What are examples and definition of boyish behavior in an adult male?

April 5, 2013 7:24 PM

I've recently been told that I act boyish by several people and I do not entirely understand what this means nor can anyone who has said this actually explain it well (versus being "a man"). I'm an adult male, and understand that this kind of behavior may be an obstacle to dating women and finding a girlfriend. I tend to joke around a lot (especially with women), but a lot of people joke around, so it's difficult for me to equate joking around with boyishness. I also laugh a lot. One female friend said that I'm like "a little boy" and that she felt comfortable talking to me(otherwise she has almost no other male friends). I have a job, my own place to live, no roommates, a car. All adult, responsible things so I can't see these comments about being boyish related to lacking responsibility. Does anyone have any specific examples of behaviors, ways of interacting, or conversations that they consider to be boyish? Thanks for your help
posted by itshaytime to Human Relations (37 answers total)

Little boys fidget. They don't know what to do with their hands and feet when they're not occupied, and they're filled with energy.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:27 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

It might help to clarify what you mean by "joke around" - a lot of people are funny, yes, but there are distinctly juvenile forms of joking.
posted by Miko at 7:30 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: To clarify, I mean teasing people. Not necessarily being mean spirited though.
posted by itshaytime at 7:35 PM on April 5, 2013

It might be the kind of joking around that you are doing. What does this look like? Perhaps share an example of what you find funny. There are forms of humor that are generally considered higher shelf, and some that are lower shelf. The latter isn't always wrong, but too much of it can be. Also, for people who joke around too much, it might suggest a lack of proper emotional engagement with life that needs, at times, to be serious.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:36 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Just saw your response. Yes, teasing isn't always received well by people (sometimes not at all). Also, too much of that and you probably need a bit more in your joke repertoire.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:38 PM on April 5, 2013 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Boyish to me means absolutely unable to be serious. It's a flaw on my husband's part - if you can't take an issue/event seriously, it often feels like you do not take responsibility either (no matter how responsible you are with owning a car etc.). When he deflects seriousness with joking around (not wit, joking) it makes me really irritated because he's avoiding serious topics in order to get a cheap laugh or to not take responsibility and shift that to me.

So, to me, boyish behaviour tends to correlate with jokes over wit, deflecting serious conversation/events and so on with said joking behaviour and a certain recklessness/destructiveness with the expectation that someone else, somewhere, is going to deal with it (littering is one of my pet peeve behaviours along these lines, wrecking things - even if they're getting chucked, I look askance at anyone who makes a mess for no reason). In kids it's still irritating, but in adults? I can't stand it.

And yeah, teasing for the most part, unless it is heavily weighted with other forms of wit and is never EVER mean (no matter your intent, I'm talking about how the person feels), certainly comes across boyish and immature to me. The expectation that it's funny AND sense of being entitled to forgiveness get to me with a lot of teasing.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:40 PM on April 5, 2013 [37 favorites]

I tend to use "boyish" as a positive description for an adult man - not immature or irresponsible, but goofily enthusiastic and maybe a little mischievous. I would define Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics as having a boyish voice. I say this about men who seem to have a sense of delight and wonder for the world. I find that quality appealing, but it's important to get serious when the occasion warrants it.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 7:40 PM on April 5, 2013 [8 favorites]

It could mean open, fun and sweet-natured.

It could also mean teasing too much and not taking people seriously when they really need to know that they are heard and taken seriously.

If it bothers you, ask your friends what they mean by it.
posted by bunderful at 7:46 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

My boyish adult male friends are bouncy, enthusiastic, and kind of cheeky. They're generally good sports, often extremely playful, and typically just somebody fun to be around. I feel like "boyish" is also different from "frat boy-ish", which implies irresponsibility, immaturity, and mean-spirited behavior.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:55 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Ohhh, you tease. Mmm, your intent may not be mean-spirited, but you could be coming off as such, ESPECIALLY if you'd be likely to say something like, "Oh come on, I was just kidding" if someone were to take offense to what you've said. Doing that makes it clear you do not take responsibility for your actions or for their impact, and that is definitely boyish in a very bad way.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:58 PM on April 5, 2013 [13 favorites]

Could these people be flirting with you?
posted by jander03 at 7:58 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Perhaps you exude youthful exuberance? I wouldn't automatically think it's a bad thing.
posted by cecic at 8:03 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

As bunderful says, people saying this could mean something either quite positive or something negative. For me personally, I'd use the word boyish in a positive way, to mean that someone was possessed with youthful enthusiasm and wonder. If I wanted to describe a man who didn't take things seriously enough or lacked responsibility, I'd use the word immature.
posted by katyggls at 8:05 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Your physique may be a considerable factor in other's impression. Is it?
posted by Kruger5 at 8:06 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Do you make a lot of jokes about poop, pee, farting, and other stuff that little boys and frat boys would be into? That's pretty much the #1 thing that comes to mind regarding "boyish" and "bad."
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:08 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I notice that you say you joke around "especially with women." In some people, I've seen that correlate with what is essentially a nervousness around women, avoidance of a having a sexual relationship develop, a desire to take any sexual tension or chemistry entirely out of an interaction and forestall any non-jocular form of intimacy that might come up.

When that set of things is in place it creates a strong "buddy" vibe that can really communicate a lack of interest in a sexual/emotional relationship.

Again, I have no way to know if your boyishness is that variety. But when guys tend to joke around a lot with women, and keep their interactions with women to a joking level of interchange, without ever venturing into a more interpersonal thing like sincere curiosity, expression of admiration/respect/attraction, etc., it sort of seems boyish in a way that means definitely not sexual.
posted by Miko at 8:22 PM on April 5, 2013 [12 favorites]

Honestly, given the context you describe, I think it means that you may not know how to "read" women well enough to decide when they want you to chill out and stop teasing them. I don't mean this in an unkind way at all, but some people find it really exhausting to be around others who are relentless with their teasing and don't know when to quit. It's like, at some point I just want you to settle down and be serious for a while so I can catch my breath. It's not necessarily "childish" in the irresponsible sense, rather it's just a kind of tone-deaf exuberance that may try the patience of some people.

(Again, really don't mean to sound harsh here. Exuberance is not a bad quality; you just need to know when to dial it back a bit.)
posted by easy, lucky, free at 8:29 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

Are they using "boyish" as a euphemism for "immature" possibly? Do you tell crude jokes?
posted by discopolo at 8:34 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

One female friend said that I'm like "a little boy" and that she felt comfortable talking to me(otherwise she has almost no other male friends).

This means that she does not view you a desirable romantic or sexual counterpart. Since you are asking this question, she is not alone.

You say that you have your own place, no roommates, laugh a lot, joke around a lot and so on. You describe this as "adult". However, this also describes the main character in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure". This is not to say that you are as silly as Pee-Wee Herman, but having your own place and gainful employment isn't enough to make you successful in the sexual market place. How you act and carry yourself matters a lot. Being able to pay your own bills is a necessary but not sufficient condition of dating success.

I think your question is exactly backwards. You want us to give you examples of "boyish" behavior. Since you are the one who has been called boyish, you need to ask the women who are calling you this why. If that has failed, can you give us specific examples of your jokey behavior? It is going to be much easier for us to answer your question if you give us specifics about how you act than asking us to take guesses like "fart jokes are immature and boyish. do you do that a lot?" about what you are doing. Right now we are just shooting in the dark.

I took the liberty of checking out your favorites and noticed that they are almost exclusively about relationship basics. There is something fundamental going on here. I would wager that you probably view yourself as a "nice guy" who views being a silly friend as a form of courtship; I have the impression that you are always "on". While that doesn't have a success rate of zero, it is not the optimal dating strategy. Ducky didn't come out ahead for a reason.
posted by Tanizaki at 8:35 PM on April 5, 2013 [13 favorites]

Best answer: If you joke around a lot and tease women constantly, that's your major form of interaction and you're getting feedback that you're being viewed as a little boy, which is why they feel comfortable around you, I'd say you're coming across as someone who doesn't take anything seriously, as a grown man would. It's hard to respect or rely on someone if you can't have an adult conversation with them, without it being turned into a joke. Being funny is fine, but it's important to know if it's appropriate for the occasion or not, and to be serious when the situation calls for it. And if your teasing is mean? (It may come across as that, even if it's not the intention) you don't stand a chance. A lot of it comes down to learning how to read the mood of a room.
posted by Jubey at 8:35 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Difficult to say exactly why, but examining why I might call an adult male boyish:
1) Appearance - has a rounder face, big eyes, looks young and/or generally happy
2) Demeanor when sex and relationships come up - comparatively inexperienced or unrealistic
3) Demeanor with women being of the playground variety - you metaphorically stick your crush's braid in her inkwell to show you like her
4) Irresponsible with either big issues, small, or both - can't do life problems talks or still has their mom do laundry

And on the teasing - less is more, and don't repeat the bit. I have one friend who constantly teases about the same stuff and it got old the second time onward. Worse still is being a dick and following up with "I'm just teasing" to try to get off the hook. I was stuck at an event next to this dude who kept saying the opposite of what I said or giving me mean motives and added "I'm just teasing" as his sole contribution to the discussion. I mention I'm from a small town, and he says "Vegartanipla hates small towns!" Waits a beat... "I'm just teasing you!" It was insufferable and I left early.
posted by vegartanipla at 8:41 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

My 25 year old son can come across as boyish. He is very intelligent and very responsible but his emotional makeup is somewhat simple. He gets enthused (in a way that comes across as childlike and innocent) about good food or something intellectually gratifying. He occasionally gets really mad about something. Beyond that, he doesn't have much affect. His exuberant joy in things like mashed potatoes or a videogame reads as childlike.

Some people are emotionally simpler than average and it tends to look to other people like they must be inexperienced or naive or otherwise in some sense childlike. If you are introverted, and thus do not strongly express your feelings, it can have a similar impact on the impression other people have. I think the general expectation is that you should be somewhat cynical and untrusting if you have much "adult" experience. If for some reason you do not relate that way, some people will tend to infer that you are inexperienced.

I get a certain amount of that from people and tend to get read as several years younger than I am, both online and off. I am pretty open about the hardships I have faced, so I am always weirded out when people seem to think I am "naive" or something. My best guess is that I am not as untrusting or bitter or something as I "should" be so in spite of (other people) intellectually knowing I have seen ugly things, I just don't read emotionally as if I have had those kinds of negative experiences.

Perhaps it is something like that in your case as well -- that you don't come across as though you feel you are carrying the weight of the world and this gets interpretted as if you must not have any responsibilities or burdens. Or something like that.
posted by Michele in California at 8:42 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

What are your manners like? Do you belch or make crude jokes? Eat anything besides junk food? Go see movies or read books or listen to music that requires you to think in any way? Do you dress in clothes that fit you and look polished and professional? Do you have plans for your life and job beyond "enough money for my car, rent, and bar tab?"

You don't say how old you are; if you are just out of school you might not have or do some of these. There is also nothing wrong, per se, with acting young...it doesn't make you a bad person. But if you want to appear as a serious or more serious person, those are the things you might want to look at.
posted by emjaybee at 8:47 PM on April 5, 2013

There is also the possibility of the Little Lord Fauntleroy thing. A young man who tries to act grown up, but comes off sort of foppish. Maybe some momma's boy kinds of behaviors. (Never having had to do much to care for themselves, they don't know how to pick out clothing, change a trash can liner, work a washing machine, etc.)

I have a friend, who, if you knew him just from his youtube posts, you'd think had the mentality of an 8 year old. But that's how he relaxes and plays with the kids. He can turn it on and off depending on the setting. Someone who is "boyish" can't or won't.

Also, knock off the teasing. It's a crutch. That might be all it is that people are noticing.
posted by gjc at 9:27 PM on April 5, 2013

There's a certain kind of teasing, where any time you try to say something serious it gets diverted. That feels like the teaser is pushing away any honesty or any emotional intimacy with a bargepole. I would not be interested in dating or close friendship with such a person and in general find that mode of behavior -- if unalleviated by anything else -- pretty exhausting to be around.

However, if your friend says you're "like a little boy" and therefore she's comfortable talking to you, then, hm. That sounds more like you're open and pleasant but for whatever reason not someone she sees as a sexual prospect.
posted by shattersock at 9:33 PM on April 5, 2013

Some guys are just nice and sweet and "innocent" seeming, I guess. Like just friendly and earnest and nice. Sometimes these guys are secretly broiling with rage that you haven't invited them to sleep with you yet, but not always. My boyfriend is "boyish" and I like it quite a bit-- he's just sweet and sometimes a little inappropriate and vulnerable.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:36 PM on April 5, 2013

Personally I consider teasing and sarcastic comments to be immature behaviors. Maybe the people who said your behavior is "boyish" feel the same way.
posted by Dansaman at 9:50 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm struck by the word 'teasing' which is what little boys do to girls in playgrounds. And it probably [well, it does in my case at least] makes an adult woman feel like she's back inside the school gates, rather than an adult co-conspirator against the adult, outer world's great pranks of life. And it's hard to take seriously a man who's longing for the child's world of silly games against the other, even in jest.

Repartee, wit, wordplay etc directed outwardly at the world is a more adult pose than teasing the particularities of gals you know. It shows more sophistication, knowledge and adult engagement with the world. I don't mind humour, sarcasm, wordplay when it is directed in such a way. Maybe try to re-direct your humour and 'teasing' manner towards more worthy, adult subjects. Then you can keep some quality boyishness as you develop a more confident world view?
posted by honey-barbara at 10:03 PM on April 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

I guess "non-threatening" comes to mind, and maybe also lacking in substance?

Do you talk about serious, "adult" things like current events, ambitions, interpersonal relationships?

If your conversations are the type any middle schooler could have, I suppose it could be like a broad sitcom that's safe and comforting, but not challenging or stimulating.

I know a guy at work who makes jokes constantly, but that in itself wouldn't make me consider him boyish or immature.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 10:08 PM on April 5, 2013

Do you touch people too much and look at their chests a little too long? Do you change topics too much? Do you always have a silly story or joke? Do you dress like a kid? Do you have a kid's haircut (like the classic bowl look)? Those are the boyish things I can think that aren't obvious.
posted by meepmeow at 11:20 PM on April 5, 2013

To approach this from the opposite direction I liked this thread that was basically "how do I present myself as a grownup?"
posted by deanc at 11:20 PM on April 5, 2013

I am picturing a playful pup. Possibilities (take none of these to heart, they're guesses, I'm sure you're lovely):

- You don't project sexual 'threat'
- You engage in behaviours that signal a desire to appear non-threatening (laughing a lot?); could be an indication of being eager to please, which is associated with younger or junior people
- You seek attention or approval more than others (do others take up as much time talking as you do? Do you interrupt people?)
- 2nd that maybe you don't register when people are tired of being teased. One sign of this is people moving from a posture that's open and erect to a kind of sinking shrug (they just give up) and maybe, if they really are past their limits, the slightest rolling of eyes.
posted by nelljie at 11:25 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Why are you asking us? Since you mention numerous people have said it, go ahead and ask one of them. If you don't want to wait for it to happen again go ahead and ask the lady you mention. Yeah you might come off as a little insecure, but it seems like this is a big enough deal to you that it might be worth it.

Most people seem to be latching on to the "teasing" thing. I've always found occasional and lighthearted/humorous teasing to be a successful flirting technique, but it usually has to be over something unique that you know about that person. A sort of inside joke more than anything else (and I guess that intimacy factor is what makes it work). I'd imagine that if you were doing it too often, about the wrong stuff, and/or without being funny enough you would be perceived as more annoying than boyish, so I'm not convinced that it's necessarily the "teasing" that you mentioned and not more of an inability to be serious or perhaps just some manner of simplistic exuberance you're giving off.

As you can see I'm just guessing here. Your best bet is still asking the people who are saying this to you.
posted by Defenestrator at 11:27 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

I don't know if directly asking someone would work. That particular coworker might be too polite to give the full picture, assuming there's a negative aspect from her perspective.

... And hers may not be the same one as everyone else. And I don't think asking everyone why they thought he was boyish would help his cause.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 12:12 AM on April 6, 2013

My concept of boyish would be more positive, and also associated to appearance. If someone seems either innocent, enthusiastic, shy, smiles a lot, and on top of that looks young (big eyes, smaller frame, smooth skin etc.) then I might recognize that as someone being boyish, but it's really not the equivalent of immature, which seems to be what others are hinting. The fact that people have told you on occasion that you're boyish would imply that they don't mean it in a bad way.
posted by snufkin5 at 3:13 AM on April 6, 2013

As long as it hasn't hurt your dating prospects, just take it as a compliment.

When people call an adult childish (or boyish), they mean one of two things - Totally irresponsible (which you've said doesn't apply); or that you still have that "spark" most people give up in their mid 20s for the stability of a cold, soulless life of mediocrity, doing all the things you "should" as an adult such as settling down and reproducing and slaving away for someone else for the next 40 years until your body wears out and you get to finally "sleep in" forever.

I'd take boyish over that. :)
posted by pla at 8:06 AM on April 6, 2013 [3 favorites]

When I think of "boyish" behavior that's not attractive, I think of guys on TV commercials or sitcoms. There's a kind of behavior that's popularly modeled as cute, or at least harmless, that is actually quite annoying in real life-- or at least a turn-off in a potential partner. Taking things literally, blurting out observations with no regard to how they will be received, going intensely after gratification in trivial things like flavors of ice cream. My partner and I have a male friend who is obsessed with Jack in the Box tacos and has to stop for them all the time when we're in an area that has Jack in the Box. The thing that tips it from funny into annoying is that he clearly thinks it's cute and endearing. I don't mind indulging him, but sometimes I wonder if he ever notices he's the only one in the group with a tic like that. Basically, if you think anything you do is cute, try stopping it.
posted by BibiRose at 11:09 AM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]