He texts me everyday but has never asked me out
March 21, 2013 2:47 AM   Subscribe

I never initiate the texts except for a couple of times, but always reply and am nice and friendly. He texts me about anything, and usually sends funny images. He also hangs out with me randomly, for example yesterday I was giving out food for an event and he came without his friends to be with me. But he has made no moves other than that, as in no touching or complimenting me, but maybe he is not very good at flirting. I have had bad experiences when telling a guy first that I am interested. I don't like playing games, but I am wondering if I should be more challenging and mysterious? Does it seem like he is interested? He's been texting me for a month now. Thanks!
posted by lovisa91 to Human Relations (38 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I am wondering if I should be more challenging and mysterious?
No. Behaving erratically with the intent that he read your mind on why you're behaving erratically will probably lead to your asking in a few weeks why he's no longer interested in hanging out with you.

Does it seem like he is interested?
The only way to know is to ask or wait to find out whether he's interested in you as a friend or as a romantic interest. "Hey, person, are you interested in me as a friend or something more?" kind of puts him on the spot since it doesn't reveal your preference but it's better than being "challenging and mysterious." I prefer "Hey, person, would you like to try going on a date?" since it's more honest and less confrontational, but if you're unwilling to do that, the former question or accepting him just as a friend is my advice.
posted by vegartanipla at 2:59 AM on March 21, 2013 [9 favorites]


Wait, have you tried asking him out? That would be an excellent way to see how interested he is in going out with you.
posted by Blasdelb at 3:07 AM on March 21, 2013 [15 favorites]


It sounds like he's interested to me. Call me a cynic, but I really don't think guys are that bothered about making female friends. As in, if it happens great, but they don't give up time with their mates to hang out with women at charity events just to cultivate a friendship. I can understand not wanting to just ask him out if you've had bad experiences before. And I'm not saying you should go down the mysterious route (cos I'm not really sure what that would entail) but have you tried gently flirting with him or complimenting him? Just to see if he looks receptive or vaguely horrified, then you'll have an idea without actually putting yourself out there too much. You can always laugh off a harmless little flirt but its hard to get past the awkwardness of asking someone out and having them refuse. Of course if you're still mystified after that then ask him out. By the way, are you actually interested in him as a date or just a friend?
posted by billiebee at 3:17 AM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Just because he's not touching or complimenting doesn't mean he's not interested in dating you.
posted by victory_laser at 3:29 AM on March 21, 2013


Kiss him, you fool.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:33 AM on March 21, 2013 [15 favorites]


That doesn't sound much different from how I interact with my friends of no romantic interest.
posted by LogicalDash at 3:51 AM on March 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


I have had bad experiences when telling a guy first that I am interested.

I think we've all had bad experiences telling someone we're interested, but we keep trying anyway. If you're interested and he hasn't made a move, you'll need to ask him out.

I don't know why so many women get this idea that it's still "unattractive" to ask a guy out in 2013, but believe me, whether you ask him out or not is not going to influence his possible attraction to you. If he's seriously the type of dude to turn down a woman he was otherwise into, simply because she was "too forward", well then he's a goddamned fool. Every single guy I know would LOVE for a woman to ask them out for a change, and I suspect almost every single guy on this site would as well.
posted by windbox at 4:33 AM on March 21, 2013 [17 favorites]


This is the text you send him:
lol great pic. How'd that cat get wedged in that scanner?! Cats are so weird. Hey, would you like to go on a date sometime? I know a great tapas place.
posted by phunniemee at 4:34 AM on March 21, 2013 [21 favorites]


Maybe it's just how my face works, and it has been a very long time, but I found that if I was with a person and basically imagined very intently that I was putting my hands on their face and pulling them in for a kiss, magically, if they wanted to kiss me they would. Just in case you can't quite bring yourself to ask him out or kiss him.
posted by gingerest at 4:39 AM on March 21, 2013 [11 favorites]


Sounds like my platonic friends who I chat with daily. Some people are just friendly. And just because he's a guy and you like guys, it doesn't mean it's romantic.

Would you be interested in him if he weren't contacting you every day? It sounds sort of like you're only interested because you think he's interested, and I gotta tell you, that's no way to live.
posted by mochapickle at 4:42 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


If he's having trouble asking you out, being "more challenging and mysterious" risks only making it even harder for him. If you don't want to be first mover, then just be patient and let things take their natural course at their natural pace. Be zen about it.
posted by Dansaman at 4:52 AM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


You don't say whether you are interested in him. If so, ask him out. If not, take him at face value (friendly only) and put it out of your head since you'd answer "no" anyway.

Risks are always worth taking if the alternative is waiting & wondering & worrying. This is a small risk. "Wanna go on a date?" "No thanks." "ok, so how 'bout them Bears?"
posted by headnsouth at 5:03 AM on March 21, 2013


I don't like playing games

Girl. You are playing games RIGHT NOW.

I have had bad experiences when telling a guy first that I am interested.

Those guys were either dicks with regressive ideas about women, or they just genuinely didn't want to date you and nothing you could have done or not done would have changed that. This guy might be in one of those two categories, OR he might be the ultimate love of your life who is also kinda shy. So stop PLAYING GAMES and ask him out!
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:25 AM on March 21, 2013 [7 favorites]


Thanks for the replies so far..
I have liked him since January and he has only started texting this past month very frequently. I have been told many times that men like to be able to chase the girl, that once the girl becomes too forward it is less exciting. I have never been able to do this and it is quite obvious when I like somebody!
I forgot to mention he did say he liked me last week, but it was at a party and he was drunk, so doesn't count.. I am seeing him tonight so will give hints and see how it goes :D
posted by lovisa91 at 5:51 AM on March 21, 2013


Texting is usually not like blogging or tweeting. He has to take time to compose each text just for you. He has be always thinking about what to write and how you will react to it. Will you be amused or intrigued? He has to sit and wait to see if you will reply and what you will say. All this really cuts badly into time that a guy could be spending on beer, banter and other women. In terms of "no smoke without fire", let me just say that if it were 20 years ago he would be sending you mix tapes. Kiss him.
posted by rongorongo at 6:10 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Wait - he said he liked you last week? To whom? To you, or to someone else, and what was the context?
posted by Salamander at 6:10 AM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


he's interested but perhaps lack confidence.
posted by mattoxic at 6:13 AM on March 21, 2013


He likes you but is too mortified to ask you out (I speak from personal experience). His drunk confession is pretty revealing, IMO. No more games, no more hints, just come out and ask him point blank how he feels. This charade has lasted long enough! :)
posted by puritycontrol at 6:18 AM on March 21, 2013


Is this the same gent as the one last week?
posted by mochapickle at 6:18 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


I have been told many times that men like to be able to chase the girl, that once the girl becomes too forward it is less exciting.

I've been happily married for 10 years to a woman who asked me out. Getting asked out by a beautiful woman is very exciting.

I can't know for sure what's going on with this guy, but the drunken confession, texts, and attempts to hang out with you all strongly indicate he is interested. If you are interested in him, ask him on a date.
posted by Area Man at 6:22 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


"I have had bad experiences when telling a guy first that I am interested."

Everybody who takes the chance of asking someone out has had bad experiences with it. Being rejected is one of the risks. You have the option of deciding that it always has to be the guy who takes the risk of rejection, but then you run the risk that he won't take the risk even though he would have been happy to say yes if you had asked him out. There are no guarantees either way.

"I have been told many times that men like to be able to chase the girl, that once the girl becomes too forward it is less exciting."

That's probably true for some men. However, I suspect that guys who are only in it for the pursuit aren't going to care that much about being in an actual relationship. If you are interested in a romantic relationship then you might as well weed out those clowns from the get go. For the record, when I was single it always made my day on those occasions when a woman would ask me out rather than waiting for me to make the first move.
posted by tdismukes at 6:26 AM on March 21, 2013 [7 favorites]


I have been told many times that men like to be able to chase the girl, that once the girl becomes too forward it is less exciting.

This is wrong.
posted by windbox at 6:27 AM on March 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


Somebody else, and he told me that he liked me :) I will ask him tonight.
posted by lovisa91 at 6:35 AM on March 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


Thank you everyone
posted by lovisa91 at 6:35 AM on March 21, 2013


I have been told many times that men like to be able to chase the girl, that once the girl becomes too forward it is less exciting.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT! Incorrect! (for most men) (I am the one that put the moves on my now fiance, so I am speaking from experience here.) The exact opposite is what I have witnessed. I've seen women try to keep this magical "chase" going and all it does is make the man feel unsure in the relationship and frustrated and eventually lead them to breaking up with the woman because they became sick and tired of it. It is all just game playing, and it just isn't a good way to behave in a relationship, if you ask me. I think the chase-making women are just doing the female equivalent of PUA "negging" and I just think it is shady.

My experience with men has led me to believe the following:
1. Most men are just as clueless as women when it comes to knowing whether or not someone is putting the moves on them.
2. Most men not only are okay with being asked out by a woman, they LIKE it because it takes the pressure off of them.
3. A lot of men are hesitant to ask a woman out because they fear coming off as creepy.
4. So many women are the chase-making, game-playing types that when they come across a woman who is clear, open, and direct it is like a lightning bolt of "Oh my god, this is awesome.".



Just ask the guy out. It sounds to me that he likes you so go put yourself out there, be brave, be strong, and ask him out for god's sake!


upon reading your update...

GOOD!
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:38 AM on March 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


I have been told many times that men like to be able to chase the girl, that once the girl becomes too forward it is less exciting

This, like the "be challenging and mysterious" thing, is true in romance novels and chick flicks and pretty much nowhere else. Whoever is feeding you this advice, please stop listening to them.
posted by ook at 6:52 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


I have had bad experiences when telling a guy first that I am interested.

Everyone has had bad experiences telling someone first they are interested. That's the name of the game. So you have to do it, acknowledging that it is a very real possibility. I see a lot of the "do they like me questions" and taking the genders and the expectations relating to gender out of it usually helps whomever it is. Accepting that means you can take a lot more chances out of the gate.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:55 AM on March 21, 2013


Are you comfortable asking him out and being direct about your intentions, or is being pursued an important part of your own relationship expectations?

There's no wrong answer, but your answer will indicate what will work for you in this situation.

If you want or need to be pursued, it seems to me like he's pursuing you in kind of a low-key way that is not necessarily uncommon but can go unnoticed or not even feel like pursuit to you. You can let this unfold however it unfolds, for instance by doing your best to be open to his pursuit of you -- responding to his texts, agreeing to his suggestions, &c. But this could go on quite a while and it sounds like you are high-closure about relationships: if so, you will probably continue to feel frustrated by this approach.

If you need to be pursued more explicitly than he's pursuing you, you have two options: you can raise the stakes, or you can fold. Raising the stakes means putting something on the line so he knows you're interested. It might mean saying "hey, it seems like there's something going on with us, and I want you to know that if you step up your game a little, you might like what happens."[1] It might mean saying, "I like you. You should ask me out on a date sometime." If you want to see more of a particular behavior, you have to encourage it. This doesn't necessarily mean pursuing him, but it might mean helping him to understand how you want to be pursued.

Folding means finding somebody else who is better prepared to pursue you in the way that you feel is important.

If you don't especially need to be pursued but have internalized this idea that men must do the pursuing, here's the thing: you don't have to take that idea at face value. It's okay to test it out by trying on non-pursuit and seeing how that feels, and trying on pursuit and seeing how that feels, and deciding what works for you. You can try asking this guy out explicitly. You can try NOT asking anybody out and only going out with people who ask you out, if that feels better and safer for you. It's just helpful to know how you want it to go.

But I should say, again, and speaking as a guy who did a fair bit of low-key pursuing of girls in my salad days, that it sounds to me like this guy is interested in you and you want more closure about that question than you're getting from the available evidence. Getting more closure means asking. Or asking out. Or kissing.

1. I feel I should clarify that this doesn't necessarily mean sex and anybody who thinks it does necessarily mean sex is a bad person and not boyfriend material.
posted by gauche at 7:02 AM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


He's interested, but he's waiting for a green light.

This is what he's supposed to do -- not proceed until he gets the green light.

Your job is to give him that green light, or not. So far, you haven't.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:06 AM on March 21, 2013 [7 favorites]


Oh, I just remembered something that a guy friend of mine told me, a little while back. He's an absolutely awesome guy, but kind of awkward around girls, never had many real relationships. He was friends with a girl through a mutual sport, and spent a lot of time with her, but had ZERO clue she was interested.

He told me how they got together: she said to him one day, 'You know, if you asked me out on a date, I'd say yes'.

Bam. They've now been together two years and are happy as clams.

So there's that. :)
posted by Salamander at 7:17 AM on March 21, 2013 [9 favorites]


I have been told many times that men like to be able to chase the girl, that once the girl becomes too forward it is less exciting.

This is a lie. Even if things don't work out with this guy, it's still a lie. Do not let lies about "what guys like" or "how women are supposed to act" get in your way, now or ever.
posted by scody at 8:12 AM on March 21, 2013 [8 favorites]


I have been told many times that men like to be able to chase the girl, that once the girl becomes too forward it is less exciting.

I'm a man, and of my many many male acquaintances I've only known one friend who was ever like this. We said this of him primarily because we were giving our friend a pass for pining somewhat endlessly for a girl who wasn't worth his time because she'd never return his affections. He didn't like any old chase, he just put a lot of effort into the chase, and lied to himself about liking what he was doing. He was our friend, and nobody was getting harmed, so we backed him up.

If you want to get caught, don't lead him on a chase. Don't be mysterious; men are socially conditioned to be immune to that sort of thing and it could lead to unpredictable, undesirable adults. Put simply, if he wants you but can't figure out whether or not you want him, he will move on to someone he can figure out.
posted by Sunburnt at 9:20 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Just because he's not touching or complimenting doesn't mean he's not interested in dating you.

And just because he's texting you and occasionally hanging out with you doesn't mean he's interested in dating you.

Honestly, sooner or later if you are friends with someone and you want it to be something more, you either have to make a move or wait for them to make a move. If you want to date him badly enough that you don't want to wait, then be the one who makes the move. Do it in a way that isn't dramatic, just casual, so you can easily fall back into old patterns if needed.
posted by davejay at 11:21 AM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


You do take a risk when you show your hand first, but what do you really have to lose? Let's look at the possible reasons for him to turn you down for a date:

- He's not interested in dating you, and no amount of sticking around and pining for him would change that. Now you can move on instead of wasting time and emotions on something that's not going to happen. And trust me, becoming the female equivalent of "friend zone guy" is not where you want to go.

- He likes the chase and you've ruined it for him. Well, if you played his game and allowed him to thoroughly enjoy the chase (by the way, text messaging doesn't strike me as the most thrilling of chases), what happens when you finally let him catch you? He's likely to get bored with being in a relationship and start looking elsewhere for new quarry to chase. Not to mention that a man who places higher importance on playing games than actually, you know, developing a relationship with you as an individual person rather than a target, is not likely to be a great partner.

- He has very rigid, conservative ideas of what women do, and disdains women who have the backbone to ask for what they want. Congratulations, you've just dodged a relationship with a man who does and will always think of you as less of a person.

Would any of these scenarios really be such a big loss? No, right? On the other hand, what do you have to gain? In my case, I gained the most amazing husband. I shamelessly chased him and it's one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I highly, highly recommend it.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:46 PM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


"undesireable adults." I meant "undesireable results," of course. Doh.
posted by Sunburnt at 4:41 PM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have been told many times that men like to be able to chase the girl, that once the girl becomes too forward it is less exciting.

Do not listen to anyone who peddles rot like this. Some men may act that way, many do not.

I am seeing him tonight so will give hints and see how it goes :D

If your guy is a little shy or inexperienced or insecure, then subtle hints will not work. Obvious hints will not work.

If you really can't bring yourself to ask him out, then have a conversation with him. Ask about his feelings towards you / where this friendship is going. Give him a green light. Tell him what you want. the sky will not fall in.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 8:37 PM on March 21, 2013


How'd it go?
posted by Specklet at 3:26 AM on March 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


Saw him today this morning, and I told him that I like him. He answered back immediately that he really likes me. He broke up with his ex just before Christmas, but she is still in love with him and they have the same circle of friends, which is complicated as he does not want them to go against him for going out with me. I know that is not a reason to not go out with me, but I am just a bit worried about this, but also really happy that he reciprocated my feelings!!!!! Thank you everyone for giving me confidence and realising that these games shouldn't be played.
posted by lovisa91 at 8:48 AM on March 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


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