Fake it till you make it?
March 29, 2013 1:40 PM   Subscribe

How would a person who believed they were a sex god/goddess act?

I know my boyfriend finds me sexy but frankly, I don't see it and it's a problem because I'm constantly worried about my naked self (covering up, worried I'm jiggling in the wrong places, wanting to be in a certain advantageous position, etc.). I'd love to love me, right now, not 10 lbs lighter or after I've worked out steadily for three months. I want to believe or at least act as if I think I'm hot so I can really get my groove on and not act so damn timid. What do all you sex kittens (and cats and dogs) do/think to get out of your head, not worry about your perceived imperfections and just let loose? Really appreciate your insight!
posted by youdontmakefriendswithsalad to Human Relations (31 answers total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

What do all you sex kittens (and cats and dogs) do/think to get out of your head, not worry about your perceived imperfections and just let loose?

I drink a lot. Haha...no, but seriously... Have you ever tried role play? Pretending to be someone you're not can help you get out of your head.
posted by AlliKat75 at 1:52 PM on March 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

If it helps, by the time you have the opportunity to do things like covering up and angling yourself, the part where your perceived lack of attractiveness could get in the way of funtimes has come and gone. The imperfections you're talking about are like typos in the middle of a novel -- while they may distract the reader for a second, who the hell can remember if a book they enjoyed had any?
posted by griphus at 1:55 PM on March 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

Everyone has body image issues. If they say they don't they're lying!

I think this is a great question. I have been with my husband for nearly 3.5 years and I still get self conscious even though I am super comfortable with him. Through my adolescent years to now I have really struggled with certain parts of my body after being bullied. So I understand where you are coming from. Also know that your boyfriend thinks of you as the most beautiful thing. Talking with my husbad also helped me hear how he felt about me and boosted my confidence.

Are you into lingerie?

That can keep you "covered" up and corsets can help with any uncomfortable "jiggling" as you put it. It also helps with feeling sexy. Amazon is a great source for reasonably priced lingerie and you don't have to go out shopping for it if you don't want to. I think a quarter of my closet is lingerie. Then you can also pick lingerie that shows your best assets and you can pick and choose how covered you want to be.

Try music!

Make a sexy song mix. That way you can really groove with the feel of the music and the mood and not be in your head so much.

Mild Role Play

When people bring up role-play I always think of that really intense, weird, costume involved role play. You can pick a more mild version. Pretend you met this guy at the club and you think he's hot, start dancing to your new sexy music mix. That may also get you in a mindset more about feeling sexy than worrying about how you look. Similar to role play you can also see if talking during sexy time will help. Ask him to call you "hot" or "beautiful" as foreplay.

Get away from the "Barbie" standard of beauty.

There are also a lot of great sources of real women, just being real that can get you more comfrotable with your body. (See the Nu Project - NUDITY WARNING) Seeing other real women helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin and made me say to myself "If all these people can be sexy and confident, so can I!"

Hope that helps! I am also available for mefi-mail if you want more help or specifics. :)
posted by Crystalinne at 1:56 PM on March 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

I guess for me it's about completely throwing the whole self-evaluation thing out the window. It's not about convincing myself that I look hot naked, because I'm not focusing on myself and my opinion of what I look like at all. For me it makes sense to focus on the other person and what they like and want. So if they like seeing me in a certain way or like certain things then I do those things and it works out, and I don't worry about whether I would like seeing myself or whatever because that is irrelevant. If their feedback is "Yes that's sexy!" then I'm not going to second-guess whether or not I would think it's sexy if I were them. It's like if I'm cooking someone their favorite meal even though it's not a favorite of mine, I judge my performance based on how much they enjoy it rather than how I would evaluate it myself.
posted by burnmp3s at 2:10 PM on March 29, 2013 [15 favorites]

I'm a photographer who used to hate having his picture taken. I couldn't stand how I looked in photos 99% of the time. I still don't love it, but I have grown to appreciate that others' opinions of those photos are real and matter. And in fact by seeing my photos only through my own, critical eyes I was denying myself the positive affirmation that my friends were providing.

In some ways second-guessing your lover's opinion of you is a denial of their reality (though no judgement there —it's totally normal and natural to worry!).

I know my boyfriend finds me sexy

Focus on this. Look for it in his eyes when he looks at you.
posted by wemayfreeze at 2:17 PM on March 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

If you have your own room or apartment, spend time naked or with minimal clothes when you're alone. Sleeping or just chilling watching tv, whatever. (but not cooking, that doesn't end well) I started doing that a few months after I had my own room for the first time in my life. It was really weird to sleep naked or to only have on underwear for a while but I ended up being really comfortable with my body so that when I had sex with someone, I was much less nervous.

That combined with a growing realization in all parts of my life that most people were paying far less attention to my appearance than I was.

One other suggestion...Try to pick something simple that you want to try or do the next time you have sex ahead of time. That way you don't have to decide in the moment what sexy new thing you're going to try, even if its just something really small.
posted by raeka at 2:18 PM on March 29, 2013

Walk tall and proud! Smile!
posted by mareli at 2:27 PM on March 29, 2013

but not cooking, that doesn't end well

posted by curious nu at 2:47 PM on March 29, 2013

Do you find your boyfriend sexy? Is he perfect? (Really?) Or are the things that he hates (or even just doesn't love) about his body things that don't even make it onto your radar? Do you even maybe like something about him that he totally doesn't comprehend?

We all have things we don't like about our bodies, so, honestly, what might work best is to focus on his body. Making him feel good will make you feel good and when you feel good, you'll feel sexier. And he's almost assuredly going to do the same thing, so it's all equitable and lovely.

And yeah, what wemayfreeze said. Look in his eyes.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 2:51 PM on March 29, 2013

First of all, I'm fat. Not plump, but fat. I'm so totally good with it though.

I have some really nice lingerie, and Husbunny enjoys seeing me in it.

Take some classes that have women with different body types, belly dancing, Bollywood Dancing, etc. You'll see that folks really get into the groove and don't worry so much about the bod.

Take a stiptease class, that'll make you feel like a million.

I advocate a theme song, something that thumps through your head and makes you strut.

Milkshake by Kelis is a good one.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:33 PM on March 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

A good way to get comfortable with bodies is to go to a nude beach this summer, if you can. You don't have to get naked--just hang out. It helps you realize that everyone's bodies fucking jiggle and look weird. Funny thing, too--there's not that much difference between bodies at all when you see lots and lots of them. Everyone has jiggly bits, men, women, skinnies and chubsters alike. People have weird moles and hair in odd places and are just sort of lumpy. That's okay--it's what bodies look like! So why beat yourself up over yours?

Then go back home and fake it till you make it.

Stop whining about your body and stop covering up. Be naked as much as possible. Laugh in bed all the god damned time. Focus on sensations. Sex isn't about looking, it's about feeling, anyway.

Lingerie, role playing, these have never worked for me--they place the focus on sex as a performative act and make me feel more image conscious. Instead, what's worked has been a focus on feeling good, an understanding that my body is within the realm of normal, and just ignoring those insecure feelings when they come up. They do, of course. But no reason to waste any time or energy on them when there's sex to be had.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:36 PM on March 29, 2013 [8 favorites]

Whenever the outer clothes come off careful dressing to hide the imperfections does wonders for my self confidence. A corset to hide the jiggly bits and keep them firmly contained or a baby doll to add a fine layer of gauzy fabric over the whole display, a garter skirt to hide your thighs a silky robe. You don't have to be completely naked to be sexy. Your boyfriend will love it and you will feel self confident because whatever bit you are worried about is covered in something sexy. That will help you fake it until you make it. I actually had my husband gasp and stagger to sit down the first time I surprised him in a corset, then he muttered something incoherent and pulled me in for a huge passionate kiss. About then the last of my doubts about how he saw me vanished.

Then when you are feeling confident watch his reactions, maybe make things into a playful sort of game, slowly slide down the shoulder strap of your bra and tease your bf a little. give him a peek of nipple or maybe not. Watch his face. Grin to yourself as you see him drooling, tease him a little more. Watching his reactions to you will really build your confidence. See yourself as your partner sees you, not through your own eyes. Concentrate on his reactions to your body.
posted by wwax at 3:54 PM on March 29, 2013

Ok, so this is sort of like a recent question about intelligence...Except that "sex goddess" is even more subjective. I'm not every guy's cup of tea. But I think I am super awesome in the sack. I know what I enjoy, I'm willing to entertain some things I haven't thought of, willing to expand my "repertoire" upon request. I am firm in my list of things that I will not do because I don't enjoy them, and I don't get wishy washy about that shit.

But the ones who enjoy sexing me up (and me sexing them up) really enjoy it.

So a few things.

First, the guys who will enjoy sexing you up will really enjoy it. I know that sounds trite. But I swear it's not. As was mentioned above, it's not the jiggles that make sex unenjoyable for (healthy, non douche bag) guys. For them it might be timing, dirty talk, what sex things you're into (kink, no kink, positions, locations, what gets you turned on....). Some guys will be like "meh" and other guys will be like "maybe we won't have sex again," other guys will be like "you are an awesome person and super fun to fuck!" There will be different reactions. And you will be ok no matter how your sex partner vocalizes his appreciation. I promise. I also give you permission to tell the jerks to go fuck themselves.

1A. Speaking of masturbating, I masturbate. I know what makes me orgasm. I change positions, I have a few toys. I invite the men I have sex with to touch themselves in front of me. I pay attention to what they focus on. Because different guys prefer different kinds of touch. Some guys really just want you to play with their balls. Maybe he plays with his nipples or focuses on...you get the idea. Penises are interesting, and I like to see them in action. I consider this a part of foreplay.

Second. Jiggling is what bodies are supposed to do during sex. It's a jiggly activity. If a partner isn't making any of my parts jiggle (and I'm not talking about my boobs here. I'm talking about my ass or my thighs or that part of my belly where some people expect to find a 6 pack) then that person is not fucking me. Which is fine, because maybe I'm fucking him. Or maybe we're making love. But sex often involves jiggling. I wear a size 0 and I have parts that jiggle. Jiggling is normal. I know it's been said above, but it bears repeating.

Third. How comfortable are you with the dirty talk/bedroom noise? Do not, for your own sanity, attempt to broaden this horizon vastly overnight. Add some words here and there. Directions. Exclamations that you like this, short descriptions of what the other person is doing. Moan a little if that comes naturally to you. You are not at the opera. You are fucking. But bear in mind, you might not want to sound like a porn star (to hell with it, I'll admit that I do sort of sound porny during sexy time. Some guys really don't enjoy that. We don't usually have sex again if they ask me to quiet down unless they have paper thin apartment walls...even then, I already was being quiet(er) because of that...)

Fourth. Regarding covering up. In general, I try to avoid wearing clothing if I can. Not that I go to the nude beach more than once a year. But at home, I lounge in panties as much as possible. Maybe panties and a tank top. I'm not keeping the windows open and the shades up. I don't answer the door without throwing on some pants. This means that if I'm dating someone seriously, they see a lot of my skin. If they're uncomfortable with that, then they can take a hike. This is weird for me as a person who hates to be cold. But whatever. In the summer especially, I like to be naked, and I do feel like it puts me in better touch with my body. The reality of my body. Or something.

Fifth, and this is very very personal. I stopped dealing with the body hair. I mean, I'll shave my pits if there's, like, a wedding that I'm invited to be a bridesmaid in. A few times a year I shave because I feel like it. But otherwise, this is my body. Enjoy it or leave it. Guys who suggest (or worse) insist that women need to "groom" are either immature or jerks. I'm not putting up with jerks, and I'm not interested in training the immature. The guys that I do sleep with tend to report that the confidence suggested by hairy pits and a real bush is a major turn on. Some even say that totally bare pussies are weird. Or, they just don't mention it. And neither do I. No apologizing up front. No asking how they feel about it. I don't ask if my brown eyes are what they're used to. I don't talk about the size of my feet. Bringing up the body hair would suggest that it's not a forgone conclusion. It would suggest that I might shave it for them. And I'd hate to give that impression. Because this is my body and they are a guest. Because while I want guests to be comfortable, I also don't invite guests over who would tell me that I need to replace the couch because mine is the wrong fabric. (terrible analogy, sorry)

Sixth, and this is even more personal. I don't wear fancy lingerie. It tends to be expensive, some of it is itchy, not too many cute bras in my weird size, and it's not very practical. By that, I mean...lacy stuff bras show under my shirts. I'm not really into costume change before sexy time...I tend to be more like "hey, I just woke up and I'm horny...are you horny?" or "We just got home from watching a super sexy movie, wanna fuck?" Or "We're sitting here on the couch, making out. The clothes are about to come off!" This is perhaps a personal timing problem for me, in addition to a budget type thing. Also, guys like different stuff. So I go with a utilitarian beige bra and panties that are comfortable with some sort of print on them. Nothing Flashy. And that totally works for me. Fancy Lingerie makes me feel awkward, so don't feel bad if it doesn't work for you either.

Something I don't do:
I am a woman and I do not have sex with men who objectify/denigrate/criticize/belittle/are assholes to women. This is the keystone that supports the arch of everything above. And it is difficult. Because there are a lot of men who do this. But. If you listen, you can weed them out before you get them into bed.
posted by tulip-socks at 4:09 PM on March 29, 2013 [34 favorites]

Blindfolds do an amazing job of moving the focus from how things look to how things feel and can really help with the self-conscious thing.
posted by Space Kitty at 4:30 PM on March 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I had an illuminating chat with a close guy friend (we're both cis and hetero) and he recounted that his very hottest sexual experiences weren't with the conventionally hot women he dated ("perfect" bodies, you know the drill), but with a woman who was older than him and who was much heavier than average. He had the best and hottest sex with her because she was so comfortable and confident in bed. She didn't hide under sheets and didn't feel inhibited. She was a clear and explicit communicator in bed and projected sexy. He found that to be irresistible and a super turn-on. Even years later, when recounting his experiences with her to me, his face glazed over with memory bliss.

Hearing that story changed how I saw myself in bed. I do get self-conscious, but I do my best to power-through that even if I have to fake the confidence a bit from time to time. I remind myself that enjoying sex with abandon is way sexier than some well-orchestrated fan-dance that is preoccupied with hiding this roll or that sag. Every time I power-through my self-consciousness, I'm rewarded with a much more fulfilling experience and now I have to power-through less and less.

So, for me, I faked the self-confidence a bit until I could call it my own.
posted by quince at 4:38 PM on March 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

It really is about confidence. It is also about being mindful and staying in the moment. If there ever is a time to be anxious about one's body, it is NOT when seytimes are about to begin. You've moved past that- you have already attracted this person. They don't see, don't care, or are ignoring whatever thing it is you have a hangup about. The appropriate time to worry about body shape is at the gym, or when buying new clothes. Sexytime is about emotion and closeness and intimacy.
posted by gjc at 5:11 PM on March 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

How would a person who believed they were a sex god/goddess act?

Well, here's Maggie Estep.
posted by eviemath at 5:49 PM on March 29, 2013

I guess for me it's about completely throwing the whole self-evaluation thing out the window. It's not about convincing myself that I look hot naked, because I'm not focusing on myself and my opinion of what I look like at all.

Seconding this. I'm usually so jazzed that I'm about to have sex and that this totally awesome hot guy is actually going to let me see him naked, and he is about to let me touch those yummy pecs and nibble on that spot just behind his ear and wow I'm actually going to get to do things to his...um. Yeah. So what I mean is, I'm so excited about getting to see what he looks like, and so eager to do things to him, that I honestly don't even think to wonder what I look like at all.

Sexytime is about emotion and closeness and intimacy, but it's also about what you do, and about you uniquely. In fact, I actually like if there's some weird little quirk about them rather than if they were some picture-perfect hot specimen, because it is sort of a herald of their uniqueness ("...huh, your dick is two different colors. That's...actually kind of neat!") And I would wager that most people feel the same. You know?

You are the only you out there, and if a guy wants to have sex with you, he is going to appreciate all the little weird quirks that make you you, even the ones that you may not necessarily think people would like. I've had guys dig a scar I have, the fact that my boobs are on the small side, a dimple in my butt, and one guy was even all into my eyebrows once. All those little weird bits on you are what make you you. And all the weird little bits on a guy is what make them, them. And if you're too excited to discover or re-discover the bits on your partner, you're not worried about whether your own self looks weird.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:57 PM on March 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

I recommend repeat viewings of this music video. It's highly instructive in the delicate art of OWNING THAT THANG.
posted by nacho fries at 6:46 PM on March 29, 2013

[Caution: read whole thing]

You could do an exercise program, if you don't already. No, not until you're skinny, blah blah blah. That's not why. Do it because it has a mental effect right away. I'm not especially attractive, and sometimes I feel especially UNattractive. I find, though, that when I've been working out, and in particular for several hours after I do, i FEEL much more comfortable with my body. Even though nothing really has perceptably changed, my attitude sure has. I've even caught myself looking in the mirror at myself, which I NEVER...! When I skip exercising for a long time, I'm back to feeling plain and ugly again.
posted by ctmf at 8:50 PM on March 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

> I know my boyfriend finds me sexy but frankly, I don't see it and it's a problem because I'm constantly worried about my naked self (covering up, worried I'm jiggling in the wrong places, wanting to be in a certain advantageous position, etc.). I'd love to love me, right now, not 10 lbs lighter or after I've worked out steadily for three months. I want to believe or at least act as if I think I'm hot so I can really get my groove on and not act so damn timid. What do all you sex kittens (and cats and dogs) do/think to get out of your head, not worry about your perceived imperfections and just let loose? Really appreciate your insight!

Look, what advice would you give your partner if he came to you with this question about himself? Take this to a literal extreme for a minute. Imagine you're happily performing oral sex (or whatever) on your boyfriend and he stops mid-gasp to worry aloud about a little extra pudge around his tummy. Wouldn't you practically sprain your eye, rolling it?

If you can take the leap of faith and trust him enough to laugh together about the shared weirdo bodily-function intimacies of sex, then...whoa. Sex lacking a secret self-imposed fear of judgement is...whoa. It's scary, even in established relationships.
posted by desuetude at 11:16 PM on March 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

I couldn't find a way to talk about exercise without sounding like an asshole, so was glad ctmf expressed what I wanted to say (without sounding like an asshole). Another non-muscle-related added value is a supercharged libido, which is fantastic at distracting from wobbly anything.
posted by nelljie at 11:21 PM on March 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Touch yourself?

It is certainly distracting. Can be done independently, or during partner sex!
posted by batter_my_heart at 11:57 PM on March 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Dance around naked to some great music when you're alone!
posted by Omnomnom at 4:44 AM on March 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you're saying that your boyfriend finds you sexy as you are, it might be that your insecurity is one of the sexy things he loves about you.

What if that was the case, that your worries about your body being wrong somehow and you trying to cover up and being timid is not just adorable, but actually hot? If that was true, could you accept, and maybe even welcome your insecurities?
posted by jasper411 at 7:49 AM on March 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Pleasure yourself. It's amazing how sexual pleasure can make you forget that anything else in the universe even exists. You'll know what a sex goddess you are when you send yourself into ecstasy. The ability to feel this pleasure is not contingent on your appearance; once you experience it, you come to know your very essence as a sexual being.
posted by winterportage at 8:34 AM on March 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Nthing "give yourself tons of orgasms/pleasure" whether that's by touching yourself alone or with a partner, having tons of hot sex with someone who thinks you and the act are smokin' too, both, wear clothing that physically feels good to your skin or makes you feel hot no matter what, whatever. winterportage is right on about how if you explore enough where you've saturated yourself in the depths of how far your body can take you, all that other external validation lookism stuff falls away because it pales in comparison and feels "dead", relatively pointless. As part of this I agree with the comment upthread about only getting sexytimes on with partners who respect and admire you and find you genuinely hot (luckily it sounds like that's not a problem for you, yay). It makes a huge difference. After that, it doesn't matter if some fratty asshole on the bus says something shitty to you or whatever, because you know, deep in your bones on a primal level, that you're totally in tune with sex and having a ball and all that.

Also super agree with the notion upthread that one consciously seek out more realistic, varied examples of bodies (yes nude beaches and places with older active happy couples FTW) and avoid magazine and fashion-type commercialized depictions of bodies. Not just because you'll feel less shitty and toxic slimed, but your ability to really see the world and appreciate its beauty might expand and that is a wonderful sensation.
posted by ifjuly at 10:12 AM on March 30, 2013

I find it powerful to remind myself that life is short, so terribly short. When I'm on my deathbed, will I be glad of the time I spent beating up my body -- my healthy, plump body that has let me travel and screw and love my husband and cuddle my kids and feel a million different great things? Or will I wish I'd gotten over myself and enjoyed it much, more more?
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:14 AM on March 30, 2013 [2 favorites]

Everyone has body image issues. If they say they don't they're lying!

I disagree, and I think statements like this perpetuate a myth that allows self-criticism or self-hate to persist.

That said, body issues are very common and understandable, and so it's not at all weird or strange for the OP to feel this way.

I would suggest, though, a reframing of this. You don't have to solve your body hang-ups today, or even tomorrow. But you may want to consider that sex is really a tactile activity, rather than a visual activity - it is about feeling and connection, not looking a certain way.

Focus on how you can do things to make you feel good, or that will make your partner feel good. Even get a little selfish about it, and try to engage in activities specifically to maximize your pleasure. Or, approach this like (oh god, this may be a terrible analogy) exercise: you are working with, and doing things, to your body in order to attain some effect - in this case, to feel good.

Ugh, that analogy got kind of unerotic, perhaps, but it is really not about trying to be sexy, but about trying to experience sexy things. Take the visual part out of this equation, and engage it in other areas, outside of the bedroom.

Close your eyes for a movement and do whatever feels good. At some point, if things are going well, that is all you are going to be thinking about, anyway.
posted by vivid postcard at 10:44 AM on March 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Dude, the jiggle is sexy.
posted by windykites at 7:18 PM on March 30, 2013 [2 favorites]

Just fuckin go for it!
posted by Katine at 10:05 PM on March 30, 2013

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