Are my parents helicoptering?
March 7, 2013 11:50 AM   Subscribe

Overall I have a very good relationship with my parents. However, some of their behaviors annoy me sometimes and there is this general feeling I get with our interactions in which I feel like I'm being treated like a teenager. So I'd like to get the Metafilter consensus: this normal parent behavior? Details inside.

There are little things my parents do that make me feel like an adolescent. For example, when I was job searching after graduating college recently, they were telling me how to go about it even though I felt very confident and in control and didn't ask for help. I am a web designer and developer and they told me to forget about a portfolio and to just use a resume... Just general outdated and ignorant advice. Which would be tolerable if it wasnt for the fact that they ignored my request to back off.

During the Christmas visit with them, I had to go to the urgent care to get a check up on an ongoing medical issue. They wanted to know every detail right down to asking me to lift my shirt so they could get a look at my injury! My dad assumed that I was taken advantage of by my doctor at home and was going on about how to handle doctor visits. I had to tell him, no, I know exactly what I'm doing and I made a thoughtful, well informed decision about my medical care.

Most recently, an ongoing issue between us finally prompted me to get another opinion and post here. I am driving with my boyfriend from the east coast to my home in the Midwest. My parents want me to text when I leave and when I get home so they know I'm safe. They do this anytime I go anywhere long distance. I've been on many roadtrips and it is not getting better.

I just don't know if this is normal parent behavior or if my parents are hovering too close. Iam 25 years old and have lived on my own for 7 years. I'm at the point where I am afraid they will never trust me as an adult.
posted by daisies to Human Relations (68 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think their behavior is somewhere inbetween. With the job-search stuff, they're just well-meaning. My parents do it too. It's awful, and it's super common.

The medical thing is pushy.

The driving thing is normal, they just want to know that you're safe. Only a text? Not a big deal.
posted by radioamy at 11:53 AM on March 7, 2013 [14 favorites]


It isn't abnormal. My mother isn't like that but my in-laws certainly are. I am quite familiar with the "call us when you land so we know you're safe!" thing. (Wouldn't they hear about it if our plane crashed?) Anyway, it's annoying but they love you and they knew you when you were 3 years old and it's hard for some parents to ever really see their kids as adults. The easiest thing for me is to adjust my expectations to the reality they they will never see us as true grown-ups no matter how old we are, limit what we tell them accordingly, and keep in mind that it's done primarily from a place of love.
posted by something something at 11:54 AM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


First two situations are overbearing and not respectful of your autonomy and boundaries. Third is annoying but normal.
posted by skewed at 11:54 AM on March 7, 2013


Best answer: I think they're just being concerned about you. I'm 26, and I think it's just really hard for them to accept their new role in your life--to you, it seems really different and of course you don't need them, but for them a) they've structured a lot of their life around caring for you and b) it probably doesn't seem that long ago to them that they were saying "don't touch fire!" and it was a new and novel concept to you. What helped me with my lingering feelings of "LEAVE IT ALONE!" about this was remembering that it's not about me, it's about them, and their struggle to find a place in your life now that you're not dependent on them.

So really, be gentle with them. Set boundaries appropriately, like you would with anyone, but realize that it's not a reflection on your adultness or independence, it's a reflection of them expressing love in inconvenient ways. They may never work past it, but it's not on us as 20somethings to feel offended by this--we know we can function, we know we can trust ourselves. Your parents sound well within the range of normal for caring, functional folks.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 11:57 AM on March 7, 2013 [4 favorites]


It is normal and remember that to them you will always be a certain age, no matter what you have accomplished. I know it's annoying, but learn to appreciate their well meaning selves. They care about you and wants what's best for you. In time when you get older and perhaps find yourself as a parent, you can decide not to be that way, or be surprised when you find yourself being just like them without noticing you reached that point. In short. It's because they care.
posted by i_wear_boots at 11:58 AM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you were in your first year on your own I would describe this as well meaning and annoying and totally normal. After seven years though I'd describe it as still well meaning and definitely annoying and not terribly uncommon but still worth talking to them about if it bothers you.
posted by ook at 11:59 AM on March 7, 2013


Best answer: All three examples sound normal-but-annoying to me, too.

If you're looking to get them to back off, two useful tactics are:
-- judicious secrecy, as the young rope-rider suggests, and
-- being generally upbeat about things when communicating with them, because nothing triggers parental protect-and-fix instincts like the sense that their kid is in distress about something.
posted by Bardolph at 12:00 PM on March 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm over 40, and my dad still tells me how to conduct job searches. After a point, you have to accept that you may be an adult as well as their child, but they are also your parents as well as adults. They've got the most significant years of their lives wrapped up in being responsible for your happiness and well-being. It's a hard habit to break, and some will never be able to break it. FWIW, and not to be a downer, but I'd give up a lot of independent adulthood to have my mom still be around to give me bad, unsolicited advice.

If a close friend of mine is injured, I will generally demand to witness the gore personally, and my friends do the same to me. I'd call that human curiosity more than overparenting. And again, parents are always going to assume they know best - they will likely not age out of this, and as long as they don't push it out of the advice category and into insistence, it's fairly normal and healthy.

Texting the people who love you to let them know you're safe is a courtesy. Having people who love you enough to care whether you're safe is a gift.

It's clear you're feeling smothered, and I get that, but it also sounds a bit like you might have a heightened sensitivity to this from them. Nothing you've described seems like helicoptering or out-of-bounds parenting to me.
posted by kythuen at 12:00 PM on March 7, 2013 [16 favorites]


They sound well-meaning. I think the job resume example is overstepping. It's not easy but let these things roll of your back if you can. Thank them for their input and do what you want.

The doctor thing -- a bit odd but they sound concerned.

The road trip thing -- you are their loved one. They worry about you. Totally normal. There are probably a lot of parents who will call their adult children during the road trip or ask that they not go at all. At 39-years-old I have had my father tell me that he didn't want me to drive three hours away. I kind of laughed and went anyway -- of course.

As you get older and they see you doing what you want in spite of their advice, they will probably back off even further. So far, they don't seem overly controlling. Many parents cannot stop treating their adult kids like children. It takes a while for a lot of people.
posted by Fairchild at 12:02 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


Texting at the beginning and end of a long roadtrip is not helicoptering at all. Making your travel arrangements for you or not letting you get a driver's license or calling the companies you're applying to would be helicoptering. Worrying about you when you're headed to urgent care, that's just parenting.
posted by headnsouth at 12:02 PM on March 7, 2013 [11 favorites]


In a lot of ways, parents are like cats. They're both weird and it's totally normal. Not to say it's not infuriating at times, but most definitely normal.

Datapoint: I'm 48, I've lived over 2000 miles away from my parents for over 30 years, talk to my mom weekly, and every time I go on vacation, my mother insists that I call her when I get there.

It makes no sense, but I do it because it makes her happy and it's not a big deal.

And by the way, it seems like the responses you've been giving them are incredibly mature and level headed. I would've bitten my parent's faces off at your age and yelled at them for thinking I'm still a baby.
posted by kinetic at 12:03 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's normal. They love you.

Be thankful you have parents that care.
posted by matty at 12:04 PM on March 7, 2013 [8 favorites]


Eh, sounds like normal overly-concerned parent behavior to me. My grandparents still do this to their children (who are all in their 40s and 50s!) and it's annoying but hey, old habits die hard.
posted by DoubleLune at 12:05 PM on March 7, 2013


Your parents haven't yet moved on with you into the adultworld.

Meaning, they haven't accepted you as an adult because you are still their little baby, or their 6 year old, or their thirteen year old, etc.

Give it a few more years.

You'll notice they really start to back off more when/if you get married and/or have children. Not that those should be what does it, but for whatever reason in my circle of friends for both males and females, the real acceptance of our adulthood on the part of our parents was when we started our own families.

Humor them as you can in the meantime. I found that, "Thanks for the advice," "I'll certainly consider it," "I appreciate your input," worked rather well in appeasing them.
posted by zizzle at 12:06 PM on March 7, 2013


Best answer: I don't know if you're asking the right questions here. The issue isn't whether these actions are normal or not but the fact that they bother you and make you feel childish/condescended to/or whatever. I agree with the young rope-rider; the key is to create boundaries by withholding information that will result in unpleasant interactions (remember, you can't change them--you can only change you).

I no longer tell my mom much about fights with my husband; I don't tell her bad news about my career and I give her a minimum of travel details. All of these seem to induce anxiety in her and then she nags because it makes her feel safer and we have just the kind of interactions you describe. With things like texting before and after a trip, in my opinion it's sufficient to let someone know when you got in--but needlessly complicating to have to contact them at the beginning of a trip or to call immediately upon arrival. So I just tell my mom that I'll be too busy getting the car packed or whatever, but I'll email or text or call when I'm settled in. Sure, she doesn't love being put off, but what's she going to do?

And frankly, I feel a lot better about these things when I've created boundaries and expectations for the interactions. Otherwise, my mother's anxieties often seep over to me--she'll call me up and tell me not to drive in the rain and I'll fret and be a wreck. But if I just tell her "Thank you for your concern; I'm fine"--or if I don't tell her my itinerary at all--the whole interaction is lower stakes and easier to manage for me.

I mean, who cares if the interactions are normal? The problem is that they upset you. So manage your own end of it more carefully to minimize conflict. That's really all you can do.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:07 PM on March 7, 2013 [7 favorites]


Annoying as their unsolicited advice might be, you're living on your own and making your own way in the world, yeah? Your parents have no leverage. Smile and nod and change the subject. "Helicoptering" would be more like: your parents write a resume for you, send it round without your knowledge, and set up job interviews for you. If that's not happening, don't sweat this stuff. They mean well.
posted by trunk muffins at 12:07 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


Best answer: What everyone else said: 1 normal; 2 quasi-normal and yes, annoying; 3 normal and polite.

Try to remember that even when you are big grown adult with all the adult shit of a job, a home, maybe a spouse or partner and maybe some kids of your own, you will still be their child. Not a child, sure, but their child. They created you from some cells, grew you and provided for you and reared you, and they are going to have a degree of proprietary interest in you for a good long while.

And I bet you won't believe me cuz this is shit old people say, but... one day, this will change. It will be your turn to step up and care for them in their increasingly small and insular, dull and selfish worlds, and you will badly miss the days when they were able to engage with your world and show they care for you this way. Because you'll be like "Hey, we're buying a new house!" and they'll be all "MY LUNCH IS LATE, CALL 911, WHERE IS MY LUNCH?!!!!"

I may be projecting here...
posted by DarlingBri at 12:10 PM on March 7, 2013 [13 favorites]


The first two are fairly normal, if annoying and not respectful of your adulthood and boundaries. Parents gonna parent though.

The third is really normal though, as annoying as it might be. It's not about not trusting you as an adult so much as it is just them worrying, and not entirely without reason. I think it's reasonable for them to want to know when you leave/when you get there, so they know you're safe. Driving is actually one of the most dangerous things we do everyday, and it doesn't take much time or effort to assure your parents you haven't crashed your car in the middle of nowhere on a long road trip. Even on shorter trips, it's just a courtesy that barely takes any effort on your part, and one that can make a big difference to their peace of mind. Also, it's just plain practical to let someone know your basic itinerary on longer trips just in case something does go wrong.

That said, it is annoying and I do find myself resentful of the brainspace taken up by being "accountable" to someone for even something as small as a "got home safe" text. Which is why I practice the judicious secrecy young rope-rider is talking about. Learning when and what to omit when it comes to talking to my parents has been one of the valuable lessons of adulthood!
posted by yasaman at 12:11 PM on March 7, 2013


The job hunt thing -- this is normal parent behavior. I, too, have a career my parents don't understand, and they try to give me work advice. Because they mean well. I just smile and act grateful and do my own thing. They typically don't hear "stop giving me advice", either. You just have to smile, nod, and ignore. I would say that if that's not acceptable, if they're more hands on than just giving advice or if your not taking their advice causes conflict, that is where a line might be crossed.

The medical thing -- I don't have direct experience with this, but I know a lot of people whose parents have trouble with boundaries around medical stuff. Probably because, when you're the parent of a child, those boundaries don't exist and you really do need to know this stuff and make good decisions about your child's health. Then suddenly your child is an adult and you have to radically shift your approach.

The road trip thing -- I think this is a little overprotective, yeah. If it were me I probably just wouldn't do it, and assume that eventually they'll get the point. This is how you build adult boundaries with your parents. That said, it's "a little overprotective", not "crazypants helicopter parenting wtf is wrong with them".
posted by Sara C. at 12:12 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


The first two are overbearing and pushy.

The third is totally normal. My parents want me to let them know I've arrived home safely when I *fly* places, and a) I'm 36 and b) if a commercial flight crashes, boy howdy are they going to hear about it on the news anyway.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:12 PM on March 7, 2013


The first two sound overbearing, but also sound like very normal adjustments that parents have a hard time making when their kids go from being college kids to adults.

The last is something that I think many people do with loved ones, regardless of whether it's a parent/child relationship. I, too, found it annoying when my mom asked me to do it. Will I ask my (currently 1 year old) son to do it when he starts to drive/travel on his own? You bet your ass. Being a parent changes your perspective.
posted by Betelgeuse at 12:13 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yep, annoying-but-normal. My own parents also ask me to always call when I get home after seeing them so they know I made it okay (and, actually, have recently started to call ME when they get home from visiting ME).

Pretty much the only thing I would have called them on (rather than just rolling my eyes and chuckling at) is your father asking you to lift your shirt so he could look at where you were hurt, but even then the most I'd have done is a bemused look and making a crack about not knowing Dad had gotten his medical license or something. But that's more because I know my Dad responds well to people being a little bit wiseass to him; your approach is actually better.

It feels infantilizing, but it's more due to them feeling like it was only a short time ago that you needed them to wipe your ass and at some level them feeling like you're still their baby. Gently enforcing the boundaries that really bug you, and rolling your eyes and humoring them on the rest, is really all you can do.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:13 PM on March 7, 2013


"I am driving with my boyfriend from the east coast to my home in the Midwest. My parents want me to text when I leave and when I get home so they know I'm safe. They do this anytime I go anywhere long distance."

This is both common courtesy and a good safety practice! I'm 34 and I got a little snippy with my parents a couple months ago when they failed to e-mail me that they'd arrived safely after a plane flight to go on a vacation from a place I was not, to a place I was not, in travel plans that had nothing to do with me. Usually they at least send a text saying, "We've arrived"! I worry, you know? 20 years ago it was really common to give your full itinerary to close relatives so that people could reach you in an emergency or would know you were in Anytown when the multicar pileup happened there and maybe they should call your hotel. Today with cheap long distance, and texts, and e-mail, you can be a little more on-the-fly about checking in. But yes, for long-distance travel, I always check in with a close relative when I leave and arrive, and it's courteous when you're going to or from visiting someone to check in with them on the far end.

Honestly if a friend who lives 15 minutes away drives home during a nasty snowstorm, I'll say as they leave, "Text me when you get there so I know you got home okay!" This is not abnormal, my other friends do it too!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:14 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm 42 and live in another country and my mother still does this, just by skype and phone now. Adding subtitles to what they say can help it be less annoying. When my Dad said "have you checked your oil in your car recently", I heard "I am worried your car will break down in the middle of no where and I love you and worry".

It helps to hear what they mean not what they say.

Setting boundaries helps, specially in your 20's when you are still at the whole proving to yourself that you are independent of your parents stage. Tell them less, and they will worry less. I like having my mother in my life, so I tell her stuff and then tease her when crosses the line and we laugh about it.

My father almost never told me he loved me, but now almost 5 years after he's passed away, I'd give anything to have him nag me about the oil level in my car one more time.
posted by wwax at 12:15 PM on March 7, 2013 [11 favorites]


OH, I forgot to mention - I am FORTY-THREE and my parents are still asking me to call them when I make it home from a visit.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:16 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


We have a saying in Chinese, once you have a child (or children) you will have a child (or children) until they are 99. You will forever be seen as a child that they will worry over and overly protective about. Do you ever hear people say "Oh My God, I have become my mother (father!)" You'll be the same or have some of the same habits when you have children. I know this because I now have a child.

I have a friend who is 68 years old. Her mother is still alive and strong at almost 90. My friend tells me her mother still calls her and asks if she had dinner and if she needs anything. On cold nights, her mother calls and asks if she has enough blankets because it will be very cold overnight. My 68 year old friend says it's annoying, but it's nice that her mother is still alive to nag her.

So, be happy you have people who love you and worry to pieces over you.
posted by Yellow at 12:20 PM on March 7, 2013 [3 favorites]


Best answer: If you want boundaries with your parents, set them like an adult. This is your job, not theirs. And it's not a flaw - they don't have a problem just because you're annoyed - they're just being older than you and they think they know. Sometimes - as hugely irritating as this is when you're 25 - they actually do. You can listen with half an ear, take what you need, leave the rest, and learn to understand that sometimes being massively annoying is a parent's way of saying they care about you.

This isn't so much helicoptering as you refusing to let go of the rails.

Learn to say no, learn to manage your own privacy.

You may never really be an adult to them - sometimes it'll happen when you get married, or if you have kids. Or not. You don't get to make them act how you want them to act, so you just need to look out for yourself.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:20 PM on March 7, 2013 [4 favorites]


Yeah, all pretty normal. I was positively stunned by the degree to which things changed when I bought a house (and again when married) -- like somehow that external marker meant more than time or success or anything else in convincing them that I was an adult and could be treated (somewhat) like one, rather than assumed to be an idiot in need of guidance. And my folks really predate most of the helicopter phenomenon...
posted by acm at 12:21 PM on March 7, 2013


To quote the Rabbi at my boss' mother's funeral, "Worrying is a form of caring."

They care.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:21 PM on March 7, 2013


The job hunt thing might've been about their feelings, wanting you to succeed and become independent.

The medical thing would be unacceptable to me, on all levels.

Though I am in my thirties and live far away from my father, I still let him know when I'm leaving and arriving home from big trips. Mostly for international travel only, or when I've gone to questionable places. He asks to be updated, and I'm happy to comfort him.

I would need to hear more examples to make a determination on whether or not your parents are helicoptering. As far as a way to handle it, I would focus on telling them how it makes you feel vs instructing them not to hover. I would hope if they understood the negativity it provokes within you, they would be more inclined to back off a bit. It's worth a try.
posted by cior at 12:21 PM on March 7, 2013


To make the distinction: helicoptering is when they call the jobs you've applied for and ask why you didn't get them, or insist on going into the exam room with you.

And calling when you get home is a courtesy.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:22 PM on March 7, 2013


Your parents sound like they are being parents.

It doesn't matter how old you are, your parents are always going to be your parents and always going to worry about you, even if they see you as a competent, trustworthy adult.

My friends and I text each other when we drive home from each other's houses late at night. Heck, my parents usually text ME to tell me they arrived somewhere safe when they go on road trips.

The medical issue thing is pushy--but you say this is an ongoing medical thing, so the amount of pushy it is, really depends. If this is an ongoing thing that you've dealt with your whole life and your parents really know your medical history with regards to it, I'd probably think of it as less invasive. I have an ongoing medical issue that I've had my whole life--my mom knows way more about the surgeries I had when I was a toddler than I do.

But you can control what you tell your parents.
posted by inertia at 12:24 PM on March 7, 2013


Empty nesters? They only have you to coo over? It could be worse. Tolerate their concern.
posted by Cranberry at 12:25 PM on March 7, 2013


Read this story and the comments/stories underneath it:

World's Most Embarrassing Mom Makes Peruvian Government Hunt Down Her Son When He Stops Posting on Facebook

It will help you cope/feel less embarrassed by your parents helicoptering.
posted by discopolo at 12:30 PM on March 7, 2013


It seems somewhat normal to me. I think you should indulge them in being worried about your health and safety and be more forceful about boundaries when it comes to things that involve personal preferences (art, food, etc.). I think things like career choices are somewhere in between. You are lucky to have two engaged and caring parents.
posted by Dansaman at 12:42 PM on March 7, 2013


Since my mom got her Blackberry (she's 72) I'm off the hook if I text her when I get home!

The whole, let me know you got home safe, thing is pretty normal and you'll be doing it forever.

You need to learn to blow your parents off.

"Blah, blah, blah, resume, blah"

"Thanks mom!" Do what you were going to do.

"Blah, Blah, doctor, blah, blah, Dr. Oz, blah, blah NPR.."

"Thanks Mom!" Do what you were doing to do.

You get the idea. If I'm staying with my parents, I'll get up to use the john, and my Mom will ask, "Where are you going?"

I have a choice of two responses, "To the john to drop a deuce." or "I'm going to prowl through your jewelry box, where the fuck do you think I'm going?"

I'll tell you what though, I am so blessed to still have both of my parents so I'll put up with the weirdness.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:50 PM on March 7, 2013 [4 favorites]


Best answer: Yep, it's insulting. I'm in my forties, a lawyer, a good parent, a competent adult. Still, when vacationing with my parents, I said I'd go get seafood on my way back from some sight-seeing, and when I got to the seafood market, there was my dad, buying seafood. He was concerned I wouldn't get enough. Ironical twist: he'd already bought the seafood, and hadn't gotten enough.

Or last week, I was yapping with my mother on the phone, and said I needed to get off the phone because my boss was calling on the other phone. I've been working for him for nearly a decade, and I'm a partner in the law firm. Still, four hours later, I got email from her, expressing concern that I'd been fired for being on the other line.

Although these feel like insults, they're really just my parents' way of seeing me as the incompetent child they knew for all those years when I lived at home -- the one who got fired from her first job at age 15 because I was on the phone all the time, the one who was incapable of accurately estimating anything. The fact that I've grown up? Lost on them. Whatever. I'm just glad I vacation with them and talk to them several times a week. I adore their silly ways, and will truly miss their weird insecurities about my life when they're gone.
posted by Capri at 12:52 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'd say it's normal. I'm 40 and I still have to text my mother after I go home from visiting her. It's only a 15 minute drive. I make Siri do it.

But specifically about the medical issue: I can't blame your parents at all. The name Urgent Care is downright frightening. Saying you need to go to Urgent Care for an issue that couldn't wait until you returned home would ring a few bells for even a laid-back parent.
posted by kimberussell at 12:59 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm 40, my wife is 38. None of this would be odd from our parents, especially the long-distance driving thing. We humor them about it, no harm done. My Grandmother was still doing this sort of thing to my dad until she died a year ago. Parents will be parents.
posted by fimbulvetr at 1:00 PM on March 7, 2013


Number 1 is annoying, especially because you asked them to back off. In your shoes, I'd try explaining that things work differently now to what they did, what with the new job market and all. Yeah, it's patronising, but so it continuing to push "help" on someone who has specifically requested that you don't do it.

Number 2 is sort of understandable. I can see how they'd care about your health. Assuming you don't know what you're doing is obnoxious, though, especially if this is an ongoing thing where you've been to the doctors multiple times.

Regarding both of these, you have a couple of options. Suck it up as patiently as you can, or prove to them that you know more about the situation than they do. The latter will shut them up because a] they won't have anything to argue with, not knowing the subject better than you do and b] you'll have proved to them that you're capable of handling the situation on your own.

My sister and I broke our parents of Number 3. They'd really go into a tizzy if we didn't call, so we played the same trick on them one evening when they went out. We asked them to text us when they got to where they were going, and when they didn't, we behaved in the same way they did in that situation. We sat in the living room and gave them the silent treatment when they got back and then used their stock phrases like "you could have been lying in a ditch" and "if the police had called, how would I have known it was you who had been injured". They didn't like it, but they could see the logic in our behaviour. Since then, they're much less likely to patronise us. This is something of a nuclear option, but at least in our case, it was quite effective.

I've also withheld information from them that I know will elicit the overbearing response, as other posters have suggested. One of the the good things about being an adult is being able to define boundaries about such things and then enforce them. Your parents have spent 25 years seeing you in a given fashion, and that's not just going to go away overnight. You have to retrain them if you want them to behave in a certain way.
posted by Solomon at 1:25 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


At the end of the day, their hearts are in the right place. I would just acknowledge their advice and know that however pushy, it is well meaning.

I realize my daughter is only two, but I can imagine the day in which I can't pick give her all kinds of hugs and kisses. When that day comes, I guess I will have to settle for providing well meaning if out-of-date advice.
posted by Silvertree at 1:30 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


Like Solomon, I've also broken my parents of #3 (or it stopped of its own accord in my mid-twenties). Despite agonizing a bit over whether it was fair/rude, I just stopped acknowledging those requests - or sometimes taking my husband's tact and just saying "mmhm, okay, sure" to them, whenever they came up. And then not doing it. Or responding. Until the next day or two. With "nope, I'm fine, what's wrong?" to emails/texts, or "ugh, stop calling me, I just hit the airport and need to pee," if I got a phone call. Basically the same as you'd do with a persistent toddler. Or that otherwise-good friend who's always hitting you with their anxiety-fueled checking behavior to make sure they haven't offended you.

Anyhow, it worked in about a year, which was good, because it was the same time that I started traveling a TON more for work, and I wanted to be able to make random comments about where I was going without feeling like my parents were going to be sitting there worrying that I was back alive every single week that I was flying out somewhere.

That said, my parents have always been mostly sane people when it comes to thinking of me as an independent and capable human being, so YMMV.
posted by deludingmyself at 1:34 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


Despite the fact that neither of my parents have had to job hunt since the early 1980s, I still get advice about it. A lot of advice. It has become one of those smile and nod situations. They tell me things, I say "Oh, thanks!" and go about my life. There are a number of these areas in my relationship with my parents. As I've gotten older and done more things, they've begun to realize that in some specific areas, I just don't listen to them. My dad actually said the last time he started in on telling me how to manage my long term health issue, "I know you don't listen, but I read in the Readers' Digest that this can help with your type of thing." My response was "Thanks for thinking of me Daddy, I appreciate it."

At some point you just stand your ground and thank them but make it clear that you're not really entertaining their ideas.

As for the texting when you get there, this can also be managed with "I'll call you next week when I get home from the trip and am all settled." This alleviates the dead on the road fear, because there is a solid time frame in which they should hear from you and it makes the emotional tether a little longer.
posted by teleri025 at 1:46 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


My parents try and do the resume thing but I lost my shit once and pointed out that none of them have worked in government, none of them have worked in libraries and I'm reasonably sure they have never even done resumes. So they need to back off when I have demonstrably more experience than they do.

The medical thing is an issue of my mother's - she's pretty quack-tastic so it can devolve into 'your doctor is just trying to medicate you/ignore you/whatever the latest terror of altmed it'. I've learned to ignore it.

The texting thing? My friends will do that. Hell, I had to text my friend after walking home the other night because he was so concerned about me walking home by myself. I try and ring my grandmother when I get home as well. It's a simple fix BUT if I forget, there's no flailing.
posted by geek anachronism at 1:49 PM on March 7, 2013


Best answer: For what it's worth, and not to make you feel bad, but my father died just before I finished college and my mother pretty much checked out then too. I really wish he'd been around longer; you can't know how valuable it is to have someone in your corner until the corner's empty. Even if you don't need them there in the first place.
posted by headnsouth at 2:02 PM on March 7, 2013


1. Annoying but common, and not just from parents. All kinds of well meaning people who should know better think it's appropriate to tell others how to look for jobs in fields they know nothing about. (I'm surprised you haven't encountered that before, actually...)

2. A bit OTT but if they're generally reasonable people, you can probably say "OMG guys, I'm 25, I can handle it, and anyway you don't want to see my nasty injury" and they'll eventually get it.

3. Totally normal and it's nice that they care. And someday they'll be old and you'll be freaking out when they don't text you when they go somewhere.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:11 PM on March 7, 2013


I also wanted to share that they could be doing the opposite, which is the "you're an adult so now I'm going to communicate with you like you're an adult, irrespective of the fact that you're my child," which is the tactic that my dad took for a while and it was really uncomfortable. My dad has, um, low "emotional intelligence" sometimes, and it took a long time for me to convince him that no, even though i'm an adult, I don't want to broach the topic of sex with him because I'm still his child. It's great that he thinks of me as an adult, but there are some parent/child boundaries!
posted by radioamy at 2:12 PM on March 7, 2013


The first two are over the line, and the third is pushing it. But personally, I wouldn't be able to stand any of it. Your option to end it is to not humor them, even if it causes a fight. They will back off if you stay firm.
posted by spaltavian at 2:25 PM on March 7, 2013


They sound kind of pushy and overbearing to me, but I have been extremely independent since I was little.

If I have to drive in a blizzard or I travel to Mexico... sure, I let my parents know I got home safe. Frankly, they don't have to ask me to. I already know they worry, so I just call. But for normal circumstances, I don't bother.
posted by ktkt at 2:38 PM on March 7, 2013


51 year old parent of offspring who are 18 and in their early 20s. The 20 and 23 year old don't live at home any more and I couldn't not imagine doing any of those things. Checking in re travel not totally over the top but not part of our routine.
posted by leslies at 2:59 PM on March 7, 2013


Best answer: I think your parents are also trying to reassure themselves that you still need them...which, of course you do, just not for this kind of stuff! Whenever I tell my mom anything I usually get back a list of things I need to do. I just say "okay, thanks!" and then continue on my way. I'm almost 30 and I know that this will never stop, but it's not because my mom thinks I am incapable of taking care of myself.

As for the texting during road trips...honestly I ask anyone I know who is doing that to send me a text. If a friend comes to visit and then has to drive a few hours home, I ask them to send me a text to let me know they got in. Does your phone have a camera? Instead of texting when you get from A to B you could send them interesting pics along the way just to let them know you're alive.

However if you don't want to text them while you're on a road trip, I recommend just not telling them when you're going on a road trip. I'm around your age but I think I would rather not know about a road trip unless my kid was going to at least send a text at some regular interval. There are just too many things to worry about while someone is on the road.
posted by fromageball at 3:25 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh, and ask far as them asking you to lift your shirt or whatever...you know you don't have to lift your shirt, right? Just brush them off.
posted by fromageball at 3:33 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


Best answer: This is kind of the point of parents, you know?

They will never be your friends, or just another set of adults that you relate to like adults.

They will always be your parents - who give you advice about things (even when it's not wanted or needed), worry about you and fret (ditto), are a little too nosy and don't fully respect your bodily autonomy (It's made from their bodies, remember? She grew you inside of her!).

It's part of the package - the other part being where they would drop everything and fly to you if you were in crisis and needed them, will always let you crash on their couch if you lose everything and have nowhere to stay, will lend you a car or money or the clothes off their back without much hesitation. Will love you and be there for you even when you are a miserable, selfish, awful person.

It goes both ways. Someday you're going to be nagging them about how best to research retirement homes, accompanying them to doctor's appointments and helping them research hip transplants, and calling them once a day to make sure they didn't slip and fall in the bathtub.
posted by amaire at 3:34 PM on March 7, 2013 [8 favorites]


I am 54 and I still get this same crap from my folks.

Most recently, an ongoing issue between us finally prompted me to get another opinion and post here. I am driving with my boyfriend from the east coast to my home in the Midwest. My parents want me to text when I leave and when I get home so they know I'm safe. They do this anytime I go anywhere long distance. I've been on many roadtrips and it is not getting bette

Mine would expect a phone call! But seriously, if you could think of this one as just helping them not be overanxious, it might make you feel better-because that is all this one is really about.

On the rest, just keep lovingly resetting boundaries-and judiciously pick and choose what you tell them about your life. ;-)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:24 PM on March 7, 2013


I'm a grown up with my own kids. I still let my parents know when I get somewhere on a trip. They do the same with me.

The rest is about setting boundaries.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 5:28 PM on March 7, 2013


Best answer: Honestly I think accepting these parental annoyances is very much one of hallmarks of growing up. It's like when you're 15 and you're convinced that you know so much more than the rest of the world. And then you hit a vista where you finally realize how much you don't know, and how much you'll never know.

Yes, you're an adult. You can take care of yourself just fine. Even if crashed your car on the way home, lying in a ditch somewhere, your survival would not hinge on you mom realizing she didn't get your phone call saying you got home safe.

But part of growing up is moving past independence and accepting the interconnectedness of our families and communities. It's about asking for help not because you need it, but because they want the opportunity to show they care. It's about having empathy, because parenting requires so many difficult transitions.

So tell them they can't see the weird rash on your belly. And you're sorry you forget to text and remind them you're not dead. Remind them the culture around entry level jobs has changed tons since they were last in the market for entry level. But don't make it about digging in your heels and convincing them You're An Adult. You're going to be one for quite a while, so you don't need to prove them you've figured it all in one fell swoop.
posted by politikitty at 6:02 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]


Honestly, to me it sounds like you have great parents who love you a lot.

The job search thing would bug me, but only because they didn't back off when you told them to. The texting after travelling is totally normal.

I wish I had parents like yours.
posted by barnoley at 6:16 PM on March 7, 2013 [2 favorites]


Yeah, im in my 30s and my dad lllllooooves to tell me how to do practical things that ive been doing on my own for a decade.

You just need to limit what you tell them. I dont tell dad when im looking for work because I just dont want the headache. I dont tell my dad when im looking for apartments or insurance. I let them know after i get whatever it is im going for.

I Also give him something to school me on. I make Sure I ask his advice on things I really think he could tell me something useful. "Hey dad, can you give me any pointers on regrouting my bathroom tile?" It Sesma to distract him from his other rants or never ending teasing about how i cant Cook or how messy my bedroom must be.
posted by Blisterlips at 7:00 PM on March 7, 2013


I stayed with my mom once when I was in town, visiting from my home in NYC, a place where I had moved, found a place to live, and gotten a good job without any help whatsoever from her. I went out with friends one night and got home at 2:30 am to find her waiting up. I was 33. She was too worried to sleep all the same.

I'm not sure they can help it. Just you being their kid triggers their instincts, even when you've been gone for ages.

They love you. My mom's gone now and none of the annoyance I felt then matters a damn bit next to how much I miss her. You don't know how long you'll have them around to worry about you. Just hug them and let them fuss.
posted by emjaybee at 7:33 PM on March 7, 2013


See, when you are a parent you always have that nagging worry. What if he's off in a ditch and nobody knows? That's why the text or phone calls. Then mom and dad can go to sleep.
posted by tamitang at 7:58 PM on March 7, 2013


I'm 30, I've lived between 200 and 2200 miles away from my parents since I was 18, and they still like to get a little overbearing about how to do things like apply for jobs or take care of my health. They've also learned to find me charming when I get sassy in response to it. Once you become an independent adult, it's time to establish your boundaries, which includes not allowing them to bully you.

But texting when you finish travel? Totally normal. I wouldn't even think twice about that one.
posted by asciident at 9:01 PM on March 7, 2013


Best answer: I watched my 85 year old grandmother make my 65 year old mother take a nap after a 45 minute drive. She insisted my mother lay on her couch and then she hobbled over using her cane to cover her with an afgan. It was summer time and hot as hell outside. My mom did as she was told. I will never forget this moment between them.

They both drove me nuts, especially in my twenties. I miss them both.
posted by cairnoflore at 11:04 PM on March 7, 2013 [7 favorites]


To answer your question: I think your parents are probably a little overbearing but no more than average.

The question I would ask myself is how much this bothered me. I am older than you (30), and my parents are loving but like to get very... involved, let us say, in my life. All your examples are things that they would do. And more - our culture is a very family-dominated one.

But then I ask myself what it costs me - a short, regular email; texting to let them know I have arrived somewhere safe; tolerating a few annoying questions - versus how much longer I can anticipate having them around. When I get that kind of perspective - and when I see how many of my friends are starting to lose their parents - it doesn't really bother me.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:14 AM on March 8, 2013


This seems like just normal parental concern. They are just trying to give good advice (and they probably know you better than anyone, so it might pay to listen).

If they directly intervened to solve a problem it would be helicoptering - e.g. went with you to the doctor and asked questions, etc. From what you described, sounds like they are just concerned and want the scoop.
posted by clark at 6:17 AM on March 8, 2013


Best answer: Your parents aren't doing anything wrong, but I can totally understand why their "help" is irritating and feels insulting to you. You can't make them stop doing it; you can only look for ways to ignore it. My own parents used to drive me crazy with all that but they gradually changed because I changed. But I"m over fifty and they still butt in once in a while!

Forget about convincing them that you know what's best for yourself. They ask questions and give advice because it's interesting to them. Maybe they wish that someone had explained certain things to them when they were younger, or they remember mistakes they made at your age. That's not your problem to solve.

Act like the person you want them to see you as. Think things over, make decisions for yourself, look at their comments as just information to be used or set aside. If you're thinking you need to handle all this without displeasing them in some way, please let yourself off the hook. They'll adjust.

I think the little things like texting them to tell them you're safe won't bother you as much once you actually start putting yourself first and thinking of yourself as an adult.
posted by wryly at 11:15 AM on March 8, 2013


Just general outdated and ignorant advice.

Well yeah, they probably haven't had to do a job hunt when just out of college in a while, and they don't know how specialized aspects of your field work. Why should they? I don't see how that's treating you like a teenager -- teenagers aren't generally applying for jobs that need either resumes or portfolios. You seem to be implying that their advice would be welcome if it was current and knowledgeable, but they probably think their advice is relevant and useful.

And your parents probably want to have something relevant and useful to say to you! You can redirect the conversation to something other than them giving you poor advice. Ask questions about their first job search and how they felt about it. Then you can marvel with them about how things are so different now.

On the medical issues, that sort of conversation has come up every time I've been visiting relatives or even traveling with close friends and someone needed medical care. I don't see wanting to know all the details as being especially parental, more just curious. You don't have to lift up your shirt for someone if you don't want to.
posted by yohko at 11:53 AM on March 8, 2013


Your parents are just being parents, but I agree that it's up to you to set the new boundaries. It's perfectly OK for you to be annoyed by their behavior-- they're pushing your boundaries because they're used to being in charge of you, to some extent. It's OK for you to say, "wow, guys, no," and they'll probably get it. Tease it if helps.

I read the Ask A Manager blog (no link sorry) on occasion for advice about cover letters &c., and one of her major refrains is "DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS ABOUT YOUR JOB SEARCH." Just about everybody thinks they know more than you do when it comes to job searching, so of course your parents have advice and of course they'll be overbearing and insufferable about it-- even strangers have a tendency to do that. I'd choose the path of least resistance and say, "OK, thanks," and then completely ignore them.

The medical thing, eh. I'd be like, "no, that's OK, I feel weird lifting my shirt." If they badgered me, "SERIOUSLY, NO." And about calling, I don't like it either, though I acknowledge the meaning there-- but since I'm forgetful I've pretty much broken my parents of this and they no longer worry if they don't hear from me, because they don't hear from me about 50% of the time anyway.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:05 AM on March 10, 2013


Response by poster: Thank everyone for all the great answers. I knew that posting on AskMetafilter would give me some perspective on things, which is just what I needed.

Oh, and I know that "helicoptering" wasn't the best word choice. I think "overbearing" or just "annoying" would have described my feelings about it better, so I especially appreciated all the answers that looked past that small detail and got to the heart of the question.
posted by daisies at 5:50 PM on April 6, 2013


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