Mutual friend suffers in aftermath of breakup
March 13, 2013 11:54 AM   Subscribe

Perhaps I’m too blinded by my own sadness to recognize a needed intervention and a friend who is also hurting. Any advice on how to stop wallowing and suck it up for the sake of the friendship?

Two months ago I went through a breakup. After 1.5 years, talks of marriage and babies, it was over. There was no betrayal or ugliness, just two people realizing they wanted different things in life, wishing each other well, and going their separate ways. Oh but how it still aches.

I distanced myself from a mutual friend (and his coworker) because I knew I’d be too tempted to ask about him, while at the same time fear she’d inadvertently clue me in to his whereabouts.

She’s periodically invited me out to the bar, and I respond with a thanks but I’m not ready yet. Last night she sent a rather passive-aggressive text telling me not to worry because I won’t be hearing from her anymore.

I reiterated that I missed her and I feel crappy about the whole thing, and I’m sorry she’s caught up in my issue, but I still need the space. She said that it’s “ridiculous” and “silly” that I’m temporarily cutting her out of my life when, after all, surely I haven’t purged every reminder like “throwing out the TV or bed.”

I expected more patience and understanding. And not to play the victim card too much, but in the midst of my healing I don’t think I should be responsible for her feelings too.

But, perhaps I’m too blinded by my own sadness to recognize a needed intervention and a friend who is also hurting. So, any advice on how to stop wallowing and suck it up for the sake of the friendship?
posted by cleanslate to Human Relations (12 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
It's only been two months. Periodic invitations are a nice way of her letting you know she would like to retain your friendship, and your rebuffs are understandable - and from your description, kindly worded. Her dismissal of your feelings is unkind and inappropriate. It may be that she misses you being there for her, but you can't be her only friend - it isn't fair to put the burden of her happiness on you. I would expect a friend to continue to reach out, and perhaps get a bit exasperated around the 5 or 6 month mark (wondering if I've been cut off permanently), but at 2 months this is her being very insensitive. I'm hopeful that she lashed out thoughtlessly and will later apologize. If not, then jamaro is right - she isn't acting like a friend to you.
posted by pammeke at 12:06 PM on March 13, 2013


If she'd sent you a text that said "I really miss hanging out with you! I promise to not bring up That Subject, and to stop you if you ask about You Know Who. Dinner soon?" then I'd say you might be carrying the no-contact/no-reference thing a *little* too far.

But she didn't. Maybe she is hurting and she does miss you and she expressed that badly. But you aren't required to continue to be friends with people who are this passive-aggressive and dismissive.
posted by rtha at 12:08 PM on March 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


So, I don't blame her. She thought you were her friend, and through your breakup you dropped her like hot potatoes. She's not your old love. You "broke up" with her too, from her perspective.

If you want to save the friendship, you two need to have a heartfelt sit down talk with each other. Not over text messages.
posted by royalsong at 12:09 PM on March 13, 2013 [18 favorites]


She's mourning the loss of what there was before too, so cut her some slack. I'm a big fan of no contact breakups, but I probably wouldn't put mutual friends on no contact.
posted by advicepig at 12:09 PM on March 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


If I was your friend I'd be really hurt too, but would try to be sympathetic. When you cut her out of your life did you offer a timeline?

TBH I had a friend do something similar to me (she needed space to deal with some emotional/romantic fallout related to our friend group) and even though when she got back in touch we stayed friends for about 2 years afterwards, we were never really cool. That was in part because I realized I couldn't trust her to be present for me emotionally/mentally because she was the kind of person who'd check out like that for several months, and then would show up and expect for me and her to be on the same type of friendship level when she had essentially bailed on me. In my case I was partly frustrated because just as she was going through some shit, I was starting a new job, my boyfriend was in the hospital, etc., and I could have really used a friend. I felt like she was a person who only wanted to be friends with me when it was convenient for her, and that basically she was acting like her drama would ALWAYS be more tragic/real/important than mine. Essentially by dictating the terms of our friendship and contact in that way, she made me feel like I was a bit player or secondary character to the great saga of her life. As you can see, I was really really hurt.

What I would've appreciated in response to a text like that would've been an email or phone call (not a text back, texts get confusing) that was a realtalk check-in on how you're doing, why you're feeling so raw, etc., just as a kind of auditory reminder that I was still a part of your life and a valued friend. If she gets jerky or passive agressive during the conversation or in response to your email, then yeah, cut her off. But as it is, I know that if I had sent a text like that, it'd've been coming from a place of genuine hurt, not bitchiness.
posted by spunweb at 12:11 PM on March 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


The thing is, I kind of visualize this from both perspectives and I think they're both valid, they're both reactions I could see myself having.

I can see myself keeping a little distance from a mutual friend in the event of a breakup if I really didn't think I'd be able to stop myself from asking about the ex or if I didn't want to inadvertently hear about the ex or whatever. That hasn't been how I roll historically, but I don't think it's crazy.

But I'm also imagining that a friend told me that they needed some space from me because I was friends with their ex and they didn't want to hear or ask about the ex, and honestly, I'd be pretty irritated too. But I'd try my best to send periodic invites and if, after two months, I'd kept hearing, "I'm not ready yet," I'd probably give up. I don't think I'd put it like she did, but I understand why she did - she's frustrated because she thinks she's being treated unfairly.

During the most painful breakup of my life, I kept hanging around with a few of our mutual friends (though they were more my friends than the ex's). Yeah, it was painful to know that they could talk to the ex and I couldn't; painful to be reminded of things and painful when they'd mention something they'd done and be very careful not to mention who the plans had been with. But honestly, you just have to deal with it - you just have to let yourself get hurt a little. Build up some scar tissue. Let the little reminders happen and let yourself wince when they do. It sucks, but I truly believe it's the best approach.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:17 PM on March 13, 2013 [6 favorites]


When I went through a breakup after a LTR, we had some mutual friends that we both had very close relationships with. I did not stop talking to them. It was hard -- yeah -- but we tried to stay clear of the 'topic'. I requested no updates -- and got none.

I think her note was harsh, but she misses you.
posted by Lescha at 12:18 PM on March 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Did you tell her explicitly why you were taking space? Lacking that, if I were in her shoes, I would fully read someone stopping hanging out with me as a sign that they don't want to hang out with me anymore.
posted by spindrifter at 12:39 PM on March 13, 2013


I would not consider this person a friend.

Some people reach out to others for support when they're hurting, other people retreat to lick their wounds alone. If you are the latter type, then you're probably already aware that some people respect that need for space & silence, and some people find that off-putting or high-maintenance (as in, they're doing all the work to maintain the relationship) and will fade out of your life.

However, telling you your actions are ridiculous and silly, and giving you a vocal dramatic goodbye, are both quite rude. You may just not be a good fit as friends, and this situation has shown your differences clearly.
posted by headnsouth at 12:47 PM on March 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


I've been friend dumped due to breakups too, so I'm kinda sympathizing with her on this one. And she may have been friend-dumped enough in the past to see the signs and start freaking out. But her behavior is kind of rude as to how to handle the feelings of friend-dumping.

I concur that you need to have an actual talk with her if you don't want to lose her as a friend, though.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:06 PM on March 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm curious how mutual the friend was -- was she better friends with you or him? Had she known one of you much longer? Is she actually still friends with your ex?

I think the way she worded it was unfair, but having a friend dump you hurts too, and that's what you've done to her.
posted by jeather at 1:52 PM on March 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Well, a couple of things here.

1. You can mourn your relationship, but it sounds like you're sort of Miss Haversham-ing it up a bit. After a couple of months, I think a short drink after work would be a good thing.

2. We meet people under all circumstances, and you are rather throwing the baby out with the bath water here. If you like this person, then you should be willing to stretch a bit and meet her half-way.

So why not invite her out for a short drink, after work, before you have to "be at a class" or "meet your mom" or something like that. That way, there's an end point, and you'll get her in a small dose. You can expand the doses as you get back into the swing of things.

Rather than sending a text, call her, "Karen, I'm sorry, I'm kind of screwed up over this whole breakup. I haven't seen anyone, I've just been in my cave licking my wounds. I've got a hour or so before I have to go to this dumb networking thing for work on Wednesday, how about I meet you at Finsters for a quick one?"

If you reach out, she'll be more than happy to meet up with you. Have a few non-boy topics of conversation, and if she's any kind of friend, she'll pick up what you're putting down. If she insists on bringing up your ex, then look at your wrist and say, "Look at the time! I've got to dash. So good to see you!" Then give her an airkiss and block her number forever.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:16 PM on March 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


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