How do I care less about what my girlfriend is thinking?
March 10, 2013 6:38 PM Subscribe
I'm a year and a half into my first serious relationship and it has a lot going for it. But, almost every time we now go see a movie together, or check out a concert, or go somewhere new for dinner, I spend more time worrying about rather she's having a good time than actually enjoying it myself. It's worse if it's something I picked out or suggested, and I find myself avoiding suggesting something I think I'll enjoy because I get nervous about her reaction. She has really relaxed standards for entertainment and usually enjoys what I suggest, so I know it's me and not her. Anyone have experience with dealing with this in their relationships?
In general the fact that I often consider my girlfriend's feelings and thoughts is great for the relationship, but sometimes it crosses over some threshold and becomes an obsession. Of course once it does, telling myself to stop thinking about it never works. The cause is likely some combination of my treated-but-chronic depression, general anxiety issues, increased pressure at work, and my high functioning autism/Aspergers (which she knows about and is fully supportive towards). Looking back I've been doing this since the beginning of the relationship, but now that the heady days of infatuation are over the anxiety overpowers the joy.
I've often gone through phases where I've obsessed about and overthought various issues (hey autism), but my normal coping mechanisms aren't working and the anxiety never quite goes away. Talking with my mom (where I got the anxiety/depression from, not the autism), she told me she often feels the same way after 20 years of marriage, so it probably isn't an easy fix. I'm looking around for a new therapist, but until I can find one I like in this area, any advice or discussion is very welcome. Thanks!
In general the fact that I often consider my girlfriend's feelings and thoughts is great for the relationship, but sometimes it crosses over some threshold and becomes an obsession. Of course once it does, telling myself to stop thinking about it never works. The cause is likely some combination of my treated-but-chronic depression, general anxiety issues, increased pressure at work, and my high functioning autism/Aspergers (which she knows about and is fully supportive towards). Looking back I've been doing this since the beginning of the relationship, but now that the heady days of infatuation are over the anxiety overpowers the joy.
I've often gone through phases where I've obsessed about and overthought various issues (hey autism), but my normal coping mechanisms aren't working and the anxiety never quite goes away. Talking with my mom (where I got the anxiety/depression from, not the autism), she told me she often feels the same way after 20 years of marriage, so it probably isn't an easy fix. I'm looking around for a new therapist, but until I can find one I like in this area, any advice or discussion is very welcome. Thanks!
How much of this is in your head and how much is response to what she says/does?
If your worries about her reaction are mostly in response to internal concerns and not what she's saying/doing, I think it warrants discussing with the therapist you're looking for, especially since you've got the extra variable of autism and learned anxiety in the mix.
That said, this is hard for *anyone* in a first real relationship to learn to deal with. If she's happy and you're otherwise happy, try to find some other thought to occupy your mind rather than the question of if she's enjoying herself.
posted by smirkette at 7:19 PM on March 10, 2013
If your worries about her reaction are mostly in response to internal concerns and not what she's saying/doing, I think it warrants discussing with the therapist you're looking for, especially since you've got the extra variable of autism and learned anxiety in the mix.
That said, this is hard for *anyone* in a first real relationship to learn to deal with. If she's happy and you're otherwise happy, try to find some other thought to occupy your mind rather than the question of if she's enjoying herself.
posted by smirkette at 7:19 PM on March 10, 2013
One thing that can really help here is if you and your gf can build a level of trust where she will tell you (and you will tell her) if you don't like something and that the other person can hear it as no more and no less than what the other person is saying. In otherwords, if she doesn't like the food, it is OK to say so. And if she says so, you will know that it is just about the food, not that she is breaking up with you (unless she says that too). It takes practice and lots of careful communication but it is wonderful long-term skill for the relationship.
You do say that some part of you knows that sometimes this is you and not her. The part that can really help here is to realize that there is no reason why every idea you have needs to be something she likes. In fact, if she likes everything then the two of you aren't taking any risks. It will make your relationship stronger if you are really OK with hearing that she doesn't like something (or likes it less than 100%) and that you can trust her to tell you what she is really thinking.
posted by metahawk at 7:35 PM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
You do say that some part of you knows that sometimes this is you and not her. The part that can really help here is to realize that there is no reason why every idea you have needs to be something she likes. In fact, if she likes everything then the two of you aren't taking any risks. It will make your relationship stronger if you are really OK with hearing that she doesn't like something (or likes it less than 100%) and that you can trust her to tell you what she is really thinking.
posted by metahawk at 7:35 PM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
You know, I do this too, and I'm glad you asked this question because it gave me a chance to think through my own way of dealing with it (and to see the other answers!). I'm not always successful, but what I do to try to stop it is kind of a mindfulness approach, where every time I catch myself worrying I'll say to myself "Nope, not gonna do this" and try to bring myself back to the moment and how I'M feeling rather than trying to guess what my boyfriend is feeling. It's good that you know it's you and not her, because that's key here, I think; it also helps to remember that worrying about it isn't actually productive (if she's actually not enjoying something, you can't make her enjoy it just by the sheer power of your worry) and that you are not responsible for other people's feelings. (It actually helps me to remember that women are culturally programmed to act this way so I can be like "hey, you're doing the caretaking thing again, knock it off"--if you're a dude, I guess this doesn't apply, but any way you can write it off as an invalid response will be helpful.)
posted by sunset in snow country at 8:38 PM on March 10, 2013
posted by sunset in snow country at 8:38 PM on March 10, 2013
The secret is to care less about caring what your girlfriend is thinking. So, you wonder if your girlfriend is having a good time. Every time you catch yourself thinking about it, tell yourself its okay to wonder if your girlfriend is having a good time and go back to paying attention to what you were doing right then.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:50 PM on March 10, 2013
posted by Ironmouth at 8:50 PM on March 10, 2013
you're not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. full stop.
posted by lia at 10:07 PM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by lia at 10:07 PM on March 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Your obsessing sounds a bit like you trying to control the situation in order to make sure that you will not suffer later. You're scared of whatever you think might happen if you picked a bad movie (rejection?).
So it's not your girlfriend's feelings you are trying to cushion, but your own.
Possibly. This is just an interpretation.
Obsessing gives you the illusion of doing something about the situation, of being able to prevent negative outcomes if you only worry about it enough.
It's not the end of the world if you picked a bad choice. You could end up talking more about why she didn't like it and learn more about her and end the evening feeling closer than ever, and happy.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:36 AM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
So it's not your girlfriend's feelings you are trying to cushion, but your own.
Possibly. This is just an interpretation.
Obsessing gives you the illusion of doing something about the situation, of being able to prevent negative outcomes if you only worry about it enough.
It's not the end of the world if you picked a bad choice. You could end up talking more about why she didn't like it and learn more about her and end the evening feeling closer than ever, and happy.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:36 AM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
You're afraid of disclosure, you're afraid of letting her know you, unable as yet to open this door to her, unable as yet to cop to what you've told us in your Ask. Because it's painful to let someone see us in our vulnerability.
But -- as soon as you tell her, these fears will be gone fast.
Seems you trust her. Let her in on this. I'd bet she'll do all she can to comfort you, and that she'd reach to your hand and tell you that "all is okay; you can tell me." You tell her a few times, this sortof thing will go away pronto. And it'll bring you two lots closer together, once negotiated, it'll build a fine intimacy.
posted by dancestoblue at 1:22 AM on March 11, 2013
But -- as soon as you tell her, these fears will be gone fast.
Seems you trust her. Let her in on this. I'd bet she'll do all she can to comfort you, and that she'd reach to your hand and tell you that "all is okay; you can tell me." You tell her a few times, this sortof thing will go away pronto. And it'll bring you two lots closer together, once negotiated, it'll build a fine intimacy.
posted by dancestoblue at 1:22 AM on March 11, 2013
you're not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. full stop.
With all due respect, that is complete and total utter bull$%*#.
In a world of hedonists, robber barrons, asshole CEOs, men who leave their wives with infants, Robert Mugabe, etc., if you care about someone else as much as you care about your girlfriend, I think you're doing a great job. That is what makes you a good person -- viscerally caring about other people.
So the first thing is to pat yourself on the back and accept that this is a good thing, not a bad thing, in general.
Like others have said, one way to cut the anxiety is to talk to her about it. Another way is to actually practice doing things that you want to do, not that she necessarily wants to do, every so often so you get used to that. (And you can see the sky doesn't fall when you do it.)
posted by htid at 2:05 AM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
With all due respect, that is complete and total utter bull$%*#.
In a world of hedonists, robber barrons, asshole CEOs, men who leave their wives with infants, Robert Mugabe, etc., if you care about someone else as much as you care about your girlfriend, I think you're doing a great job. That is what makes you a good person -- viscerally caring about other people.
So the first thing is to pat yourself on the back and accept that this is a good thing, not a bad thing, in general.
Like others have said, one way to cut the anxiety is to talk to her about it. Another way is to actually practice doing things that you want to do, not that she necessarily wants to do, every so often so you get used to that. (And you can see the sky doesn't fall when you do it.)
posted by htid at 2:05 AM on March 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
There's a big difference between caring your girlfriend's preferences, which is good, and not believing her when she tells you what they are, which is a problem. If you ask her what she likes and she tells you, it doesn't help you or her to ask the same question again because you won't be any more inclined to believe her answer than you were the first time.
Therapy may help you learn some strategies for redirecting your thoughts more rationally and productively, but in the meantime I suggest regular vigorous exercise. Helps me, anyhow.
posted by jon1270 at 5:04 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Therapy may help you learn some strategies for redirecting your thoughts more rationally and productively, but in the meantime I suggest regular vigorous exercise. Helps me, anyhow.
posted by jon1270 at 5:04 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I just remembered something that might help:
I used to tailor my suggestions to things I knew my husband liked, even if they were things I felt lukewarm about. He is a lot pickier than me, while for me his company was more important than what we actually did together. Or maybe I just convinced myself of that because I didn't want the responsibility of picking something disappointing! But eventually, going out became a bit stale.
Some time ago we came up with a weekly "date night". The rules:
- person who treats chooses something they themselves like or are curious about, even if they aren't sure their date will enjoy it (obviously, don't choose stuff the date will hate for sure). They surprise their date with it.
- Date keeps an open mind and is good humoured about whatever will come. If they didn't like it, they explain that but also appreciate the idea behind it.
It took a lot of pressure off me and for a while we did a few pretty adventurous things!
Maybe there is something in this you can use.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:56 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I used to tailor my suggestions to things I knew my husband liked, even if they were things I felt lukewarm about. He is a lot pickier than me, while for me his company was more important than what we actually did together. Or maybe I just convinced myself of that because I didn't want the responsibility of picking something disappointing! But eventually, going out became a bit stale.
Some time ago we came up with a weekly "date night". The rules:
- person who treats chooses something they themselves like or are curious about, even if they aren't sure their date will enjoy it (obviously, don't choose stuff the date will hate for sure). They surprise their date with it.
- Date keeps an open mind and is good humoured about whatever will come. If they didn't like it, they explain that but also appreciate the idea behind it.
It took a lot of pressure off me and for a while we did a few pretty adventurous things!
Maybe there is something in this you can use.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:56 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
My boyfriend and I have very different tastes in a lot of things. Sometimes when we do things together there with be a disconnect. I might be kinda meh about some band he is crazy for- or he might be pretty dubious about some bar I want to visit.
Neither of us worry about it. Why? because even if one of us hates something, we are both genuinely interested in each others opinion. It's a lot more fun when there is a difference of opinion, honestly.
There is nothing funnier that watching Griphus HAVING AN OPINION. Seriously, not in a sarcastic way- it's goddamned hilarious.
You'll worry a lot less about weither she likes something if you get used to the idea that her hating something doesn't mean the date is ruined. You guys are a team watching the world go by, you can have a great time finding out why it is that your coconspirator likes something you think might be the stupidest thing on the planet.
posted by Blisterlips at 7:20 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
Neither of us worry about it. Why? because even if one of us hates something, we are both genuinely interested in each others opinion. It's a lot more fun when there is a difference of opinion, honestly.
There is nothing funnier that watching Griphus HAVING AN OPINION. Seriously, not in a sarcastic way- it's goddamned hilarious.
You'll worry a lot less about weither she likes something if you get used to the idea that her hating something doesn't mean the date is ruined. You guys are a team watching the world go by, you can have a great time finding out why it is that your coconspirator likes something you think might be the stupidest thing on the planet.
posted by Blisterlips at 7:20 AM on March 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
How do you and your girlfriend handle it when she doesn't like something? Has it ever come up?
I spend a lot of time talking with my therapist about "no," about setting limits and boundaries and allowing myself to hear when I don't want something, because "no" is not something I was allowed to have, growing up. It's something I'm having to learn as an adult, how to have my "no."
And one of the things that we've gone over in talking about "no," and the reason I'm bringing this up, is that you have to have a strong "no" if you are going to have a trustworthy "yes." I'll say it again: if your "no" isn't strong, you can't trust your "yes."
What this means is that unless you trust your girlfriend to tell you when things are not going well, you're never going to believe her when she says things are going well. So what I think you should start thinking about is creating space for your girlfriend to have a "no" and to tell you, "this isn't good. I don't like this and would prefer that."
And -- I don't know your relationship or how you handle rejection or hearing other people's "no" but consider this -- you may have to make space for her to have her own "no" and make peace with yourself around her "no." If you have anxiety around her having a "no" -- and it sounds a little like you do -- it's possible she's picked up on that and is keeping her "no" to herself, and then in turn it's possible you've picked up on the fact that there's a hidden "no" in your relationship and it's bothering you.
So consider whether you can honor your girlfriend's "no" and give her space to have it openly, and then maybe you can begin to trust her "yes."
posted by gauche at 7:43 AM on March 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
I spend a lot of time talking with my therapist about "no," about setting limits and boundaries and allowing myself to hear when I don't want something, because "no" is not something I was allowed to have, growing up. It's something I'm having to learn as an adult, how to have my "no."
And one of the things that we've gone over in talking about "no," and the reason I'm bringing this up, is that you have to have a strong "no" if you are going to have a trustworthy "yes." I'll say it again: if your "no" isn't strong, you can't trust your "yes."
What this means is that unless you trust your girlfriend to tell you when things are not going well, you're never going to believe her when she says things are going well. So what I think you should start thinking about is creating space for your girlfriend to have a "no" and to tell you, "this isn't good. I don't like this and would prefer that."
And -- I don't know your relationship or how you handle rejection or hearing other people's "no" but consider this -- you may have to make space for her to have her own "no" and make peace with yourself around her "no." If you have anxiety around her having a "no" -- and it sounds a little like you do -- it's possible she's picked up on that and is keeping her "no" to herself, and then in turn it's possible you've picked up on the fact that there's a hidden "no" in your relationship and it's bothering you.
So consider whether you can honor your girlfriend's "no" and give her space to have it openly, and then maybe you can begin to trust her "yes."
posted by gauche at 7:43 AM on March 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
How much have you talked with your girlfriend about it? Does she know how much you worry?
Maybe she could help you by agreeing to be very vocal about her opinion. Not "agreeing to blindly reassure you every 5 minutes that she is happy" but to tell you her opinion.
When you realize that you're really worrying over whether she's happy or not, you shouldn't just stew over it, you should ask her "Hey, do you like the movie?" and she has to tell you, not just "yes" but some active statement - "I like (actorname)." or "This is really funny." or "I wasn't really sure from the previews if this would be dumb or not, but it's not bad." or even (this might be a shocker, but it's oh so often true) "it's a pretty bad movie, but I like being here with you." The thing is, sometimes when she tells you her opinion, it won't be a positive statement - but that's not a bad thing. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they dislike you, and just because she's doing something with you that isn't something she would have chosen for herself doesn't mean she isn't enjoying doing it with you. Accept that she can have a lukewarm reaction to a band and a positive reaction to the evening.
Another thing that might calm you down is to make a statement to her, tell her how you feel. "I picked Thai food tonight because I haven't had these noodles in a while." "I think the noodles at this reastaurant aren't quite as good as at (other thai restaurant), but I'm glad we tried it." Try not to be afraid of having an opinion, and not to worry that anyone would judge you based on one opinion. People who don't have opinions are usually really boring to be around.
posted by aimedwander at 8:30 AM on March 11, 2013
Maybe she could help you by agreeing to be very vocal about her opinion. Not "agreeing to blindly reassure you every 5 minutes that she is happy" but to tell you her opinion.
When you realize that you're really worrying over whether she's happy or not, you shouldn't just stew over it, you should ask her "Hey, do you like the movie?" and she has to tell you, not just "yes" but some active statement - "I like (actorname)." or "This is really funny." or "I wasn't really sure from the previews if this would be dumb or not, but it's not bad." or even (this might be a shocker, but it's oh so often true) "it's a pretty bad movie, but I like being here with you." The thing is, sometimes when she tells you her opinion, it won't be a positive statement - but that's not a bad thing. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they dislike you, and just because she's doing something with you that isn't something she would have chosen for herself doesn't mean she isn't enjoying doing it with you. Accept that she can have a lukewarm reaction to a band and a positive reaction to the evening.
Another thing that might calm you down is to make a statement to her, tell her how you feel. "I picked Thai food tonight because I haven't had these noodles in a while." "I think the noodles at this reastaurant aren't quite as good as at (other thai restaurant), but I'm glad we tried it." Try not to be afraid of having an opinion, and not to worry that anyone would judge you based on one opinion. People who don't have opinions are usually really boring to be around.
posted by aimedwander at 8:30 AM on March 11, 2013
In a world of hedonists, robber barrons, asshole CEOs, men who leave their wives with infants, Robert Mugabe, etc., if you care about someone else as much as you care about your girlfriend, I think you're doing a great job. That is what makes you a good person -- viscerally caring about other people.
whoa, overboard reaction much? i think fundamentally this is an ask vs guess culture divide thing, where to me as an ask culture person using your words and trusting that other people will use their words means everyone ends up happier in the long run. it doesn't mean not caring; it means you draw boundaries, take responsibility for yourself, put your oxygen mask on first to make it easier to help someone else get theirs.
if you set up an event and your partner agrees to go with you, and tells you that it's something they want to go to, and that they're enjoying themselves, consistently choosing not to trust and believe in what your partner says is a long, painful walk down the road to unhappiness, whether it's driven by anxiety, insecurity, or passive aggressiveness. (same goes for lying your partner about what makes you happy or unhappy.)
posted by lia at 10:04 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
whoa, overboard reaction much? i think fundamentally this is an ask vs guess culture divide thing, where to me as an ask culture person using your words and trusting that other people will use their words means everyone ends up happier in the long run. it doesn't mean not caring; it means you draw boundaries, take responsibility for yourself, put your oxygen mask on first to make it easier to help someone else get theirs.
if you set up an event and your partner agrees to go with you, and tells you that it's something they want to go to, and that they're enjoying themselves, consistently choosing not to trust and believe in what your partner says is a long, painful walk down the road to unhappiness, whether it's driven by anxiety, insecurity, or passive aggressiveness. (same goes for lying your partner about what makes you happy or unhappy.)
posted by lia at 10:04 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by headnsouth at 7:08 PM on March 10, 2013