Suggesting a private meeting with a coworker instead of asking her out?
April 1, 2013 1:31 AM Subscribe
(Not overly timid, just tactful.)
I -male, 30-would like to get to know better a coworker -female mid 30s- I find both good-hearted and attractive. We´ve chatted briefly a couple of times (our shifts at work overlap twice a week, late in the evening) and I've felt what might conceivably be chemistry and shared values/interests. I've also noticed she's gentle with basically everybody, and I would naturally prefer to avoid awkwardness should I have been mistaking workplace congeniality for potential romantic interest.
Contextual limitations: There are no coffee or lunch breaks during the times we are both at the workplace. Based on some of her responses, she checks her mail around once a week at most. Dinner after work at a nearby place would be technically possible, but probably too forward a proposal for a first date. I´m interested in finding out whether she would be up for a one-on-one encounter, but I want to be specially tactful given the fact that 1) we´ll be seeing each other after the invitation/date. 2) there are normally colleagues overhearing us (just concerned about face-saving, dating is not against the rules here).
How would you approach this situation?
Although we work at the same building, we have rather unrelated positions and only ocassionally need to interact for professional reasons. Still, we are almost bound to bump into each other as the place is not big. That´s how our conversations (not directly related to work matters) have usually occurred.
By the way, some time ago I met another (younger) female colleague who seemed interested in me. She invited me (twice on the course of a few months) to drop by her house (she lives with her family) any afternoon (no specific date) to have tea. I was not interested and consequently refrained from texting her to set up a visit as suggested. I feel hers was a good move: she expressed interest, yet did not create an "accept me or reject me" situation and left open an easy way out, which I took. We still see each other at work regularly and there is no awkwardness.
Do you think there is a somehow equivalent way for me to clearly suggest a meeting with this other colleague I like, and not put her (and me) into an uncomfortable situation should she not reciprocate my feelings?
(We know we both live alone, so a daytime drink at her or my place would be interpreted as more intimate than in my other coworker´s case)
P.S.:Next month I am travelling to a conference in what might be called from our point of view an exotic destination. She asked me several things about the journey (she's apparently curious about some cultural aspects of foreign countries) and I offered to bring her a typical beverage from this place, which she said she would love to try. Maybe an invitation to share some of this on my return (almost two months from now)?
Although we work at the same building, we have rather unrelated positions and only ocassionally need to interact for professional reasons. Still, we are almost bound to bump into each other as the place is not big. That´s how our conversations (not directly related to work matters) have usually occurred.
By the way, some time ago I met another (younger) female colleague who seemed interested in me. She invited me (twice on the course of a few months) to drop by her house (she lives with her family) any afternoon (no specific date) to have tea. I was not interested and consequently refrained from texting her to set up a visit as suggested. I feel hers was a good move: she expressed interest, yet did not create an "accept me or reject me" situation and left open an easy way out, which I took. We still see each other at work regularly and there is no awkwardness.
Do you think there is a somehow equivalent way for me to clearly suggest a meeting with this other colleague I like, and not put her (and me) into an uncomfortable situation should she not reciprocate my feelings?
(We know we both live alone, so a daytime drink at her or my place would be interpreted as more intimate than in my other coworker´s case)
P.S.:Next month I am travelling to a conference in what might be called from our point of view an exotic destination. She asked me several things about the journey (she's apparently curious about some cultural aspects of foreign countries) and I offered to bring her a typical beverage from this place, which she said she would love to try. Maybe an invitation to share some of this on my return (almost two months from now)?
Indicate you'd like to go for a coffee some time. No specific date or time suggestion so she doesn't feel like she has to decide anything on the spot. She has the option to take or leave that general comment. And with a general remark like that I'm not sure it would matter if your co-workers overhear. If it matters to you then yes, email her. Again, she can take or leave that email and it need never be mentioned. Either way, no awkwardness.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:53 AM on April 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:53 AM on April 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah, absolutely do not ask her for a private meeting when you mean date.
Being tricked (or feeling like you've been tricked) into going on a date is absolutely awful, even when you generally like the person who did the tricking. Being a little ambiguous is fine: "I'm getting back from my trip on tuesday- if you'd like, we can meet up after work on wed for a drink and you can sample this crazy thing I'm bringing back for you."
Do NOT say "We need some time to go over project x, want to do a working dinner at Le French Restaurant?"... and then treat it like a date.
I'm not sure why you can't ask her in a very friendly way to join you for an after work drink. Think of it as a very very small step above chatting at work. Don't even think of it as a date or a request for a date. You can ask her on a real date when she meets you for a drink and it's not in front of everyone. Tell her you are going to be at such and such a place after work, and ask her if she has any plans because it would be fun to chat outside of work. If you don't say "date" or "can I take you out to dinner sometime" it is still completely innocent enough to say in front of other office workers.
posted by Blisterlips at 3:22 AM on April 1, 2013 [25 favorites]
Being tricked (or feeling like you've been tricked) into going on a date is absolutely awful, even when you generally like the person who did the tricking. Being a little ambiguous is fine: "I'm getting back from my trip on tuesday- if you'd like, we can meet up after work on wed for a drink and you can sample this crazy thing I'm bringing back for you."
Do NOT say "We need some time to go over project x, want to do a working dinner at Le French Restaurant?"... and then treat it like a date.
I'm not sure why you can't ask her in a very friendly way to join you for an after work drink. Think of it as a very very small step above chatting at work. Don't even think of it as a date or a request for a date. You can ask her on a real date when she meets you for a drink and it's not in front of everyone. Tell her you are going to be at such and such a place after work, and ask her if she has any plans because it would be fun to chat outside of work. If you don't say "date" or "can I take you out to dinner sometime" it is still completely innocent enough to say in front of other office workers.
posted by Blisterlips at 3:22 AM on April 1, 2013 [25 favorites]
I offered to bring her a typical beverage from this place, which she said she would love to try. Maybe an invitation to share some of this on my return
No; you've already offered to bring her that without strings attached, so I wouldn't try to change that.
+1 'want to go get a drink/coffee'
posted by kmennie at 3:32 AM on April 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
No; you've already offered to bring her that without strings attached, so I wouldn't try to change that.
+1 'want to go get a drink/coffee'
posted by kmennie at 3:32 AM on April 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
"You seem cool. Want to get a cup of coffee sometime?"
posted by grabbingsand at 4:01 AM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by grabbingsand at 4:01 AM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's best to avoid any ambiguity at all over whether something is a date or just friends meeting up. Firstly it puts her in an awkward situation if she misunderstands. Second it can be seen as a sneaky, creepy trick to lure her into a date under false pretences. Third, women generally like confidence, and being too shy to ask for one is usually a turn-off.
Best to just ask explicitly about a date, but give a specific day so she can just say she is busy if she needs an excuse. Most women are very used to being asked out and won't be offended if you're polite about it.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 5:10 AM on April 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best to just ask explicitly about a date, but give a specific day so she can just say she is busy if she needs an excuse. Most women are very used to being asked out and won't be offended if you're polite about it.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 5:10 AM on April 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
Chiming in to support the idea of "let's get a drink tomorrow after work." You can do it after you've been talking about something, in a let's-continue-this-conversation kind of way that does not create awkwardness if it doesn't work out, but is clearly a social rather than work invitation.
posted by rpfields at 5:31 AM on April 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by rpfields at 5:31 AM on April 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Third, women generally like confidence, and being too shy to ask for one is usually a turn-off.
I'd be careful about speaking for (or about) women in general. We are not all cut from the same cloth. Many women think shyness is kind of cute.
Back to the subject, asking her to share the beverage after you return from vacation is a good concept, but it's two months away. Lots can happen in two months. Try to find a time to ask her to have coffee with you, either after work or on a day neither of you is working. You want to ask her out, so ask her!
posted by Dolley at 5:54 AM on April 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'd be careful about speaking for (or about) women in general. We are not all cut from the same cloth. Many women think shyness is kind of cute.
Back to the subject, asking her to share the beverage after you return from vacation is a good concept, but it's two months away. Lots can happen in two months. Try to find a time to ask her to have coffee with you, either after work or on a day neither of you is working. You want to ask her out, so ask her!
posted by Dolley at 5:54 AM on April 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: We still see each other at work regularly and there is no awkwardness.
On your part. You have no idea how she feels. She might have been a little embarassed to have put herself out there and been ignored. Who knows?
You have to make an unambiguous move if you want to make a move. There's no middle ground between work and not-work here. You have to tell her what you'd like and give her a chance to accept or reject it that isn't based in bullshit.
Stop treating this like a spy mission. The thing with asking someone out is that sometimes it doesn't work. You have to live with the awkwardness for a little bit. But you get over that. People will forget. You move on, they move on. But nothing ventured, nothing gained.
posted by inturnaround at 6:17 AM on April 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
On your part. You have no idea how she feels. She might have been a little embarassed to have put herself out there and been ignored. Who knows?
You have to make an unambiguous move if you want to make a move. There's no middle ground between work and not-work here. You have to tell her what you'd like and give her a chance to accept or reject it that isn't based in bullshit.
Stop treating this like a spy mission. The thing with asking someone out is that sometimes it doesn't work. You have to live with the awkwardness for a little bit. But you get over that. People will forget. You move on, they move on. But nothing ventured, nothing gained.
posted by inturnaround at 6:17 AM on April 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
I have been on both asking and answering ends of this. Never in a private meeting. Just ask her for coffee.
posted by RainyJay at 7:59 AM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by RainyJay at 7:59 AM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Drinks after work at a nearby cafe or bar, but definitely not at your house. This is the sort of thing that coworkers who are not romantically involved but are interested in each other socially would do, so it won't seem too intimate.
Scheduling a private meeting to ask her out is a bad idea, but stopping by her office would probably be OK.
To closely duplicate the "stop by my house for tea some time" invitation you could say "I'm going to that coffeeshop down the street after work. They have great smoothies. If you want to stop by to chat for a while, that would be great."
posted by steinwald at 8:31 AM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Scheduling a private meeting to ask her out is a bad idea, but stopping by her office would probably be OK.
To closely duplicate the "stop by my house for tea some time" invitation you could say "I'm going to that coffeeshop down the street after work. They have great smoothies. If you want to stop by to chat for a while, that would be great."
posted by steinwald at 8:31 AM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think you need to actually come out and say that you'd like to date her. It doesn't have to be a declaration, but at least let her know that you like her that way.
Grabbingsand has it, "You seem cool, I'd love to hang out sometime, want to get a coffee?" Puts the ball squarely in her court and is as unabiguous as it gets without getting weird.
At this point she'll either say, "Gosh, that sounds nice but my SO wouldn't like it" or she'll say, "I thought you'd never ask!"
Either way, roll with it and don't overthink it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:21 PM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Grabbingsand has it, "You seem cool, I'd love to hang out sometime, want to get a coffee?" Puts the ball squarely in her court and is as unabiguous as it gets without getting weird.
At this point she'll either say, "Gosh, that sounds nice but my SO wouldn't like it" or she'll say, "I thought you'd never ask!"
Either way, roll with it and don't overthink it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:21 PM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
A little less scary than just up and asking her out on a capital-D date: "Remember that Quechua flute group we were talking about a couple weeks ago? I read that they're going to be at the free stage in Grant Park on Saturday midafternoon, and I think I'm going to go; any chance you'd like to meet up there?"
posted by lakeroon at 5:28 PM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lakeroon at 5:28 PM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Say you are going to a thing (a movie, an event, whatever, but it must be something cheap) and say, "Hey, you should come to this, it'll be fun!" If she demurs but does not propose another time / place to meet up, she is not interested in dating you.
That said:
Based on some of her responses, she checks her mail around once a week at most.
I'd be curious what leads you to say this, but at first blush it suggests to me that she's not interested in you in a dating sort of way.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:08 PM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
That said:
Based on some of her responses, she checks her mail around once a week at most.
I'd be curious what leads you to say this, but at first blush it suggests to me that she's not interested in you in a dating sort of way.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:08 PM on April 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
An after work drink, or seeing a movie together, are about the right level of intimacy for this situation, I think.
posted by lollusc at 1:37 AM on April 1, 2013 [3 favorites]