Friendship non-romance dating question

April 3, 2013 6:13 AM

I met this guy who approached me on an internet dating site (I am guy as well). I didn't find him physically attractive, but he seemed nice, we had a lot in common, and go to the same college, so I met up (I told him I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time and just wanted to be friend). We met twice, and had a good time (as friends). He was cool, although we really didn't click like soul mates. I'm pretty sure he's interested in something more, but I'm definitely not. He wants to get together again, but I'm really conflicted about what to do.

On the one hand, I do like him as a friend. But at the same time, I just can't help feeling like I'm leading him on. I am pretty sure he at least hopes that I will fall for him (like he hasn't come onto me yet, but he texts just that little bit too much and is always the one to initiate things).

I blew him off for our last meet up (as I was genuinely extremely busy that week), and I told him I'd arrange something for this week. Except now I'm finding I'm dreading getting in touch with him. I just don't want to get in this situation (which I've been in like a several times in the past) where some guy or girls falls for me and I can't like them back. I've had a really quite dramatic experience recently where a pretty good friend came onto me, I rejected, and he and both thought it'd be cool. However, he didn't really get over it, and it deteriorated to the point where we can no longer talk. I feel like I really ended up hurting his feelings, and possibly his belief in his own attractiveness (I tried to be extremely nice, but he was really sensitive). I really don't want to do that again. Internet guy is also really shy and sensitive, so it seems like it could be another disaster in the making.

So, I'm not sure what to do. Should I get over my own fears about people falling for me and be friends. Or should I save us both the trouble and heartbreak and not call back? I feel like it's a bit of a crap thing to not call back, but I'm thinking it may be the easier route for all concerned.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Or should I save us both the trouble and heartbreak and not call back? I feel like it's a bit of a crap thing to not call back, but I'm thinking it may be the easier route for all concerned.

In a perfect world, there would be a different answer for this, but we live in this world, so the answer is: Yeah, just fade. Don't call him, don't call him back. He'll get the message. It may seem shitty, but there is just very little to be gained in telling him that you don't want to date and you're pretty sure he does. Sure, it could possibly go well, but it almost certainly won't.

Internet guy is also really shy and sensitive

Maybe someday Internet Guy will learn to abandon the bullshit Nice Guy thing he's doing now, but it is not your job to teach him.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:17 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Let him down gently by letting him go early.
posted by xingcat at 6:26 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't like the fade technique. I think it's disrespectful and confusing. It's better to just come out and say let's hang out as friends and let him decide how he wants to proceed. It sounds like you may be a little gun-shy because of your last experience with your other friend, but really, if someone's belief in their own attractiveness can be destroyed by your kindly and honest rejection, that really isn't your problem, it's theirs.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 6:26 AM on April 3, 2013 [10 favorites]

Implicit with being on a dating website is the idea that everyone is there for dating.

Buddy is there for dating. That's the default. If you want to switch that over to friendship, you will have to be explicit about that. Otherwise, he'll be going on dates with you, and you'll be hanging out with your friend buddy, and that's a mess.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:30 AM on April 3, 2013 [7 favorites]

I don't like the fade technique. I think it's disrespectful and confusing. It's better to just come out and say let's hang out as friends and let him decide how he wants to proceed.

I agree with this...if they were dating. But they're not really. I think it's generally okay with people who you know but aren't really friends yet to just fade. If he presses the issue, then you have to be blunt.

And stop going to dating websites and meeting people "just as friends".
posted by inturnaround at 6:39 AM on April 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

If you genuinely want to be his friend, what are you doing to uphold your side of the friendship? It sounds like he's inviting you to all the fun activities, and you passively sit back and let him do all the heavy lifting. That's not friendship; it's courtship. It is not at all surprising that he's getting his boundaries blurred. After all, your comment that you "weren't really looking for a relationship at the time" was a lie, wasn't it? You are looking for a relationship (maybe not a long-term relationship, but certainly a relationship of one kind or another): that's why you're meeting guys on a dating website. This guy may be a total idiot for believing the lie, but that doesn't really justify fibbing to him.

What you need to do is clarify that you are not in any way attracted to him and that the weak "not now" you gave him is in fact a strong "not ever." Then, if you genuinely want to be friends, you need to start actively contributing to his quality of life as normal friends do. You may think you're being considerate by avoiding telling him that he's not attractive, but in fact you're doing him a disservice by making him waste his time courting you.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 6:47 AM on April 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

What Capt. Renault said.

So this just happened to me: I 'met' a man on a dating website, he asked me out, we went out a bunch of times, it was awesome (he initiated a lot of it, so I don't think he was dreading it like you seem to be, but bear with me here). Unfortunately, he did not gather the nerve to tell me that we would never be anything other than friends until after we had gone on all these dates and had a great time and I had asked if I could kiss him... at which point he confessed that he had basically been having me hang around all that time to see if he could ever force himself to find me attractive. (Alas, alack: He could not.) You don't really need to do that sort of thing to people, ever. Tear the band-aid off. It's OK!

Tell him that you are only interested in friendship ASAP and that if he is not similarly inclined, it has been nice meeting him but now you must bid him adieu. It will not be a disaster, I promise. You barely know this person; you don't owe each other anything except respect and (hopefully) a modicum of kindness.
If the man I was 'dating' would have said "hey, let's just be friends" after one 'date' rather than six, I definitely would have wanted to be friends with him. As you are attempting to do, he wished nothing more than to avoid the general discomfort inherent in rejecting someone as a prospective romantic partner -- which is fairly tame, as adult emotional discomfort goes. If he could've been honest from the get-go, we never would have needed to have that talk, and I would probably still think he was awesome instead of thinking that he's kind of a tool. Don't be that guy!

My advice: Have a rather uncomfortable conversation now to avoid a REALLY uncomfortable conversation later, try hard not to just leave perfectly pleasant people hanging, and don't use dating websites to find new friends. Just give the guy a quick call and say, "I'm afraid this isn't going to work out" or "I'm not feeling the romantic vibe, but I'd love it if we could be friends" and if he frets or rends his garments, let the whole thing go altogether. Life is too short. Good luck!
posted by divined by radio at 6:56 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Tell him he's a good person but you don't feel the chemistry you'd need for a relationship. Wish him luck with others, and say as little more as possible. Short, definitive "not me, move along" is the nicest thing you can say or do here.
posted by ead at 7:06 AM on April 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

I am pretty sure he at least hopes that I will fall for him (like he hasn't come onto me yet, but he texts just that little bit too much and is always the one to initiate things).

...now I'm finding I'm dreading getting in touch with him.

Listen to your gut.

However you do it, let him down easy and move on.
posted by bunderful at 7:30 AM on April 3, 2013

It may seem shitty, but there is just very little to be gained in telling him that you don't want to date and you're pretty sure he does. Sure, it could possibly go well, but it almost certainly won't.

This.

For all the people telling the OP to say he just wants to be friends: HE ALREADY DID THAT. That's how he got himself into this room with this elephant.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:05 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

Based simply on the wording, I've considered it less unlikely that OP has said very clearly that he just wanted to be friends, and more likely that he sort of edged around the topic uncomfortably (understandably so, because it's an uncomfortable topic) and then hoped the other guy would pick up on the rest of the breadcrumb trail that leads to "just friends."

Unfortunately, if you've agreed to go out with someone you met on a dating website (more than once, too), and you've only said you "[aren't] really looking for a relationship at the time," the other party can still perceive a lot of ambiguity. Especially if the other person is looking for some wiggle room, there's a fair amount of leeway to be found in "not really looking" (= "still kinda looking, though") and "at the time" (= "maybe later, though"). By that point, the "just friends" stuff can be lost in the static -- particularly because you met through a dating website, which means (in theory) that you are looking for dates.

This is the time to be unequivocal and blunt. You're "dreading" getting back to him! Be firm, be kind, do not delay. Dialing his number, ring, ring, "Hello?" "Hey there Internet Guy, it's OP. I'm just calling because as sorry as I am to say it, I won't be able to get together with you anymore, even as friends. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors. Take care!" Click. Done.
posted by divined by radio at 9:31 AM on April 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

If you explain to him that you feel uncomfortable because you feel he wants more, he will tell you it's totally fine and he doesn't want anything either, he just wants to hang out as friends.
Then you will be in the same place as you are now, only deeper in.

I agree with slow fade.
posted by Locochona at 9:36 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I disagree with fading away.

I disagree with turning this into a potentially really hurtful rejection as well.

Just talk with him and tell him how glad you are to have made a friend through the dating site, especially since you were worried you'd only be able to find people interested in dating (or sex). If he's still interested in those things, that's the point when he tells you and you can gently say no. If he's not, he'll agree that it's great you both made a friend.
posted by yellowcandy at 11:00 AM on April 3, 2013

If you want to bring things up in a somewhat less awkward way, you could ask him if he's met any other people as "just friends" on a dating site before and talk about how that went. That conversation would likely give you an opportunity (or you can create an opportunity there) to reiterate that you only want to be friends with him. Don't take the "I don't want a relationship right now" route if you're not attracted to him; it's not actually about timing in this case, and also that gives him room to engage in mental gymnastics to convince himself that there's still a change you'll date him in the future.

Also, I think it matters that you are both guys. Unless you live in a really big city with a huge queer population--and honestly, even if you do--you're likely to run into each other again or find yourselves at a party together, so it's better to be on good terms.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:01 PM on April 3, 2013

I'm not a big fan of the fade away. If you want to be friends with someone be friends with them. What's the big deal? Life is not a soap opera. Bluntly put...

"I'm not attracted to you and *that's never going to change*. I am interested in being friends and friends only. If you are interested in being friends with me, that's great. If you don't think we can be 'just friends' then we can no longer spend time together"

If he handles that with aplomb then you made a new friend. Keep in mind only truly do this if you actually want to be friends. Don't do this if you just want to be not-a-bad-person-for-just-wanting-to-be-friends.
posted by dgeiser13 at 12:54 PM on April 3, 2013

If you met him on a dating site, he is not looking for platonic friendship with you. I'd break it off and not try to "be friends." You know that's not what he wants, you've been in this situation before and it never ends any way but ugly.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:39 PM on April 3, 2013

1. I met this guy who approached me on an internet dating site

2. I didn't find him physically attractive

3. We met twice

4. I just don't want to get in this situation (which I've been in like a several times in the past) where some guy or girls falls for me and I can't like them back

If you don't want #4 to happen, then you really, really need to not do #s 1 through 3 again, dude.

As far as what to do now I can only Nth what Capt. Renault and Divined by Radio said.
posted by Broseph at 1:50 PM on April 3, 2013

Going to totally disagree with the people here saying that just fading is the wrong thing to do. Either do that, or cut off contact with a concise message.

I strongly get the feeling that this will turn in to a "friend zone" situation if you don't, where he'll be happy to be just friends with you in the hopes that it will later, you know, turn in to something more.

I honestly have some sympathy for him too, since you met through a dating website. The guy basically assumes you're being coy, and is totally willing to play the game for the thrill of the chase and what not.

So yea, you need to cut him loose.
posted by emptythought at 4:28 PM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I honestly have some sympathy for him too, since you met through a dating website. The guy basically assumes you're being coy, and is totally willing to play the game for the thrill of the chase and what not.

Bingo. This is where language (or at least its semantico-referential function) fails.

Nthing Broseph:
If you don't want #4 to happen, then you really, really need to not do #s 1 through 3 again, dude.
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:57 PM on April 3, 2013

Should I get over my own fears about people falling for me and be friends.

How hard is it to meet cool gay guys who go to your college with whom you have a lot in common, and to meet them in ways other than a dating website?

If the answer is "easy" or "moderately challenging", then I would ditch this one, as per emptythought.
posted by feral_goldfish at 5:05 PM on April 3, 2013

I do like him as a friend
But, do you really? It's clear to me that you have no romantic feelings for him, but less clear is whether you want to continue getting to know him as friends.
posted by sm1tten at 5:25 PM on April 3, 2013