Advice for making a request of someone you don't personally know?

March 4, 2013 8:26 PM

My father passed away when I was a kid. I want to contact some of his friends to learn more about him, which is awkward enough, but more so when some of his close friends are public figures. Looking for advice on how to go about this.

My dad died when I was 10. I remember a LOT about him, but would love to hear stories about him from his friends. Unfortunately, my family didn't keep in touch with the people he was really close friends with. I'd very much like to write to some of them and ask if they could meet me to tell some stories. I just want some tips on how to do this.

On top of that being awkward in itself, some of the people he was close with are relatively well-known public figures. I don't want to come across as asking about my father as a pretense for meeting with them.

If my dad were alive today he'd be 71, so I'm thinking I don't have tons of time to do this. I shouldn't put it off.

ANY advice is appreciated. I don't know where or how to start.

posted by INTPLibrarian to Human Relations (13 answers total)

I think a letter is a good way to go about doing this. You can introduce yourself in the letter and tell them a little bit about yourself so they know you aren't a crazy person/stalker. Tell them you want to know more about your father and ask if they would be willing to share stories and memories with you. Give them a way to contact you and then leave it at that.

If you are sincere, genuine and polite about it, I'm sure many of them will be willing to oblige.
posted by cyml at 8:36 PM on March 4, 2013 [5 favorites]

Do you have mailing addresses for these folks? If so, write a letter!

"Dear Thus-and-so,

It is my understanding that my father, Dad INTPLibrarian, was good friends with you before his death in 19XX. At that time, I was ten years old. Now that I'm an adult, I'm reaching out to his friends to find out more about his life. Do you have any stories about Dad that you'd be willing to share? It doesn't matter if it's just a small anecdote, or if you've got enough stories that you could fill a book; I'm happy for any opportunity to learn more about my father.

If you'd like to share, please contact me in whichever way you are most comfortable. I can be reached at the following addresses and phone numbers:

[mailing address]
[phone number]
[fax number]
[email address]
[website]

Thanks very much for your time. I hope to hear from you.

All the best,
INTPLibrarian"

You have nothing to lose by reaching out. The worst thing that can happen is that someone declines to share what they know, and if that happens, you aren't any worse off than you are now. Go for it!
posted by ocherdraco at 8:37 PM on March 4, 2013 [16 favorites]

I would contact some of the lesser known friends first and see if they keep in touch with famous type friends. If so, ask them to introduce you to well knowns. I think this will work well if they keep in touch with the well known ones (obviously) and if your conversations with them go well. They can vouch for your sincerity so that the well known ones are not leary.

If that is not a possibility, I would contact well known person's family or assistant and explain situation.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:45 PM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

I haven't done this on the personal side, but on the professional side, I used to be a journalist and it's pretty much what I did for feature stories. I had people refuse, certainly, but can't think of a single incident of anyone who was outright rude/nasty. You'd be surprised what people, even famous people, are willing to share if you're genuinely interested.

If they are older people, as you indicate, they will probably be delighted that someone is reaching out to them and asking for their stories, especially if he was a treasured friend. They may even have stories about you.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:46 PM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

Write a letter! I did this for my parents' 25th anniversary, through their college alumni association, and not only was the alumni association delighted to help me find people, but TONS of people wrote back, people who hadn't talked to my parents since college. People were mostly really excited to write me back or talk to me! I basically just wrote some version of, "I am the daughter of X and Y, they celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year, and I am looking for stories from their college years to include in an album commemorating their anniversary." I got excellent stories. When I gave it to my parents, they were like, "Oh, hey, we've gotten a bunch of letters from other people asking for stories, we are definitely going to answer them faster now!"

P.S., this totally included famous people
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:51 PM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

I have not done this before, but my advice in these situations is that it never hurts to try. I have found in life that it is often surprising what people will agree to if you just ask!
posted by radioamy at 10:16 PM on March 4, 2013

I think that this request would be seen as welcome and touching. I bet they wouldn't see it as an imposition, but rather as almost... An honour?

I'd phone and leave a voicemail, and follow up with an email. Or the other way around.

Don't over think the famous thing, they are still people, and this request sounds pretty far from fame whoring, and I think they'd have to have their heads extremely far up their own asses to interpret it that way.
posted by Kololo at 11:12 PM on March 4, 2013

I agree that, presuming these were actual close friendships, the public figures would be delighted to share their memories with you, although if any of them are creative types they may need some assurance that their correspondence won't later be in a for-profit package like a book.
posted by dhartung at 1:31 AM on March 5, 2013

Can you call some of these old friends? I get that on face value it seems invasive but I have called literally hundreds of people over the years -- people who I've never met and will never meet -- in an effort to learn about my grandfather. I'm a genealogist so I usually lead with that and it helps to calms people's "WTF is this?!" radar, but you could lead with your name and what you're doing.

You'd be surprised how forthcoming and generous people can be. Every time I make a call like this and hear stories, my heart swells for the knowledge I gain but also because it's proof that there are great, kind people roaming this earth.

I say give some calls / letters a shot. You've got nothing to lose, really.
posted by youandiandaflame at 5:00 AM on March 5, 2013

Perhaps if you think of it in terms of a project, or that you're working for some tangible goal (short story, book, blog), that might ease your worries about contacting the more prominent people on your list. Also, keep things upbeat in your letter of inquiry. I can already see it in the question that you ask, that you may have a great deal of respect for your father and his accomplishments and the way he lived his life. Let that enthusiasm show in your letter, I suspect you'll get people more willing to meet up with you to share their stories.
posted by kuppajava at 8:20 AM on March 5, 2013

Here's the note I sent a few years back to a bunch of my mother's high school classmates, whom I don't know personally and whose contact info I found on Facebook:

Hello,
I hope that I'm not intruding terribly, but I got your email address
from a Facebook group for the [year] graduates of [Mom's High School]
in [Town]. My mother, [Maiden Name, later Married Name] was, I
believe, in your graduating class. Unfortunately, she passed away in
[year], and my sisters and I are hoping to learn more about her life
before we were born. I was hoping that perhaps you remember my mother
or could put me in touch with others who might. I'd love to find out
more about what she was like then, and if there are any photographs or
other memorabilia I might be able to see, that would be wonderful.

Thanks in advance for any help you might be able to provide.

Everyone I wrote to wrote back, and they all seemed happy to hear from me. Some of them didn't know my mom had died, so they expressed condolences, but all of them immediately understood why I was writing and expressed a great willingness to help. In fact, I think they were sort of tickled to have an excuse to reminisce about high school and to have someone interested in their childhood stories. I was able to tell them about my mother's life after high school, and I think a lot of them really liked hearing about how one of their classmate's lives had turned out. I got some really hilarious and touching stories that people clearly put a lot of thought and effort into crafting, as well as some great photos of my mom as a teenager that I treasure.

I really don't think anyone is going to be upset with you for asking or feel as though it's pretextual, especially if your initial message is just seeking information about your dad, not anything about them personally. The worst case scenario is that people don't respond, in which case you'll be in the exact same place after asking that you're in now. So I'd say, don't be shy, and hope for the best, and you're very likely to get at least some of what you're asking for.
posted by decathecting at 9:13 AM on March 5, 2013

I don't think whether someone is a public figure should be a factor in you contacting them since this is not about their public life. You have nothing to lose by contacting all his past friends and acquaintances regardless of what they do for work.
posted by Dansaman at 9:37 AM on March 5, 2013

Response by poster: I want to thank every person who answered here. This was really helpful and encouraging and I can't say I'm not nervous at all, but definitely motivated.

Thank you!
posted by INTPLibrarian at 5:31 PM on March 5, 2013