Guys view on virginity
September 8, 2005 10:09 AM   Subscribe

Would it scare off a guy to know that I'm 21, have never had a relationship (short or long term) and am still a virgin?

I know it's unusual and weird.. trust me, I think about it everyday.
Without going on a *love myself* rampage, I am considered very attractive, funny and interesting. However, due to various circumstances (i.e. me being a little too keen and driving them away) I find that the guys I fall for either just want to sleep with me or aren't interested at all, so I've never had a relationship or more than a first date. I find it very easy to chat someone up and get past the first stage of, I don't know, kissing, swapping numbers, etc, but never further than that.
It seems that those I do tell I am a virgin get scared off... maybe they're just not prepared to deal with a commitment (because I want to be in a relationship with the first person I sleep with) or maybe they just don't want to waste their time knowing they won't get anywhere fast.

I don't really know what I'm asking.. I just want to know what guys think about this. Whether I'm really abnormal and they'd steer well clear, or whether most of them would think it was worth the wait?
posted by trampesque to Shopping (44 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

Response by poster: I have no idea why this was posted under 'shopping'... sorry about that.
posted by trampesque at 10:11 AM on September 8, 2005

Wouldn't scare me off.
posted by zztzed at 10:18 AM on September 8, 2005

I was a virgin until I was 20. It wasn't that I was "saving myself," it was that I never was in a real relationship and it bugged me that every guy who knew I was a virgin was dying to have sex with me, and not for ME, but so they could tell everyone they "popped a cherry." So I didn't sleep with people. There's LOTS of other fun stuff you can do when you're not have penetration sex, as I'm sure you're aware.

Don't feel weird. I wouldn't tell everyone about it, just do your thing. If a guy wants to have sex and you don't want to, you don't have to say "because I'm a virgin," just tell him no. If you want to wait, tell him no until you're ready or until you're close enough to tell him you're a virgin (I hate that word, don't you?) I thought about it all the time too. I'm short, blonde, cute, friendly...but no sex until I was 20. But I didn't want to just have sex with a guy who wanted to brag about it. And I wanted it to be good, and it takes a while in the beginning so a one-night-stand isn't a good thing for a first time. Find a guy willing to be with you a while so it gets non-painful for you.

I had sex when I met a guy and fell in love. It meant a lot to him that I hadn't slept with anyone and told himself that he wouldn't sleep with me until I told him I loved him (he was already in love with me and had told me he was.) He turned me down a bunch of times without telling me why. When I finally did tell him I loved him, it was over quickly. :) But it was totally worth it. And I married him, and I don't ever find myself wondering what it would be like with someone else. Never. (And we've been together 13 years.)

Don't feel bad. You're not weird, you're just you. Enjoy sexual things without the sex until you're comfortable and find a guy who wants you for you, not for bragging rights.
posted by aacheson at 10:19 AM on September 8, 2005 [1 favorite]

Not to snark TOO much, but why are you bringing up your sexual history on the first date? Maybe you're putting too much on the line, too soon. Don't expect too much from the first date. Be more interested in your dates as people as opposed to potential cherry-poppers.
posted by Blue Buddha at 10:19 AM on September 8, 2005

FWIW, when I was in your age bracket, it would not have scared me away, however, it might have a few of my friends. I think you may have hit the nail on the head with the committment issue, many guys in that age group aren't looking for that.

At your age, I had only had one significant relationship, and slept with only that partner. I was pretty inexperienced myself. The approach I took was continuing to grow myself, and living my life until the right person came along. The more successful you are in your eyes, the more attractive you will be, at least that's what I think/thought. So, be the best trampesque you can be, and live your life. Assuming you have no other frightening personality traits, I suspect things will fall into place (so to speak ;-))
posted by Richat at 10:21 AM on September 8, 2005

I personally wouldn't touch a virgin with another man's penis, boring sex just isn't worth the hassle of walking someone through the proper behaviour.

But you're definitely not abnormal for being a virgin, and I'm sure plenty of guys won't think twice about it if you two are in a relationship. Just don't tell them about your sex history on the first or second date.
posted by cmonkey at 10:23 AM on September 8, 2005

I was a virgin until I was 21 and it never seemed to bother guys at all. I was always pretty honest about it and most men seemed to take it in stride. Granted, that was like 12 years ago, so it might be a little different now.
posted by jodic at 10:23 AM on September 8, 2005

It's not scary at all. Looking back, I would've much preferred losing my virginity to a fellow virgin. It's like starting a journey together, as corny as that sounds. Plus there's far less anxiety about eachothers comparartive experiences.
posted by jonmc at 10:24 AM on September 8, 2005

It's not weird, you're not abnormal.

My girlfriend was a 22 year old virgin when I met her. It was unusual, but certainly not unusual enough to scare me or even wonder what was "wrong" with her. We dated for a while and finally got busy, as it were, a bit less than a year into the relationship (that's not to say we weren't busy fooling around the whole time).

I don't think I'm unusual in that I like sex, I love sex, and am (if I say so myself) a very good lover, but sex is not the most important thing in a relationship -- it's certainly an important thing, but it sounds like anyone who's just about the sex isn't worth your time.
posted by crickets at 10:28 AM on September 8, 2005

It wouldn't bother me. The things that put me off people are more to do with personality than lack of sexual experience. Lack of sexual experience is a condition that can be cured: being a git isn't. :-)
posted by Decani at 10:52 AM on September 8, 2005

You'll note that the recent film about the unusual and weird virgin was the FORTY year old virgin, not the 21 year old. It's totally normal.
posted by judith at 10:53 AM on September 8, 2005

The idea that someone could think being a virgin at 21 is "unusual and weird" is... unusual and weird. FWIW, I was nearly 22 before I had sex for the first time -- and I had to drive all the way across the country to get it. Don't worry about it.
posted by kindall at 11:03 AM on September 8, 2005

Yeah, just don't make a big deal about it. If your future partner is looking for a nice, solid, long-term relationship, it might even be a plus.

In my mind, the only reason it might be a turn-off is because of the "training" necessary. If you stay uninhibited, mature, and sex-positive, it shouldn't be a problem.
posted by trevyn at 11:11 AM on September 8, 2005

It's definitely normal.

I'm a guy, and, when I was still dating, I wouldn't have been scared off by knowing such a thing—provided I didn't hear about it on or before the first date. If you tell a guy you're a virgin before there seems to be a real relationship possibility, it may well scare him off. Think about it—you're simultaneously implying that you've thought about having sex with him, and informing him that, if and when the two of you have sex, he'll be your first.

Just don't worry about it. Go on dates without thinking too much about your lack of sexual experience. When you've had a couple of dates with a really great guy, and you're seriously thinking about having sex with him at some point in the future, then tell him. By that time, he should know you well enough that it won't scare him off.
posted by cerebus19 at 11:17 AM on September 8, 2005

It wouldn't scare me off. The guys it did scare off? Good riddance, you didn't want 'em.

But mainly, don't talk about sexual history until you are at the point where it makes sense. I didn't tell my wife I was a virgin until I was pretty sure our relationship was going somewhere, but we were at the point where she might start to wonder why we hadn't done it yet.
posted by teece at 11:18 AM on September 8, 2005

Don't worry. Be happy.

Your nervous. Don't be. On your next date don't expect anything, except to enjoy the moment. Keep doing that and one of these guys will start to look like someone you will want multiple dates with and then who knows.
posted by caddis at 11:30 AM on September 8, 2005

For any normal, sane guy worth having, any concerns about this issue would rank well below chemistry, common interests and compatibility, and general attraction (in the abstract, "she's really cute", non-overtly-sexual way).

I wouldn't sweat it. If the date turns into something more, it's more likely the topic will come up in an organic or situation-appropriate way.
posted by jalexei at 11:48 AM on September 8, 2005

It is the "have never had a relationship (short or long term)" that would scare me off. I don't think it all comes down to telling people you are a virgin straightaway, either. I would definitely think there was a solid reason you have not ever had a second date. Seriously, if I were in this position, I think I would ask close friends and a few of the people I'd had first dates with to help me out with the truth.

At 21, especially with absolutely zero experience, you should be dating and not simply trying to get into a serious relationship with the first guy who manages to get you out on a second date. Not to do so is to miss out, possibly permanently, on a chance to see what you actually like in potential mates. It is also to miss out on a lot of fun, and a lot of horror-stories as well. Do yourself some good and get to the root of why you are sabotaging yourself socially.
posted by Invoke at 11:52 AM on September 8, 2005 [1 favorite]

Your virginity probably wouldn't scare off guys your age. An "I'm not going to have sex with you yet because I want to lose my virginity to someone I'm in a real relationship with" speech probably would. (No criticism of your stance implied -- it's perfectly reasonable -- I'm just warning you what I think its probable effect would be.)
posted by Zed_Lopez at 11:56 AM on September 8, 2005

It isn't unusual or weird and you don't need to think about it every day. You also don't need to bring it up until it comes up in conversation. When you're with a person you want to lose your virginity with, then is the time to bring it up.

For me, losing my virginity didn't matter, but then, I'm a dude. For me, sex is great, but it doesn't have to be a holy thing with someone I love. At the same time, I'd have no qualms about dating a virgin and waiting for her to be comfortable. At the same time, I know if I love someone, I'd be willing to wait.

Basically, what I'm saying is that you appear to know that you want to wait to lose you virginity with someone special. So there is no problem. That's great and healthy for you. Don't sweat still being a virgin. Don't worry about dudes worrying about you being a virgin. Just keep on doing what you're doing and you'll know when it is supposed to happen.
posted by sciurus at 12:00 PM on September 8, 2005

I Nth the "why is this coming up in conversation so early" question. If it's because those dates are getting hot and heavy then you don't need to provide that much information. "I'm not interested in having sex with you tonight" is all you need to say. It that's not sufficient for someone you don't want to be dating/fucking them anyway. Ditto the people who fetishize your virginity or are so put out by it that they don't want to sleep with you.

It may be, by the way, that it's not that they're unwilling to sleep with a virgin so much as the fact that it comes up so quickly leads them to belive this is a philisophical thing with you. If someone introduced himself to my by saying "Hi, I'm Jim and this is my wife Kathy. We're swingers." I'd take a certain message from that. Maybe you're unintentionally sending a message as well.

As far as would it put me off personally, well, yeah, though my perspective at 35 is a little different than the men you're probably dating. That said, even now it wouldn't it put me off someone I actually liked, assuming their reason for still being a virgin wasn't reflective of a big difference in personal beliefs.
posted by phearlez at 12:01 PM on September 8, 2005

i was a virgin until i was 21... and im a guy. wasnt really by choice, i just have the self esteem of a rape victim and the social skills of an autistic child. that and the fact that i went to an all guys high school and then injured myself and was stuck on my back for about a year ddn't really help. i also didn't really want my first time to be w/ some random chick that i would never see again.

the first girl i was with thought it was a little strange when i told her i was a virgin (she didnt believe me at first), but then it turned her on when she thought about it for a little bit.

im actually really happy with the way things turned out, we ended up dating for 4 months and after we broke up we remained friends (with benefits).

i wouldn't have a problem if the situation was reversed and the gal i was seeing was a virgin, especially since i know what its like to be in that situation.

now im 22 and just had my first threesome last week. /brag

posted by hummercash at 12:02 PM on September 8, 2005

Wouldn't freak me out at all, although as others have mentioned an introduction of the topic too early on would make me a little uncomfortable.

Potential partners don't really need to know per se, but if you were at a point leading up to intercourse it may be wise to give a little heads up or if it happens to come up in conversation.

"For any normal, sane guy worth having, any concerns about this issue would rank well below chemistry, common interests and compatibility, and general attraction (in the abstract, "she's really cute", non-overtly-sexual way)."

posted by Matt Oneiros at 12:05 PM on September 8, 2005

I'm a guy (so I'm told, anyway), and I was a virgin till I was 21 too. I'm 30 now and I haven't had a lot of sex between now and then. There are lots of people who are freaked out by that, but I'm also always surprised by how common it is (as you can see by ths postings here). Our culture puts a big emphasis on having sex, but there's no need to do so. Aside from people who are "saving themselves for marriage", lots of people have made a conscious and empowered decision to choose what their sex life is going to look like, which may or may not resemble our culture's expectations.

You may find that guys your age are more likely to just want sex than older guys. Perhaps you should shoot for someone a little more mature. And, not wanting to be unkind, your sense that "being too keen" is driving them away, you may be right. The appearance of desperation is a big turn-off for a lot of people. You may find that Mr. Right will come along at exactly the moment you stop looking for him. That's often been my experience. The less you feel you "need" a boyfriend, the more likely you are to find one, and the more likely you are to have a more rewarding and mutually respectful relationship. Best of luck.
posted by hellomynameisphil at 12:05 PM on September 8, 2005

To look at it another way, I find it sad that you are feeling weird about something that you should be proud of. Anyone can be a non-virgin, it isn't difficult. Putting the genie back in the bottle is impossible. I know it isn't popular on these boards (from what I have read so far), but saving yourself for the right person is a wonderful thing. Best of all, if you wait until you're married. "boring sex" doesn't happen if the point of it is sharing intimacy with someone you really love. If all you are after is getting your rocks off, maybe then it could get boring.

FWIW, i am a married guy (15 years) who has only ever been with my wife, and wouldn't have it any other way.
posted by genefinder at 12:30 PM on September 8, 2005

For me, losing my virginity didn't matter, but then, I'm a dude.

Which brings up an interesting point- we don't have a hymen, and a guy who knows what he's doing in the sack is much more the exception than the rule. Basically, it's much easier for a guy to lie about being/not being a virgin than a woman.
posted by mkultra at 12:35 PM on September 8, 2005

I have a friend just like this. She had a big crush on me when we were both 22. To be quite frank, I was scared off due to her being a virgin. I wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship, but I didn't want to start something, have sex, and have it end quickly, the way these things sometimes do.

I don't know if that's an answer. But I'm an average guy, so maybe that helps some...?

Also, the general consensus among this girls friends, is that she needs to have sex with someone/anyone ASAP. Not saying that's a good choice, or anything. Just sayin'
posted by dead_ at 12:54 PM on September 8, 2005

banished, that's really not cool. I hate calling out, but come ons really deter questions like this.

That said, yes it would scare me off. I'm your age and very few of my diverse friends are looking for a long-term relationship. It is not that they're players who pick up a different chick every night, it is just that unless you're really cool, the virginity thing carries a lot of baggage with girls. Those who can have sex the first time and not remember the guy for the rest of her life is scary. We feel pressured to not only do well but worry that things will get clingy if they don't work out. Plus how many relationships have you (well not you, but in general) end because the sex sucks? A lot, I hate to say it but if I was going out with a girl and she didn't do it for me for whatever reason I probably wouldn't go back, why be in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you?

Being a virgin changes things, I mean only a true asshole would act like they wanted a relationship, didn't like you in bed and just dump you. But at our age there's a mutual "sex experimentation" between both sexes.

Also try lowering your standards. If you were a guy answering this question girls would say things like "lower your attractiveness standards", well lower your "he's special/the one" standards. Find a guy you like to hang out with and sleep with him. He doesn't have to be Big from that stupid Sex in the City Show, just a cool guy you find reasonably attractive. Sleep with him and be done with it.

You probably give off the "relationship! yes!" vibes. This isn't cool, lay off of it and make it seem you like to chill. Yeah you could go out with X group on a Friday night or Y or Z, it doesn't matter because you're chill about it. If you say something along the lines of "I've been looking forward to this for the last week", it's kind of cool to the guy and then there's this enormous pressure to not only live up to the expectations (which apparently he fails to do every time for you) -- but also the "she's going to be part of my entire life if I sleep with her", which may or may not be true. So be cool.
posted by geoff. at 12:58 PM on September 8, 2005

Corrections, retractions:

Those who can have sex the first time and not remember the guy for the rest of her life is the exception, and that to us is scary.
posted by geoff. at 1:00 PM on September 8, 2005

Your question may have already been answered but heres my .02. I wouldn't necessarily be scared off but like other have said if the fact that your a virgin is coming out on the first date would raise some red flags. If it comes out as the guy is taking off your pants it's ok but if it comes up while your eating pizza it will make a guy think.

One possible thing a guy would think would be: This girl is one of those wait until she's in "love" and i don't have the time to see if this girl is going to fall in love.

A normal guy will never turn you down if you seem too "keen" to lose your virginity. Don't worry about it being boring sex is sex even when it's bad it's good.

my advice is to date until you find a guy you want to have sex with and don't tell him until he's taking your pants off. He want stop at that point guaranteed.
posted by Justin Case at 2:14 PM on September 8, 2005

...why be in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you?


Actually, I agree with those literal words. If you're getting NO satisfaction from the other person, I guess you should call it quits. But you seem to mean sexual satisfaction.

You stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't sexually satisfy you because (a) OTHER aspects of the relationship satisfy you and because (b) people change. Just people someone doesn't satisfy you now, that doesn't mean they'll never satisfy you. And if you love the person, that something you can work on. I would break up with the person who had no interest in satisfying me -- not with the person who just happened not to satisfy me immediately.

Maybe I feel this way because I'm almost 40, not in my 20s. Actually, I felt that way in my 20s too. I wanted a relationship that included sex, not sex that included a relationship. I guess I was atypical.

trampesque, I don't think there's anything wrong with you, odd about you, scary about you or offputting about you. I DO suggest you educate yourself about sex. Sure, nothing beats practice, but in the meantime, read some books or watch some videos (NOT porn -- real sex doesn't work that way!). Don't go into the bedroom unprepared.

I think people in this thread have given you some good advice about things that might scare people away: clinginess, etc. So just make it clear that you're not going to be this way and that you don't expect the first guy who makes love to you to be the greatest lover of the century.
posted by grumblebee at 2:25 PM on September 8, 2005

Try not to get too ahead of yourself. Go on more than one date with a person, and don't think about whether that person is worth a 'long term relationship.' If you like the guy and he likes you, the relationship will naturally, organically progress into a long term relationship. It's not as if you go out with someone and have to decide yay-or-nay whether you're going to be with them for the next year or two.
posted by mfbridges at 2:46 PM on September 8, 2005

I was another 21 year old guy virgin. I dated, earlier this year, a 25 year old female virgin. It doesn't scare me. Wait until it's time for you.

But ... I had a conversation with my sister last night that went along the lines of, "I've been on a date with this guy twice and I really like him and I don't know if he likes me and I want to hang out with him more but I don't know if he does..." And it was all I could do to keep from shaking her and telling her to back the fuck off, grow some patience, and just hang out with him and get to know him as a friend first.

Honest, hon, there's lots of guys that will want to date you and sleep with you. But make sure that your first time is with someone that you really appreciate as another human being, and that you're really turned on by the idea of doin' it with him. The best sex is selfless -- where you're both in it to do something special for the other person.
posted by SpecialK at 3:25 PM on September 8, 2005

I've dated a couple girls who had never had sex before. I didn't think it was weird, and in fact it was immensely gratifying to, well, introduce them to sex and make it a positive experience for them. It seems like so many girls I know have crappy first experiences, so you can at least be glad you haven't had one of those (yet).
posted by speicus at 3:28 PM on September 8, 2005

I DO suggest you educate yourself about sex. Sure, nothing beats practice, but in the meantime, read some books or watch some videos. Don't go into the bedroom unprepared.
grumblebee-- YOU ROCK.
posted by nimsey lou at 4:25 PM on September 8, 2005

I wouldn't expect you to tell me until it was pretty obvious we were headed towards boinkdom. If you told me quickly it would be making too big a deal out of it, if you told me just before the deed it would be awkward. I'd expect to find out when it was obvious that I cared about you.
posted by Jack Karaoke at 5:42 PM on September 8, 2005

However, due to various circumstances (i.e. me being a little too keen and driving them away) I find that the guys I fall for either just want to sleep with me or aren't interested at all, so I've never had a relationship or more than a first date.

Your whole story, problem and answer is buried somewhere in that vague sentence. Even if you're not willing to explore those 'various circumstances' with the same people whose opinion you're asking of your virginity, you really need to explore them on your own. So I am definitely part of the camp that is saying: I would be much more likely to lose interest (or never gain it) when I heard that you've never had a second date. And it's not because I would be 'scared off.' There is nothing 'scary' about it. Nobody is going to 'fear' you. They are just going to correctly assume that you have some serious issues, and they would rather not be around as you work them out.

All that being said, even if you were not a serial first-dater, I wouldn't want to be your first, and it has nothing to do with only wanting sex. On the contrary: reading your post, the last thing that I think is 'Gee, there is a girl to whom sex really isn't that important, so that wouldn't work out for me.' What I think is, 'There is a girl who is obsessed with her own unwillingness to be sexual. How unattractive!

You say that you're considered very attractive, and for the sake of this comment, I'll take your word for it. But there are a lot of attractive girls in the world, and most of them don't come with a flashing sign that says 'tremendous amounts of baggage.' Those that do should not be surprised when a lot of worthwhile guys lose interest, and it isn't because those guys are shallow.
posted by bingo at 6:27 PM on September 8, 2005

The short version: yes, it could scare off a guy... but the guys it would scare off are not the guys you want to be dating/sleeping with anyway. And it will not scare off all guys. So if it's important to you to disclose, then by all means keep disclosing it; either it won't matter or it will, and in any case it means you're both operating with one fewer potentially hidden agenda.
posted by 88robots at 8:42 PM on September 8, 2005

Personally, as an American male in his mid-twenties, I would be much more attracted to you, not less.
posted by gd779 at 9:28 PM on September 8, 2005


I think the thing that would scare me off is if you are totally clueless as to your sexual preferences, as in, what you want to do, how often you want it, etc. This is because it really really really really really sucks to be emotionally involved with someone who doesn't want sex/doesn't care about sex/doesn't enjoy sex as much as you.

There is nothing wrong with waiting till you're in a relationship to have sex, in fact I think you'll be a more well adjusted person if you lose it someone who cares about you for more than just sex. This way they'll be willing to help you learn in a caring and emotionally supportive manner, and even if things don't work out in the long run, you've definitely had a better experience than screwing a random guy/friend.

I think anyone who says that people around the age of 21 aren't looking for a long term relationship are full of shit. Unless perhaps you're talking about dudes who hang out in bars, clubs, or are in Frats, but if you're looking there for love or a relationship you must be naive.

Good luck!
posted by mhuckaba at 2:13 AM on September 9, 2005

Huckba, since you may be referring to me, I didn't say every early-20s person should-not/are-not be looking for a long term relationship, I said trampesque should not be looking for a long term relationship. She simply doesn't have the experience with dating to be making such choices, which is why the advice to go on strings-of-dates with several people.
posted by Invoke at 6:51 AM on September 9, 2005

I think he was more referring to me. I agree with you invoke, and I'll also say that I am in not a frat, and certainly have no frat friends -- but how many college-age (I'm assuming you're in college) people have time for a long-term relationship? Yes there are exceptions but christ, if I went around looking for long-term stable relationships my life would be miserable and I'd be like this poster. I'd be sitting around waiting for Mrs. Right to come along and then jump on it. Instead I have no expectations and go with what comes along. Is this the best way to go? Well for me and a significant number of my peers yes. As this question demonstrates those who get picky at such a young age (who clearly don't know what they want), end up like the poster.
posted by geoff. at 9:27 AM on September 9, 2005

When I was in college, I picked up a girl in a bar, and that turned into a serious relationship that lasted for over a year. People meet in all sorts of ways.
posted by bingo at 6:49 PM on September 9, 2005

I agree with that Invoke said that she should date, but that doesn't mean that if she finds someone worthy of a long term relationship that she should have commitment phobia. I also don't think she should fark random people just to get experience.

If shes attractive and interesting she should have no problem getting 2 dates out of a guy, or even just becoming friends with a guy then dating. My thoughts are either shes anti-social in some way or shes dating the wrong kind of guys.
posted by mhuckaba at 9:19 PM on September 9, 2005

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