What to do when you're the asshole in the relationship?
March 12, 2013 7:23 PM Subscribe
So, I was a bad ex-girlfriend and a shitty friend. What now?
I was in an on-and-off relationship with my (now-ex)boyfriend Adam for about a year. While our relationship was never very serious, we were very good friends throughout, and spent most of our free time together. In the last month or so, I saw some relationship red flags that I couldn't really look past. (Adam would get very jealous of me talking to other men, would make comments about what "men should" do and "women should" do, and had a bad temper that was starting to flare up more and more.) I broke up with him, which he says he saw coming, and we agreed to stay friends. His traditionalism wasn't going to work for me in a long-term relationship, but we have cared for each other through a lot of difficult experiences, and this is a friendship that I value.
Here comes the part where I'm an asshole. A few nights after Adam and I broke up, I slept with an acquaintance of mine, Brian. It was fun and rebound-y and completely selfish.
Adam and I kept talking on a daily basis. I didn't tell him anything about Brian, which I justified to myself because Adam and I were broken up. He flirted with me, and I flirted back because that's really the only way we've ever known how to communicate with one another. (I recognize that this was a mistake.)
Today, (about a week after sleeping with Brian) Adam came to me with a grandiose speech about fate and commitment and wanting to get back together. I told him about Brian. Even though we were broken up, it felt like something he deserved to know if he was still holding out hope that we would get back together. He responded with a hearty "fuck you."
While I don't think that was polite or respectful, I feel like it may have been deserved. I would never say "fuck you" to someone I cared about, but I understand that he is hurt, and that it's my fault. While I technically wasn't "breaking the rules," I also wasn't respecting our relationship or our friendship. I have a lot of guilt and anxiety, and I feel like I fucked up in a big way. Is there any way to feel better about this and make amends other than saying, "You made a mistake, learn from it and move on"?
I was in an on-and-off relationship with my (now-ex)boyfriend Adam for about a year. While our relationship was never very serious, we were very good friends throughout, and spent most of our free time together. In the last month or so, I saw some relationship red flags that I couldn't really look past. (Adam would get very jealous of me talking to other men, would make comments about what "men should" do and "women should" do, and had a bad temper that was starting to flare up more and more.) I broke up with him, which he says he saw coming, and we agreed to stay friends. His traditionalism wasn't going to work for me in a long-term relationship, but we have cared for each other through a lot of difficult experiences, and this is a friendship that I value.
Here comes the part where I'm an asshole. A few nights after Adam and I broke up, I slept with an acquaintance of mine, Brian. It was fun and rebound-y and completely selfish.
Adam and I kept talking on a daily basis. I didn't tell him anything about Brian, which I justified to myself because Adam and I were broken up. He flirted with me, and I flirted back because that's really the only way we've ever known how to communicate with one another. (I recognize that this was a mistake.)
Today, (about a week after sleeping with Brian) Adam came to me with a grandiose speech about fate and commitment and wanting to get back together. I told him about Brian. Even though we were broken up, it felt like something he deserved to know if he was still holding out hope that we would get back together. He responded with a hearty "fuck you."
While I don't think that was polite or respectful, I feel like it may have been deserved. I would never say "fuck you" to someone I cared about, but I understand that he is hurt, and that it's my fault. While I technically wasn't "breaking the rules," I also wasn't respecting our relationship or our friendship. I have a lot of guilt and anxiety, and I feel like I fucked up in a big way. Is there any way to feel better about this and make amends other than saying, "You made a mistake, learn from it and move on"?
Here comes the part where I'm an asshole. A few nights after Adam and I broke up, I slept with an acquaintance of mine, Brian. It was fun and rebound-y and completely selfish.
Huh? No. Nothing about this question makes any sense, if it's true that you were broken up. You dated a jerk and then broke up. You moved on. Your ex was recently rude to you. Continue moving on.
posted by bleep at 7:27 PM on March 12, 2013 [41 favorites]
Huh? No. Nothing about this question makes any sense, if it's true that you were broken up. You dated a jerk and then broke up. You moved on. Your ex was recently rude to you. Continue moving on.
posted by bleep at 7:27 PM on March 12, 2013 [41 favorites]
What's the part that you did wrong?
posted by small_ruminant at 7:29 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by small_ruminant at 7:29 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yeah, you broke up with the dude which made the visitor's log for your pants no longer his business. It hurt him to know you did it because he's not over you, but that doesn't mean you actually done wrong.
posted by Andrhia at 7:29 PM on March 12, 2013 [38 favorites]
posted by Andrhia at 7:29 PM on March 12, 2013 [38 favorites]
I also wasn't respecting our relationship or our friendship.
You were no longer in a relationship at this point, so that's entirely moot.
As for your friendship with Adam - well, firstly you yourself recognise that it probably wasn't the best idea to continue the friendship in the same vein immediately after breaking up. Maybe your friendship with Adam won't be salvageable (though it sounds like he behaved like a jerk in several ways, both during and after your relationship, and those things that you point out as red flags seem like excellent reasons to cut off contact).
But either way, as others have pointed out, you are in the clear here. Rebound flings are common for a reason, and for Adam to treat you like you were in the wrong for engaging in one sounds really problematic.
posted by littlegreen at 7:30 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
You were no longer in a relationship at this point, so that's entirely moot.
As for your friendship with Adam - well, firstly you yourself recognise that it probably wasn't the best idea to continue the friendship in the same vein immediately after breaking up. Maybe your friendship with Adam won't be salvageable (though it sounds like he behaved like a jerk in several ways, both during and after your relationship, and those things that you point out as red flags seem like excellent reasons to cut off contact).
But either way, as others have pointed out, you are in the clear here. Rebound flings are common for a reason, and for Adam to treat you like you were in the wrong for engaging in one sounds really problematic.
posted by littlegreen at 7:30 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Toss another one on the pile of "you did nothing wrong."
It is not your responsibility to be psychically aware of Adam's feelings towards you at any given moment, particularly if you are no longer in a monogamous sexual relationship with him.
The only way you could possibly have done something wrong is if the discussion you had with Adam when you guys broke up was less clear than you wrote that it was. If he thought you guys were still together and you didn't, there's a slim chance that he has some justification to be angry. But only angry that you were unclear with him, not that you wanted to end the relationship. He doesn't get to say who you do or do not sleep with, even if your friendship is flirtatious.
posted by Mizu at 7:33 PM on March 12, 2013
It is not your responsibility to be psychically aware of Adam's feelings towards you at any given moment, particularly if you are no longer in a monogamous sexual relationship with him.
The only way you could possibly have done something wrong is if the discussion you had with Adam when you guys broke up was less clear than you wrote that it was. If he thought you guys were still together and you didn't, there's a slim chance that he has some justification to be angry. But only angry that you were unclear with him, not that you wanted to end the relationship. He doesn't get to say who you do or do not sleep with, even if your friendship is flirtatious.
posted by Mizu at 7:33 PM on March 12, 2013
Well, flirting with Adam when you had no intention of acting upon it was poor form, as was blurting out the unnecessary info about boning Brian. But on the scale of harmful things done post-breakup, neither are Hague Tribunal-worthy. Learn from it, and move on.
posted by nacho fries at 7:34 PM on March 12, 2013 [16 favorites]
posted by nacho fries at 7:34 PM on March 12, 2013 [16 favorites]
There's nothing wrong with sleeping with someone when you're single, whether it's a day or a year or an hour after you've broken up. Your sex life is your business, not anybody else's. You did nothing wrong.
posted by xingcat at 7:34 PM on March 12, 2013
posted by xingcat at 7:34 PM on March 12, 2013
Aw, c'mon, I'm all for everybody doing what they want, but if we're going to take "the visitor's log for your pants no longer his business" to its logical conclusion, that would also mean there was no reason to crack the visitor's log open and let Adam know who had signed since he last visited and perhaps OP feels like a bit of an ass because her motives for giving Adam a peek at the book weren't 100% pure.
On the plus side, Adam has learned a bit about fate and whether the universe has a guiding hand and that 25 will be better than 24.
None of which means you did anything wrong, just that I'm guessing your guilt stems from telling Adam something you now thing you didn't need to mention.
posted by yerfatma at 7:35 PM on March 12, 2013 [15 favorites]
On the plus side, Adam has learned a bit about fate and whether the universe has a guiding hand and that 25 will be better than 24.
None of which means you did anything wrong, just that I'm guessing your guilt stems from telling Adam something you now thing you didn't need to mention.
posted by yerfatma at 7:35 PM on March 12, 2013 [15 favorites]
Another person who thinks you did nothing wrong, and that Adam was wayyy over the line with his "Fuck you!" You were broken up, therefore he had no claim on or expectation of your fidelity. Not just no reasonable claim, NO claim.
Hell, you could have slept with Brian the night you broke up with Adam (after breaking up, I mean), and it still would be none of Adam's business.
IMO, this is in line with the red flags you say you were noticing: very jealous of me talking to other men, would make comments about what "men should" do and "women should" do, and had a bad temper that was starting to flare up more and more.
Jealous? Check.
Ideas of what you "should" do (you "should" have remained celibate until some as-yet-unspecified-time when it would be okay with him)? Check.
Bad temper flaring up? Check.
Consider yourself lucky to have ended it when you did.
posted by Lexica at 7:39 PM on March 12, 2013 [12 favorites]
Hell, you could have slept with Brian the night you broke up with Adam (after breaking up, I mean), and it still would be none of Adam's business.
IMO, this is in line with the red flags you say you were noticing: very jealous of me talking to other men, would make comments about what "men should" do and "women should" do, and had a bad temper that was starting to flare up more and more.
Jealous? Check.
Ideas of what you "should" do (you "should" have remained celibate until some as-yet-unspecified-time when it would be okay with him)? Check.
Bad temper flaring up? Check.
Consider yourself lucky to have ended it when you did.
posted by Lexica at 7:39 PM on March 12, 2013 [12 favorites]
Is there any way to feel better about this and make amends other than saying, "You made a mistake, learn from it and move on"?
How about "You just dodged a bullet and taught a friend a valuable lesson on the consequences of acting like a controlling prick, so well done you"?
posted by flabdablet at 7:40 PM on March 12, 2013 [7 favorites]
How about "You just dodged a bullet and taught a friend a valuable lesson on the consequences of acting like a controlling prick, so well done you"?
posted by flabdablet at 7:40 PM on March 12, 2013 [7 favorites]
Speaking as a guy named Adam, I assure you that you did nothing wrong.
posted by adamrice at 7:42 PM on March 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by adamrice at 7:42 PM on March 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
I did exactly the same thing once, except I didn't tell A about B.
A and I continued our friendship, and over the next six months I gave up waiting for him to grow up and cut it out with the jealousy and subtle sexist remarks and moved on. I imagine you will too. If you are a worrier and you must worry about something - spend some worrying about how you feel.
I guarantee you it will feel better than spending your time worrying about his feelings.
posted by empatterson at 7:44 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
A and I continued our friendship, and over the next six months I gave up waiting for him to grow up and cut it out with the jealousy and subtle sexist remarks and moved on. I imagine you will too. If you are a worrier and you must worry about something - spend some worrying about how you feel.
I guarantee you it will feel better than spending your time worrying about his feelings.
posted by empatterson at 7:44 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
You did nothing wrong by sleeping with B.
It was a little, teeny-weeny bit assy, maybe, to blurt it out to A in that manner.
posted by gaspode at 7:47 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
It was a little, teeny-weeny bit assy, maybe, to blurt it out to A in that manner.
posted by gaspode at 7:47 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Maybe you weren't wrong, but if the shoe was in the other foot--how would you feel? You don't have to tell everything you know. You don't have to say what pops into your head. If you thought you were giving a reason as to why you could never get back together, maybe you could have just said that you didn't want to and stopped talking. Men have feelings too.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:51 PM on March 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 7:51 PM on March 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
You did nothing wrong, but you feel shitty. The question is Why?
People often feel worse when they are technically in the right, but consciously, not so comfortable with their legal action. You slept with Brian immediately after breaking up with a loved one. You then told him, likely because it was weighing on you. He reacted because he realized you slept with someone so quickly after a relationship with you.
You did nothing wrong. But you just realized the delicate balance you have with emotions and decisions within you. Use this self realization in future paths.
posted by Kruger5 at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
People often feel worse when they are technically in the right, but consciously, not so comfortable with their legal action. You slept with Brian immediately after breaking up with a loved one. You then told him, likely because it was weighing on you. He reacted because he realized you slept with someone so quickly after a relationship with you.
You did nothing wrong. But you just realized the delicate balance you have with emotions and decisions within you. Use this self realization in future paths.
posted by Kruger5 at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Mod note: Answer helpfully without the loaded sarcasm and hyperbole, thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2013
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2013
It ends how it ends. Just take care of yourself. Adam's a big boy, and he'll probably be fine. Give him time and space and don't worry about how it ends. You can't control it, and you shouldn't try to control how he feels about you. Give him time and space.
posted by discopolo at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
"It's none of his business" is great advice until the OP decided to make it Adam's business. "He deserved to know if he was going to hold out hope" is rather thin. If OP didn't want Adam to hold out hope for a reunion, there are ways of expressing that sentiment without telling him things that everyone seems to agree are none of his business.
I do not see the point in you two continuing any sort of relationship. Move on.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:56 PM on March 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
I do not see the point in you two continuing any sort of relationship. Move on.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:56 PM on March 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
I feel like I was giving him false hope and being implicitly dishonest, even though I didn't lie to him. This man has been very good to me, despite some of his misguided beliefs. I just don't want to end things on this note.
I don't think you did anything that terrible. If anyone caused it to end on a bad note, don't you think it's him? Count me as another person who feels that it's lucky for you that you got to experience this terrible side of him now before you wasted any more of your time.
posted by mustard seeds at 7:56 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think you did anything that terrible. If anyone caused it to end on a bad note, don't you think it's him? Count me as another person who feels that it's lucky for you that you got to experience this terrible side of him now before you wasted any more of your time.
posted by mustard seeds at 7:56 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
You really should end things on this note. This kind of emotional warfare and all of this "You hurt my feelings!" stuff after a breakup while waiting for the next breakup is no fun. Wait for someone who makes you happy.
posted by bleep at 7:56 PM on March 12, 2013
posted by bleep at 7:56 PM on March 12, 2013
There's no hold time on breakups, even though many people would like to think there is. There's no "we've broken up but you can't sleep with anyone else for X number of days" rule.
You did nothing wrong, if he feels sad about anything you did that's his AskMe to pay five dollars to deal with, and the hell with him, really.
posted by padraigin at 7:57 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
You did nothing wrong, if he feels sad about anything you did that's his AskMe to pay five dollars to deal with, and the hell with him, really.
posted by padraigin at 7:57 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Ok so you two broke up, but you didn't really, necessarily, totally break up because you two have this history and there may have been an implicit assumption you were just in a huge fight, not that this was a real and final break up.
I still don't think you did anything wrong, but I understand how things got murky. I can see how you would feel guilty basically furthering the belief that you two would probably get back together, but at the end of the day you two did break up. You are in fact allowed to break up with someone, go out and sleep with someone else, and then a few days later entertain reconciliation. It may feel weird emotionally to make that jump back and forth, but you didn't break any commitment to anyone, even if you still felt a strong emotional connection to your ex.
Sometimes people get hurt, but just because someone gets hurt doesn't mean there is necessarily someone who did something wrong. It generally sucks when you find out your ex has moved on for the first time, it doesn't mean your ex is an asshole for doing so. Your ex is taking his pain out on you and that's not fair. So yeah you aren't an asshole, he is and hopefully he'll come around to that realization in the near future.
posted by whoaali at 8:00 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I still don't think you did anything wrong, but I understand how things got murky. I can see how you would feel guilty basically furthering the belief that you two would probably get back together, but at the end of the day you two did break up. You are in fact allowed to break up with someone, go out and sleep with someone else, and then a few days later entertain reconciliation. It may feel weird emotionally to make that jump back and forth, but you didn't break any commitment to anyone, even if you still felt a strong emotional connection to your ex.
Sometimes people get hurt, but just because someone gets hurt doesn't mean there is necessarily someone who did something wrong. It generally sucks when you find out your ex has moved on for the first time, it doesn't mean your ex is an asshole for doing so. Your ex is taking his pain out on you and that's not fair. So yeah you aren't an asshole, he is and hopefully he'll come around to that realization in the near future.
posted by whoaali at 8:00 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
What you're feeling, by the way, is a natural consequence of failing to follow the standard advice about breaking off all contact until the person you've just broken up with is ready to see you as a person instead of mainly as a past or potential partner.
Breaking up sucks. It just does.
The only thing that sucks worse than breaking up is enduring years of grinding misery with the wrong partner for fear of the suckiness of breaking up.
Sounds to me like you broke up for good and sufficient reasons. Don't let Mr. Controlling make his emotions your fault. They're not even your problem. Yes, I understand that you still care about how things go for him; that's only natural. But you really, really need to accept that as the person who initiated the breakup, helping him come to terms with it is not your job. That's what his other friends are for.
posted by flabdablet at 8:11 PM on March 12, 2013 [10 favorites]
Breaking up sucks. It just does.
The only thing that sucks worse than breaking up is enduring years of grinding misery with the wrong partner for fear of the suckiness of breaking up.
Sounds to me like you broke up for good and sufficient reasons. Don't let Mr. Controlling make his emotions your fault. They're not even your problem. Yes, I understand that you still care about how things go for him; that's only natural. But you really, really need to accept that as the person who initiated the breakup, helping him come to terms with it is not your job. That's what his other friends are for.
posted by flabdablet at 8:11 PM on March 12, 2013 [10 favorites]
Most of my guilt is from carrying on with Adam like nothing was wrong, still talking/flirting even though I had slept with someone else.
I think this is a good cue to end on again/off again relationships once the pattern starts to emerge. It sounds like both Adam and you were treating the breakup as a kind of prelude to getting back together. That's ultimately going to be painful and messy once you're "off again" for good.
So, I don't think you did anything immoral, but perhaps you could think of some of your decision-making as unwise, and decide to do things differently next time (and not with Adam ever again).
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:12 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think this is a good cue to end on again/off again relationships once the pattern starts to emerge. It sounds like both Adam and you were treating the breakup as a kind of prelude to getting back together. That's ultimately going to be painful and messy once you're "off again" for good.
So, I don't think you did anything immoral, but perhaps you could think of some of your decision-making as unwise, and decide to do things differently next time (and not with Adam ever again).
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:12 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Look, given the kind of history that it sounds like you two had, it probably isn't worth trying to sort out who did what to whom. It's time to go no-contact and just work on processing your own side of the emotional trauma you've been through (relationships with a lot of big fights and breaking up and getting back together again are traumatic) on your own, without interference from Adam. It's entirely possible that neither of you behaved very well in this relationship, but you're at the point now where attempting to salvage it is only going to perpetuate the cycle of emotional warfare (great term, bleep) between the two of you.
It's too late to fix it. It's too late for closure. It's too late to try to total up everything that each of you ever did against each other in some kind of attempt to assign ultimate blame. It is time to move on, cut ties, and work on healing yourself and untangling your own emotions.
The good news? You are free. You are free from the accusation and blame, you are free from having to justify everything you do, you are free from your controlling partner, you are free from trying to mold your life around the desires of someone with whom you are incompatible, you are free from the fights and the breaking up and the making up and the whole painful cycle. It will only get better from here.
posted by Scientist at 8:16 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's too late to fix it. It's too late for closure. It's too late to try to total up everything that each of you ever did against each other in some kind of attempt to assign ultimate blame. It is time to move on, cut ties, and work on healing yourself and untangling your own emotions.
The good news? You are free. You are free from the accusation and blame, you are free from having to justify everything you do, you are free from your controlling partner, you are free from trying to mold your life around the desires of someone with whom you are incompatible, you are free from the fights and the breaking up and the making up and the whole painful cycle. It will only get better from here.
posted by Scientist at 8:16 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
You did do something wrong, you told A about sleeping with B. You should have just said "No we can't be together sorry." and then continued to be friends. Now you can't be. Not that big a deal, but yeah, shouldn't have told him.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:17 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:17 PM on March 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
For those who are wondering why the OP feels like an asshole, it's because she sort of sees herself as listening to Adam give a big speech about fate and love, and her replying with, "Well I just went out and fucked someone, what do you think of that, huh?"
The OP didn't do anything wrong in the "betrayal" sense, but I think she did sense intuitively that she had an opportunity to say something that would be crushing to Adam at an opportune moment and reached out to grab it.
I don't have any advice, really, other than many times we act really poorly in relationships sometimes. This stuff sucks.
posted by deanc at 8:19 PM on March 12, 2013 [15 favorites]
The OP didn't do anything wrong in the "betrayal" sense, but I think she did sense intuitively that she had an opportunity to say something that would be crushing to Adam at an opportune moment and reached out to grab it.
I don't have any advice, really, other than many times we act really poorly in relationships sometimes. This stuff sucks.
posted by deanc at 8:19 PM on March 12, 2013 [15 favorites]
I was going to say what Potomac Avenue said - that your only wrong move was telling Adam about what happened with Brian. Because you knew it would be hurtful to him, and you told him anyway, and he didn't need to know.
But I've changed my mind. I think actually maybe you did need to tell Adam about Brian on some level. Not in an ethical sense, just a personal one. You say you've had an on-again, off-again relationship with Adam and that you don't know how to talk to him without flirting.
May I suggest that you knew that you wouldn't be able to go "no contact" with Adam, and that you might even get back together with him, should he give you a grandiose speech about fate and forgiveness. Perhaps your subconscious prodded you to sleep with Brian, and then to tell Adam about it, to help you with something your conscious self couldn't do. Yes, the mature thing would have been to just tell Adam that you were serious about the break up, and that you need to not talk to each other for a while until he gets over you. Sleeping with Brian then telling Adam about it is another way of accomplishing the same thing (although I suppose he may not forgive you as easily for this as he would have if you simply told him to leave you alone for a while). So I'm not going to say it was the "right" thing to do, but the consequences aren't necessarily all bad, either.
I would just end by saying please don't try to apologize to him or "make it up" to him or whatever else is implied by "I don't want things to end this way". That's just inviting him to insult or engage in further conflict with you, or otherwise generate dramaz. Leave him alone for now, if in the future, you can become friends again, when all this is far behind you, then great. If not, then not, and try not to lose sleep about it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:27 PM on March 12, 2013 [13 favorites]
But I've changed my mind. I think actually maybe you did need to tell Adam about Brian on some level. Not in an ethical sense, just a personal one. You say you've had an on-again, off-again relationship with Adam and that you don't know how to talk to him without flirting.
May I suggest that you knew that you wouldn't be able to go "no contact" with Adam, and that you might even get back together with him, should he give you a grandiose speech about fate and forgiveness. Perhaps your subconscious prodded you to sleep with Brian, and then to tell Adam about it, to help you with something your conscious self couldn't do. Yes, the mature thing would have been to just tell Adam that you were serious about the break up, and that you need to not talk to each other for a while until he gets over you. Sleeping with Brian then telling Adam about it is another way of accomplishing the same thing (although I suppose he may not forgive you as easily for this as he would have if you simply told him to leave you alone for a while). So I'm not going to say it was the "right" thing to do, but the consequences aren't necessarily all bad, either.
I would just end by saying please don't try to apologize to him or "make it up" to him or whatever else is implied by "I don't want things to end this way". That's just inviting him to insult or engage in further conflict with you, or otherwise generate dramaz. Leave him alone for now, if in the future, you can become friends again, when all this is far behind you, then great. If not, then not, and try not to lose sleep about it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:27 PM on March 12, 2013 [13 favorites]
Is there any way to feel better about this and make amends other than saying, "You made a mistake, learn from it and move on"?
Time.
There's almost no way to make break-ups not suck.
posted by empath at 8:28 PM on March 12, 2013
Time.
There's almost no way to make break-ups not suck.
posted by empath at 8:28 PM on March 12, 2013
Most of my guilt is from carrying on with Adam like nothing was wrong, still talking/flirting even though I had slept with someone else. So... to fix this, you have to do things with your own self. Broadly, you know what made you feel guilty, so you can figure out what to do to not feel guilty. That is, cut down on those things. You can make a specific list, if it helps, of the behaviors and actions that are not good (that add guilt) and those that are acceptable to your standards (that don't prick your conscience).
You are responsible for you. Whatever happened with Adam has happened, but you are now responsible for your own behavior and you can go forward with these changes, which will help have more confidence in yourself and make it easier to live with yourself.
Does that help?
posted by ramenopres at 8:34 PM on March 12, 2013
You are responsible for you. Whatever happened with Adam has happened, but you are now responsible for your own behavior and you can go forward with these changes, which will help have more confidence in yourself and make it easier to live with yourself.
Does that help?
posted by ramenopres at 8:34 PM on March 12, 2013
I think you have mis-identified when you were crappy. Your body is your business. It was sharing information that you knew would upset him - "don't be mad" requests or not - that was the lousy thing to do.
Sure, "I knew that he would feel differently if he knew I had slept with someone else" may be a reason to tell someone something hurtful but it's not a good reason nor was it necessary. All you had to do was say "I'm not interested in getting back together." You can elaborate with "I don't think it's good for either of us" if you like but it's not needed.
After all, you declined the overture not because you'd had this sexual encounter but because you didn't want to get back together, no? So sharing unnecessary information that hurts him - even if it's not really any of his business - serves no purpose but causing pain and maybe making his pursuit shorter.
But really, so what? In the realm of offenses this is pretty minor. Apologize or not (for the the sharing, not for making your own choices about your body) and move on. We all make mistakes and they serve us better if we learn from them and forgive ourselves rather than torturing ourselves over them.
posted by phearlez at 8:40 PM on March 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
Sure, "I knew that he would feel differently if he knew I had slept with someone else" may be a reason to tell someone something hurtful but it's not a good reason nor was it necessary. All you had to do was say "I'm not interested in getting back together." You can elaborate with "I don't think it's good for either of us" if you like but it's not needed.
After all, you declined the overture not because you'd had this sexual encounter but because you didn't want to get back together, no? So sharing unnecessary information that hurts him - even if it's not really any of his business - serves no purpose but causing pain and maybe making his pursuit shorter.
But really, so what? In the realm of offenses this is pretty minor. Apologize or not (for the the sharing, not for making your own choices about your body) and move on. We all make mistakes and they serve us better if we learn from them and forgive ourselves rather than torturing ourselves over them.
posted by phearlez at 8:40 PM on March 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
But really, so what? In the realm of offenses this is pretty minor. Apologize or not (for the the sharing, not for making your own choices about your body) and move on. We all make mistakes and they serve us better if we learn from them and forgive ourselves rather than torturing ourselves over them.
I think for regular readers of ask.metafilter, this particular incident wouldn't even rate a 1 on a 1-5 scale of post-break-up misadventures.
posted by empath at 8:48 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think for regular readers of ask.metafilter, this particular incident wouldn't even rate a 1 on a 1-5 scale of post-break-up misadventures.
posted by empath at 8:48 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think it speaks well of the OP that she's willing to look at her behaviour and say 'I acted in ways that hurt someone unnecessarily, and I wish I hadn't done that'.
We each have our own moral compass for what is 'wrong'. Personally, I would feel that sleeping with Brian was not 'wrong', but that continuing the flirty interaction with the ex + telling him that I slept with Brian was, in fact, 'wrong'. As in, those were bad decisions because they caused avoidable hurt to someone I care about.
I don't think you 'fucked up in a big way', but I do think you fucked up in a small way.
If I were you, I'd feel better if I wrote the ex a note saying that a) you want to be 'really' broken up this time, and b) you are sorry that your post-breakup behaviour hurt him, but c) you consider yourself a free agent, and you think it best for both of you to cease all contact.
And then stick to it.
posted by Salamander at 9:07 PM on March 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
We each have our own moral compass for what is 'wrong'. Personally, I would feel that sleeping with Brian was not 'wrong', but that continuing the flirty interaction with the ex + telling him that I slept with Brian was, in fact, 'wrong'. As in, those were bad decisions because they caused avoidable hurt to someone I care about.
I don't think you 'fucked up in a big way', but I do think you fucked up in a small way.
If I were you, I'd feel better if I wrote the ex a note saying that a) you want to be 'really' broken up this time, and b) you are sorry that your post-breakup behaviour hurt him, but c) you consider yourself a free agent, and you think it best for both of you to cease all contact.
And then stick to it.
posted by Salamander at 9:07 PM on March 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
Just because someone's feelings are hurt doesn't mean you did anything wrong. That said, as others above have noted, you could have handled things more smoothly. So just tell him that: you're sorry your actions hurt him and it's probably best if you restrict contact right now. And then you move on. That's it.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 9:39 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by hapax_legomenon at 9:39 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am going to second treehorn+bunny and say that I think you probably slept with Brian as a way of preventing yourself from getting back together with Adam. Which was a good move, honestly, because Adam sounds like kind of an ass, and your break up / get together / break up cycle sounds dramarifically exhausting.
It wasn't very nice to tell Adam in precisely the way that you did, but it wasn't evil, either, and he did not handle it very maturely. I think it's time to find yourself some new friends.
posted by BlueJae at 9:40 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
It wasn't very nice to tell Adam in precisely the way that you did, but it wasn't evil, either, and he did not handle it very maturely. I think it's time to find yourself some new friends.
posted by BlueJae at 9:40 PM on March 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Thirding the agreement with treehorn+bunny. In a way, I sort of did the same after a long, extremely possessive (abusive) relationship. I had broken up with the guy many times, and always ended up going back, whether after a few days or a few months... so the last time, it had been a few months and he was increasing the pressure and calling me constantly etc... and I accepted a date from another guy. Guy A was so insanely jealous, that I knew in my heart that this in itself would probably turn him off me forever; when I slept with the new guy, I was basically signing my name to the contract of the breakup - there was no way I would go back to guy A, because I wouldn't be able to live with myself lying about it and he would never take me back if he knew.
It was conscious and purposeful, though, whereas your action probably wasn't.
However, I understand why you feel bad. Adam thought you were still kinda-sorta together, or if not, at least thought you still had some sort of deep bond that would prevent you screwing someone else any time soon. The flirting probably did encourage that; that wasn't very nice of you, I do agree. But even if you had dropped contact completely, I bet you he is the sort of person who would think getting together with someone else within a very, very long range of time, would mean you never took the relationship between you & him all that seriously. That's the kind of mentality the traditional, jealous-type guy has - a girl who can sleep with someone else a few days after a breakup, obviously never really loved you; she's probably shallow and slutty. To make a long story short, yes, you dodged a bullet in that regard.
What to do now? I don't think you guys are really going to remain friends. His perspective of you has probably changed, due not only to the fact that you hurt his feelings, but also because he now thinks you are flaky and shallow and don't understand those deep concepts like commitment and "fate." He probably thinks HE dodged a bullet, in fact.
posted by celtalitha at 10:36 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
It was conscious and purposeful, though, whereas your action probably wasn't.
However, I understand why you feel bad. Adam thought you were still kinda-sorta together, or if not, at least thought you still had some sort of deep bond that would prevent you screwing someone else any time soon. The flirting probably did encourage that; that wasn't very nice of you, I do agree. But even if you had dropped contact completely, I bet you he is the sort of person who would think getting together with someone else within a very, very long range of time, would mean you never took the relationship between you & him all that seriously. That's the kind of mentality the traditional, jealous-type guy has - a girl who can sleep with someone else a few days after a breakup, obviously never really loved you; she's probably shallow and slutty. To make a long story short, yes, you dodged a bullet in that regard.
What to do now? I don't think you guys are really going to remain friends. His perspective of you has probably changed, due not only to the fact that you hurt his feelings, but also because he now thinks you are flaky and shallow and don't understand those deep concepts like commitment and "fate." He probably thinks HE dodged a bullet, in fact.
posted by celtalitha at 10:36 PM on March 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Why did you need to tell him that you had sex with someone else? Why couldn't you just tell him that you didn't see you two getting back together. That you don't want to get back together.
Of course sleeping with someone after you broke up wasn't wrong, but telling him this detail was over the line. It's viscerally painful to know this sort of thing when you've just broken up. It was unnecessary for you to tell him.
And - I've said it before, and I'll say it again. No contact after breakups often the best way to go. No contact, no contact, no contact.
posted by victory_laser at 12:39 AM on March 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Of course sleeping with someone after you broke up wasn't wrong, but telling him this detail was over the line. It's viscerally painful to know this sort of thing when you've just broken up. It was unnecessary for you to tell him.
And - I've said it before, and I'll say it again. No contact after breakups often the best way to go. No contact, no contact, no contact.
posted by victory_laser at 12:39 AM on March 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
His freaking out over the fact that you slept with someone else while you were not in a relationship with him is just yet another sign that this guy isn't good for you.
He's entitled to be upset that you're not together. He's not entitled to be upset at what you decide to do with your own body. And saying "fuck you" to someone is really not OK to someone you supposedly want to be in a relationship with, or indeed to pretty much anyone ever. Adam was at least as much of an asshole as you supposedly were.
Adam was probably hurt, for sure. But you can't control that. It's not within your purview. People feel how they feel, no matter how much you might want them to feel something else. There are things you can do to encourage people to feel things differently - saying you're not interested in a relationship vs. saying you slept with someone else for example - but you can only influence, not control. If Adam is the sort of guy to respond like that when faced with bad news, there's even less that you can do because he doesn't have an adult grasp of the situation. It's OK for you to be bothered by how things are, but it's important to remember that Adam is an adult and therefore subject to whims and conceits that are out of your control.
posted by Solomon at 12:40 AM on March 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
He's entitled to be upset that you're not together. He's not entitled to be upset at what you decide to do with your own body. And saying "fuck you" to someone is really not OK to someone you supposedly want to be in a relationship with, or indeed to pretty much anyone ever. Adam was at least as much of an asshole as you supposedly were.
Adam was probably hurt, for sure. But you can't control that. It's not within your purview. People feel how they feel, no matter how much you might want them to feel something else. There are things you can do to encourage people to feel things differently - saying you're not interested in a relationship vs. saying you slept with someone else for example - but you can only influence, not control. If Adam is the sort of guy to respond like that when faced with bad news, there's even less that you can do because he doesn't have an adult grasp of the situation. It's OK for you to be bothered by how things are, but it's important to remember that Adam is an adult and therefore subject to whims and conceits that are out of your control.
posted by Solomon at 12:40 AM on March 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yet another reason why, even if you have an amicable breakup, you should do No Contact.
Now you get to defriend Adam on Facebook, Instagram, etc. Block his number, erase his from your phone.
You can't control how other people feel, and you FOR SURE should not live your life based on what someone else may or may not think about it.
You've learned a lesson.
You didn't do anything really wrong, except that you didn't protect yourself. Rectify that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:01 AM on March 13, 2013
Now you get to defriend Adam on Facebook, Instagram, etc. Block his number, erase his from your phone.
You can't control how other people feel, and you FOR SURE should not live your life based on what someone else may or may not think about it.
You've learned a lesson.
You didn't do anything really wrong, except that you didn't protect yourself. Rectify that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:01 AM on March 13, 2013
If you slept with Brian to hurt Adam, that was kind of jerky. But if you slept with him because you wanted to, and Adam is freaking out about it, he's the one being jerky. If you slept with Brian because you wanted to AND you knew it would get you and Adam off the on-again-off-again relationship cycle, hell, nice move.
The fact that Adam is taking this personally is offensive to me. He doesn't own you or your sexuality. The fact that you've bought into the idea that he does is something you might want to explore in therapy before your next relationship.
posted by spindrifter at 6:45 AM on March 13, 2013
The fact that Adam is taking this personally is offensive to me. He doesn't own you or your sexuality. The fact that you've bought into the idea that he does is something you might want to explore in therapy before your next relationship.
posted by spindrifter at 6:45 AM on March 13, 2013
I think context matters. Now, normally, no, you don't tell your recent ex that you slept with someone else. But in the context of a shitty, drama-filled relationship it's hard to do the right, responsible thing. When you find yourself in a relationship with someone who isn't sexist and crazy, you probably won't find yourself blurting out hurtful things just to get some breathing room.
posted by ziggly at 8:36 AM on March 13, 2013
posted by ziggly at 8:36 AM on March 13, 2013
I think you told Adam about the guy you slept with to keep him at arm's reach. Good instinct! Keep it that way.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:11 AM on March 13, 2013
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:11 AM on March 13, 2013
Is there any way to feel better about this and make amends other than saying, "You made a mistake, learn from it and move on"?
Call Adam up, say, "I wanted to follow up on our conversation from the previous time. My response to your 'Fuck you', is, 'No, fuck you.'" Then hang up and don't talk to him again until/unless he calls to apologize. (That means he has to say sorry for being a dick without expecting anything from you in return.)
You're not in the wrong here. Even if you slept with Brian only because you knew it would upset Adam, you still didn't do anything wrong. You had a verbal contract with Party A, the contract ended on date mmddyy, you were therefore not bound by that verbal contract for dates after mmddyy. And I say that as a person who's been in Adam's shoes before. Yes, it hurt me not to be with xyz, and it absolutely tore me up to find out that she was intimate with abc, and I was a complete asshole about it. And no, it wasn't right for me to act that way about it at all.
posted by disconnect at 1:19 PM on March 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Call Adam up, say, "I wanted to follow up on our conversation from the previous time. My response to your 'Fuck you', is, 'No, fuck you.'" Then hang up and don't talk to him again until/unless he calls to apologize. (That means he has to say sorry for being a dick without expecting anything from you in return.)
You're not in the wrong here. Even if you slept with Brian only because you knew it would upset Adam, you still didn't do anything wrong. You had a verbal contract with Party A, the contract ended on date mmddyy, you were therefore not bound by that verbal contract for dates after mmddyy. And I say that as a person who's been in Adam's shoes before. Yes, it hurt me not to be with xyz, and it absolutely tore me up to find out that she was intimate with abc, and I was a complete asshole about it. And no, it wasn't right for me to act that way about it at all.
posted by disconnect at 1:19 PM on March 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I agree that your sleeping with Brian is not wrong... You can sleep with whoever you like.
Telling Adam, however, probably wasn't the best move. There are other ways to convey "no, we are never ever ever getting back together" than "hey, I slept with so and so." I don't understand what you meant by "he deserved to know" Why should Adam be privy at all to your sex life?
In any case, what's done is done. You can apologize to him to possibly relieve your guilt, but don't expect him to accept it.
It'll just take time to fade. It's kind of like getting into a car accident (when it's your fault), in the aftermath you're full of regret of what you've done (texted instead of looking at the road for that split second, for example) The life lesson here is that there are things that you'll say or do that will result in outcomes you didn't imagine could ever happen to you (or in general) and you have no control over them AND you have to deal with the consequences.
Feel better. It's all part of life.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 2:18 AM on March 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Telling Adam, however, probably wasn't the best move. There are other ways to convey "no, we are never ever ever getting back together" than "hey, I slept with so and so." I don't understand what you meant by "he deserved to know" Why should Adam be privy at all to your sex life?
In any case, what's done is done. You can apologize to him to possibly relieve your guilt, but don't expect him to accept it.
It'll just take time to fade. It's kind of like getting into a car accident (when it's your fault), in the aftermath you're full of regret of what you've done (texted instead of looking at the road for that split second, for example) The life lesson here is that there are things that you'll say or do that will result in outcomes you didn't imagine could ever happen to you (or in general) and you have no control over them AND you have to deal with the consequences.
Feel better. It's all part of life.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 2:18 AM on March 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by capricorn at 7:25 PM on March 12, 2013 [64 favorites]