Is mutual attraction as common in real life as it is in the media?
March 8, 2013 9:09 PM Subscribe
I've been in very few relationships in my life: 2 boyfriends of about a year each, and marriage for 8 years. I'm in my early 50s. I split with my husband at the end of 2001, and I've only had a very few first dates since then with men I met online, and no dating activity now for about 6 years. I am very overweight and have severe self-esteem issues, especially about my looks.
But apart from that and the whole question of how to even meet men, I'm curious about the phenomenon of people meeting and feeling mutual attraction. I'm not talking about falling in love or the development of a relationship, but the first moments of meeting and reacting to another. In the media mutual attraction is depicted as happening commonly; it's the norm, like if one person has something in them that makes them react to another, it's kind of because that second person also has that same thing in them and reciprocates the attraction.
Is this just a media construct? Is it pretty true-to-life?
I am older than you and haven't dated in an even longer time. When I was younger I quite often mistook plain old lust for mutual attraction. It never went well and I was always attracted to the guy fresh out of prison, so I am a little cautious when those feelings arise.
I have male friends, less of those then in my 40's and 50's but still enough that I am comfortable with the amount of male attention I receive at this point.
Media always makes uncommon things very common and very magical. That being said I also think it does happen for some people. Just not as often as TV would lead us to believe.
posted by cairnoflore at 9:45 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have male friends, less of those then in my 40's and 50's but still enough that I am comfortable with the amount of male attention I receive at this point.
Media always makes uncommon things very common and very magical. That being said I also think it does happen for some people. Just not as often as TV would lead us to believe.
posted by cairnoflore at 9:45 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
It happened for my husband and me--we met in a class we were taking together, he noticed me around the same time I noticed him, and when I walked over to him and introduced myself, he was tongue-tied. About three months later, we were engaged.
I think it also happened to my brother fairly recently, although he had met his fiancee about ten years ago--they met at a party given by a mutual friend and old college classmate and just clicked. I think this does count as love at first sight, since it could be argued that at thirty-one they were very different people from what they had been at twenty-one.
posted by tully_monster at 9:50 PM on March 8, 2013
I think it also happened to my brother fairly recently, although he had met his fiancee about ten years ago--they met at a party given by a mutual friend and old college classmate and just clicked. I think this does count as love at first sight, since it could be argued that at thirty-one they were very different people from what they had been at twenty-one.
posted by tully_monster at 9:50 PM on March 8, 2013
I've never had a mutual attraction like that. I've experienced the tongue-tied bit, and I've had lovers who have experienced it, and I had to warm to them. I date regularly now (for the last two years since my marriage ended), and I've not experienced it at all. I had assumed it was an artefact of being young and inexperienced.
posted by b33j at 10:28 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by b33j at 10:28 PM on March 8, 2013
I don't think there's really any way to quantify this question, because people are different, there's billions of us and we're all individuals, and some people may do it differently from time to time anyway. Also keep in mind that in fiction, it's a great quick shortcut to have people fall madly in love because they can get on with the plot and the drama (think Romeo and Juliet), than if they just stall around for years and years while the parties just, y'know, like hang out n' stuff and figure it out 12 years later (think Harry and Sally).
But....I have come to the conclusion over the years that some people are more geared to fall in love at first sight, and some are geared to fall in love slowly over weeks, months or years. I am definitely a first-sight girl, so it just doesn't happen for me without some kind of insta-psychic-ping going off when I meet the dude. For me it's common. For others, it's not. YMMV and all that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:35 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
But....I have come to the conclusion over the years that some people are more geared to fall in love at first sight, and some are geared to fall in love slowly over weeks, months or years. I am definitely a first-sight girl, so it just doesn't happen for me without some kind of insta-psychic-ping going off when I meet the dude. For me it's common. For others, it's not. YMMV and all that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:35 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
While we're waiting for someone to provide a link to solid data, I can add my own anecdotes: I'm nearing 40 and the mutual attraction thing has never happened to me. Both my two longest relationships (including with my wife of ten years) has started with the girls thinking "what an idiot!" about me...
posted by Harald74 at 10:39 PM on March 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Harald74 at 10:39 PM on March 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
It may well be an artefact of being young and inexperienced, since the first time it happened to me I was indeed young and inexperienced -- I was 16.
I laid eyes on a guy on my first day at a new school, and it was like the movies - something amazing happened in my brain and lo, clouds parted, rainbows emerged, choirs of angels sang and I stopped breathing while the world faded out and I couldn't see anything but him. It was red hot, instant mutual attraction (and developed into a red hot, totally destructive, absolutely unhinged relationship that went on and on until it imploded in a blaze of crazy.) Moral of the story: it does happen, I'm just not convinced it's something to envy or seek out.
To be fair, I had instant chemistry with my now-husband, but it was basically insta-lust and not the Twilight-esque experience of that first time. (I am pretty happy about that, let me tell you.)
posted by DarlingBri at 10:45 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I laid eyes on a guy on my first day at a new school, and it was like the movies - something amazing happened in my brain and lo, clouds parted, rainbows emerged, choirs of angels sang and I stopped breathing while the world faded out and I couldn't see anything but him. It was red hot, instant mutual attraction (and developed into a red hot, totally destructive, absolutely unhinged relationship that went on and on until it imploded in a blaze of crazy.) Moral of the story: it does happen, I'm just not convinced it's something to envy or seek out.
To be fair, I had instant chemistry with my now-husband, but it was basically insta-lust and not the Twilight-esque experience of that first time. (I am pretty happy about that, let me tell you.)
posted by DarlingBri at 10:45 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Harald's comment about solid data inspired me to hit up Google Scholar. Here's a study of 137 heterosexual couples, 43% of whom reported feeling love at first sight. The study is about whether the love-at-first-sight couples would be more similar/dissimilar in personality and stuff like that. I've only skimmed bits of it, since it's not entirely relevant.
Anyway I'd take a guess that 43% is more likely an upper bound on this question, because (if I understand correctly from the little I read) the couples were answering the questionnaire together and might have, you know, come to an agreement about their answer that didn't actually reflect the private thoughts of partners who liked to go along with the idea they'd been in love at first sight when in fact they'd been slower to reciprocate.
But yeah, it happens quite often. Probably not in the majority of cases though, in case you were wondering whether you're 'normal.' You are.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:53 PM on March 8, 2013
Anyway I'd take a guess that 43% is more likely an upper bound on this question, because (if I understand correctly from the little I read) the couples were answering the questionnaire together and might have, you know, come to an agreement about their answer that didn't actually reflect the private thoughts of partners who liked to go along with the idea they'd been in love at first sight when in fact they'd been slower to reciprocate.
But yeah, it happens quite often. Probably not in the majority of cases though, in case you were wondering whether you're 'normal.' You are.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:53 PM on March 8, 2013
Somebody wants someone like you. With dates give them time. There is no one way with love and attraction.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:39 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 11:39 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm of a similar age and have had decades long periods of being solo...
I have had three times where I caught a glimpse of someone and time stopped. We were frozen in a gaze which was riveting, deep and made no intellectual sense.
The first time I suddenly was in a point of total awareness of a stranger - almost to the point of feeling his emotions. It was a person I passed at a brief detour off the highway while returning home from holiday. It was unsettling. I never could get it completely out of my mind.
Several years later it happened again. I was shaken to my core. It was the same person at the same spot (a school I had enrolled at - having forgotten ever walking through the campus). It was so powerful it set off a long series of conflicted emotions in me. I was married at the time. My husband and I had a terrific relationship - but I had never experienced this level of - don't even have a name for it. We (the unknown fellow) tenetively developed a friendship of sorts. I slowly realized that since I didn't feel this level of consuming passion for my husband that I was cheating both of us. I felt I was short changing my husband since my feeling for him were of a different level. I ended up asking for a divorce. I felt we were still young enough (late '30's) to still have a chance at finding a better fit. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.
Wish I had a story book ending...I do feel the fellow (ended up being a instructor in another field) felt the same way. We were both very insecure and fucked up enough in our own ways that together we were so dysfunctional that the relationship never moved past an odd friendship. Which ended up being a very good thing. I eventually spent quite a bit of time with him due to injuring myself (very long story) and came to see that he was passive aggressive as hell and quite immature in many ways. Rather like my Father... which I think is what the primal recognition sort of thing was really all about. Freudian perhaps, very real though. And left me with the feeling that if it happened again the best thing to do would be run like hell the other way.
Nine years later I was a member of a wedding party. We had waited some time for a missing groomsman to arrived but finally began the rehearsal without him. It was a beautiful spring afternoon on a hillside in the Appalachians when I glanced up and locked eyes with a fellow - the missing groomsman had arrived. I have no idea how long we stared at each other. It was primal, time stood still, all semblance of protocol was gone. Once I looked away I vowed to avoid him like the plague.
Much later that night after the rehearsal dinner I was asked by the bride to give directions to someone - it was him! We started talking and were immediately smitten. We began a long distance relationship which we both knew was "big" from the get go.
Eventually I decided to move to the fellows city. I had been working at a natural foods store. We had many massage, alternative sorts,and psychics come in as a service for the customers. On psychic offered me a free reading as a going away gift.
I'm pretty skeptical but figured what the hell - gave him our info for a "couples" reading. A week later the fellow told me he had never seen two people who were not twins so similar in every way. He said much more that I don't recall, but he said the similarity could be our eventual undoing.
Fast forward 5 years and things fall completely apart. (http://ask.metafilter.com/223412/Okay-to-move-out-but-still-be-together#3230551) In retrospect, a large part of the reason unspoken issues got to the point of no return is that we both will do most anything to avoid conflict. He has it worse than I do, but we both are wimps in that area. We imploded and humpty dumpty couldn't be reconstructed.
So I am left with the feeling that (for me) the sort of "love at first sight" is really a recognition of self. But not in a good or healthy way. Some primal, toddler aspect of us each have a magnetic awareness of each other - because our unfulfilled "holes" match up. I don't think this is a good thing for me. It may be intoxicating and addicting but it is not the stuff a long and happy life is built upon.
My ex (20 year relationship) met someone else very quickly and has been happily in his second marriage for 12+ years. In many ways he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I am grateful of his positive influence in my life. I also feel that his current wife is a much better fit for him that I was - so it worked out well for him.
I am solo and glad and on my way to becoming a crazy cat woman. I don't rule out finding love again but I am not expending energy looking for it. And if the "love at first sight" ever happens again I am going listen to myself and run like hell!
posted by cat_link at 11:49 PM on March 8, 2013 [16 favorites]
I have had three times where I caught a glimpse of someone and time stopped. We were frozen in a gaze which was riveting, deep and made no intellectual sense.
The first time I suddenly was in a point of total awareness of a stranger - almost to the point of feeling his emotions. It was a person I passed at a brief detour off the highway while returning home from holiday. It was unsettling. I never could get it completely out of my mind.
Several years later it happened again. I was shaken to my core. It was the same person at the same spot (a school I had enrolled at - having forgotten ever walking through the campus). It was so powerful it set off a long series of conflicted emotions in me. I was married at the time. My husband and I had a terrific relationship - but I had never experienced this level of - don't even have a name for it. We (the unknown fellow) tenetively developed a friendship of sorts. I slowly realized that since I didn't feel this level of consuming passion for my husband that I was cheating both of us. I felt I was short changing my husband since my feeling for him were of a different level. I ended up asking for a divorce. I felt we were still young enough (late '30's) to still have a chance at finding a better fit. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.
Wish I had a story book ending...I do feel the fellow (ended up being a instructor in another field) felt the same way. We were both very insecure and fucked up enough in our own ways that together we were so dysfunctional that the relationship never moved past an odd friendship. Which ended up being a very good thing. I eventually spent quite a bit of time with him due to injuring myself (very long story) and came to see that he was passive aggressive as hell and quite immature in many ways. Rather like my Father... which I think is what the primal recognition sort of thing was really all about. Freudian perhaps, very real though. And left me with the feeling that if it happened again the best thing to do would be run like hell the other way.
Nine years later I was a member of a wedding party. We had waited some time for a missing groomsman to arrived but finally began the rehearsal without him. It was a beautiful spring afternoon on a hillside in the Appalachians when I glanced up and locked eyes with a fellow - the missing groomsman had arrived. I have no idea how long we stared at each other. It was primal, time stood still, all semblance of protocol was gone. Once I looked away I vowed to avoid him like the plague.
Much later that night after the rehearsal dinner I was asked by the bride to give directions to someone - it was him! We started talking and were immediately smitten. We began a long distance relationship which we both knew was "big" from the get go.
Eventually I decided to move to the fellows city. I had been working at a natural foods store. We had many massage, alternative sorts,and psychics come in as a service for the customers. On psychic offered me a free reading as a going away gift.
I'm pretty skeptical but figured what the hell - gave him our info for a "couples" reading. A week later the fellow told me he had never seen two people who were not twins so similar in every way. He said much more that I don't recall, but he said the similarity could be our eventual undoing.
Fast forward 5 years and things fall completely apart. (http://ask.metafilter.com/223412/Okay-to-move-out-but-still-be-together#3230551) In retrospect, a large part of the reason unspoken issues got to the point of no return is that we both will do most anything to avoid conflict. He has it worse than I do, but we both are wimps in that area. We imploded and humpty dumpty couldn't be reconstructed.
So I am left with the feeling that (for me) the sort of "love at first sight" is really a recognition of self. But not in a good or healthy way. Some primal, toddler aspect of us each have a magnetic awareness of each other - because our unfulfilled "holes" match up. I don't think this is a good thing for me. It may be intoxicating and addicting but it is not the stuff a long and happy life is built upon.
My ex (20 year relationship) met someone else very quickly and has been happily in his second marriage for 12+ years. In many ways he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I am grateful of his positive influence in my life. I also feel that his current wife is a much better fit for him that I was - so it worked out well for him.
I am solo and glad and on my way to becoming a crazy cat woman. I don't rule out finding love again but I am not expending energy looking for it. And if the "love at first sight" ever happens again I am going listen to myself and run like hell!
posted by cat_link at 11:49 PM on March 8, 2013 [16 favorites]
I'm not 100% sure what you mean. My reaction to this was sort of, "I'm attracted to lots of people..." Attraction is not a "special event" in my life. Definitely I meet people and think, "ooh, you're cute!" not uncommonly. And some subset of them seem to think something similar about me though you'll understand if that's not something that comes up in casual conversation.
I would say that I'm more likely to find someone attractive if they're friendly and smile at me and good to talk to; and, I'm more likely to be friendly and smile at someone and talk to them if I find them attractive. So it's probably a bit more likely to be attracted to a given person if they're already attracted to you.
Definitely no rule for it, though. Actually my partner of 8+ years and I didn't have mutual attraction at first at all.
posted by Lady Li at 12:20 AM on March 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
I would say that I'm more likely to find someone attractive if they're friendly and smile at me and good to talk to; and, I'm more likely to be friendly and smile at someone and talk to them if I find them attractive. So it's probably a bit more likely to be attracted to a given person if they're already attracted to you.
Definitely no rule for it, though. Actually my partner of 8+ years and I didn't have mutual attraction at first at all.
posted by Lady Li at 12:20 AM on March 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
Once in my twenties I went out to this restaurant with about a dozen people I was loosely friends with in varying degrees. There was a nice-looking lady in the party that I didn't know and somehow I didn't get introduced to her, but she had a nice kind of quizzical smile and I really, really wanted to talk to her. We ended up at opposite ends of a long table, naturally; but I had the impression she was glancing at me almost as much as I was looking at her. Later on, she went to the bar, so I went after her and asked if I could buy her one. We had a really engrossing conversation - we were interested in the same kind of stuff, but knew different things about it - and it must have been several drinks and probably an hour and a half later that we noticed everyone else had gone.
Amazingly, she lived within walking distance of my flat, and we went off together. Her book collection! We owned only about three books in common, but the ones we had were perfectly complementary. I had half the novels of Evelyn Waugh, she had exactly the ones I didn't own, and so on. It was like the two halves of one coherent collection - just amazing, honestly. The sex was pretty good, too.
Reader, I married her.
Only time it's ever happened like that for me.
posted by Segundus at 1:38 AM on March 9, 2013 [9 favorites]
Amazingly, she lived within walking distance of my flat, and we went off together. Her book collection! We owned only about three books in common, but the ones we had were perfectly complementary. I had half the novels of Evelyn Waugh, she had exactly the ones I didn't own, and so on. It was like the two halves of one coherent collection - just amazing, honestly. The sex was pretty good, too.
Reader, I married her.
Only time it's ever happened like that for me.
posted by Segundus at 1:38 AM on March 9, 2013 [9 favorites]
I think the traditional idea of "love at first sight" does happen, but I think it's mostly something for young people, as are so many other operatic, over-the-top emotional things. When you're 40, you can certainly be attracted to somebody on first sight, but you probably don't have those same crazy hormones popping and sizzling in your head, making you feel so many feels.
When I was about 20 I had a retail job at a touristy boardwalk place, and one time a girl my age came in. I felt immediately attracted to her, but we started talking and about 30 seconds into it I felt this amazing, otherworldly, transcendent feeling... I loved her utterly, it was like on The Monkees, when Davy Jones used to meet a pretty girl and he'd get cartoon stars in his eyes. It was like we were the only two people in the world, and I could have just stood there forever, smiling stupidly at her.
In my memory we were frozen like that for about two minutes, but it was probably more like 10 seconds. At the time I assumed she felt the same way. At the very least, she had to know that I was dumbstruck by her, and she kept smiling.
We made a date to meet a few hours later, but something came up at work and I couldn't get out in time. When I finally got there, she wasn't there. Who knows, maybe she never showed up at all.
There were many times after that when I wondered if I'd missed out on the girl I was meant to spend my life with. But again, I think that's more a young person thing, being struck with Cupid's arrow and just knowing this is THE ONE and fate has brought you together and blah de blah...
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:46 AM on March 9, 2013
When I was about 20 I had a retail job at a touristy boardwalk place, and one time a girl my age came in. I felt immediately attracted to her, but we started talking and about 30 seconds into it I felt this amazing, otherworldly, transcendent feeling... I loved her utterly, it was like on The Monkees, when Davy Jones used to meet a pretty girl and he'd get cartoon stars in his eyes. It was like we were the only two people in the world, and I could have just stood there forever, smiling stupidly at her.
In my memory we were frozen like that for about two minutes, but it was probably more like 10 seconds. At the time I assumed she felt the same way. At the very least, she had to know that I was dumbstruck by her, and she kept smiling.
We made a date to meet a few hours later, but something came up at work and I couldn't get out in time. When I finally got there, she wasn't there. Who knows, maybe she never showed up at all.
There were many times after that when I wondered if I'd missed out on the girl I was meant to spend my life with. But again, I think that's more a young person thing, being struck with Cupid's arrow and just knowing this is THE ONE and fate has brought you together and blah de blah...
posted by Ursula Hitler at 2:46 AM on March 9, 2013
On this question, food for thought (for me) has come from the link in a comment made in an older AskMe question:
Anyway, I think there are two kinds of love. One is the kind of love where a person already has decided the things they want to happen to them, the things they desperately want and need and associate with love, they’ve mapped them out on their own heart beforehand, and they’re just trying to find someone to do them with. They’ve already decided that love = zany photobooth pictures and sharing their favorite movie on the couch once a week and saying this one pet name and them both liking the same band and going to the same coffeeshop and looking up and smiling over a book. So every person they date, they take them on the same walk to the same place and take the same pictures and pose the same pose and try the same lean-in and give the same mix tape, just giving the routine they want a test drive over and over again until it sticks, and then they get all the comforts that come with the routine of loving someone who holds the same things dear, or is at least game for holding your things dear with you.
And then there’s the other kind of love, that kind that sneaks up on you and punches you in the throat, and every part of it seems crazy and foreign at first, from the person and how they make you feel to the new things you find yourself doing, and you’re almost weirded out by how strange it is, and how you’re simultaneously repelled and attracted to it, and you might roll your eyes at it all and say, whatever, I’m not in love, I’m just doing this for awhile, but then one day you realize you want that strange new routine and person and it’s more love than anything else has ever been ever in your whole entire life, ever.
In my late forties, I've discovered that even punches in the throat are rarely on first sight or meeting. Which is odd... you'd think it'd be an instantaneous thing...
posted by infini at 3:58 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Anyway, I think there are two kinds of love. One is the kind of love where a person already has decided the things they want to happen to them, the things they desperately want and need and associate with love, they’ve mapped them out on their own heart beforehand, and they’re just trying to find someone to do them with. They’ve already decided that love = zany photobooth pictures and sharing their favorite movie on the couch once a week and saying this one pet name and them both liking the same band and going to the same coffeeshop and looking up and smiling over a book. So every person they date, they take them on the same walk to the same place and take the same pictures and pose the same pose and try the same lean-in and give the same mix tape, just giving the routine they want a test drive over and over again until it sticks, and then they get all the comforts that come with the routine of loving someone who holds the same things dear, or is at least game for holding your things dear with you.
And then there’s the other kind of love, that kind that sneaks up on you and punches you in the throat, and every part of it seems crazy and foreign at first, from the person and how they make you feel to the new things you find yourself doing, and you’re almost weirded out by how strange it is, and how you’re simultaneously repelled and attracted to it, and you might roll your eyes at it all and say, whatever, I’m not in love, I’m just doing this for awhile, but then one day you realize you want that strange new routine and person and it’s more love than anything else has ever been ever in your whole entire life, ever.
In my late forties, I've discovered that even punches in the throat are rarely on first sight or meeting. Which is odd... you'd think it'd be an instantaneous thing...
posted by infini at 3:58 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think more often, one person feels that instant attraction and the other person responds pretty quickly. In the movies, it's made to look simultaneous.
posted by BibiRose at 7:06 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 7:06 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think it does happen, but it doesn't necessarily mean that's a person you are going to develop a relationship with or have any long term attraction. Honestly, the people that I know that are always falling quickly for someone and finding instant attraction with often have a lot of issues, addictive personalities, and as someone above said, have holes that need to be filled. That being said, I do think it does happen, and it has happened to me, but I wouldn't put too much faith in that instant feeling. I am happily married to someone who I wasn't attracted to instantly, and it's awesome and sexy and lots of chemistry.
posted by Rocket26 at 7:23 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Rocket26 at 7:23 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's the pheromone phenomenon, yo.
I don't know about real love at first sight, but I have *definitely* experienced intense mutual chemistry upon meeting a guy. The attraction is always physical and often inexplicably emotional. It's like there's a magnetic force between us, and it's awesome.
(None of the dudes I've experienced this with have turned into serious boyfriends. YMMV.)
posted by jessca84 at 8:03 AM on March 9, 2013
I don't know about real love at first sight, but I have *definitely* experienced intense mutual chemistry upon meeting a guy. The attraction is always physical and often inexplicably emotional. It's like there's a magnetic force between us, and it's awesome.
(None of the dudes I've experienced this with have turned into serious boyfriends. YMMV.)
posted by jessca84 at 8:03 AM on March 9, 2013
Mutual attraction that turns into something? Doesn't seem incredibly common. I've definitely shared mutual attractions in situations where no one did anything about it, like the girl who performed an ultrasound on me or the girl in the IT department at work who I only saw when I needed my computer fixed. I could tell they were into me, and I was into them (and I am not a delusional guy or anything, I am a lesbian, haha).
I think for lasting relationships, more commonly it starts as a friendship or some sort of typical functional relationship where you get to know one another and realize you have chemistry. The the attraction falls into place once you realize you find one another tolerable.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:56 AM on March 9, 2013
I think for lasting relationships, more commonly it starts as a friendship or some sort of typical functional relationship where you get to know one another and realize you have chemistry. The the attraction falls into place once you realize you find one another tolerable.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:56 AM on March 9, 2013
As someone said above, mutual attraction is not a special event for me, either on a physical or emotional level -- it's something that happens often enough, but I don't necessarily date or even befriend the other person I have had relationships where I wasn't initially attracted to the person in my past, but my best relationship? Well, we planned a future date five minutes into the first date. And we're still together.
However, it was nothing like in the movies or even like some of the stories here. I am not built to have really intense feelings right off the bat.
posted by sm1tten at 8:58 AM on March 9, 2013
However, it was nothing like in the movies or even like some of the stories here. I am not built to have really intense feelings right off the bat.
posted by sm1tten at 8:58 AM on March 9, 2013
I'm not talking about falling in love or the development of a relationship, but the first moments of meeting and reacting to another. In the media mutual attraction is depicted as happening commonly;
Things happen faster in the movies because the audience would be bored to death if the movie depicted the pace at which stuff happens in real life. They even do this with minutiae; think of all the phone calls in movies and TV that don't involve "hello" or "goodbye."
posted by desjardins at 11:14 AM on March 9, 2013
Things happen faster in the movies because the audience would be bored to death if the movie depicted the pace at which stuff happens in real life. They even do this with minutiae; think of all the phone calls in movies and TV that don't involve "hello" or "goodbye."
posted by desjardins at 11:14 AM on March 9, 2013
At risk of going off-topic, it's worth pointing out that almost everything depicted in the media is less common than depicted in the media, because the media is basically a giant machine for locating and promoting the extraordinary – which is what makes things compelling or newsworthy. (This gets particularly hard to remember in those varieties of media that purport to be telling "everyday stories", whether true or fictional. Truly everyday stories are very very hard to make compelling.)
posted by oliverburkeman at 11:34 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by oliverburkeman at 11:34 AM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Mutual attraction happens, sure. It doesn't mean you'll be a good long-term match though. For some people it's a prerequisite to considering long-term companionship. For others it's just an occasional delightful treat.
It never means you found The One, because The One is a cultural myth.
posted by ead at 11:41 AM on March 9, 2013
It never means you found The One, because The One is a cultural myth.
posted by ead at 11:41 AM on March 9, 2013
Both people need to be the kind of person who can respond that way, at least at the time, and they must both be attracted to each other.
It happens all the time.
It also happens that one person feels a strong attraction to a person who is not then and never will be attracted.
Do not worry about this. If you are attracted to someone, slowly or suddenly, just get to know the person and see what happens.
Your questions makes me think you are hoping a bolt from the blue will spare you the uncertainty of meeting and dating. A lotter win is a wonderful thing, but it should never be plan A.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:17 PM on March 9, 2013
It happens all the time.
It also happens that one person feels a strong attraction to a person who is not then and never will be attracted.
Do not worry about this. If you are attracted to someone, slowly or suddenly, just get to know the person and see what happens.
Your questions makes me think you are hoping a bolt from the blue will spare you the uncertainty of meeting and dating. A lotter win is a wonderful thing, but it should never be plan A.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:17 PM on March 9, 2013
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I'm almost 40, on my second marriage, and done a lot of dating. I think the instant mutual attraction thing (where both of us knew immediately there was chemistry) has happened to me about four times, two of which resulted in a relationship of sorts.
But none of those four time looked like something you'd see in a TV show.
posted by Specklet at 9:22 PM on March 8, 2013