Is 30 too old to date online?
March 8, 2013 2:33 PM Subscribe
I'm 30 years old. I really want a long-term relationship that will lead to marriage. I've been on eHarmony for the past few months and am starting to get frustrated at the general lack of response from men my age. On those sites, I get a lot of people who check out my profile but don't respond. I initiated contact with more than 20 guys I found interesting, but only got a response back from one. And he suddenly stopped communicating halfway through our "guided communication" phase. Sure, he could have found someone else, or decided online dating wasn't for him, I totally understand. It's just disheartening when the only guy who responds closes me as a match.
I tweak my profile on a regular basis and update my photos but nothing I do seems to bring more response from men.
Offline, I do a variety of activities centered around my interests that attract men and women of all ages. But the only men who show interest in me are 45+. No offense or hard feelings toward them, but that's just too old for me right now. I get men who are in their 50s, old enough to be my father who flirt and make suggestive remarks. The sad thing is, I'd be interested in some of those men if only they were 15-30 years younger!! Guys my age don't seem to notice me at all. Only older men.
So that makes me think: is my age the culprit? Could it be that the guys my age on eHarmony see that I'm 30 and pass me over for a woman in her 20s? If you're a guy in your 30s, do you prefer women in their 20s? And I probably get attention from older men because to them, I am young. Most of the older men that have flirted with me initially thought I was 25-27 and are usually surprised to learn I'm 30.
Really frustrating. No one wants to date anyone their age. At least, that's how it's feeling to me. I really would prefer a man in his 30s. So my question is:
* Is 30 too old to date online? Am I wasting my time on the dating sites?
* Do men in their 30s generally prefer women in their 20s?
Any insights are appreciated, I'm starting to feel hopeless. I really regret not starting the dating process 10 years earlier! I just wasn't interested in dating in my 20s and now I am...but it might be too late for me. :(
Offline, I do a variety of activities centered around my interests that attract men and women of all ages. But the only men who show interest in me are 45+. No offense or hard feelings toward them, but that's just too old for me right now. I get men who are in their 50s, old enough to be my father who flirt and make suggestive remarks. The sad thing is, I'd be interested in some of those men if only they were 15-30 years younger!! Guys my age don't seem to notice me at all. Only older men.
So that makes me think: is my age the culprit? Could it be that the guys my age on eHarmony see that I'm 30 and pass me over for a woman in her 20s? If you're a guy in your 30s, do you prefer women in their 20s? And I probably get attention from older men because to them, I am young. Most of the older men that have flirted with me initially thought I was 25-27 and are usually surprised to learn I'm 30.
Really frustrating. No one wants to date anyone their age. At least, that's how it's feeling to me. I really would prefer a man in his 30s. So my question is:
* Is 30 too old to date online? Am I wasting my time on the dating sites?
* Do men in their 30s generally prefer women in their 20s?
Any insights are appreciated, I'm starting to feel hopeless. I really regret not starting the dating process 10 years earlier! I just wasn't interested in dating in my 20s and now I am...but it might be too late for me. :(
Your problem is somewhat specific to EHarmony. Their pool is going to skew far older than OKCupid, which is part of your problem. The other issue is that you're ALWAYS going to get unwanted interest from older men chasing women 10-20 years their junior, that's just how it goes. Ignore, delete, and move on.
Have a friend check your profile and messages if you continue to get no response. You may be giving too much detail when most people your age want to get straight to an in-person meeting quickly.
posted by slow graffiti at 2:43 PM on March 8, 2013
Have a friend check your profile and messages if you continue to get no response. You may be giving too much detail when most people your age want to get straight to an in-person meeting quickly.
posted by slow graffiti at 2:43 PM on March 8, 2013
I have a little, very narrow insight into this problem. I'm 32, male, started dating online late last year. In the few months I've been at this, there have been a lot of first dates, much fewer second ones, and only a couple instances of anything that might have approached a capital-R Relationship.
All that said, I've been out with women 26 to 34. Yes, I guess that skews younger than older, but I've definitely not once looked a woman's profile, seen she was 30+, and immediately discounted her.
So: No and maybe, but not really, respectively. :)
posted by rhooke at 2:43 PM on March 8, 2013
All that said, I've been out with women 26 to 34. Yes, I guess that skews younger than older, but I've definitely not once looked a woman's profile, seen she was 30+, and immediately discounted her.
So: No and maybe, but not really, respectively. :)
posted by rhooke at 2:43 PM on March 8, 2013
I have dated online for the last two years and met men from five years younger to 12 years older. I am 45. I have found OKCupid and Oasis to be relatively successful in meeting people My understanding is eHarmony has some basic rules which might reduce your pool of men, including that people who have not yet finalised their divorce are not allowed to register.
I've done some personal testing with various profiles (smiling photo, text that is snarky or not), and I think AskMe has offered great feedback to the people brave enough to bring their profiles here.
posted by b33j at 2:44 PM on March 8, 2013
I've done some personal testing with various profiles (smiling photo, text that is snarky or not), and I think AskMe has offered great feedback to the people brave enough to bring their profiles here.
posted by b33j at 2:44 PM on March 8, 2013
1. No, I do not think 30 is too old to date online. You are above the median first marriage age for American women, but not that much. 30 is still an age where a man can see your age and realistically think that he could have children with you. I do not think you are wasting your time. I think that dating sites are time well spent if properly used.
2. The short answer is that it depends. A man in his 30s who is serious about marriage and a family is not going to look for ages as low as a man in his 30s who is just interested in fooling around. I could see a 30-year-old man who wants to settle down looking at women 25-32, for example. Men generally do not seek women who are much older than them. This is biology. You are going to be on the radar screens of men who are in their mid 30s and older. I would recommend that you keep sending messages to guys that are several years older than you.
While I left the dating world many years ago, I sympathize with your current dilemma. However, I do not think your age is a large obstacle at this point. 35 would be a different story.
Some of this might be specific to eharmony. The guy on the commercials is a fogey. Maybe try some other dating sites.
posted by Tanizaki at 2:46 PM on March 8, 2013
2. The short answer is that it depends. A man in his 30s who is serious about marriage and a family is not going to look for ages as low as a man in his 30s who is just interested in fooling around. I could see a 30-year-old man who wants to settle down looking at women 25-32, for example. Men generally do not seek women who are much older than them. This is biology. You are going to be on the radar screens of men who are in their mid 30s and older. I would recommend that you keep sending messages to guys that are several years older than you.
While I left the dating world many years ago, I sympathize with your current dilemma. However, I do not think your age is a large obstacle at this point. 35 would be a different story.
Some of this might be specific to eharmony. The guy on the commercials is a fogey. Maybe try some other dating sites.
posted by Tanizaki at 2:46 PM on March 8, 2013
I'm a 29 year old male who recently began giving online dating a try. Go ahead and try an OKCupid profile, as several people have already suggested. That's led to several dates for me, including going out several times with a woman two years older than me. So no, 30 is certainly not too old.
Dating Advice Guy has quite a few suggestions on his website (online-dating specific) that I've found helpful; mainly how to setup your profile and what the first messages should be like
posted by lharmon at 2:50 PM on March 8, 2013
Dating Advice Guy has quite a few suggestions on his website (online-dating specific) that I've found helpful; mainly how to setup your profile and what the first messages should be like
posted by lharmon at 2:50 PM on March 8, 2013
You may enjoy this OKCupid Trends post: The Case For An Older Woman.
posted by Jairus at 2:53 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Jairus at 2:53 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Is 30 too old to date online? Am I wasting my time on the dating sites?
Of course it isn't! 30 is pretty young. In fact you may have the opposite problem; 30 may be too young for eHarmony. You might want to try OKCupid as it tends to skew younger.
Do men in their 30s generally prefer women in their 20s?
This is a thorny question. I think the honest answer is probably that there will be modestly more people interested in dating someone in her 20s than 30s, but that the numbers are not skewed so much that this is the issue you are encountering. And skeevy older guys are not who you want to date anyway.
All that said, the single most important factor in the number and kind of responses you get are going to be how attractive your photos appear.
posted by Justinian at 2:54 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Of course it isn't! 30 is pretty young. In fact you may have the opposite problem; 30 may be too young for eHarmony. You might want to try OKCupid as it tends to skew younger.
Do men in their 30s generally prefer women in their 20s?
This is a thorny question. I think the honest answer is probably that there will be modestly more people interested in dating someone in her 20s than 30s, but that the numbers are not skewed so much that this is the issue you are encountering. And skeevy older guys are not who you want to date anyway.
All that said, the single most important factor in the number and kind of responses you get are going to be how attractive your photos appear.
posted by Justinian at 2:54 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Men generally do not seek women who are much older than them. This is biology."
I'm attracted to guys my own damn age. This is also biology.
Sheesh.
OP, no clue. I'm 28, and I'm noticing that even guys my age are looking to date younger. It's really weird. I tried going out with a 35-year-old one time, and I felt like I was on a date with my father. I'm not sure why women are expected to cater to men's preferences (and message men who are older than them even if they're not interested in men who are older than them). Women's preferences are "biological" too.
No advice, just sympathy.
posted by 4bulafia at 2:55 PM on March 8, 2013 [19 favorites]
I'm attracted to guys my own damn age. This is also biology.
Sheesh.
OP, no clue. I'm 28, and I'm noticing that even guys my age are looking to date younger. It's really weird. I tried going out with a 35-year-old one time, and I felt like I was on a date with my father. I'm not sure why women are expected to cater to men's preferences (and message men who are older than them even if they're not interested in men who are older than them). Women's preferences are "biological" too.
No advice, just sympathy.
posted by 4bulafia at 2:55 PM on March 8, 2013 [19 favorites]
I found and met my wife through OKCupid when I was about 40 years old, after about 9 months on online dating sites. She's about 8 years younger, and was the first serious partner I've had who is younger than me. (So there, biology argument)
No, I did not particularly care how old a possible date was when I was looking, so long as they were about +- 15 years of me (my preferences get wider as I age, as with many men), active, fun, and smart. I think the youngest person to whom I ever sent a message was 22, and that elicited a hilarious reply. The oldest was just over 50.
As a point of interest, I routinely ignored both height and age preferences expressed in the profile. It is a numbers game, and the pool was much deeper when I started largely ignoring what I considered to be foolish filters. I'm a great catch, I know/knew it. So, why not offer myself? I also really didn't care if I was "filling people's inbox" when I should have been selected-out. Too bad, as I said above, it is a numbers game and I played those numbers.
I don't believe my wife had specified an age range, so possibly or probably that was simply unnecessary, but I did have some fun dates due to my refusal to be ignored simply due to those preferences.
posted by Invoke at 2:59 PM on March 8, 2013
No, I did not particularly care how old a possible date was when I was looking, so long as they were about +- 15 years of me (my preferences get wider as I age, as with many men), active, fun, and smart. I think the youngest person to whom I ever sent a message was 22, and that elicited a hilarious reply. The oldest was just over 50.
As a point of interest, I routinely ignored both height and age preferences expressed in the profile. It is a numbers game, and the pool was much deeper when I started largely ignoring what I considered to be foolish filters. I'm a great catch, I know/knew it. So, why not offer myself? I also really didn't care if I was "filling people's inbox" when I should have been selected-out. Too bad, as I said above, it is a numbers game and I played those numbers.
I don't believe my wife had specified an age range, so possibly or probably that was simply unnecessary, but I did have some fun dates due to my refusal to be ignored simply due to those preferences.
posted by Invoke at 2:59 PM on March 8, 2013
I'm also going to suggest OKCupid. I'm 46, I met my guy last year on OKCupid, and we're getting married in a couple of weeks. Also, my mom (in her 60's) met her third husband a couple of years back (maybe five?) online when they played Scrabble together. She lived in California, and he was in Oregon. They married after about seven months of chit-chat online and a few times meeting -- ya gotta move fast at their age. :)
So, no, 30 is far from too old for dating online. You're just not reaching the right crowd. Try different dating sites.
posted by patheral at 3:00 PM on March 8, 2013
So, no, 30 is far from too old for dating online. You're just not reaching the right crowd. Try different dating sites.
posted by patheral at 3:00 PM on March 8, 2013
Seconding OKCupid. When I was single I didn't have much luck with eHarmony (I was actually "rejected" by the online pre-screening quiz, lol) but had a lot of pretty good dates that I met on OKCupid. Match.com also had some good results although I wasn't on there for very long. My age range wasn't very specific, but my aim was generally mid 20s - mid 30s. I think my best dates were with women over 30 though, my experience is that they're generally more confident and somewhat less prone to drama (no offense to those of you who are younger).
Reviewing/polishing your profile might help. Also, keep in mind that dating is a numbers game; online dating even more so. Also, where you live could have a big impact - dating in say NYC or LA is going to be radically different than if you're in a small town.
And FWIW don't worry too much about starting late. I'm also a bit of a late bloomer - for a variety of reasons I hardly dated at all until I was in my late 20s. However I've been together with someone since last year, when we met (through a Meetup group) I was 32 and she was 37. So I think you still have plenty of time :)
posted by photo guy at 3:02 PM on March 8, 2013
Reviewing/polishing your profile might help. Also, keep in mind that dating is a numbers game; online dating even more so. Also, where you live could have a big impact - dating in say NYC or LA is going to be radically different than if you're in a small town.
And FWIW don't worry too much about starting late. I'm also a bit of a late bloomer - for a variety of reasons I hardly dated at all until I was in my late 20s. However I've been together with someone since last year, when we met (through a Meetup group) I was 32 and she was 37. So I think you still have plenty of time :)
posted by photo guy at 3:02 PM on March 8, 2013
It looks like you're somewhere in the Bay Area (I just saw you answered a Bay Area question a few down the page) so yeah, OKCupid. I've never talked to anyone around these parts who is on eHarmony, everyone uses OkCupid.
posted by grapesaresour at 3:05 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by grapesaresour at 3:05 PM on March 8, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks, your replies are very helpful. I have not tried OKCupid, I will give it a shot. I am in the SF Bay Area, so there really shouldn't be a shortage of men here.
posted by starpoint at 3:06 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by starpoint at 3:06 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have always thought of eHarmony as the creepy homophobic religious dating site of the bunch. I don't know if they've done much to overcome that repuation, but I can't imagine that many 30-something folks in the Bay Area would want to fork over money to such a company.
If you're a nervous nelly about online dating and meeting folks online, I can understand the appeal of the hoops eHarmony puts their applicants. It feels less risky.
But for folks who feel comfortable with the internet (which is basically the entire Bay Area), OKCupid makes much more sense.
posted by politikitty at 3:08 PM on March 8, 2013 [11 favorites]
If you're a nervous nelly about online dating and meeting folks online, I can understand the appeal of the hoops eHarmony puts their applicants. It feels less risky.
But for folks who feel comfortable with the internet (which is basically the entire Bay Area), OKCupid makes much more sense.
posted by politikitty at 3:08 PM on March 8, 2013 [11 favorites]
I used OKCupid and got a lot of responses that turned into dates (and mostly didn't go past that, but that's okay). For me the magic cut off was age 35. Put 35 and younger and I got a lot of dates. Put 36, and they dropped WAYYY off.
But yes, I didn't mind dating up to about 7 years older, or 5 years younger, so that might have helped. (And now I'm engaged to someone 10 years older. How did THAT happen?!)
I was also constantly getting guys who put 40 as their age and then would explain that although they were actually 54, they were physically, emotionally, psychically MUCH younger than that... ugh. Do none of them realize how repugnant that is?
posted by small_ruminant at 3:09 PM on March 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
But yes, I didn't mind dating up to about 7 years older, or 5 years younger, so that might have helped. (And now I'm engaged to someone 10 years older. How did THAT happen?!)
I was also constantly getting guys who put 40 as their age and then would explain that although they were actually 54, they were physically, emotionally, psychically MUCH younger than that... ugh. Do none of them realize how repugnant that is?
posted by small_ruminant at 3:09 PM on March 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
politikitty pretty much nailed why I never used eHarmony. I figured it was more for the god-fearing crowd or something.
In the olden days I had decent luck on craigslist, believe it or not, but not for years and years now, unless you're looking to be someone's bit of something on the side. Ew.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:10 PM on March 8, 2013
In the olden days I had decent luck on craigslist, believe it or not, but not for years and years now, unless you're looking to be someone's bit of something on the side. Ew.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:10 PM on March 8, 2013
I forgot to address the age/attraction thing. It depends completely on the people involved. During my single/dating time I dated men many years younger than me and many years older than me and everywhere in between. Men are attracted to whomever they are attracted to. If you're stuck on your age then they're gonna be stuck on your age. Most men (in my experience) are gonna date you for who you are, and not care about your age or looks. If they are, you don't want to date them anyway.
posted by patheral at 3:11 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by patheral at 3:11 PM on March 8, 2013
some men in their 30s prefer women in their 20s...and some do not! in fact i would wager that a man in his 30s who wants to find a wife and have a family is more likely to look for women in their 30s as well, because they are more likely to be ready for those pursuits.
in any case 30 is definitely not too old to date online! i have many friends your age or older who have met people they really clicked with using online dating. be up front about what you're looking for (a serious relationship, leading to marriage) and others who are looking for the same thing will be able to find you more easily.
i know okcupid has a reputation for being a hookup site, but there are also people using okc to find someone they can have a long and serious relationship with (i used it for that, successfully).
posted by zdravo at 3:13 PM on March 8, 2013
in any case 30 is definitely not too old to date online! i have many friends your age or older who have met people they really clicked with using online dating. be up front about what you're looking for (a serious relationship, leading to marriage) and others who are looking for the same thing will be able to find you more easily.
i know okcupid has a reputation for being a hookup site, but there are also people using okc to find someone they can have a long and serious relationship with (i used it for that, successfully).
posted by zdravo at 3:13 PM on March 8, 2013
One man's perspective - The 'problem' is not your age by itself.
The challenge you will soon discover upon joining OKC is there are thousands of women on the site, just in your 25 mile radius. Including, thousands of women that are in their 20s. The additional challenge? There's an age search filter - makes it extremely convenient to limit by age.
The perception is that women have less of a choice of good partners to select from compared to men. Which means, men feel they have a lot of choice and selection to date from. And, since there are so many 20-somethings on the site, why go for the 30+ when you can date younger with little-to-no extra effort?
You need to decide if you have enough patience to wait for the 30-something guy to come your way, or... increase your upper age limit in your desired partner.
posted by Kruger5 at 3:22 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
The challenge you will soon discover upon joining OKC is there are thousands of women on the site, just in your 25 mile radius. Including, thousands of women that are in their 20s. The additional challenge? There's an age search filter - makes it extremely convenient to limit by age.
The perception is that women have less of a choice of good partners to select from compared to men. Which means, men feel they have a lot of choice and selection to date from. And, since there are so many 20-somethings on the site, why go for the 30+ when you can date younger with little-to-no extra effort?
You need to decide if you have enough patience to wait for the 30-something guy to come your way, or... increase your upper age limit in your desired partner.
posted by Kruger5 at 3:22 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
My brother (45) found his long term girlfriend on OK Cupid.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 3:50 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by jeff-o-matic at 3:50 PM on March 8, 2013
I found my partner on OKC -- I am in my 40s. As others have said, give it a go. Yes, it wil take time, but as so many have said -- it's a numbers game in many ways.
posted by Lescha at 4:01 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by Lescha at 4:01 PM on March 8, 2013
I'm four years older, with plenty of dates to choose from on OKC (and the beginnings of a promising new relationship with a guy who's 29). Definitely try OKC, and keep messaging people. You'll find someone. Especially in SF.
posted by three_red_balloons at 4:43 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by three_red_balloons at 4:43 PM on March 8, 2013
I have had my most interesting online dating experiences post-30 and on okcupid.
A friend of mine met her husband on chemistry.com (owned by match) when she was well over 35. Another friend met her husband on jdate when she was perhaps 40.
Try different sites, see which you have the best luck with. Tweak your profile text and photos frequently. Get friends to look at them for you. Take their suggestions seriously.
posted by bunderful at 4:44 PM on March 8, 2013
A friend of mine met her husband on chemistry.com (owned by match) when she was well over 35. Another friend met her husband on jdate when she was perhaps 40.
Try different sites, see which you have the best luck with. Tweak your profile text and photos frequently. Get friends to look at them for you. Take their suggestions seriously.
posted by bunderful at 4:44 PM on March 8, 2013
I am 37 and just started dating. Man the same age as me I met on www.ChristianMingle.com, after over a year of flaky failures from eHarmony. I think the guys there are a little more serious about having an actual relationship and the level of religious "fervor" varies. It's not for you if you don't believe in God at all, but could be worth a look. I am not a regular church goer and I don't believe every word of the Bible but I let others make their own decisions about believing, and I remember having that conversation pretty early on with my guy so we weren't misleading each other. So far we are on the same page. I was on there for a couple of months before I started dating my guy in person. Unlike eHarmony you aren't required to do the test for compatibility before matching...it operates more like OKCupid.
posted by MultiFaceted at 5:04 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by MultiFaceted at 5:04 PM on March 8, 2013
You're in the SF Bay Area and you're NOT on OKC??? There are still people on eHarmony in the bay?? Quick, stop checking this thread and make your OKC profile ASAP. Seriously, I have two dozen friends on OKC, and as far as I know 0 on eH. That has to be at least 65% of your problem.
posted by namesarehard at 5:07 PM on March 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by namesarehard at 5:07 PM on March 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
I'm a Match.com kinda guy.
I was 50 when I met my current girlfriend (and future fiance and wife) who was 38.
There IS hope for older folks out there.
I tended to stay away from the free sites like OKCupid and Plenty of Fish, in the hopes that having to pay for it would keep a majority of tire kickers out of the dating pool.
I had zero luck on eHarmony.
I wish you the best! It is a numbers game but when your number comes up, it's worth every bad coffee date you went through to find that right person.
On preview: Photos are massively important, as is your profile. Tweak it, have folks read it, and keep working on it.
posted by THAT William Mize at 5:12 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was 50 when I met my current girlfriend (and future fiance and wife) who was 38.
There IS hope for older folks out there.
I tended to stay away from the free sites like OKCupid and Plenty of Fish, in the hopes that having to pay for it would keep a majority of tire kickers out of the dating pool.
I had zero luck on eHarmony.
I wish you the best! It is a numbers game but when your number comes up, it's worth every bad coffee date you went through to find that right person.
On preview: Photos are massively important, as is your profile. Tweak it, have folks read it, and keep working on it.
posted by THAT William Mize at 5:12 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
What? Whoa. Oh, heck no, 30 is not too old to date online! I've gone on dates with marvelous women in their 30s. If you mention in your profile that you hope to have a family, you'll get fewer dates, but that's actually a good thing since it means weeding out guys who don't want the same thing rather than ending up on dates with them only to end up disappointed again and again. Don't make your profile about finding a husband, but do mention that you want to have kids someday.
You need to be proactive. I know so many women who post profiles and expect the men to come to them, and then they wonder why they never meet great men. Put up a profile. Contact men first. Don't wait for them to contact you.
OKcupid can be great! Yeah, there are people who mock the site, calling it okstupid, but the truth of the matter is, it's free, it's well designed, and it's where everybody is. In the end, you'll get out of it what you put into it. Get realistic photos that show what you look like, not just your face. Write a fun profile. Let your personality shine. Pepper your profile with specific details about stuff you like - the more interesting, the better. The idea is to give people specifics to latch onto as a starting point.
I've never tried eharmony, but based on what my friends have said, it's a sea of desperation on that thing.
posted by 2oh1 at 5:40 PM on March 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
You need to be proactive. I know so many women who post profiles and expect the men to come to them, and then they wonder why they never meet great men. Put up a profile. Contact men first. Don't wait for them to contact you.
OKcupid can be great! Yeah, there are people who mock the site, calling it okstupid, but the truth of the matter is, it's free, it's well designed, and it's where everybody is. In the end, you'll get out of it what you put into it. Get realistic photos that show what you look like, not just your face. Write a fun profile. Let your personality shine. Pepper your profile with specific details about stuff you like - the more interesting, the better. The idea is to give people specifics to latch onto as a starting point.
I've never tried eharmony, but based on what my friends have said, it's a sea of desperation on that thing.
posted by 2oh1 at 5:40 PM on March 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
I was 50 when I met my current girlfriend (and future fiance and wife) who was 38.
You're kind of proving the OP's point. She's thirty, and does not want to date guys twelve+ years older than her. I'm not saying that twelve years' age difference is OMG gross and wrong, but women are allowed to want to date men their age or younger. It's not unreasonable for a 38-year-old woman to want to date a fifty-year-old man, but it's pretty fucking annoying that women in their thirties are supposed to aim older because no man in his thirties would date a woman in her thirties!
I'm in my twenties, and while I'm not currently on any online dating sites, I remember getting scads of messages from guys in their mid-thirties and up when I had an OkCupid profile. I was twenty-three. I was, 99.9% of the time, not interested.
I've heard nothing but terrible things about EHarmony, though, so try OkCupid. At least it's free!
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:43 PM on March 8, 2013 [19 favorites]
You're kind of proving the OP's point. She's thirty, and does not want to date guys twelve+ years older than her. I'm not saying that twelve years' age difference is OMG gross and wrong, but women are allowed to want to date men their age or younger. It's not unreasonable for a 38-year-old woman to want to date a fifty-year-old man, but it's pretty fucking annoying that women in their thirties are supposed to aim older because no man in his thirties would date a woman in her thirties!
I'm in my twenties, and while I'm not currently on any online dating sites, I remember getting scads of messages from guys in their mid-thirties and up when I had an OkCupid profile. I was twenty-three. I was, 99.9% of the time, not interested.
I've heard nothing but terrible things about EHarmony, though, so try OkCupid. At least it's free!
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:43 PM on March 8, 2013 [19 favorites]
My anecdata is ten years old, but I was 34 (and he was 37) when I met my now-husband on Match.com. This is in the Bay Area. It may well be that OKCupid is now the place to be rather than Match, but 30 is definitely not too old.
posted by ambrosia at 5:44 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by ambrosia at 5:44 PM on March 8, 2013
I met a 34 year old man on OKC when I was just shy of my 31st birthday. We just celebrated our third wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. I therefore highly recommend online dating in your 30s.
posted by crankylex at 6:16 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by crankylex at 6:16 PM on March 8, 2013
...And I know a happily married couple who met irrespective of the fact that the woman was ten years the man's senior. Perhaps needless to say, they didn't meet online.
posted by infinite joy at 7:03 PM on March 8, 2013
posted by infinite joy at 7:03 PM on March 8, 2013
... it's pretty fucking annoying that women in their thirties are supposed to aim older
OP, this kind of view will negatively impact any online or offline dating approach you take. Therefore, recommend you take the road of an open mind towards individuals that respectfully express interest in you - many happy couples are with the type of person they specifically ruled out at one point. You always retain the right to pass on anyone, at anytime.
posted by Kruger5 at 7:56 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
OP, this kind of view will negatively impact any online or offline dating approach you take. Therefore, recommend you take the road of an open mind towards individuals that respectfully express interest in you - many happy couples are with the type of person they specifically ruled out at one point. You always retain the right to pass on anyone, at anytime.
posted by Kruger5 at 7:56 PM on March 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Therefore, recommend you take the road of an open mind towards individuals that respectfully express interest in you - many happy couples are with the type of person they specifically ruled out at one point.
Yes, but . . .
-The cultural script sucks, and younger women don't like getting creeped on. I have had actual relationships with guys around my age or slightly older or younger. I have been treated like prize or a piece of ass by older men and run away screaming.
-Does the OP want to have children? Why on earth would she date men 15-20 years older than her if she definitely wants to have children in a few years? Why don't fifty-something dudes realize that they are not prime dad candidates? Women's fertility issues are rammed down our throats from our early twenties. Tick tock, you know. But a father's age matters too, not only in terms of being an energetic, involved parent but also in terms of a higher risk of certain diseases (more research is coming).
-Women have libidos, too. A thirty-year-old woman may not want to date/have sex with graying, older-looking guys, and that is her prerogative. As long as the OP is not only looking for a hot model Dr./Astronaut with a giant penis, I think she is well within her rights to be a little picky, and by a little picky, I mean date guys who she finds attractive and interesting, regardless of age.
OkCupid skews younger, OP. I have female friends in their early thirties who do very well on the OkC.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 8:33 PM on March 8, 2013 [18 favorites]
Yes, but . . .
-The cultural script sucks, and younger women don't like getting creeped on. I have had actual relationships with guys around my age or slightly older or younger. I have been treated like prize or a piece of ass by older men and run away screaming.
-Does the OP want to have children? Why on earth would she date men 15-20 years older than her if she definitely wants to have children in a few years? Why don't fifty-something dudes realize that they are not prime dad candidates? Women's fertility issues are rammed down our throats from our early twenties. Tick tock, you know. But a father's age matters too, not only in terms of being an energetic, involved parent but also in terms of a higher risk of certain diseases (more research is coming).
-Women have libidos, too. A thirty-year-old woman may not want to date/have sex with graying, older-looking guys, and that is her prerogative. As long as the OP is not only looking for a hot model Dr./Astronaut with a giant penis, I think she is well within her rights to be a little picky, and by a little picky, I mean date guys who she finds attractive and interesting, regardless of age.
OkCupid skews younger, OP. I have female friends in their early thirties who do very well on the OkC.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 8:33 PM on March 8, 2013 [18 favorites]
It may be a crude generalisation, but when dating past 30 one theory is a women often prefers a man to be at least ten percent taller then her. Also another equally crude rule is that a man prefers a women 10% younger than him. So if your are 5'7 and 30, the most likely match is 5'9+ and 33+. Obviously there are exceptions but I'd gamble the price of a drink this holds true for most people dating in this range.
posted by molloy at 4:51 AM on March 9, 2013
posted by molloy at 4:51 AM on March 9, 2013
I don't know if you are open to dating/marrying atheist men, but, as I recall, eHarmony screens out people who fall to low on their "religious" radar. I remember seeing a thread where someone else mentioned this and another Mefite (Jessamyn?) tested it and was also not approved. Anyway, if you would be willing to date those guys, you may be missing out on part of the market by limiting yourself to that site.
(I have not tested this in a few years.)
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 6:43 AM on March 9, 2013
(I have not tested this in a few years.)
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 6:43 AM on March 9, 2013
Anecdata: I met my boyfriend via OK Cupid. He messaged me first. I was 30 at the time and he was 29. Both of us had previously dated both younger and older people relative to our ages. So while there may be a general trend for men to prefer younger guys, it's by no means universal.
posted by Kurichina at 8:04 AM on March 9, 2013
posted by Kurichina at 8:04 AM on March 9, 2013
* Is 30 too old to date online? Am I wasting my time on the dating sites?
Definitely not too old, but as others said, try putting up profiles on some other sites (OKC and/or match.com) in addition to eHarmony, and get a friend to critique your text and photos.
* Do men in their 30s generally prefer women in their 20s?
In my experience, absolutely yes, men prefer to date younger, and men in their 30s prefer women in their 20s. Of course there's some individual variation; some men in their 20s will reply to you if you write to them. But you're likely to get a higher response rate the older you go. In other words, if you write 100 men who are age 28 and 100 men who are age 38, you will get more responses from the 38-year-olds if my experience is any guide.
posted by whitelily at 8:22 AM on March 9, 2013
Definitely not too old, but as others said, try putting up profiles on some other sites (OKC and/or match.com) in addition to eHarmony, and get a friend to critique your text and photos.
* Do men in their 30s generally prefer women in their 20s?
In my experience, absolutely yes, men prefer to date younger, and men in their 30s prefer women in their 20s. Of course there's some individual variation; some men in their 20s will reply to you if you write to them. But you're likely to get a higher response rate the older you go. In other words, if you write 100 men who are age 28 and 100 men who are age 38, you will get more responses from the 38-year-olds if my experience is any guide.
posted by whitelily at 8:22 AM on March 9, 2013
I'm a woman in her twenties.
Men in their thirties may prefer to date women in their twenties, but women in their twenties prefer to date men in their twenties.
"Of course there's some individual variation; some men in their 20s will reply to you if you write to them. But you're likely to get a higher response rate the older you go."
Some women in their twenties will reply to you if you write to them. But you're likely to get a higher response rate the older you go.
Rarely is a man in his thirties encouraged to date women decades his senior when he doesn't get much response from women he's actually attracted to. Everyone understands that this isn't a solution. This isn't a solution!
posted by 4bulafia at 8:54 AM on March 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
Men in their thirties may prefer to date women in their twenties, but women in their twenties prefer to date men in their twenties.
"Of course there's some individual variation; some men in their 20s will reply to you if you write to them. But you're likely to get a higher response rate the older you go."
Some women in their twenties will reply to you if you write to them. But you're likely to get a higher response rate the older you go.
Rarely is a man in his thirties encouraged to date women decades his senior when he doesn't get much response from women he's actually attracted to. Everyone understands that this isn't a solution. This isn't a solution!
posted by 4bulafia at 8:54 AM on March 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
Beware: OKCupid is free and some men are gross and/or are assholes. Many of the guys seem to be trolling for one-night stands. My mom (in her 50s) when she just joined, told a guy he needed pictures on his profile if he was going to write her so the guy proceeded to call her fat. Because the site is free, you will get people who don't take it very seriously. On the other hand, I have friends in their 20s who found their boyfriends/girlfriends on there. Basically, don't reply to anything that isn't worth your time and use the block button generously. I wish I had told her not to reply to any sketchy messages and am now filled with guilt as that guys comment seemed to bother her. Just like in real life, some people are jerks, but online and anonymously, people are far more willing.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:13 AM on March 9, 2013
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:13 AM on March 9, 2013
You're not too old. I was 39 and my husband 43 when we met online seven years ago. I think six of my girlfriends met and married (age-appropriate) men online when they were in their late 30s.
Unfortunately, sometimes online dating can feel like homework. I dated online for many years, and as Invoke said, it's totally a numbers game. You'll send out many more emails/pokes/winks/whatevers than you'll receive responses for. It helped me to realize that it didn't mean anything about me - people are busy, dating, not interested in dating, or something, but it didn't mean there was something wrong with or undesirable about me.
Definitely try out other sites, and make sure you have pictures up. Spring was always my best dating season - enjoy! :)
posted by Wet Hen at 10:28 AM on March 9, 2013
Unfortunately, sometimes online dating can feel like homework. I dated online for many years, and as Invoke said, it's totally a numbers game. You'll send out many more emails/pokes/winks/whatevers than you'll receive responses for. It helped me to realize that it didn't mean anything about me - people are busy, dating, not interested in dating, or something, but it didn't mean there was something wrong with or undesirable about me.
Definitely try out other sites, and make sure you have pictures up. Spring was always my best dating season - enjoy! :)
posted by Wet Hen at 10:28 AM on March 9, 2013
Mod note: A few comments removed; please do not debate other commenters.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:08 PM on March 9, 2013
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:08 PM on March 9, 2013
Ach, patterns, statistics, yes yes, they're useful to recognize, but it's much much more important, and fruitful, to focus on your unique personhood, and your power to act as a human being. There's as much or more variation within a group (of e.g. thirty-something women) as without it - ultimately things will come down to you. Look to the sociological only to inform the broad outlines of your strategy (OkCupid vs. eHarmony); look to the psychological to implement it (focus on whatever room there might be for improvement of your profile/pics online, and your behaviour offline).
posted by nelljie at 12:34 PM on March 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by nelljie at 12:34 PM on March 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think maybe my response was misunderstood. I wasn't trying to suggest a poor solution to a problem, nor was I suggesting the OP date people to whom she isn't attracted. I simply answered the questions she was asking. In my experience, yes, men in their 30s generally prefer women in their 20s. The OP can do as she wishes with that information.
posted by whitelily at 7:16 PM on March 9, 2013
posted by whitelily at 7:16 PM on March 9, 2013
I tried eHarmony, as well as okcupid, plentyoffish, lavalife, and others. Okcupid and plentyoffish were popular in my city. I met several boyfriends on there, including my now-fiance.
The thing I noticed about eharmony is that since people are actually paying for it, and the site promises high-quality matches, people had high expectations and a sense of entitlement. Guys were quick to drop contact, and some were even arrogant enough to say "you're great but not perfect, I'm not interested in anything less than perfect". It also seemed like a lot of my matches hadn't been active for months. Not worth paying for that.
posted by ergo at 4:28 AM on March 10, 2013
The thing I noticed about eharmony is that since people are actually paying for it, and the site promises high-quality matches, people had high expectations and a sense of entitlement. Guys were quick to drop contact, and some were even arrogant enough to say "you're great but not perfect, I'm not interested in anything less than perfect". It also seemed like a lot of my matches hadn't been active for months. Not worth paying for that.
posted by ergo at 4:28 AM on March 10, 2013
nth-ing 30 is not too old. And OKC is the place to go for Bay Area, I have not heard of anyone around here using eHarmony.
I (male) am 28, so not quite 30 yet, but my typical range is about 24 to 35. Simply because I have more in common with the older women that I find interesting than with the younger, especially around here. Everybody has their own preferences.
posted by jraenar at 7:02 PM on March 10, 2013
I (male) am 28, so not quite 30 yet, but my typical range is about 24 to 35. Simply because I have more in common with the older women that I find interesting than with the younger, especially around here. Everybody has their own preferences.
posted by jraenar at 7:02 PM on March 10, 2013
A friend of mine met her partner on Match.com - they've been together for a few years now and recently bought a house together. (They aren't married, because marriage isn't something either of them are that bothered about, but both names on a mortgage is pretty committed in my book.) She was 35 when she met him.
I'm 30 and most people I've been out with have been 3-4 years older. It wasn't a planned thing, I only met one of them online - it just happened that way. This was in my 20s (I've been in a relationship for a long time). By 'my age', do you mean dead on 30 or a couple of years either way? I think more than a few years each way would make me feel like we were from different generations, but there's not a huge difference socially and pop-culturally between a 30yr old and a 34yr old. Or a 30yr old and a 27 yr old. As others have said, OK Cupid might work better for you - and if you haven't dated much before, it's not a bad thing to go on casual dates to narrow down what you really want in a long-term partner.
posted by mippy at 4:48 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm 30 and most people I've been out with have been 3-4 years older. It wasn't a planned thing, I only met one of them online - it just happened that way. This was in my 20s (I've been in a relationship for a long time). By 'my age', do you mean dead on 30 or a couple of years either way? I think more than a few years each way would make me feel like we were from different generations, but there's not a huge difference socially and pop-culturally between a 30yr old and a 34yr old. Or a 30yr old and a 27 yr old. As others have said, OK Cupid might work better for you - and if you haven't dated much before, it's not a bad thing to go on casual dates to narrow down what you really want in a long-term partner.
posted by mippy at 4:48 AM on March 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't know any men who've used eHarmony, but tons and tons who use OKCupid -- of course, some are in it just for hookups, but plenty are looking for something more serious. Plenty of guys in their 30s. This is in New York, where everyone online dates, though; things might be different where you are.
posted by oinopaponton at 2:43 PM on March 8, 2013