How do I make this odd romantic getaway a success?
March 7, 2013 10:06 PM   Subscribe

We met when I was there. We dated when I was there. Now he's coming here. And I'm freaking out (a shmear).

I started dating a gentleman who lives across the country (I was in his hometown for three weeks for work earlier this year). We dated while I was there. Since I've come home, we've talked and skyped almost every day, and he wants to come visit. I think this is a great idea, as I miss him and want to get to spend more time together. Here's the thing: we've only dated, in the same city, for a couple of weeks. Dinner, movies, etc. Some making out, but no sleepovers. Now we're planning to meet in a large city near where I live and spend 4-5 days together-- and share a hotel room. If it's relevant, we're in our early 30s.

I'm a bit nervous-- what can I do to help make this a success? Sharing a hotel room is fairly intimate for two people who have never even had a sleepover... and 4 days is a lot of togetherness for two people who don't know each other THAT well yet. He doesn't know anyone else in the city, but he's fine with entertaining himself while I go off and see other friends.

I want this to be fun and stress-free. Is possible?
posted by airguitar2 to Human Relations (8 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I'm not actually sure where the problem is here. Everything will be fine. Enjoy yourself. Have some champagne in the room ready for when you check in so you can relax :)
posted by empath at 10:17 PM on March 7, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Is totally because you've got two key parts of this equation for fun and stress-free already accomplished: you're super excited to see him, and he's obviously super excited to see you. This is one of those life moments where you gotta just let go of whatever worry you've got and give yourself over to the sheer awesomeness of this opportunity. Be giddy. Be stoked. Take time for yourself when you need it. Ask questions to clarify thoughts and don't assume anything. Do what feels right, and don't do what feels to be too soon or ill-timed. Don't allow yourself to lose sight of boundaries because of the close proximity and the time limit placed on you.

But really, have an excellent time, and maybe come back and tell us how things went. :)
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:19 PM on March 7, 2013 [5 favorites]

Hotels are fun!

If it is any consolation for you.... My husband and I knew each other for two months, dated for two weeks, got married, and then he down scaled (apartment-wise) to live with me in my fancy studio apartment because it was a cool place in a cool part of town. We were happy as clams for over a year in (basically) one room, five years later we have a much bigger home and son.

I'm pretty sure you will enjoy your 4 days!

You don't have to have sex, yo. But you probably will. Hotels are AWESOME. Hotel sex is AWESOME.

(I guess have a back-up plan if you find he doesn't brush his teeth regularly or something equally negative. But you know him well enough, you dig him! Have a back-up plan to stay elsewhere that you hopefully won't have to deploy!)
posted by jbenben at 10:52 PM on March 7, 2013

Best answer: I'm a bit nervous-- what can I do to help make this a success?

I hope you don't find this answer unhelpful, but I want to say something about success of the long haul that will hopefully also calm your nerves a bit.

If you invest a lot of time and emotion in someone before you really have the chance to get to know them in person, you can become very... invested. So invested that you can overlook things that aren't great or really don't work so well, because you've really built this person up in your heart and invested all this time into them. You can get really clenched about doing everything you can to smooth over any problems, because if there turn out to be problems or if it turns out to be not so great after all in some ways... then what?

So relax. If it doesn't go that well in person, it is actually really good to see that. Before you say, move to his hometown or he moves to yours. If you can't come up with something you both want to do, or you sit around really bored staring at each other, it's good to see that. If plans go awry and he acts sullen and unhappy, its good to see that. It's good to see all of the things that can go wrong, so don't worry about making sure that everything is perfect. The best scenario would be if everything went wrong and you guys had an awesome time. Then you could feel even more confident in continuing...
posted by cairdeas at 11:04 PM on March 7, 2013 [18 favorites]

If its not unaffordable, consider the option of always being able to take a second room. Personal space is also a thing, especially when you're still at this early stage of intimacy building. It can be right next door, not on a different floor :)
posted by infini at 1:26 AM on March 8, 2013 [6 favorites]

If not a second room, see if you can find a deal on a suite so you at least have some living space. Or check VRBO/Homeaway to see if you can get a little apartment - being able to cook with someone would be nice.

There's not much you can do if it just turns out you don't get on that well. But burnout is an avoidable problem - don't over-schedule, make time for alone time*, avoid living entirely on top of each other if you can.

The other thing to do is to talk. Don't just sit around fretting about the sleeping situation, bring it up and talk it out. Re-talk about it if things change over the course of the weekend. Learn how to check in with each other. These will be useful skills if you continue to date, and will help avoid misunderstandings.

*People have to poop, among other things. It's my primary issue with sharing hotel rooms, even with my husband. I need peace and quiet for that, and not feeling like someone's lurking outside the door waiting to get in to pee, and I get cranky if I don't get it.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:53 AM on March 8, 2013

Are you nervous about sharing a hotel room or all the time you'll spend together? You could suggest that he have the hotel/you have your home, make plans to see each plenty and see how it goes. Honestly, if you're feeling like sharing a hotel room at this point is more intimate than you want to be, I'd pay attention to that. If everything rolls smoothly and you're feeling really great about him, you can always spend the night.
posted by biscuits at 11:25 AM on March 8, 2013

Response by poster: Just chiming back in to say the weekend getaway was a total success! We'd both prepared to have "alone time"-- and ended up not needing it at all. We got along great, and it turns out we travel well together. So... lots of worry for nothing. But thanks for all the tips. :) We're making plans for another trip together before long...
posted by airguitar2 at 7:40 PM on April 3, 2013

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