tell him I appreciate it. But I viewed his apology as part of the abusive cycle, where the abuser is sorry and apologizes until the next time they get angry. Something about my therapist's approach isn't working for me and leaves me feeling that she is actually on my family's side, and I feel like I can't completely trust her anymore or agree with her approach. I don't think she's necessarily a bad therapist, but I'm feeling like her approach isn't working for me. What do you think of the situation?
So, I'm left feeling exhausted, and overwhelmed, because I'm planning on moving out by the end of next week and feel confused with so many things going on. I was originally planning on just asking about the job situation, but my dad's outburst and my therapist's response to that has left me confused and hurt. To sum up:
1. Do you think the job situation in Seattle looks good for someone in my position? Is there a certain dollar amount you would recommend that I have in total savings before I leave, to support myself until I find a job?
2. Are there any temp agencies or other places of employment in Seattle that you would recommend I check out? Any other tips for job hunting in Seattle?
3. Do you think I should stay in touch with my family, either for its own sake or for the sake of having a place to go to if I am unable to make it on my own? I am scared of being unable to find a job, but I don't want to move back with my family or be in touch, to be honest, although I may miss my mom.
4. Am I overreacting about my therapist?
If anyone may have any advice, I can't say how much it would help me. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks so much.
Best answer: Ugh, she sounds like an obnoxious therapist. Your parents have done grotesquely awful things to you, that I'd expect to read about in a work of fiction.
Your family wanting your therapist to hear "their side" is EXACTLY the type of behavior I would expect from a family that is guilty, based on my experience with controlling families. It's always the same script-- "but it's not fair that they know so much about us when we know nothing about them," "it's not fair that they only hear your side," blah blah. Families without those types of issues usually respect boundaries like the professional and medical ones you should have with your therapist. And they don't get in a tizzy about not having 100% complete control and authority over everyone in the family.
From your last questions, it sounds like you have a lot of savings. You're gonna be fine. I've moved on a shoestring and a prayer in the past, and I've been fine. You just simply don't need to keep in touch with your family if you've got a good financial base for now. I think honestly that your therapist is kind of infantalizing you while she tells you not to be a victim.
Ultimately though, this is up to you. I think you're being very brave by coming up with these plans and enacting them. It can be questionable to tell someone not to listen to their therapist, but if you feel that she's not understanding the situation and is fundamentally not on your side... well, I'd get a new therapist. A therapist doesn't have to be a yes-man, but she should be essentially supportive.
It doesn't matter if your parents bought you a house and a car and sent you to the finest private school and were always "there for you" financially in between their episodes of verbal and physical abuse-- they are still abusive. Let's say best case scenario, your dad wasn't as angry as he used to be, never hit anyone, and was starting to mellow out-- I would still think it was 100% a good idea for you to move out and start forming an independent identity, apart from people who will always devalue you and defend those who abuse you because you are a woman. It's disgusting. Lying to you about your SAT score? That alone is a form of the most insidious control and manipulation. If your therapist heard about that little episode and still wants to "root" for your family and be on their side and encourage you to let them stomp all over you in case they might give you money or suddenly turn over a new leaf, she is just spectacularly awful.
Also, because you have been lied to and devalued by them consistently when it comes to your areas of potential-- don't aim low just because you've gotten accustomed to working service jobs and temp jobs. Temping might be a good place to start, for sure, but you have a B.A. and what sounds like some solid work experience (and great life skills, to have saved so much money), so look at more ambitious jobs, too. I am a recent grad with a "useless" degree and I was offered a salaried job with benefits earlier this year, simply because I went for it. You might want to find an easy source of income right off the bat, but you've done well for yourself, and you can be successful, don't sell yourself short. It's a shitty economy but that doesn't mean that you're not good enough, and that you shouldn't fight for what you want. (I find that the worst thing about being born into a social situation where you don't think you're good enough is that you lose the will to fight, because deep down you think you don't deserve anything anyway. So false.)
By the way, I have a friend whose therapist encouraged her to move out of her parents' condo on the grounds of her mom's insidious comments about her weight and her parents' financial controllingness alone. They don't NEED to be actively, violently abusive for you to be better off without them under the same roof. And sure, maybe someday you won't want it to be all-or-nothing, but if getting far far away and cutting them off is what you need for now, there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let guilt in the way. They've been very shitty to you in the grand scheme of things, in very serious ways. THEY should be feeling guilty.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:11 AM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Your family wanting your therapist to hear "their side" is EXACTLY the type of behavior I would expect from a family that is guilty, based on my experience with controlling families. It's always the same script-- "but it's not fair that they know so much about us when we know nothing about them," "it's not fair that they only hear your side," blah blah. Families without those types of issues usually respect boundaries like the professional and medical ones you should have with your therapist. And they don't get in a tizzy about not having 100% complete control and authority over everyone in the family.
From your last questions, it sounds like you have a lot of savings. You're gonna be fine. I've moved on a shoestring and a prayer in the past, and I've been fine. You just simply don't need to keep in touch with your family if you've got a good financial base for now. I think honestly that your therapist is kind of infantalizing you while she tells you not to be a victim.
Ultimately though, this is up to you. I think you're being very brave by coming up with these plans and enacting them. It can be questionable to tell someone not to listen to their therapist, but if you feel that she's not understanding the situation and is fundamentally not on your side... well, I'd get a new therapist. A therapist doesn't have to be a yes-man, but she should be essentially supportive.
It doesn't matter if your parents bought you a house and a car and sent you to the finest private school and were always "there for you" financially in between their episodes of verbal and physical abuse-- they are still abusive. Let's say best case scenario, your dad wasn't as angry as he used to be, never hit anyone, and was starting to mellow out-- I would still think it was 100% a good idea for you to move out and start forming an independent identity, apart from people who will always devalue you and defend those who abuse you because you are a woman. It's disgusting. Lying to you about your SAT score? That alone is a form of the most insidious control and manipulation. If your therapist heard about that little episode and still wants to "root" for your family and be on their side and encourage you to let them stomp all over you in case they might give you money or suddenly turn over a new leaf, she is just spectacularly awful.
Also, because you have been lied to and devalued by them consistently when it comes to your areas of potential-- don't aim low just because you've gotten accustomed to working service jobs and temp jobs. Temping might be a good place to start, for sure, but you have a B.A. and what sounds like some solid work experience (and great life skills, to have saved so much money), so look at more ambitious jobs, too. I am a recent grad with a "useless" degree and I was offered a salaried job with benefits earlier this year, simply because I went for it. You might want to find an easy source of income right off the bat, but you've done well for yourself, and you can be successful, don't sell yourself short. It's a shitty economy but that doesn't mean that you're not good enough, and that you shouldn't fight for what you want. (I find that the worst thing about being born into a social situation where you don't think you're good enough is that you lose the will to fight, because deep down you think you don't deserve anything anyway. So false.)
By the way, I have a friend whose therapist encouraged her to move out of her parents' condo on the grounds of her mom's insidious comments about her weight and her parents' financial controllingness alone. They don't NEED to be actively, violently abusive for you to be better off without them under the same roof. And sure, maybe someday you won't want it to be all-or-nothing, but if getting far far away and cutting them off is what you need for now, there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let guilt in the way. They've been very shitty to you in the grand scheme of things, in very serious ways. THEY should be feeling guilty.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:11 AM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Also: it's not that hard to find a sublet from out-of-town if you search near universities and in student areas. If you email students looking to sublet their rooms and say you have a degree and are relocating to Seattle for work or education, there will probably be some students going abroad or away for the spring/summer who will be super glad to find a last-minute subletter. I've done it a million times. This is what I look for in a sublet:
a) A place that looks nice, with nice photos, nice walls and floors, and nice, neat furniture and decorations, that indicates that the tenant takes care of her things and likes the apartment enough to invest in it,
b) Roommates who seem respectful and nice and even a little further down the "uptight" scale, in that they're being cautious and wary of unsavoryness, and
c) People who are subletting their room for reasonable sounding reasons (going abroad, going home for the summer, &c.), instead of someone who mysteriously has both a studio apartment for rent AND another studio/condo/apartment (indicating that they signed a lease on a place that ended up being disgusting/unlivable and are now trying to get rid of it.)
If local universities have sublet postings, I'd check those over Craigslist. I've only had miserable experiences trying to rent through Craigslist, tbh.
Also, local universities might have psych studies &c. you can sign up for quick cash, and if worst comes to worse, a combo of that plus donating plasma plus whatever else will keep some income coming in while you search for a job. That's if things REALLY get desperate though, and I don't think they will for you.
I know someone who recently moved to Seattle from a medium-sized city in Texas (where he was poor, underemployed, and scraping by) and was very quickly able to get interviews with three decent employers. I know a lot of people in Seattle who temp for Microsoft and Bing. Unemployment is up and I'm not saying it'll be easy or instantaneous, but a lot of people waste away in smaller towns, not realizing they'd have a lot more luck somewhere with better opportunity. If there's a career center at your alma mater, I'd try to set up a phone appointment and work up a really good resume/cover letter for whatever jobs you're considering. (My university has helped me greatly in this area, and they were very goal-oriented, in that we identified a city and an area of work and tailored everything very specifically to give me the best leg-up.) Hopefully others will have good info about Seattle.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:20 AM on April 11, 2013
a) A place that looks nice, with nice photos, nice walls and floors, and nice, neat furniture and decorations, that indicates that the tenant takes care of her things and likes the apartment enough to invest in it,
b) Roommates who seem respectful and nice and even a little further down the "uptight" scale, in that they're being cautious and wary of unsavoryness, and
c) People who are subletting their room for reasonable sounding reasons (going abroad, going home for the summer, &c.), instead of someone who mysteriously has both a studio apartment for rent AND another studio/condo/apartment (indicating that they signed a lease on a place that ended up being disgusting/unlivable and are now trying to get rid of it.)
If local universities have sublet postings, I'd check those over Craigslist. I've only had miserable experiences trying to rent through Craigslist, tbh.
Also, local universities might have psych studies &c. you can sign up for quick cash, and if worst comes to worse, a combo of that plus donating plasma plus whatever else will keep some income coming in while you search for a job. That's if things REALLY get desperate though, and I don't think they will for you.
I know someone who recently moved to Seattle from a medium-sized city in Texas (where he was poor, underemployed, and scraping by) and was very quickly able to get interviews with three decent employers. I know a lot of people in Seattle who temp for Microsoft and Bing. Unemployment is up and I'm not saying it'll be easy or instantaneous, but a lot of people waste away in smaller towns, not realizing they'd have a lot more luck somewhere with better opportunity. If there's a career center at your alma mater, I'd try to set up a phone appointment and work up a really good resume/cover letter for whatever jobs you're considering. (My university has helped me greatly in this area, and they were very goal-oriented, in that we identified a city and an area of work and tailored everything very specifically to give me the best leg-up.) Hopefully others will have good info about Seattle.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:20 AM on April 11, 2013
Best answer: I cant answer anything about the Seattle aspect of things. But I came in to say that frankly I would class your relationship with your therapist as abusive, and I'm half wondering about what transference/counter transference is happening. How DARE she say she's on your parents' side?! She should be on yours, period. Let your parents find their own therapists if they have a desperate need to talk about things. Therapy is all about the relationship, and while part of that might include some challenges to your way of thinking, telling you you're wrong about identifying their behaviour as abuse / trying to persuade you to keep in touch with them for financial reasons / saying they've done "great things" for you when they've clearly wounded you deeply... I find that appalling. She should be helping you to feel empowered, not more confused. My advice is to end that relationship and find someone who hears what you are saying. I wish you the best of luck with the move.
posted by billiebee at 2:58 AM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 2:58 AM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: In order to separate from your parents, it might be necessary for you to see them as all bad, even if they are not. You're therapist may be premature in pointing out this reality (and I wonder if I should even be telling you about it) but will you also be leaving therapy when you move? That may be coloring what she is saying.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:21 AM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:21 AM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: To the issue if whether or not to stay in touch with your family: you don't have to decide that now. Also, it's a decision you can make as often or as little as you want. You can take it day by day and ask yourself when you get up in the morning "do I want contact with my family today?" Or you can revisit the question every three months, or once a year, or five years from now. Whatever you want. You don't have to decide today on behalf of the rest of your life. (This applies to many things.)
Any decision will have benefits and, potentially, regrets. So you don't have to anticipate, today, every possible scenario that may result from your decision/s. (if that were even possible.)
posted by vitabellosi at 7:07 AM on April 11, 2013
Any decision will have benefits and, potentially, regrets. So you don't have to anticipate, today, every possible scenario that may result from your decision/s. (if that were even possible.)
posted by vitabellosi at 7:07 AM on April 11, 2013
Best answer: I would have a good temporary plan for where I'm going . For example an AirBnB room cheap for a couple of weeks, until you can get set up with a job and a place to live permanantly. Or, if you've secured a place with Craigslist, that's cool.
Now, you should be able to find a couple of jobs right off the bat. Temping and something else: Barista, cashier at a 'Stop and Rob', etc. This will get you money coming in right off the bat. You can work around your schedule to secure a good, permanant gig with decent pay and benefits.
If you're taking a car with you, make sure it doesn't have a GPS thingy on it. Ditto a phone.
You don't need to substitute your judgement for your therapists. You've been in the situation your whole life, she only knows what you tell her.
As for her discussing you with your parents. NO!
Good luck! Be sure to post when you're on the other side!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:37 AM on April 11, 2013
Now, you should be able to find a couple of jobs right off the bat. Temping and something else: Barista, cashier at a 'Stop and Rob', etc. This will get you money coming in right off the bat. You can work around your schedule to secure a good, permanant gig with decent pay and benefits.
If you're taking a car with you, make sure it doesn't have a GPS thingy on it. Ditto a phone.
You don't need to substitute your judgement for your therapists. You've been in the situation your whole life, she only knows what you tell her.
As for her discussing you with your parents. NO!
Good luck! Be sure to post when you're on the other side!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:37 AM on April 11, 2013
Best answer: Very few people are "all bad"-- your parents have clearly been abusive, and they don't have to have little red horns sprouting from their heads for you to want to leave them now.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:38 AM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by stoneandstar at 7:38 AM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm responding to your question #4: "Am I overreacting about my therapist?"
Nope.
There is time for black and white and shades of grey later.
Let's focus on what you need to build the life you want.
This therapist sounds like she is not supporting your optimal mental health. This is not your problem. Sometimes, listening to ourselves is as subtle as thinking, "Hmm, I don't think I agree." A no can be as subtle as, "I don't know," or, "I'm not sure."
To crystallize: you want to leave. You are planning to leave. There are doubts. But, it hurts you. You want to leave.
There are two lines from a Sapphire poem that read:
Later, you can think about the complexities and grey areas, if you want. But, for now, crystallize on what you want. You want to leave. You want to build a new life. You get hints of what could be different. You are an artist. Listen to that, and in doing so that is one way you build trust in yourself. Perhaps what confuses us most are those complicated, layered emotions. Leave. Build trust in and with yourself. That is what this will strengthen in you.
Forget that therapist. You will find another one. Keep looking. Keep moving. You are going to be okay. You will be okay.
posted by simulacra at 8:34 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
Nope.
There is time for black and white and shades of grey later.
Let's focus on what you need to build the life you want.
This therapist sounds like she is not supporting your optimal mental health. This is not your problem. Sometimes, listening to ourselves is as subtle as thinking, "Hmm, I don't think I agree." A no can be as subtle as, "I don't know," or, "I'm not sure."
To crystallize: you want to leave. You are planning to leave. There are doubts. But, it hurts you. You want to leave.
There are two lines from a Sapphire poem that read:
I'm scared to goAbuse is this sometime-labyrinthine thing that often confuses, causes doubt. Right now, you need unabashed, clear-headed, 1,000 times on your side allies. This is not the time for veering. And, right now, you have some elements and people who are causing this veering. It is okay to trust your doubts.
it hurts me to stay.
Later, you can think about the complexities and grey areas, if you want. But, for now, crystallize on what you want. You want to leave. You want to build a new life. You get hints of what could be different. You are an artist. Listen to that, and in doing so that is one way you build trust in yourself. Perhaps what confuses us most are those complicated, layered emotions. Leave. Build trust in and with yourself. That is what this will strengthen in you.
Forget that therapist. You will find another one. Keep looking. Keep moving. You are going to be okay. You will be okay.
posted by simulacra at 8:34 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Here are some temp agencies/contractors you can look into. Most of them work with the big tech companies here (Microsoft, Amazon, Google, etc). The first four I have personal experience with so feel free to memail me if you'd like more info.
Randstad SourceRight (recruiting support for Microsoft: interview scheduling, resume processing, customer service)
OfficeTeam/Accountemps/Robert Half (specialize in admin and accounting jobs)
Pitney Bowes (they do reception and mail services for Microsoft)
Kelly Services
Corestaff
Volt
Spherion
Adecco
Business Careers
Terra Staffing
Parker Staffing
posted by E3 at 9:10 AM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Randstad SourceRight (recruiting support for Microsoft: interview scheduling, resume processing, customer service)
OfficeTeam/Accountemps/Robert Half (specialize in admin and accounting jobs)
Pitney Bowes (they do reception and mail services for Microsoft)
Kelly Services
Corestaff
Volt
Spherion
Adecco
Business Careers
Terra Staffing
Parker Staffing
posted by E3 at 9:10 AM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: When I was in therapy, I talked about my messed up relationship with my parents a lot.
My parents were not abusive when I was a child, and we have a decent enough relationship now. I've never been through anything close to what you've been through.
And yet my therapist stuck up for me during all these conversations, reassuring me that anything I felt like talking about was perfectly OK and not silly or whiny at all. She never suggested getting "my parents' side" or "not being a victim" or even suggested any course of action towards my family.
So it strikes me as extremely problematic that your therapist refuses to take your side on the issue of your family, in situations that are still going on even now.
Please stop seeing this therapist.
posted by Sara C. at 9:49 AM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
My parents were not abusive when I was a child, and we have a decent enough relationship now. I've never been through anything close to what you've been through.
And yet my therapist stuck up for me during all these conversations, reassuring me that anything I felt like talking about was perfectly OK and not silly or whiny at all. She never suggested getting "my parents' side" or "not being a victim" or even suggested any course of action towards my family.
So it strikes me as extremely problematic that your therapist refuses to take your side on the issue of your family, in situations that are still going on even now.
Please stop seeing this therapist.
posted by Sara C. at 9:49 AM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: The relationship with the therapist sounds anything but therapeutic. There is time to consider reconnecting with some or all of your family members once you're safely out of the bad situation, but now is not that time. I would feel seriously undermined by that, and I agree with Sara C. -- please stop seeing this therapist. I totally agree with you that your father's apology seems like a classic abuser cycle pattern -- and you have a lot more to lose by downplaying this and assuming he's in good faith than you do by protecting yourself first and considering whether to reconnect later.
Also, remember that there are undoubtedly Mefites near you who would be happy to help in any way they can. If you're anywhere near me, let me know and I'll help you haul stuff, store stuff and ship it to you once you're out there, let you sleep on my couch in the meantime, whatever. I know I'm not the only one. You're doing an amazing job of taking care of yourself in a difficult situation, and if you need in-person assistance in addition to the online support, you've got folks here who will be there for you.
posted by katemonster at 10:07 AM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, remember that there are undoubtedly Mefites near you who would be happy to help in any way they can. If you're anywhere near me, let me know and I'll help you haul stuff, store stuff and ship it to you once you're out there, let you sleep on my couch in the meantime, whatever. I know I'm not the only one. You're doing an amazing job of taking care of yourself in a difficult situation, and if you need in-person assistance in addition to the online support, you've got folks here who will be there for you.
posted by katemonster at 10:07 AM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Not knowing where you are coming from, I just want to remind you that Seattle has pretty high housing costs. If you don't have friends here you should consider renting a room in a house. Not only is it cheaper but it can help establish friendships in your new city. Employment here is tricky... there are definitely jobs but you really need to be here to be considered for minimum-wage/entry level positions. I would make sure you have enough money for a couple months of looking for work. I've been caught off guard by how difficult it can be to find work here, and I have a support system here! Finally, as long as you live within the city proper you will not need a car. In many areas of Seattle parking is a major hassle so I would sell your car before you come or as soon as you get here.
Good luck! I'm a big fan of moving to following your dreams. In fact, that's what brought me to Washington State 20 years ago!
posted by jezemars at 10:08 AM on April 11, 2013
Good luck! I'm a big fan of moving to following your dreams. In fact, that's what brought me to Washington State 20 years ago!
posted by jezemars at 10:08 AM on April 11, 2013
Best answer: 1. The job situation may be challenging but Seattle has the best situation going in Washington state. The list of temp agencies provided above is great. You may end up traveling to the "Eastside" for work at Microsoft or Microsoft-affiliated places. There's transit for this but if you have a car, I'm gonna disagree on the selling your car point. Don't sell it right away. Having a car would making interviewing in the outlying areas much easier. I guess there's also Zipcar etc. as an option. (Riding 2-3 buses to get to Redmond for a job interview? You could do it but it sounds awful to me.) Once you have a job, riding transit there is no big deal because it will probably be during peak commute times.
How much money do you need? I would look at Craigslist to get an idea of how much rent will be each month. Factor in food and some sundry expenses. Plan to have at least six months worth saved. (I'm extremely risk averse though. And you really need to get out of your current living situation.)
2. The list of temp agencies above is great. Use any connections you have. Follow-up with prospective employers even if you don't hear back so you stay on their radar. Be willing to do all kinds of work. (The latter doesn't sound like a problem.) Apply at Starbucks too. From what I recall even their part-time employees get paid a decent wage and get some benefits!
3. You don't have to decide this now. I would set this aside and take it day by day. Don't tell them where you're going etc. You will always be able to initiate contact if you want to. That will feel powerful when you're no longer in their grasp.
4. Am I overreacting about my therapist?
Your therapist sounds unhelpful. I would stop seeing her. You don't have to tell her this, just cancel your next appointment(s).
Definitely rent a room in a house. I don't see how you could find an apartment to rent here on your own without a job already lined up. Plus, I'm sorry to say that Seattle is known for being a difficult place to make friends with people. Roommates your own age = built in connections. (Not built-in friends, but connections at least! And connections are usually how people find jobs.) Look for housing near UW (the U-district).
posted by purple_bird at 10:42 AM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
How much money do you need? I would look at Craigslist to get an idea of how much rent will be each month. Factor in food and some sundry expenses. Plan to have at least six months worth saved. (I'm extremely risk averse though. And you really need to get out of your current living situation.)
2. The list of temp agencies above is great. Use any connections you have. Follow-up with prospective employers even if you don't hear back so you stay on their radar. Be willing to do all kinds of work. (The latter doesn't sound like a problem.) Apply at Starbucks too. From what I recall even their part-time employees get paid a decent wage and get some benefits!
3. You don't have to decide this now. I would set this aside and take it day by day. Don't tell them where you're going etc. You will always be able to initiate contact if you want to. That will feel powerful when you're no longer in their grasp.
4. Am I overreacting about my therapist?
Your therapist sounds unhelpful. I would stop seeing her. You don't have to tell her this, just cancel your next appointment(s).
Definitely rent a room in a house. I don't see how you could find an apartment to rent here on your own without a job already lined up. Plus, I'm sorry to say that Seattle is known for being a difficult place to make friends with people. Roommates your own age = built in connections. (Not built-in friends, but connections at least! And connections are usually how people find jobs.) Look for housing near UW (the U-district).
posted by purple_bird at 10:42 AM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I live in Seattle. Unfortunately, I don't have the experience to give authoritative answers to any of your questions (other than, yeah, your therapist sounds like, if not a jerk, then wrong for you). I can add some color that might help you as you figure out your options:
Seattle has weathered the recession better than a lot of areas, which is a mixed bag for you. The economy here is chugging away, slowly creating jobs, which on the whole, makes it a good place to go. The downsides are that our housing market didn't take a major beating, and people have been moving here because of the jobs, which puts some pressure on the housing market.
Seattle allows what it calls "single room occupancy" dwellings. Basically the modern equivalent of a boarding house: People have their own rooms and share bathrooms and kitchen areas. There aren't all that many now, but they exist, and city planners consider them an essential part of the housing mix to accommodate people who are passing through, need a place to live while they get established, need a place to live while they deal with a setback, can afford a room, but not an apartment, etc. I don't know much about the SRO market, but I get the impression that there are some that cater to people who are stuck with their heads just above water, and others for people who are a little more on top of things and just need an affordable room.
When considering housing options, particularly when you don't have a stable employment situation, it is worth keeping in mind that Seattle's public transit is a mixed bag. It works best at getting people into and out-of downtown. It also does a decent job of getting people to and from the University District, and of connecting downtown to other transit centers (northgate, other cities int he region).
Seattle also has an embryonic light rail system that currently connects downtown to the rainier valley and on to SeaTac airport. It is also establishing bus rapid transit corridors (dubbed Rapid Ride), and already has lines operating that provide connections between downtown and ballard to the NW and west seattle to the SW. The train and rapid ride run every 10 minutes or less through much of the day, and every 15 minutes for the rest and cover all but a couple of hours in the wee hours of the morning. Transit oriented development taking advantage of this fact is just getting started, but there are growing numbers of apartments with good access to downtown and local services and cheaper rents than you'd find in some of the older, closer-in areas of Seattle.
Last comment related to transit: Seattle is in the midst of some major disruptive road work and it is about to get much worse. Highway 99, the second biggest N-S corridor after the I-5 freeway is going to be narrowed dramatically for replacement of some overpass bridges, and then closed completely while they teardown a waterfront viaduct and finish work on a tunnel to serve in its place. I don't know all the impacts, but I'm sure that it is going to add considerably to any road trip that has to get past downtown.
Oh, I agree, if you have a car, you might want to hang on to it, at least until you get settled. On the other hand, a car can make housing more challenging, and ZipCar, Car2Go and taxi service offer good options for those times when transit doesn't cut it. Also, if you live someplace with cold winters that puts a lot of salt on the road, your car might not fetch a very good price in Seattle, where used cars tend to hold up pretty well.
As for jobs. Do you have any experience with digital creative tools (photoshop, illustrator, etc). given your art background, I'd think you might do well to target some of the staffing firms that target the "creative" market. Aquent, Filter and, I am sure, plenty of others. At this point, I think your best bet is to get on the rolls of as many temp agencies, both creative and clerical as possible.
Start making a list and then submit your resume to them a week or two before you come out. For the creative-oriented agencies, you probably need some sort of portfolio. Make a list of agencies, and then start working your way through the list one by one, rather than shotgun-style, trying to find someone who will actually spend a little time giving you feedback on making your portfolio and resume stronger.
As others have said, it will be much easier to find housing and work once you are here, but it won't hurt to start the process before you come. One thing you can do once you are here is start plugging in to the community. Seattle is big enough that you can probably find some cheap or free event/meetup related to your personal interests almost every day of the week. That includes the visual arts, and I'm sure that if you go to visual art and design related events you'll meet people who either make a semblance of a living in something for which your MFA will be a direct qualification, or will be someone who has a fine arts background and makes a living in some design-related profession.
If you want a backup, plug in to the coffee culture here. I wouldn't be surprised if there are people who teach barrista skills just for the love of it (or mostly for the love of it). Once you have that under your belt, you can probably start picking up shifts at some of the 500,000,000 cafe's here.
posted by Good Brain at 12:10 PM on April 11, 2013
Seattle has weathered the recession better than a lot of areas, which is a mixed bag for you. The economy here is chugging away, slowly creating jobs, which on the whole, makes it a good place to go. The downsides are that our housing market didn't take a major beating, and people have been moving here because of the jobs, which puts some pressure on the housing market.
Seattle allows what it calls "single room occupancy" dwellings. Basically the modern equivalent of a boarding house: People have their own rooms and share bathrooms and kitchen areas. There aren't all that many now, but they exist, and city planners consider them an essential part of the housing mix to accommodate people who are passing through, need a place to live while they get established, need a place to live while they deal with a setback, can afford a room, but not an apartment, etc. I don't know much about the SRO market, but I get the impression that there are some that cater to people who are stuck with their heads just above water, and others for people who are a little more on top of things and just need an affordable room.
When considering housing options, particularly when you don't have a stable employment situation, it is worth keeping in mind that Seattle's public transit is a mixed bag. It works best at getting people into and out-of downtown. It also does a decent job of getting people to and from the University District, and of connecting downtown to other transit centers (northgate, other cities int he region).
Seattle also has an embryonic light rail system that currently connects downtown to the rainier valley and on to SeaTac airport. It is also establishing bus rapid transit corridors (dubbed Rapid Ride), and already has lines operating that provide connections between downtown and ballard to the NW and west seattle to the SW. The train and rapid ride run every 10 minutes or less through much of the day, and every 15 minutes for the rest and cover all but a couple of hours in the wee hours of the morning. Transit oriented development taking advantage of this fact is just getting started, but there are growing numbers of apartments with good access to downtown and local services and cheaper rents than you'd find in some of the older, closer-in areas of Seattle.
Last comment related to transit: Seattle is in the midst of some major disruptive road work and it is about to get much worse. Highway 99, the second biggest N-S corridor after the I-5 freeway is going to be narrowed dramatically for replacement of some overpass bridges, and then closed completely while they teardown a waterfront viaduct and finish work on a tunnel to serve in its place. I don't know all the impacts, but I'm sure that it is going to add considerably to any road trip that has to get past downtown.
Oh, I agree, if you have a car, you might want to hang on to it, at least until you get settled. On the other hand, a car can make housing more challenging, and ZipCar, Car2Go and taxi service offer good options for those times when transit doesn't cut it. Also, if you live someplace with cold winters that puts a lot of salt on the road, your car might not fetch a very good price in Seattle, where used cars tend to hold up pretty well.
As for jobs. Do you have any experience with digital creative tools (photoshop, illustrator, etc). given your art background, I'd think you might do well to target some of the staffing firms that target the "creative" market. Aquent, Filter and, I am sure, plenty of others. At this point, I think your best bet is to get on the rolls of as many temp agencies, both creative and clerical as possible.
Start making a list and then submit your resume to them a week or two before you come out. For the creative-oriented agencies, you probably need some sort of portfolio. Make a list of agencies, and then start working your way through the list one by one, rather than shotgun-style, trying to find someone who will actually spend a little time giving you feedback on making your portfolio and resume stronger.
As others have said, it will be much easier to find housing and work once you are here, but it won't hurt to start the process before you come. One thing you can do once you are here is start plugging in to the community. Seattle is big enough that you can probably find some cheap or free event/meetup related to your personal interests almost every day of the week. That includes the visual arts, and I'm sure that if you go to visual art and design related events you'll meet people who either make a semblance of a living in something for which your MFA will be a direct qualification, or will be someone who has a fine arts background and makes a living in some design-related profession.
If you want a backup, plug in to the coffee culture here. I wouldn't be surprised if there are people who teach barrista skills just for the love of it (or mostly for the love of it). Once you have that under your belt, you can probably start picking up shifts at some of the 500,000,000 cafe's here.
posted by Good Brain at 12:10 PM on April 11, 2013
Best answer: I forgot about the "boardng house" option. One company is Apodments. That seems like a good temporary option.
posted by purple_bird at 12:25 PM on April 11, 2013
posted by purple_bird at 12:25 PM on April 11, 2013
Best answer: It sounds like you're pretty ready to move. I don't see a reason to stay in touch with your family -- you can always get in touch with them later if you change your mind and have a way to stay safe while in contact with them. (And honestly, I think Nickelsville is probably a better alternative to hoping your parents will help you financially.) That said, I'd recommend Sara Muckler as a therapist, when you get to Seattle. And if I hear of anyone hiring, I'll memail this sockpuppet. Feel free to memail Seattle specific questions, if you have little ones you don't want to use a question on (I've lived or worked in all four corners of it).
posted by Margalo Epps at 3:48 PM on April 11, 2013
posted by Margalo Epps at 3:48 PM on April 11, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks so much, everyone, for all of the responses. They have really helped me feel better about things and have renewed my energy to get out. I hope my therapist knows that my decision to leave isn't personal, her approach just wasn't working for me. There's so much helpful information here! I am very grateful for all of the tips and advice. I feel like I'm back in a good place to put all of my energy into getting out and being more ready to find a job. Feel free to post any other advice, I'll be checking back here. I'll post once I arrive in my new city! Thanks again, so much.
posted by independence under the radar at 7:45 PM on April 11, 2013
posted by independence under the radar at 7:45 PM on April 11, 2013
Response by poster: Hello everyone! In case anyone may still be reading this, I just wanted to let you all know that I've reached my destination safe and sound! I am now on the job/apartment hunt. Wish me luck!
I want to thank everyone in this thread and the others for your support and advice. It has really helped me move forward to the next stage of my life. I didn't really have anyone to talk to or ask about the difficult situation I was going through. Your comments gave me the extra push I needed to realize that things needed to change, and I am forever grateful for that.
Take care, and thanks again! :D
posted by independence under the radar at 1:35 PM on May 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
I want to thank everyone in this thread and the others for your support and advice. It has really helped me move forward to the next stage of my life. I didn't really have anyone to talk to or ask about the difficult situation I was going through. Your comments gave me the extra push I needed to realize that things needed to change, and I am forever grateful for that.
Take care, and thanks again! :D
posted by independence under the radar at 1:35 PM on May 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Glad to hear you made it safely! Hope everything is going well for you.
posted by E3 at 3:22 PM on May 31, 2013
posted by E3 at 3:22 PM on May 31, 2013
« Older Things to do on Kauai... Indoors? | How to stop getting angry about the small stuff? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
having said that i don't know how easy it will be to get an apartment without a job, or to find a job, so i do understand your therapist not wanting you to completely cut yourself off from your family if things don't work out. also, things don't have to be all or nothing with them. if you feel you will miss your mom you can still talk to her on the phone regularly. do you have any friends in seattle? if you do it would make it a lot easier. i think that what would help you tremendously is if you can find a supportive group of people when you move. of course that takes time to develop but you might want to consider a house of worship or a 12-step group like adult children of alcoholics. ACA is free but will give you a place to express your feelings and at least be around others who understand the family dynamic you have endured. maybe also look up some meet-ups in seattle.
i think the more of a plan you have before you move the better off you will be as far as housing, work, social life, etc. still, if you feel you need to just up and move then worst come to worst you can find a women's shelter if you run out of money. make sure you have those numbers handy before you move if your internet will be down for awhile. maybe even trying to make some connections now would be helpful. i think women's shelters tend to have classes and things to help empower you so it might be good to make contact with them initially to find a place to receive support/healing from your abusive father.
i'm rooting for you! good luck and let us know how it all goes.
posted by wildflower at 1:01 AM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]